Five Bedrooms (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

- [Ainsley] You fall in love,
get married, buy a house.
[crowd cheering]
It's beautiful, but this
story isn't about that.
In a very big, very broad, very married social circle,
five of us shared one
painfully solid bond.
We'd all crash landed on the table behind the speakers,
better known as
the singles table.
- Ben, I seem to
notice that you have
an ice cube in your
mouth at most times.
- I find it's quite refreshing.
You want one?
- Oh no, thank you.
- [Ainsley] Liz and Ben had
absolutely nothing in common,
making them the obvious choice
for the tragically
ill-fated setup.
- So, how did you go
with the gift registry?
- In what sense?
- What'd you get?
- The sheet set.
- I spent less on my first car.
- Update, this is diabolical.
I'm three and half Pinos
in, I may need be help.
Ridiculously hot, but
he lives in a Caravan.
- You're still a glass and
a half away from crisis,
and I am on it.
- What'd he say?
- [Ainsley] Harry was
Liz's best friend,
but his mother suspected
there was more to the story.
- Rishan, table five.
So much younger,
beautiful hair, good hips.
She knows you're a doctor.
You should be speaking to her.
- I will.
- [Ainsley] He wouldn't,
because Harry was gay.
- Rishan's favorite singer,
Shania Twain, just like you.
I'll go talk to the band.
- [Ainsley] He just never
quite found the words
to tell his mom.
- Hey mate, can you check,
my husband's not walking
over here, is he?
- [Ainsley] My landlord slash
self-appointed life coach
Heather, wasn't even single.
- Which one is he?
- Short, tall enough
you'd lose him in a crowd,
shocking here.
Got more hair on his
eyebrows than his head.
He's probably smiling,
wouldn't know why.
- Um.
- As for myself,
the official reason I was single
was that I just hadn't
met the right person.
God, selfish is the last word
I would use to describe you.
- Thank you.
- [Ainsley] The unofficial
reason was I had met him.
I worked with him every day.
- I said, can you
give me an example
of your so-called
selfish behavior?
She said, you go to the
gym two hours every day.
- That's just healthy.
And he was married, technically.
- I'm not.
[sitar music]
- They look so
happy, don't they?
- Ainsley, that's not happiness.
That's terror dressed
up in optimism.
- Heather!
- Do you know how much
control issues she's got?
She can hardly breathe,
and check out his eye line.
Straight to that
bridesmaid's ass,
probably shagged already.
- Harry is the bride's cousin.
- Oh shit, sorry Harry.
Probably hasn't
shagged the bridesmaid.
- No, I think he has.
- There you go.
If anyone on this
table can identify
one genuinely happy couple
here, next round's on me.
- The drinks are free.
- One couple, just one couple.
- Okay, 10 o'clock,
the older couple
with the matching haircuts.
- No, you see, I
know that Denise
has been sleeping
with her orthodontist
for the past four years.
- Okay, 12 o'clock,
the balding guy.
I mean, look at the way
he's looking at that blonde.
That is love.
- That's my husband.
Hasn't looked that
awake since 1993.
- I was the one who
finally, fatefully,
turned to the topic
of real estate.
I put it to you that
every couple in this room
is happy on some level
because they own houses.
- See, that is happiness.
- Case closed.
- You don't know
they own houses.
- Oh yeah, these
people are homeowners.
I mean, look at the
way they're dancing.
- You're confusing
happiness with real estate.
- With all due
respect to Heather,
you bought your
house in the 90s,
so you wouldn't.
- Exactly, and look at me.
Morbidly depressed.
- Morbidly depressed
in the privacy and the
comfort of your own home.
I've been in your granny
flat for eight years.
- I still live with my mother.
- For me, it's the
exhaustion of the hunt.
It's like having
another full-time job.
- It kills people.
I mean, it hasn't been
formally linked with cancer,
but you know, it's
only a matter of time.
- Well I'd go on then.
If the alternative is
getting cancer, then do it.
See how you go.
- We can't, that's the point.
- Look, I'm sorry,
but I call bullshit.
