Family Guy s17e15 Episode Script

No Giggity, No Doubt

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Peter, come on.
- What? - We're starting.
Oh, is this, uh, a new one? I thought it was a rerun.
Okay, here we go.
[CLEARS THROAT] Line? [QUIETLY]: What are those guys doing over there? Hey, what are those guys doing over there? - [MEN CHEERING] - I added a "hey.
" ALL [CHANTING]: Here we go, Patriots! All right, now let's go miss the urinal with half a whiz and get out of here.
- [CHEERING] - Right on! Hey, why you guys leaving? We're taking a party bus to the game.
A bus for partying? Aw, that sounds awesome.
Like a pair of Pete's Headphones.
- ["OYE CÓMO VA" PLAYING] - Oye cómo va Mi ritmo Bueno pa' gozar Mulata Ba, ba-da ba-da-da Ba-da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da [CRICKETS CHIRPING] Mom, can we eat? My stomach is starting to sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger gasping for air at the end of Total Recall.
STOMACH [AS SCHWARZENEGGER]: [SHOUTS] My eyes are popping out at the end of this movie! Well, I'd like to wait for your father.
L-Let me send him another infuriating check-in text.
[SINGSONGY]: Hel-lo! Yes? Peter, where the hell have you been? On a magical journey to Gillette Stadium and back.
You remember last night when you called me the lowest-class alcoholic in the world? Well, I found one rung lower.
I'm a party bus guy now.
That's got to be way better than when I drove a Fiat.
- [MUZAK PLAYING OVER RADIO] - Hey! You cut me off! What? Turn down your radio.
I can't.
My stomach's pressed up against the dial.
You want to go? Get me 17 shoehorns and some canola oil, and we'll go! - [TIRES SCREECH] - Get back here! [CROWD CHEERING] Okay, guys, now this is a bus for a fireman's bachelor party.
So just follow my lead and we'll fit right in.
- [EXCITED CHATTER] - All right! 9/11! Boston Strong! Never forget! How about this guy? You forget? No way.
You're too Boston Strong to ever forget.
Let's roll! Uh, I mean civil servants with hero complexes! - [CHEERING] - Boom! - All right! - Welcome, other firefighters.
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] - Bring us the man of the hour.
Come on, Smitty! [WHOOPS] To my last night as a free man! [ALL SCREAMING] Hmm.
Unfortunate timing.
Now, which one of these scumbag firemen will go after his fiancée? Already happened.
We're very happy.
[GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING] Firemen are not good friends They'll bang your wife when you are dead.
Peter, this sucks! What are we doing out here? [ALL GRUNTING] I'm beginning to think those vodka cranberries may have had alcohol in them.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] Wow, partying on the bus to prom.
Doesn't get much cooler than this.
None of these lame kids is drinking.
Eh, I think I know what's going on.
Hey, how many of you kids are on the horny drugs? I'm a cop.
[CHUCKLES]: But I'm not a narc.
[CHEERING] [CHANTING]: Cool cop! Cool cop! Cool cop! - [SNIFFS] Did you dook yourself? - [CHANTING CONTINUES] Just listen to the chant, Peter.
Listen to the chant.
- - Close dancing, 12 o'clock.
Hey, arm's length, dirty porno lovers! So, going stag tonight, Meg? Oh, no, I brought someone.
[HIGH-PITCHED]: Hello.
I'm in love with Meg.
Well, now I'm very sorry I asked.
Wow, the end of high school.
Tonight, we pass around Stifler's mom, and in the morning, it's off to die quick in Vietnam.
Peter, I think you're getting your movies mixed up.
Attention, students.
It's time to announce this year's prom king and queen.
PETER: Natalee Holloway! [CHUCKLES] Now, now.
And the winners are Connie D'Amico and "Kermit Legs" Kyle! Ah, so close.
Hello, gorgeous.
- How old are you? - 18.
All right, and I just recorded you saying that.
And hi.
I am Glenn Quagmire.
Courtney.
Nice to meet you.
You don't look like you're in high school.
I got held back.
You like getting held back? Sometimes.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] All right, youngins.
I dragged this piece of dirty cardboard in from the alley to show y'all how to get down.
