Family Reunion (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

Remember Charlie Wilson?

1 [SCATS.]
A Netflix original I want y'all to meet my family They're coming down south to stay with me - Big Moz - Do you love me? - Yep - I'm Cocoa Jade in the house, I've got a lot to say I'm a big sis, can't-miss renegade - Call me Shaka now - Hey - I'm the, I'm the chief rocker now - Hey Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi that's me - Little mommy, I'm Ami - Hey Singing loud and having fun It's Family Reunion [M'DEAR LAUGHS.]
DEVINE: Family Reunion was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
[CAR HORN HONKS "LA CUCARACHA".]
Oh, no.
What on earth? Hey.
[ALL PANTING.]
It is so good to be here.
Oh.
Ami.
- [GRANDPA LAUGHS.]
- Mazzi.
- Shaka.
Ha ha.
- JADE: Hi.
- Oh.
- I am so happy to see you.
Oh, a few weeks ago, you couldn't wait to leave.
Now you're holding on to me tighter than my panty girdle.
Oh.
What happened to y'all? - This was a trip from hell.
- BOTH: Jade.
What? It's in the Bible.
I don't allow no cussing in my house.
I don't even curse in my house.
You might not curse in the house, but you sure lie on the porch.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Oh, Grandpa got jokes.
[LAUGHS.]
You know damn well I don't do no cursing in the house.
Come on, baby.
Hey, hey Here's your room, girls.
We have to share? And there's only one bed.
Do we have to share that, too? I gotta sleep closest to the door.
I do my best peeing at night.
I got it.
I can fix this.
I will sacrifice and stay at a hotel.
It doesn't even have to be five stars.
I'll settle if it has room service and a Jacuzzi tub.
You better blow some bubbles in the bathtub.
You sleeping in this bed with your sister.
[JADE SIGHS.]
You can sleep on the floor.
It's good for your back.
- Mom! - No one is sleeping on the floor.
I just need enough room for my peeps.
There's barely enough room for the two of us.
- JADE: Oh.
- You're killing my babies! - Mom! - Boys! How many times have I told you to not jump on your beds? But this isn't our beds.
Yeah, Mom.
You gotta be more specific.
Fine.
Don't jump on your beds or your sisters' bed.
Got it.
Come on, Shaka, let's go jump on Mom and Dad's bed.
Ugh.
No! Mother, I can't live like this.
Honey, just relax, okay? It's only temporary.
Your father and I will be house hunting very soon, and in the meantime, we'll fix this room up.
Nothing will fix this.
[SIGHS.]
Can't I just move back to Seattle? - Look, it will be fine, okay? - [JADE SIGHS.]
Uh, how about I take you shopping? Where do you wanna go? Oh, Manhattan.
[SCOFFS.]
Funny.
Wait, you're serious.
[CACKLES.]
That's even funnier.
[CONTINUES CACKLING.]
Hon, our spoiled kids think this house is too small.
I think it just gives us a chance to be closer.
Mm-hmm.
Ach.
Babe, I just scrubbed this bathroom.
Yeah, thanks, babe.
I love watching my chin hairs float into the clean sink - like little black angels.
- Mm.
Uhh.
You know, I forgot what a slob you are.
It was never a problem in Seattle.
Well, that's because we had separate bathrooms in Seattle and a full-time housekeeper.
Fine.
I'll clean up.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
How's that? I like.
Do it again.
Ooh.
You know I can't say no to Mr.
Clean.
What? Yeah.
Ah-ah.
Don't stop.
I'm gonna sit back and enjoy the show.
- Okay.
- COCOA: Ooh.
Aah! Moz! You left the seat up! Oh.
My bad, baby.
- My bad.
- Jeez.
- My bad.
- [SIGHS.]
I mean, really? Ooh.
- That's okay.
We can fix it.
- No, no, no.
I'm not in the mood now.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
We can get it back.
[WHISPERS.]
We can get this back.
Huh? Huh? - Ooh.
Ooh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Ooh.
- Shake it.
Get it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Get it.
[GIBBERISH.]
[STOPS GIBBERISH.]
Oh, I don't even wanna know.
[LULLABY PLAYING.]
- [SCREAMS AND GIGGLES.]
- [GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
Ami.
[SCREAMS AND GIGGLES.]
Hey.
Is everything okay? What happened? - Ami happened.
- Where is she? Sleep peeing.
Maybe we can fix up a couch? No, honey.
She needs a real bed.
She'll be going to school in a few weeks.