The five of you could chip
in, buy a house together,
and you'd have more buying power
than a married couple times two.
Go on, knock yourselves out.
Get back to me when
you've dropped your souls
in the middle of the
greatest financial trauma
you will ever face.
- [Ainsley] At the time,
it was just a joke.
[group chuckling]
- It's actually not as
stupid as it sounds.
[Harry laughing]
- [Ainsley] But a
joke plus five wines
became an internet search.
Greggo, Greggo, Greggo
Where'd you go,
where'd you go ♪
Point Danger,
Lamington Plateau ♪
What a tit for tat
- That one, can you
send me that one please?
- Harry.
- Wow.
- [Ainsley] The internet
search became a group email.
[crowd cheering]
And although we didn't
know it at the time,
on that night, on
that singles table,
our lives had changed.
Greggo where'd you go
man, where'd you go ♪
[soft music]
[elevator dinging]
- With a bit of a push,
I think he'll agree
to subdivide the
Kinneson property,
but he won't budge
on the catamaran.
- Well, if they push back
then we'll just call on
the daughter to testify.
- Here, here.
Now what time's the
lunch reservation?
Have I got time to send
a couple of emails?
- Actually, I think I
might have to skip lunch.
- But Edwina is
back from Patagonia.
She'll have treats.
- I wish I could.
It's just an auction, a little
place I've had my eye on.
- You're not giving up the
East Melbourne townhouse?
- Oh no, no, just a
little bit of regrouping,
consolidation, optimizing.
- You must have stirred up most
of half of Melbourne by now.
- [laughing] Give
my love to Edwina.
- Hey Ben, are you coming back?
- Yeah, probably.
- Getting some sneakers?
- Maybe buying a house, so I don't know how long I'll be.
- [Man] What?
- Yeah, I'll get you sneakers.
- It's a very sound
financial investment.
Liz is involved.
- You're buying a house with three strangers and a cougar?
- Firstly, Liz is not a cougar.
Secondly, they're not strangers.
Ainsley and Lachlan are
both real estate agents.
They know what they're doing.
- You can stay here,
save your money
and buy a house for yourself
and your wife when
the time comes.
- Mom, I'm 30 years
old, the time has come.
- Mom, you're
blocking the screen.
- Yeah, I'm just trying
to get a good angle.
When I get home and
Bruce isn't walked,
the dishwasher unpacked
and your sheets washed,
all this is going on eBay.
- [Son] Mom, we
just bought the PS4.
- [Heather] Well I
don't care, do I?
- Heath, I'm heading
off, you still coming?
- What's that you're wearing?
- What, what's wrong with it?
- You gonna bid on
the house or date it?
- I'm just trying to put
my best foot forward.
- Ainsley's about
to buy the commune.
Colin, do you want to watch?
- [Ainsley] It's not a commune.
- Sorry, cult.
- It's not a cult.
It's a very sound
investment opportunity,
and it was your idea, Heather, you suggested it.
- I suggested a lot
of things that night.
I suggested we all get dolphin
tattoos, did you do that?
No.
Colin.
- Give me five minutes.
I'm bidding on a
Katmandu sleeping bag,
never used, still in the packet.
- Maybe I'll see you there.
I wholeheartedly
meant what I said.
This was a brilliant
opportunity,
but there was one
other factor at play.
- Here she is.
Did you get any sleep?
- Barely.
- Where are the others?
- They're on their way.
- Let's do this.
- [Ainsley] Right
from the beginning,
he called me his work wife.
- Ains, you wouldn't read about
it, but she's immune to me.
- Impossible.
- I think you'd
better go and woo her
with some of your country charm.
- I'm from Newcastle.
- Don't ruin the magic for me.
- But then I met
his actual wife.
Lachlan tells me
you do decoupage.
- I work with clay.
- [Ainsley] It was pretty
obvious there were issues.
- Hey ladies, sorry they didn't
have any pineapple midoris,
so I got you a vodka cider.
- Jesus.
- [Ainsley] I
didn't say anything,
until she kicked him
out the first time.
[breathing heavily]
[Lachlan sobbing]
- I just hope this doesn't
complicate anything
with our friendship.
