Four Weddings and a Funeral (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

Hounslow

1 Previously on Four Weddings and a Funeral - Fuck.
- I wanna be with you, Maya.
All I gotta do is tell her.
Hey, bitch.
You ready for the best weekend of your life? MAYA: Yes, I'm on the red-eye tonight.
Please, I need my bag.
I took the wrong one off the carousel.
Have you ever had the feeling you've gone down the wrong path? KASH: I feel like that literally every day.
GEMMA: You must be Maya.
My name's Gemma.
I'm Ainsley's best friend.
[SCREAMS.]
I'm so excited! I'm gonna tell Maya tonight.
I feel like it's now or ever.
You got this.
You liked her for ten years.
- Suitcase guy? - Hi.
Maya, this is my boyfriend, Kash.
What's the deal? Is he serious? I mean, the last thing I wanna do is rush into anything.
Senator Ted Spencer has been in an extramarital affair.
Kaylee Haskins worked for Spencer as a dog walker.
That's my daughter.
Her name is Molly.
Maya.
Here you go.
Good luck.
PRIEST: Do you take this woman to be your wife? - I don't think I do.
- [GASPS.]
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
I don't think I do.
- I don't.
- You don't? Well, maybe.
It has to be the actual words.
It's very clear about that in the manual.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Sorry, everyone.
I just need a minute.
Uh, enjoy the church! - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Excuse me.
Hey, what the hell is happening? KASH: I'm so sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
You're just getting cold feet.
I was feeling it too.
- You were? - Yeah.
Last night, I went down this rabbit hole of "Should we be getting married? Should anybody be getting married? Like, is it against human nature to just have sex with one person? Like, I never got to hook up with a Greek guy.
That could have been cool.
" But then I was like, "Shut up, Ainsley.
You love him, and that is all that matters.
" - Okay? - KASH: You're right.
AINSLEY: So just tell yourself, "Shut up, Kash.
You love her.
" Yeah, shut up, Kash.
You - I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, um, while we wait, maybe a song? [BACH'S "TOCCATA AND FUGUE IN D MINOR" PLAYS.]
Stop, stop! Why would you play that? Please don't do this to me.
Ains, I can't marry you.
- I'm sorry.
- If you say "sorry" one more time Just tell me why! I don't know why.
Sorry.
- [GRUNTS.]
- ALL: [GASPS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Ainsley! Ainsley! [WEDDING RECESSIONAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
I hope there's still an open bar at the reception.
You've got a sweet little place in my heart Like a sweet little rain takes care of the flowers And that's love Your kind of love, your kind of love - [LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC.]
- - Suits? - Donate.
- Cufflinks? - Donate.
What's a men's shelter going to do with cufflinks? Oh, so the poor shouldn't care how their wrists look? Oh, my God.
Look what I found in his pocket.
This is why he did it.
He's a secret drug addict.
I'm pretty sure that's a breath mint.
Yes, darling, I think you're grasping.
Well, there has to be some reason why this happened.
We had the perfect relationship.
You don't just throw that away for nothing.
And if he would just call me and give me some kind of explanation at least I would know this wasn't my fault.
Oh, sweetie.
I have a brilliant idea.
It's Saturday.
Why don't we do game night like we always do? I don't think Ainsley's ready to throw a party.
Actually, I would love that.
No, but I just I have too much to do.
I have, like, 300 "thank-you-slash- sorry-I-didn't-get-married" notes, and then I have to take everything back to Kash's dad's house No, no, no, no, no, my sweet.
We'll do it.
I'll write the thank-you notes, seeing as I have my Master's in calligraphy, and Maya will go to Hounslow.
Of course.
Wait, to Kash's? I would take on both tasks.
Regrettably, I have but two arms.
It's better if it's you, Maya.
You barely knew him.
[SNIFFLES.]
- I'll be back.
- Where are you going? Um, I'm just going for a quick run.
Now? But we have plans to whiten our teeth together.
I don't remember that.
Alexa, what's our schedule for today? ALEXA: 11:00 a.
m.
