Family Guy s15e04 Episode Script

Inside Family Guy

1 TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Doctor Who Farted.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING) Doctor, the alien attack has begun! We've got to return to the 21st century! Uh we can't go into the time machine right now.
But they're going to kill us all! All right, all right, just one second.
So, how was your weekend? I-Is, is it your line? I don't Uh, no, I don't think so.
I'm-I'm sorry, whose line is it? Cut! (BELL RINGING) That was Peter's line.
Where's Peter? Sorry, I was in my trailer eating fancy nuts and smoking.
(SIGHS) All right, everybody, take five.
Okay, I'll be in my dressing room playing online poker.
That's me asking for help.
Hi, I'm James Woods.
You might know me from banging your niece on a pile of your brother's pool equipment.
Or from Salvador.
But tonight, I'm here to take you behind the scenes on the set of Family Guy.
For the first time ever, you'll see what a typical production week is like for TV's 11th favorite family.
So please join me as we go Inside Family Guy.
(INSTRUMENTAL FAMILY GUY THEME SONG PLAYS) It's certainly not easy being a family that also happens to star in a sitcom together.
Especially last year, when I discovered those naked pictures of that 18-year-old intern on Peter's phone.
But he explained that his phone number was the old number of-of her ex-boyfriend, so what was it again? Oh, the Cloud, that's right.
So the photos were on the Cloud, and that the-the Cloud pulled the pictures or? I mean, even if the pictures had not been sent directly to him, and that's why he has them.
And-and we both called the Apple store, and they said they can't disprove that it doesn't happen, so here we are, still married, still on the show.
A-And it's happened five times since then, and some of the pictures had both Peter and the girl in them.
Being on this show reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Macbeth.
WOODS: What's the quote? (CHUCKLES) Whoa! I didn't realize this was a trial.
Objection, Your Honor.
Oh, yeah, it's great, you know, doing a show with your family.
'Cause what guy doesn't want to go to his office and have his family there? You know, and then you go home after work and catch up with the family.
- And then, uh, - next day, same thing.
Just trying to make it to the weekend, so you can, uh spend some time with the family.
Isn't that the dream? WOODS: Now, I-I understand the show was quite different when it started.
Yeah, in the original pilot, I was actually the star.
It was called, CHRIS GRIFFIN: Teen Doctor.
Sir, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Well, it can't be any worse than what's in here.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) I ad-libbed that line.
I wasn't even supposed to talk.
What they didn't know is that I'd been privately doing jokes about the newspaper for years.
But, you know, it's not just the Griffins who work hard to make Family Guy what it is.
Here in the props department, some sweaty guy is working on the Petercopter.
That's right.
You know, a lot of people don't realize SEAL Team Six actually completed their mission in this puppy.
Oh, cool, Family Guy! Over here! I'm down here! Knock-knock? Yeah? Hi, Stewie.
Hey, I was just showing the viewers around Family Guy, and we thought we'd drop in and talk to you about the show.
You want to talk about the show? I'll talk about the show.
The show sucks.
The only reason I stay here is to maintain my profile for my start-up business, DiscreetCrepe.
com.
Hi.
Are you a straight, adult male who likes to eat crepes without people making unwanted assumptions about your private life? Go to DiscreetCrepe.
com, place your order, and within 30 minutes (DOORBELL RINGS) Very masculine pizza delivery for Stewie Griffin? Oh, thank you.
Mmm, strawberry-banana Nutella with raspberry drizzle! Now I just need a guy's butt to eat this off of, and I got myself a night.
But of course, every episode of Family Guy starts with the writing.
And here we are the Family Guy writers' room where the writers are hard at work with the show's talented cast.
Look, don't get me wrong, guys, I-I think it's hilarious, and-and I totally get that the sex thing is what made me popular, but would it kill us to just once tell a joke that brings glory to God? Eight years ago, Glenn opened a restaurant where he was spying on ladies peeing in the bathroom.
As part of the class-action settlement, he entered rehab, and that's where he found Jesus.
The restaurant was called Sprinklers.
That should've been a tip-off.
He still runs Dumpy's, but I'm pretty sure that one's legit.
WOODS: As the star of the show, Peter likes to stay involved in the writing process.
All right, butthorns, which one of you idiots wrote this script? Uh, I did.
Oh, what'd you write it, like, on a computer? Yeah.
So you know a lot about computers? Yeah.
Can you show me how to turn off the flashlight on my phone? (BEEPS) Don't touch my phone! And another thing, I read this piece of garbage script.
