Fleabag (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 2

1 Here's to love! Congratulations, you assholes! Did you always want to join the priesthood? - Oh, fuck no.
- [LAUGHTER] Are you a real priest? Yeah.
So, do your family get together much or Well, fuck you then.
And do you want to know what gift I'm giving your father? - Oh, God.
- It's a portrait.
- Oh, God.
- Of you girls.
- Oh, God.
- You pissed off or you doing a poo? Get your hands off my miscarriage! - What's happened? - Nothing's happened.
- Just had a little - What? What, darling? - Miscarriage.
- Hospital now.
What about the bill? Sit down.
I'll cover her.
I'll cover you.
If you ever need someone.
I'll be there.
If it didn't want to be in there, it didn't want to be in there.
Something wasn't right.
[HE CRIES OUT] What the fuck!? [INDISTINCT SHOUTS] - The priest is quite hot.
- So hot.
Peace be with you.
Yeah, you too, thank you.
- Peace be with you.
- And also with you.
- Peace be with you.
- And also with you.
Peace be with you.
Peace be with you.
- Peace be with you.
- And also with you.
- Peace be with you.
- And also with you.
Let us pray.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Rooted, grafted, built on thee Please be seated.
And also with you.
Um Sorry, uh, yes, today's Um Today's notices.
There's a raffle at tomorrow's fete to raise funds for the Sorry The diocesan pilgrimage to Lourdes.
Uh, congratulations to St Ethelred's Football Club.
- Woo! - [LAUGHTER] Three one victory.
Uh, next Friday is a first Friday and I'm going to be making my usual sick calls to the housebound with the Eucharist and, finally, on Thursday I'm going to begin Holy Communion preparation classes and there are more details of that in the parish newsletter, along with my latest review.
[FAINT LAUGHTER] That's all, folks.
Uh, please stand for God's blessing.
Thanks so much.
- Thank you, Father.
- All the best.
See you next week.
All the best.
- Really good one, Father.
- Nice to see you, Gina.
Loved the story about your eye.
[HE CHUCKLES] Off you go.
Give my regards to those budgies.
- Hi.
- This is lovely.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
I thought you'd be in prison by now.
Ah, well, I keep trying, but they just won't have me.
- I'm sorry about your eye.
- Oh, that's okay.
Gives me some edge.
I've told them some heroic bullshit.
Um Bless you, Sandy.
- Thank you, Father.
- Bless you.
Thank you, Father.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye now.
Have a nice day.
- God bless you.
- Bye.
See you next week.
- Bless you.
I just wanted to pay you back for dinner - Oh, no! Thank you, honestly.
- Because I No, no, really, I insist.
- It'll have to be in instalments - I don't want it.
I don't want it.
- I've got no pockets.
- Please Honestly, thank you.
Nah-ah! I'm going to knife the candles, Father.
They're a bit clogged up.
- Okay, Pam.
- Yeah.
Well, the hair dryer's in the, in the wonky drawer Under the wonky drawer.
Yes, I know.
- Hello, love.
- Hi.
Oh, is that for the collection? How sweet.
So kind.
Thank you.
That's Pam.
Do you like tea? Jesus.
- Tea! - Great.
I don't want boast, but I make a cracking - Oh! Bastard! Sorry.
- Oh! - Bastard! - Um Let me just get this.
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, is that holy? A bit less than it was before.
Uh Oh, well.
He'll understand.
He's an understanding sort.
There you go.
Sorry about all the tat.
It's for a fundraiser garden party thing tomorrow.
So much stuff, absolutely no staff.
- You can volunteer if you want.
- Oh - I'm only joking.
- Oh.
You've probably got a life.
- What's the time? - Um Do you want a proper drink? I've got cans of G&T.
From M&S.
- Well, it's - I will if you will.
So, you're a cool priest, are you? - A cool priest? - Yeah.
I'm a big reader with no friends.
Are you a cool person? - I'm a pretty normal person.
- A normal person? - Yeah, a normal person.
- What makes you a normal person? Well, I don't believe in God I love it when He does that.
So, you were in my prayers last night.
I'm sorry for your loss.
What? Your baby.
Oh! Yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, I Thank you.
Is the father all right? Well, he doesn't really exist.
I understand.
The funeral liturgy says that life is changed, not ended.
I've always loved that, if that's of any help.
Oh, well, thank you very much, but I really am an atheist.
Yeah, I gathered that by the smelling of the Bible.
