Farscape s04e07 Episode Script

John Quixote

Do you care for a game? Belongs to Crichton, but he is not on board at the moment.
Do you know how to play? And this Mmm porn.
I figure a relationship is based on trust.
I didn't want to tell you about the pregnancy | until I was sure.
What's he doin' here? | What does he want? He wants asylum.
Crichton you've gotta try these.
- Crichton! | - What? - You're doin' it again.
| - What? - Zoning.
| - No, no, I was just - thinking.
| - Well, the Aeryn in your head can wait.
Come on come play these games with me.
Games? | Looks like some kind of sick root.
It's organic matrix.
Reality games.
Press the flesh.
Sikozu if you were to open the door | we could play properly.
Chiana? Pip! You know you're completely vulnerable.
Pilot, Moya, hey, where are you guys? | I need to get a fix on your position.
- Crichton! | - Yo, D! How ya doin' man? - Crichton, where are you? | - You have got to see this.
- Tell him about Scorpius! | - Not right now, Chiana.
Crichton, we're having | a small problem with Scorpius.
- You have got to try this one! | - Hang on a sec! What the hell? Hey, wait, wait.
Son of a Hey, wait for it.
Wait for it.
This way! You have to hurry! - Gilina? | - Come on, we gotta hurry! Come on! This is just a game right? Drad, huh? Bring back memories? Gilina.
Scorpius Gammak Base.
I'll save you! Stark? - Now, this is | - This is weird.
| - not right.
We shouldn't just | we shouldn't just switch levels like that.
No, no, no.
| I mean, somebody's messing with us.
Well, I'm sure there's some | really good techno-babble You know what? | Screw the explanation, Chiana! We got a problem with Scorpy on Moya, | and pods do not fly themselves! We need out! Help! Help! Help.
Now I know somebody's messing with us.
| We gotta end this now.
Just say you want out.
I want out.
Yep! That's standard override.
Try again.
I want out.
IWANTOUT! JOHN QUIXOTE Hey, you okay? - Anyone home? | - What happened? I'm not sure.
| Something's gone fekkik up.
Damn, that hurt.
But I wouldn't | I wouldn't try and move that.
Yeah, it might make things worse.
Oh, my god.
How? - Stark! | - Stark? - You're here.
| - I'm supposed to be here.
I am everywhere.
I am 'Stark' avatar.
| Guide to the game embodied! You're the avatar? What are you doing here? All players are | supposed to begin at the Gammak Base.
Pip? What do you want me to do? | The auto-out didn't work.
Oh, dear.
- Oh, dear? | - Oh, dear? You say you were | on a transport pod alone? Just you two? - That's not very smart.
| - Right.
- So we'd like out now please? | - I'm afraid it's not that easy.
- Could be broken.
| - Okay Stark.
Some questions.
- Who's the designer of the game? | - Yoti.
Neural template? Yours truly, and an infusion of | the dead John Crichton's memories.
- Excuse me, you saw my memories? | - Yeah.
You appear to have back-doored into | a part of the game that, technically speaking, | shouldn't even exist.
So, you're kind of stuck I think.
Chiana Scorpius! Ah, stop being such a welnitz.
- Brain damage and death is | - Brain damage?! It's very rare.
It's very rare.
My name is John Crichton-Crichton.
The most notorious criminal in the known universe.
Too general.
I need the manual.
I may look Sebacean, but I'm not-not-not.
Billions upon b-b-billions upon billions of lives | hang in the b-b-balance.
Hang in the b-b-balance.
I may look Sebacean.
Hang in the b-b-balance.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it.
Journey to the source of evil-evil.
Discover the darkness.
I'm gonna kill Stark.
Discover the darkness.
Have a good day.
Specifications, specifications here we are.
"In farthest space, beyond the knowing charts | the horrid human and his band appear.
" "And though they play today at different parts, | the core of subtle truth beneath is clear.
" "The path of choice may draw you dark and deep | where flesh deformed doth keep the dream alive.
" "And if the way your compass cannot keep, | some pearls of wisdom to thee do I give.
