Family Guy s20e20 Episode Script

Jersey Bore

1 It seems today that all you see ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ All the things that make us ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪ Boy, oh, boy.
- Is it Friday yet? - Tomorrow.
And actually, in Tasmania, it's already Friday.
I thought you'd be more fun.
Griffin, you'll be very happy to know I've finished conducting my employee productivity evaluations.
I used a system called the Determining Employee Advancement, Duties, Work-Engagement, Intelligence-Gains Hourly Test, or DEADWEIGHT.
And my results show you to be the brewery's least productive employee.
So, pack your bags.
I'm fired? No, you're going on a business trip with me as my assistant, since you won't be missed at the office.
We're meeting with our New Jersey distributor in Atlantic City.
Everyone, I'll be away on business for a few days starting tomorrow, so we're bringing in a substitute boss.
I hope he's a hard-ass.
But what if he's wearing jeans? Hey, guys, my first name is Dan, which is what you'll all call me.
Now, who wants to watch Ratatouille? (CHEERING) (GRUNTS) Sorry, that guy over there tripped me.
Mr.
Edwards, the guidance counselor? Yeah, the bullying in this school has gotten a little out of hand.
You must be Heather, the new girl.
How'd you know I was new? I'm Quahog's number three Realtor.
I really wanted to sell that house to your folks, but you're in great hands with Gil.
What's this? Principal Shepherd is directing an adaptation of Baz Luhrmann's William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
The local Ruth's Chris Steak House is sponsoring it.
I'm playing Juliet.
Wow.
You're Juliet in Ruth's Chris's Principal Shepherd's Baz Luhrmann's William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet? Yes, it's great, but we're auditioning for a new Romeo.
The parents of the boy we cast said he needed emergency conversion therapy.
Anyway, nice to meet you, Chris.
♪ I have to be in that play.
WOMAN: Nice hat, dork! That's not nice, Mrs.
Danneman, the elderly school nurse.
Peter, is something wrong? We've been here an hour, and you've hardly touched your penis.
It's not like you.
It's getting cold.
Sorry, guys.
I just found out I have to meet my stupid boss in Atlantic City for a business trip.
Peter, business trips are great.
Yeah, haven't you seen Cedar Rapids with Ed Helms? He plays a salesman who goes to a conference in the titular city.
There, he encounters three repeat attendees who lead him on a profound weekend journey, equal parts hope and self-discovery.
I memorize Rotten Tomatoes movie descriptions.
You'll have one meeting, and then the rest of the time - you just party.
- Party with Preston? But he doesn't drink.
I wish you guys could come.
Wait a minute.
Why not? You guys should drive down with me.
- All right! - Let's do it! Cedar Rapids, rated R for drug use and mild sexual content! I've never been to Atlantic City.
Let's just watch this ad from their tourism department.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Atlantic City, the inspiration for Bruce Springsteen's saddest song.
Want to see brown ocean water stained with gasoline rainbows? Come on down to Atlantic City! Love to watch guys with no noses fight women with trach holes? You're in luck! And if you're wondering where Taylor Hicks has been, he's here! In a small lounge with a low stage.
Atlantic City! Come flick a lit cigarette at a dealer today! (INSECTS CHIRPING) (BRITISH ACCENT): "Published by the Samuel French Company, "New York, copyright this ed.
MCMLXX.
" What are you doing? (NORMAL VOICE): Reading Romeo and Juliet.
We're doing it at school, and this girl I like is playing Juliet.
I'm going to audition for Romeo.
There's kissing.
Chris, listen, acting isn't easy.
You're going to need some help.
See what I'm doing? Scarf, a high stool? One leg up, hands clasped over knee? Engaged and in the moment.
Do you know what this means? - You're gay - An acting coach, yes.
What does a baby know about acting? Yes, I'm a baby.
It's hard being youngest, always looking for a way to distinguish myself, to contribute.
(SOBBING SOFTLY) Stewie, I-I didn't mean it.
Neither did I.
That was acting, Chris.
Wow.
You're amazing.
Do you think you can give me some pointers? It will be my great honor.
That was also acting.
Thought I'd swing by work first and pick up a case of beer for the road.
Then we're off.