, teeth-whitening with Craig.
1:00 p.
m.
: Go through Craig's wallet.
[SHUSHES.]
Thank you, Alexa.
Be back, babe.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[CHEERFUL ACOUSTIC MUSIC.]
Duffy! Duffy, hi! Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Hi, Tabby.
Or should I say, "Bonjour"? That's right, because I'm a French teacher.
- You remembered.
- Yeah.
Are you planning on seeing the student production of Angels in America? Because I have a spare ticket for tonight.
Oh, wow, um, I would love that, but I'm actually headed into town.
Yeah, my friends and I sort of do this game night every other Saturday.
That's sounds so much fun.
I love games.
It is fun.
It's the it's the best.
Maybe you and your friends should do something similar.
True.
That's a great idea.
Yeah.
Uh, okay.
Well, um, enjoy Angels in America.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Kashif, wake up.
[GROANS.]
Come on, lazy bones.
Get up.
[GROANS.]
- Kashif.
- Baba, what? Good, you are awake.
We're out of milk.
- I need you to go get some.
- Can Asif get it? You have not been out of the house for a week.
You know, since your very public humiliation.
I remember what happened, Dad.
Have you even called Ainsley to apologize? [EXHALES.]
No.
She doesn't want an "I'm sorry", she wants an explanation, and I don't know what to say to her.
Well, you can't hide here forever.
I'm not hiding.
I'm processing.
And you can't do that at Tesco's? Hey, Graham Norton, I can't sleep with this chat show going on.
- Come on, we also need laundry detergent, - [SIGHS.]
Fine, I'm going.
and you do all the laundry.
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC.]
Hey, I'm heading to Hounslow.
Were you stalking Kash's Instagram? Look at this caption from six months ago.
"Doesn't get better than this.
" What does that mean? That everything that came after that trip was a disappointment? No, it means he's basic and bad at writing Instagram captions.
Hey, stop torturing yourself.
That's easy for you to say.
At least you know why things ended with Ted.
Yeah, he cheated on me in a very public way.
You know what? You're right.
I am lucky.
What a cool guy.
[LAUGHS.]
Do you have to leave on Monday or can you just stay forever? No, I gotta get back and figure out my life.
Hmm.
Besides, if you're away from D.
C.
too long, Mike Pence turns your office into a chapel.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, enough wallowing.
I gotta go to work.
Hey, thanks for going to Kash's.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Mmm.
[EXHALES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [CROWD GROANS.]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
COACH: Come on, Molly.
Your turn! Molly, where you going? - Molly, go back to the game.
- Okay! Julia! Well, what are the chances of seeing you here? 'Cause I was at the park running, you're here, I'm here Save it.
You've been watching the kids for forty minutes.
The other mums think you're a pedo.
Look, I'm sorry, but I had to see her.
Not here.
I'll message you where.
Now go.
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- [SHUSHES.]
[SIGHS.]
- - - [MESSAGE BLEEPS.]
- - Thief! - Ah! HAROON: Parcel thief! You are the one who keeps stealing my Amazon boxes! No, no, no, no.
I'm Maya, Ainsley's friend from the wedding or almost wedding.
I just brought back Kash's stuff.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Of course.
Thanks.
No, no, no, no.
You must come in.
I just made French bread pizzas.
They come in a pack of four, and there are only three of us.
- I really can't.
- Please.
For all the trouble you have taken to bring Kashif's things.
Yeah, I have a cab had.
Um, I'll call an Uber.
And you'll wait for it with a belly full of French bread pizza.
Come in.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, only for a minute.
HAROON: Oh, please.
Get up, boys, we have a visitor.
[SIGHS.]
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
- Maya, hi.
- Hi.
What are you doing here? I brought your stuff from Ainsley's.
Really? Um, thank you.
I've been wearing the same shirt for a week.
Wait, where's the rest of it? She gave it to charity.
Oxfam thanks you for your donation.
French bread pizza.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
- Feel at home.
- I can't stay for very long.
Maya, do you watch Mastermind? It's my favorite quiz show.
