Fantasmas (2024) s01e04 Episode Script


I'm a little teapot, scalding hot.
Here is my handle.
- Here
- Sorry, sorry.
I just really don't want to
do the credit card commercial.
But this always works.
What if I become an exception
doing something else?
Like, um
like a master class on hand acting.
Handing out a check for a dirty job.
Putting an end to it and finally
signing the divorce papers.
The death of a wise elder.
[WHISPERING] Protect the girl.
Receiving upsetting
news from the henchman.
Got away, boss.

Making sure he drinks the poison.

That's not going to
make you an exception.

Do the credit card commercial.
They're woke, and
they're called Cha-Ching,
and representation matters.
And I think I actually
made a good point earlier.
All these men and their numbers.
There's just too many cocktails.
Ah, yes.
Big banks need your
voice, because, like,
if not you, then some person
who's not gonna advocate
for change or rights.
And did I mention
representation matters?
They're funded by ExxonMobil.
Oh, my God.
[SIGHS] Julio, I'm trying.
OK, I've got another gig,
but it's a big kahuna.
It's for a superhero produced by Zappos.
Another remake.
I mean, would I even have a chance
for something like that?
The superhero thingy?
- Of course you do.
What does one need to get
cast in those things, anyway?
To, like, be a superhero?
I don't know.
Like, a shit ton of followers,
rock hard abs, and a rhinoplasty.
Ugh, see?
Those are their names?
Well, I slayed Gramore's entire army
with the sword of wisdom
while Maverick was cowering
in the command center.
Stay victorious. Stay victorious.
I never imagined myself
playing a superhero.
Stay victorious.
This character, a
down-on-her-luck historian,
ends up reading the
Constitution backwards.
Now I guess she can shoot
lasers out of her eyes.
She's supposedly bisexual,
which is addressed by
a little rainbow flag pin on her jacket,
digitally deleted in
select foreign markets.
The movies are a
billion-dollar industry,
but I'm not in the movies.
I play her in the theme park.
Welcome to the Superhuman Universe,
presented by Zappos.
We've got Madame Victory.

Stay victorious.
Hey, Madam Victory.
Must have hurt when Gramore
struck you with the axe.
Not as much as it hurt him
when I destroyed his entire army.
I went to Juilliard.
Uh, can we
I had to move back to Florida
because my mother got sick.
I kept thinking I should write
and make opportunities
for myself as an actor,
but this job was so uninspiring.
I was so tired of dealing
with Madame Victory's fans,
who you would think were mostly kids,
but were, in fact, grown-ups with jobs
and driver's licenses
and back-of-knee sweat
and prescriptions.
It was all so tedious
until I met Carl.
Hi. Afternoon, Madame Victory.
How's your day going?
Well, I slayed Gramore's entire army
with the sword of wisdom
while Maverick was cowering
in the command center.
[CHUCKLES] That's so awesome.
I just wanted to say
thanks for all that you do.
Carl is bisexual, like Madame Victory.
He's hung up on this idea that
Madame Victory represents him,
that her existing makes
his existence easier,
that the films, the merch,
the park, the brand
that it's all a form of social progress,
of activism.
He sparked something in me,
something that made
me want to write again.
I wear as part of, you know,
the medallion holders' perks.
His passion is overwhelming.
I couldn't get enough.
When the park is actually closed,
but those are some of the times
when I want to come to the
park the most, actually.
And I wish that I could come to the park
on Thanksgiving, a lot.
Um, but yeah, I just didn't
feel like I belonged before.
And now I do, thanks to you.
Stay victorious.
Carl is a manager at a Best Buy nearby
but spends all of his
free time at the park.
I got his full name
from his credit card
Scrambled eggs and hash browns, please.
While I was serving
him at my second job.
He did not recognize me.
He could only see Madame Victory,
and I could only see him.
Hey, YouTube.
Welcome to Carl's Collectible
Corner with me, Carl.
Have we got a figurine for you.
This is the
He's worked as a manager
at Best Buy for seven years,
but keeps applying to be a manager
at the Superhuman Flagship
Superstore inside the park.
Working for the Superhuman
Flagship Superstore
has been a dream of
mine for quite some time,
but once again, I
heard back that they are
unfortunately not taking team members
at the managerial level.
An important part of the application
is a little essay
portion where applicants
are supposed to tell their unique story
to, well, sell themselves.
My story wasn't unique
or impactful enough,
and that's OK.
I'm staying victorious.
Now, my thoughts about the incredible
Dr. Danger Easter ah, fuck.