- Hey, no, of course not.
- I'm sorry, don't look at me.
- [Ainsley] Half a decade later,
I'd somehow convinced myself
that maybe if we were
living under the same roof
he might finally see me.
- There they are.
- [Ainsley] And we
could be a real couple.
- How are you guys
feeling, excited?
- Mostly.
Liz is struggling a bit.
- No, no, please
don't take offense.
Just in the unlikely event
that we actually
get the house today,
I just wanted to be
absolutely upfront
that this is a
financial thing for me.
I have absolute respect and
admiration for all of you,
but I'm just extremely
unlikely to participate
in any of the social
dimensions of the house.
- It's totally fine with me.
Just one second.
- Does breakfast count
as a social dimension?
- [laughing] Hello.
If it involves more
than one person, yes.
- So you won't be
eating breakfast, then?
- No.
- Okay, have we all
got our bank checks?
And Liz, you've
triple-checked the contract?
- I have.
- Let's get registered.
- As they say, wedding buddies
and now become investors.
- Fingers crossed.
- Ben, Ben, look, just
about our situation
after the wedding.
I hate to bring it up again.
- It's fine.
- I just want to
be absolutely clear
that from this point onwards
you and I are co-investors,
so strictly platonic.
- Yeah, that's fair enough,
but if for argument's sake
we don't get the house?
- Still absolutely nothing.
- At $2,390,000 I have now,
can I say $2.4 million?
At $2.4 million, this is
bargain basement buying.
I might start bidding myself.
It does not get any
better than this.
This is the great
Australian dream.
Rit large, thank you to
the gentleman on my left.
- You in?
- Can I say 2.45?
This is a fine property,
ladies and gentlemen.
This young couple here
are about to make a
steal at this price.
Looking for $2.45 million.
Thank you madam,
at $2.45 million.
- Look like it's
us and Power Nan.
I think we got this.
- I wouldn't
underestimate Power Nan.
She's got a bit of a
mafia vibe about her.
- Look at those shoes,
those shoes don't say money.
- Nothing about her says money,
but that in itself
screams money.
- [Auctioneer] Make no mistake,
we are here to sell today.
- It's a permit zone.
- Get around the block.
- [Auctioneer] Don't
let it slip away now.
Sir, can I say $2.46 million?
- There's Heather.
- [Auctioneer] We're at the
business end of proceedings now,
ladies and gentlemen.
Who is gonna make this charming
five bedroom their home?
- You never told me
Lachlan was in on this.
- Yeah, I said the group
from the singles table.
- He's about as single as I am.
- He's separated now,
Melanie kicked him out.
- Oh, his wife
kicked him out again?
- Heather, I'm so
touched that you came,
but I can't talk right now.
- Well, tying
yourself to that man
after the way he's
treated you is insanity.
- I know we've got
a complicated past.
I'm not denying that, but
I've put that behind me now.
- How is investing half a
million dollars with a man
putting it behind you?
Go around again.
- [Auctioneer] $2.49 million.
- $2.5.
- That's it, that's our limit.
- Don't say that.
- I'm saying it.
- $2,501,000.
- She's done this before,
look at that game face.
- [Auctioneer]
$2.501, we're at now.
- Just one more thousand.
That's only like 200
bucks each, right?
- No.
- $2,502,000.
- You're making the biggest
mistake of your life.
- I don't think I am.
Heather, I know you're
gonna miss me, okay?
But this is getting
really inappropriate.
- Inappropriate
is you paying off
his credit card debt both times.
- He paid that back.
- Look, just think
about what you're doing.
- Full silence.
At $2,502,000, going once,
going twice,
going three times.
- This is it.
- [Auctioneer] And sold to
the gentleman on the left.
[group cheering]
- [Ben] We got it, we got it!
- Got a park.
- Get back in the car.
- [Ainsley] People say that
moving can be traumatic
and emotionally exhausting.
Those people haven't factored in
a bizarrely aggressive landlord.
- Keep it.
You'll probably need the refuge
when it all goes pear-shaped.
Boys, Colin, get off the couch.
