Family Guy s13e10 Episode Script

Quagmire's Mom

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hey Lois, can I please have another pancake? (laughs) What? What's so funny? I don't know.
Dog eating pancakes.
It's funny.
Mom, I need a check for the school field trip.
Geez, Meg, didn't I just take you on a field trip? Okay, here's the field! Good-bye forever! (engine revving, tires squealing) Aah! Meg, I'm injured! Please help me! I smell gas! Meg, I'm still alive, but I'm badly burned! Come save my life and nurse me back to health! Oh, God, why do bad things happen to good people?! Here, sweetie, I'll write you a check.
No, no, I got it, Lois.
Let me just lick my thumb 'cause that's what people do before they write a check.
Okay, now let me tilt my glasses down and ask the date.
What's the date today? Dad, why don't your checks have any writing on them? Why don't your shelves have any trophies on 'em? I've obviously caught you at a bad time.
Lois, why don't my checks have any writing on them? Well, Peter What? That's just a wide pad of Post-its I gave you.
What?! So that million dollar check you gave me yesterday is no good? I quit my job, man! I will not see you Monday! What the hell, Lois? Why don't I have a real checkbook? Peter, where do checks come from? Uh when a mommy and daddy love each other? That's why.
Lois, I want my own checkbook, and I want it now! Ooh, I like when Dad talks tough.
He sounds like Dirty Harry.
You got to ask yourself one question.
"Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk? Oh, Mr.
Harry, you're really not gonna like what I have to say.
What can I do for you? Yes, I was wondering, where is the room where I can roll around nude with my money? I'm sorry? No, I'm sorry.
I thought this was a bank.
I'll handle this.
My husband wants to open a checking account.
Okay, well, first, I'll need to see a photo I.
and a birth certificate.
Of course.
I keep all my important papers in my bosom.
Okay, "Justin Peter Griffin.
" It's actually just Peter Griffin.
So, this is not your birth certificate? Oh, my God! Your first name is Justin?! It is?! Wow, I never noticed that! "Justin Griffin.
" Huh, I like the sound of that.
I'm a Justin! This is awesome! This changes everything! Peter, it doesn't change a thing.
You're still the exact same person.
I beg to differ.
MAN (on TV): And now, international news from Al Jarreau Jazeera.
Car bombing in Syria Skididdly boom-bop a Dee, yeah 37 people killed Ooh, the people are dead.
Hey, Lois, you seen my hiking boots? I need 'em later for park soccer.
Peter, why the hell do you look like that? Uh, my name isn't Peter.
My name is Justin.
I'm living a Justin lifestyle, and so is my family.
You want to go to a concert? Huh? Want to go to a loud concert? No.
Since I'm your cool father Justin, we should bond with skin-to-skin contact.
How about Justin takes his shirt off, and we can get some photos of you on Justin's belly? Your heartbeat is weird.
It is not consistent at all.
Okay, let's go for a ride in my open Jeep.
I took the doors off, so it's extra terrifying.
Geez, this "Justin" phase of Dad's is kind of weird.
Eh, not as weird as his karaoke phase.
Peter, did you throw up in the sink? ("Baba O'Riley" begins to play) Peter? (drums kick in) Out here in the fields Yeah, that was me, I was the one who threw up in the sink.
I farm for my meals Dad, what are you doing in here? Oh, hey, Chris.
I just figured now that I'm Justin, I should start a "Sweet News" wall for stuff I think is totally sweet.
Big puffy clouds are very sweet.
Big hamburgers.
Small hamburgers, too.
Sliders, I think they're called.
Here's just a picture of a vest.
Pretty sweet.
Palm trees are very sweet, 'cause, like, the beach.
This is my room, Dad.
The band Guster is the sweetest band of all time.
It was tough, 'cause I had to move all my O.
stuff to fit the Guster stuff.
Peter, get out of Chris's room.
Oh, hey Mama.
Hey, you seen my copy of Into the Wild? I like to have it on my person at all times, in case I need a quick "inspo sesh.
" Oh, did I tell you I'm gonna be doing a lot of abbreve's? Peter, you sound like an idiot.