Peter! Let's boogie! [SCREAMS] ["APACHE (JUMP ON IT)" BY SUGARHILL GANG PLAYING] - Ho! Ho! - [CROWD CHEERING] Aah! There was a staple in the box! Where's the nurse's office? Hey, you want to get out of here? Yeah.
Let's go.
You take requests? What are you looking for? A-hunga, hunga, hunga, hunga [MUSIC STOPS] [SINGING ALONG TO MUSIC]: It's been one week since you looked at me Cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry Five days since you laughed at me I know all the lyrics.
- I just don't know them fast! - Three days - And initial here.
- What is all this? Oh, these just say if anything should happen to you, I'm not responsible, blah-blah-blah.
I'm-I'm just boring myself.
I had a lot of fun with you tonight, Courtney.
Me too.
[MOANS]: Oh, Courtney.
Oh, Glenn.
Oh, oh, giggity! Wait.
Did you just say "giggity"? Yeah.
Sorry.
Sometimes I just blurt that out when I get excited.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Here.
Rub this up and down on the inside of your cheek.
- BOTH: Giggity.
- Aah! Stop saying that! - - [DEVICE BEEPS] What is it, Glenn? What's wrong? You're you're my daughter! Oh, my God! Wow.
I guess this means I have a phone call to make.
Hey, it's Glenn Quagmire.
Would you tell Andrew that he is not the father? MAURY POVICH: Andrew, you are not the father.
[CROWD CHEERING, ANDREW SHOUTING EXCITEDLY] ["APACHE (JUMP ON IT)" BY SUGARHILL GANG PLAYING] [ANDREW CONTINUES SHOUTING EXCITEDLY] Courtney, there's something I just got to ask.
What the heck was the theme of that dance? - What do you mean? - I mean, like, there was palm trees like it was Hawaii, but then there was a suit of armor in the corner.
There was a big banner w-with fish on it.
Can we get back to the fact that you're my dad? Yeah, you're right.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Well, let me ask.
What's up with your mom? Actually, I never knew my mom.
I was hoping that you could tell me about her.
Uh of course I can.
Your mom your mom was really thing hanging on the bulletin board behind you.
That's so nice to hear.
Tell me more.
Oh, gosh, she was, she was just so word on the bottom of your coffee cup.
I always knew she would be! What else? I just have some great memories of her numbers to call in case of emergency or accidental poisoning.
It's like she's here with us right now.
So you don't know your mom? Who do you live with? Well, right now I'm on a futon in the rafters of my friend's garage.
Oh! Actually, I better get going.
I have to feed their ferrets.
They breed them.
It's pretty terrifying.
[GIGGLES] Anyway, thank you so much for being so nice, and let's talk soon? Wait, hold on.
You can't live in a ferret garage.
You need a home.
You know, you could move in here.
I have an extra bedroom, and the bed has a bunch of different-sized pillows on it.
Hmm.
I do love dealing with those pillows every day, but are you sure? I don't want to be a burden.
No, it's no problem.
Hey, you're my daughter.
I want to make sure you have everything you need.
Thanks.
That's sweet.
Um okay! Yeah.
I'll move in.
That's huge for me.
Hey, is that an Instant Pot? - No, it's a Crock-Pot.
- You got to get an Instant Pot.
You can make short ribs in it.
It falls right off Yeah, yeah, falls right off the bone.
I know.
I've had this conversation five times.
[KNOCK ON WINDOW] Hey, Quagmire.
I hear you're considering an Instant Pot.
[SIGHS] Courtney, that's Joe, my neighbor.
Hey, Courtney.
You getting this guy on board? So, I think I had a wet nightmare last night.
Is that possible? - Hello, fellow daddios.
- Did you bang your kid yet? Okay, Peter, can I talk to you for a second? I'm sorry, but I am not going to stand for any misogyny.
Stop acting like a Neanderthal pig.
Those sound scary.
What were you two ladies talking about? Joe, can I talk to you for a second? It's 2019.
Time-tested jokes like that are now offensive and not funny at all.
Okay, I got to go.
I'm taking Courtney to her first WNBA game.
I got courtside seats.
They're way in the back, but I'm sitting next to Courtney.
