Farzar (2022) s01e10 Episode Script

War and Peace

[ominous music playing]
Welcome, great and powerful leaders
of the alien clans.
King Snuffle Snart. President Banana.
Medium Bob Dookie. Leafion the Fifth.
And whatever the fuck you are.
What it is, what it is.
Okay. Thank you so much.
I've gathered you here
for a very important reason.
Hold on, mon.
Where's the leader of the skull people?
You know what? I must have forgotten
to send his e-vite, or I'm racist.
Anyhoo, it's time to launch a great war
to destroy the humans once and for all.
I want you all to join me.
[all laugh]
Join you? We hate you, mon.
What did I do to you?
You scarred me for life.
Oh my God!
Grandma Bob Dookie!
And I know about those non-stop,
offensive banana puns you do.
That's a vicious rumor.
I would never do a banana pun.
I'm just saying,
the human city is "ripe" for the taking.
Watch your ass, mon.
What? Did my humor not "a-peel" to you?
That's it!
Come back. Come back. Sit down.
I'm sorry.
I need you to stay,
'cause I can't stand
to see a banana "split." Whoa!
I'll kill you, motherfucker!
Everybody calm down.
If you won't go to war for me,
do it for Clitaris.
What happened to Clitaris?
Clitaris was killed by the human queen.
We loved Clitaris, mon.
Aw! Damn, man! You could have
just showed us a picture.
We will all join you, Bazarack.
The humans will feel
our furious vengeance!
Who left the goddamn window open?
We late for the big meeting?
I heard we were going to war
with the human city.
Wait a minute.
Don't you two live in the human city?
No, you must be talking
about Flobby and Belzert.
See, we're Flobby and Belzert.
We Intellectoids are clones.
We're all Flobby and Belzert.
If we're going to war,
we'd better make some more of us.
- How the hell does that work?
- We'll show you.
But just so you know, it's a complex
process that's evolved over eons.
I put my tongue in his butthole ♪
That's how we reproduce, eh ♪
Stop! Stop! Stop! I'm sorry I asked.
I'm not. I like that nasty shit.
[adventurous music playing]
Farzar ♪
[suspenseful music playing]
That's right. It's me,
fan-favorite breakout character Sal.
Get your Sal T-shirts at SalTheTaint.com.
[indistinct whispering]
What do you mean
I don't own my own likeness?
Fucking Netflix lawyers!
Man, most of Bazarack's army is just shit.
[upbeat video game music plays]
You aliens are lucky I can't come out,
because my new, ultra-glamorous armor
is chafing my balls to shit.
Dad, I think we're in trouble.
Bazarack has united
every alien on Farzar against us.
They outnumber us 90 to one.
What the hell has gotten Bazarack
so pissed off at us?
Oh, I murdered his best friend.
Anyway, good luck with this shit.
I'm going on vacation with my besties.
Yes! I'm going to get a henna tattoo
and pay a hooker to eat my asshole.
Dad, there has to be some way
to stop this war peacefully.
I'll stop the war, Fichael,
when I win thanks to my super weapon.
[bagpipes play]
Especially when I make
your super weapon even stronger.
[surfer accent]
I could really go for some boba.
What the hell did you do?
You ruined Squiggles!
Don't you know all his anger
comes from being short?
I think I'm gonna go play Frisbee golf.
Maybe test drive a Corolla.
Squiggles is a basic bitch now! ♪
Prepare to die, humans!
Intellectoids, line up!
Oh, sorry, I missed one.
Barry, weapons report.
Oh, it's going great.
I covered the battlefield with land mimes.
- You mean land mines?
- No.
[accordion music playing]
[accordion music stops abruptly]
What was the point of that?
The mime is dead, isn't he?
Also check out my sexual assault rifle.
[indistinct whispering]
Well, damn it, tell me what I can say!
Chaos! Chaos!
Barry, your new job
is to cure Zobo's chaos addiction
before this war
makes him destroy the planet.
Okay, S.H.A.T. Squad,
our troops need a medic.
Well, I actually
went to nursing school before I
Billy, put your nimble hands to use.
War is disgusting. I want a new job too.
Anything you want, Scootie.
Ice cream taster?
That's not really a job,
but you got it, buddy!
Fichael, I kind of want
to do tactical planning.
I have an idea
on how to end this war. Maybe today!
Those are a lot of words, Val,
but they don't mean anything.
Besides, you already have a job.
You're my girlfriend.