Ainsley's leaving for now.
- See ya.
- Thank you all for
the past eight years,
all the meals, special
recipe cocktails,
and the council.
- You are so welcome, Ains.
- None of that was you, Col.
- I reckon you should
come see the place, Heath.
I reckon if you see it and
if you met Lachlan again
with a really open
mind, you'll see.
[soft music]
- She was always gonna
go eventually, love.
We can get another tenant
or go down the Airbnb route
and hike the price up.
He can't be too bad, love,
this fellow, whoever he is.
- You've met him,
Colin, several times.
He's the one who stays over
whenever his
marriage falls apart.
King Dipshit.
- What did I think of him?
- [Ainsley] Everything
was moving so quickly.
I wanted to capture
every single second.
- Hello and congratulations.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Can I get a photo of you
dropping the keys in his hand?
- Ains, you should be in this.
- It looks good just you.
And drop.
[group cheering]
- Hey, guys.
- Would you mind just
getting a photo of all of us
standing in a line?
- I'm happy to stand out.
- Liz, you are a part of
this moment, deal with it.
- Okay.
- Three, two, one.
- Oh, what if we do one where
we all jump at the same time?
- Yes.
- Do I have to be part
of this moment, too?
- Yes.
- [Realtor] Three, two, one.
- I'm in an open-toed shoe.
- Who'd like to do
the honors, Ben?
- I'm okay with the
swerve, that's all right.
- Harry?
- It's gotta be you, Ains.
- Everyone sure?
- Yeah, just open the door.
- Oh, no.
[group laughing]
- And now I'm stepping
over the threshold.
We could carry each other.
- We're not married though,
isn't that half the point?
- I'm open to other
configurations.
- Backwards?
Or without a chief?
- It's a different
point of view.
- I'm going in.
- Okay, just one more
of the five of us
walking into the
main living area.
- Ainsley, you've already
captured us holding the keys,
entering the front door
and jumping in unison.
I think the experience
is well documented.
- It's nice, spacious.
- It always looks different
without furnishings.
- Did it smell like this before?
- Just needs a bit of air
through it, I don't know.
- Have we got running water?
- [Ben] It's brown.
- What happened to the pool?
- Pretty standard
to take the decking.
I've done it myself.
- I don't think it was an
unreasonable expectation
that the pool decking
came with the pool.
- She'll be all right
once the furniture's in.
- Yeah, classic buyer's remorse.
- Is it the state of the house
or one particular person?
- Remind me why we're
doing this again?
- Because we couldn't
afford anything we liked
and we wanted a pool.
- And why didn't we get a
place, just the two of us?
- Because we couldn't
afford anything we liked
and we wanted a pool.
Breathe with me.
- This wasn't in any
of the plans, Harry,
not plan A, B, C,
nowhere in the alphabet.
- And out. [exhaling]
- Why are you so calm?
- This is just doctor face.
I'm completely shitting myself.
- What do we even know
about these people?
- You already learned a
thing or two about Ben.
- The only thing
I've learned from Ben
is that the hot tradie
sexual fantasy, myth,
or if not a myth, then not
in any way based on him.
- A hot tradie sexual fantasy?
I thought it was
more cops or fireies.
- Careful, you got it?
- Yeah.
- Ains, this room is like,
if you were a room,
this would be it.
- I was thinking if you
help me set up my room,
I'll help you set up yours.
- Already happening.
Where are you putting that?
- I think in the corner.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Let's see, there, good.
It's perfect.
It's so heavy.
There's weights in this bed.
Okay.
[sighing] It usually
takes a good week
to settle into a house,
but is it just me,
or does this already
feel like home?
- It's not just you.
- Timber.
[soft music]
- And through here, the
kitchen slash dining
slash lounge area.
- Beautiful sense of
light, don't you think?
- What's that, is that
a garbage muncher?
Thought they banned those.
One of you will
probably lose a digit.
My money's on,
- Heather.
Sorry.
- Oh no, she's right, and it's
good to have a critical eye.
- Oh, you've got it, Shady,
two very critical eyes on
you all day, every day.
