Father Figure (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

Mother Figure

1 Tom.
What? There's something I have to tell you.
Look, I found a whistle in the bathroom.
Oh, good man.
A whistle! Get that our of your mouth.
It's not a whistle! Oh, Mum! Drew, will you go and play in your bedroom, please? I need to speak to your father.
Stop that, Drew.
Tom, now, listen.
It's not a whistle, is it? It's a pregnancy test.
Yes.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Are we going to have a baby? We can't afford a baby.
Well Please tell me I'm not the father.
I think I'll rest a little more Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door Something easy I'll find hard It's the man in me that keeps me running scared Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round And you can't escape from these ups and downs Your dream's on hold for this crazy world But I wouldn't change a thing.
MUTTERS: Stupid baby guy.
Baby MOCKING VOICE: Oh, baby, look, I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh! My waters have broken! Oh, look.
It's a little baby girl.
Hello.
We can't afford you.
That's right.
We cannot afford you.
Little baby.
HE MAKES BABY TALK I'm collecting.
Just collecting.
Do you want a sandwich? No! Ah, I've just remembered.
Oh God.
What about ye?! What's up with that neighbour of yours, Tom? He's seen me having a baby.
Maybe you can get some blinds for the downstairs bog, big lad.
What? No, not Oh, doesn't matter.
What doesn't matter? Ah, your man Brendan's seen Tom having a baby.
Who's having a baby? No-one's having a baby.
Sarah Murphy's having a baby and her mother is 86.
What does it matter if Sarah Murphy's mother is 86? Who's having a baby? Sarah Murphy's having a baby.
Is she? Her mother's 86 though.
I know, I know.
I was only talking to Tom about it.
Talking to Tom about a baby.
Yes.
Is Tom having a baby? I thought Sarah Murphy was having a baby.
Are you having a baby, son? Look, everyone, no-one is having a baby.
He was having a shite.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, this is the last time I'm going to say this.
The test was negative but I have had two kids and I feel pregnant.
All right, all right.
I get it.
You feel pregnant.
Right, now, enough.
OK, maybe I'm overreacting.
Yeah, well, you've taken it better than you did when I said I was pregnant with Dylan.
Really? Yeah.
What?! I know, I can't believe it.
I mean, I thought it was going to take a while but, you know, then it happened and I just Just a once off.
And Drew? Oh, my God, a baby! I know, another one, I can't believe it.
So, listen, I'm going to have to sort out the house because, you know, I have to find some new space OK, I promise this time I'll man up.
Well, let's not be unrealistic.
Now, let's keep it to ourselves until we find out for sure, OK? OK.
ALL: Congratulations! Well done, Tom.
When I said don't tell anyone, I especially meant this lot.
We're going to be grandparents again.
Yeah, and you're not near 86, Mary.
We're pregnant! Roddy, if we were having a baby, we wouldn't need a midwife, we'd need a vet.
I'm just so happy.
Fair dos, son.
Always hard to knock another one out at your age.
Only 40, Dad.
I know, I know, but they're not so much swimmers at that age.
They're more like OAPs queuing at a post office, nudging each other forward until one of them falls off the end.
What now, woman? Blabbing your mouth off about trouser action.
I hope you haven't told the kids.
Erm KIDS: Congratulations! Oh, mind the baby, son.
Mind the baby there.
Where did you find that one? You keep hiding them, I'll keep finding them.
Look, everyone, we don't even know if I'm pregnant until I've seen Dr Lang.
So have you and Dad had sex? I suppose so.
Whay! To the baby! To the baby.
Uh-uh.
HALF-HEARTEDLY: Cheers.
Dylan, where are we going to live now? What?! When the baby comes.
Mum and Dad won't want us any more.
We'll have to go to an orphanage like Annie and Oliver and learn how to SINGS: Sing! Well, I won't have to go to an orphanage, but you might.
Why only me? Because I'm nearly fully grown.
You're not.
They can still swap you if they like.
What? Yup, those are the rules.
What should I do? You have to impress them somehow so they want to keep you instead of the baby.
