Family Guy s14e16 Episode Script

The Heartbreak Dog

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Family Guy 14x16 The Heartbreak Dog @elderman (low chatter, slow, jazz music plays) (knocking) Hey, welcome to Bonnie's 29th birthday party.
(laughing): I ca I can't keep this up.
She's 46.
Here, we brought you guys an orchid from Trader Joe's, because we don't know or care about any of your interests.
Well, I put together some videos for Bonnie's party.
Here we are on our honeymoon.
(mariachi music playing) Yeah, Cabo was great.
We even went back for our 10th anniversary.
(mariachi music playing) Better wrap it up, honey, tide's coming in.
Well, let's break for presents, but after that, I'll show you Susie's birth video, and I'll tell you, she fell out of there like an orange out of an old dress sock.
Ugh, I have to text Rupert what a train wreck this is.
(quacking sound) Hey, I want real things.
(toilet flushing) Kind of weird they're keeping all our jackets in the tub.
(crying) (crying continues) Bonnie? I told you, Joe, when we're alone, you can call me "Bonald.
" No, i-it's me, Brian.
Is that your real name? I mean, are you are you okay? Sorry, am I allowed on the bed? I guess so.
What's wrong? Nothing.
I have something in my eye.
Yes, you do.
It looks like sadness.
Come on, you can tell me.
I'm your neighbor's dog.
I don't know.
It's just that when I was young, I had so many things I wanted to do with my life, but now, I'm 46, and all I've ever done is take care of Joe.
And now you feel like you never had a chance to be your true self.
I know just how you feel.
I mean, I'm happy that Peter found me and gave me a home, but sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier on my own.
It's like sometimes, I feel Trapped? No, I was going to say, "like the Von Trapps.
" You know, unable to leave their home in Austria.
Well, that still is remarkably close.
Thanks for being so nice to me, Brian.
Why are you scratching behind my ear? I I don't I don't know.
I thought it might make you feel better.
It does feel kind of nice.
You're a good girl.
You're going to be okay.
(soft moaning) I'm I'm sorry.
I did I didn't I didn't mean No, it's okay.
Um I better go downstairs before Joe realizes I'm gone.
And before Peter gets into the stuff that's not for the party.
PETER: Aw, Halloween candy! JOE: Peter, get out of the pantry.
Ah, I can't believe I just kissed my friend's wife.
I'm a bigger scumbag than Spock.
I heard that there was a Romulan ship spotted in our sector, which means Hey, hey.
(jabbering) Kids, this morning, Principal Shepherd wanted to say a few words.
Thank you, Mrs.
Uh, before I start, are these the normal kids or kind of the "dur, dur" ones? It's a healthy mix.
Good morning, children.
It's that time of the year again to fulfill your community service requirement by signing up for volunteer work.
Do we get to choose our own jobs? No, no, no, no.
The jobs will be assigned randomly but the cooler and prettier students have the better jobs.
For instance, blonde chick in the third row will wash my car this afternoon while, Little Miss Frumpkin with all the questions, will work in an old folks' home.
Is "frumpkin" good? (laughing): No, no.
Brian, what are you doing up so late? Ah, I'm having trouble sleeping.
I got to tell you something.
I kissed Bonnie last night.
What?! I know! I know! It was a huge mistake.
So let's just do two or three high-fives and then forget it ever happened.
Brian, if Joe finds out, he'll kill you.
Yeah, no kidding.
That's why you can't tell anybody.
Promise me.
Oh, don't worry.
Don't worry.
I'm great at keeping secrets.
Well, except for that one time you discovered my hidden shame.
Peter? Brian.
I'm, uh, I'm sorry.
I'm one of these guys now.
I'm sorry, Brian, I'm sorry.
Parkhurst? I'm Meg, your new student volunteer.
Oh, you must be my new student volunteer.
Yeah, I just said that.
What's your name, dear? It's Meg.
Can can I get a new person? Nonsense, come in, and between you and me, I hate my new student volunteer.
That ugly little Meg.
She says she's a girl, but she certainly has a boy's body odor.
(sighs) (doorbell ringing) Oh, come on in.
