Flack (2019) s01e05 Episode Script


1 (DINGS) PILOT: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard this flight 1506 from London, Heathrow, to JFK, New York.
Currently third in line for takeoff, we're expected to be in the air in approximately ten minutes.
Excuse me, do you mind Please turn off all personal electronic devices, including laptops and mobile phones.
Smoking is prohibited.
WOMAN 1: It is It definitely is.
WOMAN 2: So, what were you supposed to do? The poor man paid for business class so he didn't have to have dickheads like us coming up to him and ruining his journey.
Oh, he won't mind.
Surely, it's nice when people come up to you and say nice things.
It's annoying.
Why is it annoying? I wouldn't find it annoying.
Who's going to come up to you and say nice things? I don't know, but if they did, I wouldn't find it annoying.
- It's probably not even him.
- It's definitely him.
You can't say for definite.
It's probably just someone who looks like him.
Look, his nose is different.
It's bigger.
Your nose gets bigger when you get older.
Everyone knows that.
(SIGHS) It's definitely him.
What are you doing? I'm gonna go and say hello.
- No, don't.
- Why? Don't! Arabella! Hi! Hi, um, I'm really sorry to bother you.
I know this is really sad.
And Are you Calvin Cooper? I might be.
I'm gonna sound like such an idiot.
But my mum is a huge fan of yours! She has all your films at home.
Your mom? God, this is weird.
I don't normally do things like this, and now I'm here, I don't actually know what to say.
God, I sound like such a weirdo.
I'm sorry, it's just Maybe you could sign something.
What would you like me to sign? I don't know, I don't even have a pen.
Um, I haven't really thought this through.
Tell you what? Maybe once we get up in the air, I'll let you suck me off in the bathroom, how's that sound? Seatbelt sign's on.
Probably best get back to your seat.
I'll get you a photo.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Really? Did you see the look on her face? Jesus, Calvin.
Haven't you picked up a newspaper in the past couple of years? How many times do we need to go through this? You can't say that shit.
You know, the amazing thing is, three times out of ten, it actually works.
Used to be eight out of ten.
I don't know if that's about me or society.
The march of progress.
Come on, lighten up.
She deserves it after pulling that crap about her mom.
Cheeky little bitch.
- You should get some rest.
- Okay, Grandma.
I should get a proper drink.
That's what I should get.
(CALL BELL RINGING) Ruth please just let me know where you're at.
Thinking of you.
Rx Are you awake? Just getting on a flight to NYC, back in a few days, maybe we can get a coffee.
Love you Rx.
Please call me back babe, I just want to talk to you.
Rx (GROANS) Hi, can I have a drink, please? Refreshments will be available after takeoff.
We're in business class.
I'm sorry, as soon as we're in the air Do you recognize me? Excuse me? I'm sorry, I don't wanna I don't wanna make a scene, but I fly a lot on your airline.
And I drop 2.
5k to travel business class on this flight which I am taking to collect a humanitarian award for all the charity work that I do.
I don't want to toot my own horn, but I'm an important person and I know a lot of other important people.
So, uh, Janet, if you could find it in your heart to hook me up, I am a nervous flier, and I would just like a small drink to settle me down.
I don't need a glass.
Just slip me a couple of miniature JDs, we'll be golden.
Fucking trolley dollies.
(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, did you want one? No, I'm good.
(GROANS) Just cheap bastards, aren't they? Couldn't pony up for first class, I mean, look at this.
It's not the way it used to be.
The way they squeeze you in.
Any prick in a suit flies business.
It's not like the old days, you had to be someone.
(PHONE CHIMES) Sam: Safe flight, text me when you land x Is that your man? Yup.
- You married? - No.
- Kids? - Not yet.
Still have time for me then, huh? Wow.
(LAUGHS) You don't like me, do you? - What do you mean? - Oh, come on.
I've had warmer conversations with my ex-wife, she's been dead for 11 years.
You just have to know how to handle me, that's all.
