Family Reunion (2019) s01e13 Episode Script
Remember Our Parents' Wedding?
1 A Netflix Original I want y'all to meet my family They're coming down south To stay with me - Big Moz - Do you love me? - Yep - I'm Cocoa! Jade in the house I've got a lot to say I'm a big sis Can't-miss renegade - Call me Shaka now - Hey - I'm the I'm the chief rocker now - Hey Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi That's me - Little mommy, I'm Ami - Hey Singing loud and having fun It's Family Reunion [M'DEAR LAUGHS.]
[COCOA.]
Family Reunion was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
[HUMMING A SONG.]
[SCREAMING.]
Man, I almost went Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle on you! Daniel, you are way too animated to be animated.
Oh, wedding's in a few days.
You nervous? I'm remarrying the women I love.
Why would I be nervous? What did you say? You want me to be your best man? [MOCK GASP.]
I am flattered.
I thought you'd never ask! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I didn't.
- Shaka's gonna be my best man.
- [TSKS, SIGHS.]
Cocoa and I want the kids involved with the ceremony since they weren't alive the first time.
Well, I was alive.
And since you did it in Vegas, I didn't get to stand by your side.
That's because you couldn't stand.
You were passed out in the cabana.
I was hoping you wouldn't remember that.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [SCOFFS.]
- Especially since I don't remember that.
All right, Shaka, aka Mr.
Best Man.
Now, you're having a rehearsal dinner, what do you serve? Steak or fish? Steak or fish? Steak or fish? - Ah, steak.
- Wrong! It's chicken! Everyone loves chicken! - All right, Moz.
We'll be co-best men.
- Co-best men? Yes.
You don't even know what the duties are.
I made a list.
What? Let me see this.
- "Serve as counselor and confidante.
" - [CHUCKLES.]
Me.
- "Get groom to the church on time.
" - Mm-hm.
"Get first pick of the bridesmaids " Okay, [STAMMERS.]
sorry, sorry.
That was a note to self.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE.]
All right, listen.
One of the most important duties as best man is to take care of the ring.
- What! - Mm-hm.
That's way better than the bubble-gum ring you gave her last time.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, Cocoa deserves it.
I trust you won't let this out of your sight until the wedding.
[BOTH.]
No problem.
I'm fine.
I'm not hurt.
May not be the best [VOICE BREAKING.]
but I'm still a man.
All right, Uncle Daniel.
You can take care of the ring.
- Oh, really? - Syke! [CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Um, Ami you're not doing it right.
Yes, I am.
"Add two eggs and mix.
" Okay, but you're putting the shells in there, too.
M'Dear, tell Ami she's doing it wrong.
I don't need to tell her.
She'll learn when she bites into that crunchy pound cake.
Woo! According to my tracker, I just burned 150 calories.
That's a sixteenth of a pound.
You have been working out like a maniac.
Well, once Moz and I decided to go all out with renewing our vows, we wanted to do everything we missed out on by eloping.
I'm just trying to look good in my wedding dress.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah? You do realize that you are getting remarried, right? You only have to fool him the first time around.
Mommy, come taste my cake batter.
Oh, no, sweet pea, cake is not on my sweating-for-the-wedding diet.
Oh, come on, Mom.
You know you look good.
One of my teachers asked if you were married.
Really? Well, what did you say? Oh, I just showed him a picture of Dad.
[CHUCKLES.]
He never asked again.
- He's always messing up my game.
- [LAUGHS.]
Are you sure? It tastes really good.
Uh, okay.
Fine.
- I guess a little taste won't kill me.
- Heh.
Mm.
This is really good [SMALL COUGH.]
and crunchy.
[CHUCKLES.]
I didn't see that coming.
Thank you.
Crunchy is my signature flavor.
Right, I'll be right back.
Where are you going? Oh, I've gotta run a mile to work that off.
Mm, okay, two miles.
I sure hope I never get old enough to worry about my weight.
Me too, baby.
Me too.
Hey, Cocoa.
Where's your mother? Oh, you know Daphne has to make an entrance.
[MAYBELLE CHUCKLES.]
Did someone order a two-time Emmy-winning vixen who doesn't look old enough to be anybody's grandmother? - I did! I did! - I did! I did! [ALL LAUGHING.]
Oh, it is so good to see you, Daphne! Hello.
- Mwah! Mwah! - Mwah! Mwah! - [GIGGLES.]
- It is good to be seen.
Cocoa drives so fast, I thought we were not gonna get here in one piece.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can't die in a car accident.
It's so cliché.
[MAYBELLE LAUGHS.]
Well, girl, I just want to tell you, you acted your butt off in the finale - Oh.