Peter, Joe and Bonnie are here for game night.
Game night? Yeah, I figured it was the least we could do, since you pulled up a beheading video on your phone at their party and showed it to everyone.
It was really more about how loud my phone can get.
Peter, we're doing this.
(sighs) All right.
But the Operation game is out of batteries, so I'll have to make the noise.
(imitates buzzer) You hear that? That's the sound of bad surgery.
All right, I'm awesome at charades.
Guys are going first.
Okay, go.
Uh, About a Boy.
Uh, Four Four Weddings and a Funeral.
Uh, Nine Months.
Notting Hill.
Yes, it was Notting Hill.
I'm going to go get more wine.
Oh, hey.
Hi, Brian.
Um, listen, about the other night.
You haven't told anyone, have you? No, no, of course not.
I was going to ask if you had.
Hey, Brian, can you bring me up a snack? I'm supposed to be in bed.
Look, the other night was great, but it was a mistake.
You're right.
STEWIE: Oh, man, what? Yeah, I me I mean, there's there's definitely some kind of connection between us, but I felt it, too, but maybe in another life, huh? (sighs) Yeah, I guess you're right.
This could never work.
Like porn movies before sound.
(lively piano music playing) (moaning and grunting) Ooh.
Oh, there you are.
Come on, Bonnie, it's Joe's turn.
Okay, here we go, uh, uh, crippled guy uh, cheating wife uh, uh, cheating wife of a crippled guy Uh, dog some something with a dog uh, dog kiss.
I-I-I, uh, I think that's, uh, time.
Your, your turn is over.
Oh, sounds like, uh, sounds like dog kisses crippled guy's wife at your party.
Wait, wait! I know it.
The other night at your party, Brian kissed Bonnie.
(all gasp) LOIS: What? Bonnie, is this true? Oh, my God.
I know, making out with a dog? Can you even imagine a woman who possibly does that for real? Uh, hi, Joe.
Hi, Brian.
Look, I-I want to apologize for what happened.
I-I-I didn't mean to kiss Bonnie.
Everybody had a little too much to drink.
It-it just happened.
Uh, I hope we're still cool.
Hey, don't worry about it.
It was a crazy party.
We ran out of salsa.
(laughing) How do you run out of salsa? Anyway, we're good.
(relieved sigh) Really? Oh, thank God.
I-I-I was worried you'd be mad.
Mad? At my buddy, Brian? Not a chance.
Hey, is that your car? What? No! Wh-what's he doing? My car was parked legally.
Well, maybe your car violated some sort of unspoken boundary.
One that nobody bothers to codify because it's just common decency.
Hey, Joe, is that the guy? Read your text, Jerry.
Not supposed to say you know me.
Well, I hope your day gets better, Brian, but, uh, I wouldn't count on it.
(evil laughter) Boy, it wasn't easy Mrs.
Parkhurst, but I think we got the nail that was poking through your slipper.
Well, you strike me as someone who's never going to get married, that's for sure.
Now get me my itch cream.
Is it in the drawer? Shut up! I'm trying to hum atonally.
(hums atonally) Ugh.
(humming continues) Here's your cream.
See you Thursday.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I stole this.
You know what? I don't feel bad.
That woman's a nightmare.
(gasps) Ooh, I should text this to my best friend.
(cell phone chimes) Sick brooch! Adam, are you done with that mayor homework, yet? It's called a bill, Mom.
Hey, Brian, I, uh, feel that things have been awkward between us, but just to show you there's no hard feelings, can I buy you a drink? You know what? Sure, thanks.
What the hell happened? Ah! How do I walk?! Are these forever?! I also rubbed my butt on you while you were unconscious.
I like to put stuff online.
Meg, Mom said that Hey, what's all this stuff? Stuff I stole from the old folks' home.
But you should see how they treat me.
Meg, that's no excuse.
Stealing is just plain Oh, my God, is that someone else's glasses? I love wearing other people's glasses.
(laughs) Do I look like I stole atomic secrets? You do.
Wow, this is awesome.
I want in.
And there's the splitting headache from wearing someone else's glasses.
