Family Guy s22e07 Episode Script

Snap(ple) Decision

It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
Good morning, family.
Now, as you all know,
since four minutes ago,
when I heard it on the radio,
it has been my lifelong dream
to compete in the St.
Philip's Greasy Pole Contest,
where shirtless men try to
climb across a greasy pole.
Come on, Chris, let's go.
Now, hold on, Peter, you promised
you'd run errands with me today.
You can't just bail 'cause you
heard of some fun new thing.
Lois, we both know I'm going to
the whatever-I-just-said thing.
Meg will fill in for me.
Ugh, fine.
All right, now, if you're
gonna be filling in for me,
you need to complete the online course.
Congratulations on being
picked to fill in for me
while I have a horse-around day.
Now, let's talk dos and
don'ts around the workplace.
Okay, let's see what you've learned.
Describe the difference
between a tunic and a shawl
in as much detail as possible.
Congratulations on being picked
Every year there's
some hotshot who thinks
they don't gotta watch the video.
Oh, no, I left my phone in the car.
Oh, weird. I forgot mine, too.
Should I run back and grab them?
- Oh, we don't need 'em.
- No, we do not.
I for one welcome the
lost art of conversation,
of which we are both ninjas, my friend.
Bah dah buh buh ba ♪
Bah dah buh buh da dah! ♪
So, how you doing, man?
All good. All good in the hood.
Anything new? What's new?
Same old, same old.
Life good? Family good?
Yep, living the dream.
D-R-E-A-M. No complaints.
Zero complaints.
Dylan, right? Your son. He good?
Most def.
Most def.
- Breaking news.
- I can't believe this.
I have a Samsung, so my
alert hasn't come in yet.
It's nice not being glued to our phones
like these sheeple, huh?
[MAN] There it is. Oh, my God.
Slaves to the screen.
Are we almost done?
I need to find Stewie's rash cream,
but if you're not having
fun, go get a squeeze
from the blood pressure machine.
That always perks me up.
Meg, oh, my God, it's crazy here.
Dad fell off the pole
and landed on his head,
and one of his eyes popped out.
We picked it up and jammed it back in,
but the pupil was on the other side.
I'm okay. Just got a little headache.
Also, Dad gave me a hard lemonade.
He's pretty out of it.
Total shocker, Chris and Dad are having
a very fun day.
They're not the only ones, huh?
Oh, I also need to return this loofah.
I mean, who was I
kidding? I'm a Dial bar
- smeared right on the skin gal.
- Of course.
Let me show you to the returns section.
[MORT] The Prestige.
Well, I guess Janet
forgave Robert for Jamaica.
- What are you talking about?
- The wedding's back on.
And Janet officially has no backbone.
What are you doing?
Um, eating a sandwich.
Brian Griffin, I ordered ramen for us.
We planned this last night.
We did? I don't I don't remember.
You were too drunk to remember?
I've been dying to try this place.
You said we could do it together.
- Stewie, it's not
Uh, ramen for Stewie and Brian?
Apparently it's just for Stewie.
- Everything okay?
- No, it's not!
Stewie, what the hell was that?
What happened to us?
I thought we were best friends.
We have nothing to say at brunch,
we don't listen to each
other, we forget plans we made.
By the way, the "we" in all this is you.
Don't be dramatic, Stewie, we're fine.
No, we're not. Best
friends talk about stuff.
I-I don't What do you want me to do?
If you're really
asking, I saw a therapist
on The Today Show talking about
the emergence of friendship therapy.
I think it could help us.
- No.
- [SIGHS] Fine.
- Oh, Brian, this is great.
It'll give us the fresh start we need.
Like when Tom Brady moved to Tampa Bay.
All right! Now I get to cheat in shorts.
I'm Peyton Manning, and
I approve this message.
So, yeah, this is how I
reload my purse with mom stuff.
- It's very important to always be prepared.
- Didn't ask.
Travel-size lotion, hand sanitizer,
Tic Tacs, so I can
skip brushing my teeth.
Dawg, you still gotta brush.
Oh, and mom hack 68:
Buy the $2.00 plastic rain bonnet.
They're made at the same factory
that makes the $9.00 ones.
Don't ask me how I know.
Oh, Meg, don't look for a sec.
Okay, it's safe.
Our treat for an epic errands day.
Big surprise, I didn't win.
Didn't win what?
Oh, my God, Meg, I won!
You're kidding. Mom, this is amazing.
Ah! I know, I can't believe it.
It's even more exciting than
the creation of Broccolini.
What is this new plant?
Let me ask you a question.
- Do you like broccoli?
- Not really.
Well, I think I just figured out
a way to make it harder to eat.
I can't believe you won ten grand.
I know. I wonder how soon I can get that
house water filtration system installed.
A couple weeks? A month?
- What is wrong with you?
- Wh-What do you mean?
You win a boatload of money,
and your first thought is
a water filtration system?!
How do you not blow your brains out?
Oh, these systems are very cool.
No, they're not! They're boring.
