Family Guy s15e19 Episode Script

Dearly Deported

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Ah, the water park.
Happy anniversary, Lois.
Everybody meet back here in six hours.
I can't wait to get everyone else's body water in my mouth.
Uh, where's the slide? Just eat this Starburst.
Wow, lemons, oranges, cherries.
- So juicy! - (THUD) I don't think that was a Starburst.
I think that may have just been acid.
Would you like to ride the Skittles rainbow now? Is it also acid? My friend, I'm an adult who works at a water park.
If I give you something, it's acid.
No going down headfirst, and wait till I say it's okay.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Hey! MEG: I'm gaining on you, Brian.
BRIAN: Meg, slow down.
You're coming way too fast.
Ew, Brian, what happened? (MUFFLED SPEECH): I don't know.
Hey, idiot, you got to wait till the guy says go.
Excuse me, do you think you can help me out? Sure, just let me do an awkward, extremely unattractive pool walk over to you.
(GRUNTING) (EXHALES): Hey, what's up? My top came off on the slide.
I think I may have seen you put it in your shorts.
Okay, well, here's my shorts.
Just fish out the one that's yours.
Thank you so much.
I'm Isabella.
I'm Chris.
Listen, my aunt is waiting for me, but it was nice to meet you, Chris.
You, too.
Enjoy the boobs of your morning.
Afternoon! Enjoy the boobs of your afternoon.
(LAUGHS) My word, Chris, that girl was totally into you.
You should ask her out.
Really? But what if she says no? Hey, if you want something, you've got to go for it.
Just like the fat man did when he changed his name.
I'm looking for a Peter Ferrari.
Obviously, that's me.
Yes, there's a soiled pair of Ferrari underwear in the men's room trash.
Who took 'em out of the sink? They were soaking.
Sir, I can't park this.
There's diarrhea all over the front seat of your PT Cruiser.
Isabella, listen, I'm not great at this, but (GRUNTS) Told you.
Also, I was wondering if there's any chance you'd maybe want to go out with me sometime.
Oh, Chris, that's sweet, but I don't think you'd want to go out with me.
- Why not? - It's just that, well, I have kids.
Oh, wow.
And a couple of cuties.
We got any teeth coming in? Oh, oh, I think I feel something.
Please, please don't do that.
Hey, your aunt is Consuela? Hi, Consuela.
- You two know each other? - Oh, yeah.
"Lemon Pledge," "No, no.
" All that stuff.
Is time to go.
Lemon Pledge, no, no.
(LAUGHS) See? But wait, Isabella, I don't care that you have kids.
I'd still like to go out with you.
Wow, that's really sweet, Chris.
Okay, you're on.
Here's my number.
Oh, boy, I haven't been this excited since our trip to Philadelphia.
MAN (OVER P.
A.
): Ladies and gentlemen, Flight 427 to Philadelphia has been canceled.
ALL: Yay! (SLURPING) I saw Lady and the Tramp, so I asked if we could eat spaghetti in the alley, but they said no, because of all the homeless masturbation.
Oh, I love that movie.
Chris, I'm having a really nice time with you.
You are? Listen, this is probably lame, but I learned a little bit of your language, and I just wanted to say What language is that? You're Korean, are you not? No, I'm Mexican.
(LAUGHING) Hey, Chris.
Where are you off to? Oh, Isabella's coming by, and we're gonna take the kids to the park.
Wow, you two are spending a lot of time together.
Uh, are you sure you want to date a girl who's had so much experience? What do you mean? Like, maybe she's got some city miles on her voo-voo.
Not to mention a couple of blowouts.
- (CHUCKLES): Hey, Bri - Yup, I heard you.
She's talking about her kids, Chris.
Oh, I don't care about that, Mom.
I just want to make sure you're not getting in over your head.
Well, I'm sure someone's already been in there deeper than that, Lois.
(CHUCKLES): Brian.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh, hello, Isabella.
Hi, Mrs.
Griffin, Mr.
Griffin.
Mr.
Griffin's up here, sweetheart.
Well, I guess you two have fun.