[LAUGHS] I-I got dad jokes now.
See you, friends.
Yes, 911? Someone has stolen the old Quagmire and replaced him with a respectable man.
[LAUGHS] OPERATOR: Sir, this line is reserved for emergencies only.
Please end your clammy joke.
- Okay.
Sorry.
- [BEEP] - You remember what I told you? - I'm the best around.
Nothing's gonna ever keep me down.
That's right.
I made that up.
Now go get 'em, kiddo.
I'll be watching with the other moms.
Here's all the usual suspects.
[CHUCKLES]: Oh, you're doing a video.
Turn it G-Get it off.
Glenn, I look terrible.
Glenn, Courtney's up! Okay, okay, here we go.
Please.
Let's go, Courtney! Ah, perfect! That's a ten! 9.
2? 9.
2?! 9.
2?! 9.
2?! 9.
2?! I'll give you a 9.
2.
On the Richter scale! Courtney, let's go.
I get to go again.
We do it twice.
Oh.
Let's go, Courtney.
So, you liking Take Your Daughter to Work Day? Uh, yeah! I can't believe my dad knows how to fly this thing.
- You want to try? - Me? I don't know.
Come on, it's easy.
You don't even need a college degree, which is a very scary true fact.
Go ahead.
You're doing great.
Now roll it.
[CHUCKLES]: What? No way.
Don't worry, you're a Quagmire.
It's in your blood.
- Grip it and rip it.
- Okay.
[PASSENGERS SCREAMING] QUAGMIRE: Attagirl.
Perfect.
N-No.
No, no.
We're not doing that.
I got my daughter with me today, you perverts.
PILOT: He's not doing it today.
- PILOT 2: Aw, shoot.
- PILOT 3: Another time.
PILOT 4: Probably got his kid with him.
I'm glad you guys could finally come over for dinner.
Sure thing, Lois.
Thanks for having us.
See, Meg? That's a thigh gap.
Now, Courtney, I'd like to awkwardly introduce you to someone your own age.
Courtney, this is Megan.
Maybe you listen to the same music.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Yo, Courtney, what's your Instagram? I just got on there and need some interesting peeps - to follow.
- Oh, you'll have to ask my dad.
He approves all my follow requests.
Denied! Nice try, ass.
Hey, have you guys seen the Wonder Woman film? - Yeah, no.
- Oh, you have to.
It's a triumph.
Courts and I have seen it five times.
It's an important movie, Peter.
You should watch it with Meg.
It's a masterwork.
Oh, I've been wanting to see that.
Okay, we totally will.
Hey, Dad, I just checked the weather, and it looks like sunny skies all weekend.
You guys have big plans? Yeah, we're going camping.
Hey, you and Meg should come with us, Peter.
We'll make it a father-daughter bonding weekend.
- Oh, that's a great idea.
- Yeah, let's go, Dad.
Y-You know who you should take instead of me? Uh, Stewie or-or Chris or Brian.
May-Maybe Lois.
Or Seamus is fun.
Carter Pewterschmidt, Babs Pewterschmidt, Bonnie, Joe, their son Kevin, Cleveland, Jerome, Bruce, Opie, Carl, the "phony" guy, the ostrich, Al Harrington, Billy Finn, John Travolta from one of our cutaways, uh, all of our characters as Star Wars characters, everybody from The Cleveland Show, Cherry Chevapravatdumrong that's how that name is pronounced the Orville the ship, not the cast um, me Aw, damn it! Okay, fine.
I'll go.
- Thank you.
- Cool.
I heard my name, too.
I'm in! No? I'll drive, buy snacks? No? Okay.
Everyone else is out here, too.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] Oh, my God, it's literally everyone.
That can only mean show ghosts! [GRUNTS] I'm really glad you decided to bring Meg on this camping trip, Peter.
- It's gonna be great.
- Because we're in the Because we're in the great outdoors.
[INHALES DEEPLY] [EXHALES]: Ah.
You don't get air like this back in Quahog, do you, Pete? Uh, I don't know.
Some places, probably.
Hoo-ah! Gosh, being in nature gives me such great energy.
Hey, Courtney, you ever see a yellow-headed warbler? That's the only warbler I haven't seen.