And did you put a skateboard in the washing machine? It's gonna cost several hundred dollars to repair.
How we do, Lois.
All we do.
You ever get in the pocket of a wave? Peter, you know I haven't.
And I know for a fact that you haven't, either.
In the pocket.
Some gnarlies out there.
Some "gnar-gnars.
" Was in one today.
It's like the rest of the world just shuts off, and all that matters is you and Lady Blue.
And you know what she said to me? "You're great.
" Keep it cool, Lois.
(dance music pulses) So, you want to go upstairs? Sure.
Hey, Justin, I wanted to introduce you to Keira.
She's the one who brought four loose Sierra Nevadas.
Keira! You totally rock for bringing those.
Peter, what the hell is going on?! Oh, dude, is that your mom? No, I'm not his mom, you little bastard.
That "little bastard" knows how to smoke pot out of an apple.
All right, everyone out of here.
I've had enough of this "Justin" nonsense.
Tomorrow we're going to city hall to legally change your name back to "Peter.
" All right, fine.
But I got to say, being Justin was quite an adventure.
Like when I found where the Wild Things were.
(gun fires) I owe you, Max.
You led me right to 'em.
All right, now help me grind their horns into boner pills.
Keira, that was an amazing night.
Sorry I can't drive you to work.
I gotta go sit in my den until you leave.
Oh, that's okay.
I'll just take the school bus.
Wait what?! You-you drive a school bus? (giggling): No, silly, I take the bus.
I'm in high school.
What the hell?! You said you were 23! Yeah, and you said you loved me.
Well, I guess you got me there.
(knocking on door) Hey, Quagmire, sorry to bother you, but we're following up on a tip.
Did you have sex with this underage girl? I don't want to go to jail, but I really want to take credit.
Quagmire, I'm afraid you're under arrest for statutory rape.
(sighs) All right, but let me just send the pictures I took of her last night to all my friends.
(cell phone buzzes) Oh, yeah! Boom! You're disgusting.
Take him away.
We've got all the awesome evidence we need.
(doorbell rings) "Hello, my name is Glenn Quagmire.
"I am a neighbor of yours on Spooner Street.
I am here to inform you that I am a sex offender.
" It seems as though you could have had some of that memorized.
Glenn, what the hell's going on? It turns out that girl I took home from Peter's party last night is in high school.
Oh, my God! Does this mean you're gonna move to Europe to make movies? How in the world did you not know she was underage? Well, in retrospect, she did ask a lot of questions about To Kill a Mockingbird.
Should have sent her my way.
I love that book.
Oh, Gregory Peck-- whew! Anyway, now I gotta go in front of a judge.
Really? Number one or number two? Our judicial system is so broken.
No, Peter-- Glenn has to go to court.
That's right.
And there's not even a defense for statutory rape.
Once the girl proves her age, that's it-- you're guilty.
You know what I tried today? A fig.
I have a hearing tomorrow morning.
I may have to go to jail.
My only hope for leniency is to bring in character witnesses and show the court I'm not the monster they say I am.
Well, Peter would be happy to support you.
Yeah, you betcha, Quagmire.
I'm very persuasive.
That's why I was so good at selling low-cost car insurance.
(chanting): White-trash rates from an army guy.
Here is a penguin, don't know why.
ANNOUNCER: The General Car Insurance.
It'll worry whoever you hit.
I can't believe Quagmire and that girl had sex.
Which is hugging someone really hard with your legs.
Well, you'll tell me if I get it, though, right? Yeah, I'll tell you if you get it.
Okay, I'm gonna get it.
Now, Mr.
Griffin, I understand you're here to speak on Mr.
Quagmire's behalf.
That's right, Your Honor.
And as we know, according to Game of Thrones, if the girl has had her blood, she is good to go.
Has the girl had her blood? Answer the question.
Griffin, she was underage.
Yes, however, Mr.
Quagmire was born on February 29th.
Ergo, he's only 12.
Ergo, the girl raped him.
Argo, Ben Affleck.
Griffin, do you have any evidence that is not based on film or television? I don't know.