I'm very good at it.
Here we go.
What color are the benches in the House of Lords? Trick question! There are no benches.
[LAUGHS.]
- Red.
- Yes.
- [EXCLAIMS.]
- Oh, it's like Jeopardy!.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- I used to watch that, every night with my dad.
See? In America, everyone watches TV with their father.
It's cool.
JOHN HUMPHRYS: Which composer was born in Salzburg on 27th of January, 1756? - Beethoven.
- It's Mozart.
- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
- JOHN: Yes.
What name of Central Asian You're so smart.
That's my type.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Don't say stuff like that.
JOHN: Next in the chair now is Brian.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
Dear Mr.
and Mrs.
Parsons, I truly apologize for the wedding's unforeseen turn.
Dear Mr.
and Mrs.
Bose, the groom acted erratically due to an undiagnosed brain parasite.
Thank you for the ceramic pumpkin tureen.
Thank you for the six ramekins.
I can almost see the soufflés that could have risen.
Yours, Ainsley.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER FROM TV.]
Quentin, I've been at this for hours, and I'm only on my sixth card.
My hand is a frozen claw.
Well, darling, what is it we always say to Giles when faced with a difficult task? - "Quit".
- GEMMA: No, I can't.
I promised Ainsley, and I can't get shown up by Maya.
She's trying to steal my best friend.
Adults with best friends.
How horribly American.
You only say that because all your best friends disappeared on safari.
Yeah, I'm sure they'll turn up.
JOHN: What was the original profession of the writer Sir Arthur Conan Doyle? Trick question! He was a character invented by Sherlock Holmes! BOTH: Doctor.
- Doctor.
- JOHN: Yes.
HAROON: This game is rigged against me! Never once a question about Pakistan or old coins! [PHONE BEEPS.]
Oh, uh, I should go.
My car's here.
Your visit was transformative.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry for what my brother did.
It's not a reflection on our family or how we treat women.
Please consider following me on Instagram.
I think I will.
Thanks for bringing my stuff.
- Hey! - HAROON: Kenya! Is Ainsley doing okay? "Okay"? Of course she's not okay.
She got left at the altar and has no idea why.
Why haven't you called her? I'm probably the last person she wants to talk to right now.
That's bullshit.
You're being a coward, and she deserves better than that.
HAROON: The rings of Jupiter.
BOTH: Saturn! [LIGHT MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Ainsley.
- That's right.
- The bitch is back.
- Oh, honey.
I've been so worried about you.
I was almost certain you'd kill yourself.
Oh, well, thank you, Tony, but I'm okay.
- How are things around here? - Um It has been a nightmare without you.
Tony 2 makes us start at 10:00 and work until 5:00.
Those would be the store hours.
Why don't you dust the decorative birds? Are you sure it's not too soon for you to be coming back? Mm.
Mm, I know myself.
The best thing for me to do is to just forget about Kash and weddings and work.
Hmm.
[DOOR BELL JINGLES.]
Hi, welcome to Ainsley Howard Designs.
I'm Ainsley Howard.
How can we help you? Oh, we just got married and would love for you to decorate our new home.
We want it to be as beautiful as the love we share.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
FEMALE CUSTOMER: [MOANS.]
Let's get started.
[ANIMATED MUSIC.]
Hey, Julia.
Wow, the National Gallery.
And who knew they had so much great art? I wanted to pick a public place where you couldn't make a scene and Westminster Abbey was closed.
They're doing another Churchill movie.
Well, I'll try to be quiet, but American talking is British screaming.
[SHUSHES.]
Sorry.
When I contacted you a year ago, it was to get medical information.
If you wanted to be a father so badly, you could have tried when I was pregnant five years ago.
I didn't know you were pregnant.
You just left a message saying we needed to talk.
Which you ignored.
Because I thought you wanted to talk about us dating, and I wasn't ready for commitment.
A child is the ultimate commitment, you twat.
And I don't need you breaking her heart when you realize that being a parent is more than just kicking a football back and forth.