Okay, bye.
Look, I can see why you're concerned that Chris' girlfriend has kids, but he's happy, and she seems like she's into him.
Plus, she's she's hot.
Yeah, she is.
I bit my lip off.
(THUMP ON WINDOW) - (THUMP) - (SIGHS) - (THUMP) - Go away, Mr.
Herbert! HERBERT: It's not me.
I'm in your closet.
Isabella.
Is everything okay? Chris, I just wanted to say good-bye.
Wha-What do you mean? I found out that I'm going to be deported.
They're sending me back to Mexico in the morning.
So, in other words, this could have waited till the morning? I didn't want to leave without saying good-bye.
But they can't send you away.
There's got to be something we can do.
Unfortunately, there's not.
But don't worry, I'm planning on getting back into the country as soon as I can.
What are you gonna do, just leave the babies with Consuela? I wish I could, but she works seven days a week, between housekeeping and being the new CEO of Yahoo.
Maybe we should improve our business model.
No, no.
Improve our original content? No, no.
So we have no corporate identity? We secondary e-mail people use to sign up for porn sites.
So, are you taking your boys back with you? I guess I have no choice.
But I hate having to.
The whole reason I left Mexico was to give them a better life.
Well, I could take them until you get back.
I mean, I'm no expert at this sort of thing, but (GRUNTING) Wow, you're getting better at that.
But I can't ask you to take care of my children.
Isabella, I want to do this.
Chris, stop.
You would really look after my kids for me? Of course I would.
You're a wonderful man, Chris Griffin.
Thank you.
Gracias.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
Don't worry, I'm gonna take good care of you.
I'm gonna call you "Juan," and I'm gonna call you "Two.
" Good, he's been reading the book.
Uh, Dad, you're reading the paper upside down.
Wrong again, idiot.
Chris, what are you doing with Isabella's babies? And why are you holding them that way? You'll hurt them.
Where's Isabella? She got deported this morning.
Deported? A-And she just left her babies with you? Well, just until she can come back.
Chris, are you crazy? What makes you think you can take care of two babies? I don't know, I've seen her take care of them.
I see you with Stewie.
Frankly, it doesn't seem that hard.
You just shattered her world.
Shattered.
Absolutely not, Chris.
I will not allow this.
Look, I made a promise to Isabella, and I'm gonna keep it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, these two need to eat.
He bought a breast-feeding book.
Someone may want to pop in on him.
There's no way Chris is gonna be able to take care of two babies.
Well, maybe he should have thought of that before he opened his slut legs.
No, Peter, that's not Anyway, we got to call Child Services.
Lois, if you do that, Chris will resent you for the rest of his life.
Then what do you suggest we do? I say you let him try.
Trust me, one day of watching those kids, and he'll want them out of here.
(SIGHS) All right, fine.
Yes, taking care of kids is a 24-hour job.
Like when I worked at that all-night diner from that painting.
They kicked me out of the war for kissing a guy.
All right, guys, nothing but the best for you two, so I got you all-organic, non-GMO, no-hormone food.
That'll be $500.
Ah, well, sorry, kids.
Looks like we're gonna go to Jersey Mike's and hope that future science will save us.
Yay, we're jar people! Ah! Science, help! ANNOUNCER: Jersey Mike's.
Bring your girlfriend with the fat ass in here.
Hey, guys, how about a little TV? We can watch a baby thing together.
Baby Einstein, Muppet Babies.
Uh, what's CSI: Babies? - (BABIES CRYING) - STEWIE: What's this? They can't solve this crime, they're just frightened babies.
They don't even know it's a crime, they just know their parents aren't there.
They're scared, now I'm scared.
Turn this off! Aah, that's not what I want! Aah, I'm gonna go hide in my couch fort! Is CSI: Babies over yet? (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Oh, hello, Consuela.
You must be here for the twins.
No, no take babies.
I have good news and ay, ay, ay news.
Okay, give us the ay, ay, ay news first.
Isabella no can come back.
Stuck in Mexico.
The babies, they stay here.
What?! What's the good news? Good news is bus get new wiper blades.