Everything you do is boring.
That's why we all want
to hang out with Dad.
Imagine what he'd do with ten grand.
Something super stupid
and selfish and awesome,
that's what.
- Dad's not the only fun one, you know.
- Uh-huh?
Oh, you don't believe me? Okay, okay.
Well, what if What
if we use the money
for something fun? For just us.
- Like what?
- Like going on a top-secret
- mother/daughter trip.
- Really?
Mom, that would be amazing.
Great. Now let's keep this same energy
while we take a quick
detour for my mammogram.
Whoo-hoo! Girls' trip!
How's it looking in there?
Well, it's probably nothing.
[WEAKLY] Ooh, girls' trip.
[MAN OVER P.A.] Final call
for Vacation Airlines flight
to Vacation Destination.
I can't believe we're
going on a secret trip.
This is so cool. What did you tell Dad?
Oh, pfft, he won't even know we're gone.
I got him his favorite babysitter.
Lois says we're allowed
to stay up past 9:00.
The note says 9:00.
Not if it's special.
And we're allowed to watch Beetlejuice.
The note specifically says
"no Beetlejuice."
I'm allowed to watch Coco,
and it's basically the same thing.
I'm Dr. Wagner. Please take a seat.
This is a test, right?
You're free to sit anywhere you like.
Yeah? This right?
There's no right or wrong.
Aha, you lost. You sat too quick.
Are you uncomfortable that
Brian had the confidence
- to choose a seat?
- Yes!
Brian one, Stewie zero.
Actually, Brian, this isn't a contest.
Yes. One to one.
Stewie, please sit.
I may just stand.
Oh, indecisive. Two to one.
Doc's going pen to
pad, and you gotta think
Stewie just evened up the score.
It does look like we have
an ocean-view suite available
for an extra $500 if you are interested.
You know what, yes, we'll take it.
The Snapple babes are living it up.
Very good.
So the room isn't quite ready.
Would you like to inconveniently
grab your swimsuits from your luggage
and use the pool while you wait?
Oh, that's okay, we'll
just buy new bathing suits
at the lobby store.
Snapple babes?
And for our survey,
how'd you hear about the resort?
That rich lady from the
news was murdered here.
Yep, that is what most people say.
Hey, Stewie, what are you watching?
- Uh, uh, The Gilded Age.
- Seriously?!
I couldn't wait, I'm sorry.
I'll watch it again with you tonight.
Oh, and have you stare
at me right before
something big happens? No way.
You know what, you know what, good.
I'll watch shows on my own, too.
I can finally watch
something after 7:00 p.m.
Dr. Wagner would want us to
play Big Problem, Small Problem.
A big problem is sometimes
a hospital problem.
A small problem is something like
your friend watches a show
I'm not listening to
this crap. This is stupid.
You feel like this is stupid?
Dr. Wagner says to use
"I feel" statements.
I feel like you are making up rules
Oh, Stewie's got the iPad.
Stewie, Daddy's just gonna take the iPad
into the bathroom, okay?
He took my Etch A Sketch.
[PETER] Siri, show me "busty Latinas."
Busty Latinas.
Can somebody reset the Wi-Fi?
- Have you decided?
- Yes.
We'd like two Lava Flows
in hollowed-out pineapples,
and sweet potato fries
in a hollowed-out coconut.
Any food or drink you bring us
should be inside a hollow fruit.
Excuse me, my son and I
couldn't help but notice
you ordered all your food
in hollowed-out fruit.
You must be very rich.
Oh, thanks for noticing.
So what are your names?
You can call us the Snapple babes.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, we're famous.
Well, maybe you can tell
us all about it over dinner.
Shall we say one of the three overpriced
hotel restaurants at 8:00?
- [CHUCKLES] We shall.
- See you then.
I forgot these are prescription,
but those are two smokin'-hot blobs.
So, last session I asked you each
to write a love song to your friendship.
Let's start with Brian.
Stewie, Stewie ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
Awesome guy. ♪
What the hell was that?
You couldn't be bothered
to spend five minutes
preparing something?
Like it matters. This is so stupid.
- You're stupid!
Guys, please.
Admit you exaggerate your accent.
Admit you wear shirts from
museums you've never been to.
This is ridiculous.
Your relationship is toxic.
You're not married,
you're not blood relatives.
Why continue?
In my entire career,
I have never given this
advice, but it is my opinion
that you should end this friendship.
- Fine by me.
- Makes my life easier.
Also, your insurance
card didn't go through,
and when I looked again I realized
it was a Robek's juice card.
You went to SUNY Albany.
You'll take it and like it.
Okay, this is a bartering culture,
so we have to haggle
over an amount of money
we wouldn't even pick up if
we dropped it on the ground.
[MEG] Mom, what are
they gonna do with us?
[LOIS] If you let my daughter go,
you can do whatever you want to me.
In the following order:
You, you, blond-arm-hair guy,
you two, maybe a quick lunch and shower,
then blond-arm-hair guy
again if he's into it.