What's this? It's a document saying that you agree to give up all your parental rights.
I want it signed by Monday.
Wow.
You went to a lawyer and everything.
I am a lawyer.
A very good lawyer.
Monday.
- Wow.
- [SHUSHES.]
You shush.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
- Darling.
- Hmm? I was wondering, tonight maybe we could watch a bit of the snooker and maybe You could stay sober and drive me home from the club.
No, I'm going to game night.
I thought maybe you could come too? Oh, no, I'd rather die.
Thank you, though.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, this table's lovely.
Oh, but the sharp corners I just worry if we have a baby But that's a long way off.
[LAUGHS.]
What? I was going to wait until tonight to tell you.
We're having a baby? Yeah! - Do you have any champagne? - Sure.
Let me get some.
[LAUGHS.]
[QUIET INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
TONY 2: Congratulations, again.
BOTH: Thank you.
[DOOR BELL JINGLES.]
[SOFT SENTIMENTAL MUSIC.]
Every time a relationship has ended, I've always known why: mooch, possessive, kisses his mom on the lips, is Russell Brand.
But with Kash, I don't know why.
And I loved him so much.
Mm-hmm.
- What do you mean "mm-hmm"? - I'm agreeing with you.
No, that's the "mm-hmm" you give me when I ask if I would look good with bangs, which I would, by the way.
Mm-hmm.
Listen, when I was 14, I fell madly in love with George Michael, knew everything about him.
Likes: cross earrings, dislikes: famine in Africa.
In my mind, we were one.
Okay, what does this have to do with me and Kash? I'm afraid you knew your fiancé less than I knew George Michael, whom I never met.
Excuse me, we were soul mates.
Okay, so, what did you get him for his birthday? Whiskey stones and an iPad.
Oh, my God, such a great gift.
- Yeah.
- If he were your stepfather.
Tell me tell me what you liked about him.
[SIGHS.]
The sex was great, he's charming, he's smart I liked the way he dressed.
Maybe the things I love about him transcended words.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
BASHEER: Hey, yo, Kash! Kash! Yo, my brother! Come here, man.
- Basheer.
- Yeah.
- KASH: How's it going, man? - I heard you was back in our ends.
It's been ages, man.
Yeah, temporarily.
Yeah, I'm staying with my dad.
Yes, of course.
I heard about the wedding.
I'm very sorry about that.
Literally everyone's been talking about it, though.
You need to know that, yeah? Not that I have any confirmed details, of course, 'cause it's not like you invited me or any of the old crew, so Oh, right, yeah.
I'm I'm sorry about that, man.
I guess you're not going on the honeymoon then.
No, just staying at home every night with my dad.
That's great news.
I'll tell you why.
That means you're free to come to my house party tonight.
- Uh - Listen, it's a real "who's who" of Hounslow.
- Especially now you're coming.
- I don't know, man.
I'm I'm not really in the mood to go to a party tonight.
Listen, I understand.
You're emotional, but this ain't no normal house party, brother.
This is DJ Foreplay's farewell tour.
Right, yeah, DJ Foreplay.
What was it? "He gets you hot and bothered before the main event.
" - So I'll see you there? - No, probably not, man.
- I'll see you there.
- No, I don't think so.
- Kash, I'ma see you there! - Later, Bash.
- Good to see you, man.
- Kash, you're coming.
- KASH: Yeah.
- [EXCLAIMS.]
[CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC.]
[PHONE BEEPS.]
- - - [MESSAGE BLEEPS.]
- - [MESSAGE BLEEPS.]
- Fuck.
- I need to talk to you.
- Oh, my God! I'm naked.
Well, if you don't want me to see you naked, don't take a bath in my tub.
But we don't have tubs at Peath and they make the teachers use the boys' showers and showerheads are so low that I have to sit on a stool.
ZARA: Look, I need to know something.
In college, did Craig and Maya ever have a thing? What? No.
I'm the one that uh, that knows Craig better than anyone, and there has never been anything with Maya.
I don't know.
They've been friends forever and have great chemistry.
