Farzar (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

Baz, Bangs, and Brains

[suspenseful music plays]
[woman on PA] Red alert, red alert!
All Dome City citizens
must come to Renzo Square immediately.
[indistinct chatter]
[Renzo] Hello, my loyal citizens.
Times have been tough for you lately.
There's been an economic downturn,
the alien threat is looming,
and there are used needles
all over the playgrounds.
Can't a man have a hobby?
Also, a lot of women have gone missing.
Can't a man have a hobby?
[Renzo] Point is, I think
you all could use a little good news.
So, I've got a gift
for all the people of Farzar.
I got bangs!
Now you get to shower me with compliments.
I think I speak for all of us
when I say your bangs
are the single greatest achievement
in the history of mankind.
Welcome back to 24-hour All Renzo News.
Bangs. A gift to all of us
from our generous and kind czar, Renzo.
Dare I say, this may even be better
than the Afro puffs he gave us last year.
This happy citizen called Renzo's bangs,
"Humankind's single greatest achievement."
And here's that same lady
after six glasses of wine.
Some fucking gift.
It's like little fucking Dutch boy
bitch bangs.
"Little fucking Dutch boy bitch bangs?"
That lady loved my hair!
Dad, I think people tell you
what you want to hear,
because they're afraid of you.
There's no way people would have negative
thoughts about me and lie to my face!
- Wait.
- Oh my God, your singing is incredible.
Let me see my little guy's face.
Oh yes, he's a handsome little fella.
[adventurous music playing]
Farzar ♪
I'm Susan Weatherby.
And I am Eternahead.
If you are just joining us,
I am an eternal, all-knowing being.
And she has silicone bags in her chest.
Moving on, it's election time on Farzar.
Let's check in with the candidates.
I've been honored to be your
Emperor Supreme for the past 40 years.
And it looks like,
since I'm once again unopposed,
I will remain your
Keeno Bampfardor!
What are you doing here?
I sent you off-planet
to fight an unwinnable war.
I won it.
You defeated the Mcburgerites?
Job well done.
Get it?
What? Nobody likes
fucking burger puns anymore?
I've been gone for 30 years,
fighting your petty wars.
And what did I return to?
Humans have invaded Farzar
and pushed our people off our land!
Why haven't you crushed them?
I've been busy.
We've mostly been
practicing musical numbers.
Well, how else are we gonna beat
those Eastside punks at regionals, huh?
These people deserve a better leader.
Well, we are a democratic society.
So anyone who wants to challenge me
can simply step up to that podium.
I'd like to announce my candidacy
for Emperor Supreme!
Damn it! That's why Brookstone said,
"Do the shark or the guns."
And when I win,
I vow to defeat the humans!
[audience clapping]
Hold your horses.
When I win, I promise to drain the swamp!
Say what?
In a shocking twist, Bazarack has
an opponent for the first time ever.
This battle is going to be hotter
than The Great Solar Flares
of the Neoproterozoic era.
Remember that, Susie?
No? Oh, that's right. You're not eternal.
- I am.
- Maybe not, but at least I have legs.
My absence of legs is my Achilles heel.
You don't have those either.
Unlucky for you,
I have had eternity to think of
the perfect comeback for times like this!
And you
are a poopy bitch.
This just in, Susan Weatherby, pwned!
Listen up.
I've funneled our entire GDP to solving
the greatest threat to our planet.
People having secret negative thoughts
about me behind my back.
And Barry has come up
with a way to fix it.
Introducing The Mega Brain.
[ominous music plays]
It's a supercomputer,
capable of broadcasting the thoughts
of anyone wearing one of these.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's a birthday gift for myself.
A gag gift. Get it?
What, nobody likes suicide puns anymore?
You'll actually be wearing this.
Let's test it!
Scootie, do you like my bangs?
Like your bangs?
I love your bangs!
You look like somebody
dunked a Korean schoolgirl in peroxide.
Negative Renzo thought detected.
You see, Renzo? If someone
has a negative thought about you,
The Mega Brain alerts us
with the person's exact location.
And then, what are you gonna do to 'em?
Nothing. You are.
Your new job is to track down
every piece of shit terrorist
that has a negative thought about me.
This spray-tan, he-man motherfucker
has lost his damn mind!
Thanks for testing it again.
Yeah, that's what I was doing.
Let's see what I'm thinking.
Kill yourself. Kill yourself.
Kill yourself.
Kill yourself. Kill yourself.
[high voice] Will you shut up?
He knows he should kill himself.
[old voice] If you young whippersnappers
don't keep it down,
he'll never kill himself.
[high voice]
Wait, I think they can hear us!
[Barry's voice] Never mind that. Any of
you other personalities as horny as I am?
[high voice] Sure!
[old voice]
Well, most certainly, old chap.
[Charles] I'm Pineapple Charles
and I'm harder than dry rice.