You know, we could clear out the attic.
Attic? You have an attic? Yes, but it's full of junk, and it's very, very dusty.
So are Ami's feet.
I'll take it.
Does it happen to have an extra bathroom up there? [CHUCKLES.]
An extra bathroom? You kids are spoiled.
When I was a kid, we had a hole and a spoon.
And you really don't wanna know how that works.
Mm-mmm.
What's up? Wh-What's up? And I'm thinking purple pillows, the color of royalty.
[IMITATES CARDI B.]
Okur-r-r.
Well, lovely, duchess.
So, um, when will the maid come and clean? Well, if by "maid" you mispronounced "Jade," then she already here.
Ask Moz and the boys to move all the heavy stuff down to the basement.
Oh, and stay out of my stuff.
But, M'Dear, what happened to "Mi casa es su casa"? Oh, no.
 Mi casa, my casa.
If you don't like that, pay rent-a.
- Heh.
- Heh.
You didn't know I was bilingual, did ya? [IMITATES CARDI B.]
Okur-r-r! [CACKLES.]
I tickle myself.
Whoa.
Now that this place is clean, it looks really good.
- Wanna trade? - Let's test out her bed.
You jump, you die.
Okay? Is that a threat? Yes.
Okay.
Hey, Mazzi.
Look, cool stuff.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Lord Vader, prepare to die.
Luke, I am your father! [GRUNTING.]
Okay, why don't you two nerds use the force to move these boxes? And stay out of M'Dear's stuff before she goes Wrath of Khan on your butts.
Uh-huh.
Wrath of Khan? You're mixing up Star Trek and Star Wars.
You're gonna be single forever.
- Whatever.
- [BOTH GRUNTING.]
- JADE: What was that? - Nothing! Quick, let's pick this up.
[GASPS.]
Pandora's box.
- Let's open it.
- Don't open it! Jade said to stay out of M'Dear's stuff.
I'm just making sure nothing's broken.
Oh, nothing interesting.
Just old letters and stuff.
Oh.
Here's an autographed picture of Dave Chappelle as Prince? That's Charlie Wilson.
He's a famous singer.
I'm gonna ask M'Dear if I can have this.
Well, I'm gonna ask her if I can have this.
What is this? It says "Walkman.
" I think it plays music.
Walkman, play Charlie Wilson.
Walkman [RAISES VOICE.]
play Charlie Wilson.
It's broken.
Yeah, yeah We finished moving the stuff out of the attic.
M'Dear, can I have this picture of Charlie Wilson? - What? No.
- What you know about Charlie Wilson? Oh, the Gap Band? Eleven Grammy noms? He is Snoop Dogg's uncle.
Mm.
And how do you know all this? Oh, I'm an Uncle Charlie superfan.
"Going In Circles" was playing the first time I ever did Pilates.
"To my darling Amelia, love you forever.
Charlie.
" Oh.
Sounds like you two were close.
Not really.
We crossed paths a long time ago.
Crossed paths, huh? Then why is he promising to love you forever? Oh, don't make more of it than it was.
I met Charlie years ago in New York.
I sang backup for him a few times, and we became friends.
Just friends? That's what I said, isn't it? The closest we ever got was me trimming his mustache.
Amelia! You said I was your one and only, and now I'm finding out you've been out there trimming mustaches? But you didn't want me.
You broke up with me, Jeb, because I had the audacity to want to marry you.
I told you that I love you.
All I needed was a little time! And I gave you that! But what were you giving Uncle Charlie? Oh, Jeb! - Okay.
- Okay.
No - Boys, go inside.
Yeah.
Inside.
- Go on inside.
I can't believe this.
I've been married for over 42 years to a false witness.
You've been married 43 years.
Now you witness me walking my behind away from you and never speaking again.
Fine by me! Wow.
Wow.
I have never seen your parents fight before.
- [SIGHS.]
- She trimmed his mustache? Tell me right now, you ever trim another man's mustache? Yeah.
A mustache, beard, chest.
They used to call me "The Barber" back in the day.
[GASPS.]
What? I'm Moz, I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding! It's not funny, Cocoa.
No, it's a joke! Really? Are you serious? Hey Girl I'm hungry.
And why won't M'Dear cook? Well, honey, I'll make us a healthy meal as soon as I locate a vegetable that hasn't been seasoned with fatback.
I can't eat healthy now.
I just found out that Charlie Wilson was my almost-daddy.
I need real food fried in real grease.
You know, this is all your fault.