Not for long it's not.
[WHISTLING BIRD CALL] Don't answer that.
We're eating.
They're probably eating.
Okay, we're gonna have a fun camp competition.
And the first event, worth five points, is a race down to the lake right now! Last one there is a stinky poo-poo egg! Come on, Dad! What Meg didn't know, what none of them knew, is that I already was a stinky poo-poo egg.
Boy, you don't get stars like this back in Quahog, do you, Pete? Stop calling me Pete.
I know what'll cheer you up.
Skits! [TO "CHARGE" FANFARE]: Skits, skits, skits, skits Skits, skits, skits, skits Skits-skits-skits-skits, skits-skits Skits! [WHISTLING A TUNE] Well, isn't this a perfect bench for a sit.
Say, Dad, what are you doing? Oh, just sitting on the invisible bench, reading about those North Korea jokesters.
But, Dad, they moved the invisible bench last week.
Oh.
It's over there now.
Whoa! [MEG AND COURTNEY LAUGH] Ladies and gentlemen, "The Invisible Bench" skit.
Peter, you're up.
Okay, here's one.
I call it "The Invisible Noose.
" First, I throw a rope over this tree limb, put the noose around my neck.
Now I'll just step onto this rock and jump off into the sweet relief of death.
Peter, would you mind flattening your rod? Fine.
I'll Tootsie it between my thighs.
Yeah, okay, whatever gets it away from my daughter's face.
Are you eating an apple with a knife? God, that's always so forced.
Hold on.
We've been here already.
Yeah, she's right.
That's where I graffitied that rock.
We've changed our minds.
We're going on record.
We're not lost, all right? We're just two dads bonding with our daughters, and getting lost is not part of the plan.
All right, nobody panic.
We just need to get our bearings.
Hey, here comes a hiker.
Excuse me, sir, we're lost.
Ha! Then you must be my car keys, right? [LAUGHS] It is so nice to get out of the city and meet friendly people.
You're not helping, Dad.
As usual.
Well, at least I didn't get us lost.
We're not lost! We're just two dads in the woods, who love our daughters very, very much.
Okay, so maybe it's not the life we chose.
Well, you chose it.
I didn't.
That's for damn sure! - Dad, will you help him? - Shh.
I've been waiting for this.
I knew it was fake.
Dad, I'm sorry.
I didn't I'm not Dad! I'm Quagmire! Glenn Quagmire! Giggity [BLEEP] giggity! I don't want to be out here! I hate camping! And what the hell was the theme of that stupid prom?! All the cups said, "Oh, What a Night!" I mean, if it was, "Oh, What a Knight" with a "K," that would've made some sense, 'cause there was a suit of armor there.
What was that about? Answer me! I-I think it's possible to overthink these things.
Ugh, what a mish-mosh.
Damn it, I just want to be home, not here, lost in the woods, looking at this stupid map with a magnifying glass.
Aah! Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do? I don't know.
- Help! - Dear God, someone help us! You know when this would never happen? If I was sitting on the couch, watching TV, ignoring you completely.
Courtney, I'm sorry for what I said earlier.
You mean when you completely ripped my school dance theme? No, no, there was no theme to rip.
That's the point.
I stand by all of that.
If anything, I'm more angry.
No, I'm-I'm talking about being your father before I was ready.
I promise, if we make it out of here, we can start again.
- Deal? - Deal.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING] 9/11! Boston Strong! Oh, it's Smitty.
We're saved! But we should warn the birds the fire's coming.
[WHISTLING BIRD CALL] All right, stay calm.
Grab the pictures.
I'll get your mother's ashes.
Wow, Peter, that was a close call with that fire, but I'm glad you all made it back safe and sound.
Yeah, me, too.
What the hell? Oh, I hope it's okay.
I bought some more pillows.
[JAZZY BASS RIFF PLAYING, CANNED LAUGHTER] I mean, what is the deal with women and pillows? Has-has anyone else noticed this? MAN: No.
No one? But I-I got three minutes of material on pillows.
- MAN: We don't want to hear it.
- [MUSIC STOPS] [SCATTING JAZZY BASS RIFF] [SINGS ENDING FLOURISH]