[voices clamoring]
Yeah, you don't have to wear one.
What are you doing, man? I wanted to hear
that Pineapple Charles brain orgy!
[ominous music plays]
You lazy fuckers
are gonna make me lose this election!
Work harder, you good-for-nothing,
piss-smelling morons!
You talking to me, boss?
No, not you, Harold.
You're doing great. Keep up the good work.
Please don't kill me.
Here's the voting machine you asked for.
Hoo! I just flew in from Gruptor,
and, boy, are my rotation rotors tired.
A zing, zing, hello!
I said we needed a hacked voting machine,
not a hacky voting machine,
you fucking turd balls!
My new invention
will surely win you this election.
It's an interactive campaign poster.
Vote for me!
Uh, the voice is a little shrill.
Shrill? I'll kill you, motherfucker!
- Goddamn, the poster's got a gun!
- [screams]
- Fuck this!
- I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!
I love it! Put 'em up everywhere.
- [screaming]
- I'll kill you, motherfucker!
[Renzo] Welcome back to All My Renzos.
Renzo, I feel like
I don't know you at all.
That's because all this time
you thought I was Renzo.
But I'm actually
Holy shit! Renzo was Renzo the whole time?
I did not see that coming.
Yeah, this show is awesome.
Actually, I felt his thespian skills
were mediocre at best.
It was totally devoid
of emotion and nuance.
Nothing I hate more
than a flat performance.
Thought Police!
Hit the ground or I'll blow
your negative Renzo thinking brain out!
Black bag him!
Well, back to my stories.
Shouldn't I help Belzert?
Oh, shut up, brain.
Just for that I'm gonna fuck you up!
Dar, dar, dar, dar, dar ♪
Yeah, that's more like it.
Yeah, I know this guy is a big war hero.
I would have gone to war too,
but I have a boner spur.
See, I was in the Space Navy
until I had shore leave on Planet Disco.
I was doing rails and poppers
till 4 a.m. with some of the local color.
I blacked out, but they tell me
I stumbled into a piercing joint,
whipped out my junk and said,
"Give me a spur and make me a cowboy!"
When I woke up,
my dong looked like a giant purple snake
with pound cake stuck in its braces.
They said I had a nasty infection
and gave me a medical discharge due to
all the, you know, medical discharge.
Uh, that question was about education.
He's all show and no substance.
What kind of leader feels the need
to wear a skull on his chest plate?
I wear this skull because it's scary!
[all gasp]
So our faces are scary to you?
Uh, yeah. What am I, a bad person for not
wanting you to move into my neighborhood?
What's next?
Frankensteins and Draculas moving in?
I'm trying to live my life,
not do the fucking monster mash.
Bazarack is down 90% in the skull-people
district due to these comments
and a picture that emerged
from last Halloween of him in skull face.
Although, he is doing quite well
with skull people without college degrees.
We'll be back after these messages.
[man] Bazarack Francine Finkelstein
is an A1 son of a bitch.
Do you want to vote for the man who said,
"I'd like to write my name
in a baby's soft spot like wet cement"?
He's been kicked out of 12 improv groups.
He thinks birds aren't real.
He spent billions of your tax dollars
to build himself a palace
made entirely of candy.
Basically, Bazarack is a stupid, insecure,
self-serving, narcissist douchebag.
I'm Bazarack Killdiedeath
and I approve this message!
Wait, you ran that ad?
Hell yeah, I did!
Better to get out ahead of all that stuff
before one of you
good-for-nothing rats leaked it!
Not you, Harold. Don't kill me.
Master, the new polls are in.
Why do we need poles? Is your wife
trying to make some extra money?
Hoo! Zing, zing, hello!
How may I direct your laugh?
The election polls, Master.
And I hate to tell you this,
but Keeno is beating you by 99%.
What? This is all your fault,
you stupid fucking minions!
Excluding Harold, of course.
I think it has a lot
to do with that commercial you ran.
What do you know? You got a fat wife!
She's 90 pounds, sir.
That's pretty fucking fat for a cockroach!
I've had it! I'm going to my candy palace!
[engine revs]
Where are you going?
You saw the polls.
Bazarack is going to lose.
We're going to try to go get jobs
with Keeno. You should come with us.
No. Bazarack is our leader.
And we have to stay loyal to him,
because he's the best man for the job.
I mean, not all of his ideas work,
but at least
they're all really well thought out.
There was no way to anticipate this!
Good job, S.H.A.T. Squad! We tracked down
everyone who had a negative Renzo thought.
I would also like to thank myself.
Like Mommy always says,
"I'm a smart and handsome leader."
And we couldn't agree more.
Handsome? [laughs]
You look like a goddamn plucked penguin.
What? The rest of you
don't think I look weird, right?
Fichael look like loaf of bread with eyes.
