Family Guy s14e08 Episode Script

Brokeback Swanson

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! TV ANNOUNCER: It's that time of year again.
Are you a New England dirtbag who wants to run with bulls, but thinks Spain is gay? Then don't miss the Seriously Wicked Bull Run in South Attleboro, Mass! You and your friends can run from a bunch live bulls, and lots of times, there's a chick whose boob comes out.
Order your tickets before it too late! (bull bellows) Toilets limited.
Wow, that seems pretty cool.
Nah, I don't know.
Seems pretty lame to me.
Yeah, waste of time.
I agree.
Hey Joe, isn't this your round? Sure.
I'll wheel over to the bar and bring back your beers one by one in my lap.
You guys, we are so doing that bull run.
Buying the tickets as we speak! But we can't tell Joe.
Of course not, he'll be dead weight.
You can't do a bull run with a guy in a wheelchair.
Yeah, this is for athletes.
Just the regular wash, please.
And, uh, I'm supposed to mention that I saw you on LivingSocial? Was that worth it? Was that worth the one dollar you saved? I'm sorry, we're not doing that promotion anymore.
Oh-ho! All the humiliation, none of the reward.
You know, some people are okay with the drive-through car wash.
Me, I'm a fan of the hand job.
Hi, I'm Brian.
Yes, I like to have fun with language.
(laughs) You're so funny.
I'm Tori.
I got hit by a car in high school, so I don't have to work.
Hey, so what's your afternoon like? I don't have plans.
Maybe we could grab lunch and then see what happens.
(groans) This will not end well.
Like eating an artichoke.
Good Lord! I ate nothing and I'm soaking wet for some reason.
So, you guys all pumped to run with the bulls? You bet, this is gonna be my first exercise since I chased that balloon.
Hey, what's going on? Hey, Joe.
We are competing in the international Chef Boyardee look-alike contest.
Oh, well, where's your chef hat? You guys are gonna lose.
Especially Cleveland.
He's in the Cream of Wheat competition, which is down the street.
We-we got to go now.
We're very late.
Well, this is funny, because guess where I'm going.
And I got the hat.
You guys are dead! (sighs) Look, Joe.
We didn't want to tell you, but we're going to the Seriously Wicked Bull Run.
We didn't invite you because we didn't think you could keep up.
Yeah, we thought it seemed too dangerous for, uh, incapacitated, half-man, shrivel-legged gimps.
And we didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Come on, my handicap has never held me back.
I'm coming with you guys.
Joe, you peed in your bag while you said that.
Can you honestly say that you didn't pee just now while you were talking? Okay, you can come.
Wow, that was amazing.
Hey, uh, uh, just to be clear, I don't really think you're a whore.
I-I just need to say that to, you know, to finish.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
And obviously, I don't think you're my Uncle Dale.
Good, good, same page.
(car engine humming outside) Oh, crap, my husband's home early.
Wait a minute, you're married?! And he's here? Now?! (car door closes) Yeah, that's him.
You've got to get out of here.
He's really jealous.
I think he's bitter because he never got the credit he deserved for killing Osama bin Laden.
Your husband's a Navy SEAL?! What the hell is going on here?! What is this? Ruff! You got a dog? Uh yeah! I rescued him from the pound.
(barking) Well, hey there, buddy.
Wow, his nose is super wet! He must be healthy.
Uh, and somebody's been rooting in a sardine can.
Well, I'm gonna grab a shower.
Great, honey.
Oh, my God, that was close.
Yeah, but think about it.
As long as he thinks you're our new pet, we can keep fooling around behind his back.
Huh, you're right.
Wow, this could be an even better scam than that claw machine at the arcade.
Damn it, this game is so stupid! It's impossible to do anything with a dumb, crappy claw! Hey, that's mean, and it's not even true! I'm leaving! Dang it! You need a little help? No! If you could angle up the ring, then I could kind of hook it.
How do you drive? Bad! (crowd clamoring) (snorting, bellows) We clearly overdressed.
