Father Ted s01e05 Episode Script

(Helicopter) (Crash) I must have read that ten times.
I love a bit of Oscar Wilde, I suppose.
- He does it for me.
- Oh, Wilde.
"The only thing worse than being talked about - "is not being talked about.
" Exactly.
Wilde couldn't have put it better himself.
It was him who said that, actually, Father.
Yes, yes, but I don' think he'd have said it in that kind of ladylike way.
You're a charmer, Father.
Miss Clarke, I don't suppose you'd sign a copy of the latest? I'd be delighted.
Father Ted Cri No, just Ted Crilly.
Don't bother about the Father.
I envy you really, Father.
You must have great peace of mind, being a priest.
That's what I'd love.
A feeling of serenity.
Oh, I have serenity coming out of my ears.
Too much serenity, really.
Bit of excitement would suit me.
Thanks for the autograph.
I have to go.
Some nuns are visiting us so we're busy.
- Ok, Father.
- Thank you.
- Good luck with the book.
- Bye.
Feck.
- Hello, there.
- Father Curley.
- Going up? - Thanks.
(Ted hums ) Well - Good luck again.
- Thank you, Father.
- Bye.
- Goodbye.
Well, hello again.
Ah, hello.
We have to stop meeting like this.
(High-pitched laugh) Goodbye again.
Good luck with the book.
(Mouths ) (Ted) Change.
Please change, for God's sake.
Good luck with the book.
(Mouths ) Please change.
Please! Please change.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord's - Bye.
- Here we go.
Oh, God Almighty.
Oh, Christ.
Sorry about that.
All right, what's going on? - Miss Clarke.
- What are you doing here? I'm the parish priest here.
That's extraordinary! I think someone's trying to keep us together.
(Laughs ) I've rented a cottage on the island, but it's not ready yet.
The builders suggested I stay here for the night.
Is that Ok? This is amazing! We were both going the same way! Of course, you'd be very welcome to stay the night.
Hello, Father.
I see you've met your guest.
Miss Clarke is staying the night.
- Will you show her the spare room? - What? Will you show her the spare room? Well, yes.
It's just that I was going to make some tea.
You can do that later.
I think tea is a bit common for Miss Clarke's tastes.
All right, come on.
Have a shower.
I mean have a shower if you want.
I don't want you to have a shower, I mean you might like to get out of your clothes, not that it's my concern.
Mrs Doyle.
Ted.
Who was that? Dougal, what do you think you're doing? I was hiding.
- Hiding from who? - From your woman.
I heard her coming so I hid behind the chair.
Dougal, she's only a woman.
I don't know very many women, Ted.
Dougal, what about your mother? My mother?! She's hardly what you'd call a woman.
She's not like the women on the telly.
Like the Gladiators.
She wouldn't be one of them.
I'msure that's their loss.
What about Mrs Doyle? She's a woman.
Ah, now.
Come on.
She is.
She's every bit as much a woman as one of the Gladiators or the lady who runs Pakistan.
What you mean is, she's not attractive in the conventional sense.
You can't think like that any more.
Anyway, who's that one? She's a novelist.
I was at her book-signing.
She's taken a cottage on the island.
Very sophisticated lady.
(Screaming) I'm sorry.
I just got a bit of a shock.
Come on now, Father.
This is Father Hackett.
He gets a bit confused sometimes.
Come on, Father.
No, not your room.
Not your room.
No Arse! Feck! Arse! - Give me the cards quickly.
- Arse! Feck! - What colour? - Blue, quickly! Arse! F Blue has a great calming effect on him.
That's Miss Clarke.
Dougal! - Woman! - Yes, it is a woman, Father.
Right on the button.
Well, have a lovely stay, then.
(Door opens ) Hello, Dougal.
Good idea, Ted.
You're throwing out the ones you couldn't get through.
No.
No, I was just arranging them in alphabetical order.
- Fair enough.
- You're bringing Father Jack out? Yes.
I suppose so.
D'you want to come? No, no.
I'd better stay here and prepare for the nuns.
Father, it's a beautiful day out.
Me arse.
Would you like him on manual or automatic, Father? Automatic.
It's a nice day.
- Might as well take it easy.
- Take your time.
Fair enough.
(Gasps in excitement) Well, Father, I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here.
Hmm? Oh, Miss Clarke.
It's very exciting, isn't it? - Famous novelist here.
- You've never read any of her books.
Actually, I'm a bit of a fan.
I was at her book-signing the other day.
I'm surprised, Father.
I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing.
I read a bit of one of them once.
God I couldn't finish it.
The language.
Unbelievable.
It's a bit gritty.
But that's the modern world, Mrs Doyle.
It's a bit much for me, Father.
"Feck this" and "feck that".
Yes, Mrs Doyle.
"You big bastard.
" Oh, dreadful language.