- of Enchanted Days And Nights.
Oh, Glamma's here! Glamma! [BOYS.]
Glamma! - Mwah! Mwah! - Mwah! Mwah! [GIGGLES.]
Hello! Oh, my gosh! You guys have gotten so big.
Hey, I come bearing gifts.
What did you get us? Something precious.
Ami a citrine crystal for you.
It promotes prosperity and success in business.
I'm eight.
You're never too young to start thinking about your future.
- Shaka - [LAUGHS.]
this amethyst will help with healing.
Cool.
So if I throw it at Mazzi's head, it won't hurt? [CHUCKLES.]
You throw it in this house, you're getting hurt.
And, Mazzi, this fluorite is for focus and clarity.
Oh, I'm I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, what'd you say? He's gonna need two of those! [CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
And, Jade, for you, a rose quartz for love and romance.
Ooh, how did you know I needed this? [GIGGLES.]
I will give this to you when you're 18.
And I will hold it for you till she's 18.
You're gonna need more than a rock, Maybelle.
- [LAUGHS.]
- All right, kids.
Why don't you take Glamma Daphne's bags upstairs, okay? - [KIDS.]
All right.
- Thank you.
And I bought you this dress from Harrods in London.
It just screams, "Cocoa.
" Uh, are you sure it wasn't screaming, "Ami"? Oh, come on, who is styling you these days? Sister Mary Catherine? You are getting remarried.
You need to keep it spicy.
Not too spicy.
We've got enough kids around here already.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Oh, that rose quartz is good for that too.
- Oh? - What? Get it out! [HYSTERICAL.]
Get if off me! - Oh, okay.
- Help me! - Okay! - Help me! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Daniel, this is the best PG-13 bachelor party I've ever been to.
Tell me how did you afford to rent the whole place out? Well [CLEARS THROAT.]
I found a hair in my soup.
I found a hair in my water.
Then I found the health inspector's phone number.
This is Pretty Boy's' way of keeping me quiet.
All right, here we go.
[JEB.]
Oh.
Bullseye.
[JEB LAUGHS.]
Don't get cocky.
Remember, the first one hit Deacon Brooks.
Oop [EXHALES.]
my turn.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah.
[LAUGHING.]
Nothing but wall! [MOCK LAUGHING.]
Well, it's hard to throw darts when you're weighed down by all this drip drip.
Yeah, I'm happy to see you still have my father's watch.
Yeah, I only wear it on special occasions.
It was the last thing Pop-Pop gave me.
Yeah, your pop-pop had a soft spot for you.
- [SIGHS.]
- [MOZ.]
Yeah.
Probably because that soft spot on Danny's head came from him dropping him when he was a baby.
[TSKS, CHUCKLES.]
All right.
Here we go.
[SNIFFS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- [MOZ.]
Mm.
- [SHAKA.]
Ooh.
- Bullseye.
- [SHAKA.]
Wow.
I win.
[SCOFFS.]
It's your party.
We let you win.
[JEB CHUCKLES.]
Oh, hey, Elvis.
You put together a cool party.
The bartender pours a neat Roy Rogers.
Actually, Uncle Daniel did everything.
I hate to say it, buddy, but your uncle is showing you up as best man.
Uncle Daniel might be handling the party stuff, but Dad trusted me with this.
Wooo-hooo! I'm gonna make sure nothing ever happens to thi Ah oops.
[SLURPS.]
Mm.
[SLURPING.]
Looks pretty good, right? [SNIFFS.]
It smells like Cajun sauce.
And breath.
[SNIFFS.]
You can get it cleaned.
Let's go ask Uncle Daniel where to go.
No.
Dad trusted me.
I'll find a place.
[BEEP.]
Ring cleaning near me.
[DINGS.]
This place is right down the street.
We can get there and back before anyone notices we're gone.
I'm staying here.
I don't want to miss all-you-can-eat shrimp.
They're not gonna run out.
Challenge accepted.
[SIGHS.]
[DOOR BELL RINGS.]
Welcome to Squee's Pawn Shop, fellas.
What can Squee do for you? We need to get this ring cleaned before our parents renew their vows.
He's the best man.
Let's see.
Heh.
Wow.
Pretty decent stone you've got here, fellas.
Um I'll give you $500 for it.
We're not trying to sell it.
We just want to get it cleaned.
I can do that.
Yo.
[STAMMERS.]
But before I do, come and check this out.
Now, this right here would knock your mom's socks off.
Ain't she a beauty? Whoa! She's huge! Yeah, same thing I said about my first wife, but, unlike her, this diamond can be trusted around your friends.
