Family Guy s16e04 Episode Script

Follow the Money

1 CARTER: "And so, for your birthday, Chris, I'm giving you this dollar bill.
Don't spend it all in one place.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, arrow.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Love, Grandpa.
" What a generous gift.
I know.
Isn't money great? Oh, it's the best.
And now to seal it with a wet cough.
(COUGHS) Well, I better get this dollar bill on its way.
(JAZZY INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF THEME SONG PLAYING) Ah.
You there, mailman.
Me? No, the other black guy in shorts.
Yes, you.
- Here.
- Well.
You, sir, are a racist and a rude one at that.
So, you're not a mailman? Okay, yes, I am a mailman, but these are my 1983 Maurice Cheeks shorts.
So, you're gonna deliver this card or what? Mm, fine, I will.
I took an oath.
If mail touches me, I have to deliver it.
(BELLS CHIMING) Sorry, it's my chimes.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Cleveland, come on in.
Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! What the hell's he doing?! Sorry, Cleveland, he wanted a surprise party and this is how he thinks it works.
Surprise! Surprise! Here you go, Chris.
I also have a fat, weird boy.
Would you like a hug? Yes.
Birthdays are the hardest.
Grandpa only gave me a dollar? Chris, you write him a thank-you note.
That will is still wide open.
Wow, a dollar.
29 more cents and I can buy "My Sharona" on iTunes.
Boy, that guy did not like sharing Sharonas.
Nobody will know 'cause it's in a coffee cup.
Wow, getting drunk in the morning.
Who are you, Hoda Kot-ba Hoda Ka-Ka-ba H-Kot Kathie Lee Gifford? Ah, come on, it's just an eye-opener.
Just a little hair of the me.
Spoken like a truly unfunny alcoholic.
You know, I bet you couldn't go a single day without booze.
(SCOFFS) One day? You're on.
How much you want to bet? I will bet you one dollar.
Thank you, I will take that and give you a spoon 'cause you're a dumb baby.
Hey! What the hell do you think you're ooh, a spoon! PETER: Okay, another car ride, another opportunity to practice my DJ ramp-ups.
Just got to navigate iTunes while merging onto the freeway.
(CAR HORN BLARES, TIRES SCREECH) (CARS CRASHING, HORNS HONKING) All right, "Two Princes.
" Here we go.
95.
5, WPET, you got Peter "The Riff" Griff, shockin' ya and rockin' ya while I'm sittin' here talkin' to ya.
It's 75 and sunny, which means our Street Squad's gonna be out looking for them Super Stickers.
If you don't got one, get down to Linoleum Depot this Saturday from 9:00 to 2:00.
I'll be there hooking you up.
Slap one on your car, win a hundred bucks.
Now, I'm looking around and I'm seeing the Spin Doctors with not one, but "Two Princes.
" Yeah - Nailed it.
- (MUSIC STOPS) Okay, time for second breakfast.
CLERK: Welcome to McBurgertown.
What can I get for you today? Hmm, what's the easiest thing to eat in the car? Um, I'll have the huevos rancheros and an orange soda without a cap.
That'll be $3.
74.
Awesome.
I can pay in change.
(TIRES SCREECH) Mmm.
I should visit the Southwest.
I know I'd love it.
Hey, you guys want to play a drinking game? - Fleek yeah! - Not really.
Well, there's this game where you try to toss a penny into a shot glass.
And if you miss, you got to drink? No, you just drink the whole time.
- Aw, sweet! - Fleekin' "A"! No more, Joe! Yeah, that sounds awesome.
Hey, anybody got a hundred pennies for a dollar? TOM: I do.
"American Red Cross"? Yeah.
I stole it from a dry cleaner who refused to put my picture up.
What do we have Oop, too young.
Too young, Tommy.
Can I get an iced coffee? Oh, no worries? All right, now, I see you've got large breasts.
In recognition of that, I'd like to tip you one dollar.
You know, even though you and Peter have your differences, I'm glad it hasn't affected our friendship.
Us redheads have to stay together, right? (BOTH LAUGH) So this is "stuck at work"? Honey, please.
Lois is a friend.
Really, Nicole, you got the wrong idea.
How does this bitch know my name? Bitch? Okay, ho.
Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this.
Come on, now, ladies.
(BOTH GRUNTING SOFTLY) Awesome.
A chick-chicken chick fight.
Ah, ha, ha.
Since you are my girlfriend and are hot, will you marry me so that I can bone you? As long as you can always throw a Nerf football over my truck with your strong arm.
You mean this arm? Oh! Ah, cripes.
Yeah, now there is no way.
Hey, a dollar! Neat! Maybe her knowing I have money will bring the moisture.
Janine, wait! I have a dollar! We could split a Mickey's Big Mouth! (TIRES SQUEALING) (HORNS HONK, PEDESTRIANS SCREAM) You gon' crash! (TIRES SCREECH) Ah, a parchment of value! What an event! You said it, friend.
The goddess of money has fisted our stocking.
(BOTH GROAN) (GRUNTS) Ho ho! Is many funny arms! So, the guy asks, "What's the name of the act?" And they say, "The Aristocrats.