If you want something to do, why don't you
knit me a scarf with my name on it?
Sure. What color would you like?
[chuckles uncomfortably]
Why haven't we won yet?
Wars usually take longer
than 20 minutes, Uncle B.
Yeah, well, so do
your fat wife's juicy blowjobs.
I'm not married.
God, I miss Clitaris!
And I'm afraid I'm gonna lose this war.
Day-o! ♪
Daylight come and me want to go home ♪
Yes, reinforcements!
[chuckles] You guys are fucked now!
- Day ♪
- [dance music playing]
Me say day-o ♪
Daylight come and me want to go home ♪
Day ♪
Me say day-o ♪
Daylight come and me want to go home ♪
Come Mister Tally Man
Tally me bananas ♪
Daylight come and me want to go home ♪
Come Mister Tally Man
Tally me bananas ♪
Daylight come and me want to go home ♪
Where the hell are they going?
You think they're pulling around?
Nope, they're leaving.
Don't worry, Uncle B. I made a call.
Shoot me, I'm racist.
I can't move my arm!
Or leg!
Val, this is all your fault.
I'm sorry, Mal.
Hey, wait. I can move
both sides of our body!
Grab my gun. You've got to fight
our way out of here or we're both dead.
But I've never killed anyone.
Ah! Oh my God!
Your first kill can be hard on ya.
Oh God, I fucking love killing!
I feel no remorse!
Thanks for the cool hand, Billy.
[laughs maniacally]
Val? What the heck's going on with you?
- She's completely gone off the deep end!
- Shut up, freak show!
I've been pushing down my feelings
my whole life. I finally feel free!
I don't want you going back
on the battlefield. You're not yourself.
Nobody tells me what to do anymore, bitch!
Val, that's not fair.
That's our word for you.
Don't stifle her.
If she wants to fight, let her fight.
I will murder
every cock-sucking one of you!
Must be that time of the month, huh?
Your mom gets like that
when she's on her period too.
Mom still gets her period? At her age?
Sort of. You ever pull too hard
when you open a cherry Kool-Aid packet?
It's kind of like that.
Yeah, I don't really need to hear about
You ever seen a plane
try to put out a forest fire?
- Oh, Dad!
- I'm serious.
It's like her hoo-ha
took the cinnamon challenge.
I got it!
I have a plan
to cure your chaos addiction.
Oh! What's that?
Taking you to the most orderly place
on the planet.
- The Container Store.
- [triumphant notes play]
Stacks and stacks of containers
in perfect order,
every lid fitting perfectly.
With many months of training,
you will learn to love order like this.
But what if I do this?
Well, now, that's my breaking point.
I just put a bomb in your dick.
It will explode if you indulge in chaos.
You're cured. And you're welcome.
Ah! Brain freeze!
Man, I thought this'd be the best job
in the military, but it sucks too.
The best job in the military
has to be the guy who goes around
and tells all them widows
their husbands were killed in action.
How's that a good job?
That seems terrible.
Because the death of a spouse
makes women super horny.
I've known that
since my grandpa's funeral.
Grandma was insatiable.
Grandpa ended up in a dirt hole,
and so did half the retirement home.
Uh, yeah,
I really don't need to hear about
I'm serious.
That day, she buried her husband,
and two dozen cocks in her snatch.
I got it!
Fichael, first of all, I'm switching jobs.
I wanna be the dude
who tells widows their husbands died.
Second, see that soldier over there?
He said he wants to be on the front line.
Human shield division.
Wow, we need more men like him.
I'll tell you who needed more men.
My grieving grandmother.
I'm telling you, she gave a whole
new meaning to the term "receiving line."
RIP. That's the sound her vagina made.
Really? No lawyer on that one?
[ominous music plays]
Give it up, Renzo.
You're no match for my best friends,
the skull people!
I still got a trick up my sleeve.
Release the corgis!
So do I!
Release the Roombas!
[dogs whimpering]
So this whole war just a fuck around?
We put up a good fight,
but we're losing this war.
I'm gonna nuke this planet,
and we'll find a new place to live.
There's room in the escape ship
for me and you, Fichael.
Wait, I forgot about Easel-bot.
I was kidding
about nuking the planet, son.
Come on, Easel-bot.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Dad, wait! Just give me a chance
to talk to Bazarack.
You got five minutes, then we're leaving.
Me, Easel-bot, Slag,
the corgis, giant Squiggles,
Scootie's fat drug dealer,
and this cardboard cutout of Pickle Rick.