It's only one page.
That's never gonna cut it.
Uh, that's just the cover.
You can turn the page, like this.
Well, why you hiding all these pages behind the first page?! What's wrong with them?! Stand by your work or get out! Now, spit in each other's mouths.
(WRITERS SPITTING) You know I'm only tough on you 'cause I hate you, right? Yeah, over the years, Peter's become just a total nightmare.
I mean, you know, he's not Jim Belushi.
He's not peeing in Snapple bottles on set, which is, like, a totally real thing.
But he-he's-he's pretty bad.
Dad refuses to interact with any actors on set.
He'll only rehearse with helium balloons with crudely drawn faces on them.
I'm sorry, Meg, but you're grounded.
MEG: But, Dad, the prom is tonight.
Over.
(STATIC CRACKLES) LOIS: You heard your father, Meg.
Over.
(STATIC CRACKLES) (KNOCKING) JOE: Peter, you ready to hit the Drunken Clam? Over.
(STATIC CRACKLES) It's difficult having to give up my chair for the balloon.
But that's the business we call "show.
" Excuse me, Joe.
The Fat Man's behavior has been deteriorating for quite some time.
And I think someone may have placed an anonymous phone call to the network about it.
STEWIE (FALSETTO): Word around the stage is they've decided to finally fire Peter and replace him with another actor.
And this time, it's permanent.
Not like when we killed off Brian for a few episodes, so he could shoot that crappy movie what was it? It was a remake of Old Yeller where the dog gets the drop on him and kills him first.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
(GRUNTING) They miscalculated the number of dogs who buy movie tickets.
It's actually pretty awkward.
I mean, Dad's the only one in the whole production who doesn't know he's being fired.
But he'll find out tomorrow at the table read.
This is how we did that.
Bet you didn't know.
(LOW, INDISTINCT CHATTER) The table read is where the Family Guy cast reads aloud that week's script to see how the story and the jokes are working.
And where Peter will learn he's being written off the show.
Okay, everybody, welcome to the table read for this week's episode, entitled, "Peter Dies (We're Really Serious, No Joke, He's Dead and Never Coming Back).
" Oh, and there's other pages.
You got to turn them.
Here, let me show you.
"Interior, Griffins' living room, day.
"Brian, Meg and Chris watch TV.
Lois enters, upset.
" You guys, I have terrible news! Your father is dead.
He was shot in the head while killing himself.
I suppose he had his demons.
And his enemies.
Wait, I'm I'm what? Oh-oh, I know.
Stewie's gonna fire up his time machine and undo this.
DIRECTOR: "Stewie enters.
" Brian, bad news.
My time machine got a virus that causes Dad to die again if it's ever used.
Oh, wait, you know what? I-I bet this is all Chris' dream.
Wow, I am wide awake! Okay, but there's no way this is real.
They'd have to bring in someone to replace me.
"Uncle Ricky, played by sitcom buzzard David Spade, enters.
" Hi, everybody.
ALL: Uncle Ricky! Hey guys, a time period called.
They want an object back.
(LAUGHTER) Aw, do we have to go to Dad's funeral? Let's just play with Uncle Ricky instead.
"The family cheers.
They do not miss Peter.
" I'm sorry, Peter, but the production just can't deal with all your nonsense anymore.
We're letting you go.
Oh, please, don't do this! I'm begging you, just give me one more chance! (SIGHS) Okay, fine.
(BLEEP) All right, that's it, you're fired! And you guys are all okay with this?! I'm sorry, sweetheart.
This is painful for all of us, but we just don't see another option.
Yeah, Peter, we love you, and-and you're still part of the family, just not part of the show.
Look, I don't know who brought this on, but maybe it's for the best.
All right, fine, you bastards can fire me, but at least I'm leaving with my dignity.
Have a good life, Mr.
G.
Your penis is out.
Welcome back to Inside Family Guy.
I'm your host and angel investor to the Fappening, James Woods.
Boy, we picked quite a week to document the production of a Family Guy episode.
Yesterday, Peter Griffin was fired from the show and replaced by David Spade.
Given this surprising development, we decided to follow Peter, and see if our cameras could capture his story, as well.
We caught up with Peter at Hollywood's legendary Chateau Marmont Hotel, where I once engaged in the consensual murder of an underaged prostitute.
WOODS: So, what's your plan? Are you going to be staying here for awhile? Yeah, well, I figured if my family doesn't want me on the show, there's no reason I should keep living with them.