OK.
I can do this.
You'll defo be going if you do that.
Mum and Dad hate mime.
OK, how about this? TAKES A DEEP BREATH Come on, we're going to be late for school and work.
Yes, Dad! Anything for the best dad in the world.
I'm going to be back late from work because I'm going to see Dr Lang.
Oh, would you reckon we're going to have a baby? Maybe a baby.
Is it a baby baby or a maybe baby? Well, we may be having a baby so it's a maybe baby.
Or maybe we won't be having a baby.
Oh, I'd say it's a definitely baby, not a maybe baby.
You all right, Tom? Mmm yes? You're looking a bit pale.
Am I? Yeah.
Oh.
Not starting to overreact, are you? Nope.
Sure? Yes.
OK, right, come on then, kids.
See you later, love.
Bye, Dad.
See yas.
Bye.
Bye.
I'd love a bowl of coal.
HE RETCHES What about ye? Roddy.
What is it, Tom? You all right? I don't feel well at all.
Here, do I? Do I look weird, Roddy? Tom, we're Irish.
It's our job to look weird.
Look, here.
Here, have a feel.
Have a feel of that.
Hang on a minute, mate.
I know you're one of those stay-at-home wifey types, you know what I mean, but you're taking it a wee bit too far.
Number one, I'm not the milkman.
Number two, you're not my type.
They're bigger.
I'm sure they are.
I've got moobs.
You have moobs.
I do not have moobs.
You do.
Conical pecs.
Well, they're bigger than your moobs.
Yep.
They definitely Yep.
They are bigger.
They're definitely It's definitely bigger.
Isn't it? It's getting bigger too.
It is.
Is that meant to get bigger? I can see you're busy.
The Church can wait.
Hell won't, though.
OK.
Weirdo.
Look, Tom, I think I need to get out there.
Get myself a woman.
You know? You sure that's a good idea after the speed dating scenario? I'm from Belfast, own my own bar.
Don't have a cat, do have a dog.
Probably got cats I don't know about.
Same as the kids.
Only joking.
Ha! I've got impetigo, bad back and I've never been to Paris.
Done the lot of ya! HE LAUGHS Write that down, sweetheart, fastest speed dater ever.
Tom, I need to get out there, get on the internet, let the girls know that Roddy's back in town, do you know what I mean? Set up some dates and stuff.
Pints, Friday? Erm, you know, I don't feel like I should be drinking any more.
Going to leave that blasphemy with you.
I'm out of here like Vladimir.
My God.
What's happening to me? What's wrong? TV: 'We've got buggies, baby grows and baby bargains galore.
'At Motherland.
Remember, all good mothers come to Motherland.
'Come to Motherland.
'Come to Motherland.
' Must go to Motherland.
Must go to Motherland.
Motherland! Nope.
No, definitely not.
Oh, yes.
Hi, my name is Janet.
I like pets and walking in the countryside.
Fair enough.
I like nice conversation even though I'm a bit shy.
Aw, the quiet ones are the wild ones though.
I like archery, chess and bread-making.
God, I love baps.
I'd like to meet a man with similar interests.
GSOH essential.
GSOH? GSOH.
"Well, hello, Janet.
My name is Roddy.
"I like what you like and, don't worry, I have GSOH.
"Good size of hands.
" Send.
Please don't be a bloke.
So, those blood results will take a day or two.
We'll call you then.
OK, thank you, doctor.
Are you on your own? Yes, I am.
Jeez! Was.
Well? We still don't know.
The doctor had to do a blood test.
Congratulations.
Are you deaf? She doesn't know.
Now get rid of it.
But it cost a tenner.
I said to get rid of it! There you go, love.
Congratulations on the baby.
I'm not pregnant.
Get out! I am so sorry.
Men - you can't live without them and if you kill them, you have to go to prison.
Get out! Get out.
Sorry.
Take it easy now, Elaine.
We have you.
We have you.
Grab her other arm there, Pat.
I have her other arm, woman.
Now, breathe and take small steps, Elaine.
Will you get off me? Go and sit down, Pat.