Now what do you do? Do you draw straws? - Excuse me? - To see who gets stuck with old Cal? Calvin, working with you is always a pleasure.
Oh! (CHUCKLES) You should work in PR.
You know, I'm not that bad.
I mean, I've been with Caroline almost 20 years.
I like to, you know, push a button or two and she sends me these ditzy little posh girls who nod at me like Indian carpet salesmen and have teeth like refrigerator doors, but they've had their whole lifetime you know, having it easy.
They deserve a tough time.
Once in a while, don't they? I mean, if someone's gonna let you push your luck, you push your luck, you know what I mean? Yeah.
I do.
I mean, someone has to lie down in order for you to walk all over 'em.
Don't worry, Calvin.
I won't be lying down.
Well, that's a shame.
So what's your story? Yeah, you didn't ride in from Knightsbridge on your pony? No, I did not.
Um South African mom, American dad, grew up in Philadelphia.
I had an aunt from Philadelphia.
Tough broad.
The kind of woman you'd send in to break up a prison riot.
Sounds like my kinda lady.
You're a peach.
Never let it be said that being an asshole doesn't get you what you want.
No thanks.
Oh, come on.
Don't abstain on my account.
If I had to sit next to me for an entire flight, I would take what I could get.
Do it.
Oh, God.
What the hell, I hate I hate blocked numbers.
They make me paranoid.
I'm really sorry, sir, you're gonna have to turn off the phone.
It'll just be two seconds.
I'm afraid we're about to take off.
Like I said, two seconds.
Excuse me, sir, is there a problem? Not that I'm aware of.
I'd just like to answer my phone, if that's all right with you.
All mobile devices must be switched to airplane mode for the duration.
What's gonna happen? We're sitting on the fucking tarmac.
We can't exactly fall out of the sky.
They'll leave a message.
I'm sorry about that.
(DINGS) PILOT: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain.
There's a bit of congestion in front of us, but we hope to be on our way.
So how did a Philadelphia girl end up in this game? I enjoy it.
It makes the most of my natural talents.
Which are? Lying and drinking.
(CHUCKLES) Ran away to the big city, seeking fortune and glory.
Something like that.
Why? - Why what? - Why'd you run away? Do you care? Do I have to? Look, we're stuck together for the next seven hours.
We might as well get to know each other.
I'll go first.
I was born in butthole nowhere (CHUCKLES) to a half-Irish dad who sold cutlery and hated his life.
Mom bagged groceries, and just stayed out of his way.
I was always the Smartass little punk.
Just How I ended up doing this.
I started off in the theater in New York.
I loved it.
The smell of it, women.
Mmm Makeup.
Sweat, cigarettes.
(BOTH LAUGH) I mean, I had no idea what I was doing.
But it didn't matter.
I I grew a beard, I started chain-smoking pot, and I just growled my way through it.
I mean, no craft in sight.
And all the theater snobs were up in arms but everybody else, they just went crazy for it.
'Cause they were looking for something real.
You know? That That was the thing in those days.
You had to be authentic.
And these days, character actors.
What, he's like Just the fat friend you know, and wants to have sex with.
But back then, front and center.
And the bigger asshole you were, the more authentic it was.
And if there is anything that I do well, it's Be an asshole.
I mean, screw vocal warm-ups.
You wanna be taken seriously? Spend your morning dropping acid and banging hookers.
I mean, can you imagine that these days, with these pretty little pricks, with their their arms, and their Their tights.
They're not allowed to eat any carbs, and are always terrified they're gonna get in trouble.
With people like me? You're the ones who get us out of trouble, aren't you? (CHUCKLES) Go ahead.
What? That wasn't free.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Um My mom never worked.
She was one of those women that just got men to do things for her, if you know what I mean.
I know exactly what you mean.
So after her and my dad got married, she never had a job.
I mean, she tried a couple of times, never lasted.
So my dad had to work his ass off to keep us going whilst she did her thing, and everybody loved her.
Except the people who love her.