[war drums playing]
I fucking hate war!
There's no Wi-Fi out here for my Peloton.
This war's gonna make me fat! Fat! Fat!
Like that weird-looking new girl
with the B-cups.
Uh, excuse you! The left one's a C.
Prince Fichael?
I'm here because we wanna sit down
and negotiate a peace treaty.
I am kind of over this war thing.
But, Uncle B, we only need, like,
another half hour and we can win this war.
Why do we need to win when we can settle?
Like you did, Clitaris,
with that tub of shit you call a wife.
Damn it!
Anyway, Fichael, I will agree
to meet with your father.
But just so you know,
I happen to be a master negotiator.
I want all your natural resources.
Sounds fair.
I want to keep this pen.
No. I want your horns.
- Okay, but can I have a glass of water?
- No.
I got him right where I want him.
Peace treaty signed.
I super fucked that up.
We have peace on Farzar!
Dad, can we throw a big peace celebration
for the aliens?
I think that sounds like a great idea.
Fuck peace!
I want war.
- Val, calm down.
- [grunting]
You're just trying to control me
like everyone else in my life!
She's still punching me.
What's with your girlfriend, Fichael?
Put her in the dungeon.
I'll straighten her out.
I apologize for that.
As a peace offering,
how would you like your own Wendigo?
Ooh, I'd love one.
What the hell is this?
I thought you meant an RV,
not a goddamn monster.
I almost feel bad
for sending Corporal Lairman out there.
Why? I didn't get a scratch on me.
I'm so glad the war is over.
I can't wait to get back to my wife.
She gets so horny when I'm gone.
Could you imagine
how sex crazy she'd be if I died?
Oh, I guess I did get a scratch on me.
Don't worry. Nurse Billy will patch that.
[knocking on door]
I regret to inform you,
Corporal Lairman died in action.
Sal, you idiot, she's not horny.
She's just sad.
Well, yeah, I'm sad.
You just told me my daddy died.
Your dad?
[deep voice]
Did I just hear my husband died?
Oh, Lord!
That makes me horny as hell!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Can you do something
about your crazy mama?
Everyone grieves in their own way.
Oh! Goddamn, you strong, bitch!
The death of my spouse has my gash
gooey with grief grease, y'all.
See? What did I tell ya?
That's a season wrap on Sal, everybody.
Good night!
[mysterious music playing]
Since I can't indulge in chaos,
I will just live out my life
all alone up here.
No people, no chaos.
Hey, friend. Are you here
to find inner peace as well?
Actually, I am. [chuckles]
What is your secret?
A man named Barry Barris
put bombs in our naughty bits.
I was a kleptomaniac, but not anymore,
thanks to this bomb in my titty.
I was addicted to peanut brittle,
but Barry made me realize there's
something I like more than peanut brittle.
Not having an exploded asshole.
Praise him.
Whoa! And I thought having
a bomb up my dick was a bad thing.
Maybe it can change my life
for the better.
Just be glad you weren't his patient
before they invented tiny bombs.
Looks like he put a fat man
in your little boy.
Dad? I got us matching T-shirts
to wear to the peace celebration.
What the hell's this?
What is this?
The end of the aliens.
I couldn't have done it without you, son.
I've been working
on my ultimate weapon for years,
but the missing ingredient was alien DNA.
Thanks to your alien immigration,
I had all I needed.
Hey, Fichael! Your dad is cool, man.
He lets us live in this escape room.
- The puzzles are real hard though.
- But we ain't giving up.
I think the answer's got something
to do with those two turds in the corner.
- Them are your turds, Flobby.
- I know. The mystery runs deep.
And you even had the idea
of gathering them all together in one spot
for the peace celebration.
I'll wipe them all out
before they know what hit 'em.
And here's the best part.
I built one for you.
I even gave it two C-cups
because I know you're self-conscious
about your mismatched milkies.
Join me. We can finally
bring real peace to Farzar
and rule the entire planet
as father and son.
I really thought I could change you.
I guess Bazarack was right. You are evil.
Well, I'm wiping those aliens out
with or without you.
No, you're not, because I'm gonna
tell 'em what you're planning.
I thought you might say that.
Your girlfriend likes my plan.
And Renzo likes the new me.
Val, don't do this!
I love you!
You love me?
Tell me one thing you know about me.
You're, uh You're a preacher.
I'm a teacher.