Actually, I have better chemistry with her.
When we banter, people are like, "What? Is this the Gilmore Girls?" Well, something dodgy's going on.
Look, I found this necklace.
It's obviously for Maya.
Okay, whoa, whoa.
Let's not jump to any conclusions, okay? "M" could mean anything: Mary, Meghan, Monica Those are other women.
That doesn't make me feel better.
God, Duffy.
Why don't you just ask him? Because I don't want him to think I'm some type of ultra-possessive paranoid girlfriend, which, yes, obviously I am, Duffy! But who wouldn't be with all these Ms running around stealing everyone's men? Do you want me to talk to him? ZARA: No.
And don't mention the necklace.
The suds have moved.
I've seen your penis.
Oh Oh, God.
What? [INDISTINCT TV CHATTER.]
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Dad, this TV sucks.
What happened to the one I got you? I gave it to Sumro from masjid.
He's just moved from Pakistan and missed his wife, so I thought I could cheer him up.
I already gave it to a Pakistani man who misses his wife, you.
Pfft.
[GROANS.]
It may not feel like it, but in the long run, maybe this was for the best.
I know, because she wasn't Muslim, and she didn't know how to make roti.
No, no, no, because something was telling you this wasn't right.
And even though it wasn't easy, you listened.
Thanks, Dad.
And now, I have something which will really cheer you up.
- BOTH: Lagaan.
- No, Dad, no.
Look, I've watched Lagaan 700 times.
It will definitely not cheer me up.
HAROON: Ha.
Fine, I'll just watch it then.
My wife is dead.
[OPENING THEME PLAYING.]
Actually, um, I've got plans tonight.
Love you.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC.]
Uh, "binta's" not a word.
Use it in a sentence.
I've never "binta" the opera.
Just give it to her.
Okay, yeah, that's a triple word score, so she just won.
Wow, good job.
Okay, I'm gonna make a toast.
To Ainsley, who's had a terrible week.
Maybe the worst week a woman can possibly have.
Well, Joan of Arc, Marie Antoinette, basically any woman born before 1900 [LAUGHS.]
But the point is, is that we love you, and you'll get through this.
We'll help you get through this.
And Kash sucks.
ALL: Kash sucks.
- CRAIG: A fox! - DUFFY: No, no, no, no.
- Okay, wait, wait, a squirrel.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
DUFFY: How do you say they're not supposed to be words.
- CRAIG: You're the worst drawer - DUFFY: I am not! - Your hair smells woodsy.
- What? - Is that a new shampoo? - Woodsy? Oh, it's nothing.
Um, hey, can I ask you a question about Quentin? You mean my useless husband who's too lazy to attend a party that is literally across the street? Yes, what about him? What did you get him for his birthday? A paperweight.
Right, a normal, practical birthday present.
Well, I hand carved it in the shape of a pet tortoise from his boyhood in Kenya.
Oh.
I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing here.
CRAIG: So, I shouldn't sign the papers, right? Well, what does Zara think? Um, well Craig, you still haven't told her? - Look - Oh, my God.
My girlfriend is not my confidante.
My girlfriend is who I impress with fancy restaurants and make laugh with my seven jokes.
But this serious shit, this is why I have friends like you.
I mean, you need to think about this little girl.
I am.
I mean, who wouldn't want a dad who has a PlayStation in every room, huh? I don't know.
Hey, come here.
[CHEERFUL MUSIC.]
AINSLEY: It's a hat.
Oh, it's a DUFFY: It's a scythe.
AINSLEY: Rail a rail.
Are you listening? I'm saying it.
Down on the west coast, my baby, let's go That's what she said Sunshine brighter than You came! This party's kickin'! So good to see you, bro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, brother, yeah.
The iceman cometh It's my guy, the one, the only, Kashif Khan in the apartment! [IMITATING AIR HORN.]
Bam-ba-ba-ba-ba-bam-bam-bam-bam ba-bam! Ha-ha! Sorry, they thought you were gonna be a lady, innit, so [ENGINE REVVING ON VIDEO GAME.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
The iceman cometh [INDIE MUSIC.]