Ours? You should be blaming Uncle Charlie and his grandma-seducing mustache.
Nope.
I'm blaming you.
You should respect other people's privacy.
You boys know better than to go through M'Dear's things.
See? See? I told Shaka.
Remind me to never rob a bank with you.
How about never robbing a bank? - You two are on punishment.
- That's not fair.
We're guests in this house, and you've caused major drama between your grandparents.
How would you feel if we went through your phones? Yeah.
Hand 'em over.
And I'm also taking your video games.
That way, you can focus all your energy on finding a way to fix this mess you caused.
Well, at least we still have our tablets.
I'll take these.
Well, at least we still have TV.
MOZ: And no TV! Well, at least Bruh.
Please.
Stop talking.
Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey I hope this works.
Hey, Grandpa.
This will make you feel better.
Oh, thanks, boys.
- Heh.
- It's from M'Dear.
She's so sorry she never told you about Charlie.
As she should be.
And this cake represents her betrayal! Well, that was an epic fail.
I guess we'll have to go to plan " B.
" What are you doing? What's it look like? You can't let good betrayal go to waste.
M'Dear, we're sorry we snooped in your things.
Yeah.
We feel really bad.
Oh.
Thank you, sweethearts.
Oh, this is just what I needed to lift my spirits.
Actually, the flowers are from Grandpa.
He's really sorry, too.
This is what I feel about his sorrow! [GRUNTS.]
Dad did say all women are crazy.
Your dad said what? Moz! And there goes another marriage.
We're two for two.
Jade, we need your advice.
Oh, I was hoping you'd ask me this.
Two showers a day may help.
How could you be thinking about hygiene when M'Dear and Grandpa are fighting? Yeah, if they get divorced, who gets custody of Dad? Okay.
First of all, that's crazy.
Second of all, this is your stupid problem.
Third, get out of my room.
I finally have my own space.
I am not sharing a room with that crackly old coot.
Looks like it's your stupid problem now.
- Good night.
- Good night.
MAZZI: Good night.
- Good night.
- 'Night.
- 'Night, M'Dear.
- 'Night, boys.
And take another shower.
You smell like cabbage.
M'Dear, didn't you ever tell Mom and Dad not to go to bed angry? Oh, I had to get out of the room with your crazy granddaddy before I caught a case.
Heh.
Okay.
I feel you.
Just take a few minutes to cool down.
Mm-hmm.
Minutes, weeks, months.
Who knows? As long as he don't trust me, I'm staying right up in here.
Whoo.
But it is kinda hot.
If I don't cool off, I'm gonna have to come up out of this gown and this bra.
Whoo.
Whoo, Jesus.
Ooh.
Uh-huh.
Now that's on, it's so much better.
- Heh.
- Ooh.
- You know, um, M'Dear - Oh.
Huh? I was wondering.
Why didn't you tell Grandpa about Charlie Wilson? Oh, well, honey, you'll learn.
Sometime men can be kinda territorial.
Besides, a lady has a right to keep some things to herself.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
Good night, M'Dear.
Aren't you forgetting something? Come on around here now.
- This ain't gonna take that long.
- Okay.
There you go.
[EXHALES.]
Father God Heavenly Father King of all kings Lord of all lords.
Huh.
Get down.
Prince of peace [VOCALIZING.]
Creator of everything that's holy Who? Jesus Jehovah I Am Jesus Lord God, one-one-one-one-one last thing, King Jesus.
Please have mercy on that old man so that he can come to his senses.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Good.
All right, now, baby.
Cut that fan off.
Okay.
All right.
- All right, good night, M'Dear.
- Oh, 'night, baby.
Ooh.
- Ooh, this bed feels good.
- Mm-hmm.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[M'DEAR SIGHS.]
[M'DEAR SNORING.]
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
[JADE SIGHS.]
[M'DEAR CONTINUES SNORING.]
[LOUD WHEEZE.]
[SIGHS.]
[YAWNS.]
I slept so well.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, I know.
I couldn't sleep with all the snoring.
Oh, no.
Baby, you think you have a deviated septum? I'm talking about you.
Moi? Snore? Oh, now you are fibbing like your grandfather.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't snore.
Never.
[M'DEAR HUMS.]
- [PHONE ALARM BEEPS.]
- [GASPS.]
COCOA: This girl's got it going on I'm gonna make it happen - This girl's got it going on - Oh, Oh.
- Oh.
Oh.
- Shaka? - Ami? - Ohh.
Oh.