- Did you just call me Shady?
- Yep.
- I like that, Shady.
- Let's see the loft.
- Ahh.
- We'll rotate the
rooms at some point,
but for the moment, this is,
- My room.
- That's a nice view, isn't it?
And your room with an en suite.
- It's perfect.
- Actually, Lachlan suggested
that I take this room,
but I didn't want it on
account of the ceilings.
So you misread that, and
quite a few other things, too.
- Ains, we'll put this up here.
I just wanted to say thank you.
If you think about it, all
this happened because of you.
- A lot of things
happen because of me,
most of them deeply unfortunate.
- Oh, well you'll always be
a guest of honor in our home.
- Would we call it an honor?
- [laughing] She's a classic.
I'm gonna go and do another
load before it gets dark.
- Yeah, go.
- Shades.
Ciao.
- What?
- I'm touched
you're so concerned.
Look at him.
He's being thoroughly lovely.
- Is he?
- Yes.
And this social experiment,
- Commune.
- Whatever, it's
working and I'm happy.
And I'm coming around on Friday
and I'm bringing margaritas,
whether you like it or not.
- Ben, I'd just like
to sincerely apologize
for the hot tradie thing
that you heard earlier.
- Look, I'm sorry,
'cause I Googled it,
and you're right.
A hot tradie is totally a thing.
I just can't believe I
let you down like that.
The tool belt was
sitting right there, too.
- Ben, I'm not actually
into anything like that.
It was just a stupid comment.
- Just for the record, I
haven't had a lot of experience
with role playing and stuff,
but I did love drama
in high school.
- No Ben, that really
wasn't the issue.
- So there's something else.
Was it the Caravan?
- Well, I wouldn't
exactly put the Caravan
in the asset column.
But no, no, I just think
it's a terrible idea
to get involved romantically
with a co-investor.
- That's not a rule, is it?
- Well, it's more of a
guideline or a parameter
as we go forward.
- So no sex whatsoever?
- No.
I mean, you can have sex by
all means, with outside people.
God, go for your life.
I just think between housemates
it's important to keep it
free of complication and all.
- For sure.
Just so I'm 100% clear.
- We might just, should
we leave it there?
We might not chat for a minute.
- All right.
- That's the lounge
room, I think.
- Oh, that's one
of mine, actually.
- Maybe just put that outside.
- Oh, you're shitting me.
- Melanie.
- This is better than my place.
- Ainsley.
- Where is my husband?
- I mean, it's plugged in.
It's connected,
but just nothing.
- Honeys, I'm home.
What?
- Well first, the oven appears
to be a lemon, and second,
- Your wife's upstairs.
- How did she know?
- Maybe because you
tagged your location
on Instagram eight times.
I can't believe you did it.
- You told me to leave.
- So you take my advice for
the first time in your life
and you do this?
- [Ben] I'm sure I'll grab some
frozen peas if you want 'em.
- That's not quite what I had
in mind when I said greens.
Ben's kindly picked us
up some dinner materials.
I've got microwave rice and
tacos, not a natural marriage.
Hello.
- This is my wife, Mel.
Mel, this is Ben and Liz.
- Hey.
- I think we might go upstairs.
- Were we expecting
the wife to pop in?
- We were not.
[door knocking]
Ains, do you know what
happened to my bedroom boxes?
Mel's convinced that I
packed her Shake Weights.
- Are they in the garage?
- I really am sorry about Mel.
I honestly didn't know
that I was tagging myself.
I think it must have been an
automatic setting or something.
- She's still here?
- I'm actually really
worried about her.
I don't think she can drive.
She's saying that
she still loves me,
but I just don't
know what to think.
- I don't know, either.
- What do you think I should do?
- Trust your heart.
[soft music]
For everyone else on Earth,
it's a simple equation.
You like someone, you tell them,
and either it works out,
or it doesn't.
- Mel, I already
said I'm so sorry.
I was just, I was
angry about your text
and I was just firing back.
If you lie to someone, what
are they supposed to think,
that you're just
not gonna be there?
[loud moaning]
- Interesting
couple, aren't they?
