Family Guy s14e20 Episode Script

Road to India

1 Family Guy 14x20 Road to India (instrumental Indian-style version of theme song playing) @elderman What are you doing over there? I'm on hold with tech support.
My computer locked up right in the middle of this story I'm working on.
God, even Microsoft Word hates your writing.
WOMAN (Indian accent): Thank you for holding.
How can I help you? Well, for starters, you can keep talking with that lovely accent.
One second of a stranger's voice on a phone and you've got full Bollywood.
I I assume she's in India.
Your friend is correct.
I am in India.
But you sound like a perfect gentleman to me.
My name is Padma.
That was my mother's name.
(sighs) I'm gonna get an English muffin.
So what seems to be the problem? Well, one problem I have is that I have too much money.
(chuckles) Then why don't you just buy a new computer? What? I-I (chuckles) Oh, I'm just bursting your balls.
(laughing): Oh! Well, you're a feisty one.
(chuckles) Uh, actually, my computer froze right in the middle of a story I'm writing.
Oh, you are a writer? Are you famous? By choice, no.
Sometimes fame brings a lot of unwanted attention.
I mean, look at William Shakespeare.
William Shakespeare.
Nice collar, you fruit.
Thank ye.
Hey, Shakespeare.
What's the title of your next play? You should call it Homosexual Collar Guy.
Ah, thy japes and jabs cut me to the quick, squire.
What does that even mean? I know.
It means, "I use this collar as a bib for when I service guys.
" Thank ye, thank ye.
So, how'd you like the collar? 'Tis not for me.
(knocking on door) Huh, there's no one there.
Must have been some kids knocking.
Down here, Lois.
Oh, for God's sake, Joe.
Can't you put a tall flag on the back of your chair or something? I apologize for the difficulty my paralysis causes you.
Hey, Peter.
Good news.
Bonnie's out of town, so I have an extra ticket for Tuesday night bingo down at the Allendale Mill.
Why the hell would I want to go to bingo? Oh, it's a blast.
There's the thrill of the game, people bring snacks, plus you'll hear some pretty unfiltered opinions about those jokers in Washington.
Yeah, that sounds perfectly terrible.
You know what, Joe? Peter would love to go with you.
What?! Terrific.
I'll pick you up at 6:00.
What'd you do that for?! Peter, he's your friend.
Who knows? It might be fun.
(sighs) All right, I'll go.
But I'm not happy.
You know how much I hate being told what to do.
(toilet flushes) You know, Padma, I love Indian food.
But I'd have to say my least favorite curry is Ann.
(chuckles) She's she's a newscaster here.
I I wish I could have slipped that in earlier.
PADMA: Oh, no, I know her.
She's internationally despised.
So, are you done rebooting? Look, (sighs) uh, I have to come clean.
Um, my computer wasn't actually broken this time.
Uh, I just wanted to talk to you again.
I like talking to you, too, Brian.
Oh, hey, is that Padma from tech support again? Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Oh, cool.
Ask her a question for me.
How come over there they just talk on the phone, and over here they're all doctors? Get out of here.
Lois said you're supposed to sit on the potty for one hour straight.
I'm taking a break.
I got bored.
And you've been on the phone for more than an hour.
I'm sorry.
Can you give me a sec? Look, I know it's crazy, but I honestly feel a connection to this woman.
More than I have to anyone in a long time.
That's nice, Brian, but you're from different worlds.
She's in India.
That's a lot to overcome.
People in love can overcome anything.
I guess you're right.
I mean, look at Jeb Bush and his wife.
Honey, do you think I'll ever be president? No, no, no.
Stewie! What? It's just a joke.
Yeah, but come on.
Look it up, man.
Google her.
I know what she looks like.
Oh, I see you came with the Big Cheese.
What? You? You're the Big Cheese? I usually bring a variety wheel of Laughing Cow cheese.
(laughing): Laughing Cow! That's got to be a happy farm, right? (laughing) Oh, you just must be cracking up all the time hanging out with this one.
Look, ma'am, I don't know what signals Joe is sending out, but I'm married.
Hey, and you're already on the board.
You're a natural at this.
Oh, and fair warning, when they call O-69, I say, "Oh, my! Ooh-la-la!" (laughs) Yeah, really funny, Joe.
Or-or how about this one? "Oh my God, I want to kill myself right now.