- You still with me? - You kidding me? It's gonna be on my tombstone.
So, as soon as I could, I got myself this job at a deli counter, a few blocks up from our house.
And I'm working with this older woman one day, and I have a flashback.
And suddenly, I'm, like, five years old and I'm watching my mom buy pickles off the same woman.
And I knew it was her, 'cause she had this weird growth on her eyelid, that looked like a Rice Krispy, and my sister was scared of her 'cause she thought she was a witch And it just suddenly hit me that this woman had spent my entire life selling pickles.
I'd gone through puberty, lost my virginity, learnt to drive.
I got kicked out of high school.
And during this entire time, she'd just been there selling pickles.
I mean, fuck me.
So I got on a bus.
Good for you.
I met Caroline when I was waitressing at a function.
She was running the New York office.
She was looking after a client, he got a bit greedy with the champagne and decided to go for a swim in the chocolate fountain.
I helped sneak him out of the service entrance.
A week later, I showed up at her office, and asked for a job.
She let me make coffee for a month.
For free.
I admire that.
That's That's The little hustle.
It's a dying art these days.
Caroline moved back to the London office, and asked if I wanted to come.
My sister was already there, so Nothing to keep you in New York? Nothing.
(PHONE CHIMES) See, told you they'd leave a message.
(DINGS) PILOT: Ladies and gentlemen, we do apologize for the delay.
There's just been a bit of congestion on the runway, but we'll be in the air very shortly.
- Two seconds.
- Oh! Jesus! Two seconds.
Kidding me? MAN OVER PA: Ladies and gentlemen, we are currently next in line for takeoff, and should be airborne in Daddy, I don't like it.
Oh, come on, darling, don't be silly.
GIRL: I'm scared.
But there's nothing to be scared of.
Is this your first time on a plane? How exciting.
You, know, the best bit is takeoff.
It's like a roller coaster.
What's your name? - Penny.
- Penny.
That's a cute name.
I used to have a cat called Penny, and you look a little bit like her.
(GIGGLES) And who is that? Daisy.
Well, I'm Robyn.
Now, can I tell you a secret? Can you lean in so Daddy can't hear? Okay, so, your dad told me that he's actually way more scared than he makes out, so you need to be really, really brave to keep him distracted, so he's not too scared.
Okay? Just sing songs, make silly faces, tell jokes, anything you can think of, just to make sure he's all right, okay? And if you can do that, I promise everything will be (KNOCKING ON DOOR) MALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sir.
I'm gonna need you to return to your seat.
Sir? all right.
Thank you.
(CONTINUES KNOCKING) Madam, the seat belt sign is on.
I'm with him.
Cal? Ma'am, this is under control.
- He's a nervous flyer.
- You need to return to your seat.
I'm trying to help.
Sir, please open the door.
- Calvin.
- MAN: Robyn? - What? - I'll be Holy shit.
I thought it was you.
It's It's Jamie.
Jamie? (STUTTERING) This is crazy.
I was just thinking about you guys the other day.
- Oh, my God.
This is He went out with my sister in high school for, what, like two years? - Almost three.
- Okay.
But I'm gonna need you to return to your seat.
- Sir.
- Calvin.
Business class.
That's No, nice.
Way to go.
- Madam.
- Please stop calling me "Madam.
" I'm not a French brothel owner.
- Sir, we cannot take off without you in your seat.
Great to see you doing so well for yourself.
- Sir.
- Madam.
Calvin! (DOOR RATTLES) Thank you.
Is that Is that Calvin Cooper? Uh It was great seeing you.
- We should have a drink - Yeah.
Great to see you.
What was that about? You better have volcanic diarrhea 'cause if I find out you were doing coke in there Hey, Cal.
PILOT: Cabin crew, please be seated for takeoff.
- I need - No! We're taking off.
Sit down.
Sit down! He doesn't like flying either.
I don't know what's going on with you but you need to fold your neck in or they're gonna throw us off the goddamn plane.
I think something bad might have happened.
What now? We haven't even taken off yet.
The, uh, voicemail.
It was It was the police.
And they told me to call them back immediately.
They They said it was urgent.
- Well, I'm sure it's - (GRUNTS) Damn it.
That stupid Latvian bitch.
- What are you talking about? - Uh, the My cleaning woman, yesterday, she dropped my laptop in the sink.
- So? - So, I wasn't there.
And she panicked 'cause she couldn't get it to start, so she took it to the computer repair place.
And? Damn it.
I should have told her to just march back in there and and get it back.
But that How's that gonna look? You know.
(SIGHS) What are you telling me? (STAMMERING) I'm just I'm saying You You know what it's like at the moment for people like me? It's a fuckin' witch-hunt.
It's only a computer, Calvin.
No, nothing.
It's, you know It's I I didn't put it there.
- Tell me now.
Exactly, please.
- Pictures.
- What sort of pictures? - Not good ones.
- How not good? - Really not good ones, Robyn.
About as not good as you can fucking get.
It's going to be fine.
We can deal with this.
Deal with it? How are we gonna fucking deal with it? Research.
It's research for a role.
It's a part in a film and you've been researching it, trying to get under the skin of the character to understand it.
So, we need a film, a role and a story.
We land in another six and a half hours.
If the police know, that means people in the show know, and if the people in the show know, likelihood is, by now, one of our friends in the media will know.
- Oh, God.
- So, we need our story tightly bound, laminated and carved into fucking stone tablets, ready to present for the moment we land and your phone starts ringing.
- How long have they been there? - What? The pictures.
I don't know.
Come on, Cal, a month? A year? Yeah, it's a new computer.
It's probably eight, nine months.
Okay, good, that's good.
- Do you trust your agent? - Mickey? To the extent that he'd lie for you, in court if necessary.
I don't know.
Okay, is he married? Kids? - Three.
- Great.
Do you know any stories that will bring a swift and expensive end to that happy union? I'd say I know a few.
I'm sure we can rely on his help.
Sit here.
Don't fuck anything else up.
What are you gonna do? My job.
Excuse me, um, I need to make a couple of phone calls? You can access the onboard WiFi to iMessage and email.
But, I'm afraid for the comfort of our other passengers, we do not allow voice calls - during the flight.
- Right.
Um, it's kind of important.
I'm sorry, madam.
- Is there a passenger phone or - I'm afraid not, madam.
A survey in 2014 indicated that our customers didn't actually want the ability to use their phones during the flight as they enjoyed the sanctuary of quiet.
Right, got it.
No phones.
Thank you.
I need your credit card.
- Why? - To access the onboard Wifi.
You have any idea how much they charge for that? (SNIFFS) I'm just saying.
Take it.
Take it all.
(INHALES) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Robyn, God, thanks for phoning.
I'm not calling to talk about anything.
- No, wait - Mark, forget it.
I don't have time to talk about it, I don't want to talk about it.
I just need you to answer some questions, okay? Is there any way of back-dating an email? What? Say I needed to make an email look like it was sent months ago, - is there any way to do it? - What's it for? Does it matter? I don't know.
It sounds kind of dodgy.
Mark, just answer the question.
Okay, okay, relax.
Um, just let me think.
Okay, I mean, maybe if you changed the local clock on the computer and then cleared the cache so that the email was fresh then maybe when you send the message it would show up in your sent folder with the amended time and date.
But really Clock, cache, okay.
No, no, Robyn.
Just wait.
We should - No, we shouldn't.
- Robyn.
Look, you may not need to talk about this, or want to listen to me, and that's fine, okay? But I do, so just The other night, I was so drunk.
- And my head was - Mark? I love your sister so bloody much - and I'm just sorry - Have you spoken to her? She won't return my messages.
I mean, she's really pissed but you two will be fine.
- And you always are, right? Okay.
- (SIGHS) I gotta go.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hey, can you talk? I got to be quick.
I'm on a plane with Calvin.
Oh, shit, I forgot you were given the suicide shift.
How's it going? I've broken through to a whole new circle of hell.
I really need help.
What can I do? I need a writer, someone we've got something on, something heavy, like black bin bag stuff.
Anyone who will go on record to say they've been talking to Calvin about a project.
What project? The one he's been recently researching online.
Oh, Lord.
How thorough is his research? I get the horrible feeling it's been pretty thorough.
I just don't understand it.
All these old dudes.
I mean, how do they even find this stuff? I've seen my dad try and use the computer.
He just sits there, hitting the track pad with his doughy paw like one of the monkeys from 2001.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) MAN: Madam, please open the door.
Just a sec.
(WHISPERS) I got to go.
Leave it with me.
Were you using a mobile phone? No, I was having a pee.
- Madam, I could hear you talking.
- I talk to myself while I pee.
It helps get things moving.
I have a shy bladder.
Well, just for your information, toilets are not to be used for making phone calls.
Anyone caught doing so will have their phone confiscated and could face criminal charges.
JAMIE: Give me your phone.
- What? - Your phone? Well, I'll put my number in and then you can decide whether or not you want to get in contact with a low-life like me, now you're all fancy and business-class.
Shut up.
- I looked for you on Facebook.
- I'm not on Facebook.
See? That's fancy.
Okay, enough.
Look, I'm emailing you right now.
Hey, so how is Ruth? She's She's great.
- Yeah? - Yeah, she's good.
Is she with anyone? Uh, married.
Kids, two of 'em.
I just got engaged.
- Like, three weeks ago.
- Congratulations.
To Pamela Stevens.
Fuck off.
Puffy Pam? Puffy Pam.
- Fuck off.
- Seriously.
Puffy Pam's not so puffy anymore.
So, plus, we got one of these.
Little Dino.
- Now, he is puffy.
- Yeah, he is kind of puffy.
Right, he gets that from his mom.
- Here's one of them together.
- Damn.
- Puffy Pam got hot.
- Yeah, Puffy Pam got hot.
- That's awesome.
- (LAUGHS) How about you? Uh, yeah, I'm with someone.
Kids? Not yet.
Hey, look, don't get me wrong, I mean, I love the little guy.
But, seriously, my one piece of advice is, like, hold off for as long as you can 'cause once those guys turn up It's over.
I mean, this is, like, a three-day business trip for me and I have never been so excited by an empty hotel room with 24-hour room service in my life.
Rock n' roll (PA SYSTEM DINGS) Hey, listen, I heard about what happened with your mom.
- I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
It must have been tough on you guys.
I mean, I loved your mom, it's just I know how Ruth found it You both had a lot to deal with.
Yeah, right.
Um, look, I've got a lot of work I need to get on with, so Yeah, I mean, you don't get to fly business-class sitting on your ass like me, so Yeah.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Okay, got it.
Andrew McCormack, we helped him cover up three illegitimate children.
Three? Philandering, Catholicism do not happy bed fellows make.
His wife doesn't even know about it so he'll be pretty amenable, I'm sure.
You're a star.
I need a treatment, couple of pages, story about a sex offender in his '50s.
If anyone asks, it's a project that Cal's been discussing with him for longer than nine months.
Nine months.
Got it.
And I need this in two hours.
Is that doable? I'll be persuasive.
Tight ring around this one.
For my eyes only.
- I'll be the model of discretion.
What? I'm on the toilet.
- What? - (KNOCKS) Madame, if you don't open the door, I'll be forced to take action.
I may be incommunicado for a little while.
Needless to say, no paper trail.
You know this is highly illegal, right? - Yup.
- Just checking.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS) Please return to your seat.
Of course.
(GRUNTS) - Hey.
- Hey, long time no see.
Hey, check this out.
I was looking through some old photos Could I borrow your laptop for a minute? Oh, uh, sure.
I need to send some really urgent emails, and I just had my phone confiscated.
You just had your phone confiscated? I I won't be long.
Uh, yeah.
Of course.
Gosh, you're amazing.
I will bring it right back.
All right, take your time.
Oh, no.
Wait, wait.
No, I just gotta I'm just gonna show you this.
ROBYN: God, is that really us? - Yeah.
- Roo looks like a baby.
What happened? Oh, we got old.
At least I did.
I mean, you barely look any different.
- Please.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.
- Oh, I should I should - Yeah, right.
- Go, go, go.
- Thank you.
Oh, God.
Um, I don't suppose you saw where my friend Calvin went? Um, I think he went to the bathroom or something.
You know, earlier, what he said He doesn't really want me to No, no.
He was just kidding.
Can I still get a picture though? (ALARM BEEPING) Can I have privacy? Right.
Call security.
Come on, move it.
Don't call security.
Are you some kind of plane Nazi? - Take it easy! - You're smoking a cigarette, Sir.
Hey, stop! Please.
Of course it's you.
This is the last straw.
I'll be reporting both of you.
Okay, everyone just stay calm.
Oh, don't tell me to stay calm.
Calvin, put the cigarette out and get back to your seat.
I'm I'm nervous, and this This calms me down.
Do it now, or so help me God, I will end you.
I need you to return to your seat, madam.
Your behavior will be reported to the authorities, and you can explain it to them when we land.
Can we just have a quick chat in private? I have no interest in Whoa, whoa, whoa, take your hands off me! Okay, Pan Am, listen hard, 'cause I'm going to talk really quickly.
You're gonna climb outta my ass, and you're not gonna report or even mention any of this to anyone, ever.
No authorities and certainly no press.
And the reason you're not gonna do this is because if you do, I will own you.
By the end of the week, there will be a headline on page 3 of The Sun in big block capitals with your face splashed all over.
Now that headline might be "Flying high", "Flight attendant accused of drug abuse" It might be "Right-wing flight attendant accused of racist outburst.
" Who knows, it could even be "Roger the cabin boy.
Flight attendant accused of buggering passengers".
That will depend on which one of your close friends decides to fuck you over first for better cash and what type of dirt I dig up on you.
And believe me, there is dirt.
There's always dirt.
Whether I need a black light and UV goggles to find it.
And guess what, if there isn't any, and you really are Mother Teresa, then I'll just make something up.
Because nobody gives two cold craps about proof these days, that's why stories play on the front page and apologies and retractions languish at the bottom of page 27.
Do we have an understanding? (CHUCKLES) Are you trying to blackmail me? I'm not trying anything.
The word "try" implies that there is some latitude in the outcome.
I am warning you.
Stay out of my way and I'll stay out of yours.
Now, seeing as how you confiscated my phones, is there somewhere I can make a call? - Thank you.
- Yeah.
Oh, it's 9 for an outside line.
Do you mind? Whoa.
(DIALING) Hey! What? Sorry, I didn't mean I heard you in here, so I thought, um I was gonna ask, you're with Calvin Cooper, right? - What? - You're traveling with him.
What's he like, nice guy? He's a cnt.
Oh, right.
Yeah, I mean, he seems like a nice guy.
You know, you just get that vibe off some people.
And is he a friend of yours? - A client.
- Client.
Look at you.
Yeah, fancy.
I'm fancy now, Jamie.
Is there something you need? Uh Do you think maybe you could get me a little autograph? It's for Pam, it's just Yup, sure thing, is there something else? Because I really need to Oh, no, great.
You go for it.
(EXHALES) (DIALING) (LINE RINGING) Hi, Melody, it's me.
MELODY: Robyn.
Hi, how's the travel going? I need a story seeded.
Right, sure, okay.
Um, is there a particular journalist you'd like me to contact, or It's just a media chatterpiece, so Simon Penchant at Metr would be good.
But you can't go to him directly, or he'll smell a rat.
It's really delicate.
He needs to find it himself.
If I remember correctly, he goes out with this actress called Siobhan Okay.
She's in her final year at Central, which means tonight, she'll be drinking at the Swiss Pub 'cause it's the only decent place to get a drink within a mile radius.
How do you know she'll be drinking? Because she's an actor.
Look, take some petty cash, go to the Swiss, and sit near every 5'4" redhead you can find, talking loudly about the fact that Calvin Cooper is going to be playing a sex offender, in a new Andrew McCormack film.
Uh, Calvin Cooper, and - Are you writing this down? - Yes.
Don't write it down! Oh, okay.
- You got it? - Yeah, um How do you know it's gonna work? Melody, if you want gossip spread, tell it to a bunch of actors.
Okay, I know this is gonna sound weird, 'cause we haven't seen each other in, like, a hundred years.
I'm in the middle of something.
Yeah, I know, okay.
But what I was gonna say is, seeing as you're in town, Pam and I are having some engagement drinks tomorrow night.
It's like an hour outta town, - and you can stay with us, - Robyn? there'll be a whole bunch of people from high school there.
Jamie! This is really important.
Okay, I'm just kind of important, too, uh, to me, anyway.
Uh, it doesn't matter.
No, it's cool.
It's cool.
It's cool.
If you could just drop my laptop off when you're done, I need to finish this report before I land.
- Robyn? - (SIGHS) Yup, I'm here.
Call Eve, tell her I need that e-mail ASAP.
And just to give you a heads up, it might get a bit hectic for a few days, so you might wanna make some space.
Right, will do.
- Robyn - Yeah? Are you okay? - What? - Are you all right? You sound strange.
I'm fine.
It's gonna be fine.
(DINGS) MAN OVER PA: Ladies and gentlemen.
As you have noticed, the captain has turned on the seat belt sign, as we will shortly be beginning our descent Please make sure your seat belt is securely fastened, and seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position.
Did you know that planes are legally obliged to have ashtrays in the toilets even though you haven't been allowed to smoke in them since the '80s.
It's 'cause in 1973, some guy left a cigarette in a bin and it caught on fire.
The plane crashed.
Killed 123 people.
So Even though you're not allowed to smoke, they still have ashtrays because they know that people will.
They legislate for it.
They facilitate it.
Such is the inevitability of human weakness.
PILOT: This is your captain speaking.
We've begun our descent to JFK.
And weather conditions are a little rough over New York, so we may experience a few bumps en route.
Uh, on behalf of myself and crew, I'd like to thank you for traveling with us today.
Ever get the feeling, there's two people inside you? The normal human being, who is supposed to do things like Chat, love people, care, do Christmas Be a part of, some kind of society of other human beings.
And then there's this other thing.
This goblin.
It just kind of hovers behind.
It doesn't understand, doesn't care, just wants to (SIGHS) Destroy everything and then it The first guy covers and smiles and repairs, allowing the goblin to keep doing the terrible things that he does.
And over and over and over again, the first guy helps the goblin get away with it.
And the goblin can't help it.
(STUTTERS) It's his nature.
He actually wants it to stop but the first guy won't let him The nice guy, who smiles and drinks tea and goes to birthday parties and sings fucking karaoke.
So maybe it's him.
Not the goblin, who's the real bad guy.
I mean, maybe, he's the one that needs to be stopped.
You remember everything we discussed? The order of information you need to divulge? Don't be too specific, not at first.
- Stay calm.
You're innocent.
- Hmm.
It's a shock, a simple horrifying misunderstanding.
When we land, call your lawyer.
Get him to clear his diary.
- (WHISPERS) That's it.
- What? I mean, that's it? (CHUCKLES) You have nothing else to say? Did I miss something? No, I just I feel like you're just sitting there and judging me.
You know the really scary part, Calvin, 'cause I'm not.
I'm thinking about which chat show hosts are most amenable to mea culpa.
I'm thinking about what color suit most reflects honesty and innocence.
I'm thinking about ghostwriters and the fact that I can already name three publishers who would offer you a shitload of money to tell your side of the story.
That's what I'm thinking about, Calvin.
(WHISPERING) Excuse me, hi.
Sorry to interrupt.
Do you think I can get my laptop back? It's just that it belongs to work and I'll get in trouble if I - Of course.
- Thanks.
It was really good seeing you, Robyn.
Pleased you're doing so well.
Hope you're happy.
I'm Jamie.
Just a massive fan of your work, man, seriously Do you think I can get a quick autograph for my fiance? Her name's Pam.
Thank you, my man.
I really appreciate it.
JANET: Sir, you're going to have to return to your seat.
We are about to land.
- Please, sir.
- So sorry, dude.
- Sir! - Yup, leaving.
Give my love to Ruth.
- Your pen? - Uh, keep it.
It's a relief.
Really (STAMMERING) It's exhausting.
Hiding, (STAMMERS) you know, this shit inside me.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'm gonna fix it.
(INHALES) I really am.
I'm gonna get my ducks in a row.
I've seen things happen to (STUTTERS) To too many friends.
We are a different generation.
I am not saying that as an excuse.
It's just It's a fact.
(CHUCKLES) We're out of time being sucked down a black hole.
I am sorry.
(STAMMERS) For this and, for everything.
This is a real wake up call.
It really is, and I want to thank you, Robyn.
Because if I get through this, it is all because of you.
(PASSENGERS EXCLAIMING) PILOT: Cabin crew, proceed for landing.
The descent was a little more turbulent than we expected.
But we would like to welcome you to JFK, New York.
(PHONE VIBRATING) And although we are now at the gate, please remain seated until - Jesus Christ.
- seat belt sign has been turn off.
- Seven voicemails.
- There's a plan in place.
Remain calm.
Ladies and gentlemen Do as we said.
the local time - Oh, my God.
- What? My brother, he was in a car accident.
(LAUGHS) That's what the police were calling about.
Stupid son of a bitch.
He was texting.
He ran into the back of a Prius.
- Is he okay? - Crazy.
He's got, like a, you know, a broken hip but Yeah, no, he's fine, he's fine.
(LAUGHS) He's stable.
Jesus Christ! Oh, my God.
That's unbelievable! Oh, don't I feel like a dumbass.
- So, the laptop? - Oh, the la Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know.
I'll text Magda.
I'll have her pick it up, whether broken or not.
I mean, it's It's It's like a Get Out of Jail Free card.
I feel like a A cancer victim who just got the all clear.
I'm gonna get fuckin' fucked up tonight! We are gonna celebrate, baby.
I'm gonna need you to make a couple of phone calls.
There's an agency that I use here.
They know what I like.
Crack a smile.
Come on, it's good times.
This is a Christmas miracle.
(PA SYSTEM DINGS) Oh and, uh, we should send, uh, my brother some fruit or something.
What a trip, huh? (CHUCKLES) Your phones, madam.
I'm so sorry about that situation earlier.
Oh, just so you know.
Um, I won't be putting any of it in my report.
- So, is everything okay? - Of course.
Thank you.
False alarm.
Stand down.
Okay, I gotta get off this goddamn plane before I murder someone.
Hey, will you, uh Grab my bags, will you? Hey, guess what? I found a pen.
Now, all I need is something to sign.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, thank you.
I would never have heard the last of it if we had lost Daisy.
What do we say, Pen? Thank you, Robyn.
Daddy was a bit scared when it was bumpy but now I think he's okay.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
(PHONE CHIMES) Jamie From The Past: Good times, nice seeing you.
Jamie x CALVIN: You guys are awesome.
Can I help you with your bag? Mmm-hmm.
(LINE RINGING) Hi, is that Michael? It's Robyn.
How are you? How are the kids? That's great.
Glad to hear it.
Look, I'm gonna need to call in that favor.
CALVIN: My pleasure.
You still have your connection on the force? - CALVIN: You staying in town? - Oh, there's currently a laptop at Edmonton PC Repair in Hampstead, that they might want to take a look at.
Belongs to a Mr.
But they're going to need to move quickly.
I appreciate it.
This conversation never happened.