But we already have a ring.
Hey, I'm just saying, look, look, wouldn't it be sweet to get your mom an upgrade? I mean, if you think she deserves it.
Of course she deserves it.
Mazzi, we can't afford that.
Look, look, look, look, Squee does trades.
You do? Sure I do.
What's in the container? My hot wings.
I'll tell you what.
You give me your mom's ring [CHUCKLES.]
plus them wings and we can call it even.
I don't know.
Look, it's not every day that your parents get remarried.
Huh? I mean, you show up with this ring, you will be the best best man ever.
- Okay.
- [SQUEE EXHALES.]
Oh, you drive a hard bargain.
[CHUCKLES.]
You got some hot sauce? [CLICK.]
- Girls, you did a great job on this cake.
- [EXHALES.]
- Baby, you're missing out.
- No, I'm not.
[PANTING.]
This lemon water with cayenne is delicious.
[PANTING.]
- Really? - Yeah.
Here.
Try it.
[PANTING.]
See, if you slow down and swallow really slow [PANTING.]
it tastes just like chicken parm.
[PANTING.]
- [CLICK.]
- Mm-hm.
You need to go to better restaurants.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, is that Ralph? What up, boy? Cocoa, it's ridiculous.
You need to eat something.
[PANTING.]
I'll be fine until my cheat meal.
- Oh, okay.
Okay, good.
- [PANTING.]
What's your cheat meal? A celery stick with a raisin.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, baby, I admire your commitment, 'cause I gave up losing weight for my weddings two husbands ago.
[CHUCKLES.]
Amelia, this luncheon is lovely.
- Oh.
- All this rich Southern food.
I can see why it was so easy for you to let yourself go.
Thanks for being my cheerleader, Mom.
- [BEEPING.]
- Ooh.
Cheat time.
Ah.
I'm starting with dessert! [PANTING.]
- Excuse me.
- Yeah.
Do you know how much sugar is in that raisin? Who is cheating whom? Daphne, lighten up.
Well, that's what I'm trying to get Cocoa to do.
Oh, no, this ring is fake! Where'd you get this? Squee's Pawn Shop.
[TSKS.]
Man, you got Squeed.
You know him? Everyone knows that hustler, man.
[SIGHS.]
Don't worry, I'll take care of this.
[BOTH SIGHING.]
This best man stuff is too much pressure.
I am never doing it again.
Good, because I was thinking I'd ask Elvis to be mine.
[TSKS.]
Smile! Oh.
[EXHALES.]
- [LONG EXHALE.]
- Oh! [ALL GASPING.]
Oh! Mommy! - I got her.
- Come on, hon.
She'll be all right.
Let her get some air.
[MOZ.]
Come on, come on.
Somebody get this child a pork chop, stat! And while you're at it, bring me one.
[DOOR BELL RINGS.]
What up, Squee? What up, D-money? [CHUCKLES.]
You got something for me? My nephews came in here a few hours ago and you traded them this for their mom's real engagement ring.
Hey, they came in a pawn shop unsupervised.
Now, you know don't nothing good happen in a pawn shop.
Come on, man, you took advantage of them.
You'd better check your tone.
Come on, Squee, don't do me like this.
Look, this is my spot.
I can do you any way I like.
Unless, you, uh, plan on doing something about it.
What'll it take to get the ring back? You could buy it back.
- At triple its value.
- [SIGHS.]
Or you could, uh trade me that watch and we can call it even.
Man, my grandfather gave me this watch.
I can't do that.
Well, that's the end of this conversation.
Nice not doing business with you.
[TSKS.]
[SIGHS.]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
So are you feeling better now? I'm fine, Mom.
You know, I worry about you.
It is not healthy for you to lose weight that fast.
- I know.
- You should have started six months ago.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
- Hello.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[DAPHNE.]
Hm.
- Here, baby, eat this.
- I can't.
It's not on my don't-balloon-for-the-honeymoon diet.
[SIGHS.]
Cocoa, why are you doing this? I just want to look the way I did when we first got married.
That was 15 years ago.
I don't look the same either and I didn't give birth to four kids.
Yeah, but my mother says you can't be a trophy wife if no one wants to put you on the shelf.
Uh, the last time I checked, Daphne was nobody's relationship expert.
Didn't her cat run away? Do you know what it takes for a cat to run away? God, I'd hate to see what kind of diet she had that cat on.
[DISGUSTED GRUNT.]
So you think I look okay the way I am? Oh, baby.
Of course I do.
You're more beautiful now than when I met you.
And if I could marry you again, I would.
[INHALES.]
Oh, wait.
I am.
