Family Guy s22e15 Episode Script

Faith No More

It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
So, Brian's checkup went very well.
He only bit me eight times
while I tried to brush his teeth.
Wonderful. And does he have
the red, hairless undercarriage
- of an older dog?
- He sure does.
He's the Jason Alexander
of hairless scroti.
And you know, if you're interested,
we're doing a 50% off promotion
on our new, state-of-the-art
tracking chip.
It connects to an app that
will monitor Brian's vitals
and even has a Bluetooth speaker
so you can play songs through him.
Awesome! I'm gonna blast Ed Sheeran
right through his stomach.
That'll really showcase
my milquetoast personality
and lack of masculine vigor.
Great. I'll introduce you to our nurse
who handles the procedure.
Hi, I'm Emma.
And don't worry, I'm wearing
scrubs that hide my tattoos
to give you confidence.
Terrific. And now, like in
every hospital situation,
I'll depart and a woman
will do the actual work.
Okay, we're almost done.
And you're all set.
[PETER] Yeah! Playin' Ed
Sheeran through my dog!
I'm like a cool dentist!
Wow, I barely felt
that. You're very gentle.
[CHUCKLES] Thanks. I love animals.
It's why I do this.
I even pride myself on being
able to find every dog's spot,
right behind the ears.
Well, maybe you can find mine sometime.
I'd be tempted to ask you to coffee,
but I'm sure a girl like you
is already seeing someone.
I wish. Guys don't want a girlfriend
who comes home smelling like dog pee.
I'm practically a fire hydrant.
Is-is, uh, is, uh, is that right?
Yeah, and my car's so filthy.
I need someone to stick
their head out the window
to help navigate.
H-Head head out the window?
To be honest, all I like
to do is play tennis,
but I'm not even that good.
I keep hitting the balls over the fence
and have no one to retrieve them
Hey, hey, babe? Babe? I'm in.
Well, I'm going to a
concert this Friday.
Want to come? It's at Quahog Church.
Church? So, is it, uh, Christian rock?
Yeah. I'm an evangelical Christian.
Is that a problem?
- Well, I-I'm not really a big fan of
- There's your spot.
Sorry, I interrupted
you. You were saying?
I-I why, just that I'm not
a big fan of anything, but Jesus!
He's the best! [CHUCKLES]
Well, him and whoever fired Bob Barker.
Neuter yourself, dick.
I know, what a jerk.
Wasn't he also accused
of sexual harassment?
Yeah, yeah, yeah
The dog stuff though, you know, come on.
[TV ANNOUNCER] We now return
to The Italian Tony Awards.
Hey, I'm Tony, and for
the 30th year in a row,
the best musical is the only
one that I've seen, Cats.
[AUDIENCE MEMBER] Hey, you hear that?
Tony likes a musical.
Eh, pipe down, boombots.
Everybody knows in high
school you had an earring.
All right, I'm going out.
I'll see you guys later.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
W-What's that around your neck?
Well, I, uh, I may have a
date with a Christian girl.
Huh. Must be hard for you not to bite
what's essentially two crossed sticks.
Oh, my God, it's so hard.
It's literally all I can think about.
But I-I really like
this girl, you know?
She's perfect in every other way.
I don't know, Bri. You really think
you can convince her you're Christian?
Oh, you're good.
Hello, evangelicals!
Who out there is boring?
We are!
That's right! And before we start,
I'd like to say a special hello
to our only Black audience member,
who's in the front row,
so he's caught on all the camera shots.
Wow. Look at all our diversity.
Can you believe most
people think us evangelicals
are a bunch of nerdy losers?
No. Come on.
Seriously, it's true.
Hey, I-I don't normally do this,
but what do you say we go
back to my place after this
and get a little crazy?
- Really?
- Yeah.
We'll eat sherbet and watch
funny State Farm commercials.
Uh, okay, and, and then we'll have sex?
Sex? Brian, I'm Christian.
And no good Christian believes
in sex before marriage,
except for every minister or
politician you've ever heard of.
But-but you scratched my
spot. Y-You have tattoos.
Yeah. Of Bible verses.
[SIGHS] Brian, I think you should leave.
Well, fine. And frankly,
I've been wanting to do this all night.
- My Jesus! Mine!
Hey, you can't do that to our savior.
- Okay, okay, your savior. Your savior.
[ANNOUNCER] We now return
to a show about incest.
- Gross.
- Set 500 years ago.
Ooh, sexy. I feel so sophisticated.
Christianity sucks.
It's stupid, arbitrary nonsense.
You're horny and she
wouldn't have sex with you.
No. And I did everything right.
I even researched abortion clinics
in case the condom broke.