No more "ee-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
" "Ee-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
" Well, these kids are not staying here.
You got to take them.
How can I take them when I was never here? Wow, she's like the Mexican David Blaine.
Wait, is David Blaine Mexican? He's something.
Peter, forget that.
What are we gonna do? Chris can't just be stuck with these babies.
Why not? I'm doing a great job.
I love Isabella and I love her kids.
Chris, you're living in a dreamland.
How are you gonna support two babies? I could just take some time off school and get a job.
No, absolutely not.
Well, now-now hold on, Lois, hold on, maybe Chris getting a job's not the worst idea.
I mean, I made pretty good money when I hosted that confusing game show.
All right, Phil, come stand by me, it's Ashley's turn.
Ashley, go ahead, pick an answer, find a question, spin the table, and remember, the clock is ticking backwards.
- I'll pass? - (BUZZER SOUND) Congrats, you win.
Sorry to see you go.
And, Phil, we'll see you tomorrow.
Well, that's all the time we have.
For those of you playing at home, why? And how? Audience? AUDIENCE: Why and how! Stop that! Forget it, I will not allow you to drop out of school.
If Isabella can't get here to take her kids back, we'll just have to bring them to her.
What? What do you mean? I mean we're going to Mexico so we can give these kids back to their mother.
Peter, back me up here.
Let's get those kids back to their mama.
(CLAP TWICE) Look how winded he is from doing that one spin.
(BREATHING HEAVILY): Your mother's right, Chris.
We're going to Mexico.
Oh.
I got to sit.
All right, we're off to Mexico.
If you kids are good, we'll bring you back a tangled marionette.
Is it gonna be a long trip, Dad? No, not too bad.
Especially since we're gonna do it to the wrong stock footage.
Boy, what a trip.
(CHICKEN CLUCKS) Chris, are you sure this is Isabella's village? - (GOAT BLEATS) - This place looks pretty rough.
Yeah, this is it.
Santa Terrible.
Look, there she is! Chris! What in the Mind of Mencia are you doing here? (GASPS) My babies! Isabella, I missed you so much.
Ay, Chris, I missed you, too.
Look, Isabella, you shouldn't be separated from your children, so we've brought them to you.
We wish you all the best.
Say good-bye, Chris.
Mom, we can't just leave them here.
This is no place for Isabella to raise a family.
(VARIOUS ANIMAL NOISES, SIREN CHIRPS) (HANDCUFFS CLICK) Oh, you're right, Chris.
I didn't want you to have to raise those babies yourself.
But as a mom, I don't know if I can in good conscience leave this family here.
We'll just have to smuggle her and her babies back in.
Well, no one's better at smuggling than El Chapo.
Maybe he can help us.
How are you gonna get El Chapo to help? It's easy.
All you got to do is say "dyed black eyebrows" into the wind, and he appears.
Dyed black eyebrows.
Can I help you? Peter Gallagher? Maybe I can help.
Mark Cuban? Oh, we're getting all the wrong eyebrow guys.
Mrs.
Griffin, you would take the risk of smuggling me and my children across the border? But you could be arrested.
I realize that, but you have just as much right to a decent life for your children as anyone else.
Now we just need a plan.
All right, what if we run! (COUGHS) Damn it, Peter! What about Quagmire? He could probably get his hands on a plane.
Lois, that's actually a great idea.
"Actually"? W-Why are you saying it like that? And Quagmire owes me a favor anyway, remember? Last time he went out of town, I sat on his eggs for him.
LOIS: Peter, it's time for lunch.
Sorry, Lois, can't leave the eggs till Quagmire gets back.
We're having sloppy joes.
Well, I guess I haven't seen that mongoose in a while.
LOIS: We're having sloppy joes.
Yeah, I heard.
Please say you got the onion bun We're having sloppy joes.
(GASPS) Mongoose! (GASPS) Mongeese! Hey, just a heads-up, my dad's friend, Mr.
Quagmire, is gonna say a lot of stuff to you, and it's all gonna be disgusting.
Hey, you must be Isabella.
I came as soon as I heard about you.