I-I mean, there's no hard feelings, um, I just feel like this is best for me, and this is best for those cancerous dicks.
And what's next for Peter Griffin? Well, starting tomorrow, I'm getting back out there.
I already got an audition to be the caring dad for a Cheerios commercial.
Hey, Dad? Yeah, bud? When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? Well, I wanted to be a rock star.
Why didn't you become one? 'Cause of you, bud.
I smiled at one girl in a cell phone store, and now here I am, stuck eating cereal for dinner with a kid.
You'll always be a rock star to me, Dad.
You ruined my life.
I'm going to bed.
(FUNKY BASS MUSIC PLAYS) Wednesdays are rehearsal days here at Family Guy and the first rehearsal with David Spade appears to be going very well.
"Uncle Ricky, what are all these strippers doing in our house?" "Uh each other?" Hmm? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God! (LAUGHING): I'm sorry, I just (LAUGHS) Did you see the way he smirked? He's like a naughty 53-year-old boy.
Who is this guy? I'm not familiar with him.
That's David Spade from Just Shoot Me! I don't know that one.
He was in Grown Ups, Joe Dirt, Saturday Night Live.
Saturday what how? And he was also in some movie called Senseless.
With Marlon Wayans? Oh, yeah, he played Scott Thorpe.
Donna, I'm here with Scott Thorpe.
That's right, from Senseless.
Yeah, I got to be honest, I'm having a blast.
You know, now that I'm not tied down by the show, it's given me more time to pursue my true passion: weaving sexually explicit tapestries featuring the Minions.
Did you have any questions about the artist? Thursdays at Family Guy are reserved for shooting all those flashbacks and cutaway gags we love so much, and what most people don't know is that all these gags are directed by James Cameron.
What's that? I'm sorry.
(CHUCKLES) Apparently, I misread the cue card.
They're directed by James, the cameraman.
Tell us, how'd you get the gig? I sell Vicodin to some of the producers.
What a wonderful Hollywood story.
You know, many viewers think our cutaways are just whipped together, but they actually go through a rigorous testing process before filming.
This is the planet Jew-piter, and he could say, "Next year is my star mitzvah.
" (LAUGHS) They love it.
Tell the director.
Where is he? It says don't take it with alcohol, but you should take it with alcohol.
Yeah, duh.
I also need a couple for the girl I'm babysitting.
Meanwhile, David Spade is making lots of friends on set.
Yeah, I'll definitely talk to the writers.
I agree, there's a lot about your character that's still untapped.
Okay, thank you, because, like, yes, I'm greased-up and, yes, I'm deaf, but what else am I? Totally.
Thanks, man.
DIRECTOR: Okay, we're ready for you.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): I'll be right there.
Who's the new kid? Hot-chee-wawa! Unfortunately, things aren't going quite so well for Peter.
(PHONE RINGS) Yeah, it's an '09, fully loaded, extra cool A/C.
Great.
I just made $500 flipping a Honda.
All I did was Armor-All the dash.
Boom.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Hey, any mail for me? Yes, your death threats to Grimace have all been returned.
Well, has the Shamrock Shake period been extended? I believe that's still seasonal, but while I have you, your bill remains unpaid, and we saw you selling our robes on eBay.
I'm afraid we're evicting you from the hotel.
What's your home address? I'm sorry, sir.
Now do you want to leave the regular way, or do you want our Uncle Phil to throw you out? I think you know what I want.
(SHOUTS) (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) (DISTANT SIREN WAILING) (HINGES CREAKING) Door was unlocked.
I'm sure that's fine.
Well, this seems like a really cheery place, and looks like some guy named Brooks was here, and I think this is gonna work out just great.
WOODS: You don't miss your show or your family at all? Of course I miss my family but everything comes to an end eventually, a-and you just you just got to keep moving forward.
Are you gonna be all right? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I-in fact, I was just about to melt some cheese on chips if you want to stay for a sad, single guy dinner.
You going oven or microwave? Uh, microwave.
I don't know how to turn on the oven.
Those, uh, chips are gonna be chewy, Peter.
Friday night is tape night here at Family Guy, but tonight they'll be filming the show without Peter Griffin.
I have to admit, it's a little strange taping a show without Peter.
It-it just doesn't feel right.
I'm especially going to miss the Fat Man's bit with the audience where he fires the T-shirt cannon at his own head.
You know he once tried to hold up a store with that thing? (BELL JINGLES) All right, everybody on the floor.