[GASPS] You two?
Where are we?
It's a co-kidnapping space.
It used to be a WeWork.
Oh, I saw that documentary. Meh.
Sorry to interrupt.
Is there, like, a trick
to the Keurig machine?
Hey, man. Yeah, it's
probably just out of water.
God, there's nothing in here.
Where's the money?
Uh, I'd look in the lobby store.
Ah, guilty as charged. [LAUGHS]
No, but they do have fun stuff in there.
Shut up! The real money
will be the ransom, anyways.
We've never captured a
beverage heiress before.
What?! Who do you think we are?
We know you're the Snapple Family.
[LAUGHING] Oh, no.
This is a big misunderstanding.
We just won a Snapple contest,
then spent all the money.
[SCOFFS] You're worthless!
[KIDNAPPER] It was the water.
And do you, Janet, take
Robert to be your husband?
I do.
forgive you about Jamaica.
Brian, what are you doing here?
I should ask you that.
Can't believe you came,
knowing I'd be here.
Well, I'm not gonna punish Janet
for what happened between us.
Okay, but just keep your distance.
Fine, I get from the bar
to the bridesmaid having
a terse, ugly argument
with her boyfriend.
Okay, and I get from her
to the bald uncle looking around
before telling a racist joke.
So, how long we thinking
until Stewie makes this
whole event about him?
Ten minutes? Shall we put
a little cashish on it?
I just asked you to pass the butter.
I don't know who Stewie is.
Do yourself a favor, keep it that way.
I think we're supposed to sit
at the tables we were assigned.
Yeah, no, they said I
could kind of be a roamer.
[SNIFFS] Smells like butt.
Let me guess. Brian was just here?
- Who's Brian?
- I think that's the dog guy.
I thought this table was just
supposed to be Cornell people.
Oh, my God. Mom, we're gonna die.
Oh, no, we're not.
I have a plan.
Uh, hey, guys, you
know, if you're hungry,
I have a half a granola bar in my purse.
This purse is useless, just like you!
Huh. The good people
at T.J. Maxx may
disagree with you there.
- Huh?
- Good day.
- Good day.
BOTH MEN: Good day.
It was them in the
nine-dollar rain bonnets!
Told you these look
like the expensive ones.
Never mess with a mom.
Meg, help me tie up their hands
with these extremely long CVS receipts.
Why did you save these?
Oh, there's a carpet-cleaning coupon
on the back that I'm curious about.
I'd like to invite all the single ladies
to the dance floor!
How about the single fellas?
Now, some slowly-building
emotional music
for estranged friends
to look at each other
and regret their rift!
Ah. What are we doing?
Hey, I, uh, have a toast.
You know, sometimes, against all odds,
two people find each other
in this crazy place we call "Earth."
Sure, they might have problems,
and they might not always
agree with each other,
and a therapist may even tell
them they shouldn't be friends.
But what I realized is
I don't want a friend
I can get along with.
I can get along with anybody.
[MAN] Table two hates you, dude!
I want a friend who I can laugh
with because they also noticed
that no one else is drinking cream soda,
which means the guy in
jeans brought it from home.
I knew they wouldn't have it!
I want a friend
who will publicly
shame a mom-and-pop cafe
for having slightly too few
blueberries in their muffin.
[STEWIE] Call it something else,
'cause it ain't a blueberry muffin.
Stewie, this is for you.
Stewie, Stewie ♪
Oh, yeah, you're my best friend! ♪
He did the work.
Stewie, I'd rather be
toxic and unhealthy together
than toxic and unhealthy apart.
Me, too, Bri. Let's
be best friends again.
What do you say we hit the photo booth
and take a couple of funny photos?
I've heard they have hilarious props.
- No props.
- Yeah, no props, yeah.
[CLEVELAND] But Stewie did use props,
and they had a big fight about it,
and it took a whole other wedding
for them to make up again.
I'm Cleveland Brown,
and I know my show was better than this.
I can't believe we made it home safe.
It was so lucky you had all
that stuff in your purse.
Oh, sweetie, luck had
nothing to do with it.
I'm a mom, and moms have
to be prepared for anything.
I really wanted to show
you I could be fun like Dad,
but look where that got us.
At the end of the day,
someone's got to be the
responsible one here.
I guess you're right, Mom.
I mean, we all love your
father's water balloon fights,
but someone's got to pick up
all the tiny balloon pieces
from the grass.
That's my role, and it's fine.
Do you think someday I'll be a boring,
taken-for-granted wife and mom?
Oh, I think you're well
on your way, sweetheart.
Oh. How was he?
Fine, but let's just say
there's the exact same number
of carrots as when you left.
Well, that sounds about right.
He also said you said
yogurt-covered pretzels
are a healthy snack.
- [PETER] You did say that!
- Compared to Cheetos, they are.
- You just said it again!
- Here are your waffles.
- Thanks so much.
Yay, that was quick.
Can I grab anything else for you?
- No, this is great!
- Cheat day!

Previous EpisodeNext Episode