They have the type of fat white woman here that not even I am interested in.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies, gentlemen, and alternative high school graduates, get ready to run for your lives! (beeping) (air horn blares) (crowd clamoring) Aah! I shouldn't have worn high heels! Oh, stop it! You look great.
Oh, well, I didn't want all this attention.
CLEVELAND: Cleveland, why do you let them talk you into these things? This is how people pleasers die! Hey, guys, after this, let's beat alligators with sticks or something.
You read my mind! We just talked about this! (whoops) This is amazing! I told you guys I could do it! Look out Joe! (screeching) (grunting) (screaming) Joe, oh, my God! Are you all right?! I can't feel anything below my neck! I can't move a muscle, guys! Oh, my God! Joe's completely paralyzed! ("Walk Like a Man" by the Four Seasons playing) Oop, that's me.
That's unfortunate.
That's Lois, hold on.
Hey, babe.
Uh, good.
Little hiccup, but fun.
You guys! I've been trying to keep my birthday a secret.
No, Dr.
Hartman, we're not here for your birthday.
We're here for Joe.
Don't sugarcoat it, Doc.
Just give it to me straight.
Well, Mr.
Swanson, I did an exploratory procedure, which revealed extensive damage.
Please, just tell me-- am I completely paralyzed? I'm afraid of ghosts.
And yes.
Swanson has lost all movement, and will require around-the-clock care.
Most of it disgusting.
Oh, my God, Bonnie, I'm so sorry.
If there's anything I can do There actually is.
Could you collect my mail forever? I'm leaving Joe and moving to Europe.
I didn't sign up for this.
Bonnie, wait! God, this is awful.
What am I gonna do? Well, seems like you folks have this all taken care of.
(door opens) PEOPLE: Surprise! HARTMAN: Oh, you guys! Hey, don't go in that room back there.
It's, like, super sad.
Coming up, quintuplets born at Quahog General.
What? That's Oh, that's supposed to be "burn"? Oh, coming up, quintuplets burn at Quahog General.
Hey, honey, get in here.
Check this out-- the way he's sitting, it looks like the dog's watching the news.
You like watching the news, you dumb dog? Well, I'm off to do what former Navy SEALs do-- sell lawnmowers.
Wow, he really has no idea.
Hey, want to take a shower with me? Sure.
Man, this is a pretty sweet gig.
Like being a member of Daft Punk.
(French accent): Look at this old Casio keyboard from the 1980s that I have found.
Watch what happens when I push this demo button.
Hello, Daft Punk? Great song.
Here's a Grammy.
Oh-ho-ho! (French accent): You know, is funny.
Until you spoke, I did not know we were French! There you go, Joe.
All settled.
Now, which wall would you like to look at for the rest of your life? I don't know, maybe that one.
I-I have no idea what you're pointing at, Joe.
You got to meet us halfway.
Look, guys, I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
You go ahead and live your lives.
I'll be fine.
We can't just leave you, Joe.
So before we go, I'm gonna put the remote in your mouth.
Here's a can of chili.
And the opener we'll put in your mouth.
And here's a magazine I thought you might like to read.
I'm gonna put it in your mouth.
(muffled): You're a good friend, Peter.
Joe, I just wish we could do more, but obviously your mouth is full.
And you probably don't want any reminders of Bonnie around the house, so I cleared out all of her underwear.
Okay, don't be a stranger.
Yeah, 'cause we're not supposed to talk to those.
I don't know, I'm not sure I feel right about leaving Joe.
Doesn't seem like he's gonna be able to take care of himself.
Yeah, we're-we're kind of all he has now.
What-- Joe? What're you talking about? He's fine.
Look, he's already watching The Price Is Right in there.
Oop, he's biting too hard on the volume.
(The Price Is Right theme song playing) Okay, you can play over there in the sandbox, honey.
Mommy's just gonna read her book.
Okay, I'm just gonna walk 30 feet away, and then panic because I can't see you.
Can you fit me in at 10:00 tomorrow? It's getting a little long on the sides.
Brian? What are you doing on a leash? And who's that? (shushes) Be cool.
This is the guy whose wife I'm banging.
Oh, what a romantic way to put it.
Yeah, it's great.