"You big hairy arse.
" "You big fecker.
" Fierce stuff! And of course, the F-word, Father.
The bad F-word.
Worse than feck.
You know the one I mean.
Yes, I do, Mrs Doyle.
"F you.
" "F your effing wife.
" I don't know why they have to use language like that.
"I'll stick this effing pitchfork up your hole.
" That was another one.
I see what you mean, Mrs Doyle.
"Bastard this" and "bastard that".
You can't move for the bastards.
It's wall-to-wall bastards.
- Is it Mrs Doyle? - "You bastard.
" "You fecker.
" "You bollocks! Get your bollocks out of my face.
" Yes, you just go and prepare for the nuns.
(Mrs Doyle ) "Ride me sideways" was another one.
There we go.
Hah! Miss Clarke! - How did you sleep? - Like a log.
It's so peaceful here.
I need a bit of peace after the year I've had.
I see.
(Sighs ) I've had a rough time of it recently, Father.
My husband left me for another woman.
Though it was my fault, I suppose.
The sex was getting a little boring and I did nothing to spice it up.
Ha! Isn't that always the way? But nearer the end, I tried a few things.
I used to dress up in revealing lingerie, and when he came through the door I leapt on top of him and had sex right there in the hall.
So, you had a good sleep, then? Yes.
Yes, thank you.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry, Father.
I've probably shocked you.
Oh! Go away with you.
I've heard more shocking things through the years in confession.
Do you every think about the future? I used to think about the future, and then it became the present, so I thought about it quite often then, and then it was in the past so I didn't think about it that much.
Do you like Dostoevsky? Oh, him.
Yes.
He's one of my favourites.
I have read that bookten times.
You're reading it again.
You're on page seven.
Did you feel his sense of commitment waned towards the end? Yes.
When did you feel that began to happen? Towards the end, you know.
After he'd finished writing about the crime bit and moved on to the punishment.
I felt it dragged a bit there for me.
I always thought that if Joyce, k eats and Lawrence were sitting in a room together and Dostoevsky walked in, there'd be a hell of a fight for the last piece of pudding.
It's great to talk to somebody about these things.
My husband, there was a man who was really afraid of Virginia Woolf.
Why, was Was she following him, or something? Oh, Father! You You wouldn't like to come up to the cottage later? For a little drink? Maybe some more book talk.
- That would be delightflug.
- Sorry? I'd be delightigetted.
I'll see you later, then.
About seven? Seven o'clock.
(Sighs ) Seven, right.
It's only a drink.
So, you'd no trouble getting here? No.
I drove the Renault, Sister Margaret took the Mini.
It's great having the old car all the same, isn't it? Anyone for more tea? Sister Margaret? - (Meekly) No thank you, Father.
- Sorry? She's fine, Father.
At what time does the Mass tonight start? - Seven o'clock.
- Grand.
We don't want to be late.
- Seven isn't too Aaaah! - Are you all right? Yes, yes it's There's just Seven o'clock, I may have to leave early.
During the Mass? You couldn't leave during the Mass.
It's just, you see Sister Julia says you say a lovely Mass.
She said, you said the nicest Mass she ever heard.
Sister Concepta said that last year's Mass here was fabulous.
Ten out of ten, and she's hard to please.
She's seen, what Is it 50 Masses since then? Show Father Crilly the photographs.
You'll like these, Father.
There's you, saying the Mass here last year.
And that's you saying the Mass the year before.
What's that? Oh, yes, your sister-in-law's funeral.
That's my personal favourite.
That's when you had the beard.
Actually, Father, you couldn't sign a few of them for us, could you? - The photographs? - Yes.
All right.
Could you put on my one, "to Sister Assumpta"? Sure.
Oh! Father, Sister Margaret has a question.
Yes? Where d'you get ideas for your sermons? Where do you get your ideas for your sermons? Oh, just overheard conversations, the news, whatever.
To be honest, I might not.
.
(Shrieks ) Sister Julia, do you have a question? What's your most embarrassing moment saying Mass? Oh, I suppose it was the time I forgot my sister-in-law's name.
That got me hot under the collar.
(All giggling) Anyway Anyway, the thing is, I might not be able to say this evening's Mass.
(Silence ) - What, Father? - I have something important to do.
Not more important than saying Mass, Father? It's just, someone I know is dying.
Oh, dear.
Is it serious? Yes.
In this case, the person dying is quite seriously ill.
It's someone we know very well.
Nuns! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse! Hello Father McGuire.
Father Crilly was just telling us about your friend, dying.
Who was that, Ted? Um Er Old Jim.
Ah, is he dying? Poor old Jim.
He won't like that.
He's terribly down about it.
- Wait a second.
Jim Halpin? - Yes.
I was talking to him earlier and he didn't say a thing.
Well, that's Jim.
Brave is not the word.
He's just outside.
