Fleabag (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 5

I think there's something rather chic about having - a real priest at a wedding.
- Why is everyone talking to each other? Oh, it's Chatty Wednesday.
Hi, Jake.
Oh! Tell her to leave him.
We are trying for a baby.
This the little troublemaker, then? He says he'll only talk you through potential proceedings, - if you go for a drink with him.
- Claire! Oh! Hi.
Oh! So, how do you two know each other? BOTH: Oh, we are partners.
Are you in love with him? [LOUD BANG] I spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart.
- Don't sleep with him.
- I won't.
- Don't.
- I won't! I don't do that any more.
[LAUGHTER] I thought I wouldn't see you again unless you were in trouble.
Oh! I am in trouble! Ohh! You mean this kind of trouble.
[LAUGHS] Isn't he great? He's so great.
He's funny, he makes jokes.
She turned around and it was the golden one! You, sort of, needed to hear the top bit.
- I love word play.
- Oh, he's clever.
Shakespeare uses word play.
- He says things like - I've got a big case tomorrow.
He's a little bit controlling.
- Don't eat that.
- But it's manageable.
- I'm going to.
- Okay.
- He's a feminist.
- I have a sister.
- He's unpredictable.
- I'm just going to go for a shit.
I'm ignoring that.
Actually you want to go and have sex? - That's better.
- I'm really good at it.
- He won't be.
- I'm really good at it.
He won't be.
He's really good at it.
Oh, my God.
[DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS] I'm not going to be sick.
I'm not going to be sick.
Hi.
Hi.
- Do you need a hand with any of? - No, no.
- I can at least take the bassoon if you - No, I am perfectly balanced.
Thank you.
- Big night, last night? - Is it obvious? Well, at least someone's having fun.
Wait, I can get the - No, no I got it! - bell.
- Okay.
- [DOORBELL RINGS] - Are you going to be sick? - Nope.
She'd better be quick today.
I've got a serious appointment later, I can't miss it.
- It's very important.
- What kind of appointment? A serious one.
I can't miss it, okay? - Do you need me to? - I don't need you to do anything, thank you.
Unless you can find a way to stop this horrendous wedding from happening.
- Girls! - Hi! Come in! Come in.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, look at you.
Just leave these things there for now, yeah.
You like a quick cup of tea before you start? - It's already in the pot.
- I have to be pretty quick today.
- Water or some gin would be lovely.
- Come through.
We have a tray of lovely, sweet, chocolaty things and our lovely friend has just dropped round.
- Hi.
- Hello, darling.
Hello.
Oh, I'm going to be sick.
You all right? You look horrendous.
Oh, thanks.
Just a big night.
- Hello.
- Hey! I only meant to be quick, I wasn't Didn't need to Wasn't expecting the whole family, wow! They're being painted.
Isn't that fun? So fun! Um, I can come back later? - No, no! - No! No.
So, come on, fill us in.
Probably better, actually, that we should all hear the plans.
All right.
Right, well, I just wanted to pop in, actually, to say that, um I've been called away this weekend and I'm afraid I won't be able to officiate at the ceremony tomorrow.
Oh, Christ.
Why? My brother is ill.
So, I have to go and see him.
Wh-what's he ill with? A lorry accident.
Right.
Oh, God.
- Is he all right? - He's-he's He's in a bit of a state, to be honest.
But, uh I just can't do it.
I can't do it.
Well.
Well.
Oh, this is going to be spectacular.
You poor man.
Well, of course, you must go.
Really? - Really? - Of course! Family first! Always family first.
You must go! Get straight to him.
Just send me through the details of what you've worked out so far and we'll sort something out.
Well, I've put out the feelers for somebody else and Well, uh, I think we might have to Don't even think about it, this is much more important.
You must go! Go, go, go! Okay, well well, thank you so much for your understanding.
Yeah, well, sure, sure, sure.
All the best and I'll see you again.
- I'm sorry.
Have a great day! - Oh, goodbye, darling.