Zing, zing, now you're cooking!
Ugh, at least you don't have to kiss him.
His breath smells like a cat's butthole.
See, even Val thinks you're a loser.
The loser whose ass looks hot as fuck
in those tight pants.
Oh, shit. I, uh
You know, I think mine's broken.
Broken, like Fichael's pelvis
when I was riding him
in that dirty, dirty dream last night.
[robotic voice] Alert! High level
of negative Renzo thoughts detected.
These negative Renzo thoughts
are off the charts!
- And they're coming from the palace.
- [beeping]
I think someone
may be planning to hurt Dad.
Oh, who cares?
All of you will die by my hand
one day anyway. [chuckles]
Yup, she's gonna snap soon.
Hey everybody, I'm Pineapple Charles.
How did Pineapple Charles get in my head?
Freeze, Thought Police! Who's the scumbag
with all the negative Renzo thoughts?
It was me.
I put on the headset
to hear me compliment myself,
but I thought horrible things.
I don't understand. I love myself!
No, you don't, you pathetic piece of shit.
You know your bangs are garbage
and your pecs
look like flippity-floppity flapjacks!
Black bag him!
Stop it, Mal!
Dad, I never knew you felt so bad inside.
I don't like this Mega Brain anymore!
Don't look at me.
I'm going to my meat palace!
[engine revs]
Who the fuck filled the tank up
with KC Masterpiece?
It runs on Sweet Baby Ray's!
[knocking on door]
The boss is coming to dinner.
Hi, Silah. You're looking lovely
for a cockroach.
It's empty.
Yeah, I drank it on the way over.
So I could look at her face. Ha!
How about filling it up for me?
What the hell's up with your house?
Looks like a bomb went off in here.
A bomb did go off in here.
What the hell happened to these kids? Ugh!
Um, also bomb.
Well, cover 'em up with a blanket
or something. They're bumming me out.
Anyhoo, I just wanted to make sure
you weren't gonna quit on me
like those other losers.
Oh, do you plan to start paying him?
Why? Do you want to get your teeth fixed?
Well, looks like
I've patched things up here.
I'm gonna take a big, old wine shit
and skedaddle.
Honey, I know he can be a little much,
but deep down, he's really not a bad guy.
[news theme plays]
I am Eternahead,
here with some breaking news.
An anonymous witness has come forth
with an election bombshell.
For the safety of this individual,
our news team has obscured his identity.
Me not Billy, hey.
One time, Bazarack sneak into Dome City
and launch many bombs at own people.
One land on house of guy
whose name sounds like female tickle spot.
That son of a bitch!
Boy, you guys look pissed.
Is it because I just shit in your tub?
Well, that revelation will likely cost
Bazarack his few remaining votes.
And, Eternahead, you had
something to say, right?
Thank you, poopy bitch.
As some of you know,
archaeologists have uncovered
some insensitive cave paintings
that I made 40 million years ago.
I'm sorry that I wrote,
"I heart munching dino puss."
Thank you for focusing on that,
and not the fact that I invented language!
You fucking people suck!
Someone roll me to my dressing room.
And if you roll me through gum again,
I'll have your fucking ass.
Anything that can make me
insult my own bangs must be destroyed.
Barry, how do we
shut that Mega Brain down?
There's a red, comically large off switch
right inside that door,
but since Mega Brain
can read our thoughts,
we'll need someone with an empty mind.
What are you doing, Fichael?
Wondering if it's illegal
to lick a cat's butthole.
Pfft, my brain is so stupid.
If it was illegal,
I'd be in prison, dummy.
But to answer your question,
I'm here to shut you down.
- I'm just gonna throw a rock at this shit.
- No! That's how robots go evil.
- Don't you know anything about science?
- [grunts]
[ominous music plays]
Must terminate all negativity.
Only one marshmallow?
This ain't rocky road. This is bullshit!
Renzo sir, bad news.
Keeno Bampfardor is
Back in Farzar and he is
Trying to defeat Bazarack in the
- Anything else?
- Negative.
Clitaris, answer the phone! I need you!
Fuck you, Clitaris, don't answer!
You're probably busy
dangling a fish over your fat wife's tank!
I love you. [sobs]
Take my pain away, candy phone.
[Renzo] Pull your shit together!
How did you find me here?
Turns out, we're neighbors.
Just kill me and get it over with.
Put me out of my misery. [sobs]
I'm not here to kill you.
I'm here to help you win your election.
You wanna help me?
I can't have Keeno Bampfardor win.
He's an actual threat to my city,
because he doesn't spend his entire
military budget on a goddamn s'more sofa.
You're right. I suck!
I don't deserve to be Emperor Supreme!
Snap out of it, pointy-headed bitch!
You think you have problems?
Look at my bangs. They're a disaster!
I like 'em.
Well, that happened.
But now we gotta get down to business.