" All right, I got to get through this.
I'm just gonna go to my happy place.
Go to your happy place, Peter.
PETER: Oh, and you're wearing the necklace I gave you.
Well, if I were you, I'd sure be excited.
You're only one number away from having a bingo.
I am? What, you mean if they call CALLER: O-74.
(gasps) Bingo! You were right, Joe, this is awesome.
I've never won anything.
Well, except for when I won that "Tori Spelling Bee.
" Peter, your word is "equine.
" ANNOUNCER: Peter reached this round by accurately spelling "collagen," "repulsive" and "botched.
" God, I can't believe you're still at work, Padma.
It's, like, 2:00 in the morning.
PADMA: No, it is noon here.
Do you not know about time zones? Oh, uh, yeah, oh, that's right.
You guys are on metric.
Oh, you're in here? Yeah, I'm on the phone.
Is, uh, is Chris down in the laundry room? Yeah, I think so.
(sighs) Okay, looks like this is gonna be a stander-upper in the garage.
Uh-oh, six percent.
Better hustle.
It's so nice to talk to you, Brian.
You make me feel wonderful.
God, if only you weren't so far away.
I wish I could just somehow magically appear there and meet you in person.
Oh, Brian, that would be like a dream.
Okay, I should go.
I have 11,000 people on hold.
Good-bye, Padma.
What the hell's going on? Somebody's screaming in the garage.
Why are you still up? Because I'm in love.
Oh, with that Indian chick? What was her name? Dot? No, it's not Dot, it's Padma.
And I have to be with her.
Stewie, I'm going to India.
(gasps) Oh, my God, I'm going with you.
My yoga class will be so jealous.
Hey, everyone, the guy I told you about, Brian, he's taking me to India! (squealing) Oh, my God! (Indian music playing) We finally made it, Brian.
We're in India.
Excuse me, man with no pupil, where can we get a taxicab around here? All right, let's do it, Stewie.
Let's go find Padma.
Shouldn't be hard in this dreamy land of wonder.
I can already smell the enlightenment and tranquility.
(inhales) (indistinct chatter) (coughing) This is wonderful, isn't it, Brian? It's so tranquil, I'm tearing up.
Come on, I think I see a cab with less than nine people in it.
All right, it's winning time.
Let's get this show on the road.
After all, it's not called "bing-stop," it's called "bing-go!" (laughing) That's very clever.
Yeah, and, uh uh, maybe if I win, I'll yell, "bing-Joe.
" Don't force it, Joe.
Yeah, be quiet, Joe.
Me and the gang are trying to hear our numbers.
"You" and the gang? I'm the one who brought you here.
Yeah, well, you know something? The Mayflower also brought fungus, which then became the Potato Famine.
What the hell are you talking about? I don't know, I've had, like, four Ensures.
I'm out of my mind.
Peter, I brought you here to have fun, not take over.
Look, Joe, I'm a little busy right now, so I'm gonna have the Somali pirate from Captain Phillips tell you something.
Joe, look at me.
Look at me.
He is the bingo captain now.
I tell you, I love it here, Brian.
The sounds, the colors.
You know, this is where the Beatles came to ruin their music.
Yeah, yeah, that's great.
Anyway, Padma works in Bangalore, so we got to hurry and catch the train.
(sighs) Can't believe we're really in India.
Oh, look over there.
There's cute little kids are playing Cowboys and Indians and Indians.
I'm gonna shoot you with my six-gun.
I'm gonna shoot you with my bow and arrow.
I'm just going to stand here wearing a shirt that appears to be a jacket.
Do you think all those chickens had to buy tickets? I don't know, but I'm starving.
What I wouldn't give right now for a big juicy steak.
How dare you? To us, cows are sacred! That's right, you are disrespecting our entire culture.
And why did Wes Anderson come here to make his worst movie? Stewie, what do we do? Quick, hit the red buttons! Wow, that came in handy.
Now let's get out of here.
Let's see what their wieners look like.
Yeah, no, let's get out of here.
Okay, I'm off to bingo.
Peter, what are you wearing? Oh, you mean my bingo cape? That's our holiday tablecloth.
I'm sorry, Lois, but my people have come to expect a certain degree of pageantry.
Don't wait up.
We may go to Denny's.
Is Joe going with you? Oh, "Crybaby Joe"? Nah, he doesn't come anymore.