- Good luck! - Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT] What a cunt! - What a cunt! - No, no - Bastard! Fucking bastard! - Please, don't react like this.
- There's no need to talk like this.
- Don't touch me! Christ, I need to paint.
I need to paint, now! Send them away! - I think you should, uh - Yes, okay.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Dad.
[SIGHS] Well, that solves that problem.
Well, I'm relieved for him.
You all right? Yeah, just late for the cafe.
Right.
[DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS] - Whoa! Sorry.
- Oh, my God! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Jesus! How long were you there? Literally three seconds.
- You can't just cancel a wedding.
- I don't have a choice.
But you have the dress.
[BOTH LAUGH] I can't, I can't, I can't - Listen, I just need to say - No, no, no! I know what - I don't want to know! - I don't think you know what I'm gonna say! Please don't come to the church again.
I mean that with the greatest of compliments.
[DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS] I'd strongly advise taking out insurance.
- The problem is - I can deal with it.
- the young, uh, seven-foot-tall, - I can deal with it.
a very large armchair.
- So he didn't even feel - I can't deal with it.
the chinchilla, you know, suffocating underneath him.
It's Tuesday, Joe.
No, it's Chatty Wednesday.
No, it's Quiet Tuesday.
It's Chatty Wednesday.
Well, it was a very small chinchilla No, can we just stop chatting, just for a second please, Joe?! Joe, I Hi.
You okay? Uh, yeah.
Are you okay? You look like something bad's happened.
Do I? I thought I was looking jolly.
Oh! Um, why? I've been offered a new job.
Oh.
Congratulations.
But I just wanted to say goodbye and to give you this.
Thanks.
It's a guinea pig.
It's a hamster.
Thanks.
[PHONE VIBRATES] Oh, sorry, it's my sister.
She's a bit mental, do you mind if I? Sure, I wasn't going to stay so - Claire? - Something's happened! Something awful has happened! - What?! - I can't - Where are you? You need me to come? - I can't breathe! No, no, I just, I fucked it up.
I fucked everything up! Can you come? I mean, I-I have to close the cafe.
But I can - Just tell me where you are.
- No, don't close.
- I'm so sorry, but, but no - I can look after the place, if you like? - Really? - Well, I don't start till Monday.
But why? - I just like it.
- Oh, okay.
- Are you talking to me? - Could you give Hillary and, um - No, don't bring Hillary.
- Stephanie.
Stephanie, some cucumber at 2:30? - Who's Stephanie? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Um, Claire, just tell me where you are? - What the hell has happened? - No, just come! I need you to - Tell the truth.
- It's horrendous.
- It's horrendous.
- It's modern.
- Don't lie! - I'm not! I look like a pencil.
You [CHUCKLES] - You don't look like a - Don't laugh! - It's okay! - It's not okay, - I'm going to lose my job.
- You won't lose your job, it's cool.
- It's not cool! - It's edgy.
Oh, fuck off! - No, it's chic.
- It's unsalvageable! Claire, it's French! - Really? - Yes.
You been drinking? Oh, he gave me champagne before he ruined my life.
That's how they get you.
Did you go to Anthony? - Claire! - I know.
What?! You remember what happened to me?! I honestly thought it was the last time I was going to see him.
Um, I mean, that's awful, but if I - His little face was just - Anthony! - Is this what you asked for? - No, of course not! He's just a bastard.
Right, fuck it.
- What?! - Come on! No, no! It's All right! Come on! Slow down! Hey! - No! - Anthony.
No! That is exactly what she asked for.
No, it's not! We want compensation.
- Claire? - I've got two important meetings and I look like a pencil.
No! Don't blame me for your bad choices.
Hair isn't everything.
Wow! What? Hair is everything.
We wish it wasn't, so we could actually think about something else occasionally, but it is.
It's the difference between a good day and a bad day.
We're meant to think that it's a symbol of power, that it's a symbol of fertility.
Some people are exploited for it and it pays your fucking bills! Hair is everything, Anthony.
Show her the reference.
