Family Guy s23e11 Episode Script

1
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
It seems today that all you see
is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
[ANNOUNCER ON TV] We now return
to what we think Yellowstone is,
but we've never actually watched
it, so we're not totally sure.
God, I love bein' in the Old West,
or maybe present day, it's unclear
on the Paramount billboards.
Hey, other cowboys,
did you get the cows put away
here in the great state of
Wyoming?
Montana maybe?
We sure did, Yellowstone Boss Cowboy.
And I'm Kevin Costner.
Okay. That much I know.
- He quit.
- Then I know nothin'.
Apparently the original
title for that series was
Get Back Here, Cows.
[SIGHING] Maybe just
try watching the show?
It's really quite popular.
Guys, I've done it.
The work for which I'll be known for.
Got an extra "for" in that sentence.
Come take a look! I'm serious
It's the best work I've ever done.
Is this that thing where you're
changing words in Harry Potter
to dog stuff until it's
legally a different book?
There's plenty of adventures
at Dogwarts coming up,
but this is something else.
[PANTING]
It's a hole.
Right? I was just
I was in the zone, man.
It was It was like I was
just channeling the work.
Like Like it was
just coming through me.
It's very nice, Brian.
It's a masterpiece.
A masterpiece I created
with my own hands,
and no one can take it away from me.
I took it away from you.
Dude! What's your problem, man?
He's in a mood, I don't know,
I said something mean about a show.
Anyway, good job, Brian.
Thank you for sharing this with us
[GASPS]
What the hell?
You buried Rupert!
[EXCLAIMING] Are you
okay? Oh, please be okay!
You bastard! What do you
have to say for yourself?
No hablo ingles?
Got to leave lots of space.
We're just getting started.
I'll say this, Rupert, you
were long overdue for a bath.
Oh, hush, just because Buzzfeed
says Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't bathe,
that doesn't make it true, even
though it one hundred percent is.
Now what's this?
"Made In China"?
Rupert, you're You're Chinese?
I had no idea!
My word, all these years,
I have been in a
multicultural relationship!
Well, sometimes life takes
you down a different road,
just ask Robert Frost.
[ROBERT FROST] Two roads
diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by
Alright, I saw the back of what I
think is my son's English teacher
pushing a grocery cart
full of his possessions,
and I just can't have
that interaction right now.
Mr. Frost?
Oh, hey!
Mr. Thompson, uh
What've you been up to?
Nothin' much,
just waiting for the district to
finish its "administrative review".
Not really something I can talk about.
Well, I'm gonna go ahead and
take the road more traveled by.
Could really use somebody to
write a letter on my behalf!
[FROST] I'm not really a writer.
Good morning, Brian. Or rather
Ni hao
Why are you dressed like that?
Oh, my god, that is such a "Year
of the Monkey" thing to ask.
Right, Rupert? Textbook "Year
of the Monkey," this guy.
Right? You're nine years old, right?
- Yeah.
- Right, so
2024, 2023
Right, yup, Monkey. Monkey.
I can always tell because
I'm "Year of the Pig"
Does all this have something
to do with you finding out
that Rupert was made in China?
Well, not that it should
need a reason, but yes, Brian,
I want Rupert to feel his culture
is welcome and embraced here.
So you've decided to talk
and dress like an idiot?
Idiot, eh? Well, let's hear you say that
after I have a very lazy Steven
Seagal-type martial arts fight
against Russian shills.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
He is invincible!
Even better than Steven Seagal,
who unzipped his leather pants in front
of Portia di Rossi at an audition!
Hey, just because you read
that in Buzzfeed article
does not make it true,
even though it one hundred percent is!
Rupert, I want you to feel that
your heritage is respected here,
so I've made a few tweaks to our
favorite classic television show.
[ANNOUNCER] We now return to ER.
[STEWIE] Edited for Eastern medicine.
- I need 10 cc's of
- [STEWIE] Ginseng root.
And somebody set this patient up with
[STEWIE] Goldfish to nibble his toes.
[EKG BEEPING]
We're gonna lose him if we
can't get our hands on some
[STEWIE] Baby elephant bones.
[EKG BEEPING RAPIDLY, FLATLINING]
- He's coding!
- There's just one chance!
- We need
- [CHRIS] The lady doctors to kiss!
I made some tweaks as well.
Well, I think I have gone above and
beyond in embracing Rupert's culture.
Rupert, you
You're looking out to the east.
You're still thinking about your roots.
I know, Rupert.
You want to see your homeland again.
You want to find your parents.
You want to casually moped through
an asteroid field of traffic.
All right, Rupert, you win.
Tomorrow, I will take you to China.
Didn't you set Rupert up at that window?
Which is facing north, by the way.
Shut up, Brian, we're going to China.
[GONG CLANGS]
Yeah, sound guy? Yeah, let's, um
Let's pace ourselves
on that stuff, okay?
Wait a minute, you're taking Rupert
to China so he can meet his family?
That's right, Brian.
Rupert wants to find his mom and dad,
and he wants to eat one tiny part of a
shark and throw the rest in the garbage.
And I'm going to make
that happen for him.
- You can't go to China, Stewie.
- Why not?
Because you're an infant. There's
no way Peter and Lois will let you.
Pfft. They'll never
even notice I'm gone.
They're at VR Burning Man.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, my wife is here, but she said
I could glitter paint anyone I want.
Why, yes, I will trade my
wife for some toilet paper,
Man with Top Hat and Goggles.
Okay, Stewie, there's also the
fact that Rupert is Um
- What?
- He
Look, Rupert doesn't have a
family, in China or anywhere.
Rupert's just a toy.
What did you say?
Rupert is a toy.
Let me hear you say that one more time.
It was then that I
realized, I can't hear.
I can't hear, Dr. Scott!
And if that's true, how do
I know I'm even being heard?
How do I know if I even exist at all?
Yeah Yeah, totally
Yeah, would Would you mind not
folding your laundry during our session?
Hey man, this is therapy
that advertises on podcasts.
It costs, like, eighteen
bucks. You get what you get.
[PHONE BEEPS]
[ANNOUNCER] At PhoneMD,
we believe therapy doesn't
have to be expensive,
or even effective.
It just has to be
reportable to your spouse.
PhoneMD.
Get therapy on the thing
that led to the affair!
Look, Brian, I'm taking Rupert to China,
and it's none of your business.
You're not invited anyway.
What would you even do in China?
See if Olivia Munn left a
sister back in the homeland?
[SITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
- Are you
- Yes, John Mulaney's brother, Don,
and I'm looking for
the same thing you are.
[FLIGHT ATTENDANT] Ladies and gentlemen,
as we begin our descent into Beijing,
we ask that you power down your devices.
Blast, I need to hurry up and
finish this episode of Yellowstone,
which we still haven't
ever actually watched.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
You can't take our land!
We built all this nothin' from nothin'!
I'm sorry, but I got a paper here
signed by the governor of this Dakota.
Cowboy husband? Is everything okay?
Get back inside,
women-who-are-way-hotter-
than-real-women-from-this-place.
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Here we are! We made it!
Hey, check this out.
Everyone, the Olympics are coming!
Right! Oh, freakin' China, man!
I mean, 800 workers
just died, but still
tip your cap, you know?
[SITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey. Thanks for making
our stuff. Thank you.
Our country stopped making stuff,
so thank you for making the stuff,
'cause we still need stuff.
I say, back in the old
stomping ground, eh, friend?
Why, you must feel like Jesus did
when he returned from the dead.
Hey, hey, look who's back!
Miss me?
Jesus! Hey, hey! This is great.
This is great.
So, listen, um, I hired
you to build me a table
back before all the
stuff went down, right?
And, uh, well, look
Hmm.
Do you have a receipt?
Um, no. I mean,
well, you died, so I figured there
was no point in hanging onto it.
Yeah, you kinda wanna
always keep the receipt.
Look! There!
It's Rupert's brothers and sisters!
And there's his mother and father!
Yeah, are you sure those
aren't just random workers
who happen to be on duty today?
No, they're his mom
and dad, I'm certain!
Look, she has Rupert's same non-smile!
And he has Rupert's glassy, dead eyes!
All right Brian, remember,
it's vital that I make a good impression
on these people, so, to review?
[SIGHING] You're a wealthy
American businessman.
And also?
The lead singer of Coldplay.
Perfect. Now I want
you to film all of this,
because after we meet them,
I'm going to ask their
blessing to marry Rupert.
W What?
You guys?
There's someone here
who'd like to say hello.
Okay.
Yes! It's your son, Rupert!
If they start weeping,
obviously zoom way in on that.
Oh. Look at you,
you're clearly in shock!
And now, like every host
of a cooking travel show,
I'm going to disregard cultural norms
and touch your body
without your consent.
Ignoring your discomfort
Ignoring your discomfort
Feel free to cry,
makes for better video.
Okay.
We have so much to talk about.
But I just want you to know,
we don't hold it against you,
you giving up Rupert, even though
it did mess him up sexually.
Okay.
I mean, I'm sure you guys
had lots of stuff going on.
I mean, obviously, the career
Can't expect you to
walk away from all this.
So, I'm Rupert's special friend,
Stewie Griffin-Dockers III.
Yes, of the pants Dockers. Let's
not make a big deal out of it.
- Okay.
- But I really love what you have here.
That's such a cute hole
they give you for a toilet.
Brian, tell them about my toilet.
- He's wearing it.
- I'm wearing my toilet.
So
Am I still supposed
to be recording this?
So, listen, we, um
We didn't really come all the
way to China just to say hello.
As I said, Rupert and I are,
um, very special friends
truthfully more than friends, and, um
You know, when a baby
gets to be a certain age,
he starts thinking about his future,
and, um, who he wants to share
that future with, and, um
- [BRIAN] Still rolling.
- I know!
It's just, if this video goes too long,
I won't be able to text it to you.
You can fricking AirDrop it!
Also someone's using the toilet
hole in the background of your shot.
Okay, you know what,
let's not do this here.
We clearly have a ton to talk
about, so perhaps dinner is in order?
- Maybe we drop by around 6:00?
- Okay.
Great! But you have to promise me,
no special treatment just because
I'm a casual-slacks billionaire.
[INAUDIBLE]
Who are those Americans poking around
our industrial facility and filming?
Are they spies?
I don't know.
I'm not seeing any matches on
the facial recognition software.
Ah! Or on Tinder.
Yeah, what do you expect?
We're a country of a
billion guys and eight girls.
[ANNOUNCER] China! Whoops! Maybe
we threw away too many girls.
Count it!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hello, hello, hello!
[SNIFFING] Mmm,
something smells delicious
and with the eyeballs
still on it! I brought wine.
Wow, that's a very expensive
bottle, lead singer from Coldplay,
which I forgot to mention earlier.
Bah, no, it's nothing.
Now, before we do anything
else, I just have to know,
which one of you two hogs the blankets?
Who does Rupert get that from?
Uh, look at Pop-Pop's face! Busted!
I think we found our blanket hog!
Okay.
Well, we're here, because, um, I
I have something important to ask you.
Okay.
So Rupert and I, um
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Could
Could I maybe have some tea first?
Tea?
Oh, I'm such a klutz.
Someone hands me a china
cup, I look away, right?
Down with china. You know?
Down with china!
At this point, I am basically
an enemy of china, right?
Anyway, I'm here, um,
to ask you a question.
It's a very Very important
Actually, you know what? Two questions.
You remember that old Calgon commercial?
"Ancient Chinese secret", right?
What exactly is the
ancient Chinese secret?
- [COMPUTER BEEPS]
- I'll pay you anything,
if you'll tell me the
ancient Chinese secret.
[BEEPING]
Stewie, are you gonna do this or not?
Yes, yes, Brian, fine.
So
What I really came here
to ask you is this
Will you please give Rupert
and me your blessing to
You're under arrest.
The charge is espionage against China.
I didn't do espionage!
And aggravated sodomy
against a stuffed animal.
I didn't do espionage!
Twenty years in a labor
camp for spying on China.
- What a mess.
- "Hire Sidney Powell", he said.
It's the only place
she's still licensed!
Break's over! Get back to work making
solar panels for American liberals!
Didn't realize all of our solar panels
are made by Chinese political prisoners.
Yes. White liberals
have a lot to answer for.
Well, I'd say conservatives do as well,
especially in a post-Roe v. Wade world.
Oh, my gosh, I finally
get to see this little guy!
[GASPS] He's adorable, he
looks just like your rapist!
I think he looks like both of us.
He's a cutie.
He's gonna be a little lady killer.
Well, we'll see. I don't
wanna put any pressure on him.
This is outrageous. I'm not a spy,
and I'm not doing your prison labor.
Let me guess. Year of the Monkey?
Yup. Bingo.
Okay, Monkey. If you
won't do this labor,
we will give you and
your friend hard labor.
The hard labor is
watching the movie, Tár?
And answer questions about the film.
"Why should the viewer
care about this protagonist?
"What are we hoping she accomplishes?"
"What is the ultimate
message of the movie, Tár?"
"Why is there an accent
mark over the 'a' in Tár,
"despite the fact that
it is a one-syllable word,
"and therefore contains no other
syllables to de-accentuate?"
Oh, no, now it's getting really tough.
"What does a conductor actually do?"
"Why couldn't the best
musicians in the world,
who are trained at Juilliard,
play music without some maniac
waving a stick in front of them?"
"Why are people who hold and
wave sticks so tormented?"
"How do you think Tár chose her
stick? Please explain in essay form".
Well, at least this is the only movie
we have to watch about a conductor.
And after lunch you'll
be watching Maestro.
You monster!
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
I can't take much more of this,
Brian. We have to break out of here.
And I think I have an idea.
I don't know, an escape
attempt could be dangerous.
Maybe we just wait for Peter
and Lois to come get us out.
That'll be quite a wait.
Right now they're at
Virtual Dave & Busters.
Ooh, Peter, let's order another plate of
warm mozzarella sticks on brown lettuce!
Sounds good, Lois.
You do that while I go
stare at women's butt cracks
on the motorcycle games.
Hi, I like how your drink is very blue.
Hey, is it true that Dave
shot Buster, then shot himself?
All right, Brian, here's the plan.
Each of these panels is coated with
a highly-polarized carbon glass.
But if we can reverse the glass,
it'd form a concave mirror.
And indeed, these
components are modular.
So, if we target the fence with those
mirrors reflecting the sun's rays,
we'll need a total of 1,400
centigrade, give or take.
it should compromise the
structural integrity
[BRIAN] Come on.
[PANTING]
My plan had science in it, but
fine, let's do it the dirty dog way.
[GRUNTS]
[GUARD OVER PA] Escape in
progress! Escape in progress!
[CELLPHONE DINGS OVER PA]
Es-cape, uh
[CHUCKLES OVER PA]
Escape in progress!
[ALARM BLARING]
[BOTH GROAN]
Where do we go?
Over here! Through the
village of Chinese stereotypes!
There's still some we haven't done?
That way! Through the obligatory
Chinese New Year parade!
No, over there!
Where that old man with a wispy
beard sells mythical creatures!
No time! Let's just hide behind
those terracotta soldiers!
Whoops.
- Hey!
- What the hell, man?
Should we settle up?
I'll settle up.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, whenever you
accidentally domino stuff over,
there's always a biker
gang that's mad about it.
[CROWD SHOUTING]
Quick! Down this alley!
[ALL SHOUTING]
[CARTOON MUSIC PLAYING]
[BOTH SHOUT]
[GASPING] Oh, no!
There's no way out. We're trapped.
You've only made things worse.
You should know by now,
there's only one way
out of a Chinese prison.
[GULPS] Death?
No. Rat out someone else.
[GONG CLANGS]
There he is! Famous pro-Tibet
activist, Richard Gere!
[CHUCKLING] What? I mean Thank
you. I'm flattered, but, what?
Sorry, Chris. When you download TikTok,
one of the terms and conditions is that
the Chinese government can
just arrest you whenever.
[TIKTOK MUSIC PLAYING]
[WOMAN] Does TikTok app really
let China police kidnap you, or?
Probably not, but maybe, lol?
We have had quite the
Chinese adventure, Stewie.
And I think I might just
have my next screenplay idea.
He's not gonna write [BLEEP].
Well, my friend, we
both have crummy in-laws.
My parents throw you in the dryer.
Yours put us in a labor camp.
But if there's one thing I do know,
no matter where we're
from, or where we are,
or who does or doesn't
give us their blessing,
my home is where you are.
And your home is where I am.
And now I also know where your
blanket hog thing comes from.
I No, Rupert, I didn't know that
"blanket hog" is a Taiwanese slur
for the mainland Chinese.
How would I know that?
But I didn't know that
it's racist, so how could
I already apologized, by implication.
[SIGHS] Fine. I'm sorry you were
needlessly offended by my innocent use
of an obscure regional racism.
So, that's why I cheated
on Rupert with my octopus.
Yeah, that seems fine.
I don't really care.
Hey, do you have another credit card?
'Cause the one I have
on file isn't working.
[ANNOUNCER] PhoneMD.
Make sure your method
of payment is current!
So, Peter, Lois, did you
miss us while we were gone?
Oh, we didn't even notice.
We were busy watching Yellowstone
which is set in present day Montana
with periodic flashbacks to the 1990s!
[ANNOUNCER] We finally
looked it up on Wikipedia.
Thanks for going to
China with me, Brian.
You bet.
I just feel bad we had to hand
over Chris to get out of there.
Oh, I'm sure by now they've figured
out he's not really Richard Gere.
So, in Pretty Woman,
when I snap that necklace box on
Julia's fingers and she laughs?
That was total improv.
Julia didn't know I was gonna do that.
Wow.
So what's Julia Roberts
like in real life?
Is she just super-cool
and down-to-earth?
No, she is not.
Mr. Gere, what's your middle name?
Eh, you know, I don't think that
middle names are all that important.
I understand it's Tiffany?
It is Tiffany.
[GONG CLANGS]
That's called "range".