Family Guy s13e04 Episode Script

Brian the Closer

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Today's feature presentation of Glory will not be seen.
What? Aw, I love that movie.
Aw, man, that's gonna leave a big hole in their lineup.
What's gonna fill the Glory hole? In place of Glory, we will be showing Shaft, starring Richard Roundtree.
What? You can't just shove Shaft in the Glory hole.
Yeah, I know.
It'd be better to put in that movie about the two girls who meet Nixon.
What's that movie called? Dick? Dick would slide right into that Glory hole.
No, no, Dick's too short for that Glory hole.
But if you also put in Edward Furlong's movie, Pecker, you got Pecker and Dick in the Glory hole, and you got a tight squeeze, but it-it ought to fit.
The hell am I sitting on? Oh, hey, that's my old rope toy.
I was wondering where that was.
Ew, what would you want that for? It's gross.
No, it's not.
It's awesome.
I can suck on it for the flavor.
I can thrash it around, pretend it's a snake.
Sometimes I just bite it like this.
Rope! That's stupid.
I want it.
Well, you can't have it; it's mine.
Oh, yeah? Not for long it ain't.
Come on, Brian, I need this rope in case I open a nautical-themed restaurant.
We got boat parts on the wall, so you know the crab comes from the ocean.
Eating next to a porthole! What?! No, no, no, no, I don't want to make that trade.
I thought I wanted to make that trade, but I don't want to make that trade.
Hey, Chris.
Where's your father? He's still trying to get that rope away from Brian.
He's got to give up that obsession.
I don't like what it's doing to him.
Precious.
Wants precious rope.
Peter, enough with the rope.
Also wants ice cream.
No, Peter, it's too close to dinnertime.
Get ice cream anyway.
Don't you dare.
All right, but I'll be back in a moment as another movie thing.
I am Johnny Five.
Need input.
Input is ice cream.
I need ice cream.
Did I say I'm Johnny Five yet? You didn't go to work today, did you? So, still got that rope, I see.
Well, I got a better rope.
That's not a chewing rope.
I know.
It's a tying rope! Come on, Brian, you'd better let go.
I told you this is mine! You're never gonna get it! Just give me the rope.
Nobody has to get hurt, Brian.
Only one person has to get hurt, Brian.
My teeth! Oh! Oh, man! I'm real sorry about your mouth, Brian.
Damn it, Peter.
What were you thinking? This has to be the stupidest thing you've ever done.
No, Brian.
The stupidest thing I ever did was turn the bubbles off in a hot tub.
Yeah! Party! Ew, bath with friends.
Now, remember, Brian's probably very self-conscious about how he looks, so let's try to be supportive.
Brian! Dinner! So, everybody, how was your day? What's for dinner? I'm starving.
My God, you look like one of those animals.
You know, the one that Which one does the sound? That Aw, crap, you know which one I mean.
Oh, who am I kidding? You got to take me to the dentist to get my mouth fixed.
Brian, we can try to make you feel a little less repulsive, but we're not spending human money on a deformed animal.
What? Then what am I supposed to do? I don't know.
But here, you can have this back.
It's boring.
It doesn't do anything.
You know what? Go to hell, Peter! Wow, this is the craziest meal I've had since I had lunch at Tommy Sullivan's house.
Very good macaroni and cheese, Mrs.
Sullivan.
Thank you, Chris.
That was just awful, Chris.
Terrible.
He is not ready for flashbacks.
No, he is not.
Hey, listen, thanks for not laying into me like everybody else.
I don't care enough about you to lay into you.
But now that you mention it, your face looks like a used condom.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, come on, Brian.
Don't do that.
Don't cry.
Be a man.
I'm not crying! Look, listen, just here, just take this.
What is this? That's my dentist.
He'll bill me.
I've got an account.
You've got an account with a dentist? He sells me nitrous at wholesale, I bang his wife.
Those both sound like things for you.
Look, you want his number or not? I won't forget this, Glenn Quagmire.
Don't ever say my name like that, okay? And don't tell anybody about this.
Now get the hell out of the bar, you pathetic son of a bitch.
Hey, language.
My big fat black mom is here.
I know I didn't just hear what that man said.
Jerome, you got to go to extra church! Aw, Mom.
We now return to My Dinner with Andre the Giant.
I could never give up my electric blanket; it's cold in New York City.
You may argue that this is a waste of energy, but to me, it's worth the comfort because, let's face it, the world is an abrasive place.
I have maybe hours to live, and you're wasting them.
Hey, I'm, uh I'm back from getting my new teeth.
Well, come on in, Brian.
Let's see them.
All right, here it goes.
Oh, my God! Look at your teeth! Hey, maybe you could help us build the dam.
If you think you got the chops for it.
Well, think about it.
It's something to chew on.
We use him just the right amount.
So be honest, huh? You guys hate them.
No, Brian, are you kidding? They're spectacular! You look like a movie star.
Really? Yeah, you're like an even more handsome Adam Carolla.
God, I can't believe you guys really like them.