So how are you doing, mortal?
Oh, staying victorious.
That's good.
Life's challenges can be very draining.
I wish I was like you.
Hey, what did it feel
like when it seemed like
you weren't going to be
able to defeat Gramore?
I was really fucking sad.
- I stayed victorious.
You were so clever.
When you realized Gramore
had the victory bell
inside of his meteor,
which was equipped with
an anti-power shield, you
relinquished your power
so that you could infiltrate
as a regular human.
That was so smart.
Yeah, right.
When life knocks you down,
it's time to get smart,
even if that means
surrendering something
you think you needed.
Yeah, yes.
So taking a page from Madame Victory,
I will not be giving up.
Instead, like her, I
will relinquish my power
as a manager and be applying for
an entry-level stockroom position.
It was a significant pay cut
from salary back to hourly.
And what's worse,
Carl did not excel in the stockroom.
His hours were cut gradually,
and after months, he was let go.
I want to thank you for
following me along on my journey.
You all have been so helpful.
He was told that his story
was simply not unique enough.
Carl, wait.
I obviously disagreed.
A movie?
Or a play or a short.
I thought we could just brainstorm
and see where the writing takes us.
I think you have a
really compelling story,
Carl, and I mean it.
So you would play me in this?
No, I don't think so.
I think I'd play myself
or a version of myself.
It's really hard here
as an actor in Florida.
You have to create
your own opportunities.
You can't just sit around
waiting for an audition.
And I know that you
really like storytelling,
so I thought, why not try?
I can't act.
Oh, that's OK.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Let's just focus on the writing.
Maybe I or the
character that's like me
could be unique.
Yeah, he is.
So elaborate on that.
Or maybe your character,
she's special, but she
doesn't know it yet.
Yeah, she thinks she just,
like, works at a theme park,
but part-time, she's an archaeologist,
and she goes on a dig,
and she finds the Constitution,
and then she reads it backwards,
which gives her powers.
Like like Madame Victory?
Well, like, yeah.
Maybe there are no superheroes.
What do you mean?
Like, it's real people.
Yeah, it's real people until one day
No, no.
Sorry to interrupt, but no.
What if there are no superpowers at all?
Well, then Superhuman
Studios won't like it.
Yeah, well, we're not
making this for them.
What do you mean?
This is not for that company.
I don't understand.
Think of the core reason
why you like those stories.
- They inspire me.
- Great.
What do they inspire you to do?
They inspire me to watch the movies.
OK, what do the movies inspire in you?
They inspire me to get inspired.
This is really good.
If we can wow them,
we could become high power executives
and shape the Superhuman universe.
No, Carl. No.
Look at me.
Put that out of your mind.
Ignore them. OK?
There's a whole other world of stories.
Stories like mine?
Yes, yes.
That you want for yourself
because you think you have no story?
I know you think you're
just a waitress in Florida
and that your story is not unique,
but you are special, OK?
And if you work hard enough
and you try and you persevere,
you, too, can work for
the Superhuman Studios.
Stay victorious.
So yeah, they want
you for "Super Chico,"
the first queer, 5'8" Latinx superhero
on a straight-to-streaming series.
Hell! Hell on Earth.
Julio, your new social
media consultant is here.
She's helped many people get exceptions
by making them famous on social media.
OK, so
Oh, God.
Uh-huh. So can we talk about
the kind of content
that we'd actually post?
I booked you an exercise class
so you can get fit
for the superhero role.
Also, your food
delivery has not arrived.

Excuse me, sir.
Do you know
[GASPS] Oh, my
girl, not my car driving.
Damn, I didn't even
know you was in here.
My bad. I got sleepy.
And when I get sleepy, I go to bed.

Uh, hi.
Uh, my food didn't
come, and I had to leave.
Can we reschedule? No worries if not.
[ECHOING] No worries if not,
no worries if not, no worries if not
Ugh. What is going on?
You picked it up so long ago.
Edwin, where is the food?
The customer is furious.
No worries if not.