Empty the register.
Please, don't do this! Oh, yeah? You want to be a hero? Here's what happens to heroes.
Anybody else want to be a hero? Ooh, me, me, me! Over here! Over here! And with regard to Peter's replacement, well, as his parents and previous co-stars have learned, a little of David Spade goes a long way.
David, the line is, "What's for dinner?" Go again.
What's for dinner? Hmm? (SIGHS) Okay, we can trim that in editing.
He's getting on people's nerves.
I mean, there's only so many jars I can open for one man.
DAVID: Lois, I want pickles! Coming! He has tiny hands but when one of my rings went down the drain, he got it right out.
WOODS: Meanwhile, Peter has wound up here at the Chinese Theatre, where panhandlers dress up like iconic movie characters and charge tourists for photos.
It's even seedier than it sounds.
Step right up, get your picture taken with beloved comic icon, Little Lotta.
Just two dollars.
Who are you? Uh, Little Lotta? She was friends with Audrey and Dot.
Never heard of her.
(GROANS) (EXCITED CHATTERING, CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) That's it.
Screw this.
I am taking back my TV show and my family.
Ah, we just missed her.
Hey, Smitty, I'm here to get my show back.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Griffin, but we have specific orders not to let you onto the lot.
Seriously? Well, I suppose, you could come inside if you had an idea for a show the heads of the network wanted to buy.
Bumblr with a Tumblr.
So, you see, he's got a Tumblr account and he's clumsy.
We really like the idea that the words rhyme.
Absolutely, but just a thought: what if he doesn't bumble? Um I-I guess so.
And are we married to the Tumblr account? They bought the pitch, but, um, after a series of network notes, Bumblr with a Tumblr eventually aired as Bamblr with a Famblr, which made sense to nobody and is now in its third season.
It did also get me on the lot.
All right, stop the show! Dad! That's right, I'm back! And, Chris, I brought you a T-shirt of Kermit the Frog acting like a hip-hop guy.
That's so dope.
Don't put it on.
It'll fall apart, but listen, everybody, I realized something.
I've been a real jerk to you guys, and to all the union fat asses that I assume do something to keep this thing going.
The fact is, I got too big for my britches, but I know now that I'm nothing without all of you.
Aw, that's nice of you to say.
Thank you, Stewie, who I can understand, and if you guys can find it in your hearts to take me back, well, then I promise that every day I'll prove to you how much the show, and how much my family, means to me.
Oh, Peter.
Of course we'll take you back.
Oh, welcome back, buddy.
We missed you so much.
My online poker problem is burning like a wildfire.
Well, there's only one problem.
What's that? What are we gonna do about David Spade? Don't worry, I already took care of that.
I got Sofía Vergara deported.
Hey, everyone, cuchi, cuchi.
I'm your mother now.
So, all right, let's do a show.
Oh, wait, if my character's still alive, that means we don't have a script to shoot.
Oh, look at this.
We just happen to have a whole extra script right here.
"Pete, Don't Fail Me Now.
" (GASPS) Sounds like I might be a teacher.
Oh, I have a goatee up till the first commercial, and then I'm a teacher.
Every week, Peter becomes a diva so the writers write a fake script, killing him off.
He storms out, then by Friday's taping, comes crawling back, and we shoot the real script.
Of course, he always forgets by Monday, and then he becomes a pain in the ass again.
Does it bother me that he does this every week? Uh, why don't you ask my Camaro? WOODS: So, I guess this actually was a very typical week on the set of Family Guy.
Thanks for joining us.
I'm James Woods, and we'll close tonight with a supercut of every time in the show's history that Peter got hit in the crotch with a bag of nickels.
Ow! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) Damn it.
Oh! (ALL LAUGHING) Why?! Hey, Lois, you should do that thing that I like (SHOUTS) Hey, kids, have you seen my wallet? Oh, nickels! Son of a bitch! PETER: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, we have now reached our cruising Ah, damn it! Boy, can't beat this weather (SHOUTS) Who is that kid? (GRUNTS) Hello? Uh, hang on, I'll check.
Phone call for "a bag of nickels"? (SHOUTS) (GROANS) At least he was alone.
They usually travel in threes.
Ow! Crap.
B-B-B-Bird, bird, bird, b-b-b-bird Ah, nickels! (SHOUTS) (GROANS) Oh, damn it! Do you think I'm ever gonna be able to have (GRUNTS) (LAUGHS) Ow!