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Nothing.
It's just, um, Ted texted me.
He's in town, wants to see me.
- What? - Crazy, right? In no world are you ever thinking about seeing that guy again, except in The New York Times, Headline: "Asshole Resigns.
" I am obviously not going to see him.
I was just telling you, because it's so hilarious he thinks I might.
[SCOFFS.]
He did fly all the way to London.
- Maya! - It's nothing.
It's nothing.
Please don't tell anybody.
I don't wanna hear about it.
Okay, I won't.
[EXHALES.]
- [UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
- My turn, my turn, my turn.
Oh.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay.
This person is a man, uh, an adulterer, a politician, and a huge asshole.
Uh, Anthony Weiner.
ALL: Ted Spencer.
CRAIG: Nice.
AINSLEY: Ooh, this guy.
Yep.
He's a total fraud, he's a senator, and I wish he was dead, because he screwed over Maya.
ALL: Ted Spencer.
Ted Spencer, okay.
My turn.
Oh, okay, this guy sucks.
He's like a monster and a total pervert.
It's Ted.
They're all Ted, I get it.
You've made your point.
That one was Harvey Weinstein.
[SIGHS.]
As Ainsley has apparently told you, Ted is in London.
And guess what.
I'm going to see him tomorrow.
But guys, I'm not getting back together with him, okay? I am just going so I can end it forever and get some closure.
BOTH: Boo! CRAIG: Closure isn't real.
It was something women invented to pester the men who dumped them.
I think Maya should give it another try.
She could be in a committed relationship thousands of miles away from here.
Wouldn't that be nice? Maya, you're an amazing catch.
You don't need him.
She knows that, Craig.
She doesn't need her male platonic friend telling her that.
Enough! I am going to see Ted.
I am an adult, okay? Please respect my decision.
DUFFY: Maya.
- CRAIG: Maya.
- Maya, come on.
It was Ainsley's idea! I'm so sorry.
And the place is hot Nice.
You went to Disneyland Paris.
I didn't just go to Disneyland Paris.
I met Lumière, Le Cars, Goofy was there as well.
Can you believe that? It was a sick day, you know.
Ha! Cool, uh, I should probably head out.
You know, I didn't bring you here to see all that, now did I? I brought you here to see this.
So, my mum's cleaning out my old bedroom.
She's turning it into a Zumba studio or some shit like that she found this.
Are you ready? I hope you're ready, brother.
- 'Ello, my boys.
- 'Ello.
BOY: You seem a bit down and out, mate.
YOUNG KASH: I suppose.
What's the problem, then? That, my friend, is Oliver Twist at the Hounslow.
- And I haven't eaten a thing.
- Seven days? What were we, like, 12 years old there or something? We were 10.
I'm Oliver.
Oliver Twist.
You were amazing.
I always thought you were gonna be an actor, you know? Nearly did.
I did a lot of theater at Cambridge, but after graduation, I had to get a proper job.
BASHEER: Yeah, I feel you.
That's why I work at a cell phone store, even though my passion is DJing.
Speaking of, are you happy with your plan, man? Oh, not the time, huh? - Not the time.
- [APPLAUSE.]
[GASPS.]
I cannot believe you dressed up for him.
- I didn't.
- You're wearing a padded bra.
- No, I'm not.
- Let me honk your boob.
Okay.
Okay, fine.
Why is it so bad I look hot when I tell Ted to go to hell? Because you're not going to.
You're just giving him the opportunity to talk his way back into your life.
Look, I know you don't trust me, but I need to sort this out with him before I go back to D.
C.
Well, here's an idea.
Don't go back to D.
C.
Stay here and try to figure out your life without him.
Ainsley, come on.
That's crazy.
Is it? You love London, all our friends are here, maybe you could meet somebody new.
There are still a couple minor royals you can marry.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
[SOMBER PIANO MUSIC.]
Oh, my God, Liz.
Yeah, my husband couldn't make it.