Yeah, no, I know. It's
in your Twitter bio.
Fine, but look around.
So much of the division and
hatred in today's society
comes from Christianity.
And it's so hypocritical.
I mean, they all vote for
Trump, even though he's divorced.
That's all you've got on Trump?
Christianity is also
anti-science, anti-freedom
Come on, it's not all bad.
I mean, I have a Swarthy Men
of Nazareth advent calendar
with doors opening for all 25 days.
Talk about the "stars"
of Bethlehem, hey, Bri?
Whatever. Christianity
is the worst thing
that ever happened to
this country. Or the world.
Well, perhaps. But it's
been around for 2,000 years,
so it's not like there's
anything you can do about it.
Well, I'm going to bed.
I'll leave you to watch John Oliver
and agree with yourself.
Good. Love John Oliver.
He's a louder Jon Stewart.
[JOHN OLIVER] Blimey, guv'na.
Republicans are bollocks.
God, the British are smart.
But, man, if only I could
get rid of Christianity.
If only I could go back in time
and stop it from ever taking root.
Wait a minute, I can.
[WEST] Sounds like Brian is fixin'
to use Stewie's time machine.
[SPED UP] I'm Mayor West,
and my voice was sped up
because the show ran too long.
machine is password-protected.
To enter, state name.
Uh, uh, Stewie Griffin.
To prove you're Stewie Griffin,
what is your favorite Lizzo song?
Uh, the one about pride and, uh,
being a a-a big girl?
- Correct.
Perfect. Ancient Israel.
And I know my worth ♪
What the hell?
Has anyone seen Brian?
I want to shred it to Lizzo.
Oh, yeah, I'm that bitch.
- Am I ready? ♪
- Ready to go ♪
Am I ready? ♪
Uh, excuse me? I-I'm
looking for a rail-thin guy
with long hair and sandals.
Buddy, you're gonna
have to be more specific.
Uh, his name is Jesus. Jesus Christ.
You mean the guy who showed
his wiener on a dare at camp?
Tha-That's-that's what he's known for?
Yeah, he lives about
M-M-L-X-V-I paces that way.
- What?
- Don't listen to him.
He's Roman. I'm Egyptian,
and I can tell you,
Jesus lives four cat heads and
three squiggly lines that way.
No, no, no, these guys are jokers.
I'm Greek, and I can tell
you he's 30 thetas that way.
You go 31 thetas, you stop,
because that's too many thetas.
- Brian, there you are.
- Stewie?
- How the hell did you find me?
- You're chipped.
Wow, that's a good chip.
Look, I'm sorry I used the
time machine without asking,
but I came here to stop Jesus
from starting Christianity.
What? Come on, you know the rules.
You can't change the past.
Even the smallest
interaction with someone
from another time period can alter
Oh, my God, that's December
8th from the calendar!
I have to interact with him.
I thought you said we
couldn't change the past.
Uh, yeah, just try to
keep it close, all right?
Just keep it close, Bri. You got this.
You got this. I trust you, bro.
"Spicy meatball delights patron."
Ugh, no one reports real news anymore.
All right, found you.
Now it's time to take you down.
Behold. As my wedding gift,
I turn this water into wine.
- All right!
- Amazing!
And I brought hard
seltzer and a photo booth.
- Yeah, that's even better!
Hard seltzer has less calories.
And now there's an activity for
people who don't like to dance.
Then, uh, I-I also
brought a guest book,
so everyone can leave a fun note
for the bride and groom.
Okay, fine, a photo booth is better.
Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
[BRIAN] Hey, Jesus.
Nice mount.
He's on a higher hill,
which shows more confidence.
You again? What the
hell is your problem?
Me? What the hell is your problem?
You're always telling
everyone what to do and think.
You think I want to do this stuff?
I only do it because my dad makes me.
Wait, Joseph makes you do this?
No, my real dad.
When I was younger, Joseph
took a paternity test.
We have the results, and, Joseph,
you are not the father.
Yes! Yes! Yes! I knew it! I knew it!
[AUDIENCE] Maury! Maury! Maury!
So, anyway, yeah, all this
messiah stuff is my dad's thing.
Hi, I have a hummus plate for Jesus?
Oh, cool.
Okay, I guess it's for both of us.
Well, if you don't want to be a
messiah, what do you want to do?
Honestly, I want to
be a stand-up comedian.
- Really?
- Yeah. Like my friend Jackie the Mason
or Lewis the Blacksmith
or Chris the Rock-Piler.
You know, we can ask
for another menu if
Yeah, I'm not that hungry.
So, why didn't you do comedy, then?
I guess I never had the confidence.
I couldn't even come up with jokes.
- Yikes. Check out Julius Sneezer over there.