Claudia bring me the bin.
If you want to change your life, change your life.
It's not going to happen in here.
BOTH: Sorry, Anthony.
- I didn't mean to turn up.
- See you next week.
You got any cigarettes? - No.
- Good.
- Thank you for being there.
- It was cathartic.
At the hospital.
Oh, it's okay.
Shame you didn't get to keep that doctor.
I'm sorry you lost it.
I just felt relief.
I didn't want my husband's baby.
Isn't that awful? I haven't even asked you how you are? How are you? What's going on with you? Um I met someone.
- What? Really? - Yeah.
Oh, my God, that's amazing! What does he do? He's a priest.
[DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS] Is it? Yep.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- You are joking? - No.
[LAUGHS] - I'm sorry.
- I know.
It's just, I'm sure it's very complicated.
- Yes! It's very painful.
- But it, it's just you're a genius.
You're my fucking hero.
Claire? Is that you? Oh, God.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! - Claire! - Klare! - Hi! - Oh, my God, Claire, - I love your hair! - Oh! Claire, it's so cute and edgy and cool.
- Oh, thank you.
- Like superstar, pop star.
- [CHUCKLES] - [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Listen, these penguins are taking me to this new amazing London music thing.
- Are you free? - Yes.
- You want to come? - Oh, I I have to take my step-son his bassoon.
I mean, I wish I could.
Well, I leave tomorrow.
So Oh.
I'll take the bassoon.
I've got it.
I'll take it.
Oh, um No, he's expecting me to.
No, no.
No, just, just tell Jake it's with me at the cafe.
- Honestly, it's fine.
- Oh.
Hey, I don't want to get in the way of your family day.
No, I'll take it.
Please, get in the way of her family days.
Just tell Jake I've got it.
No biggie.
Bye, Claire.
Bye, Klare.
Bye, Claire.
I can't believe your hair! [BOTH LAUGH] It's so chic and cute! It's all the things! - Really? - [HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE] Goes so well with your top.
My, God, that's so sweet of you.
Honestly, I've had such a day with it.
- Yeah, all right.
[CHUCKLES] - Yeah.
Oh, fuck! Sorry! Well, that was exhausting.
- The new guinea pig - Hamster.
is in with Hillary.
They shared the cucumber okay, which was quite sweet.
Thanks.
Well, I'd say any time but, uh You have a new job.
I will be back, though.
My wife would love Chatty Wednesdays.
- Love them.
- Ah.
[CLEARS THROAT] Oh! You have a visitor.
He said he knew you, so I let him wait in there.
Oh? Oh.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Bye.
He took the pinny.
- Ugh.
- Hey! He's going to make a bassoon joke.
Is that a bassoon in your hand or are you just pleased to see me? Would you say that to your son? When he has his bassoon, sure.
But he's never pleased to see me, so It doesn't even make sense.
Why would a bassoon in my hand Like a dick in your hand.
Oh, right so if I was walking towards you with an amputated dick in my hand you'd think I was horny.
Well, I'd assume that you had been.
Certainly wouldn't put it past you to chop a dick off.
[SIGHS] Put the guinea pig down.
- Where is she? - Why? Well, she was meant to have dropped that off - and she's not at the office.
- Oh, I don't know where she is.
So, you just found that, huh? Hm.
Please don't hurt the guinea pig.
I would never hurt the guinea pig.
- [GUINEA PIG SQUEAKS] - I wouldn't do that.
Here we go, sweetie.
Come on, here.
It's fucking adorable.
Are you sure we should even be talking? Aren't you supposed to be getting me arrested or something? Wow.
She really tells you everything, doesn't she, hm? Cute tables.
- Ah, Jesus, Martin.
- Fuck off! You are the problem, you know that? You are the problem in my perfect, awful life.
I haven't seen you in a year.
And yet still off she runs, into the night, for you.
[HE SCOFFS] I can't even get the woman pregnant.
And then you come in showing off about your miscarriage, like you didn't even want the one you had.