(GROANS) Hear him breathe? AC's on full blast, and he's covered in sweat.
Lois'll be a widow soon, right? Yeah, he's circling the drain.
And let me guess No estate planning? Would you guys tell me if my car smelled this bad? Everywhere I look, I see another stray french fry.
Hey, guys? I know I'm new to the group, but Peter's not here to defend himself, so I don't think it's right for us to talk about him like this.
(PHONE CHIMES) Griffin? What are you doing here? Oh, hey, Preston.
Why do you have a case of beer? Oh.
Oh, this? Um, uh, samples.
- For clients.
- Excellent idea.
Say, why don't you just drive me? That way I can be productive the entire trip.
It'll be like Green Book, a movie I only saw because I believed it to be a book.
Oh, yeah, you know, I once tried to read Jaws 'cause I thought it was the movie.
Couldn't go into a library for years after that.
Guys, listen, Preston wants to drive with me.
He can't know you're all coming, so everyone in the way back.
I'm not hiding in the back of your car.
Why? There's nothing in there except for Lois' jog bras.
All right, you heard the man! Everyone in! These are Meg's! We've been duped! Hop in, boss.
If I speed, we can make it in four hours.
You'll do a steady 55 miles per hour, and we will stop to read historical markers - along the way.
- (CLEVELAND GROANS) Starting with the Museum - of Black Guy Mustaches.
- CLEVELAND: Oh! Some hotel.
They only had smoking rooms and very smoking rooms.
Check it out, a stack of prewritten suicide notes.
All you have to do is sign your name.
This place has everything.
I wish there were more than two beds.
I'll just sleep in my chair.
You sleep sitting up, Joe? Yeah, Bonnie puts a falcon hood on me, and I go right out.
I'm calm and no longer motivated by prey.
(KNOCKING) PRESTON: Griffin, open up.
Guys, hide in the shower.
Hello, Griffin.
I'm right next door in a slightly larger room.
Seems like an unnecessary detail.
Here is this weekend's itinerary.
We're working all weekend?! Griffin, our New Jersey distributor is threatening to drop our beer in favor of hard seltzer, because New Jersey.
I need to convince them that we are the best scumbag beverage around.
If we lose this account, we lose the brewery.
And then it's time to cast open the windows and drop to the freedom of the pavement.
I read that in a stack of suicide notes in my room.
See you at 1800 hours, Peter.
I better shower because I have no idea how soon or late that is.
- CLEVELAND: Hey! - QUAGMIRE: Ah! - JOE: What the hell?! - PETER: Sorry, I forgot.
JOE: Why are you at half-mast? PETER: I'm 45, Joe.
That's full mast.
Chris, any good acting coach will tell you that before your audition, it's important to warm up.
Now let's improv.
Give me a location.
Stewie's bedroom.
Okay, maybe just spend another second on Stewie's bedroom! Okay, fine.
And a profession? Acting teacher.
Again, maybe just give it one more Failed actor? I got tired of playing their game! It's okay, Stewie.
After a few noes, these young Brandos lose a little of their vinegar.
Tell you what, let's improv as Romeo and Juliet.
You be he, I'll be she.
(SOFTLY): Get in.
Let's get in.
I'd like permission to go inside, Juliet.
Hi, Juliet! I'm not I'm not there just yet.
All right, Juliet is eluding me a little.
My transformation is not yet complete.
(TAKES DEEP BREATHS) Hi, Juliet! Damn it, Chris! I'm not ready! But you were standing like a girl.
My bodywork was perfect, yes, but I still hadn't touched the soul.
All right, all right, even though you're off to a rough start, it's okay.
Even Michelangelo wasn't appreciated until later in life.
- Hey, how's Jakey doing? - He's good.
They got him building arches over at the Coliseum.
Big construction job.
How about Mikey? Yeah, he's, um he's been carving dongs out of marble.
You know, something different.
- (MACHINES CHIMING) - (LIVELY CHATTER) Wow.
This place is sad.
I'm one of the skinniest guys here.
Guys, Preston's coming.
Beat it.
I'm 11 seconds late.
I'll credit you the time in our two-minute break in 180 minutes.
Let's work.