Why don't you ask all these letters to Santa Claus? Something's going on.
We haven't gotten mail in a week.
I-- I haven't gotten mail in a week.
Nobody writes you.
Officer Swanson, I'll remind you that you are under oath.
Now, please tell us what Mr.
Quagmire said he did with the girl.
(sighs) He, uh, said he gave her a Frosty Jim.
And can you please explain to the courtroom what a Frosty Jim is.
Uh Sir, you're under oath.
Well, it's when you urinate in a condom, and tie it off, freeze it, and then the woman, um, pretends it's a man.
Thank you.
He's a good guy! Mr.
Brown, can you please state your occupation for the court? Aw, come on, man, you didn't ask anyone else to do that! Why am I on trial?! He's the one that mushed hisself on a child! When are we gonna see this chick? Okay, enough! No more help! I'm taking this Bible.
You want to know what kind of person Glenn Quagmire is? You want to know what made me the person I am? Then put me on the stand.
Lois, can I play Angry Birds on your phone? Okay, but only with the sound off.
I'll just do it with my mouth.
Pa-shooo! (imitates explosion) (oinking) Please, go ahead, Mr.
Look, I know everyone's sitting out there judging me today.
But before you do, please know I had it pretty rough growing up.
My dad was a military man, so he wasn't around much.
And my mom, well, let's just say, she was a little promiscuous.
In fact, I think my problems started the day I was born.
Wah! Wah! Wah! It's a boy, Mrs.
Oh, that's wonderful! How do you feel? Horny.
Really horny.
Could you put him back so I can push him out again? I was born nine times that day.
And things never got easier.
The only way I learned my ABC's was by learning the names of all the guys my mom slept with.
Art, Bob, Chet, Don, Ed, Frank, Gus Hal, Irv, John, Ken, Lew-Matt-Ned-Ox-Pat Quint, Ron, Sam, Tom, Ulf, Vic Walter, Xavier, Yaz and Zeke Those are just some of the guys There are lots of other guys.
It was awful.
I didn't even get to go to my high school prom.
But my mom did.
(doorbell rings) Hey, is Crystal ready? Oh, hi, Ronnie.
Hey, listen, have my mom home by midnight, okay? How about I plow her in the limo and have her home in 20 minutes? Ah, come on, Ronnie, she bought the dress.
So, you see, Your Honor, thanks to my mom, I never had a chance to be like everyone else.
My misguided carnal instincts are the result of being raised by a sexual deviant.
All I'm asking is that you give me the break that my childhood never did.
Dairy Queen closes in ten minutes.
Quagmire, your story is a sad one, but that doesn't excuse your actions.
I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison.
(gallery gasps) WOMAN: Oh, no you don't! Mom?! MEN: Crystal? Ha! She's enjoyed many men.
Mom, what are you doing here? Do you know I'm carrying three handguns, and the metal detectors picked up nothing? Your Honor, as the defendant's mother, I ask that you show mercy on him.
Well, as the victim's mother, I ask that you go to hell! CHRIS: Where is your daughter? Show her to us! Your Honor, I have renounced my sinful past, and have been washed in the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.
You what?! I have seen the righteous path of our Savior, and ask that you not sentence my son to jail, but instead release him to my custody so that I, with God's guidance, can rehabilitate him.
Wow, Quagmire's mom is a Jesus freak.
I haven't been this surprised since we went to that restaurant on my birthday.
All right, guys, let's pay the check and get out of here.
Happy Birthday to you You guys! Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday, dear Peter Happy Birthday to you.
Aren't you gonna blow out your candles, Peter? Mom, I think something's wrong with Dad.
Peter? Peter?! Oh, my God! Help! Someone call 911! It's okay, ma'am.
This happens here at Bennigan's all the time.
How long does this last? Hard to say.
It's best to just move on.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Quagmire, but my sentence stands.
Quagmire, I'll give you 24 hours to get your affairs in order.
Oh, my God.
Ah, don't think of it as 20 years.
Think of it as two ten-year-olds, you sick freak.
God, 20 years.
I know this is a hard time for you, but you need to seek forgiveness.