I don't even know that I'm pregnant yet.
Well, a maybe baby is good enough for me.
Elaine? What? You better come in here quick.
MUSIC: THEME FROM "BLACK BEAUTY" HE SINGS ALONG THROUGH SOBS Help me! Tom! You said you weren't gonna overreact.
This is the worst yet.
I'm sorry.
We can't afford all this stuff.
I couldn't help it.
I just thought it might just cheer me up.
Oh, will you stop weeping? Oh, I can't help it.
I'm just so happy! We don't even know for sure yet whether I'm pregnant.
It's just that Roddy, he texted and, er he has a date.
Isn't that beautiful? HE SOBS.
But not Not as beautiful as these.
Give me that.
You're starting to stress me out.
I'm the one who might be pregnant, not him.
Christ, soon his boobs'll be bigger than mine.
I'm right here, you know! Yeah, we all know where you are, Tom, you take up half the room.
HE GASPS That is so hurtful.
Can you believe this? I blame his father.
It's not Pat's fault, Mary.
Ah, no, she blames me for everything.
She even asked me where I was when JFK was shot.
No, you eejit, that's just something people ask - like, "Where were you when Princess Diana died?" I didn't do that either, woman.
Elaine, this exact same thing happened to this eejit when I was pregnant with Tom.
A full-blown sympathetic pregnancy.
HE GROANS Pat doesn't even remember it, do you, Pat? Remember what? Is it your birthday? Oh, God.
No, not our anniversary.
Oh, you look lovely, Mary.
Is it your hair? Have you had your hair done? How would you even know? You spend all your time ogling that woman from across the road.
For God's sake, woman, she only tucked me shirt in once.
Am I to be punished for it for the rest of me life? Is Dad having a baby, Mum? He thinks he is.
Two babies? Aargh! TEARFULLY: They're such great kids.
I love them.
Oh, I need to calm down.
Oh, getting a bit stressed.
WHALE SONG PLAYS I cannot take much more of this.
What's the cure, Mary? I don't know.
Pat went all the way with his.
I'm not taking this for nine months! Can you look after the kids, Mary? No bother, love.
Come on, Tom.
We're going to the doctor.
Oh, good idea, a check up.
Ooh! Oh, I hope she warms her hands before she checks me down there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Grandad? Yes, Drew? I was wondering if you could help me with a school project.
Ah, no worries.
I love a bit of homework myself.
Great.
First question - where do babies come from? Mary! MARY: I'm busy! Babies? Yeah, babies.
Where do they come out? Mary, I need you! Is it here? Or here? Is it here? Mary! So, how is he? Well, he seems fine.
I've taken some urine and blood samples in case of any fever, but although sympathetic pregnancies are quite rare in men, he is showing all the signs.
Did I mention my cracked areolae? Yes, many times.
Well, let's hope it wears off soon, eh? Oh, Elaine, when we get home, can we get some Vaseline for my bruised and battered nipples? Good luck with that.
Listen, thanks, Doc, you've been brilliant.
Thanks.
OK Great.
So brilliant.
So nice to me.
All right.
Come on, leave the doctor now.
That's OK.
Yeah, let's get you home, love, before you start lactating all over the place.
I think I got a little bit on her top.
And so, in conclusion, yes, that is where babies come from.
Right.
Right.
Well that's that all cleared up, then.
Yep.
And now I know where it's going to come out, I can capture it and then hide it.
Why would you want to do that, love? I have to stop this baby coming, cos if I don't, Mum and Dad are gonna get rid of me.
Who told you that, son? The one they're going to keep.
Dylan.
Oh, did he, now? Yep.
And now, I must get back to the "stop the baby" planning room.
Hi, Drew.
TOM SIGHS Oh, I'll just go for another wee.
Everything all right with the boys? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we, er We learned a thing or two.
Any luck at the doctor's? What, with Mother Goose out there? No.
No luck.
She said I have to humour him.
I keep getting that mixed up with wanting to smack him in the face.
Drew thinks he has to leave once the baby comes.