"Pawtucket Patriot Ale: "The Best Carbonated Fermented Alcoholic Beverage Made from Malted Cereal Grain for the New Jersey Market.
" - Zing.
- That's not very catchy.
I didn't bring you for your opinions, Griffin.
I brought you for your width.
Now, stand up while I project my presentation on your back.
(PROJECTOR WHIRRING) This is humiliating.
I got to figure out a way to escape Preston and join the guys.
"Which is why our beer is the best beer for the Garden State.
" And now for a restorative 60-second power nap.
You'll nail this audition, Chris.
Behind you, fellas.
- Oh, hi, Meg.
- That's not her.
All high school theater tech girls just look like Meg.
SHEPHERD: Chris Griffin to the stage, please.
Okay, Chris.
Go time.
Curtain rises, lights up, a story begins.
And today our story is about a rising star in Constellation Showbiz Major: Chris Griffin.
At the Stewie Griffin Workshop, he's studied Commercial Technique and Acting for Camera, and will soon be seen in a local news story about kids who throw stuff at birds.
Enter Chris.
"She doth teach the torches to burn" Great! It's fine, Chris.
The part's yours.
I got my first-ever response on Tinder, and I got to make this happen now.
"Are you sure you're not a baby pretending to be a middle-aged divorcée?" "Would a baby be wearing a sheer chemise from Lane Bryant?" Chris, congratulations! We did it, Stewie.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, I'm going to kiss Heather! Thanks again for all your help.
Dear boy, I'm not going anywhere.
My coaching will continue.
Today's lesson: Acting teachers are weirdos who always grab your hands like this, and you can't do anything about it.
No! No.
No.
This is awesome.
Here's to us, doing what we normally do, but in a different place.
Griffin.
I knew I'd find you in a bar.
I am furious.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't introduce me to your friends as a common courtesy.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe.
Want to see Sebastian Maniscalco with us in the Stardust Room? He's that comedian who's always startled by the pasta he takes pictures with.
No.
I'm too busy trying to save our jobs.
Go home, Griffin.
You are useless to me and the brewery.
You will never amount to anything at work.
Oh, yeah? Well, you'll never amount to anything at life.
You don't know how to make friends or have fun.
You never even tasted the beer you sell.
At least I know why it's special.
Maybe you're right.
I don't quite understand its appeal.
Well, here's your chance.
("THE MAN IN ME" BY BOB DYLAN PLAYING) ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪ For the record, I've never seen this movie.
Actors onstage.
I think you mean, company, positions! Now, this is the scene where Mercutio warns Romeo about Juliet's angry brother Tybalt.
Who's playing Mercutio? A ten-ounce bone-in rib eye.
(SIZZLING) Man, Ruth's Chris really has their hooks in this thing.
Okay, Chris, move to the right.
- Stage left.
- Heather, come forward.
- Downstage.
- And to the right.
- Stage left.
- Back up, Chris.
Upstage, Chris.
- Stop.
- Stage go.
Am I scared of Tybalt? Yes, but Juliet can't know.
I'm gonna build on that, if I may.
Ignore that direction, Chris.
No, Chris, follow the emotion and take it further.
Great note.
Chris, don't listen to the note.
Take it further.
Of course, absolutely take it further, but in the opposite direction.
Who's in charge here? I'm starting to wonder that myself.
If you're trying to drive me out of my own production, - you've got another - (PHONE CHIMES) Oh, my first response on Farmers Only.
A divorcée in Ohio wants to show me her sheer Lane Bryant teddy.
Fine.
The show's yours.
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING) Oh, man, my head is killing me.
(GROANS) Did did we do something bad last night? Something really bad? Preston texted me at 2:00 a.
m.
What do we do? If Preston isn't at that presentation, the brewery's gonna go under! (YAWNS) Hotel cribs are always so comfy.
I wish I knew where to get one of these puppies.
Guys, Preston's missing! We got to find him! That hooker in the bathroom was dead when I found her! (PHONE CHIMES) Okay, Preston's not answering texts, and the presentation's in three hours.
We got to retrace our steps.
♪ We've been to every strip joint in town and can't find Preston anywhere.
We hit Uggoz, with a "Z" at the end.
Jersey Girlz, with a "Z" on the end.