[THEY CHUCKLE] New sermon? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's I write, uh restaurant reviews for the parish magazine and I was just finishing up the last one.
I actually just came up with a really good title.
Ah, what is it? - No.
- What? - No, it's not cool.
- Well, neither are we, so "I'd spend 40 days and 40 nights in that dessert.
" Oh, God, I fancy a priest.
There you go.
Are you having an event? No.
Why are there so many people here? Well, it's just successful, I guess.
Why is everyone talking to each other? Oh, it's Chatty Wednesday.
If you buy something, you have to have a chat - with someone you don't know.
- What? Loneliness pays.
Listen, can we Sure.
- I know you and I haven't - Have you had a check-up? Yes, it's fine.
It's really not a big deal.
- It happens all the time - Hello! - No.
- Where you from? I'm not This isn't I'm not part of this.
I shouldn't have to I don't want to tell you that.
She hasn't bought anything yet, Joe.
Oh, shit.
I'm so sorry.
Does Martin know? You're not supposed to tell anyone for the first 12 - Well, you can tell the father.
- I just haven't told him.
- Okay, but what does he know? - I don't want to talk about it, okay? And I never want anyone to know about it.
You have it.
You're better at dealing with awful things anyway.
- I don't want it.
- Well, you took it, now everyone thinks you have it, so you have it.
[CLAIRE SIGHS] What? They're some pretty funky trainers.
I said I'm fine.
I just really, really don't want anyone to make a big deal out of this, okay? Brutal.
Just brutal.
You must feel rotten.
Do you feel rotten? I'd rather not talk about it if that's okay.
Of course, darling.
Come on up.
Claire get the door, for God's sake.
Did you know who the father was? Um, you know, I'd rather not talk about it if that's okay.
No, of course, darling.
I've got a set up I'm very excited about.
- It's going to be very striking.
- Cool.
So, Claire, if you just sit here.
That's lovely And, darling, just beside her like that.
Actually, if you could just That's it, that's it.
Just a bit.
Bit more.
There, perfect.
Gorgeous, yes.
Sorry, no, if you could just That's it.
Thank you, darling.
- So, um - She can't not talk about it.
- You know, I have six friends - A lie.
who've had miscarriages.
Five of them never managed to produce a child afterwards, but the sixth one did and rather regretted it, so I think you've probably done the right thing.
Thank you.
Did you never want them? Oh, I'm still thinking about it.
Is Dad here? I texted him, but - Oh, I saw that.
- Oh, so he is here? Sorry, no, I've got his phone today.
I love that colour.
Which one? - That one.
- Oh, that's three colours.
I'm getting rid of it.
But it was quite an adventure painting.
I had an orgasm as I finished it.
Well, let's hope we all get as much pleasure out of this one.
- [PHONE BUZZES] - No, no.
Could you? Um, I have a pretty full afternoon, so Oh, have you got to go back to Finland again? No, Finland are coming here.
Well, that's easier for you.
Are you still okay to pick up the invitations? Oh, yes, of course.
And did you find that ribbon thing for the flowers? - Yes.
- Great.
And is Martin's nose on the mend? Yes.
And how's the bassoon solo coming on? - [PHONE VIBRATES] - Oh, yes, he's practising.
- Oh, God, and now I just have to - What? Sorry, Claire, can you look up, please? Thank you.
Organise canapes for an awards ceremony.
Oh, gosh, you must be exhausted.
Does the little cafe do canapes? It totally could, yeah.
Well, there you are.
That's one off the list.
Gosh, haven't you got a lovely, thick neck? [PHONE VIBRATES] - That was fun.
- Thank you.
I really can help with the canapes if it's - I'm going to say this quickly.
Okay? - Okay.
Martin wants to press charges against you for assault.
I've tried to talk him down, but to be fair, you did hit him - fucking hard.
- What?! I will provide you with exceptional legal advice as long as you don't tell anyone I'm providing you with exceptional legal advice.
- What?! - This is happening.
I am mortified, but it is happening, okay? I will hire this lawyer to scare him off and I will hire you to do the canapes.
- Who's the lawyer? - Oh, he's a friend.
He mainly defends rapists.
He has a high success rate then.
- Undefeated.
Come on.
- [SIGHS] I've filled him in with the basics.
- That your husband's an animal? - Be serious.
Just do whatever he says and don't flirt with him.
I'm not going to f Fucking hell, okay.
- Claire! - David, thank you so much - Oh! Sorry.
- Wow.
I can take you to court for that.
