Family Guy s14e05 Episode Script

Peter, Chris, & Brian

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! ANNOUNCER: Hey, guys, do you like beer, but can't get drunk from beer? Then try new Vodka Beer.
The can says "beer," but inside is 12 ounces of carbonated vodka.
And the best part is, your wife will never know.
Honey, I'm so proud of you, cutting down to one beer a night.
(slurring): Take off your underwear.
She don't know.
I got the mail.
Hey, does an octopus live here? Peter, that says "occupant.
" Oh, that's too bad.
That would've been awesome.
Oh look, Peter.
Here's something from your mother's estate.
Oh, looks like they finally sold her house.
And the last white domino in that neighborhood falls.
Wow, they sold it? So that means the house and everything inside of it is gone? Oh, sweetheart.
You thinking about all the good times you had there? No, I'm thinking about my teenage porn stash.
It's still hidden in the house.
Oh, okay, but I know this is really about the memories.
Lactating sluts on box springs.
The-The-The special times growing up Bikini black chicks sneezing.
Lois, stop making him reminisce about stuff.
You don't understand, Lois.
A boy's first collection of nudie books and girlie movies is a sacred thing.
It can't fall into a stranger's hands.
This is very serious.
I'm taking us to DEFCON 4.
(sign buzzes) What happens when it hits DEFCON 1? We see a dog wearing a wig.
Aw, heck, let's see that anyway.
(Peter chuckles) That's not even a lady dog.
Hey, Peter, what's wrong? You've been real quiet.
I don't know, Quagmire.
I keep thinking of my old pornos.
It's like I'm reminded of them everywhere I look.
You've been looking at Cleveland a lot.
Plus, you know, when people find that box, they won't know that, like, for some of them magazines, I just had them as, like, a joke.
You know, not 'cause, like, I was really into it.
Just the opposite.
For some of them magazines.
Okay.
I'm going to be arrested for sure.
Peter, I know exactly where you're coming from.
You, Quagmire? You enjoy pornography, too? Yup, and I know that a man's porn collection must be secured and protected at all costs, until he gets ashamed of it and ditches it in an alley behind a Kroger's.
Hey, I know! What if we break into my old house and steal back my big box of pornos? What do you say? You guys with me? You bet.
Sure thing, Peter.
I mean, come on, we're a team.
Like fish and chips and fat guys.
I want the double cheeseburger, but I'm gonna go healthy and get the fish and chips.
ANNOUNCER: Fish and chips! (singing jauntily): Okay, you all remember the plan-- we walk up wearing our Bill Cosby masks Peter, that's President Obama.
Aw, did I just do a racism? (knocking on window) Hello? Can I help you gentlemen? Hi.
You guys have been sitting in front of my house for the last five hours trying on Obama masks.
Is there something I can do for you? We, uh we-we were just getting ready to break into your house.
Excuse me? Oh, hey, cool shirt.
What? Oh, thank you.
Look, what's this all about? This guy used to live in your house and a box of his old porn is still hidden in there.
We were gonna break in and take it.
And I was gonna stay with the rental van because it's my name what's on the contract.
Oh.
Well, you could've just knocked on the door and asked.
I don't want that stuff, I've got kids.
Get it out of there! Really? Awesome! Oh, well that was easier than a game of Pai Gow poker.
Pai gow.
You lose again! That was awesome! I can't believe these tables are always empty.
You play again? Nope, out of money.
I'm just gonna wait for my drink.
Who had the full glass of Goldschlager? Ah.
Sorry, can't tip.
I'm gonna take this up to my room.
Oh, I'm on the wrong floor.
(vacuum whirring) Almost time for lunch.
Ah How was everything? Delicious.
The prime rib was mostly fat.
Should I charge it to your room? No, I had to check out, even though my flight's not until midnight.
Now, how does one with no money get to the airport? (horn honking) (honking) Hey, buddy, you're blocking the outlet.
Oh, sorry.
There was no chairs.
Hi, Peter.
How was Vegas? Oh, it's the best.
Sweet.
Now, which movie should I start with? "Back-Door Sluts 4.
" Eh, I haven't seen the first three, I wouldn't know what's going on.
Here we go.
