Family Guy s23e00 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy ♪
Dear Santa, I hope this letter
finds you and the missus well.
Saw some recent pics,
and can I just say,
you are working those red pants, king.
You see, Rupert, you don't just
jump right into the request.
It takes a deft hand and tact.
I demand the blouse Timothee
Chalamet is wearing in this photo.
I don't know where it's
from, but you're Santa,
I trust you'll figure it out.
I would start at Balenciaga,
but I'm not telling
you how to do your job.
- Hi, Stewie.
- Hey, Can you knock?
This isn't stall three at
the LaGuardia men's room.
[SIGHS]
- What are you doing?
- I'm writing a letter to Santa.
You know, writing?
What you pretend to do at Starbucks.
Well, I don't know if you should
expect too much for Christmas,
considering you're definitely
on the naughty list.
Oh, Brian the old Stewie
was on the naughty list.
I haven't tried to kill Lois
for I don't know how long.
Letting your mother live, that's nice.
Stewie, you do a lot of
things that aren't nice
besides trying to kill your mom.
Oh, yeah? Name one.
You lured Chris to a remote cabin
and tried to drown him, because
he used to sleep with Rupert.
Crime of passion. No jury would convict.
You cut the course at that 5k.
You can go through a gas
station if it's on a corner.
You didn't see Wakanda Forever
in the theater on opening weekend.
I was still afraid of Covid.
Not too afraid for JLo's Marry Me.
Brian, I was the only
one in that theater.
Well, I don't know. Did you get a
"save the date" for December 25 yet?
No.
Maybe it went to my spam folder?
No, these are like Adam Schiff emails.
They go right to your inbox.
I'm sorry, Stewie, but it's looking
like you're on the naughty list.
This is bad.
I need to turn this
around before Christmas.
I think it's a little
late in the game for that.
Lots of people do things last
minute at Christmas, Brian.
Jesus is gonna love my gift.
- Mine, too.
- Yeah. Yeah, me too.
Hey, guys, I'm just going to,
like, pull in here for a minute,
just just to see if they
have a bathroom and whatnot.
Good morning, employees.
I have an exciting announcement.
For our workplace holiday festivities,
the brewery will partake in
an office-wide white elephant.
- Where's Angela?
- Dead.
For those unfamiliar with the rules
of a white elephant gift exchange,
I've asked gangly Judiah, Jeff
Goldblum, to explain it to you.
Yes, yes, yes.
Welcome. Greetings and salutations.
Yes, yes, yes.
White elephant.
Oh!
'Tis the season.
Ho ho ho!
Merry, merry, Mary
Steenburgen the Bergen Mary.
Yes. Yes.
[PLAYING PIANO]
Oh, ivories, tickle, tickle.
Guchie Goo.
Mr. Steinway, please meet Mr. Gershwin.
I've got rhythm ♪
I've got music ♪
There's ten more hours of that
available on the company's website.
Is this a mandatory
participation sort of thing?
Statistically, white elephants
are the best time to poop,
because the bathroom's empty due to
everyone being at the white elephant.
Yes, everyone must participate.
And candidly, your
evaluation for the year
largely hinges on it.
Lastly, I'd like to remind you all
that sex toys are not
an appropriate gift.
No matter how many times I say it,
each year, there's always one.
Forget sex toys.
Need I remind you, that's how Keith
from accounting got his guitar.
My life's been a living hell ever since.
- [DOOR BANGS OPEN]
- Somebody say Keith?
Oh, and look here,
brought my buddy with me,
and I think he has something to say.
Here comes the back story.
You know, last year I looked
into a telescope in the Southwest,
changed my life forever.
This song is called
"Are they out there?"
And it's an original.
Obviously.
[CHRISTMASSY MUSIC PLAYING]
I got your text. What's so urgent?
Did your Google alert for
"David Beckham divorce" go off?
No, but it will. Tom
and Gisele's breakup
really sent a shockwave
through that tier of hotness.
Help me carry my weapons to the trash.
This is the end of evil Stewie, Bri.
I'm breaking good.
Stewie, I think you
might be overreacting
to this naughty and nice stuff.
No, no, Brian. You pointed
it out and you were right.
I'm in your debt.
Are these guns from Rick and Morty?
Yeah, they had kind of
a fire sale over there.
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
God, this one's full of your diapers.