Excuse me.
What is this?
A bus stop.
And then I was tagged in a photo of me
with a tummy roll, and I know he saw it,
so then it had to end,
and now I have to start from scratch.
And it's like, I'm too old
to try the acting thing again.
And fuck!
And I'm literally peeling
off a layer of my skin
right now, hoping that I can
see someone new underneath.
And it's like, I'm trying desperately
to find out what my Venus
is, but there's a paywall.
And I don't have an account.
And I hate accounts.
And it's just, like, cut.
I sound so stupid, but
it's like, you know,
the whole world sees me as this mean,
crazy, vapid bitch
that just makes everything worse.
And I just feel like I'm
a scared person with real problems
who just wants love.
Who am I?
So, like, which is it, you know?
God, I'm I'm sorry.
You had a question.
- Uh, yes.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Um, what is proof of existence?
What is proof of existence?
It's it's your thingy.
The what?
It's your it's your thingy.
How how do I get one?
What do you mean?
They just give it to you.
You just go to the app, and
then you put in your social
and your credit score and
I don't have that.
Don't have what?
Any of that.
Well, can you use your parents?
You know, I had to
use my parents' address
after Charles dumped me.
What do my parents have to do with it?
Oh, well, do you have your own Charles?
Sorry, I'm just [SIGHS]
I do know that they do
this thing for people
that are, like, from abroad.
They make an exception, but like,
you need to be, like, a thing.
So what do you do?
Well, do you have any skills?
Like, skills?
When I was in Mexico, I was
what is the name?
Like, I made clothes.
Oh, like a tailor or a designer?
- Yeah.
- That's huge.
What kind of stuff did you make?
I made the dress.
No, you mean to say, I made a dress.
I can show you.
You made that?
You made the dress?
Well, it's a really bad picture.
What color is the dress?
Is it black and blue,
or is it white and gold?
I mean, which is it?
I don't like that question.
It's like, just let the dress be.
OK. Well, which color is the dress?
It's both.

It's both.

It's both.

It's both.
What are you doing tonight?
Today is the day.
ALL: Unlikeable people
can't be believed!
Unlikeable people can't be believed!
To be honest, Dodo's coming off
as a little bit unlikable.
And it's not looking good.
Not looking good.
I'm sad.
Oh, fuck.
She made me a TikTok.
That was fast.
I feel like I need me a Pirulinpinpina.
[SCOFFS] Well, she's not cheap.
All these basic little influencers
have the same house
the TikTok house.

Seems to me like an ocean of beige
beige walls, beige people,
beige carpeted floors
as far as the eye can see.
The TikTok house is
actually 80% kitchen island.
In fact, some say architects start
by finding a kitchen island in the wild
and simply building around it.
Potato chips, Wendy's, whey
they all thrive on the kitchen island.
If you're lucky, you'll even get to see
a kitchen archipelago.
And that right there
is where they keep the cardboard
the cardboard that brought the whey.
This is the sectional.
It snakes through the entire
home and goes out the door,
some say to infinity.
Just don't look behind the couch.
That's where the cords live
cords that will never be untangled.
A countdown clock to Thanksgiving,
a refrigerator with Netflix,
a toilet with Facebook,
a child with Amazon in his eyes.
All right!
Buddy, are you ready to drop
the phone and get jumping?
We were just doing intros.
My name is Derrrick three Rs.
I've been a coach here
at Jumpers for two years.
Any first-time jumpers?
Julio, this is your first time.
Tell us something about yourself.
I'm Julio.
Nice, man. Nice.
All right, let's get jumping.
Whoo! Yeah.
Flick those wrists. Here we go.
Here we go.
Hey, get those knees up.
Here we go.
We're gonna burn so many cals today.
Y'all looking like fire.
Excuse me.
Um, Derrrick?
Um, I can't jump rope.
Well, let's teach you, then, right?
Let's start with a basic jump first.
Relax your wrists.
Yeah, you got it.
Excuse me, Derrrick.
I don't got this.
Well, relax your wrists, then.
- Uh, I'm already relaxed
- Well
- Is the thing.
- It's all good.
Flick your wrist.
Just do a little flick.
This is awful, awful, awful, horrible.
Why do I have to jump rope at all?
Because this is a jump rope class.
Right, but why is it a
jump rope class at all?
It's a great workout.
No, I understand why
jumping is a great workout.
Right? [LAUGHS]
But I can just jump
without the rope, right?
Well, no, I mean, you need the rope.
Why can't we just jump
up and down with no rope?

I'm asking a legitimate question.
Like, if we were to
hypothetically jump in place,
wouldn't we be burning exactly
the same amount of calories
and getting the exact same workout?
If it's about the wrists,
I'll just flick my wrists.
Well, no, I mean, you need the rope.
- Why?
OK, so children jump rope
because it's a game to them.
We're having fun today, right, y'all?
This is fun!
Like, you're kind of struggling with it.
- Just just drop the rope.
- I agree.
- I don't need the rope.
- Tara?
You don't just drop the rope.
You don't need the rope.
Tara, jump.
Jump with the rope, with the rope.
Jump rope, jump rope.
- Just drop the
- Tara, Tara.
- Don't.
- Come on, Tara.
- Jump.
- You don't need the rope.
She doesn't need the rope.
And I don't need the rope.
And you know it, and you're
just too scared to admit it.
Listen, man, it's just,
like, not how it is.
You're going against
something that's been happening
for, like, centuries.
Why are you so obsessed with it?
Because if you keep
pulling at this thread,
everything collapses,
and suddenly, there's no God.