Oh, I get 'em mixed up,
'cause I've been molested by both.
You are a terrible boyfriend and I can't
believe I put up with your shit,
just like I put up with everything!
But not anymore, Fichael! We are done.
Do you hear me? Done.
Fuck off and die!
[gasps] Are we having our first fight?
Oh, I gotta get out of here
to warn the aliens!
This is an escape room, man.
There ain't no way out of here.
Unless you're real good at turd puzzles.
Wait, if we create
enough Flobby and Belzert clones,
we could pop that cage door right open.
Great. How does that work?
Oh, you gonna like this.
I put my tongue in his butthole ♪
That's how we reproduce ♪
I stick out my lips ♪
And suck out all the juice ♪
[announcer] The clone scene made
an animator puke, so we cut it.
Great job with the peace treaty.
You gave away everything
and got nothing in return.
What do you mean nothing? Hello!
Have you seen the Lean Pocket
vending machines Renzo gave us?
I know someone's wife
who should switch to Lean Pockets.
I don't know who I am anymore!
How are you going to manage
to give a speech?
Everyone knows Clitaris wrote
all of your speeches.
What do you think, I'm lazy or something?
I'll have you know
I wrote this one all by myself.
[clears throat]
Me Bazarack, hey.
Having peaces on Farzars make me so happy
that I touch chicken penis
with lobster claw
and make sticky mess on floors.
Oh, I get it.
The chicken penis is us,
the lobster claw's the humans,
and the sticky mess,
that's cum, innit?
[aliens gasp]
[dramatic music playing]
Oh, great. More bullshit.
I put my tongue in his butthole
That's how we reproduce ♪
I stick out my lips
And suck out all the juice ♪
Ooh, I hope this door pops open soon.
Congratulations, you made it out!
You didn't even find the key
we hid in your turds.
I fucking knew it!
[aliens screaming]
[dramatic music playing]
Bet this isn't the first time
Lean Pockets made you shit your pants.
Ugh. That was funny and I agree,
but you're going too far, Val.
What Renzo is doing is wrong!
Oh, you will pay for that!
I spent $2 billion
on this perfect metal hair.
You'll regret that.
I hate you!
All my life, you've been out of control
and I've been forced to be the good one.
[Val's mom] Eat your veggies, Val.
Good girls are healthy.
[rock music plays]
[Val's mom] Color inside the lines, Val.
That's what good girls do.
[rock music plays]
Oh, I'm done being the good girl.
Wait, I I can move!
[groans] Piss off, motherfucker!
[epic music playing]
Val? [grunts]
Are you okay?
Leave me alone.
I never want to see you again.
Ow! Oh, oh, oh!
Think you won, huh?
Well, this ain't even my real robot.
[epic music continues]
I told you that
Your daddy is an evil asshole ♪
Sorry, it's catchy.
It's on my SoundCloud, by the way.
Thank you, Fichael.
Barry cured my chaos addiction.
Fuck what I said.
I need you to do a chaos-trophe right now.
It's the only thing that can stop my dad.
I just told you that I was cured.
Besides, I can't indulge in chaos.
Barry put a bomb in my dick.
I didn't put a bomb in your dick.
That would be crazy.
I just made you think
I put a bomb in your dick.
This is why everyone hates you, Barry.
Okay, I will try.
Chaos! Cha
Oh, I guess I did put a bomb in your dick.
Oh God, we're done for!
Day-o! ♪
Oh! They must be here
to save us this time!
- [dance music playing]
- Day ♪
Me say day-o ♪
Daylight come and me want to go home ♪
You bunch of dicks!
Yeah, "bunch." That was a banana pun!
- [moaning]
- [romantic music playing]
Yes! Yes!
Aha! Renzo, she's "Chiquiting" on you!
Uh, I'm so tired
of having to be on all the time.
Mom? Oh God!
Chaos! Chaos!
Zobo? You transformed!
I did? Do I look cool?
Uh sure.
So this is a chaos-trophe, huh?
How did this destroy a planet?
I'm not sure!
Wow! That was some explosion.
Well, to be fair,
at least half of that was a titty bomb.
I thought there was good in you,
but I was wrong. Sorry, Dad.
Now, Zobo!
Are you okay?
What have I done?
I can't believe it. Renzo's dead?
And the Dome is gone forever.
This was always my dream.
All you needed was a little motivation.
You see, I faked my own
Ah! A ghost!
[adventurous music playing]
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