You want to know
the trick I use to stay in power?
I tell my people
all kinds of horrible lies
about you goddamn weird-looking aliens.
So you give them something
to fear and hate?
Exactly. Who could you get your people
to fear and hate?
Skull people suck!
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Why are they even on our planet?
To make us all feel fat?
There's a caravan of skull people
on their way to our border right now.
I've got the video.
[upbeat cartoon music playing]
All right. Hey, thanks so much
for ramming into my brand new car.
Oh, thank you
for not yielding to my right of way.
I wanted to ram into a gas truck today.
Here's my insurance information.
Wow, everyone's so positive now.
I just love The Mega Brain.
I'm on fire, yay!
Remember, no negative thoughts
or we'll all die.
Good morning, S.H.A.T. Squad!
So I was thinking,
since we can't be negative anymore,
I can show you guys something
that I was afraid you wouldn't like.
What do you guys think of my new tattoo?
Oh, yeah.
I love tattoos of dudes
about to eat two hot dogs
at the same time, without buns.
I even got a dollop of sour cream
on the tips, the way I like them.
I love it, Fichael.
And I love the tufts of curly chest hair
at the base of the hot dogs.
Welcome to the fuck-life club.
I'm gonna pass out these cyanide pills
and we'll all take them at once.
Why do they need cyanide pills?
Look at them. Game recognize game,
and these people are suicidal.
Are you guys unhappy?
Not at all.
I've been enjoying
the forced positivity so much
that I didn't realize it was hurting you.
I guess The Mega Brain isn't a good thing,
and I gotta stop it!
But first, hot dog party!
That looks yummy.
I'm harder than uncooked rice.
Huh, Pineapple Charles is back.
The election is heating up!
We go live to Eternahead,
who has been demoted to field reporter.
Thank you, Susan. I'm looking forward
to dancing on your grave one day.
Dance with what exactly?
Got me again.
So who did you two vote for?
Well, we were gonna vote for Keeno,
because we're poor
and he promised
to help the less fortunate.
But then Bazarack reminded us
how racist we are.
I mean, why do skull people
get to be on the pirate flag?
I wanna be on the pirate flag.
I've always dreamed about having my face
on a bottle of poison.
For the latest on the election,
let's go to Kornack at the big board.
Almost all the votes are in.
Let's zoom in to Blarckop County,
to my ex-girlfriend Claire's house.
You can see that her new boyfriend's car
is in the driveway,
so obviously, she voted for being a whore.
Wow, looks like
all the remaining votes are in.
And wow again!
It's a dead even tie!
And with this historic voter turnout,
there's only one person who hasn't voted.
You know that guy? We're in!
Yeah, I don't think so.
He's got a real bug up his ass
just 'cause I blew up his family
or some stupid shit.
You better get over there
and figure out how to get his vote.
I'll be gone when you get back.
And the next time we see each other,
we'll be enemies again.
How can I thank you
for what you've done for me?
Do you do hair?
Hell yes, I do hair!
I attended cosmetology school
before I was expelled
for drinking Barbicide
and snipping off nipples.
[alarms blaring]
[woman on PA] Red alert, red alert!
All Dome City citizens
must come to Renzo Square immediately.
I've gathered you all here
to overload The Mega Brain
and put an end to toxic forced positivity!
Everyone, just trust me. Don't hold back.
Think freely.
[upbeat '80s music playing]
- Gross!
- Whoa, where's his dick?
There! It looks like a little egg
in a hummingbird nest.
[man] Why would you show that?
[man] Man, he's got a little dick.
A little dick.
- Oh, man, he's got a little dick.
- [man 2] Is he Irish?
Yes, yes, it's working.
We just need one more thing!
I'll only say this
once in your entire life,
so I hope you're not catatonic
and can hear me.
Good job, son!
But more importantly,
what do you think of my new hair?
My new barber did it for me.
Too bad he snipped off my goddamn nipples.
[knocking on door]
- Well, I guess we know who you voted for.
- Clitaris isn't here.
- I'm actually here to talk to you.
- I've got nothing to say to you.
Look, I've made a lot of mistakes.
I haven't been the man I know I can be,
and I owe you an apology.
Please, all I'm asking for
is five minutes.
Honey, Bazarack came to talk to me.
He really bared his soul
and told me how much you mean to him.
He promised to do better,
as a leader and a friend,
and I believed him.
I think you should vote for him.
If Bazarack won you over,
he must really be ready to change.
Yes, it looks like my vote
put him over the top.
I'm excited that he finally
wants to be a better leader.
I can't believe you fell for that.
Wait, you killed my wife?!
Calm down. Your wife's right here.
The dead one's her clone.
I think. Unless I got 'em mixed-up.
Anyway, you'll figure it out.
Make a game out of it.
See you at work tomorrow.
[door opens, closes]
[adventurous music playing]
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