C Sectionz, with a "Z" on the end.
I think we can all agree that the "Z" on the end takes sexy to the next level.
And when the "Z" is a little tilted on the sign, ooh-la-la.
Hey, do you remember seeing us last night with a dignified Black man? Getting a little tired of you punching that word.
No, just you four.
But that pilot there said he'd pay for my college.
That doesn't sound like me.
Two-year community college? Oh, yeah, that Yeah, that sounds like me.
I really like working with you, Heather.
Me, too, Chris.
By the way, if you want to go in for a real kiss today, I won't stop you.
Places, everyone.
And I want to see acting today.
No more amateur hour.
- Oh, Romeo.
- STEWIE: I don't believe you.
- Again.
- Oh, Romeo.
- Bring it down.
- Oh, Romeo.
- Bring it up.
- Oh, Romeo! Can we get a sip of water for our actress? She's sounding a little (SMACKS LIPS) "smacky.
" That's it! I quit! I am too pretty and rich to put up with this.
She is rich.
Her dad owns a bunch of Ruth's Chris Steak Houses.
Stewie, you ruined everything.
I was finally going to kiss a beautiful, nice girl.
She had my heart and I had hers.
Why must dark forces conspire to extinguish love's light? Everyone, we finally have our Romeo.
(CHEERING) Thanks, Stewie.
But what about Juliet? Don't you worry.
Ruth's Chris's Stewie Griffin's Principal Shepherd's Baz Luhrmann's William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet - What was the question? - I-I don't remember.
Hello, I lost my boss, so I'll be your substitute presenter today.
(GIGGLES) But, uh, no watching Ratatouille.
EXECUTIVE: We don't get that joke which references something from earlier.
PETER: "The Importance of Pawtucket Patriot Ale Products "in Relation to the Greater New Jersey Market, as Prepared by Preston Lloyd.
" I've already lost 'em.
What can I do? I need a beer.
Ah much better.
Wait a minute.
That's it! Look, you're not gonna understand beer with numbers or PowerPoints.
Beer is good because it makes you feel better and do awesome things you wouldn't normally do.
Beer makes memories that will last until you black out.
And when you forget, there are no regrets.
Beer is courage The courage to moon people from a not-moving car.
Beer helps you achieve new heights, atop the shoulders of unwilling strangers in a chicken fight.
Beer makes you grab the brass ring, or the taser of a casino security guy.
But if you won't listen to me, listen to Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
I liked beer.
Still like beer.
Beer is great because life is hard.
Don't make it harder with seltzer.
(CHEERING) Oh, my God.
You're cheering me.
No, we just saw a picture of Bon Jovi on the wall behind you.
But you still won us over.
Pawtucket Patriot Ale will stay the choice of New Jersey alcoholics.
♪ Preston! You're alive! Yes.
And thanks to you, so is our company.
But how are you even standing? Peter, I had one sip, found it disgusting, then watched you get totally annihilated in three minutes flat.
I realized only a true drunk could save the brewery.
That's why I sent you that text last night.
I spent the morning enjoying all four Monopoly railroad properties.
I love trains.
I'm on the spectrum.
Why didn't you respond to texts? Looking at trains.
Love trains.
I also love watching an employee go from least productive to well, kind of productive.
Thanks for believing in me, Preston.
Hey, you want to go down to the pier and watch the bodies float in? I'd like that.
♪ (SEAGULL SQUAWKS) Ooh, there's one.
Oh, that bird is going to town on him.
Oh, there's another one with no hands and no feet.
What do you think it is, Russians? Always the Russians.
How come the bodies are all so fat? They're full of water, Peter.
Is that why I'm so big? On account of the water? No, Peter.
You are aggressively obese.
You have no self-control.
If you don't change your ways, you are going to die prematurely.
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING) PETER: Oh, look, a lady! PRESTON: (SIGHS) Yes, Peter.
A lady.
Here's to my love.
Oh, true apothecary, thy drugs are quick.
Thus, with a kiss I die.
(GROANS) Oh, no, Romeo's dead.
Now he can't enjoy Ruth's Chris Steak House's Surf-and-Turf Two-for-One Fridays.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING) He did it.
The son of a bitch did it.

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