I was just trying to make her feel better! [PHONE BUZZES] - Give me your phone.
- No.
Give me your phone.
No! Is she leaving me? I hope so.
Don't let her leave me.
Don't let her leave me, please.
I hope she doesn't come home tonight.
[CHUCKLES] Ah! Cashmere, cashmere, cashmere! I will take you down, fucker.
I will take you down, fucker.
[SCOFFS, CHUCKLES] - Fuck you! - Fuck you! - Fuck you! - Fuck you! Fuck you! You better start sleeping with a lawyer! I'm already sleeping with a lawyer! Yeah, lucky lawyer! Shit! [GUINEA PIG SQUEAKS] [SIGHS] I'd better call my lawyer.
[EXHALES] You know that feeling when the hot misogynist who might not be a misogynist is turning up at your house for the second time in 48 hours to give you nine orgasms you don't want, just to do something to get your head out of the fact the only person you want to see in the world is the priest that you - [FLAT BUZZER RINGS] - [SIGHS] So, you pick yourself up, cover yourself in coconut oil and hope he hasn't noticed that you haven't shaved your Hey.
Your sister gave me your address.
Are you on your way out? Oh, no, I just I just got in.
I've only got underwear under this coat.
Okay.
Can I come in? Yeah, sure.
- It's nice.
- Oh, thank you.
Uh Water? No, thanks, I want to keep a clear head.
Uh, I've changed my mind about the wedding.
I can't let them down like that.
And apparently no-one else will wear the outfit.
Well, that's good of you.
- You gonna take off your coat, or? - Oh no.
No, I'm good.
I'm a bit chilly.
I sacrificed a lot for this life.
You know? I've given a lot of things up.
- Um, so that - [BUZZER RINGS] Do you want to get that? Oh, no.
I don't like opening the door to people I don't know.
- [FLAT BUZZER RINGS] - I'm baaack! Look if-if if-if there's someone you need to see or, or let in, or? No, honestly, honestly, it's fine.
[SIGHS] - When I was a child, I - [FLAT BUZZER RINGS] - Me lady?! - I'm just I'll just be, um, just So, you're in trouble again, huh? Oh, my God, listen, you can't come in.
Okay! You want to do it on the doorstep? Uh, no.
My priest is here and he really needs some guidance.
What? Is he okay? No, I'm hoping he's having an emotional crisis.
Shall I wait? You said you wanted to see me? Yes, I did want to see you, but now I don't want to see you.
Did I do something wrong? You seemed to like what I did? I did.
- I'm really good at it.
- Yes, I know you are.
Yeah.
- I'm really good at it.
- Yeah, I know you are.
- I'm really - Yeah, yeah, you're really good at it.
Well, clearly, I'm not? - If you don't want it? - Oh, for God's sake.
You're the best sex I've ever had.
- What? - You're the best sex I've ever had.
Really? Honestly, you you made me cum nine times.
Honestly? Cool.
- Do you want me to go? - Yeah.
- I could take this somewhere else.
- Okay, good.
Good for her.
Nine times.
You're a saint.
[DOOR CLOSES] - I'm sorry that was - No, it's okay.
I won't ask.
Nine times? - I just had to get rid of him.
- Sure.
I can't be physical with you.
What, we can't even wrestle? [CHUCKLES] Well, priests have sex, you know.
A lot of them actually do.
They don't burst into flames, I googled it.
I can't have sex with you, because I'll fall in love with you.
And if I fall in love with you, I won't burst into flames, but my life will be fucked.
We're going to have sex.
- I'm supposed to love one thing.
- Oh, my God, we're gonna have sex.
For fuck's sake! Stop that! I don't think you want to be told what to do at all.
I think you know exactly what you want to do.
If you really wanted to be told what to you do, you'd be wearing one of these.
Women aren't actually allowed to - Oh, fuck off, I know! - [CHUCKLES] We're going to have sex, aren't we? Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh! Whoa! Okay.
Uh Listen I had a No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Sh, sh, sh, sh.
[DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS]