Family Guy s14e10 Episode Script

Candy, Quahog Marshmallow

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Where are you going? I'm going to Quagmire's to get some hand-me-downs.
His dad-mom sent over some boxes of men's clothes from back before the ol' chippety-choppety.
(groans) You shouldn't wear people's old, dirty clothes.
Well, I'm a dirty guy, Lois.
Haven't you ever seen my naughty, late-night, party-line commercials? Hey, are you lonely? Do you like to party with hot girls? What about horsing around with fat guys? Well, what are you waiting for? Give us a call.
I'll be on the toilet, wearing a T-shirt that's so long I have to hold it under my chin while I wipe.
Wow, your dad doesn't use this Dickie anymore? That's crazy.
Why would anyone get rid of a perfectly good Dickie? I see what you're doing, and cut it out.
Hey, what are these? Oh, my God, I haven't seen these in years! What do you got there? Some kind of home movie from the Orient? No, no, this is Winter Summer.
It was a Korean soap opera that I was in.
You were in a Korean soap opera? Yeah, back when the Navy had me stationed in Busan, I saw an ad in the paper for guys over five-foot-four, and I was the only one who showed up.
Next thing I know, I'm on TV, playing a guy named American Johnny.
Wow, I didn't even know you could act.
You also didn't know I was a rock polisher.
Take a look at that.
Oh, my! What is that? That's tiger eye.
Extraordinary.
(singing in Korean) Holy crap, Quagmire, you speak Korean? Nah, not really.
They just told me how to sound the words out phonetically.
So you never knew what you were actually saying? No.
In fact, at the height of the show, I did a whole pro-genital-mutilation PSA that I really regret.
Wow, that girl's hot.
That's a guy.
That other guy's handsome.
That's a girl.
That cat is cute.
That's a dog.
What is everything?! Oh, my God, if Hee-Sun and Bong-Hwa don't get together, I'm gonna kill myself! You're crazy! Bong-Hwa is completely dishonorable! He brought a personal item to work! Oh, my God! No way! I told you! I told you! Wow, I guess he didn't die in the vending machine.
What?! It's over?! Should we put in the next one? Of course we should.
We are binge-watching this whole show.
I mean, I haven't been this into something since The Shawshank Redemption.
Yes, um, after you escaped into the hole, how did you perfectly re-attach the Raquel Welch poster from inside the hole with a tautness that a rock could pierce? Does it really matter? It does to me.
Did you even like the movie? I did very much up until that point.
(tires screeching) (crowd screaming, clamoring) Oh, my God! Quagmire, give me the last tape! Huh.
Sorry, guys.
There are no more tapes.
What?! Where's the last one?! He's right.
Oh, my God! What do we do?! Quagmire, tell us what happened! Did Hee-Sun live to have the baby?! Did Kim secure a position at the hydroelectric plant?! I don't know.
I don't remember.
How can you not remember? It was 20 years ago.
We shot out of order.
I-I never even knew what I was saying.
I didn't care.
I was living the life.
Just banging chicks and eating cabbage, you know.
Aw, crap, what do we do about our show? Now I know how that German movie producer felt.
All right, Friedrich, now that World War Two is over, we can get back to making comedies again.
Get me these comedy writers.
Uh I don't think any of these guys are available.
What?! This is terrible! Get me my agent! He's, uh, he's probably not gonna answer either.
Well, this is crazy! What happened? Oh, I remember what happened.
That episode's not online anywhere.
I even tried the Korean search engine Bing Bong.
That's not real.
All right, it's not, but, Quagmire, we need that episode.
We got to know what happened! Guys, I'm sorry, but it was years ago, and it never aired outside Korea.
So we go to Korea.
Yes.
Buying tickets.
Come on, guys, it's just a dumb, forgotten TV show.
Quagmire, we have to know how Winter Summer ends.
This show is our whole life now.
Yeah, if we don't find that tape, we're screwed.
Like anybody who goes scuba diving with Dave Navarro.
(grunting) All right, gang, me and the guys are off to Korea to find the last episode of a soap opera Quagmire was in.
Peter, this is ridiculous.
Wh-What am I supposed to do if work calls? Just do what I do.
Hold the phone up to any episode of Who's the Boss? Griffin, it's been four days.
Why haven't you come to work? TONY DANZA: Angela? Of course it's me! You know, I've got half a mind to fire you.
(whining): Angela.
Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
I'll see you when I see you.
Man, Epcot nailed Asia.
(gasps) American Johnny! (crowd clamoring) Holy crap, Quagmire, you're famous here! It's American Johnny! American Johnny is back! I take a picture with giant Samsung phone! Giant Samsung phone is also tiny Kia car! Welcome, American Johnny.
We give only best room for you.
Would you like smoking or chain smoking? Uh, smoking, I guess? Yes, and how many ridiculous things would you like your toilet to do? Do you have one that goes, "Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum"? Ah, presidential suite! Well, Donna's mother died.
But we should probably head out to find the last episode of that Korean soap opera.
Yeah.
Where's Peter? Oh, he went to get plastic surgery.
He did? Yeah, Korea's the plastic surgery capital of the world.
Nobody here thinks you look good unless you have big, round eyes and a tiny little nose and chin.
Hey, guys.
Peter, are you all right?! You know what? I feel good.
I feel like I want to giggle behind my hand at a lot of things and hold, but not eat, a big ice cream cone.
There were more birds than videos in there.
Yeah, and no sign of Winter Summer.
WOMAN: Glenn? Glenn Quagmire? Sujin? (gasps) It's Hee-Sun! From the show! I don't believe it.
She's so beautiful.
(high-pitched): She's so beautiful! H-How did you find me? I heard that American Johnny was back, so I started following you on the new "Where American Johnny?" app.
I already rich from that.
Dance for me, Hilary Duff! Ah, it's so great to see you, Sujin.
You look just as pretty as ever.
I've waited every day hoping you would return.
And I never stopped thinking of you.
(gasps) Were you guys involved? We were, Peter.
Korean O-M-G! Sujin, we actually came here to find the last episode of Winter Summer.
Would you happen to have it? Of course.
(gasps) Can we see it? Why, yes.
Tonight.
Glenn, you and your friends must come to my home for gross Korean dinner.
Man, look at them.
They make such a cute couple.
Like Pac-Man and Ms.
Pac-Man.
(Pac-Man "waka-waka" sound effect playing) I'm so happy you all could make it tonight.
We will have many things you will nibble at and not eat.
Then I will give you a pizza.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great.
Hey, can we watch that last episode of Winter Summer now? We will watch together after dinner.
In the meantime, feel free to watch Korean pop videos.
(Korean pop music playing) What is this, and how can I make the rest of my life about it? Dinner will be ready soon.
But, Glenn, I have a surprise for you.
Do you remember Buttercup? Who's Buttercup? (purring) Oh, my God, I can't believe Buttercup is still alive! Alive and well.
Wait a minute, you named a cat Buttercup? (laughs) Only Quagmire.
And you know, Glenn, after you moved away, Buttercup had kittens.
(gasps) What? That's right.
You're a grandfather.
(meowing) My God.
This is more pussy than even I can handle.
CLEVELAND: Is he gonna say "giggity"? Should I say "giggity"? Are other people allowed to say "giggity"? Giggity.
What? Nothing.
It's stupid.
Ah, that was a great dinner, Sujin.
I've missed you so much.
I'd forgotten how happy we make each other.
Okay, I'm done with this sweet rice water that has a pine nut floating in it.
Nice dessert, by the way.
Can we watch the thing now? Of course.
Here it is-- the last episode of Winter Summer.
Oh, my God! This is everything I've dreamed of.
Well, this, and becoming a half-man, half-horse.
Give up these legs? Don't be absurd.
(dramatic music playing) (all crying) Why?! Why would American Johnny leave Korea? He had everything! Love! A family! Why would he go back to his sad, pathetic bachelor life in America?! He's got nothing there! Why would he ever want to go home?! Okay, Quagmire, let's go home.
Well, you know what? You're right, Peter.
American Johnny never should've left.
It was the only time he was ever happy.
What? What are you saying? Hey, Sin-ju, your TV says it's 21:00.
What is that in real time? I'm saying I'm not going back to Quahog.
What?! But we've-we've seen the last episode.
We did what we came here to do.
Peter, everything you just said is true.
I don't have anyone waiting for me in Quahog.
But here, I've got Sujin.
I've got Buttercup and our grandcats.
I've got a family.
I'm not gonna make the same mistake American Johnny did.
I'm staying here.
KOREAN ANNOUNCER: Will Quagmire stay in Korea? Will Peter find a new friend? Find out after this Korean commercial Ashton Kutcher thought no one in America would ever see.
Hi.
I'm Ashton Kutcher.
Have you ever killed a dog while driving drunk, and then been upset that there was no way for your car engine to cook it for you on the rest of the drive home? Well, those days are over, thanks to Dr.
Lee's Pet Engine Cooking Bag.
Just put the dog in the bag, place it over the engine block, and drive your usual over the speed limit.
Mmm.
Bow-wow! I'm Ashton Kutcher, and remember, Dr.
Lee's Pet Engine Cooking Bags are not meant for babies.
But they can be used for babies.
Quagmire, you can't stay in Korea.
We all got lives back in Quahog.
That's just it, Peter-- you have lives.
You guys all have wives and kids.
And I have nothing waiting for me back there.
But here, I have a family.
Plus, commercial pilots around here can just fly their plane into the ocean if they want.
Peter's right-- we can't just leave you here.
Who am I gonna get all my wiener jokes from? You're my wiener guy.
Joe, I got them from a book.
I wish I didn't know that.
Don't peek behind the curtain, huh? Sorry, guys, you're not gonna change my mind.
I just feel like I belong here with Sujin.
What are you gonna do? It's a powerful thing when a woman pays you even the slightest bit of attention.
Yeah, God knows I've been there.
Welcome to Chili's.
We're through.
Can't believe Quagmire isn't coming back with us.
Donna's mother? It was suicide.
You guys want to check out Brazil while we're out? We just got to accept that Quagmire has made his decision.
There's nothing we can do about it.
Yeah, I guess as far as Quagmire's concerned, he's totally Korean now.
(Korean pop music playing) Guys, there's only one way to get through to a Korean.
Through their music.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
We can try your thing.
Eh, another show about a lizard.
Quagmire, you're making a mistake.
Quahog is where you belong.
That's right.
And if you won't listen to us, maybe you'll listen to, um us.
But singing.
(Korean pop music playing) Quagmire! Quagmire! Heh-heh heh-heh-heh Ooo! Your new romance has you lost in an Asian trance So we're breakin' the spell with a K-pop dance Ooo-oo-oo-oo-hoo In our booty pants Ooo-oo-oo-oo-hoo Everything in this land is complete nonsense Even worse, Kim Jong-un lives across that fence Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo Come home, where you belong Quahog is your home Quagmire Who wants to live in Korea? Come home Their name sounds like gonorrhea Quahog So, Quagmire, please tell 'em see ya Come on, come on, come on home, Quahog is your home Boy Whiskey, steaks and giant bongs Ricki Lake and Howie Long Giant boobies, firm and strong Not here, only in the U.
S.
A.
, hey Come on home today Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo Confusing dance break! Random names of snacks now! Candy! Quahog! Marshmallow! Candy! Quahog! Marshmallow! You only belong in Quahog Come home You really love pussy, they eat dog So, buddy, please run, don't jog and Come on, come on, come on home Quahog is your home Boy Heh-heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh, ooo! Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh-heh Ooo! Sorry, guys.
I know those New York Giants jerseys weren't cheap, but I'm staying here, and that's final.
Well, I pressed our matching beige pantsuits for tomorrow.
Good night.
(screams) Who's that?! This is my grandfather.
He is going to live with us, in the Asian tradition.
So will the rest of my aunts, uncles and cousins.
(indistinct chatter) They will? Of course.
And have you met Great-Grandma? I can see through her! I-Is she a ghost? We don't know.
She won't answer.
Tomorrow, you take her to town to buy root vegetable.
After that, you will get psychopath haircut so you look like one of us.
(sighs) What's the matter, Glenn? You don't seem completely emotionless.
No, no, no, no, I am, I am.
I'm emotionless.
Good night, Glenn.
Oh, and just so you know, three of my cousins have night terrors.
(people snoring) (screams) (screams) Oh, no! It's crazy we're going home without Quagmire.
What are we gonna do without him? Rent his house to a sorority, enjoy the babes? Huh.
Good-bye, Quagmire.
We're gonna miss you, buddy.
QUAGMIRE: Guys, wait! (Korean pop music playing) Who wants to live in Korea? Their name sounds like gonorrhea Candy! Quahog! Marshmallow! Candy! Quahog! Marshmallow! What I'm trying to say is guys, I'm coming back to Quahog with you.
You are? Oh, that's great! But wait, won't that upset Sujin and your new Korean family? What, are you kidding? They all got to be in a K-pop song.
That's all anyone here wants.
Look, Great-Grandma is so happy, she finally died and became a ghost.
Thanks again for convincing me to come home, guys.
No problem, Quagmire.
Looks like Donna's mother's funeral went well.
Odd choice to have an open casket for a gunshot suicide.
Yep, I thought I wanted a family, but I love having no responsibilities here.
I can get drunk whenever, sleep with anyone, and just hide in my house and avoid the world if I feel like it.
Wow, that's great, and totally doesn't sound like symptoms of clinical depression.
I heard you gentleman went to South Korea.
Yeah.
Well, that's cool.
We went to Lake Havasu, you losers! We nabbed so much college beav!