I think he resents my skill.
Peter, bingo was Joe's favorite thing.
Now, you go over there and take him with you, or I don't want you going at all.
Hey, hey, hey, don't try to take this away from me.
This is the only thing I've ever been good at.
Well, this and timing my farts to a thunderstorm.
Why don't we all go ahead and turn to page six in the handout? (thunder crashes) Ah The first thing you're gonna notice is a bar graph.
And what that is is to indicate our international sales, (thunder crashes) which peaked, of course, - Oh, yeah.
during the last quarter.
But now we're expecting that to drop off as we enter the colder weather.
(farts) (thunder crashes) The storm's moving away.
(horn honking) (indistinct chatter) (flies buzzing) We made it! This is where Padma works! I feel like I owe every bus in America an apology.
So, we haven't discussed what you're going to do if she's a pig.
She's already beautiful to me.
And you know, we'll see.
(indistinct chatter) My God, how you gonna find her? There are hundreds of people in here.
Don't worry, I thought of that.
PADMA: Thank you for calling tech support.
How can I help you? I'll tell you how.
Stand on your desk.
Brian? Padma, just do it.
Oh, boy.
Are you Padma? No, I am Ranita.
There is a python in my cube.
Brian? Padma! I can't believe this! Why are you here? Because I was having a technical issue with my heart.
Ugh, 16 hours on a plane, and that's what you came up with? I am touched you came all this way to see me.
I'm so glad I did.
You're even more beautiful than I imagined.
Well, I have to admit you two do make a cute couple.
But then again, so did Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.
Do you take this woman to lecture you about trans fats for as long as you both shall live? I do.
And do you take this man to be a watered-down Bono until death do you part? I do.
I now pronounce you pretentious and terrible.
You may name your daughter after a fruit.
(animals bleating) (indistinct chatter) So, this is my town.
I have lived here my whole life.
Well, if you were born here, then it must be a magical place.
Yes, let's go get sandwiches at that New Delhi I keep hearing about.
(plays two rimshots) Thanks, Ganesha.
I am so happy that you are here.
In fact, my family is having a big party tonight.
You must both come as my guests.
Oh, an Indian party! I hope they play that one song with the shrieking, nasal, atonal woman over the bongos and tambourines.
(woman singing atonally) You seem nervous.
Are you worried about meeting Padma's family? Yeah.
Well, that, and this is always what it looks like on Homeland right before there's a drone strike.
Oh, my, you both look so elegant.
Thanks, I did a little shopping today.
Not me.
Mine is actually an Aladdin costume from last Halloween.
I never travel without it.
(dinging) Family, guests, and monkeys who have wandered in to steal fruit, it is my honor to welcome you to this engagement celebration.
Oh, "engagement"? So, who's getting married? I am.
What?! Padma, my beloved daughter.
Dhiraj, my future son-in-law.
Please, come and meet one another.
Welp, that's a Punjab to the figs.
Where's the bar? Everyone, you are all so kind to come tonight, and it is so nice to meet you, Dhiraj.
But something happened today, and I can no longer marry you.
Padma, what is it? My true love is here tonight.
He has come to me all the way from America.
His name is Brian Griffin.
And my heart belongs to him.
(all gasp) Quick, everyone's looking at the dog! Go, go, go! Padma, you cannot call off the wedding! I have already paid a large dowry to Dhiraj's family! But it would be wrong to marry someone I do not love.
The one I love is Brian.
Sir, what if I were to repay you for all you've spent? Would Padma then be free to marry whoever she wanted? (gasps) Brian! You would do that? Yes.
I love you, Padma, and-and I'd do anything to be with you.
I suppose that might be possible.
Great, just give me a chance to raise the money, so I can marry your daughter and make her happy.
Oh, so you don't have the money? He's holding onto an Applebee's gift card with $1.
62 on it.
I do not know Applebee's.
Is it like our Colonel Chutney's? Does Colonel Chutney's make you sick? Not every time.
Then, no, it's very different.
I mean, my wife and I have never said the words "open marriage," but Oh, hey, Lois! Peter, it's time to come home and give Joe back his stupid little activity.
I appreciate that, Lois.
First of all, this is my favorite thing in the world now, so no.
And second of all, we're about to play a new round, so start taking your pants off, 'cause when I win, I want you ready.