" Ha! This should do it! "Your quest is for the Princess Fair to seek.
" | "The one a human's fleeting love did rend.
" "Bring forth the sword and through the darkness | peek.
One loving kiss amends, and there's an end.
" "And if we shades with taste do not agree, | a door of green shall set your senses free.
" That was great! What was that? Your way out.
Kiss the princess.
Kiss a princess? The Princess, and you're out.
Or find a green door.
Either way vouchers.
Each one good for one answer to one question.
Squeeze them hard, use them well.
Times up.
Games on.
Good luck.
Have fun.
The tower's up but up is down.
Follow the path through the fairy town.
- I have some questions.
| - Path? Up is down.
Start lookin'! Kiss the princess, you gotta like that.
I have a list of reasons | why I ain't gonna like any of this.
Would you call that a path? These things look like chocolate coins.
Frell me! That's a path.
Hey, what happens if I die in here? Uh, game death, it resets on the current level.
Yeah, unless normal operation is suspended.
You see a green door? What do you suppose is in there? With our luck? Maldis.
Hey, man.
Relax, tagama.
| I am Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan.
Tenth level Delvian priest.
Blood kin to the piezor who beat Scorpy's ass.
And youand you you're invading | my parking space.
Now, frell off ! - Hey, w-where where, ah where? | - I know who you are.
You're a couple of pilgrims | on some damn-fool quest.
Hey, he's hurt.
- He's hurt? | - Yeah.
Well, he's gonna be more hurt if he tries to kiss the princess.
- The ogre'll get him.
| - O-ogre? Be still.
It's gonna hurt a lot.
- He doesn't look so good.
| - Yep, he's bad.
He's goin' south.
It's milkin' time baby! | Hamman side looma for the cure! Thank you.
Yeah Better get ready to keep him quiet.
The ogre's not gonna let you kiss her, you know.
- He'll be jealous.
| - Feed him, you fannik! Okay, here's the good stuff.
Here it is.
Frell acid! Okay! Try the other looma.
Very good little nixa.
| Most get burnt the first time.
Here we go other looma.
Next time lucky.
Unless the ogre gets wind of this, | then there'll be trouble.
Okay, here's my boy.
Keep it down keep it down.
This is bad! Ooh, he had to hear that! Buckle up, buckle up, buckle up! - Who had to hear?! | - The Big Kahuna! It's the ogre! It's him!! Get out! Get out! I don't wanna really - This is Zhaan? | - Yeah! Oh, the horror.
The new and improved Zhaan.
How are you feelin'? Fruity.
If you say so.
- You have to Crichton | or these games will eat you up.
| - All right, I'll try.
- Just give it a go | - I said I'll oh! None shall pass.
Check this out.
Brave Sir Knight, | I am King Arthur of Camelot.
This is my loyal vassal, Patsy.
Bollocks! You're a pimped out arrogant fleshie | who wants to use my road where none shall pass! - Right! | - Well, that went great! - Let's kill him.
| - No, no, no.
He's not gonna move too fast luggin' all that armor | we can just go around.
None shall pass! All right.
- Frell! I thought you said this way! | - I changed my mind! Hey, Pip - you see a path? | - No.
No, I don't.
I said to wait! But no, you want to play games | while Scorpy is on the ship! Not to mention | the potential brain damage, Chiana.
A green door.
We need a green door.
| Just just ask.
Voucher one question, one answer.
Warm tonight, or is it just me? Stark, we want out.
The tower's up, but up is down.
| Follow the path through the fairy town.
Later! Stark, you get your ass back here now | or I'm gonna come kick your lily white That's it.
- What are you doin'? | - Follow the path.
The path ends here.
Okay, what are you doing here?! Hey, Gretel | you think they're here to eat? Uh we're just passin' through? The Princess.
Please The ogre's gonna have my hide | if I let you go without some molestation.
Frell you, handsome why is it never my Hey, look, we-we-we don't wanna kiss the Princess, | we just want that, that green door there.
Eat me, please, it's my turn | Eat me, please Shut up! Okay.
So you want out.
