Family Matters s01e08 Episode Script

What's all the noise? Noise? This happens to be '60s music the greatest dance music of all time.
We had the pony: We had the mashed potatoes: And the granddaddy of them all, the twist: Oh, yeah, that was invented by that guy, Chubby Domino.
Chubby Checker.
Watch, I'll show you.
It's all in the hips.
See, it's like drying yourself with a towel.
Come on, come on, just do everything that I do.
This is fun.
Now watch this tricky move.
Uhn.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! No, no, no.
No, no, no.
- No.
- No.
Harriette! - Harriette! - Oh! You are not gonna believe what happened today.
I still don't believe it.
It is just unbelievable.
Well, tell us and we won't believe it, either.
Burt is gone.
The best partner I ever had just up and quit the force.
Why? He wanted to pursue his dream.
He's opening up a doughnut shop? No.
He moved to Hollywood to write that screenplay he always talked about.
Sounds like Burt.
Hey, I'm happy for him.
But while he's out in sunny California breaking into show business I'm stuck here, breaking in a new partner.
I'm sure you'll like your new partner once you get to know him.
Well, that's the problem.
It's not a him, it's a her.
Carl, that's terrific.
A policewoman? Just like Mom was.
That's cool, Dad.
Well, it sounds great in theory but when I'm out there with my life on the line I want a man to back me up, not some woman I'd have to protect.
Yeah.
Next thing you know, they'll wanna play football.
What makes you think a woman cop can't protect herself? Or you? They're a lot smaller, for one thing.
And they can't run as fast and they lack upper-body strength.
Well, I loosened it for you.
I don't believe it.
My own father is a chauvinist.
Chauvinist? I thought we were Baptists.
Rachel, can you get me the furniture polish, please? Sure, just as soon as I finish this chapter.
"Love's Burning Fury.
" Rachel, not another trashy romance novel.
Honey, when you ain't got it, you read about it.
Can I borrow it when you're through? Good evening, ladies.
- How you doing? - Hi, baby.
How's your new partner? Not bad, not bad at all.
Our first call was on a liquor-store holdup.
Vanessa tackles the guy and holds him while I cuff him.
So women cops are okay, huh? Well, I have to admit, I think she's gonna work out just fine.
- Honey, where's my bowling shirt? - Hanging in the laundry room.
Not only is Vanessa a good cop, but she's a weightlifter and she bowls.
- Just like one of the guys.
- Yeah.
She's taking Burt's place on the bowling team.
She'll be here to pick me up in a few minutes.
Boy, Carl sure has changed his mind about Vanessa.
Yeah, she sounds like RoboCop.
Hi.
I'm Vanessa Greer, Carl's new partner? This is the Winslow house, isn't it? Yes, yes.
Come on in.
I'm Harriette.
Of course, happy to meet you.
Yeah, Carl talked about you all day.
Oh.
This is my sister, Rachel, and Carl's mother.
Wow.
Vanessa, right on time.
I love a prompt partner.
- Meet everybody? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah, we met.
- Well, let's go.
- Yep, because I'm feeling hot tonight.
- Yeah, me too.
Ha.
- Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Strike force.
Well, I hope to see y'all again soon.
Well, she seems very nice.
Uh-huh.
I mean, it's good to see Carl and she getting along so well.
Uh-huh.
That woman is gorgeous.
Plenty of upper-body strength.
Really? I didn't notice.
Uh-huh.
Great breakfast, Mom.
Thanks, sweetie.
See you after my piano lesson.
Hey, it's your turn to clean up.
I cleaned up last time.
No, you didn't.
Okay, I'll flip you for it.
Heads, you clean up, tails, I don't.
Wait a minute.
Okay.
Heads.
You clean up.
See you.
Man, I always lose the coin toss.
What a beautiful day.
Morning, baby.
- Blueberry pancakes.
Oh, thank you, honey, but I'm trying to cut down.
I'll just have a little coffee.
No cream, no sugar.
What are you all spiffed up for? Heh.
Nothing, Mama.
Just a routine stakeout.
Sitting in the car for 12 hours, drinking cold coffee.
When you used to go on stakeouts with Burt you always wore your Gumby T-shirt and old blue jeans.
Well, Vanessa has made me realize that a police officer should always look his or her best.
Oh, I'm sure Vanessa always looks her or his best.
Yeah, and she's such good company too.
We have so much in common.