Okay, Chris, here's a room I haven't hit, yet.
Here, follow my lead.
Who's there? Why are you in my room? Oh, hi.
You died, and I'm here to take you to heaven.
Um, upsy-daisy, here we go.
Well, now that I'm in heaven (squeaky fart) Hurry, take everything, and be quick or we'll be in bigger trouble than a fat guy at a water park.
Come on, Dad, let's go on the water slide.
(sighs) I can't fit.
I'm afraid I'll get stuck.
I'll just go in the lazy river.
But, Dad No, son, this is the life I've chosen.
When your day is long And the night The night is yours alone When you're sure you (music stops) (music resumes): you've had enough Of this life Guys, thanks again for doing this.
Joe has been making my life hell.
Of course.
All right, now when Joe gets here we're just going to tell him he needs to lighten up on Brian, and then we'll all talk this thing out so we can move past it.
And then I get to show my card trick? If there's time.
Let's make this quick.
What's going on? What's all this? Joe, we all know what happened and we're here for you.
But we think that you're taking this revenge on Brian just a little too far.
Yeah, I mean, come on.
It'sit's like enough is enough.
The Triscuits are the rosemary kind, not the regular kind.
Me? I'm not the guy who violated the sanctity of someone else's marriage.
Well, you make a good point, Joe, and you're right, this is Brian.
We all know he don't care where he gets his wick wet.
Just ask Quagmire's father.
Okay, we might be getting a little off track, here.
Yeah, yeah, Brian's right.
Joe, you're out of control.
Even though Brian's been trying to do my wife for years, and on some level, I hate him for it.
Oh, Brian's a complete dick, we all know that, but I think we're losing sight of the point that Bonnie's a weird slut who's always letting you know she's open for business.
What? When am I doing that? Oh, come on, when are you not doing that? With that boo-boo-baby voice, and that still-breastfeeding rack.
(grunts) Give me some of that! I'm Bonnie's friend, but she could sometimes get the mail in something other than a robe.
Okay, so we're all in agreement, Bonnie and Brian are terrible people.
Quagmire, I want you to think of a card, but do not tell me what it is.
Okay, enough.
How dare any of you criticize Bonnie? For years, she gave up her own dreams to take care of Joe.
And yeah, maybe she kissed me.
Maybe she needed to because she feels so trapped in her marriage.
It's true.
No one ever takes the time to ask how I feel.
Brian's the only one.
They don't get us, Bonnie, and you deserve better than this.
We both do.
You know what? Let's get out of here.
Wow, we are zero for two on interventions today.
I'm not changing for nobody.
You're no you're the ones with the problems.
Ah, we did it.
We don't need those narrow-minded losers.
This is so exciting.
We can finally live the lives we've always wanted.
Like, I can finally start my jewelry design business making earrings for tweens.
Listen, hear that? That is the sound of not making an enormous mistake.
I think I hear it.
(alarm dinging) Oh, hang on, looks like we need gas.
So do you have, like, a credit card? Nope and no cash, either, but I don't care.
I couldn't stand another moment with Joe.
It was torture just watching him do a crossword puzzle.
Hey, Bonnie, what's a five-letter word for marriage? Fraud.
Uh, it's got to start with a "U".
Boy, you stink at this.
(big bang music plays) (music continues) Boy, it's just so comforting to be here surrounded by other people's memories.
(blowing nose loudly) Back into the sleeve with you.
Can you hand me another nylon that I use as a sock with my huge beige shoe? Sure, and can you hand me that ashtray? I might fire up this pipe again.
Chris, that's not an ashtray.
That's an urn for someone's ashes.
Really? Yeah, you've been putting your pipe out in some guy.
Oh, my God, what are we doing? I feel awful.
We need to give everything back.
Oh, you're right.
We need to do the right thing.
Like the dad from Small Wonder.
All right, Vickie, time to shut you down for the night.
(robotic voice) Good-night.
See you tomorrow.
(hisses through teeth) Nah.
(sighs) She's really gone, and she took little Susie with her.
I miss that baby more than anything.
(Susie crying) Oh, I guess she left it here.