Did you take the photograph, Richard?
Snap the pic?
Excellent, Richard.
Well done.
Now the caption:
"Looking for twinks to suck."
And suck them, I will
of their life, their youth.
Everything is going
according to plan, Richard,
with the help of this mighty tool,
this Grindr oracle.
You will lure in young prey for me.
Once they are here expecting
to be sucked by you,
they will be sucked by me of
their beauty, their energy.
One by one, they will fall.
And once I am sufficiently fed,
I will once more walk the Earth
as a three-dimensional Pomeranian,
imprisoned by this hex no more.
Richard, don't interrupt.
How many naive, young little things
are on their way to be
sucked, not by you, but by me,
of their beauty and their energy?
Um, none so far.
Richard, you feckless imbecile!
You purchased this cursed portrait,
so this burden is yours.
Send more heys quickly, at once.
Deploy your charms, Richard.
Bring me youths!
Someone's typing.
Oh, at long last, I will be free.
The prophecy will be complete.
It says, "Sorry, man.
You're cute, but I'm not into it."
Do you think it's the picture?
No, can't be.
This is your best shirt.
So he's not coming, though?
He will not be sucked by me?
[SIGHS] Perhaps it won't be today.
Perhaps it won't be tomorrow.
But one day, I will be free.
You know, type that.
Tell him that.
Type as I say.
Perhaps it won't be today
or tomorrow
No, perhaps it won't be tomorrow.
There's beauty in the
parallel there, Richard.
Fuck's sake.
Perhaps it won't be tomorrow
But one day, I will
Be free. Come on. Type it.
What are you waiting for?
Bibo, there's two
ends of the necklace
a left and a right.
No, take your left and
put it into the loop.
Into the loop.
The middle loop.
The only loop.
Bibo, look at the necklace.
The end of the left into the loop.
No, the end of the left into the loop.
No, no. Bibo, calm down.
You know, let's OK, let's
let's maybe take a
break from this project.
It's OK.
I'm sorry my programming
has failed you, Julio.
That's OK, Bibo.
Am I still getting paid today?
Yes, Bibo.
Yay! Payday!
Um, is that all you wanted to ask?
Also, Bibo wishes to be an actor.
So obviously, Bibo will need a raise.
A r you want a raise to be an actor?
No, so Bibo can take acting
lessons to do stuff like this.
Mama, Mama, do not get on the train.
Please, Mama.
OK. Yeah.
I think I think
lessons would be good.
And headshots and a trainer.
Ooh, and a Soho House membership
to mingle with industry insiders.
Also, I'm going to need time off work.
So you want a raise
and time away from work
so you can pursue
acting within work hours?
And a promotion.
A promotion to what?
To head Bibo, or no, Bibo manager.
From here on, you are head Bibo.
Wait, no.
Associate Bibo manager and a raise.
Fire alarm.
No. Incoming call.
Thank you, Bibo.
I knew it.
Zappos called about
the superhero thingy.
They wanna meet with you.
OK, great. Great, great, great.
'Cause I've been getting
in shape by jumping a lot.
In shape for what?
Well, to play the superhero.
they don't want you for the part.
No, they they want you to cowrite it.
Otherwise, it looks bad
if only some Kevins
and a couple of Brians
are credited on "Super Chico."
Cowriting is not gonna
get me an exception.
How about this idea?
How about Super Chico discovers
that what people actually need
isn't rescuing from some alien
that wants to destroy planet Earth,
but what people actually
need is for these corporations
that come up with
these inspiring stories
to pay their fair share
in taxes so that people
can have stuff like, I don't know,
health insurance?
Sorry, baby, but you can't
get an exception to proof
with ideas like that.
Also, no luck getting you the biopsy.

I talked to every
shady doctor in the biz,
and they all say they simply can't do it
because it's a birthmark,
and they don't want to get sued.
There's always the
credit card commercial.

I'll take it.
Miss Vanesja?
Your bill.
Just charge it to the account.
What is the issue?
- I
- Ugh.
There is no account.


Ah, yes.
Just one drop, and
he'll be gone for good.
Oh, hello. Hi.
I'm just fixing you a drink.
You should which one was it?
Which one?
Yes, here.
I bet you'll find it quite exquisite.

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