Aw.
That was hot.
I guess I still got it.
Mm-hm.
[SNIFFLES, SMALL COUGH.]
And the [COUGHS.]
The cayenne pepper from the drink - is burning my lips.
Why - Oh.
[BLOWING.]
[BLOWS.]
Why do you have that? Why do you Oh, Mom I hope I'm as beautiful a bride as you when I get married.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Aw, thanks.
Ow, ow! Would you watch it with those pins? I am sorry.
You have lost so much weight, you are just swimming in this dress.
Go ahead, it's all done.
[GASPS.]
Well, that dress is lovely.
When I saw it on the hanger, I thought it would only flatter a model, but it actually works for you too.
[GROANS.]
All right, Mom, I hear you.
[LAUGHS.]
I was actually talking to Jade.
Okay, that's enough.
It is one thing to criticize me, but I draw the line at my daughter.
Well, there's nothing wrong with a little constructive criticism.
There was nothing constructive about that.
You need to leave them alone.
- And another thing, in my hou - Thanks, but I got this, M'Dear.
Mom you've been on my back since you got here.
Actually, you have been on my back my whole life.
Well, [CLEARS THROAT.]
I was just pushing you to be your very best.
Well, what does that even mean? Be more like you? Yeah, we know you ain't a natural blonde.
I am not about to let you give my daughters the same distorted self-image that I had.
Girls today have enough pressure coming at them to be perfect from their peers, magazines, social media - Cocoa - I'm not finished yet.
I know I could never live up to your expectations and I am done trying.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
My husband loves me just the way I am.
And you know what? I love me too.
Cocoa, I never said I didn't love you Maybe not.
But I have given you too much power and I am taking that power back by uninviting you to my wedding.
- Ow! Oh.
Ow! - What Ow! I liked you better on TV.
And a redhead.
I got it! We'll say we got jumped by a group of pirates and the parrot swallowed the ring.
That's stupid.
They'll never believe that it was pirates.
Tell them it was werewolves.
You're right.
[BOTH SHOUTING.]
It was werewolves! What? Never mind.
I got the ring back.
- [BOTH.]
Yes! - [CHUCKLES.]
How'd you do it? Well [MIMICS VITO CORLEONE.]
I made Squee an offer he couldn't refuse.
Now, let's put this up in a safe place, yeah? Thanks, Uncle Daniel.
You're the best.
Nah.
Mm.
You're the best man.
All right, come on.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[DOOR BELL RINGS.]
Reverend McKellan, what can I do for you? You have something that belongs to my son.
I'd like to have it back.
Ah.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE.]
I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.
Mm.
Thought you might say that.
[CHUCKLES QUIETLY.]
[EXHALES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
My watch! Thank you.
Oh You know, I'm really proud of what you did.
If it's real love, then you make sacrifices.
Who said that? Matthew? Mark? Luke? - Big Sean.
- Heh.
How much did Squee get you for? I promise I'll pay you back.
Didn't cost me anything.
I told him I wanted the watch back and he gave it to me.
Just like that? Just like that.
You know, I wasn't always a preacher.
[GASPS.]
Cocoa! You look incredible.
- Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I appreciate you walking me down the aisle.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
'Cause, you know, you're my daughter, too.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Oh.
I love you.
- Okay, now, let's get ready to go in.
- Okay.
Cocoa, wait.
Mom? I know you don't want me here, but I-I just couldn't leave town without apologizing.
Okay.
I didn't know that my little comments stung so deeply.
I guess I just repeated the kinds of things my mother always said to me.
[INHALES.]
And I forgot how much I hated it.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[EXHALES.]
And, honey, you may not think you're perfect but I do.
Can you forgive me? Of course, Mom.
[RELIEVED LAUGH.]
[DAPHNE CRIES.]
Okay, you two.
All these tears, you're gonna look like raccoons in the pictures.
[SNIFFLES.]
[CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT.]
If you don't mind, Amelia, I'd like to walk my beautiful daughter down the aisle.
If she'll let me.
I'd love that, Mom.
[SHARP INHALE, CHUCKLES.]
Okay, I'll tell everyone you're ready.
["BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYS.]
Moses Deuteronomy McKellan thank you for being my rock my heart and my best friend.
I love you.
[INHALES.]
Nicole Joie McKellan [GIGGLES.]
thank you for being the best teammate a man could ever have.
I love you.
Mmm.
And by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Again.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Son, you may kiss your bride.
[CHEERING.]
[SIGHS.]
And now for the broom.
Now, this broom has been in our family for generations.
In other words, it's not official till you jump it.
Okay, let's do it.
All right.