I just pretend to be their dog, and then when he leaves for work, I get to go to the pound, if you know what I mean.
God, Brian, you are such a scumbag.
I can't believe you-- Mommy! Mommy! Where's my Mommy?! I have no one and nothing! LOIS: I'm right here, honey.
Oh, thank God.
She's such a gross hog.
Joe, you can't just sit here.
You need intellectual stimulation.
So I brought something to read to you.
It's the word search from the Sunday Circular.
" Let's see if we can find that one.
" I think it's an Australian theme.
" It definitely is.
Can't make out this one.
"Abor Aborgine Aborgina"? That's what they call eggplant down there.
You know what? Forget this.
I'll just read to you from Jet.
Look, this whole page is all the Wayans brothers sitting in different positions.
How you suppose they come up with all them positions? You could give me a million years.
I just ain't wired that way.
Marlon's like a rubber man.
He can sit in any kind of way.
Here's Keenan telling the younger ones how to sit.
(scoffs) Like they gonna listen.
Damon's doing his own thing.
No surprise there.
That's Damon.
You enjoying all this, Joe? I'm honestly just glad it seems like you have something you like.
Hey, my laptop's out of battery.
You want to have sex? Sure, I've almost finished my sandwich, anyway.
Oh, come on, I don't want to have to watch this.
VIC: Yeah, that's right.
I was the only one who didn't get to meet Biden.
(groans) You know what? Screw this.
I'm out of here.
Ha! Skewered.
VIC: Hey! Where do you think you're going? You're my dog.
You're not going anywhere.
Besides, I need you, boy.
Now more than ever.
I think my wife is cheating on me.
Hey, Tori, it's Brian.
I'm getting the Chinese food for us.
I think I'm gonna order some Me Like Bang Ho.
(laughs) That's-that's not a real thing, I'm talking about sex.
All right, I'll be there in five.
Man, when I find that son of a bitch, I'm gonna rip his head off.
God, what a nightmare.
That guy's even scarier than a thesaurus-asaurus.
Tread, stomp, trudge.
Growl, roar, ululate.
Antonym-- whisper.
What's wrong with him? He's on the spectrum.
"Spectrum"? In my day we'd throw him in the army and have him play the bugle.
Peter, this just isn't working.
We can't take proper care of Joe.
It's a huge amount of work and we don't have any idea what we're doing.
Quagmire's right.
It's too much.
I just think he'd be better off under the care of grumpy, Filipino nurses.
Yeah, that's why I looked into it, and we've reserved a place for him at the State Home for Mentals and Bastards.
Oh, my God, sometimes they whip them with hoses outside?! This is perfect! Hi, I work here.
I don't think this guy works here.
Hi, can I help you? Yeah, this is Joe Swanson.
We arranged for a 9:15 dump-off? Go on, guys, get out of here.
I'll be fine.
Bye, Joe.
Take care, man.
See ya, Joe.
Hold on, guys.
There's one last thing I got to say to my friend.
Hey, Joe, you know that movie you told me to watch that you said was your favorite movie of all time, and you said I had to watch it? Backdraft-- you finally watched it? Yeah.
Wasn't it great? I thought it was stupid.
Take care, Joe.
You know, tha-that state home we left Joe in didn't seem so bad.
Yeah, it's got to be good.
I mean, Napoleon Bonaparte was there.
Would the French people let their boss walk around in stained underwear trying to stab people if the place wasn't nice? Yeah, no, no, y-you're right, you're right.
Joe will get much better care there.
I still feel bad.
Come on, you guys.
Joe's gonna be fine.
He'll fit in great there.
Not like when I went to Hogwarts.
Housing for registered sex offenders! Aw.
Oh, Tori, thank God.
Listen, you got to unchain me.
Look what Vic did.
Tell me about it.
He's lost his mind.
That's why I'm gonna go stay with my mother in Baltimore and work at her wife's bar.
Wait, what?! Tori, come back! Damn it! Wow, shocker.
Your gross hookup from the car wash ended poorly? Stewie, thank God! How'd you find me? Well, you remember when the vet knocked you out to take out that rotten tooth? He also put a tracking chip in your neck.