Moz, in case you haven't noticed, the bathroom is [SING-SONG.]
occupied.
Ooh.
Can you finish up? Nature's calling.
Send it to voicemail! I can't! My inbox is full.
I need you to get out of here.
Moz, don't you dare.
[GROANS.]
I don't have a choice.
M'Dear's mac and cheese plus no lactose pills equals - Save yourself! - No, no, no.
Moz! No! No! [GROANS.]
[EXHALES.]
Pretend I'm not here.
- Don't look at me! - Ugh.
Moz! - MOZ: Ooh.
- My goodness.
Hoo.
[SIGHS.]
Do I need to light a match? You need to light a torch.
M'Dear, are you gonna share any of that cake with us? N to the ope.
Nope.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- You came.
- Who's that? [GASPS.]
It's Charlie.
Last name Wilson.
[COCOA SCREAMING.]
You want me to put him out No, that's all right.
Moses McKellan? Man, when you retired, my fantasy team took a hit.
You was the best tight end out there.
Well, you know, I wouldn't say I was the best.
But I do have a Super Bowl ring.
You wanna see it? Sit your big butt down.
Charlie, what on earth are you doing here? I was in Atlanta and got this Instagram video from shakazulutheprince02 talking about his grandmother Amelia in Columbus.
I knew these were your grandkids.
- How did you know? - From this.
That's us.
So I rushed right over.
Well, once my assistant figured out you guys wasn't trying to kidnap me.
That was brave of you.
Not really.
My bodyguard's right there.
Thanks for coming.
We want our grandparents to stop fighting.
More importantly, we want to eat.
All right, kids, go upstairs so the adults can talk.
Heh.
Let me just get [SHUTTER CLICKING.]
[GIGGLING.]
- Amelia - [GIGGLES.]
- it's good to see you.
- Oh.
As always, you look outstanding.
Hey, man.
I will knock you out.
I know she used to trim your mustache back in the day, but she's been trimming my mustache for the last 42 years.
Forty-three years.
Charlie, would you believe that he thinks we were a thing? Oh, don't I wish.
I was always yearning for your love.
I'd get up early in the morning to call you up to say, "I wanna be your man.
" - [GIGGLES.]
Charlie.
- But she burned rubber on me.
Ahh.
I see what you did, Uncle Charlie.
Bravo.
What did he do? Oh, he used his song titles to explain that he and M'Dear were just friends.
That's true.
Amelia wouldn't give me the time of day.
She was always going on and on about some clown in Georgia.
Dad I think you're the clown.
[LAUGHS.]
So it is true.
You were only trimming his mustache.
Yes.
It's true.
The band and I couldn't afford a stylist.
Amelia would cut our hair, pick out our clothes.
She even sewed our pants if they split when we did the splits.
[CHUCKLES.]
I told them.
- And I didn't listen.
- No, you didn't.
I'm your wife, and it doesn't feel good when you don't trust me.
I'm sorry, love.
I've been a little crazy with my jealousy.
Dad, you will always be her endless love.
See what I did there, Uncle Charlie? Cool, huh? Yeah, it would've been even cooler if I was Lionel Richie.
That was his song.
- Shh.
You're embarrassing me.
- Mm-hmm.
I can't take his big butt anywhere.
[SHUTTER CLICKING.]
Okay, that's enough.
- Come on.
We're good.
We're good.
- Okay.
Amelia, is that your famous coconut upside-down cake? Yes, it is indeed.
Can an old friend have a slice, please? - Absolutely.
- Can we have some, too? KIDS: Us too! Everybody can have cake.
Excuse my grandbabies.
They're wild.
But now that everything is all good, did you write that song, "There Goes My Baby" about me? Oh, no, that's not the song I wrote about you.
- What was it, then? - "You Dropped A Bomb on Me.
" Oh, oh.
'Cause every time you walked in, you blew up the spot.
- [GIGGLES.]
- That's my Mellie.
I sure am, baby.
[LAUGHS.]
Uncle Charlie, one song.
- Yep! - Okay! ["YOU DROPPED A BOMB ON ME" BY THE GAP BAND PLAYING.]
You were the girl That changed my world Ah, suki, suki now.
You were the girl for me You lit the fuse I stand accused - You were the first for me - [SHUTTER CLICKING.]
But you turned me out You dropped a bomb on me Baby You dropped a bomb on me But you turned me out You dropped a bomb on me Baby You dropped a bomb on me [CHEERING.]
[MOUTHS.]
Hey, hey