Family Guy s17e01 Episode Script

Married... With Cancer

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Brian, why are you dressed like a douche who hangs out with multiracial friends in a McDonald's commercial? (CHUCKLES): Okay.
All right, that'll do.
Well, I'm heading out.
See y'all.
Hey, Brian, that hat makes you look like a wang.
Squat and white with a dark mushroom cap, - like Michael Jackson.
- Is that true? Yes.
Let me guess, Bri.
You're off to try and get laid - at some sad nightclub.
- Shut up, Stewie.
I'm not just out for sex.
I want a woman who I can spend the rest of my life with.
I simply haven't found her yet.
And you never will, because the truth is you're a selfish horndog who's getting too old for the game.
I beg to differ.
I think I've got the lingo of today's lady down pat.
Hey.
Might I Pinterest you in a drink-point-oh? Ladies.
How about the Verizon guy moving over to Sprint? Huh? That seems kind of wack, right? - Like, zero chill.
- I can't understand you.
Does anyone here speak Old Dude? Is Bernie Sanders here bothering you? Another bourbon, please.
- Shut up, dick.
- Wha? - Why do I come here? - WOMAN: Tell me about it.
He called me a dick earlier.
- I'm Jess.
- Thanks.
I'm Brian.
Well, Jess, bottoms up.
If you're lucky.
(CHUCKLES) So, this place, uh it's worse than Syria, don't you think? Yes! Everything about it is awful.
The people, the music - If you can call it music.
- If you can call it music.
Oh, my God, we were grumpy and bitter at the same time.
(LAUGHS): I like you, Brian.
You actually say what's on your mind.
Hey, life's too short, right? (GROANS) Tell me about it.
I've been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
Oh, you know, cancer? Oh, my God, I thought I smelled cancer.
Still want to go back to my place? Sounds great.
Or, as young people say, "Hashtag yes!" (CRICKETS CHIRPING) (KISSING) (EXHAUSTED SIGHS) - Whew! - That was incredible.
And hey, sorry I barked when you took your pants off.
I thought it was a squirrel.
Ready to go again? Oh, I need time.
I'm still recovering from that one thing you did that was so obscene, it couldn't even be described on lame, dying network TV.
Have you always been so Freaky? No.
But when I got my diagnosis, I made a bucket list of wild sex stuff I want to try.
Jess, I would like to help you cross offos every single item on this list.
Aw.
You would do that for me? All except for number 17.
I'm allergic to chocolate.
But isn't that only I? You know what? Let me make a phone call.
Oh Yeah! (MUSIC FADES) Brian, I'm glad your girlfriend could join us - for dinner tonight.
- Thanks, Lois.
And when she gets back from the bathroom, none of you say anything about cancer.
I'm serious.
I really enjoy spending time with this woman, and I don't want you ruining it for me.
- Okay, okay, promise.
- Of course.
We got it.
Lois, you didn't have to go through all this trouble.
It's like a whole Thanksgiving dinner.
Oh, it's no problem, Jess.
We're happy to have you.
Chris, pass me a turkey leg, would you? I prefer the limbs.
I got a "limb fo' Ma.
" Uh, let's stop talking about the food.
All right? Anyone seen any good movies lately? I saw that new Tom Hanks movie.
Oh, man, I love every Tom Hanks movie, except The Terminal.
There's nothing worse than when you're flipping channels, and you're like, "Oh, God, it's Terminal.
"Don't say it's Terminal.
"God, what have I done to deserve this? Why does it have to be Terminal?!" Sir, I will tell you a great Tom Hanks movie: Catch Me If You Can, sir.
You have literally never called Peter "sir.
" Well, I've never told you that I can't throw a boomerang, but it's true.
See? I told you.
But at least I don't have cancer, - like your girlfriend.
- That's it.
I'm getting you out ofere.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING) I like your family.
They're scumbags.
I like you.
No, Jess I really like you.
I can't remember the last time I felt this happy.
(BRIAN MOANING SOFTLY) I feel dizzy.
Me, too.
This all happened so fast, I Jess? Are you okay? Jess? Are you guys still leaving? Oh.
Yeah.
Sorry.
(SIGHS) (DOOR OPENS) Wait, where's Dr.
Hartman? I'm afraid Jess's condition is too serious to be announced by Dr.
Hartman.
So they sent me, Dr.
Gravitas.
- Oh boy.
- Uh-oh.
Jess, I'll come right out and say it.
The cancer did not respond to treatment and has spread throughout your body.
You've got approximately two weeks left to live.
Oh, my God.
Oh (SOBBING) (SIGHS) I'm so sorry, Jess.
If there's anything I can do No, you've been great.
I mean, you don't even need to be here right now.
I'm just some woman who never got to have the career she wanted or get married or have kids.
(SOBBING) One of those things you can do.
It would be my honor if you spent the rest of your life as my bride.
Oh, Brian.
Yes! (PHONE RINGS) Oh, this is my vet.
Hello? Oh, great.
Well, some good news.
That chocolate thing from the bucket list? We're all good.