[THEY CHUCKLE] This the little trouble maker, then? - Hi.
- Hi.
Now, listen, I just want to be clear that whatever happens, I don't sleep with people I work with, okay? [HE LAUGHS] I'm joking.
Slip on in, ladies.
Well, if you spit guilty, you'll have to swallow a short jail term, or community service if you're lucky.
Or? - You definitely started it? - Yes.
- Any witnesses? - About 30.
The most important thing, honey, is that you do not, under any circumstances, apologise.
- I can do that - No, that's not what we discussed.
Well, that can be taken as an admission of guilt.
I assume you know the victim personally? - Yes - No, and let's not call him - the victim yet, shall we? - Well, that's what he is.
They've definitely fucked.
We just want a letter to scare him off if he ends up seeking proper action.
- Really doesn't make sense, Claire.
- Actually maybe not.
I think it makes perfect sense.
- I just want to be ahead of the game.
- God, I can't tell.
- That's a habit of yours, I've heard.
- Oh, I've got it.
- Is it? - They haven't You're going to have to tell me who said that.
- Never.
- but they're going to.
- David.
- Oh, God, I've got to get out.
- Claire.
- Excuse me.
Where you off to, little lady? I'm just going to let this Yeah.
You all right? Yeah.
Just thought I'd leave you to it.
- Sorry.
- What? He says he'll only talk you through potential proceedings - if you go for a drink with him.
- What? - I know.
- Outrageous.
- Stop smiling.
- I thought he was after you? So did I, but my hair isn't great at the moment.
Either way, it's very inappropriate.
- Don't sleep with him.
- I won't.
- Don't.
- I won't.
I don't do that anymore.
What? Why? Are you ill? - No.
- Then what? Well, I just Oh, my God.
Have you met someone? Well, not really.
- Back with Harry? - No, it's actually - Someone new? - Well - Is he single? - Sort of.
Take this.
I'll try talk Martin down, but call him if you need him.
He's a very good lawyer.
Surprisingly tender underneath it all.
Knew it.
What you did in the restaurant was unforgiveable.
I know.
Thank you.
Okay, well Listen, I actually just wanted to give you this.
It's just one session, but you've been through a lot, so I just Oh, my God, I said I'm fine.
I'm weirdly fine.
I'd rather have the money.
Excuse me, I've got dry forearms.
So, why have you come to the session? Oh, it was a birthday present from my father.
Is that a joke? No.
It would be good not to make jokes in here.
Just in case anything gets lost in humorous translation.
Oh, I don't know if I can do that.
Is that a joke? No.
Oh, just try not to, or make it very obvious.
So, why do you think your father suggested you come for counselling? I think because my mother died and he can't talk about it and my sister and I didn't speak for a year because she thinks I tried to sleep with her husband and because I spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart.
I'm good at this.
Although I don't really do that any more.
You close with your family? We get on with it.
- Do you talk? - God no! Any friends? - Sorry? - Any friends? Um No, I don't really have time for Well, I have a guinea pig, but she blows hot and cold.
Not a joke.
Tell me about the sex.
[SHE LAUGHS] All of it? You said you don't do that now.
Oh, no, I just play tennis now.
Tough crowd.
I just Sex didn't bring anything good, so I'm trying not to But I've And what have you found in your abstinence? Well, I'm very horny and your little scarf isn't helping.
So, the impulse is still there? Oh Yeah, the impulse is The impulse is very much still there.
It's just never the right person.
So there is a particular person you're not having sex with? No! Well, look, nothing's happened.
I just He's not available.
- In a relationship? - Yes, a bad one.
Oh, really? How so? It's a sort of relationship where one partner - tells the other how to dress.
- Are you in love with him? [LAUGHING] No! Why do you find that funny? Well, I I dunno, I just I don't No! - Just not a romantic? - No.
Just a girl with no friends and an empty heart? By your own description.
I have friends.
Oh, so you do have someone to talk to.
Do you see them a lot? Oh, they're they're always there.
They're They're always there.
Why do you find that funny? Listen, I don't need to be analysed.
I have a nice life.
I just I just wanted to exchange the voucher for the money.
It's a bit late for that now.
I've only been here five minutes.
I want the money.
I want to fuck a priest.
- Catholic? - Yes! - A good one? - Yes! - Looks good in the - Mmm, yes.
I understand.
Do you really want to fuck the priest, or do you want to fuck God? - Can you fuck God? - Oh, yes.
Look just please tell me how to not fuck a priest, before I get arrested.