Ha! Totally.
Hey, you know, that's pretty funny.
What was? That comment?
Whoa. Who Sepharted?
Ha! Hey, you know, I think you
should give comedy another shot.
Come on, does anyone really
want to watch a Jewish guy
make snarky observations?
I-I think, uh, that a lot of
people would enjoy that, yes.
Huh. Then maybe I
should try comedy again.
Only thing is, I'd
have to talk to my dad.

Wow, I went to a party
in this city called Sodom.
Have you heard of this place? [WHISTLES]
So, how's your plan going?
Uh, not great so far.
A comedian?
How could you do this to your mother?
- What's next?
You don't want to marry
your very close cousin?
Of course not. In fact, right now
I'm weirdly seeing a prostitute
with the same name as Mom.
Come on, Dad, comedy is my dream.
Well, why couldn't you have
told me about your dream
before I paid for ancient Brandeis?
You made me go there.
You know, nothing I do is
ever good enough for you.
Why don't you just say it? You hate me.
And you wish I had
died in the Punic Wars
instead of my brother Greg.
That's not true! I
love you both equally!
Then why won't you touch his room?
You stay out of Greg's room!
I have to do something.
It's God. How could you
possibly change his mind?
You will never do stand-up
comedy. I forbid it.
Wait. What's that sound?
People smile and tell
me I'm the lucky one ♪
And we've just begun ♪
Think I'm gonna have a son ♪
That's really good sound quality.
- Yeah, it's the new iPhone.
- You got a new one?
We agreed to update at the end
of the year, as Christmas gifts.
Well, I was in the mall
and I saw a promotion.
You didn't tell me about this promotion.
Oh, I-I'm sorry, I didn't
realize I had to tell you
every [BLEEP] thought
that comes into my head.
Okay, there we go,
Brian makes a mistake,
so instead of apologizing,
he lashes out with hostility.
And Stewie's a victim.
There's a big surprise.
I'm a victim because you
constantly screw me over.
You know what? Now I wish I
hadn't even played this song.
I wish I hadn't even come back in time.
Because I can't do anything
without you making it about yourself.
God, I regret our friendship.
You are a catastrophe of a human.
Oh, hey, they made up.
Tell me everything's
gonna be all right. ♪
Well, it's great to
be here in Rome, folks.
Uh, you know, I heard
that the, uh, Roman Senate
just voted to build
more cobblestone streets.
Great. Do my balls get a vote?
And how about that Caesar,
huh? Gotta love Caesar.
Great salad, great haircut,
and loves cutting women's bellies open.
Look at him there, in
the Caesarian section.
They're laughing their ass off.
I do. I do love that.
And you know what they
say, "When in Rome."
Well, based on my one day here so far,
I guess that means I should
be pooping in the street.
He's right. That is a problem here.
But seriously, folks, Rome
sure beats anywhere else.
You guys follow politics?
'Cause it seems like they've
made a real mess of Potamia.
But don't fret, folks, it's
not all bad news out there.
You know how there are
seven wonders of the world?
Well, turns out they
just found an eighth.
A Galatian who paid his bar tab.
- Galatia is our rival.
But enough about politics.
Let me tell you a little bit about me.
- So, my dad's God.
Thank you, thank you.
And growing up, he taught
me all about carpentry. Yeah.
Uh, I guess he thought teenage boys
should spend more time rubbing wood.
And my mom's a virgin.
That's fun. Uh, yeah,
when I was a teenager, I
had to give her the talk.
Wow, he's killing it.
Yeah, I bet he plays everywhere now.
He's gonna be huge.
- What happened?
- He told a joke
about Assyrians on a college campus.
Oh, yeah, you can't do that anymore.
This first millennial
generation is very sensitive.
- Clearly.
- All right, don't make it obvious,
but get a picture of me with him.
- Do one more.
- Stewie, we're done.
Mission accomplished and
Christianity never happened,
so I'm pretty sure the present
will be just how I want it.
[PETER] Hi, Peter here.
If you've seen our time
travel episodes before,
you know that can't
possibly be the case.
I can't tell you what's
going to happen, though,
because the network
needs you to stick around
through the Del Taco ads.
You know, if you bought
all the ingredients
for tacos yourself, it
would cost like 40 bucks,
but somehow, at Del Taco,
you can buy one for 80 cents.
- Damn it.
- What? What's wrong?
Every time I enter into a new reality,
I'm hoping my room has wainscoting.
[SIGHS] But I guess it's more boring,
single-textured walls for Stewie.
Wow, so far, without Christianity,
everything looks the same.
Morning, Brian. Hey,
where's your yarmulke?
Uh, what?
Morning, Doctor Son.
Morning, Doctor Dad.
Morning, Doctor Wife.
Morning, Doctor Husband.
Oh, my God. They're all Jewish.
Whoa. Listen to your tone.
No, no, no. No tone at all.
Because Christianity never happened,
Judaism became the dominant faith,
and I have zero problem with that.
Why, do you have a problem?
No, I don't have a problem. Far from it.
What the yidle-diddle-diddle-
Well, I'm off to school in
my regular-star necklace.
I'm leaving, too.
Mom, Dad, I need some new clothes.
Is it okay if I stop at
Ross Dress for the Same
Price as Everywhere Else?
Of course, honey. Ooh, and maybe tonight
we can all go see
that new movie starring
Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller and
half of Scarlett Johansson.
Huh. So, you think
everyone is Jewish now?
Morning, Griffins.
It's me, your neighbor,
Sammy Davis Brown Jr.
I suppose so.
Wow, I guess a lot of
history has changed now.
No World War II, no
conflict in the Middle East.
Hell, there was even a Jewish Columbus.
We did it. We discovered
New York, Miami,
and Filene's Basement.
[ALL] Yay!
[CHANTING] Slacks,
slacks, slacks, slacks!
Lot more sweater shops in this reality.
Yeah, and there's a billboard
for The Normal Mrs. Maisel.
Ah, here we are.
Shalom, Brian.
Boy, this town has good medical care.
Are you sure I'm allowed to be in here?
Yeah, without Christianity,
there are no arbitrary
rules about age limits.
Hey, you guys hear the new joke?
A rabbi, a rabbi, and
a rabbi walk into a bar
and split a seltzer.
It's free refills.
Why pay for three?
All right, what does everyone
want to hear on the jukebox?
They've got "Sweet Caroline,"
"Sweet Caroline Remix,"
and "Sweet Caroline A Cappella."
Shalom, boys.
Uh, shalom. How are you?
Not good. I'm allergic to my horse.
Hey, Bri, I got the remote.
Let's see what television is like.
the Channel Five News,
brought to you by
Kentucky Boiled Chicken.
Kentucky Boiled Chicken:
All herbs, no spices 'cause
you already burp enough.
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker
and welcome to Channel Five,
where, as always, 80% of
our news is the weather.
But first, with sports,
here's my brother Lenny,
who my mom forced me to hire.
I-I'm sorry, Tom,
I didn't have time to check the scores.
Well, there's a friggin' shocker, folks.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Afternoon, Brian.
Hey, Mort. Uh, why
is your voice so deep?
Why shouldn't it be?
Millennia of not running from people
has made me remarkably
confident and relaxed.
You know, I like Jewish Quahog.
Yeah, we did a good thing, Stewie.
A Jewish world is much
better than a Christian one.
There are no absurd, stifling
rules driving everyone crazy.
There you guys are.
It's almost sundown, so
let's turn off our devices
- and walk three miles to temple.
- What?
Ha! You were saying, Brian?
We have to go back in time
and stop Moses from receiving
the Ten Commandments.
That way, neither Judaism nor
Christianity will ever exist.
On it.
- Done.
- How'd you do that so fast?
I gave Moses 20 bucks to walk away.
And before you say anything,
that was a lot of money back then.
Anyone would have done it.
Happy November 25th.
Only 30 shopping days till nothing.
Brian, it worked.
That's only half the story, Stewie.
Let's make sure.
Hey, guys? Who does Mel Gibson hate?
Uh, all of his ex-wives,
but no generalized group.
It did work. Finally, a world with
no religion, no prejudices,
no irrationalities.
- Just science-based reason.
Package for Brian and Stewie?
Yeah, that's us.
What did you do, you little twerps?
- Oh, my God. God!
- Fix it. Fix it.
- Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. Fix it.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow!
It was his idea! It's
not even my machine!
You don't think Einstein and
Carl Sagan tried this crap?
I had to send them to Noogie City.
Is that where you want to live?
Noogie City? Huh? 'Cause
I can take you there.
I got the keys, hoss.
Is this all religion is?
Threatening to noogie people
if they dare to think for themselves?
Yes. I'm basically Biff
from Back to the Future,
and you're all George McFly.
All right, I got to take
a picture of the package
on your doorstep, or
they don't believe me.
You're really a delivery man?
Yeah. No collection plate.
I got to pay for Dish Network somehow.
Oh, boy, we really messed with this guy.
I guess we should go fix it, Brian.
You know what? No.
A world without religion
is a world that values
reason and logic to better
the world for everyone.
And I'm not gonna let
some two-bit boomer
yeah, you heard me tell us otherwise.
Christ the royal master ♪
Leads against the foe. ♪
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