What are you doing here? Ted and I are on a "let's save our marriage" European vacation, which I thought was going well until I caught him texting with you.
Hey, gal pals.
I'm Stephen.
I'll be helping you ladies out.
Have you had a chance to take a peek at the menu? Just a bottle of wine.
We don't care what kind.
Ooh, liquid lunch.
Well, I'm sure it's wine o'clock somewhere, right? Listen, I am so sorry.
You need to know the only reason I came here was to end it for good.
You're not dressed like you were here to end it.
Nice padded bra, by the way.
I didn't mean to fall in love with your husband.
No.
You're not the victim here.
Which of you gals would like to taste the wine? No, "gal", just get out of here.
Ted and I are making it work until my youngest turns 18, and then I'm divorcing him, taking all of his money, and doing a Grace and Frankie with my friend.
But until then, I am staying in this marriage, and I will not have my children embarrassed again.
Yes, of course, I will call him and end it No, do not call him, do not text, do not meet for coffee to "get closure", just disappear.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
I'm really sorry.
Look, I know this is more his fault than yours, so let me give you a piece of advice.
Don't fuck another woman's husband.
And don't build your life around a man.
[TENSE BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Oh, my God.
[EXHALES HEAVILY.]
[TENDER MUSIC.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I know I should have come sooner.
Before you give me some bullshit apology, I should warn you, one of my Texas relatives gave us a gun as a wedding present.
I'm not here to apologize.
I'm here to explain why, and if the explanation sucks, you can shoot me.
Fine.
I called off the wedding, because the person you were marrying was a lie.
Okay, I'm getting my gun.
Wait, wait, wait! Look, my whole life I've been trying to be something I'm not.
I was embarrassed of who I was and where I was from.
So I thought, "Who else can I be?" And what I landed on was this.
An asshole.
Yeah, kind of.
I went to university and dropped all of my mates and pretended I had an interest in municipal bonds and got engaged to a beautiful, funny American girl, who I didn't believe would have been interested in the first guy.
And the point is, I'm a massive fraud.
And I'm incredibly sorry I didn't figure this out until the day of our wedding, but I hope you can see that none of this was your fault.
You know, I've been waiting all week to hear why you decided to blow up our perfect relationship, but it wasn't perfect.
I didn't really know you, and the disturbing thing is, I didn't care.
Because I liked that fake guy you described, and I wanted to marry him.
Before you go This is yours.
- Ains, I'm really sorry.
- You should be.
[FIX YOU PLAYING.]
When you try your best But you don't succeed When you get what you want But not what you need I just spoke to Ainsley.
You were right.
I owed her an explanation, and to be honest Yeah, to Ainsley not me.
Stuck in reverse Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try To fix you Hey, hey, I made nachos.
Fully loaded, queso, 'peños.
You want some? Yeah.
[SHATTERS.]
Do you have a thing for Maya? What? No! Then why did you buy her a necklace with an M on it? That wasn't for her.
How do you know about that? I-I went through your stuff.
I wanted to know your clothing sizes for future birthdays.
Dude, your feelings for Maya are making you crazy.
I'm not crazy! You've been pining after her for a decade.
You gotta grow up.
We both do.
You're right.
What am I doing? I-I just have to let this go.
Yes.
That's my boy.
Then maybe Maya will find her way back to me No! Stop! I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Hey, Tabby, you got a minute? Hey, I just wanted to know if your offer to see Angels in America was still on the table.
Oh, they canceled it after opening night.
The administration decided it wasn't appropriate for a 13-year-old to play Roy Cohn.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Well, would you still like to get a drink with me sometime? Oh, no, I've actually gotten a really serious boyfriend since I saw you last.
Ah, no, I see.
I'm sorry.
I'm so stupid.
I just [SPEAKING FRENCH.]
[SPEAKING FRENCH.]
So it's a date? [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Julia, this won't take long.
Molly is my daughter too, okay? - I knew I shouldn't have come.
- No, hold up, hold up.
Now, I know I wasn't supposed to meet her, but I did.