Joe, I want you to know, I will not support that relationship.
If Brian and Bonnie get married, I will not go.
Although, Brian might want me to be his best man.
Then I'd have to go, and I'd have to dance.
It would be weird to be best man and not dance.
And I'd have to give a toast, and say that Bonnie's the best thing that ever happened to him.
You know, she is the best thing that ever happened to him, but don't worry, Joe.
I'll only refer to you as Bonnie's ex.
You know, like, "Bonnie has an ex, but Brian marks the spot.
" Oh, Peter, that's good.
Thanks, babe.
I hope Brian and Bonnie are as happy as us.
To Brian and Bonnie.
Bad news: the teenage runaways at table four were not big tippers.
We just need enough money to get to Taos.
That's like the capital of making and selling your own jewelry.
Okay, enough about the jewelry.
Do you even know how to make it? I know how to make jewelry.
I just don't know how to make the metal go into shapes.
Hey, you know what'd be great? If you could talk with even a little bit of inflection to your voice, so it doesn't sound so much like a (bleep) power sander.
Screw you.
You tweet things that aren't worth tweeting.
Well, I'm sorry, but Kim Kardashian did get famous for making a sex tape.
We all know that.
That's not yours.
And stop breathing through your mouth.
It's really annoying.
I'm panting.
That's how I sweat, you dumb bitch.
No, it isn't.
Dogs sweat through their paws.
You're such a know-it-all, Brian, you don't even know about your own body.
At least I've had an orgasm.
Wow, I am sorry.
Look, th-this isn't us.
This is just the no food and sleeping in a car talking.
We can make this work, like couples who meet on Craigslist.
BOTH: You're not what you look like in your picture.
Let's get this over with.
I wonder which one of us is the murderer? Okay, we ditch this stuff in the day room, and then I'm done with my volunteer hours and we never come back here again.
Parkhurst? Look at you two, stealing from the elderly.
You're worse than that Juliette Lewis who makes out with dogs.
Wait, is that a real thing? Where did you hear that? What are your sources? Listen, we're very sorry we stole from you, but you have it all back now, so we cool, right? You know I should call the police on you.
The police?! Or maybe, instead, we do things my way.
What's that? You will spend time with us every afternoon after school, doing jigsaw puzzles, reading us the newspaper, listening to poorly remembered stories that have no point.
You monster.
Sit down.
Now I feel some dementia coming.
Feed me pudding while I grip your wrist in terror.
Ah, this isn't my house.
See, if I make under 20 grand for 20 years, my film school debt just goes away.
That's a government rule.
(bell jingles) Bonnie? Joe? How did you find me? Love is a powerful compass.
Any time I quiet my mind and clear my heart, it always leads me to you.
Plus, dirtbag here has a chip in his ear.
I do? Damn it.
No wonder Peter's so good at hide-and-seek.
You're under the canoe in Quagmire's yard.
BRIAN: Son of a bitch! Bonnie, I understand now why you left.
Over the years, I probably have become too dependent on you, and I'm sorry if you've had to put your dreams on hold because of me.
Oh, Joe.
But I'm here to fight for you, Bonnie.
And if you're willing to come back home, I promise I'll spend the rest of my days taking care of you, just the way you've always taken care of me.
Of course, I want to come home, Joe.
I love you.
(moaning) Wow, I guess just call me Cupid, huh? You're welcome.
Ow! Damn it! (groaning) Hey, Bri, came to try that apple pie you were texting about.
Oh, you're shot.
Well, Chris and I sure learned a lot this week.
Ha, you think you learned a lot.
I had quite an adventure.
You know what guys? We only got like 15 seconds left.
We're going to have to do these at the same time.
Let's race.
And go.
So Chris and I learned that just 'cause people are old, that doesn't mean you should steal from them.
Bonnie didn't let you stir the paint, did she? No.
But I am done messing around with neighbors' wives.
Here's an invitation to Donna's birthday party.
'Cause maybe then I'd like it.
Hey, let me see that.
You rascal.
Same old Meg.
And the winner is: Nobody.
Especially not you.
Good night.