Who told him that? Our little pal Dylan.
What about ye?! HE CHUCKLES.
Roddy.
I didn't know you were appearing in court today.
Got a wee surprise for yous.
Is Tom about? Oh, is he? He's in the toilet having a baby.
I think the father might be that Chinese meal we had the other night.
There's somebody I'd like yous to meet.
Oh, Roddy.
Exciting! Is it Mary Berry? I hope so.
I love her cakes.
Not as much as I love yours.
Janet, I'd like you to meet Mary.
ON LAPTOP: 'Hello.
' And this is Elaine.
'Hello, nice to meet you.
' And this is Pat.
Where is she? Hello? She's in here, Pat.
Look.
In there.
Is your date a film? Oh, eejit! Even I know she's online.
SHOUTING: Hello, Janet.
I'm Mary and this eejit here is Pat.
Hello, Janet! Hello, everybody.
Ooh, you have such a Such a lovely house.
Well, this isn't weird at all.
Oh, who's that? Isn't she lovely, Elaine? Oh, there you are, Elaine.
I know it's a bit odd but when I first saw Roddy on screen, the way the camera captured his face.
I know, like a chimp sneezing.
I just I fell for him immediately.
I couldn't wait to meet him in person, so I just went for it.
And have you been out the country long, Janet? No, I'm in Watford.
But we've had such a good time.
We've just clicked, if you'll excuse the pun, Elaine.
SHE GIGGLES.
The best time ever, wasn't it, Janet? SHE CHUCKLES Well, I think we should have a little drink to celebrate.
Would you like a drink, Janet? Are you going to email it to her? Can you do that now? In my day, you know, you met a girl at a dance, but now you just carry them around in a bag.
I think she's lovely, Roddy.
SHOUTING: You're very nice, Janet.
Oh, thank you! There you go Janet.
There's a little drink for you.
Janet! Janet! I've lost her.
Lost who? Janet! Ladies and gentlemen, and everyone who's not sure.
Please welcome, for the last time before the baby comes, Drew Whyte.
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC STOPS Please keep me.
Please keep you? When the baby comes.
Please don't get rid of me.
Who told you we were going to do that? Got you, sucker! Oh, come here, Drew.
You're not anywhere.
To see my little boy dancing.
Dancing like a king! A king! Dad, get a grip.
Right, Mary.
Let's go.
You too, Dylan.
What? MARY: I've packed all your stuff.
I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, yes you are.
You see, whenever there's talk of a new baby coming to a house, the eldest has to leave the house for ever and stay with the oldest members of the family so we can pass on all the knowledge to you.
(Yes!) No, no, isn't it the youngest that goes? Oh, no, it's definitely you.
Sure, you'll have great fun with us.
Ah, you'll have a great time watching Countdown every day and feeding us our tablets and best of all, scrubbing us down in the bath.
And remember to go in between your granddad's toes.
It's like the inside of a quiche down there.
Yeah, and your gran loves having her hair washed.
And you can get your fingernails right down onto the scalp, then brush all the flakes away with a comb.
While I sing.
Yeah, she loves singing.
Come on! Mum! Dad! Bye, son.
Hope to see you again some time.
Bye-bye, Dylan.
No! No! MARY: La la la la! I'll get Dylan later.
Tom, I can't take 9 months of this.
Oh, I know.
You wouldn't do my cracked nipples, would you, Elaine? Oh! I'm sorry for spilling that wine on you earlier.
It's OK, Roddy.
Night-night.
Night-night.
Turn the light out, Roddy.
No, you turn it out.
No, you turn it out.
No, you turn it out.
After three.
BOTH: One, two, three.
Oh, Janet.
Roddy! SHRIEKING LAUGH I think I'll rest a little more Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door Something easy I'll find hard It's the man in me that keeps me running scared Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round And you can't escape from these ups and downs Your dream's on hold for this crazy world But I wouldn't change a thing.
Breathe breathe breathe! Push, Tom! Push! TOM PANTS MARY: This takes me back, Pat.
Oh, yeah.
He gives birth just like his dad.