- Okay, you down? - Yeah.
All right.
Ready.
One, two, three.
[CHEERING.]
Blessed in our heart We found divine love Blessed in our future We'll fly high above All the fear and the doubt We come together Because we're blessed In our heart We found Divine love [CLOSING THEME PLAYS.]
[COCOA.]
Family Reunion was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
[HUMMING A SONG.]
[SCREAMING.]
Man, I almost went Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle on you! Daniel, you are way too animated to be animated.
Oh, wedding's in a few days.
You nervous? I'm remarrying the women I love.
Why would I be nervous? What did you say? You want me to be your best man? [MOCK GASP.]
I am flattered.
I thought you'd never ask! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I didn't.
- Shaka's gonna be my best man.
- [TSKS, SIGHS.]
Cocoa and I want the kids involved with the ceremony since they weren't alive the first time.
Well, I was alive.
And since you did it in Vegas, I didn't get to stand by your side.
That's because you couldn't stand.
You were passed out in the cabana.
I was hoping you wouldn't remember that.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [SCOFFS.]
- Especially since I don't remember that.
All right, Shaka, aka Mr.
Best Man.
Now, you're having a rehearsal dinner, what do you serve? Steak or fish? Steak or fish? Steak or fish? - Ah, steak.
- Wrong! It's chicken! Everyone loves chicken! - All right, Moz.
We'll be co-best men.
- Co-best men? Yes.
You don't even know what the duties are.
I made a list.
What? Let me see this.
- "Serve as counselor and confidante.
" - [CHUCKLES.]
Me.
- "Get groom to the church on time.
" - Mm-hm.
"Get first pick of the bridesmaids " Okay, [STAMMERS.]
sorry, sorry.
That was a note to self.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE.]
All right, listen.
One of the most important duties as best man is to take care of the ring.
- What! - Mm-hm.
That's way better than the bubble-gum ring you gave her last time.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, Cocoa deserves it.
I trust you won't let this out of your sight until the wedding.
[BOTH.]
No problem.
I'm fine.
I'm not hurt.
May not be the best [VOICE BREAKING.]
but I'm still a man.
All right, Uncle Daniel.
You can take care of the ring.
- Oh, really? - Syke! [CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Um, Ami you're not doing it right.
Yes, I am.
"Add two eggs and mix.
" Okay, but you're putting the shells in there, too.
M'Dear, tell Ami she's doing it wrong.
I don't need to tell her.
She'll learn when she bites into that crunchy pound cake.
Woo! According to my tracker, I just burned 150 calories.
That's a sixteenth of a pound.
You have been working out like a maniac.
Well, once Moz and I decided to go all out with renewing our vows, we wanted to do everything we missed out on by eloping.
I'm just trying to look good in my wedding dress.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah? You do realize that you are getting remarried, right? You only have to fool him the first time around.
Mommy, come taste my cake batter.
Oh, no, sweet pea, cake is not on my sweating-for-the-wedding diet.
Oh, come on, Mom.
You know you look good.
One of my teachers asked if you were married.
Really? Well, what did you say? Oh, I just showed him a picture of Dad.
[CHUCKLES.]
He never asked again.
- He's always messing up my game.
- [LAUGHS.]
Are you sure? It tastes really good.
Uh, okay.
Fine.
- I guess a little taste won't kill me.
- Heh.
Mm.
This is really good [SMALL COUGH.]
and crunchy.
[CHUCKLES.]
I didn't see that coming.
Thank you.
Crunchy is my signature flavor.
Right, I'll be right back.
Where are you going? Oh, I've gotta run a mile to work that off.
Mm, okay, two miles.
I sure hope I never get old enough to worry about my weight.
Me too, baby.
Me too.
Hey, Cocoa.
Where's your mother? Oh, you know Daphne has to make an entrance.
[MAYBELLE CHUCKLES.]
Did someone order a two-time Emmy-winning vixen who doesn't look old enough to be anybody's grandmother? - I did! I did! - I did! I did! [ALL LAUGHING.]
Oh, it is so good to see you, Daphne! Hello.
- Mwah! Mwah! - Mwah! Mwah! - [GIGGLES.]
- It is good to be seen.
Cocoa drives so fast, I thought we were not gonna get here in one piece.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can't die in a car accident.
It's so cliché.
[MAYBELLE LAUGHS.]
Well, girl, I just want to tell you, you acted your butt off in the finale - Oh.
- of Enchanted Days And Nights.
Oh, Glamma's here! Glamma! [BOYS.]
Glamma! - Mwah! Mwah! - Mwah! Mwah! [GIGGLES.]
Hello! Oh, my gosh! You guys have gotten so big.