Those aren't mine. Look
at the size of them.
If they're not yours,
then whose are they?
[PETER CLEARS THROAT]
It would behoove you, gentlemen,
never to mention this again.
[TV HOST] We now return
to Dancing with the Stars,
where stars is in heavy air quotes.
Dancing the foxtrot with her
partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy,
it's Octo-Mom's seventh child,
whose name is not important.
Okay, who wants to help
me decorate the tree?
We've got loads of time for that.
No, we don't. It's already an
unspecified date in December.
Unspecified date in December?
That means the white
elephant's tomorrow.
All right, Peter, calm down.
You're not the first guy to save
Christmas shopping for the last minute.
Wow.
Uh What is it?
Oh, oh, it's myrrh.
It's a gum resin extracted from
a number of small, thorny trees.
Oh, dude, I'm obsessed with gum resin.
Nice.
Okay. I guess this is my
birthday and Christmas present.
There's got to be something in
here I can wrap and give away.
Kodak disk camera? Dead Dad's shoes?
Tiny cardboard box? That's perfect.
There's something inside. Even better.
This could work. But what if
Rebecca from sales gets it?
It needs to be special without
seeming like I tried too hard.
And it needs to say, "maybe
there's something more to this"
without being psychotic.
Maybe I'll get her a noose
with a card that says,
"Don't make me hang out alone."
Nah, I'll do the brooch.
Save the noose for Valentine's.
Welcome to the office holiday party.
Aka, the time of year,
where you're required
to use your lunch break
to socialize with
people you see every day.
Stella, you drew first
for the white elephant.
So, you're up.
Brad Garrett book.
[MAN] The foreward's by Doris
Roberts, God rest her soul.
And we're off. My turn.
What a stunning brooch. I love it.
[PHONE DINGS]
Griffin. It's your turn.
All right, Peter. No matter
what the next item is,
you gotta get Lois's
brooch back. No matter what.
Oh, cool. It's a Jeff Goldblum Cameo.
Yoink! I'll be taking that.
It's your friend, Goldblum, here.
The bloom on the rose,
a kiss from a rose.
Seal from Batman, 1990s, yes, yes.
Here, wishing you a happy hump day.
Yes. Happy.
Happy?
Yes. Yes.
I'll be spending my hump day
having thinner legs than my wife.
[CHUCKLES]
He just kept going till his phone died.
Good morning, family.
Ho, ho, how's everybody doing?
Chris, have you lost weight?
I've put on five pounds since yesterday.
You wear it well.
Brian, loving the antlers
you put on your Prius.
Lot of personality.
And Meg, wow, you look
like one of your three
rashes is clearing up nicely.
Stewie, this is so transparent.
Transparent or not, I'm going to get off
the old naughty list
one good deed at a time.
Just this morning, I gave
a huge tip at Starbucks.
Wow, a thousand dollars. Thanks.
So how's it going to change your life?
Oh, it's not. I'm the CEO of
Starbucks doing an Undercover Boss.
This is going straight to union busting.
Oh. Well, then, fine.
I'm going to start going to Coffee Bean.
- No, you're not.
- I'm not.
Get used to it, Bri.
The new nice Stewie is here to stay.
You hear that, Santa?
Oop! I'm late for my shift
volunteering at the animal shelter
for pets Ellen DeGeneres gave away.
Peter, I still haven't found
my special Christmas tree brooch.
Have you checked the bottom of the ocean
like that old lady who threw
it around on the Titanic?
It's the brooch I've
had since childhood.
Not ringing any bells.
And her name was Rose.
Oh, my God, that was Rose.
That was the same as the lady.
I got to rewatch that.
When I was little, I had a serious
case of pneumonia that almost killed me.
But on December 24th,
as I lay sick in bed,
my mother pinned a Christmas
tree brooch on my nightgown
and I felt my lungs strengthen
with each breath I took.
That brooch gave me life.
It's the most special possession I own,
and I wanted to wear it tonight
to your boss's holiday party.
Can't you just get a
new one at HomeGoods
or one or the other
Cheap Lady Chaos stores?
[ALL SCREAMING AND YELLING]
Hi. I'm looking for a chandelier
and some bean soup mix.
Every aisle. That's every aisle.
[BAND PLAYING JINGLE BELLS]
I'm so glad you're here,
because you want to be,
and not because I'm your boss.