I want to watch all of these movies, nonstop.
I don't want to watch any more of these movies, ever.
Hey, Brian, you want to go for a ride to behind the Kroger's? What? That's weird.
What's that? Hello, Future Peter.
Hi.
By the time you watch this, you'll be grown-up, so I'm sure you're allowed to eat ice cream and pizza for every meal.
You know it.
Also, I bet you're a big important doctor like that Doogie Howser kid who's getting so much ass.
Well, I was partly right.
I just hope to God you're not stuck in some loser job, like in a brewery, or a toy factory, or a fishing boat.
Oh, boy.
But, you know, I don't have to worry about none of that.
I'm sure you're a big, successful doctor.
Anyway, here's some Conway Twitty.
I know it's only make believe This is annoying.
I don't want to sit through this.
Man, I guess I ain't the big success I thought I'd be.
I know what you mean, Peter.
When I was young, I thought that someday I'd produce upworthy web content.
Am I doing it? Yes.
But not everyone is so lucky.
(sighs) Damn it, I suck.
I've never done anything important.
Well, except for when I beat Larry Bird for a Big Mac.
Off the floor, off the scoreboard, off the backboard, no rim.
Right near the basket, underhanded, effeminate gasp, over the backboard, out of bounds, waddle over to get it, slip on a towel, twist my ankle, go to the emergency room, doctors tell me it's not that bad and I shouldn't have come there, I make them give me a cast anyway, never play sports again.
Hey, I won the two-dollar sandwich.
Highway to the danger zone Look at me.
I was beautiful.
What are you watching? It's just a teenage loser who didn't realize he had no future in front of him.
Well, when you're done with this, Stewie is trapped between his crib and the wall.
STEWIE: Help.
Somebody help! He's watching an old video.
STEWIE: Okay, when he's done then.
Gonna take you right into the danger zone Oh, my God! He's just rhyming "danger zone" with "danger zone.
" Holy crap! Chris, I was just like you! What? Listen to me, Chris.
I'm a failure in life, and that's all I'll ever be.
But it's not too late for you.
I won't let you go down my path.
What are you saying, Dad? I'm saying, Chris, I am going to make sure that you grow up to be a success.
Yeah, I'm going to be a success! Uh, would you excuse me for a moment? Computer, what does "success" mean? Chris, let me know when you're done with the computer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! No TV for you, Chris.
TV is how stupid losers spend their time.
Peter, what is this all about? I'm trying to save our son, Lois.
I don't want him to end up like me-- dead-end job, crappy house, aging wife who's getting skinny where fat's supposed to be, and fat where skinny's supposed to be.
Ha! Meg, go to your room.
Look, Peter, I'm glad you're thinking about Chris' future, but he's fine.
He's a perfectly normal kid.
Are you crazy? Look at him.
He's over there intentionally giving himself a nosebleed.
Yay! My nose is finally a woman! Okay, so maybe he's a little rough around the edges, but-- Oh, boy, a little got in my mouth there.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to wash this shirt.
Anyway, I'm going to help Chris become a big, important success.
The same way Mumford turned his son into a success.
Okay, Dad, heading out to the concert.
Now, hold on a minute, son.
Where are your arm garters? Your string tie? Your woolen vest? You look nothing like a dry goods clerk from the Garfield administration.
But, Dad No buts! You're a Mumford.
Now get upstairs, put on a jaunty travelling hat, and write the same song Okay, now, Chris, if you want to be a success, you gotta look worldly and sophisticated.
And to do that, you got to dress like Lenny Kravitz, with little something from every part of he world pinned on you.
Leather bracelets! Nipple ring! Zippers where zippers shouldn't be! Wilma Flintstone pearl necklaces! A fur shrug with crocheted sleeves! A hat on a hat! A watch on your pinky toe! And nothing says, "Look at me, I've been places" like two lit road flares hanging from your sunglasses.
Hey, you look like you've been places.
Stop looking at me! I do not want this attention! Come on, Chris, let's get out of here.
Uh, what are you doing? Well, I been trying to make Chris less of a fat dummy, and nothing seems to be working, so now we're high-stepping around in giant hats.
Tip of the giant hat, sir.