No Princess, no taste, no, ah Now this is too easy.
She tastes great Ah she tastes real great.
Go on.
That's it.
That's it.
Go to the door.
Damn! | Way too long in that thing.
Pip, come on! - Pilot? Aeryn.
D'Argo! | - Crichton, where the frell are you?! Ah, just tryin' to get home Auntie Em.
| Hey, you guys got a problem? Scorpius.
- Just do not tell me that he has escaped! | - He has.
And there's a Command Carrier on the way.
- D'Argo, how the hell did that happen? | - We're still working on that.
| We've got lots of bugs in Moya's systems.
Oh, great.
| Well, what does Sikozu say about that? Haven't heard from her since the escape.
But Pilot's losing control of critical systems.
Right, right, right.
We will be there ASAP.
Chiana, damn it, wake up! All right all right.
How the hell does this thing come off? Where's Chiana? Ah, she's too boney.
| Probably tastes like fish.
You don't want to eat her.
- The bloody bitch bites.
| - What am I, chopped liver?! I do not have time for this.
How come nobody ever wants to eat me?! - In here.
| - Where? In here! Back so soon? | And I thought you didn't like us.
Where's Chiana? Could you be more specific? Little gray girl | a sword, and a fluffy hat.
Girl of gray with swords of play.
| Girl of gray went that-a-way.
Wait for it Mind the gap.
eenie, meenie, minie - Floor please.
| - Me! Where the gray girl went.
The Penthouse.
Do you have an appointment? You know, this'd be vaguely amusing | if I wasn't in a hurry.
It's your funeral.
| So-so-so-so, what-what brings you here? | Business? Pleasure? That's a nice sword you've got.
| Ever slay any dragons with it? You should give it a name.
How about Cameron or Uma-Uma-Uma? First floor-first floor.
| Little lost girls.
Have a good day.
Yes, I know.
This elevator sucks.
My job suck-suck-sucks.
Day-after-day, the same-same thing.
Up-down-up-down, down.
Just once-just once it'd be nice to go sideways | just-just sideways.
Frog Princess.
Not-not that I plan on doing this forever-ever.
I have plans you know.
Big plans.
I-I'm studying to be an Astronaut.
And Penthouse.
| Have a good day.
I knew it! I knew it had to be you! Ma'am! A visitor.
Yes, I can see that.
I'm so sorry, Ma'am.
| I didn't realize you expected other guests.
That's all right, Harvey.
| Would you let the master know | that we have a gentlemen caller? - He's not the ogre? | - What Harvey? Oh, heavens no he's just an incorrigible liar and the butler.
So, can I help you find some place to | sheath that sword? - No where's, uh | - The grey girl? Don't you worry about her.
My beast of a boyfriend is | showin' her around the place.
- Can I get you a drink? | - No Oh, don't be like that.
| You must be parched from comin' all this way.
I only want Chiana.
Oh, no We both know that's not true.
Honey! We're out of ice.
Steady on there, meat.
We just finished redecorating after | the last blood bath we had in here.
It's a little joke! So you here to kiss the missus? Why do you have to be such a monster? At least I don't spend my days redecorating.
What is it with women and change?! | Seems like nothing is ever good enough.
- Oh you have to save me from him | you have to save me.
| - Chiana!! - Hey! | - What the hell have you been doing?! - We have a problem on the ship, we have to go! | - Okay! See! Every time we meet someone nice | you scare them away! - Something wrong? | - You scare them away! Of course, as usual! Now let's go! D rally the troops, we're comin' in.
- What took you so long? | - Weird detour.
Pilot's blind on the hamman side, | tier seven and eleven.
DRDs are searching there.
| It's likely Scorpius is hiding in those blind spots.
The plan is we hunt him down.
I like that plan.
Aeryn and John, you take tier seven.
And Rygel, stay where you are | and stay out of trouble! This is familiar? What, the passageway? No.
It's good to have you back.
John! - Crichton! Aeryn! He's here! | - On our way, Pilot.
Seal the chamber.
Locked out.
D'Argo? - Pilot? | - Pip? Crichton I can't find D'Argo.