Peter, if it wasn't for Joe, you wouldn't know about bingo anyway.
This meant everything to him, and you've taken it away.
As a friend, do the right thing and give Joe back the happiness he found here.
(sad music playing) Joe, gag on my fat dauber.
Damn it, I didn't want to have to do this, but you've left me no choice! Kids, get in here! Yay! Time with Dad! That's a bingo for me! All right, how do you play? "Free space"?! Wow! What's that about?! I call I sit next to Dad! (sighs) All right, forget this.
Let's all go home and each do our own individual media things.
(Indian music playing) (indistinct chatter) Stewie, I don't think this is gonna work.
We're never gonna raise enough money to pay back Padma's father.
Trust me, Brian, there are a billion people here, and almost every one of them has a tapeworm.
Yes, excuse me, I have a tapeworm.
All right, very good.
Lie down on your stomach.
This won't hurt a bit.
Hey, how are you guys? Oh, you're a lady.
And you sound American.
How long have you been in there? I originally just came for my junior year, but I fell in love with the place.
Stewie, there's no way I'm sitting here all day watching tapeworms come out of butts.
I'm doomed.
I'll never be able to pay for Padma's dowry.
I don't understand.
In movies, everything in India always turns out great.
Julia Roberts ate or loved or prayed or something.
I don't, I don't know.
I didn't see it.
Wait a minute! Movies about India.
I know how I can make the money! Who wants to be a millionaire? Our next contestant comes all the way from America! Brian Griffin! What brings you to India, Brian? I'll tell you what brought me.
True love.
STEWIE: He's breaking up a marriage! All right, let's get started.
First question-- "Which retired Indian cricketer "has scored over 18,000 runs in ODI competition?" Um, O? Wha? O-ODI? What? Is it A) Anil Kumble, B) Mahendra Singh Dhoni, C) Sachin Tendulkar, or D) Jiminy Cricket? Well, I know, I know it's not Jiminy Cricket.
Unless Jiminy's based on a real person.
I need an answer.
You know, the more I say it, the more it does sound Indian.
(Indian accent): Jiminy Cricket.
D) Jiminy Cricket, final answer.
I'm sorry, that is incorrect.
Thank you for playing! We'll be right back after this message from the Indian Census Bureau.
Too many people! Stop with the people! Padma, I'm sorry.
I still haven't raised the money.
But I'm working on it.
There is no longer a need.
My father has solved the problem by promising Dhiraj the hand of my younger sister.
Oh, Padma, I meant to ask you, are there, like, Bengal tigers just running loose in the cities? I don't know.
In America, are there annoying talking babies always interrupting? Okay, it's been a long trip.
Let's not say anything we're gonna regret.
Wait a minute, so if, if Dhiraj is marrying your sister, that means we can be together! Actually, about that.
I think watching you try to answer that question out there, I realized something.
You know nothing of my country or my culture.
Well, tha-that was a really tough question.
No, it wasn't.
Everyone in India knows who Sachin Tendulkar is.
Brian, I am deeply touched that you came all this way to find me, but the truth is, you and I have very little in common.
Well, I could learn! I mean, I mean, there's got to be an old Carmen Sandiego episode on India or something.
STEWIE: Brian, Brian, punt, punt.
I know you would try, Brian.
But when I look inside myself, I realize I do not want to marry you.
Mostly, I just did not want to marry Dhiraj.
I am so sorry.
Have I answered all of your questions to your satisfaction? No! I came halfway around the world for you! You said I was your true love! Well, by coming here, you saved me from a lifetime of unhappiness.
And I will always love you for that.
Good-bye, Brian.
A peck on the cheek? Was that worth an $8,000 coach ticket? You know what? It's about the journey, not the destination.
No, it's not.
This sucked and you failed.
Story over! Bollywood! When you least expect you'll find magic in your life What the? What the hell is this? Oh, in India it's traditional to do a final musical curtain call over the end credits.
Brian came so far, but he never found a wife Ho-ho Big show Ho-ho Time to go This is kind of weird.
Come on, Brian, just surrender to it.
Hey, I was in the episode, too! Bing-go! And I'm Joe Joe is the captain again! All right, I'll give it a shot.
Well, I came across the world For a very special girl (Brian screaming) Eyes forward, finish the number.
Ranita, finish the number! @elderman