And to you, sir! Yes, sir, smart day to you, sir.
And I thank you, sir.
(yelps) (cries) I scraped my knee bad! Get up, Chris, you're embarrassing yourself.
You look stupid and fat.
Peter, I have to ask-- are you pushing Chris so hard because it's what's best for him? Or are you trying to make up or your own disappointment about how your life turned out? Brian, these are the biggest hats I could find, so if your point is that there's even larger ones available, I would greet that with skepticism.
No, no, no, my point is that you need to let Chris find his own path.
(gasps) Oh, my God, you're right, Brian.
He needs to be pointed to a very specific path.
And then forced to go down it.
No, no, that's-that's the opposite of what I just said.
Chris, your best chance for success is to be cultured and worldly, like our dog.
So starting right now, you gotta follow Brian around and do everything he does.
What?! Come on, Brian.
You gotta show Chris how to turn out better than me.
I mean, you went to Brown, you're a published author, you can hear it first when Joe falls out of the tub.
That's starting to happen more often.
But I guess you're right.
Maybe I am the guy to make a diamond out of this lump of coal.
But only if it's what Chris wants.
I don't care.
All right, I'll do it.
Just follow my lead, Chris.
'Cause I think you could be something great.
Who knows? Maybe you'll even become one of those mission control leaders who gets all thoughtful while everybody's celebrating.
Apollo 13, this is Mission Control, do you copy? Apollo 13, this is mission control, do you copy? Do you copy, Apollo 13? (static hissing) Mission Control, this is Apollo 13.
We're all okay.
Good to be home.
(cheering) (sighs) Sir, you did it! Sir, is everything okay? Eh, I bought a Nook e-reader a couple of years ago and I'm still pissed about it.
Hey.
Hey.
Chew that way.
Eh, dinner's no fun without Chris here.
There's nobody here for me to wing my biscuit at.
Well, Peter, he's been spending an awful lot of time with Bri-- Eh, it's not the same.
Anyway, he and Brian have been spending a lot of time together.
Really? You're going to let that slide? Guy throws a biscuit at you? Good evening, all.
Apologies for being so tardy.
Aw, Chris, you're not tardy.
We tested you twice.
There you guys are.
We were wondering about you.
Brian and I have been having a blast.
First we went to a symphony.
Then we saw a small independent play with real smoking in it.
And then we hit the Quahog Book Festival and went to a Q and A to ask questions that weren't really questions.
Wow, look at my sophisticated young man.
You're certainly taking to Brian's example.
If anything, he's teaching me.
I mean, not really, but you-you know.
Aw, see, I knew Brian could put Chris on the path to success.
Hey, Chris, let's celebrate.
There's a new baby panda at the zoo.
How about you and me go chuck tater tots at it? Chuck them at Lois.
She'll just sit there and take it.
(chuckling): Oh, Dad.
That would've been fine for the old me, but Brian and I have to be going.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, we're off to see an old movie on temporary screen in a muddy, freezing park.
That sounds awful.
(chuckling): It is awful.
But at least parking will be impossible.
Bye! Geez, I feel like I just lost my son.
Aw, I got a skin tag in my crack and it stings when I don't wipe right.
This has been a bad dinner.
There you two are.
Sit down and join us.
I can't stay, Mom.
Brian's showing me all of his favorite stuff to do.
Getting spooked when the furnace goes on? We're participating in an autism walk.
Looks like you're doing it right now.
And we may be gone a while, 'cause after that we're going down to the Civic Center.
Michael Ian Black is cocking his eyebrows for four hours.
Ha! He says the things we don't care to say.
Bye! Man, I'm sick of how much time Chris is spending with Brian.
Probably smooching pickles, 'cause they're a couple of pickle smoochers.
It's like he ain't even my son no more, doing all that fancy-pants stuff.
Oh, Peter, I know you miss him, but this is what you wanted, isn't it? Well, yeah, but I didn't realize bettering himself meant blowing off his old man.
You know what? The hell with this.
I want my son back.
Peter, relax.
Chris is just going through a phase.
He'll grow out of it.
Just like you grew out of your "Walk Like An Egyptian" phase.
Paul was a good man.
A good friend.