Access shaft.
This way.
Feels like a trap.
Only one way to know.
Pilot? You all right? Everything is finally under control.
- Pilot? | - Not exactly, Commander.
Have you ever heard of a neural harness? Your Pilot's mind is now slave to my own.
Whatever happens to the master | happens to the slave.
If I die so does your Pilot.
Grayza's Command Carrier is on the way.
He's a pathological liar our odds | are not gonna get any better.
Feeling lucky? Aeryn.
He's awake.
He did it, didn't he? | Tagged you with a microchip.
You haven't considered the possibility | that I was protecting Pilot.
The second boot to the head | convinced me otherwise.
She's special, don't you think? You son-of-a-bitch.
Shall we end this? You resisted the Aurora Chair.
You've resisted my Neural Clone, and ah you resist all reason.
- You're starting to sound like Sikozu.
| - Perhaps.
Where does that leave us, John? Time you headed off for darker pastures | and left me the hell alone.
You resist because you have hope.
Hope that your friends will save you.
This time it will be different.
| One by one I will extinguish all your hopes and little by little you will begin to see reason.
Scorpius - We have Rygel.
| - Lovely girl.
I hear that one-quarter Scarran-Sebacean | offspring are quite handsome.
You harm me you harm her.
Hey Crichton Down here.
I've got the game.
Chiana Shh they're sleeping.
Okay? I don't want to have to deal with them now.
Okay, Scorpius | has got control of the whole of the ship.
He's got D'Argo and Rygel everybody.
He can hear everything.
- Not in here.
| - Right.
We can't kill the son-of-a-bitch | without hurtin' the others.
Whatever happens to him, | happens to everybody he controls.
So leave me the game blob thingee.
When I take him down, | you have to find a way to hog-tie everybody.
So you're gonna draw Scorpius into the game.
What are you doing? Working on what your master wants.
So you still think that he controls me.
Does he? Look, the only thing that keeps you alive | is the secret you hold.
And the same is true for me.
He's hearing all this you know.
I know.
I should never have let you go.
Most of this floor you should recognize.
It's an equation describing | the behavior of wormholes.
What it lacks | is the single unifying symbol.
That symbol | is beneath my left foot.
Would you like to see it? You would give it to me? I want you to take it.
Your species has brutal flair.
Anyone else enters this room | I can spill enough blood to erase the entire equation.
Very well.
You know if you kill me Oh I don't think that's gonna happen, | not after all you've survived.
Then again I could get lucky.
- Ah, crap I wasn't su | - Quick, this way! He's not supposed to come | from that direction.
Really, John | you expect to hold me in a simulation? - Seemed like a good idea at the time.
| - This world means nothing to me.
- I see through its very existence.
| - John! Allow me to show you what I see.
Having trouble breathing? I wonder if you die now whether your mind will carry | the wormhole knowledge with it into the game.
Relax John.
| Soon it will be over.
He was killing you.
| I couldn't let that happen.
We have to get out of here | before he comes out.
Come on.
- What about the others? | - We can't save the others.
Listen John I came back for you.
Nothing else matters.
I just want to be with you.
Now let's get out of here before it's too late.
Something's wrong.
Something's wrong.
Does this mean it's over? - Chiana!! | - What's wrong? Everything.
We're still in the game.
We never left.
Moya is part of the game.
They changed the doors.
Figured it out, have we? Stark! What the hell is this about? This is all about you John Crichton.
You're far too sick to be allowed to run free in the universe.
When you die on the outside your mind will live on here with us.
Welcome home, John.
- How the hell do we get out of this game? | - I don't know.
- Then this better work.
| - Okay.
Careful, it's your last one.
What the hell's the endgame? One hero's sword to set her free-free-free.
| One kiss upon her lips, so sweet.
Thus ends your quest.
| Thus ends the game-game.
| And thus your soul is saved.
- We already heard that.
| - Yeah, I know that, but finding a door out may be impossible.
If we die, it only resets the level.
One sure way out, we achieve the end game.
We're gonna kiss the Princess.