And then I got on my plane.
(CHUCKLES) All right.
MAN: Hold it right there! Uh-oh.
Somebody's coming.
N-Now, hold on, hold on.
I put my business card in a fishbowl at an El Torito.
This could be about that.
Policía! Put your hands up! Is this about the raffle for the free lunch? Does it have to be during the week, because I Aah! Wait a second, are we being arrested? We've done nothing wrong.
We're not arresting you.
We're taking your plane.
And, Javier, get their keys and take their SUV.
Ah, that stupid, fat guido.
No, Peter, that's the wrong racial slur.
No, I know, I was just thinking about Snooki.
(HAWK SCREECHES) Boy, I can't believe there'd be corrupt cops in Mexico.
Yeah, Donald Trump was right: his daughter is a hot piece of ass.
Uh, you guys, don't panic, but there's a couple of coyotes over there.
(SNARLING) Oh, like Coyote Ugly with Piper Perabo.
Peh I-is that it? Peh-Peh-ree Peh-ree-bow? Peh-Pera Pera-Pera-boo? Pera-boo? Say it with me.
Per-Per-a-bow.
Is that right? It's weird, but you remember.
You know? I guess I guess that's the point.
Do you think she's set for life? Peter, we're about to die! (SNARLS, GROWLS) No, my babies! Get out of here! You leave them alone! Ow! (GRUNTING) Ah! Chris! (GROANING) (CHRIS GRUNTS, COYOTE WHIMPERS) You guys, I've been bit! And it got away with my friendship bracelet.
You are a boy.
Chris, you saved my babies.
Oh, my God, Peter, we did nothing.
We're his parents and we did nothing.
I know, but, wow, did you see how Chris took care of those kids? Up till now, the only thing he could take care of was my traffic tickets.
- Name? - Uh, Peter Griffin.
Peter Griffin's here to surrender for his vehicular manslaughter.
What? No.
I'm a good boy! He is a good boy.
Oh, this is awful.
Chris is injured, and we're completely out of food and water.
I know.
I'm so thirsty, I'd be willing to drink anyone's pee.
Not-Not yours, Chris or Peter.
But, you know, you know, anyone.
Mom, Dad, thanks for trying to help.
You know, I just wanted to do the right thing, but now we're all gonna die.
Did-Did you gals hear my pee thing? (VEHICLE APPROACHES) Time for clean getaway.
- Consuela? - ¿Tía? Ay, thank God.
How did you find us? Babies' earring have chip.
Oh, well, this is great.
Can you help us get to the border? Oh, you already in United States.
We are? Yes, this Texas.
What? S-So, wait, so we walked right across the border and didn't even know it? That is a problem.
Right? I mean, politics aside, we can all agree, that is a problem.
Thanks for the ride, Consuela.
And thanks for talking us on that little detour to Dollywood.
Was I right, or was I right? Yep, totally worth the extra two days.
Look, Chris, I owe you an apology.
I didn't believe in you.
I was wrong to say you couldn't handle the responsibility of taking care of two kids.
Y-You risked your life for those babies.
Well, I didn't want them to get hurt.
That's right.
Because you care about them, just like you care about Isabella.
And if you want to continue to date her and be a part of those kids' lives, I'd be just fine with that.
Are you kidding? Screw that.
Looking after babies is a nightmare.
Oh, you have no idea.
You know how many times I had you kids in the oven, just daring myself to turn it on? Well, thanks for trusting me to figure it out for myself.
I love you, Mom.
I love you, too, sweetheart.
Isabella, being with you has been really great.
But I think I realized my mom was right.
I'm too young to be taking on this much responsibility.
I understand.
But I know someday you will make an incredible father.
Good-bye, Chris.
Good-bye, Isabella.
LOIS: Chris, time for dinner.
We're having sloppy joes.
Oh, boy! LOIS: We're having sloppy joes.
Yeah, I heard you.
Oh, dear God.
Oh, they're all dead.
No, please, no! (GUNSHOTS) LOIS: We're having sloppy joes.
We're having sloppy joes.
We're having sloppy joes.