Oh my God.
- Liz, the table, quick.
- Turn off the shower!
Lachlan, stop the shower.
- The mains, I'll hit the mains.
Lachlan, we've got a leak.
Turn off the shower.
- There's water
coming into my room!
- We've got a leak.
Turn off the shower.
- [Lachlan] One minute.
[Liz screaming]
- [Ben] Liz, are you okay?
- Oh, God.
- [Harry] Lachlan, it's
leaking all over everything
in the living room.
It's gonna be damaging the roof.
- [Ben] It's locked.
- What do you mean, it's locked?
- I'm coming in.
Turn off the shower.
Holy shit, I'm sorry
it's as weird as this.
- What the hell is going on?
- A leak problem, mate,
we got a leak problem.
I'm sorry for the disturbance.
I didn't see a thing.
- [Lachlan] What leak?
- [Ben] Shit, sorry.
- The water was draining fine.
- You didn't hear the chorus
of blood-curdling screams?
- I might head off.
- I should probably stick
around here for a bit.
- Oh, you think?
- I love you, bye.
- Yeah, so I reckon the
problem's the piping.
- The piping in what sense?
- There's none.
That drain goes straight
into the roof, Kevin,
he's not even a proper renter.
That's putting a shower
without connecting it up.
- So we bought a
$2.5 million house
with no functional plumbing?
- Upstairs yeah, but
downstairs is all right,
except the wiring's being dodgy.
- What was the
building report for?
- I did, we chose
a visual report.
I sent through the options.
We all agreed a visual
was the cheapest.
- You are both professional
real estate agents.
- Okay, what I think
we need right now
is a moment of gratitude.
I'll start.
I'm grateful that
we have at least
partially functioning
plumbing downstairs.
- And you know, moving
is very stressful,
but we should all remember
that it's always darkest
before the night.
- Dawn, before the dawn.
- Dawn.
- I'll have a go.
I am grateful that
George Foreman
didn't get hurt in the flood.
- I wish I had never been born.
- [Harry] Come on,
that's not helpful.
- Sorry, it's been
a really rough year.
- Ains?
- Actually, I'll go
one more, if I may.
I'm grateful to you,
Ains, just for being you
and bringing us all together,
'cause I tell you what.
If this is ground zero, I
can't wait for the rebuild.
- Thanks, Ben.
[soft music]
- Liz, Liz.
Hey, your room looks
like a flood zone,
and mine is dry as a bone,
so if you wanted to come in.
- Oh.
- No, no,
look, it might not look like it,
but I'm actually a massive
fan of the outdoors,
so if you wanted my
room without me in it,
you're welcome to it.
- Oh Ben, that is so lovely.
I couldn't, but thank you
for being so gracious.
- That's all right.
- I realize I haven't
been my best self,
and it has nothing
to do with you.
I've just had a bit of
a tough time lately.
- Well listen, tough times
don't last, tough people do.
- When the going gets
tough, the tough get going.
Billy Ocean, 1986.
[cell phone ringing]
- Mom.
- [Manju] How's your new home?
- Oh, it's great.
It's very busy and atmospheric.
- How's Elizabeth?
She must be happy.
Her plan has finally
come to fruition.
- She's good mom,
everyone's just settling in.
How's your night been?
- I tried to watch a movie,
but it was too violent.
I had to turn it off.
It was too frightening, being
here in this big house alone.
- The house is not big, mom.
- It is, it is for
just one person.
Your father bought it thinking
it would be filled
with grandchildren.
- I'm sorry, mom.
I miss you.
- I just heard a strange sound.
I must go.
[Harry sighing]
[soft music]
- Here's some more candles.
- Oh thanks, I think
I'll just go to a hotel.
- We both know
you're really angling
for an invitation
to sleep with me,
and you've done it,
mission accomplished.
- That's not my mission.
- You, me, wine,
home reno shows.
That's always your mission.
- A little bit.
- I wouldn't even offer if I
didn't have the good sheets on.
- Everybody knows that.
No one meant to snap at you.
It was a tense situation.
I'm just about to leave,
so can we talk about this?