Hey, I come bearing gifts.
What did you get us? Something precious.
Ami a citrine crystal for you.
It promotes prosperity and success in business.
I'm eight.
You're never too young to start thinking about your future.
- Shaka - [LAUGHS.]
this amethyst will help with healing.
Cool.
So if I throw it at Mazzi's head, it won't hurt? [CHUCKLES.]
You throw it in this house, you're getting hurt.
And, Mazzi, this fluorite is for focus and clarity.
Oh, I'm I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, what'd you say? He's gonna need two of those! [CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
And, Jade, for you, a rose quartz for love and romance.
Ooh, how did you know I needed this? [GIGGLES.]
I will give this to you when you're 18.
And I will hold it for you till she's 18.
You're gonna need more than a rock, Maybelle.
- [LAUGHS.]
- All right, kids.
Why don't you take Glamma Daphne's bags upstairs, okay? - [KIDS.]
All right.
- Thank you.
And I bought you this dress from Harrods in London.
It just screams, "Cocoa.
" Uh, are you sure it wasn't screaming, "Ami"? Oh, come on, who is styling you these days? Sister Mary Catherine? You are getting remarried.
You need to keep it spicy.
Not too spicy.
We've got enough kids around here already.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Oh, that rose quartz is good for that too.
- Oh? - What? Get it out! [HYSTERICAL.]
Get if off me! - Oh, okay.
- Help me! - Okay! - Help me! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Daniel, this is the best PG-13 bachelor party I've ever been to.
Tell me how did you afford to rent the whole place out? Well [CLEARS THROAT.]
I found a hair in my soup.
I found a hair in my water.
Then I found the health inspector's phone number.
This is Pretty Boy's' way of keeping me quiet.
All right, here we go.
[JEB.]
Oh.
Bullseye.
[JEB LAUGHS.]
Don't get cocky.
Remember, the first one hit Deacon Brooks.
Oop [EXHALES.]
my turn.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah.
[LAUGHING.]
Nothing but wall! [MOCK LAUGHING.]
Well, it's hard to throw darts when you're weighed down by all this drip drip.
Yeah, I'm happy to see you still have my father's watch.
Yeah, I only wear it on special occasions.
It was the last thing Pop-Pop gave me.
Yeah, your pop-pop had a soft spot for you.
- [SIGHS.]
- [MOZ.]
Yeah.
Probably because that soft spot on Danny's head came from him dropping him when he was a baby.
[TSKS, CHUCKLES.]
All right.
Here we go.
[SNIFFS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- [MOZ.]
Mm.
- [SHAKA.]
Ooh.
- Bullseye.
- [SHAKA.]
Wow.
I win.
[SCOFFS.]
It's your party.
We let you win.
[JEB CHUCKLES.]
Oh, hey, Elvis.
You put together a cool party.
The bartender pours a neat Roy Rogers.
Actually, Uncle Daniel did everything.
I hate to say it, buddy, but your uncle is showing you up as best man.
Uncle Daniel might be handling the party stuff, but Dad trusted me with this.
Wooo-hooo! I'm gonna make sure nothing ever happens to thi Ah oops.
[SLURPS.]
Mm.
[SLURPING.]
Looks pretty good, right? [SNIFFS.]
It smells like Cajun sauce.
And breath.
[SNIFFS.]
You can get it cleaned.
Let's go ask Uncle Daniel where to go.
No.
Dad trusted me.
I'll find a place.
[BEEP.]
Ring cleaning near me.
[DINGS.]
This place is right down the street.
We can get there and back before anyone notices we're gone.
I'm staying here.
I don't want to miss all-you-can-eat shrimp.
They're not gonna run out.
Challenge accepted.
[SIGHS.]
[DOOR BELL RINGS.]
Welcome to Squee's Pawn Shop, fellas.
What can Squee do for you? We need to get this ring cleaned before our parents renew their vows.
He's the best man.
Let's see.
Heh.
Wow.
Pretty decent stone you've got here, fellas.
Um I'll give you $500 for it.
We're not trying to sell it.
We just want to get it cleaned.
I can do that.
Yo.
[STAMMERS.]
But before I do, come and check this out.
Now, this right here would knock your mom's socks off.
Ain't she a beauty? Whoa! She's huge! Yeah, same thing I said about my first wife, but, unlike her, this diamond can be trusted around your friends.
But we already have a ring.
Hey, I'm just saying, look, look, wouldn't it be sweet to get your mom an upgrade? I mean, if you think she deserves it.
Of course she deserves it.
Mazzi, we can't afford that.
Look, look, look, look, Squee does trades.