Like what? Well, we're both into physical fitness.
Do the other cops like her? They love her.
She's a great asset to the force.
Oh, we noticed her assets the minute she walked in.
Now, Rachel, that was a sexist remark.
Now, just because a woman happens to be good-Iooking does not mean that she can't be an outstanding officer.
So you noticed she's good-Iooking? But, Mama, I'm a police officer.
We are trained to notice everything.
Quit it, you two.
I'm happy that Carl has a good working relationship with his partner.
Oh, thank you, honey.
Mm-mwah.
Vanessa and I are just two cops doing our job.
When I look at her, all I see is a uniform.
The way I feel about Vanessa is strictly professional.
Do these pinstripes make me look thinner? Yeah.
I can hardly see you.
Thanks.
Bye.
- What? - Nothing, nothing.
Just because Carl is gonna be spending all that time in a parked car with a gorgeous younger woman no reason for you to worry.
- I'm not worried.
- Of course not.
Why should you be? I mean, for any normal man, this would be an incredible temptation.
Fortunately, we're talking about Carl.
Thank goodness there were no cops like Vanessa when my Sam was on the force.
- Mother Winslow, I trust Carl.
- Mm? Sure you do, sugar.
I trusted my Sam.
He was a good man.
Carl's a good man.
But we don't know anything about Vanessa.
She may be a sex-crazed vixen.
Straight up now tell me Do you really want to love me forever Oh, oh, oh Or am I caught Why is Eddie staring at the TV? It's off.
I turned it off for his own good.
He was watching another Paula Abdul video.
Yeah, that girl can really move.
I remember when I could move like her.
Now I just read.
Eddie? I'll give him one more minute, then I'm hosing him down.
Ooh.
I didn't know Rachel had such exotic taste.
She doesn't.
That's mine.
So Carl not home yet? He's still on that stakeout.
Out all night, five nights in a row.
Four nights, and he's working.
Well, of course he is.
Don't worry about a thing.
I'm not worried.
Carl doesn't need to go out looking for love.
He gets plenty at home.
Harriette, we all know how much Carl loves you.
But putting any man next to Vanessa is like putting a kid in a candy shop.
And we know how much Carl loves candy.
Okay, that's it.
Enough is enough.
I trust Carl.
He's out working not out with some bimbo in a sleazy motel.
Looks like a key.
Looks like a motel key.
"Room 3.
Louie's Love Grotto.
" Uh-huh.
Louie's Love Grotto? There's got to be some explanation for Carl having this key.
Sure there is.
Maybe they're not his pants.
There's a Twinkie in the pocket.
So much for that theory.
Maybe it has to do with the stakeout.
Oh, Harriette, they're supposed to be staked out in a car, not a motel.
A car, a motel.
What's the difference? A vibrating bed.
Look, Carl is a good husband.
He's never given me any reason to doubt him.
And even if he is at Louie's Love Grotto with Vanessa I'm sure there's nothing going on.
"Ask about our hourly rates.
" And I'm going down there to prove it.
Gin.
What? Not again? Tsk.
Oh.
Well, maybe gin isn't your game.
How about a little go fish? Great.
Carl, I want you to know something.
I wasn't thrilled with the idea of having a male partner because I'm always getting hassled or hit on.
But with you I feel comfortable.
Mm.
Yo? Oh, hi, Phil.
Heh.
No.
No sign of them yet.
Huh? Oh, okay.
Phil says your microphone keeps cutting in and out.
Phil, can you hear me? Phil, are you in there? - Must have come loose.
- Oh.
Here, better take a look.
Yeah, right, hold on.
Ahem.
Okay.
All right.
Now, let's go over the plan.
We get the diamonds, I check them out, and then I give the signal: "They look real to me.
" Okay, Phil.
Make sure when you hear the signal, you come in here fast.
Okay, Phil says we're coming in loud and clear.
Okay, see you.
Do me a favor.
Loop this through so it'll stay put.
Oh, sure, okay.
- They're here.
- Wait.
My Twist-O-Flex is caught in your Cross Your Heart.
- Carl.
- Harriette.
Wow! What are you doing here? What are we doing here? What are you doing here? - Well, we're working.
- That's a new name for it.
Would you stay out of this? Carl, how could you? For 20 years, I've given you all my love and trust and this is how you repay me by sneaking off to Louie's Love Grotto with this? Cheap floozy? Cheap floozy.