Looks like I'm in the
doghouse again, record time.
Ains, is this insane?
Me trying to make
it work with Mel?
What do you reckon?
- I can't say.
- Oh, come on.
You know our relationship
better than anyone.
- No, I don't know.
- Come on, Ains.
I honestly think that we
would have broken up years ago
if it hadn't been for you.
- What?
- Well, it's just that
you give the best advice.
- Is that how you see
me, as your advisor?
- No, well I mean,
partially, yes.
But you're also my work
wife and my best friend.
You're like a sister to me.
- I've been in love with
you the entire time.
- What?
But you never said anything.
- I think it was pretty clear.
- There's been a couple
of drunken nights, yeah.
- Four, there were
four drunken nights,
and I was sober every time.
And then there were the two
surprise birthday parties
and the cheer up
Lachlan laser tag,
and the time you
dislocated your shoulder
and I did a therapeutic
massage night court,
so if there was ever a
way to get close to you,
I took it, even if
it was ridiculous.
Even if it was buying
a five bedroom house.
- Oh, God.
I'm sorry, I think I've
just had my mind caught up
in the whole Melanie
situation or something.
I'm sorry.
I'm awful, aren't I?
Sorry.
[Lachlin sobbing]
- Yep, I'm finished here,
with this.
- What?
Ains?
- I cannot stay in
this house with you.
[soft music]
- Mom, Ainsley's back.
She's crying.
- What happened?
- You were right.
- Boys, out, now.
- [Son] What?
- Look, I know it hurts
right now, but Ains,
it's good this happened early.
It was always gonna
be a car crash.
I mean, you managed to
get out before impact.
- I'm still in the car, Heather.
- No, you're not.
You took a hit, but you got out.
You did this to move
forward with your life.
- I am literally in
the exact same place.
- That's bullshit.
You know, physically, obviously,
but in every other sense
you have moved forward.
This could have gone on
for years, decades even.
- What about the
three other people
who have invested their
life savings in this?
- That's on them.
- I convinced them to do it.
- Well, they should
have known better.
Liz is a lawyer,
for Christ's sake.
What was she thinking?
And Harry, he's a bloody doctor.
Not operating on
me anytime soon.
If they couldn't see
how disastrous this was,
- It wasn't disastrous.
I know you can't see
that, but it wasn't.
At least it didn't have
to be until I ruined it.
- You didn't ruin anything.
You saved yourself.
- I really hope you
don't get like this
with the next tenant, love.
- It's not voluntary, Col.
- Look, I know you don't
like self-criticism.
- It's not self-criticism
if it's coming from you.
- I think you've gotten a bit
over involved with Ainsley.
It's like you're trying
to live her life for her.
- Ainsley's more than a tenant.
She's the one person here
who really speaks to me
and listens and cares.
You stopped trying, Col.
Are you on eBay?
- I'm three minutes away
from a French crock pot.
Recommended retail 295.
I'm about to snap it up
for 61 bucks plus postage.
[birds chirping]
- Oh, Manju.
Good morning.
It's lovely to see you.
- Elizabeth.
- Mom.
- I won't pretend you
were my first choice.
- Oh my God, this is
not what it looks like.
It was an unexpected,
- Many members of our
family are very traditional.
- No mom, it's really,
- Deep, deep down, I'm
a very modern woman.
Very, very modern.
Obviously I'd prefer a
much younger Indian girl,
but let us put all of
our quarrels behind us.
- Quarrels?
- If you love my boy, I'll
find a way to love you.
- Thank you?
- Wait, where are you going?
- I thought I was
ready, I'm not.
- Wait, was that food for me?
- Yes.
- [Ainsley] In the light of day,
it was hard to tell
what hurt more,
the fact that I was
back in the granny flat,
the fact that I'd racked up
a half million dollar debt
on a lemon of a house,
or that I'd taken so
many people down with me.
- You've got some balls,
I'll give you that.
- I'm just here to see Ains.
- [Heather] You're not
seeing her, turn around.
- It really doesn't have
anything to do with you.
- Yes, it does.