You do? Sure I do.
What's in the container? My hot wings.
I'll tell you what.
You give me your mom's ring [CHUCKLES.]
plus them wings and we can call it even.
I don't know.
Look, it's not every day that your parents get remarried.
Huh? I mean, you show up with this ring, you will be the best best man ever.
- Okay.
- [SQUEE EXHALES.]
Oh, you drive a hard bargain.
[CHUCKLES.]
You got some hot sauce? [CLICK.]
- Girls, you did a great job on this cake.
- [EXHALES.]
- Baby, you're missing out.
- No, I'm not.
[PANTING.]
This lemon water with cayenne is delicious.
[PANTING.]
- Really? - Yeah.
Here.
Try it.
[PANTING.]
See, if you slow down and swallow really slow [PANTING.]
it tastes just like chicken parm.
[PANTING.]
- [CLICK.]
- Mm-hm.
You need to go to better restaurants.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, is that Ralph? What up, boy? Cocoa, it's ridiculous.
You need to eat something.
[PANTING.]
I'll be fine until my cheat meal.
- Oh, okay.
Okay, good.
- [PANTING.]
What's your cheat meal? A celery stick with a raisin.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, baby, I admire your commitment, 'cause I gave up losing weight for my weddings two husbands ago.
[CHUCKLES.]
Amelia, this luncheon is lovely.
- Oh.
- All this rich Southern food.
I can see why it was so easy for you to let yourself go.
Thanks for being my cheerleader, Mom.
- [BEEPING.]
- Ooh.
Cheat time.
Ah.
I'm starting with dessert! [PANTING.]
- Excuse me.
- Yeah.
Do you know how much sugar is in that raisin? Who is cheating whom? Daphne, lighten up.
Well, that's what I'm trying to get Cocoa to do.
Oh, no, this ring is fake! Where'd you get this? Squee's Pawn Shop.
[TSKS.]
Man, you got Squeed.
You know him? Everyone knows that hustler, man.
[SIGHS.]
Don't worry, I'll take care of this.
[BOTH SIGHING.]
This best man stuff is too much pressure.
I am never doing it again.
Good, because I was thinking I'd ask Elvis to be mine.
[TSKS.]
Smile! Oh.
[EXHALES.]
- [LONG EXHALE.]
- Oh! [ALL GASPING.]
Oh! Mommy! - I got her.
- Come on, hon.
She'll be all right.
Let her get some air.
[MOZ.]
Come on, come on.
Somebody get this child a pork chop, stat! And while you're at it, bring me one.
[DOOR BELL RINGS.]
What up, Squee? What up, D-money? [CHUCKLES.]
You got something for me? My nephews came in here a few hours ago and you traded them this for their mom's real engagement ring.
Hey, they came in a pawn shop unsupervised.
Now, you know don't nothing good happen in a pawn shop.
Come on, man, you took advantage of them.
You'd better check your tone.
Come on, Squee, don't do me like this.
Look, this is my spot.
I can do you any way I like.
Unless, you, uh, plan on doing something about it.
What'll it take to get the ring back? You could buy it back.
- At triple its value.
- [SIGHS.]
Or you could, uh trade me that watch and we can call it even.
Man, my grandfather gave me this watch.
I can't do that.
Well, that's the end of this conversation.
Nice not doing business with you.
[TSKS.]
[SIGHS.]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
So are you feeling better now? I'm fine, Mom.
You know, I worry about you.
It is not healthy for you to lose weight that fast.
- I know.
- You should have started six months ago.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
- Hello.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[DAPHNE.]
Hm.
- Here, baby, eat this.
- I can't.
It's not on my don't-balloon-for-the-honeymoon diet.
[SIGHS.]
Cocoa, why are you doing this? I just want to look the way I did when we first got married.
That was 15 years ago.
I don't look the same either and I didn't give birth to four kids.
Yeah, but my mother says you can't be a trophy wife if no one wants to put you on the shelf.
Uh, the last time I checked, Daphne was nobody's relationship expert.
Didn't her cat run away? Do you know what it takes for a cat to run away? God, I'd hate to see what kind of diet she had that cat on.
[DISGUSTED GRUNT.]
So you think I look okay the way I am? Oh, baby.
Of course I do.
You're more beautiful now than when I met you.
And if I could marry you again, I would.
[INHALES.]
Oh, wait.
I am.
Aw.
That was hot.
I guess I still got it.
Mm-hm.
[SNIFFLES, SMALL COUGH.]
And the [COUGHS.]
The cayenne pepper from the drink - is burning my lips.
Why - Oh.
[BLOWING.]
[BLOWS.]
Why do you have that? Why do you Oh, Mom I hope I'm as beautiful a bride as you when I get married.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Aw, thanks.
Ow, ow! Would you watch it with those pins? I am sorry.
You have lost so much weight, you are just swimming in this dress.
Go ahead, it's all done.
[GASPS.]
Well, that dress is lovely.
When I saw it on the hanger, I thought it would only flatter a model, but it actually works for you too.
[GROANS.]
All right, Mom, I hear you.
[LAUGHS.]
I was actually talking to Jade.
Okay, that's enough.
It is one thing to criticize me, but I draw the line at my daughter.
Well, there's nothing wrong with a little constructive criticism.
There was nothing constructive about that.
You need to leave them alone.
- And another thing, in my hou - Thanks, but I got this, M'Dear.
Mom you've been on my back since you got here.
Actually, you have been on my back my whole life.
Well, [CLEARS THROAT.]
I was just pushing you to be your very best.
Well, what does that even mean? Be more like you? Yeah, we know you ain't a natural blonde.
I am not about to let you give my daughters the same distorted self-image that I had.
Girls today have enough pressure coming at them to be perfect from their peers, magazines, social media - Cocoa - I'm not finished yet.
I know I could never live up to your expectations and I am done trying.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
My husband loves me just the way I am.
And you know what? I love me too.
Cocoa, I never said I didn't love you Maybe not.
But I have given you too much power and I am taking that power back by uninviting you to my wedding.
- Ow! Oh.
Ow! - What Ow! I liked you better on TV.
And a redhead.
I got it! We'll say we got jumped by a group of pirates and the parrot swallowed the ring.
That's stupid.
They'll never believe that it was pirates.
Tell them it was werewolves.
You're right.
[BOTH SHOUTING.]
It was werewolves! What? Never mind.
I got the ring back.
- [BOTH.]
Yes! - [CHUCKLES.]
How'd you do it? Well [MIMICS VITO CORLEONE.]
I made Squee an offer he couldn't refuse.
Now, let's put this up in a safe place, yeah? Thanks, Uncle Daniel.
You're the best.
Nah.
Mm.
You're the best man.
All right, come on.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[DOOR BELL RINGS.]
Reverend McKellan, what can I do for you? You have something that belongs to my son.
I'd like to have it back.
Ah.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE.]
I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.
Mm.
Thought you might say that.
[CHUCKLES QUIETLY.]
[EXHALES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
My watch! Thank you.
Oh You know, I'm really proud of what you did.
If it's real love, then you make sacrifices.
Who said that? Matthew? Mark? Luke? - Big Sean.
- Heh.
How much did Squee get you for? I promise I'll pay you back.
Didn't cost me anything.
I told him I wanted the watch back and he gave it to me.
Just like that? Just like that.
You know, I wasn't always a preacher.
[GASPS.]
Cocoa! You look incredible.
- Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I appreciate you walking me down the aisle.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
'Cause, you know, you're my daughter, too.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Oh.
I love you.
- Okay, now, let's get ready to go in.
- Okay.
Cocoa, wait.
Mom? I know you don't want me here, but I-I just couldn't leave town without apologizing.
Okay.
I didn't know that my little comments stung so deeply.
I guess I just repeated the kinds of things my mother always said to me.
[INHALES.]
And I forgot how much I hated it.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[EXHALES.]
And, honey, you may not think you're perfect but I do.
Can you forgive me? Of course, Mom.
[RELIEVED LAUGH.]
[DAPHNE CRIES.]
Okay, you two.
All these tears, you're gonna look like raccoons in the pictures.
[SNIFFLES.]
[CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT.]
If you don't mind, Amelia, I'd like to walk my beautiful daughter down the aisle.
If she'll let me.
I'd love that, Mom.
[SHARP INHALE, CHUCKLES.]
Okay, I'll tell everyone you're ready.
["BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYS.]
Moses Deuteronomy McKellan thank you for being my rock my heart and my best friend.
I love you.
[INHALES.]
Nicole Joie McKellan [GIGGLES.]
thank you for being the best teammate a man could ever have.
I love you.
Mmm.
And by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Again.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Son, you may kiss your bride.
[CHEERING.]
[SIGHS.]
And now for the broom.
Now, this broom has been in our family for generations.
In other words, it's not official till you jump it.
Okay, let's do it.
All right.
- Okay, you down? - Yeah.
All right.
Ready.
One, two, three.
[CHEERING.]
Blessed in our heart We found divine love Blessed in our future We'll fly high above All the fear and the doubt We come together Because we're blessed In our heart We found Divine love [CLOSING THEME PLAYS.]