Well, I don't think fucking a priest will make you feel as powerful - as you think it will.
- Can you just tell me what to do? You know.
You already know what you're going to do.
Everybody does.
What?! You've already decided what you're going to do.
So what's the point in you? You know what you're going to do.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- I don't! - You do! - I don't! I don't - You do! - Good luck! - Thank you.
Shut up.
Hi, can I have two raffle tickets, please? - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, hi! Hi! You're - Yeah! - with child.
- Yes.
- Cool! - You, you got a fringe! - Yeah! Yeah.
Oh, cool.
- Aw, you always wanted a baby! - You always wanted a fringe.
She is amazing.
- I mean, it's been tough, but amazing.
- Oh, yeah? Yeah, I mean, the birth really took its toll.
- Oh, really? Was it a tricky one? - I can't really remember it now.
But the whole thing has just really changed me.
I just don't feel You know, my emotions are up and down.
My body just feels different.
I mean, Elaine is being amazing, so supportive It sounds like you have got post-natal depression.
I do, yeah, but we're working through it.
- Sure.
- Just to let you know, the band is going to start in a couple of minutes.
Hey, Father.
This is Suzie! Aw, I don't know how to talk to babies, sorry.
Do you guys know each other? - Uh, yeah.
- We sort of used to I used to be her girlfriend.
Oh, cool.
Good for you! I'm going to go and show her the coconuts.
- She's really good at counting.
- Okay.
Excuse me, everyone! The Youthy Band is about to play the ode to something! - You having fun? - Yes, yeah.
- Selling well? Good.
- Yes, I think so.
Oh, puzzle.
I love a puzzle! - The Youthy Band are about - Yes, I heard you, Pam.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you.
- Ah, there's the main event.
- Yeah! - Very talented.
- She, uh, she Don't say it.
She, she, actually Just don't say it.
She actually orgasmed when she finished it.
I just said it.
- Apparently.
- Ah! Well, whatever gets you there! Father! Father, we have a cupcake situation over here! Okay, Pam! I will be there to cupcake.
[THEY LAUGH] Thank you so much for helping.
Arm touch.
[HE PLAYS OUT OF TIME] At least my son is in the Youthy Band, what's your excuse? Urgh! I'm helping the priest.
Wow, you do love a challenge, don't you? Hey, I just want to say something It's from River Island.
I got it last week.
I want to say that I'm sorry for saying what I said.
I'm sorry for what you went through.
I'm sorry.
I know what you're doing.
I'm not going to say it.
I'm just saying sorry.
I'm not going to say it.
I'm sorry.
And thank you.
- She and I have never been better.
- Oh! You had a big part in that.
I'm happy for you.
I'm happy you've found a way to deflect from your pitiful, self-sabotaging, ego-driven, masturbatory I cannot believe how well this is coming out.
pawing, insidious, insidious, overwhelming mediocrity, only to finally figure out that at your very core, you are a weaky.
Damn! - A "weaky"? - Damn! Damn! Wow.
A "weaky"? In that case, I just wanted you to know that I'm impressed with how you just keep bouncing back.
I really am.
You're a strongy.
That was awesome, man.
Creepy Jake, mainly says things like - Where's Claire? - and Where's Claire? She couldn't make it, man.
Lucky for us, your aunt is an avid church goer.
Thanks for watching.
Oh, you were excellent.
- Oh! - Ooh.
Careful there, buddy.
You could go down for that sort of behaviour these days.
- It was just a hug.
- "Oh, it was just a hug!" You got to do better than that these days, boy.
- Specially round this firecracker.
- But I didn't do Come on.
I don't want to be an asshole.
I just want her to be happy.
And she has been really happy until she saw you.
Just saying.
Tell her to leave him.
What? Tell her to leave him.
He's going to kill someone one day.
- Hey! - Yes, Father? Yes, Father? I can't believe I'm saying this, but Oh, God.
Can I get that coconut back? They're actually on hire.
I'm not sure if a lot of them are even real, actually, which is morally a bit dubious, but we've got to make money somehow.
- Thank you.
- Knuckle brush.
Also, I hope you don't mind, but, um I've marked a few pages in here that I thought might be - Ooh, eh.
- [BOTH LAUGH] No, no, no, no.
I'm not trying to They're just words.
Okay, it's just I I think I know what happens.
Come on, have a read.
I'd like to know what do you think.
And if you ever want to talk about stuff, I'm here.
With a G&T, of course.
You can come whenever you want.
I'd like you to come, if it helps.