Run-run-run, as fast as you can, like a budong | No, no, not in the face! Bastard wants us to play, | let's give him what he wants.
That hurt, John.
So, how'd you do it? Who helped? You did you and that tragic brother.
- Pouring his heart out on his deathbed.
| - Bull.
This game has crap he couldn't know.
It's crap you gave me along the way.
You talk so much.
Oh, God no Sikozu, no Noranti Very good! Damn, I guess that leaves one question.
Plants why do they love the light? Oh John! Oh! None shall pass! Where is he? What are they doing here? It's my turn! You are disturbing my meal.
- Chiana | - Yeah? This room seems too easy.
What do you mean? I mean, first time here, | how did you make it through? - Chiana, what's Aeryn's secret? | - What? Aeryn's secret.
Why about me?! Hey Eat this! Aeryn's pregnant.
Frell, Crichton! | You left me there for arns! I could'a died! Sorry about that.
What is it with women and change? You-you-you really are John C-Crichton.
Can I get an autograph? Master We have guests.
- I'm here for the princess.
| - I can see that.
So romantic.
You up for this? Could be fun.
Let's screw the pooch.
I'm all about fun.
Game on.
I learned this on TV ! I'm not gonna clean up! Oh! Come on, Harvey.
| Stop fightin' like a girl.
You need more practice, meat.
I'll make a note.
Oh, girl, I can see who wears | the pants in your family! Redecoratin', blood everywhere She just killed you.
Honey, the butler's dead.
- Hey, Pip! | - Yeah? A little help? That's it, finish him off.
Two against one! Looks like I won't be | having that drink after all! He's mine! How'm I doin'? - I'm comin' back for you.
| - I hope so.
Oh, child! Well, she done it now.
Women! Go on.
- Are you really John Crichton? | - Yeah We are gonna be so happy together.
Chiana? - I don't know.
| - What do you mean, you don't know? | - I don't know! Hey! I know.
Maybe you have to do more than just kiss her.
Maybe "kiss" is a metaphor | for showing her a really good time.
Yeah, and maybe Chiana has to kiss her.
Huh? Can I watch? I love to watch.
She is not the Princess.
What? Well, I'm not the princess you seek.
| But we could still have a really good time.
This is my world, meat.
You're just walking through it for a very long time.
When your body is dead, your mind | will live here with us to strut and fret forever you poor player.
Crichton? Game reset.
What are you doing, John? | D-d-doing John? Your world, your Princess.
One-one pr-princess fair, her br-broken heart | by ug-ugliness enslaved-ug-ugliness-ugliness | enslaved.
Ugliness enslaved.
John, we can work this out.
One hero's sword to set her free.
Don't touch her! She's mine! Mine! Be silent, Stark.
Is that really you, John Crichton? I think yeah.
And you're? Zhaan.
For all that matters.
This Stark wishes to keep you here.
| He blames you.
No! Believes I died for the love of you.
A lot of people have died because of me.
What is it that you wish of me, John Crichton? A kiss? Have you wasted my death | and the deaths of so many others? I don't know.
Then I suggest you find out, | before anyone else dies for the love of you.
D! D'Argo.
- John, where are you? | - Ah I'm not entirely sure right now.
- What's up with Scorpius? | - A small problem with his door but that's already sorted.
| You're long overdue.
Is everything okay? Hey, hey.
We're not dead.
How drad is that! Interesting day? They're all interesting.
This was more like confusing.
And a warrior needs clarity.
- I'm not a warrior.
| - You carry a weapon.
Second amendment.
Besides it's Scorpy's war, not mine.
Thousands dead.
Billions in the balance.
But that's not the war I'm speaking of.
The war of the heart.
Always Aeryn.
Yeah, I don't | think too clear where Aeryn is concerned.
Pain clouds judgement.
Distillate of Laka.
One whiff and the pain is gone for a time.
| It'll help you forget about Aeryn.
Oh and please, don't thank me.
It's been one hundred and fifty cycles since I've since I've felt for someone the way you do for her.
I hear I was a Princess
Previous EpisodeNext Episode