Please, grab a drink
and enjoy yourselves.
Do you want to say hi to
any of your work friends?
I had the severance procedure done,
so I wouldn't recognize any
of these losers off the clock.
- [PETER GASPS]
- What? What is it?
Uh I heard the CEO
of Bed Bath and Beyond
signed Preston's shower door.
Uh Susan E. Gove? Are you [BLEEP] me?
Mrs. Lloyd, you're
looking lovely tonight.
What a beautiful brooch.
You think I could see it for a moment
and walk out of the room with it?
My Preston gave this to me
as an early Christmas present.
I do a really funny granny character.
Can I borrow your sweater for it?
No, thank you. I don't like comedy.
Griffin, I see you've met Widow Lloyd.
Oh, I'm so sorry your dad died.
He didn't. Her first name is Widow.
Mother, may I have this dance?
Damn it! How the hell am I
gonna get that thing back?
Don't worry. You'll
get it. You always do.
Aw. Thanks, moose.
Say, is that pill you found
outside doing anything yet?
Not yet, moose.
Not yet.
Hey, Stewie. You busy?
Well, it is our anniversary.
But of course, I've always
got time for a friend.
Thanks. I just smoked a joint,
and I'd like to run a few
philosophical notions by you.
[GRIMACING] Why, nothing
would make me happier.
Good, good. Did you know
stars are in the past?
We're starting with stars?
Look around, the world's
so damn Orwellian.
You're not going anywhere.
My point is, I think sound
could be faster than light.
Hello! Now turn on the light.
[PHONE VIBRATING]
Oh, crap. My Postmate called
me six times. I gotta go.
Hi, is this Ilyam? You
know what? I'll come out.
What tan $6000 car are you driving?
Okay. If I follow him long enough,
there's bound to be an opportunity
to swipe Lois's brooch back.
Do you have eyes on the target? Over.
[STEWIE] Whoever this is,
you've stolen my walkie talkie.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
I'll never get past the guards.
God, the Fox News must
be so loud in there.
[WOMAN ON TV] Transgender
immigrants are dropping sexy M&Ms
from Chinese balloons.
This is worth being
disowned by my family.
So in conclusion, Santa,
I think you can see
my remorse is genuine,
and I believe I'm ready
to re-enter society
and find my earned place
back on the nice list.
Sincerely, Stewie Griffin.
Dictated, not read.
Read that back to me.
Mom, I found something
weird in the driveway
next to one of Dad's giant diapers.
[PETER] It would behoove you
[GASPS] My vaporizer.
Meg, give that to me.
Get off me, Stewie!
- Meg, that's not a toy.
- [GRUNTING]
Oh, no, Meg! No!
I hope Santa doesn't hear about this.
Excuse me, sir.
Busy, busy, busy.
I'll come back.
This is really great, man.
Just so stiff carrying
this full sack around.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah. Toys are getting heavy.
[SIGHS]
- What's your name again?
- Derek.
Okay. I just want to know
who not to ask for next time.
That's Meg, all right.
I can still smell the
bowling alley calzone.
Brian, if Santa discovers this,
there's no way I'll make the nice list.
Who cares about that? Meg's dead.
Yeah, yeah.
When do you think the cutoff
is for this year's list?
Like, he's got to be on
the road already, right?
- Stewie!
- I know this is bad.
I'll figure something out.
Okay, and I'll stand here to make sure
Lois doesn't vacuum
up this pile of dust.
[CHUCKLES] I think
we're okay there, Bri.
Anybody got any Christmas Eve plans?
I'm gonna just hang
around bar parking lots,
looking for crying women
like most Christmas Eves.
As a mailman in the holiday season,
I have to uncomfortably linger for tips.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Bonnie's in Cabo with her hot nephew
I can't figure out how she's related to.
[LAUGHS] Bears no resemblance.
She won't tell me his last name,
and I don't think he owns a shirt.
What about you, Peter?
Got any fun Christmas Eve plans?
Well, actually, fellas, I
could really use your help.
I need to break into
the room of a woman.
- Giggity.
- In a nursing home.
Potentially giggity.
To steal a piece of jewelry.
Not giggity, but by the rule
of three giggities, I'm in.
Oh, Meg, thank God Stewie figured out
how to put you back together.
Ta da! Pretty convincing, right?
Stewie, God, what are you doing?
I think it's pretty self-explanatory.
Passing myself off as my older sister,
since I've vaporized
her into a pile of dust.
Why are you wearing a dress?
Meg never wore a dress.
I haven't changed yet.
And it's a kaftan, you philistine.
You're just in time.
I'm auditioning new Megs.
These are all guys.
Yeah. So?
[BRIAN WHISPERING]
Oh, my stars.
Well, that's too bad.
Kevin Smith came close.
If we ever get Meg back, she
should wear hockey jerseys.
Okay. First, we gotta get
past the security guards.
I'll distract them with seduction.
Then we gotta get past
the front desk ladies,
I'll distract them with seduction.
Then we gotta get past the orderlies.
I'll also distract them with seduction.
I think you're overestimating
your seduction skills.
Jackie, this intoxicatingly
seductive gentleman
and his three friends
are here to see you.
I stand corrected.
- May I help you?
- Yes.
- We're here to spray the urine aroma.
- Oh, okay.
You know, I thought I was
smelling other things than urine.
Sounds like we're here
just in the nick of time.
I assure you, when we're
done, it'll all be urine.
This really was not as hard
as you made it out to be.
Okay, let's just get out of here
and not put on her glaucoma sunglasses
to look like terminators.
The burning's gone.
- Is this what eyes are supposed to feel like?
- Peter, take those off.
Oh, my God.
You got all black, tiny
little Barney Rubble eyes.
Peter, when's the last time
you got your eyes checked?
I thought if you
shampoo them every night,
you didn't have to get them checked.
Dear Santa, just to remind you,
I've been a perfect angel this year
and deserve lots and lots of presents.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
No. You know what? I've
vaporized my sister.
I mean, her finger was on the trigger,
but let's not get in the weeds about it.
I know you'd expect
the old me to joke about
how gross and annoying she is.
And how this could be
seen as a good deed.
But the honest truth is,
I looked at her stocking,
the music swelled, and
now I miss her terribly.
As I look over my list
of presents I want,
I realize I don't need any of them.
I'd trade them all to
have my sister back.
Santa, please.
My only wish is for Meg
to be returned safely.
I don't need anything else this year.
That's not naughty. That's adorable.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC SWELLS]
[GASPS]
Meg, you're back.
Yeah. I don't know what
happened last night,
but I had a pretty crazy dream.
And I woke up hogtied
under the Christmas tree.
Ugh! I should probably lay
off the nogg next year, huh?
You must have a lot of questions.
Meh. As long as I get
a bowling alley calzone,
I'm straight.
I don't believe it.
It's a Christmas miracle.
It's also the first night of Hanukkah.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Are her Her legs on backwards?
Yeah. Close enough. Rush
job. Busy night for Santa.
Move! Move! Move!
Yay! A stick.
I think that's for Brian.
Oh.
Lois, I got you something special.
I know you've been missing this.
[GASPS] My Christmas brooch.
Where did you find this?
I could lie, but I'm
gonna tell you the truth.
- Under the couch pillow.
- Peter.
I gave it away at a
white elephant at work
and my boss gave it
to his elderly mother,
and I snuck into a nursing home
with the guys to steal it back.
So your Christmas gift to your wife
is something that she already owned.
I also got you a mouse pad that says
"World's Greatest Mom."
Peter, I have a laptop.
That's fine, because
I didn't really get it.
Oh, Peter.
The important thing is,
we've run out of time
for me to be annoyed.
Morning-breath kiss
in front of the kids?
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
Merry Christmas.
And no one use the
credit card until June.
You know, Peter, it seems like
everyone got what they
wanted for Christmas
except for Mrs. Lloyd.
[MONITOR BEEPING]
Merry Christmas, Peter's boss's mom.
Well, I gotta say, it feels pretty good
doing something nice for a
sweet old woman on Christmas.
It's like that thing
about when a bell rings
and an angel gets its wings.
What? What's that?
From It's a Wonderful Life.
Oh, yeah, no, I've never seen that.
You've never seen It's a Wonderful Life?
It starts with a big, loud bell,
and I got scared and turned it off.
Peter, it's a classic.
It's about a mortgage lender
Always a sympathetic character.
who's an angry drunk
and winds up threatening
to commit suicide
after he DUIs into a tree.
Actually, that sounds hilarious.
Let's watch it tonight.
Oh, it's a date, Mr. Griffin.
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]