And honestly, I think I could be a great dad.
I tell boring stories, I love golf, I use Rogaine.
- But this isn't about you.
- Exactly.
It is about Molly, which is why I signed these.
As a lawyer, I'm surprised.
But as a mum, thank you.
Also, I, uh, I got her this.
You don't have to give it to her, but it doesn't look good on me.
Craig, you're a dead man.
- I knew you were cheating! - Zara, Zara, calm down.
- I am not cheating on you.
- I knew it! - I should leave.
- Yeah, you better walk, you home-wrecker.
Is that what you want, a classy woman with a fancy job who probably never got fired from Topshop for abusing her discount? No, that's not what I want.
I can't believe you would do this to me on my birthday.
It's not your birthday.
It is my birthday month! You should be ashamed of yourself! Zara, I am not having an affair.
I have a daughter.
She's your daughter? But she's so old.
Why didn't you tell me? I didn't want to just drop this whole thing on you.
I wanted to have it figured out first.
We're supposed to figure out things together.
We're a team, Craig.
We're Zara and Craig.
Zraig, Craig.
Zraig.
We are Zraig.
I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you.
And all this week I was thinking you were cheating on me with Maya.
- No.
- The way you two were sneaking around No, I just wanted to get her opinion on what I should do, and why does everyone think I'm cheating with Maya? It feels racial.
Wait.
So you told Maya before you told me? Zara, don't be upset.
Don't you tell your girlfriends everything before you tell me? No.
No, I don't.
I tell everything to you first because I trust you the most.
I'm sorry.
I just didn't think you'd understand.
Wouldn't understand? Craig, if I'm not someone you come to when you've got a problem, what am I to you just some fit bird with fake tits and a tight ass and perfect teeth who laughs at your five jokes? You think it's only five? We don't have a real relationship, Craig.
[BUSKER PLAYING NA KING COLE'S AROUND THE WORLD.]
BUSKER: Around the world I've searched for you MAYA: Dear Ted, your wife told me not to contact you, but there are some things I need to say.
BUSKER: To keep a rendezvous MAYA: Five years ago, my friends moved to London, but I stayed behind to work for a handsome, idealistic congressman.
I told myself I stayed for my career, but the truth is I stayed for you.
I wish I could blame you, but that was my choice, and I have to take responsibility for it.
MAYA: One thing I will not do is waste any more time living your life instead of mine.
Maya.
BUSKER: Or gay Paris Or even London Town The moment I go Bye, Ted.
BUSKER: Around the world Oi! Why are you throwing rubbish in the river? Oh, sorry.
Of course.
American.
You know, just because we don't have guns doesn't mean we're not still cops.
Sorry.
[AROUND THE WORLD PLAYING.]
Around the world I've searched for you I traveled on when hope was gone To keep a rendezvous So I think you'll find every thank-you note there, from Abramson to Zuckerberg-Chan.
Oh.
Gemma.
Oh, my this is this is truly amazing.
Oh, my God, you're such a good friend.
Thank you.
Do these smell like scotch? No.
No, it's probably just, um - [SNIFFS.]
The glue.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Hey.
- AINSLEY: Hey! So you know you had that stupid idea that I should stay in London? I think - I think I'm gonna do it.
- Are you serious? MAYA: Yeah, I know I don't have a job, and I brought, like, three pairs of underwear, but I was walking home tonight, and I just I just had this feeling that this is where I'm supposed to be.
It is! It is! I've been feeling the same way! This is crazy.
I'm moving to London! Are you quite sure? - We need champagne.
- MAYA: Yes.
We have to celebrate.
Oh, my God, come on.
GEMMA: You know, London isn't what it once was.
[GRUNTS.]
Brexit.
The traffic at Wimbledon.
There's too many cobblestones.
You'll sprain an ankle.
You have to ask for water at restaurants.
People are really into pub trivia! You know where is a great place to get a fresh start? Brazil! It might have been In County Down Or in New York, in gay Paris Or even London Town No more will I Go all around the world For I have found My world In you MAN: Go to bed.