Yeah, Brian, you are gonna get so much sweet tail! Oo-cha, oo-cha, oo-cha, oo-cha! Brian, you have found your look.
That is the best cosmetic surgery in this family since Lois got her boob job.
I don't know what happened.
I told the doctor C-cups.
I told him something else.
I think he did a dam good job.
Okay, now we've used him too much.
When you're smiling When you're smiling The whole world smiles with you When you're laughing When you're laughing The sun comes shining through But when you're crying You bring on the rain So stop your sighing Be happy again Keep on smiling 'Cause when you're smiling The whole world smiles with you.
Oh, good, you're already here.
I'm sorry? Can we ask you a few questions? Uh yeah, sure.
Is this a good neighborhood? Uh, yeah, it's a great neighborhood.
Lot of families, good parks.
Uh, six fire hydrants, but they are unavailable.
They are previously claimed.
They belong to some badass.
Okay, but do you think this house will hold its value? I don't see why not.
It's got a nice porch.
And the yard's got plenty of room for little ones.
Although that's really up to the two of you.
Hey, so sorry I'm late.
Let me show you the house.
No need to.
Your partner already sold us on it.
Sorry, I-I didn't realize they thought I was a real estate agent.
You are a real estate agent; you just don't know it yet.
What do you mean? Look at that smile.
You're a born salesman.
You should come work for me.
Huh.
Never thought I'd be in real estate.
You think I can handle it? Every other divorced mom at my kid's school is a realtor.
I think you can handle it.
Bonnie, I still don't get why you want to see this house.
The foundation is totally out of whack.
I mean, the-the whole house is slanting down to that cliff over there.
Uh-huh.
Can you open the sliding door? I'll take it.
So tell me again, where's the lake? Right there.
And where's the summer camp? Right over there.
I'll take it.
Now, I am obligated to disclose that the previous owners were murdered in this house.
Whoa, buddy! Quit drilling; you already struck oil.
I just don't know if this is the right time to buy.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Maybe we should wait till you graduate college.
Thank you, but I'm actually 42 years old.
Uh, that's not credible.
Hello, Doctor? I need a new pair of eyes because clearly mine aren't seeing straight.
You know what? Maybe I am ready to buy.
Great! I'll get the paperwork.
Hello? Hello? What's going on with your eyes? Oh, uh, nothing.
Everything's fine.
Is this the guy who wanted his pulse checked because he died and went to heaven? Uh, yes.
Please stop calling.
This is a very busy doctor's office.
Where you from You sexy thing Sexy thing, you.
Brian, five sales this week.
You're killing it.
Yeah.
And last night, I closed another big deal.
Kim in marketing.
What are the specs? She's a two breast, one ass fixer-upper.
The entire property was covered in a thick brush.
Everyone in the office besides us is garbage.
Wow, Brian, you're doing great here.
You're really on fire.
Thanks.
I guess I should stop, drop, and roll.
Whoa.
That's enough.
The only thing is, anyone can sell a nice house, but a real star is someone who can sell a dump.
I can sell anything.
Well, we got this crap condo down by the marina.
We haven't been able to unload it in two years.
You find some sucker to buy it, and I'll make you partner.
All right, sounds good.
It's a plan.
Hey, did I tell you about Kim in marketing? You mean my wife Kim? I'm gonna go sell that condo.
God, there's got to be a sucker to buy this condo.
Guys, this is on me.
I just hit 20 years in the air, and I got a big bonus.
It's sad when planes 'splode.
What? Yeah, I guess.
Anyway, I am flush.
For the first time in my life, I got money to burn.
Looks like I found my sucker.
Whoa.
What? I didn't know you worked out at this gym, too.
Hey, Brian.
Hang on, I'm just finishing a set.
Come on, come on, two more.
Come on, come on, you got to want it.
Nice job.
Let's get you a rubdown.
I'm glad I bumped into you because I've been meaning to give you something.
What's this? That is the money you loaned me.
Oh.
That's pretty cool.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
I just wish I could do something more for you.
Hmm, I could make you rich.
No, no, no, that's just money.
I'll think of something else.
What're you talking about, Brian? No, no, no, I've said too much.
The one thing they're pretty firm about at the office is you don't take the inside deals and give them to your friends.
What What kind of inside deal are you talking about? All I can say is underpriced waterfront property that's guaranteed to appreciate in value.
That's all I can say.
Oh, wait, a-are you bothered by sorority noise, though? I-I don't know, Brian.
I don't know if I'm a real estate investor.
Well, you might surprise yourself.
I mean, I didn't think I'd ever be friends with Ice-T.
What are you thinkin' about? Thinking about putting black guy hair in a ponytail.
'Cause the times change, but I don't.
All right, guys, here it is.
Prescott Towers.
Quahog's premier luxury living experience.
Nestled somewhere between the ocean and your imagination: Prescott Towers.
Quahog's only luxury residence catering exclusively to the affluent.
Affluent means rich.
Come live in the kind of place a Persian guy would say is a little much.
The ceiling is a pool.
The ceiling is a pool.
Quagmire, you got to get this.
I don't know about buying a place without seeing it first.
Of course not.
I wouldn't expect you to.
But as your friend, I wanted to let you know early because there's another buyer who's about to snap it up.
I think he's a pilot for Delta.
Delta? It's not Lew Sheridan, is it? Well, I'm not really permitted to say.
Do you like Lew Sheridan? I hate Lew Sheridan.
It's Lew Sheridan.
That son of a bitch! Say what you want, but he's got an eye for real estate.
Let me just give him a call and let him know he's gonna get the place.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
I'll take it.
All right.
You won't be sorry.
Yeah, that condo looks awesome.
You're makin' a smart move, Quagmire.
Like I did when I wanted to get out of that boring meeting.
Third quarter projections indicate our sales will be down 40%.
Why don't we go through the profit-loss statement line by line from the past six quarters, which will offer us a good cost analysis comparison that I think we'll be able to utilize as we move forward - Aah! into the next fiscal year.
Hey, guys, I got to leave.
I got a nosebleed, and, uh, I don't work here.
All right, Quagmire, now when you introduce us to the ladies by the pool, I'm a millionaire, Joe's a war hero, and Cleveland is Magic Johnson.
I own a lot of theaters.
I hope you don't know much else about me.
Is this the right address? This doesn't look like the building from Brian's presentation.
Come on, Quagmire.
Never judge a book by its cover.
Or a movie.
No.
It's probably nothing, but there's a stain on the rug in the shape of a little kid.
I don't know if you want this now, but I bought you a mini cactus.
What the hell? This is a dump.
Well, maybe it's still got a nice ocean view.
The harbor is poisoned.
Damn it.
Brian screwed me.
That's why I've never made any major investments with my dog.
What am I gonna do? I sank my entire bonus into this place.
Let me see your contract, Quagmire.
There's got to be a way out of this.
I'm gonna kill him, that's what I'm gonna do.
ClubAmigos.
That's what we're gonna call this place.
Here it is.
You've got to rescind the purchase.
State law.
Thank God.
I got to go tell Brian the deal's off.
Oh, there's a head in the freezer.
Ooh, and sherbert.
We're looking for Brian Griffin.
I'm still within 72 hours, and I want to get out of my contract.
You'd have to speak to Mr.
Griffin about that.
But I'm sorry, he's not in the office.
Where the hell is he? Slow down, Quagmire.
This sounds like a discussion to have over a cone-shaped cup of water.
Ah.
You can drink from these and then put 'em on your head to be a clown from an Italian opera.
Laughing outside, crying down below Pasta, meatballs, Joe DiMaggio Fellatio, Pinocchio, a pizza pie from Domino's All of this because I'm singing in a pointy hat.
Look, Mr.
Griffin's not here, but if you leave your name, I'll let him know you stopped by.
Fine.
Glenn Quagmire.
Have him call me the minute he gets in.
They're gone.
Well, for the next 72 hours, I'm gonna be harder to find than a nice cat.
You need me to clean out your litter box? Mittens.
Okay, Rupert, we're going to play a game.
I'm gonna be Buffalo Bill, and you're gonna be a great big fat person.
Close the lid.
Brian? What are you doing? I'm hiding from Quagmire for a few more hours.
After that, he won't be able to pull out of that deal.
Well, if anybody knows how to pull out, it's Quagmire.
I have a lot of fun up here in my room.
Welcome home.
Aah! Hey-Hey, there, buddy.
There you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
That's why you've been hiding from me in this motel? Now let me out of this deal and give me my money back.
Look, i-if you're not happy with your current property, we could roll your money over into something in Sinkhole Estates.
Those places are going very fast, though.
Who's a pilot you hate? You are such a scumbag.
You know, when you were poor, you were always a douche, but at least you came by it honestly.
But now, screwing over the people who helped you? I don't know how you sleep at night.
My God.
You're right.
I'm a jerk.
I'm a selfish and pretentious jerk.
And you're the only guy in town who's ever called me out on my crap.
You know, I used to hate you for it, but now I think you're the only person who was trying to be my friend.
No, I think you're misunderstanding me.
No, I'm serious.
Even though I know you never liked me, you still helped me when I really needed it.
That says a lot about your character.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Because I am none of the things you are.
You're honest, and direct, and compassionate, and that is 72 hours.
Enjoy your craphole, dumbass.
You son of a bitch! Wow, so I guess that's it for you and real estate, huh, Brian? Yeah, it was a lot tougher than I thought.
Oh, yeah, it's real hard being a real estate agent.
I mean, you got to be able to count bathrooms.
I once beat a real estate agent in a game of chess.
Me.
A well-known buffoon.
Face it, you failed at people's safety net job.
Oh, come on, guys.
Give me a break, huh? I've had a rough day.
You've had a rough day? You guys wouldn't believe the day I've had.
First of all, I didn't have any clean underwear this morning, so I had to wear a bathing suit.
Then I missed the bus, of course.
Then it looked like it was gonna start to rain.
Luckily, it didn't.
And like that wasn't enough, then we had a pop quiz in history.
Oh, European history.
American history was last year.
Then