Who are you calling cheap? Wait a minute.
Harriette, we are on stakeout just like I told you.
I guess you just forgot to mention the motel part.
Well, we were on stakeout.
This is phase two.
What's phase three? I think that's the part we came in on.
Look, my hand just got stuck fixing Vanessa's microphone.
She is wired to tape the buy.
Look, here's the money we're gonna use to buy the stolen jewelry.
Some very bad guys are gonna be here in any minute.
Oops.
Boy, Harriette, when you are wrong, you are really wrong.
- Seems to me I had a little help.
- Look, I don't care whose fault it is.
You two are in danger and I want you out of here now.
They're here.
Get in the bathroom and don't make a sound.
All right.
Okay.
- Mama.
- Carl Otis Winslow.
- Carl, what's your mother doing here? - Hush, hussy.
Carl, have you lost your mind? Harriette's on her way down here now.
When I think of that poor trusting woman and your three innocent children Oh, are your kids coming too? Home-wrecker.
- Mother Winslow.
- Harriette.
Rachel.
You should see the size of that hot tub.
You could fit a whole football team in there.
Ooh.
Carl Winslow, you go straight home.
You are grounded for the rest of your life.
Mama, Vanessa and I are in the middle of a sting.
Now, would you all please just leave right now? I want you out of here right And And Don't come back until you bring me all the money you owe me.
- I don't care how you get it.
- Nobody's going anywhere.
Oh, hey, baby.
It's Jake and High Top.
Right on time.
Hey, big man, nice suit.
Pinstripes make you look thinner.
- Hey, Mama, what's happening? - I am not your mama, sonny.
I'm his mama.
That's cool, baby.
Who is this? You one fine-Iooking lady.
I work out.
Me too.
Well, my girls were just leaving.
It's been nice, though.
Bye.
Nobody's leaving.
Or we could just hang around.
Hey, hey, look.
They cool, okay? Let's just make the trade.
You got the cash, we got the stash.
Wow, what did you guys do, rob a jewelry store? Rachel, get over here.
Ooh.
This is fresh.
- This some beautiful merchandise.
- Yeah, where did you get them? Lake Shore Drive, baby.
Nothing but the best.
- So we got a deal? - Oh, yeah.
Because they look real to me.
Trust me, they're real.
They look real to me too.
What's going on here? Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, you know Because they really look real to me.
Really.
Something's wrong.
Let's get out of here.
- You're under arrest.
- It's a bust.
Get off.
Get off.
I'm out of here.
Nice move, Mama.
You should have known me when I had two good hips.
You two should have seen your grandmother.
- She was great.
- Wow.
Well, I guess Dad and Vanessa were lucky you came along, Grandma.
Your Grandpa Sam taught me that jujitsu move.
It works every time.
Show us how you did it, Grandma.
You can demonstrate on Eddie.
No way.
Kids, go to bed.
I want to wait up until Dad came home.
If I have to tell you one more time, I'm gonna sic your Grandma on you.
I'm out of here.
What happened tonight would make a great novel.
You could call it Kung Fu Mama.
Will you two stop it? This is serious.
We made total fools of ourselves.
Speak for yourself.
I'm up for a commendation.
We almost blew the whole operation.
Somebody could have gotten hurt.
Plus we really embarrassed Carl.
Oh, Harriette, don't be so hard on yourself.
So your insane jealousy clouded your good judgment and drove you to an act of desperation.
I'm sure Carl will forgive you eventually.
Oh, sure he will.
In the future, Harriette, try to have a little more faith in my Carl.
And don't be so quick to jump to conclusions.
I didn't jump, I was pushed.
Maybe I did fan the flames a little.
Guess I've been reading too many of those trashy romance novels.
Why don't you two go to bed? I'm too wired to sleep.
Me too.
Let's ring some doorbells and run.
Well, we finally got them booked.
And get this the one that Mama flipped is claiming police brutality.
Carl, listen.
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
I mean, I feel terrible that I doubted you.
Well, to tell you the truth I'm kind of flattered.
I mean, for you to be jealous after all these years kind of does something good to the old ego.
Well, I really am sorry.
I mean, I was fine until I saw that key.
And then I lost it.
Harriette, don't you know that you are the only woman in the world for me? - I love you.
- I love you too.
I just wish there was something I could do to make it up to you.
Well, there's always Louie's Love Grotto.
We have the room until tomorrow noon.
I'll race you to the hot tub.