What?! That's a total violation of my rights! Heh, I like how you're chained up in a yard and still trying to pretend you're a guy.
Look, you got to help me.
Her husband's a maniac and the only reason he hasn't killed me is because he thinks I'm just his pet dog.
Hmm, he's got a padlock on here.
But don't worry, I'll figure something out.
Well, hurry, 'cause I'm trapped like a baseball announcer.
ANNOUNCER: And the count is two and two.
Garcia steps off the mound again, virtually guaranteeing that my wife will be asleep when I get home.
The big right-hander kicks a little dirt and tosses the rosin bag as my children grow up without me.
Okay, and now a fan in the stands is giving me the finger.
I agree.
Hey, I don't know if you can hear it, but I'm peeing in my coffee cup right now.
There you are.
Where the hell have you been? I got arrested for huckin' a TV/VCR combo off the dam.
Off the damn what? Off the damn overpass.
(laughs): Oh God, I love you, Lois.
That was like great sex.
But seriously, it-it was bad.
It hit a school bus.
Oh, my God! Well-well, can you go talk to Joe? Maybe he can put in a word for you down at the police station.
Yeah, yeah, Joe, yeah, may-- yeah, maybe, maybe.
Do you, uh, you-you want a back rub? Peter, what's going on? Uh, what do you mean? Whenever you offer me a back rub, it means you're hiding something.
(gunfire) (chickens clucking) You, uh, you-you want a back rub? We may or may not have put Joe in a smelly home for the goofy.
What?! Peter, those places are a horror show! Joe's your friend! How could you treat him like that? We just couldn't handle him being fully paralyzed.
We didn't know what else to do.
But you're right.
We got to get him out of there.
You most certainly do.
All right, how about that back rub now? What are you, nuts? What the hell do you want? Oh, hello, sir.
I'm afraid there's been a mistake.
I believe you found our dog, and we need to take him home.
No way! Get lost, kid.
He's my dog now.
Well, we figured you'd say no to us, but not to Vice President Joe Biden! Oh, my God! Mr.
Vice President! First, I want to thank you, Vic, for shooting the guy we said was Osama bin Laden.
Second, give these kids their dog back.
Of course, sir, I'm so sorry! Here, take him! Thank you.
You're a great American.
Thanks, Mr.
Biden! No problem.
Hey, you guys watch Veep? No.
Yeah, it's all fake.
Yeah, we said no.
Hi, uh, we're here to pick up Joe Swanson.
Are you from the news? You have to tell us if you're from the news.
No, we're his friends.
What are you guys doing here? We came to bring you home, Joe.
We're all really sorry we abandoned you.
Yeah, we just kind of got overwhelmed and all freaked out.
But we're your friends, Joe.
And we'll always be there for you no matter what.
Thanks, guys.
I'd say let's get my stuff, but it's all been stolen.
That's okay.
Come on, let's go home.
Sorry, no one gets out of here without a release from their doctor.
All right, we'll just call him right now.
(phone ringing) What's that ringing? Joe, that ringing-- it's coming from your back! It is? Holy crap! Dr.
Hartman must have dropped his phone in Joe when he was looking at his spine! Oh, thank God.
I've been hearing that ringing all week.
I just thought I was losing my mind from lunatics screaming in my face.
Your mother's a whore! I told you that in confidence, Gary.
Ah, it's so great to have you back, Joe.
You seem good as new.
Yeah, it turns out Dr.
Hartman's cell phone was pressing on my spinal cord, and that's what was causing my total paralysis.
Yeah, sorry we dropped the ball for a while, which is the way we agreed we'd describe what we did to you, which hopefully makes it seem less heinous.
It's all right, guys.
I'm just glad to be back on my feet.
Well, you know what I mean.
(laughter) PETER: I never saw much of Joe after that.
And while he's been gone for many years, I've never forgotten his face or his laughter.
Come on, are we going to the beach? We've been waiting forever.
Yeah, be right there, champ.
He said that the first two times we asked.
I know, he spaces out when he's at the computer.
These aren't my kids.
And also, this isn't play wrestling.
We're actually fighting.