I'll I'll always remember how supportive he was when I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I can't-I can't- I can't do this.
Check it out, Lois-- when Chris notices that "World's Greatest Son" mug I made, he'll be back on board with his old man in no time.
Hey, Chris, what's on the mug? "World's Greatest Sun.
" This world only has one sun.
What kind of idiot made this mug? When everything's made to be broken (crying) I just want you to know who I am.
(Pharrell William's "Happy" begins) It might seems crazy what I'm about to say I'm very easily influenced by music.
All right, Chris, now I know you're all sophisticated now, but no man can resist the siren call of mentally impaired supermodel Kate Upton.
Mm, sorry, Dad.
I'm more of a Catherine Keener man now.
But, Chris, you got to take advantage.
The clock's ticking on Kate Upton.
She's almost at the end of her window.
(timer dings) Yup, we missed it.
Come on, get out of here.
(grunting) Sorry, Lois, I need the TV.
I gotta win my son back.
What are you talking about, Peter? Well, you know how Brian's got Chris watching all them fancy foreign films now? Well, I figure I can lure Chris in with this French movie-- Le Rocqué Trois.
(accordion plays Rocky theme with French lilt) ADRIENNE (French accent): Rocqué! ROCKY (French accent): Adrienne! Rocqué! Adrienne! MAN (French accent): J'pité Le fool.
ROCKY: Oh, Clubbert Lange! Peter, this is pointless.
You wanted Chris to be a better person with a bright future, and thanks to Brian, that's what he has now.
Yeah, but, I don't even recognize Chris these days.
And I never get to spend time with him.
It's like Chris ain't my friend no more.
Thanks for coming to the book club meeting, everyone.
Well, I gotta say, I loved this week's book-- Annie Proulx's The Shipping News.
Yes, yes! Yes.
Very Portnoy's Complaint.
Uh, I don't What, uh, what do you mean by that? Oh, you know, just with the-the port, and the shipping.
And of course, in Portnoy's Complaint you've got the guy who's living near the water That doesn't sound right.
and he hated the noise from the local port, so he filed one of the very first port noise complaints in maritime law.
And for those of us who read the complaints, trust me, they were very warranted.
Brian, could I talk to you over here? Oh, let's dog-ear this for a sec.
(chuckles) This one gets it.
Brian, what the hell are you talking about? You clearly haven't read either of those books.
Whoa, Chris, now you're starting to sound like Mark Twain, whose real name was Samuel Clemens.
Oh, that is so your go-to! I can't believe you.
I thought you were this worldly, sophisticated guy, but you're just a fraud-- like Moses.
And the Lord's Eleventh Commandment-- "Moses gets to be first in line at the buffet.
" What?! Oh, seriously? I know, you guys, it's so lame, but that's what it says.
Why are you doing that? Why are you hucking tater tots at a baby panda? 'Cause I'm oddly attracted to him and it frightens me.
See, this is why you're so great, Dad.
You don't pretend to be someone you're not.
You do what you want, and you don't care what anyone thinks.
Well, I-I care what you think.
Look, Chris, you're my kid, and I want what's best for you, but I guess I just don't want you to become too good for your old man.
Don't worry, Dad.
I could never be too good for you because you're the best.
And I want to be just like you when I grow up.
Really? Aw, thanks, Chris.
Tater tot? It's fun, right? Yeah! And the mama panda doesn't do anything about it, because she was blinded to make her more submissive.
Ha-ha! You're right.
You know, Chris, all this started 'cause I was feeling bad about being a failure.
But you know what? I got you for a son.
So maybe I did something right.
I love you, Dad.
Come on, Chris.
Let's go get an $18 Coke at the terrible zoo restaurant.
Yay! Sticky tables covered in bees! Coming up, we'll tell you where to look when talking to a coworker in the bathroom.
The answer might surprise you.
Well, I think we all learned something today.
In other news, TVs still make noise, even when people resume their conversations.
Yes, studies have determined That's right, Peter.
And it's the most important lesson.
(Tom continues) Everyone should be who they are.
Success is being true to yourself.
Amen, Mom.
(Tom continues) But to have the love of your family, that's true success.
Let's go ahead and turn off the TV.
TOM: There we go.