Let's do it.
Toblerone probably isn't the best thing for this.
Brian? It would mean the world to me if you wore my tux from when I got married.
I love you, buddy.
Yeah, I'm not wearing a fat guy's old clothes.
And Wha Is this a flap on the butt of these pants? Yup.
In case of emergencies.
My invention.
Called it the Suit-Chute.
Got it patented in '97 and went into business.
Shot a local commercial and everything.
I'm Peter Griffin, inventor of the Suit-Chute.
Are you about to walk down the aisle and afraid you'll leave it brown? Did you eat creamy soup just before the opera? Are you George Brett at an awards ceremony? Then you need a tux with the Suit-Chute.
Don't take my word for it.
Ask famous Hollywood actor- slash-pants filler Dennis Franz.
On NYPD Blue, I'm known for packin' heat.
But every year when I go to the Emmys, the heat I'm packin' is clumpy and smells terrible.
Not anymore, thanks to the Suit-Chute.
And the winner is your socks and shoes.
The business died, and I lost $200,000, Brian.
Want to know why? "555" means it is not an actual phone number.
I truly wish I had known that.
Brian, I want nothing to do with this sham wedding.
So if you're going to ask me to be your best man, don't.
I'm not.
I want you to be the ring bearer, and wear a vest and a boutonniere - and carry a satin pillow - Sold, sold.
Yes, I'm in.
But it's still wrong.
There's no way you'd be marrying this woman if she wasn't going to die - in two weeks.
- Oh, come on! Did you know that Lois was so moved she called Channel Five to do a profile of me and Jess? And now get out your tissues, it's a real-life Quahog version of The Fault in Our Stars, the novel and hit movie your gay nephew quotes on Facebook.
My name is Jess.
I have cancer.
But cancer doesn't have me.
My name is Brian.
I have a disease called love.
It may have started in my penis, but it spread to my heart.
And, Brian, when you learned Jess had only weeks to live, you proposed.
Yep.
Got in right under the wire.
No one's ever loved me like Brian does.
You know, sometimes at night I just watch Jess sleep for hours.
And I go, "Hey.
Hey, you alive?" And she says, "Yeah," and then I go, "All right, good.
" (SNIFFLES) I'm, uh I'm sorry.
(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry to be a puss.
Hey, pal.
Listen, I kn-I know we've had our differences, - but you're a good guy.
- Thank you, Quagmire.
Listen, I want to throw you the wildest bachelor party of all time.
It's gonna be crazier than whatever Kanye West is doing at this particular moment.
I'm giving this lasagna a massage while preparing to announce I'm joining ISIS.
Thank you for your interest.
This is delicious.
Hmm.
I still think the butter cream was the best cake I've thrown up so far.
Oh, speaking of which.
Mwah! Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you.
A-Are you the dog who's marrying the cancer girl? Oh, uh, yeah, I am.
Oh, my God, we saw you on the news last night! You are just the best person.
I can't even.
How's she doing? Honestly, not well.
She's only got ten days.
So in ten days you'll be alone? I guess.
Well, maybe not.
I'll give you my number.
Here, I'll put my number in with my tongue.
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
I'm not sure that's a complete number, but I'm gonna call you first.
Wow.
I haven't gotten this kind of attention since I went to see The Peanuts Movie.
- Look.
- There he is.
That's him.
That's the guy who peed in his empty soda cup.
(CRYING) (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) Hello, Brian, I'm Jess's mother, Helen.
Oh, hey.
L-Listen, I've been wanting to talk to you.
I-I was thinking maybe you could move in with me and Jess, because I-I know you'd want to be with her for her final days.
Well, now, thank you, Brian.
That is such a sweet offer.
I would love to be there.
Now, you have a blessed day.
(CHUCKLING): Oh Oh, no.
We's all gathered here to join this couple in holy matrimony.
(SIGHS) Yet another wedding I'm on this side of, Jeffrey.
We's just waiting for his mama to die.
(SINGSONGY): We've written our own vows.
PETER: Oh, no.
Brian, I I haven't known you that long.
But these past weeks I feel like you've given me a lifetime of love.
I vow to honor you and cherish you until the day I die, a week from Wednesday.
I'm so happy to place this ring on the weird dog thumb you have halfway up your arm.
Jess, I wish we had a million years together.
But what we have is this moment, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
With this ring, I vow to honor you and cherish you for the rest of the month.
Ma'am, do you take this doggie to be your husband? I do.
Yay! How about you, doggie? Samesies? - I do.
- Yay, again! By the power bottom vested in me, I now pronounce y'all husband and wife.
Kiss! WOMAN: Aw.
Everyone! Your attention, please! Dr.
Gravitas? That's right.
I want to give you two your first gift.
These are your latest test results, Jess.
And they're remarkable.
Meaning what? Meaning Jess is going to live.
(GUESTS GASP, CHEER) Brian, we really will be together forever.
Forever and ever and ever! Can you believe this? What? Jess is gonna live.
I-I'm sorry, I took a-a muscle relaxer this morning.
Tinazidine.