" Ah, I didn't tell it right.
Hey, must be my lucky day! Perhaps I press my luck.
No Whammies, no Whammies, no Whammies, Big Bucks, Big Bucks, and stop! (FOGHORN BLOWS) (WHAMMY LAUGHS) Ah, rats.
Well, perhaps I press my luck with Meg.
Hey there, Meg.
I was wondering if you'd let me take you out for a feast of Indian food, followed by some blow-off-to-the-side curry burps? Oh, I-I can't tonight.
I, um, I have a date with a Whammy.
(WHAMMY LAUGHS) All right, well, if you're ever free, here's me number.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, hi, Chris.
But well, that's that's my line.
Hey, I came by to bring you a frame for that birthday dollar I gave you.
Hi, Meg.
What a disrespectful turd.
You brought a frame? Why would I frame a dollar? Chris, didn't you take a look at that dollar? It's an extremely rare misprint.
Benjamin Franklin and Washington are both on the front, posing back-to-back like an '80s sitcom.
Sorry, Grandpa, I lost that dollar.
You what?! We got to find that thing! I get the last joke before the commercial? (GASPS) Wow, this is a first.
Okay, okay a priest, a rabbi and a Frenchman walk into a bar NARRATOR: Family Guy will return after these messages.
- Last line! - NARRATOR: No, it isn't.
All right, Chris, if we're going to find that misprint dollar, we have to retrace your steps.
Now, where'd you go after your birthday party? Well, first I drank a Four Loko, and then I rode my bike down to the hair salon and shouted "Nope!" at all the women who came out.
Huh.
Call me next time you do that.
Hi, Meg.
Unbelievable.
Can I have a can of chaw and a fork? Do you need this phone number on here? Nah.
How long has that bike been out front? I don't know, a couple hours.
I'm gonna swipe that puppy.
All right, got some vodka and tampons.
Now to go ask Chris how they're doing this at the high school.
- Aha! - Stewie? Wh-What are you doing here? Busting you.
You were gonna drink that.
Technically, no.
Do you even hear yourself? Look, I'm gonna fix this.
I know a guy who's got pills that help stop addictions.
Ugh, fine.
All right, we are buying none of these.
Please put them back.
But we'll take one of these.
Ooh, Charleston Chew.
Good choice.
You know about putting them in the freezer? Yeah.
I know about the freezer.
There's nothing you can teach me, thank you.
All right, this is where we can buy those pills to get you off the sauce.
MAN: You guys ready for this? Stewie, who is this guy? My friend, Todd.
He's gonna help us out.
But this looks like a drug den.
What are you talking about? DOORBELL: Drug den, drug den Drug den, drug den.
I told you it was a drug den.
How you doing? Come on in.
("SISTER CHRISTIAN" BY NIGHT RANGER PLAYING) Where you goin'? What you lookin' for? Hello, new friends.
Welcome to my "prescription pad.
" (CHUCKLES) Get it? W-We're dead.
We're getting shot.
Oh, calm down.
Heads up.
Sometimes my knob plays peek-a-boo - through my pee hatch.
- (FIRECRACKER EXPLODES) So, I hear you guys need some benzos.
Yeah, we got to dry this dog up.
- (FIREWORK EXPLODES) - W-Wait, hang on, hang on, hang on.
This is my favorite part of the song.
(DRUMS BUILDING) - Tequila! - Motoring.
Ah, I'm thinking of a different song.
So, uh, you guys got the $500? Here's a little taste.
And there's more where that came from.
But I got to see the merchandise first.
Good, good, I need singles.
I got to do laundry so I can stop hanging out in my underwear with a bunch of guys.
All right, give me all your money! Stewie, what's this guy doing? No idea.
I don't know him that well.
He was kicking a Redbox machine outside of CVS.
Seemed like the kind of guy who could help us out.
(GUNSHOT) (BOTH SCREAM) (SHOTGUN COCKS) (BOTH SCREAM) (YELLS) (GUNSHOT, SHOTGUN COCKS) (SQUEAKING) Damn it.
Pistorius! Boom! Through the bathroom door.
Did you just name-drop "Pistorius"? He's still a hero to us.
So I made it, Cleveland made it, and now you made it, Joe.
Yeah.
Thanks for the recap.
Yeah.
Everybody's made it but this guy.
Quit it! Get off of me.
Ah, what's wrong, Pete? Boop.
Boop.
Boop-boop-boop.
Stop it! Stop touching me.
Hey, guys, I did it three more times while you were grab-assing.
MAYOR WEST: Need a lift? (RAT SQUEAKS) (LAUGHS) We could be a Geico commercial.
You're absolutely right.
You don't have ass or grass, so I'll be taking this dollar.
(RAT SQUEAKS) No, no, no.
I don't want ass.
Just give me the dollar.
And now to turn slightly.
(YELLS) Ah, heck! I did a fail.
(WIND WHISTLES) Ah, a dollar.
Oh, my dollar.
I guess Meg didn't care.
(SIGHS) My heart broken, and nothing to console me but the screaming black dolphins.
Man, that dollar's getting all over town.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, like your mama.
(LAUGHS) Ah, dag! Aw, man, you know I'm just playin'.
Hey, man, you seen that movie The Cove? The Cove? How yous gonna be talkin' about The Cove? I mean, I saw the movie, but I was like, "Oh, (BLEEP).
" Ah, man, you know, what even is a cove? I think it's like what a white dolphin calls a bay.
They be all like, "Honey, I'm taking Cooper and Tucker down to the cove.
" - Right, right.
- Rest of us be like, - Sittin' in the mornin' sun.
- Don't do it, then, - don't do it! - Oh, I'm-a do it! All right, t-then just squeak out the whistle part.
(SQUEAKS TO THE TUNE OF "SITTIN' ON THE DOCK OF THE BAY") - (BEATBOXING) - (CONTINUES SQUEAKING) You ever had your heart broken, Jerome? Hell yeah, man.
Married my high school sweetheart.
Week after our wedding, she was diagnosed with cancer.
At her funeral, our little girl caught pneumonia.
We buried her next to her mom six weeks later.
You never seen a casket so small.
I hear you.
I gave me number to a girl and she threw it away.
You and me, fraternity of pain, eh? Okay, this is the one.
Son of a (LIGHTSABER HUMMING) - Come on, Peter.
Let's call it.
- No, Joe! Nobody's leaving until I sink a penny in that glass! - Oh, for God's sakes.
- No Say, Peter, you know, maybe you should try this one with your eyes closed.
Just feel it.
But if I close my eyes, you'll all disappear and I'm a-scared of being alone.
Don't worry, Peter.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Guys? We're right here, Peter.
Throw it.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, I made it? - Sure.
- Right in.
Amazing.
Yes! I've never felt so much power.
I'm gonna go have sweaty day-sex with my wife.
Excuse me, sir, would you like to buy some candy to send Jewish kids to a Jewish place to do Jewish things? Will it get you out of my bar? It sure will.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) Look who's still standing, bitch.
Go buy yourself something nice in hell.
Hey there, sailor.
What are you doing here? Oh, sometimes I come here to think and fart.
So, you still up for our date? Our date? But I thought you got rid of the dollar with my number on it.
No, I put your number in my phone, silly.
So, what do you say? Are you free tonight? Let me consult me charts and maps.
Low tide (MUTTERS) 5:23.
Oh, yeah.
Moonrise, 7:48.
(MUTTERING) Aye, looks like I am.
(WIND WHISTLING) (TIRES SCREECH) Lois, I tossed a penny in a shot glass, so get your pants off and put a towel on the kitchen table! LOIS: Peter, I'm in the middle of book club.
- Forget book club, we're doin' it.
- (DISHES CLATTERING) Anyone who doesn't want to see my big, white, flailing butt, get the hell out.
Joe, I found a dollar! JOE: That's great, Bonnie! Let's go to dinner.
We can talk all about it.
What's there to talk about? I looked down on the ground and there was a dollar.
Bonnie, save it for the dinner table! Crap, I don't have any change.
Hey, Seamus, you got change for a dollar? I don't know.
Is my boat parked illegally in the harbor? I don't know.
Are you gonna make a contribution to the Policeman's Ball? I don't know.
Are you gonna help me move next week? Geez, what are you two, dating or something? SEAMUS AND JOE: I don't know.
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to Whispers.
I'm your hostess, Ida, and as always, I am joined by my trusty psychic, Ryan Reynolds.
- I knew you'd say that.
- (LAUGHS) Piano? Comedy? What don't you do? - Windows.
- (LAUGHS) Trust me, folks, he doesn't, I've tried.
God, this is going well.
Well, Stewie, you were right.
I couldn't make it a day without drinking.
Well, the important thing is you barely tried and then got shot.
So I read a fun compatibility quiz in Cosmo.
I don't know if you want to take it.
- I don't.
- I didn't either! Compatible! If you'll excuse me, I have to urinate every time something good happens.
(LIGHT APPLAUSE) I thought the show was really great.
Thank you.
I couldn't help but notice you talked throughout it.
(CROWD WHOOPING, DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Take it off! I want to see if mine look right.
Well, Chris, we've looked all over town.
Might as well check here.
This is where dollar bills come to die.
Wait, Grandpa, look! I don't believe it! Oh, no.
Now we'll never find it.
Hold on.
I got an idea.
Hey, can I turn off everything but the black lights? - Sure, I don't care about anything.
- Cool.
Wow, this place is gross! Yeah, the NBA All-Star Game was in town last week.
There it is! I got it, Grandpa! Attaboy! Happy Birthday, Grandson.
Thanks.
Hey, so, how much is this rare dollar worth, anyway? Ah, well, some dildo wrote his phone number on it, so now it's worth jack! The best things in life are free But you can give them to the birds and bees I want money Yes, ooh-ooh-ooh That's what I want Yes, ooh-ooh-ooh.
Ho ho! Is everyone who was in the show! H-Hold on, everyone.
Everyone? Ellen DeGeneres wants a selfie of all of us.
Come on, squeeze in, now.
We're gonna blow up the Internet.
Let's take all that we did today and make it all about Ellen.
MAN: Hey, I'm right here! That caption's a phony!