Hold on and I'll get him.
What's he doing outside? He should be in bed.
I met him earlier.
He wanted the lend of some sugar.
Dougal, at a moment like this, this man needs peace.
Don't - Hello, Jim.
- Hello, Father.
Hello, Sisters.
Now Jim, you never told me you were ill.
What? Oh, I had a bit of a cold a few weeks back.
A cold? Ted said you were dying.
Dying? Oh, no.
I don't think so, anyway.
It's just I was talking to Dr Sinnott.
He said He said you might be dying but he wasn't 100% sure himself so don't go off worrying unnecessarily.
- I'd better give him a call.
- I wouldn't go calling him, Jim.
And why not? He He can't use the phone.
He's gone deaf.
Dr Sinnott's gone deaf? That's terrible.
It is.
Oh, wait a second! There he is now.
Dr Sinnott! He heard that all right, Ted.
Doctor, would you have a moment? Wait, I've just remembered.
Ha! Jim is not dying and Dr Sinnott's not gone deaf.
I was thinking of two different people.
So you will be able to say tonight's Mass? Yes! Yes, I will.
Of course.
Thanks to Father Dougal for clearing up that misunderstanding.
Ted.
Ted, you're hurting me.
I have to go straight after this.
- You'll have to look after the nuns.
- Fair enough.
- What'll I do with them? - Whatever you want.
- Try not to kill them.
- No chance of that, Ted.
- Remember Sister Janita? - Oh, yeah.
That was a bit too close for comfort all right.
Just be careful this time.
Oh, God.
Are they all in there? Yeah.
Like peas in a pub, Ted.
Pod.
- Let's go.
See you later.
- Ok.
Good luck, Ted.
(Ted mutters ) (Congregation mutters ) (Exchange becomes faster and faster) Right! Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
- Pl - (Tyres screech) Sorry about that, Father.
Didn't see you.
No problem, Tom.
Could you give me a lift? - Thanks again for the lift, Tom.
- No problem.
I just have to pop into the post office.
- It's - I'll be a second.
I'm meeting someone.
God, that's heavy.
(Tyres screech) Won't be long.
And you, shut up! (Gunshots ) (Alarm ringing) You haven't been up to your old tricks again, Tom? No.
It's my money, I just didn't want to fill out the forms.
(Tyres screech) (Crash) You came! Come in and have a drink, Father Curley.
I think I might have everything you want in here.
(Jolly music) Ted! This is great, isn't it? What are you doing here? - What? Well, we were invited.
- Invited? Same as you.
Can't have a house-warming on your own.
No, I suppose not.
Very short Mass tonight, Father.
We were all a bit disappointed.
Weren't we, Sisters? We might not come back next year.
They say Father Clippit does a good, long Mass.
Three hours on a good night since his stroke.
That's value for money.
- You see - I'm sorry, Father.
I'm in a hurry.
How do you get these open? (Pop ) Bye, Sister.
Bye, Sisters.
Now, Father.
(Mumbles ) Father, before you go, could I have a word? All right.
Dougal, you go on ahead.
- I'll be back in a while.
- Right so.
Would you like me to put something else on? No, what you're wearing is fine.
Would you like another drink, Father Curley? Yes.
It was nice talking to you today.
If you can't talk to a priest, who can you talk to? We're taught how to listen.
Not that we had listening classes.
It's not as if we didn't know how to listen before.
It's just being there and somebody talking to you, which is easy unless you're deaf.
There's not an awful lot of work involved there.
No swotting for those exams with the old listening.
Father, d'you remember me telling you about reaching a crossroads in my life? Yes, I do.
What do you think I should do? I need advice.
You know, Father, that's interesting.
I think one road leads back to where I was, that's a busy road.
It's filled with people and bright lights and traffic.
The other road is a quiet, country road with peace and serenity and fulfilment.
- I see.
- Which one would you choose? Well, it's That's an easy one.
Yes, I suppose it is obvious.
Bright lights, glamour - I was thinking - Cocaine parties, drugs, Las Vegas.
- No.
Father.
Father.
- Sorry.
What I was going to say was, I know I've made the right choice.
I know you havePolly.
I'm with youall the way.
I'm going to become a nun.
Oh, feck! Feckfecking marvellous news.
I was talking to Sister Julia earlier.
You know she's 97 years of age? Did you ever think what it would be like to be a 97-year-old nun, Father? No.
I'll miss Craggy Island.
It's silly, I know.
I've only been here a day.
But I'll always remember you.
In 20 years' time, when I'm looking in my prayer book, I'll probably still be thinking about Father Ted Curley.
Crilly.
What? Father Ted Crilly, nice to meet you.
(Laughter) Oh, no, Dougal.
Not again.
Sorry, Ted.
I was just looking for some change.
Oh, well.
Back to the everyday grind.
(Jack laughs )