Before you drove here?! Yeah, I took half of one before I got in the car.
And then another half at a red light.
It's fine, it's Tinazidine.
I-I might take another half.
You want a half? Oh, no.
Come on.
It was prescribed by a doctor to a guy named John Selvaggio who has a mailbox that he can't see from his front yard.
It's Tinazidine.
Stop saying what it is.
ANNOUNCER: Tinazidine: the white, plastic pouch in your neighbor's mailbox that might be three months of drugs.
Oh, my God.
It is so incredible having my appetite back.
Mm.
I love you.
Ah, shrimp.
It's like I'm a baby bird.
(SPITS, LAUGHS) This turn me on, too.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING) (FARTS) Brian, did you hear that? Mm-hmm.
Remember what the doctor said? Flatulence means my digestive system is working again.
Oh, my God, I must have, like, six months worth of cancer-farts built up.
(SHORT FARTS) (LONG FART) (GIGGLES) MAN (IN DISTANCE): Would you stop farting, please? This is a nice hotel.
- Okay, that's the last box.
- (MEWING) Aw, you're so glad to be back with me, aren't you? Mommy was so sad when she had to put you all up for adoption.
Yes, she was.
Ooh, I'm going straight to the kitchen to make my favorite meal in a tiny apartment: microwaved salmon.
(SHORT FARTS) (FARTS CONTINUE WITH EACH STEP) (SIGHS) MAN: Welcome back, Brian.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - AUDIENCE MEMBER: That's Lou, the apartment manager from when Brian moved out.
Ain't that somethin' to flip your biscuit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) What? That's my thing I say, remember? Oh.
Uh, no.
I-I can't imagine anyone does.
Hey, listen, thanks for renting to us even though we have ten cats and couldn't make the deposit.
Spent, uh, pretty much every last penny on our wedding.
(CHUCKLES) Dead broke.
Ain't that somethin' to flip your biscuit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - So, Bri, this - (APPLAUSE SLOWLY STOPS) So, Bri, this is once again your hellhole.
I was going to help you move in but you don't really own anything, do you? Yeah, we didn't bother to register for giftsis because she was supposed to die! I must say, she's looking healthy.
Putting those Juicy pants to the test.
(WHISPERING): Stewie, I've got to get out of this.
You were right all along, okay? I'm not ready to be married.
I-I gotta I gotta get a divorce.
Oh, that'll go over well after you paraded your "great love" around town.
Which reminds me, your follow-up Tom Tucker profile is coming on now.
We got countless letters after our profile of the Cancer Girl who won her sweetheart's paw in marriage.
Turns out their story has a very happy ending.
Due to audio issues, the following footage is subtitled.
(CONTINUOUS FARTING) (MEWING) Brian, look.
- Holy - I know.
My hair's growing back.
What do you think? You look like a baby doll found in hurricane rubble.
Aw, I'm your baby doll.
- (KNOCKING) - I'll get it.
(QUIETLY): Ain't that somethin' to flip your biscuit? Nothing? (AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS) Oh, hey, Helen.
What are you doing here? Coming to live with you, like you asked me to at the wedding.
Are-are you watching HBO? I'm a Christian woman, Brian.
Cancel HBO now.
We can spend the extra money on the big photos of fetuses I hold while I yell at people outside Panera.
JESS: Mom, guess what? - My farts are back.
- (SHORT HIGH-PITCHED FART) - JESS'S MOM: Mine never went away.
- (LOW FART) - (BOTH LAUGH) - JESS: Oh, man.
- Uh-huh.
- So the crazy ex-girlfriend - sings this hilarious song.
- Uh-huh.
It's all about how she's having her period, but the other guy she wanted to impress The one who created the social media app He walks in while she's singing, so now he's not into her, either.
Uh-huh.
- Will you get me more salsa? - Uh-huh.
Brian.
Will you get me more salsa? Huh? Sorry.
Got it.
They only had mild.
(GAGGING) (COUGHING, CHOKING) Well, I'm sorry it's so disgusting, but that's all they have.
Oh, you're gonna die if you have to eat mild salsa? Come on.
(CHOKING) Wait, are you Oh, my G Oh, my God, are you choking? She's Someone I don't Heimlich maneuver.
How do you do the Heimlich maneuver? Come on, come on.
Damn it.
I've got one song by Haim on my phone? And every time I try to type "Heimlich", it (GASPING) Oh, my God.
Somebody call 911! Damn it, Fox.
That's not an invitation to ruin our moment to expand your media empire.
(SIGHS) Son of Zorn.
Ha.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) (CRYING) I'd like to thank you all for coming to honor the memory of my beloved wife Jess Uh I'm sorry, I'm just realizing I never caught her last name.
- JESS'S MOM: Schlotz.
- Yikes.
It was my husband's name.
What's your maiden name? Borgwort.
PETER: That's also bad.
Look, all I want to say is I always knew this day was coming.
But what I didn't know was just how much I was gonna miss Jess.
I would give anything if she were still here with me.
(GASPS) I'm okay.
It's a miracle! (SOBBING)