You're on my
property, turn around.
- Heather, I'm not sure what
Ainsley might have said.
- Ainsley hasn't said a word.
I see you slinking up
and down my driveway
every time your
wife's had a guff.
- Heather, I'm sorry, but I
now co-own a house with Ainsley
and we've got a lot to sort out.
- You're getting
out of that place.
- Sorry?
- You heard me.
- This has got nothing
to do with you.
It's between me and Ainsley.
- There is no you and Ainsley,
and you've known that a hell
of a lot longer than she has.
Show's over, mate.
For once in your life,
you're gonna do something
vaguely honorable.
You're gonna get
out of her life,
you're gonna go back to
your bullshit marriage
and you're gonna wait
for further instructions.
And don't you dare cry.
- Heath, what are you doing?
You can't make him move out.
- It's all right, I've
already got a replacement.
- Who?
- Me.
- Yeah, no I've sent
it to Andrew as well.
- This is nothing.
Well, you wanted a
queen size mattress,
totally submerged for
a good 20, 25 minutes.
Two days in the
sun, good as gold.
- Sorry, why did you
submerge a mattress?
- She's pretty attached
to that phone, isn't she?
- Yeah, she's calling lawyers.
- I thought she was lawyers.
- Property lawyers.
She's trying to find some
sort of an out clause,
give us a chance
to wind this back.
- You think she's
having any luck?
- No.
- Does Colin know about this?
- Not exactly, no.
- Hang on, maybe
I should go alone.
The others might not
be okay with this,
and it'll be easier for them
to say no if you're not there.
- That's exactly why I'm coming.
Hang on.
Force along, let's go.
- Okay, I have spoken to
three property lawyers,
and they all agree.
There is no winding it back.
- Right now, the glass
is very much half empty.
- It's completely empty, Harry.
There's no glass.
- Jesus, what's that smell?
- Where did you go last night?
You just disappeared.
- Sorry, I had to leave.
- Where's Lachlan?
- Lachlan probably
won't be joining us.
We have something to
propose, or to discuss.
A shakeup.
How would you feel, honestly,
if Lachlan were out
and Heather were in?
- I don't mean to be rude,
but would your husband and
boys be in your room with you?
- No, not exactly,
we'll go into that.
This whole idea,
getting this place,
it was because I needed
somewhere to live.
- Well, not so much needed.
- No, I wanted my own place.
And also I was hopelessly
in love with Lachlan.
- We were across that.
- Really?
I thought that I
kept it pretty well.
- Not even slightly.
- I'm sorry if you want to
throw it all in, I get it.
I'm sorry.
- We can't throw it in,
at least not without
losing a ton of money.
- Sorry, that's not right.
- What if we gave it a year,
and if it remains a disaster
this time next year, we sell?
It couldn't be any worse
than living with my mother.
- Well mate, even with
the Dodge warriors,
it's a big step up
from the Caravan.
- I'm not gonna trust myself
with any decisions for a while,
but if it's what
the group wants.
- Six months, on two conditions.
No more surprises, and no sex.
- At all?
- Not between housemates.
- Agreed.
Our lives covered in smoke
- Six months.
- Why is he holding up his fist?
- Six months.
- Do the fist thing, Heather.
- Is this like a sexual thing?
- Just do it.
You were a landslide
covered in dirt ♪
- Six months.
- And for what it's worth, Ains,
from my perspective, Lachlan's
got some real problems,
not seeing you for the
ripper package that you are.
- Ben, I repeat, no
sex between housemates.
You were a harsh
cry, hard to be heard ♪
- It's just some
drinks and nibbles.
- Five singles ready to mingle.
- He thinks he's just been
invited to a sex party.
- Enjoy the housewarming.
- Sorry, housewarming?
- Have to put an
appearance, God help me.
- I have yet to communicate
that I am living in this house.
- In terms of my love life,
let me handle it myself.
- That's what I've been doing.
Where is the woman?
- I'm leaving.
- This is about the snoring.
- Oh, shit.
- Is this what's
really happening?
Are you leaving
me for that bloke?
- You're an idiot.
[soft music]