You need to kneel before Jesus.
Oh, he's gonna be kneeling in front of a lot of guys, but I doubt he'll catch their names.
It's usually somebody pushing your skull in the dark.
There are really no introductions.
Remember, He is inside you all the time.
Oh, n-now she's just setting me up.
Right? How dare you come in here and tell me to seek forgiveness! Where do you get off?! Pretty much everywhere, I hear.
Fat man's right-- they're making this easy.
You've never apologized once for the way you raised me! You're the one who made me what I am! Oh, come on, Quagmire, you're a grown man, responsible for his own choices.
Seems kind of cowardly to blame someone else for your problems.
Brian abandoned his own son, by the way.
Why are you, of all people, defending a religious nut? Aren't you an atheist? Yeah, it's crazy.
You can think about that while you're in jail.
Glenn, we're not going to get anywhere questioning God's wisdom.
He has a plan for everything.
Oh, now I get it.
That's why you found God.
So you can absolve yourself of any responsibility and answer everything with empty platitudes.
Face it, you're a worse parent than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
I'm concerned about Pax, Maddox, and Shiloh.
They're having trouble adapting.
They've been raised with 11 languages, and really don't speak any.
I hear you, Doctor.
So you're saying we should give them all faux-hawks? No.
I think they need intensive therapy.
Let me see if I understand you.
Even shorter on the sides? Don't you see? This is your chance to open your heart and let God in.
I know this jail sentence seems long.
But salvation can last all eternity.
You know what else lasts an eternity? This conversation.
And maybe through our shared relationship with the Lord, we can begin to build a bond as mother and son.
"Mother and son"?! Mothers love their children! They nurture them and protect them! You've never done a thing for me! I'd rather rot in jail than sit here and listen to all your crap! (door opens, closes) (sighs) Glenn's right.
I was never there for him.
I've got to find some way to fix this.
Did you hear about your ex-husband yet? He had a uh, procedure.
You know, some families take their baby to the zoo.
That's also a fun activity.
I'm really gonna miss all you guys.
And I'll think of you whenever I choke on a link sausage.
Take care, buddy.
(engine revs, tires screech) Oh, yeah! Fresh air! Freedom! Peter, while I'm away, I want you to hold onto my antique, gold Rolex watch.
Oh cool, a throwing watch! No, no, Peter, it-- and I cannot stress this enough-- it is not a throwing watch.
Oh, I hear you, Quagmire.
It didn't come back, like you said it would.
(sighs) And-and Joe, you sure you don't mind taking care of my cat? Oh, no, all taken care of.
Brought her to the pound this morning.
She went peacefully.
What?! No! I-I-I meant, take care of her, like, look after her! Well, that seems like a note for this morning.
You know, maybe I won't miss you people as much as I thought.
Do you have anything for me, Glenn? What? No! Wha-what?! I just found out my cat died! Hmm.
I can't help but think this selfish attitude is part of what got you here.
Good-bye, Glenn.
Be strong.
We'll keep you in our thoughts.
Oh, y-you better get rid of that before you get in there.
All right.
Good-bye, everybody.
And-and don't worry about me.
I-I'll see you real soon.
Hey, you guys take good care of my child rapist friend! (tires screech) Mr.
Quagmire, wait! Judge?! What are you doing here? I wanted to tell you the good news in person.
Your sentence has been commuted.
You will not be serving prison time after all.
You got a good body, man.
Why do you hide it under that robe? "Commuted"? I don't understand.
Hello, Glenn.
Mom?! What's going on here? By the way, Your Honor, your fly is down.
Well, let's just say some new DNA evidence was produced.
And an impressive amount, I'd say.
PETER: Guy takes care of himself.
Anyway, you're free to go.
You you're kidding! Mom Di-did you? Yep.
But I-I thought you were Christian now.
Helping my son is the most Christian thing I could do.
You were right, Glenn.
I was a terrible mother.
I wasn't there for you when I should've been.
But I'd love a second chance.
I'd like that.
I'd like that very much.
Aw, Quagmire got away with it, and learned nothing.
That's great.