Frasier s01e14 Episode Script

Can't Buy Me Love

He calls himself a quarterback? I've passed kidney stones more accurately.
Roz, could you get my briefcase? I left it in the studio.
Why don't you go get it? He always humiliates me on the air.
What do you think he does to me? Last week, he introduced me as Martina Navratilova's girlfriend.
Chuck, I'm sorry I offended you.
Now, why don't you put your skirt back on and do some dishes? The lines are open.
How about some real men calling in instead of crybabies like Chuck? Ah! Look who just crawled in: Dr Frasier Crane.
And you know what we do when we get a house call from the doctor.
(ltalian accent) 'Drop your pants, bend over.
I take your temperature.
' Hello, Bulldog.
Who's your pick for the Giants/Saints game this weekend? - The Giants.
- No.
- The Saints.
- No.
- Somebody has to win.
- If they were playing this weekend! (Donkey brays) Very funny.
You should play it on my show.
It deserves to be heard by a larger audience.
Hee-haw! Hee-haw! (Doorbell) Hello, Dr Crane.
- I brought this for dinner.
- Hey, Niles.
You're early.
I put Maris on the train to Chicago.
I am desolate without her.
Champagne? It goes with all occasions.
- Can I assist you in the kitchen? - No, I have everything well in hand.
Ah, well, lucky everything.
Mmm Uh-uh Uh-uh - What would you do? - Take that corn nut off the board.
That's my bishop.
Eddie ate the real one.
In that case, corn nut to rook 7.
Hello, all.
Your brother brought champagne! Oh, Maris left for Chicago already? She's riding the rails as we speak.
Why doesn't she fly instead? She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Did her plane almost crash? No, she was bumped from first class.
She still wakes up screaming.
- Frasier, I got a favour to ask you.
- What is it? A buddy of mine is running the Widows and Orphans Fund benefit, and he needs some local celebrities for his bachelor auction.
If we could get somebody really famous from the radio station - I'd be delighted to help.
- So you'll ask Bulldog? - Bulldog? - Oh, well, you know I Well, I mean Don't get me wrong, I was going to ask you, too.
- I was just saving the best for last.
- Uh-huh.
If he back-pedals any faster, he'll trip over his walker.
All right, I'll do it.
I really appreciate it.
- You won't forget to ask Bulldog? - I'll leave a note on his hydrant.
Oh, a bachelor auction.
It'd be fun to pick a man off the block to do my bidding and fulfil my every desire.
- Doctor Crane? - I'd love to.
I mean I Uh Frasier? What if no one bids? What if you're left standing there with flop sweat trickling down your back amidst a great gaping silence? - It'll never happen.
- Thank you, Dad.
Yeah, we got a band.
(Auctioneer) Our next bachelor on the block is public TV's own cute and cuddly Mr Science! (Women cheer and yell) God, the oestrogen level is off the charts out there.
Yeah, isn't it great! Deep down, chicks are just like guys - we all want the same thing.
Frasier Crane does not put out.
All they're getting is a gourmet meal - and a handshake at the door.
- Boring! My date gets a stretch limo, dinner, floor seats at the Sonics game, and these incredible buns of steel.
Feel them, Doc.
C'mon, feel them! Thank you, no.
(Women shout) Ladies, keep your articles of clothing off the stage.
Show these women celebrity beefcake and they go nutso! Typical mob mentality.
I hope the fire exits are clearly marked.
Relax, will you? You're not the one jumping into the Rottweiler pit carrying a pork chop.
Hey, That's T.
Smith he's a linebacker for the Seahawks! They call him "The Enforcer".
He's put two quarterbacks in hospital.
, Marty Crane! - Number 19? - Please don't make me go out there.
Oh You'll be fine.
Just go on out there and have a good time.
(Women scream and yell) They're gonna have him for breakfast.
(Door opens.
Women scream and yell) How was it? They're like sharks in a feeding frenzy.
The one who bought me looked crazed.
Where do I pay? - Roz! - I saw what I wanted and I went after it.
Stay! Number 20? - That's me.
- I really appreciate this.
Having somebody like you in the auction really adds class.
If the bidding gets slow, drop a quarter and take a couple of minutes to pick it up, huh? (Auctioneer) Sold! To that determined lady in the back row for $500! (Women cheer) - So, Doc, who bought you? - No idea.
The last thing I remember is someone shouting out: "Shake your money maker!" - Number 21.
- Ladies, start your engines! (Women cheer) Doctor Crane? Kristina Harper.
I just bought you.
You bought me? Yeah.
I listen to your show.
I'm a big fan of yours.
Well, how wonderful.
You bought me for $500.
That's a lot of money.
I did a layout for "Seattle Style".
- Are you a photographer? - No, I'm a model.
A model! How wonderful! For you How about Friday? OK.
I live at the Elliot Bay Towers.
Around seven? - Sounds great.
See you then.
- Bye.
That's my new owner.
She's a model.
No kidding.
She almost put my eye out.
You're back quick.
I was one of the last guys.
The money was running low.
But there was still one rawhide chew-toy out there for the Bulldog.
I got to take a squirt.
When I come back, we'll play fetch.
My God! Daphne, why? Things were slow, so your father asked me to shill.
I opened at $100.
Who knew that would be the only bid? (Doorbell) Whoosh! Kristina.
Sorry I'm late but I got a call for a job.
You're here now.
No, the job's tonight, but we could have dinner later.
All right.
I hope you didn't go to too much trouble.
Oh, no! - You rented a restaurant trolley.
- No, I own it.
You don't have one? One more thing.
My friend Sandy got called in on the same job and she was supposed to look after my daughter.
Don't tell me you want me to baby-sit.
Sandy will take her when I get back and that'll leave just the two of us.
Kristina, I'm not really sure if I can - I'll make points for this, won't I? - A ton.
Bring the darling in.
- This is my daughter Renata.
- Hello.
She's shy at first.
(Bell) Oh, there's the elevator.
See you later.
Well, come on in.
Have a seat.
Can I get you, uh a soft drink? Goose liver paté? "Renata" that's a pretty name.
It must have Can I use your phone? We're spending the evening together.
Let's make the best of it.
I may surprise you.
I probably am more "with it" than you think I am.
The phone's right there.
No way! No way! That is so fresh.
No way! No way! No way! Hold on, there's another call.
Hello? (lrritated) He'll call you back.
- No way! - Who was that? I don't know.
No way! - Another call's coming in.
- I'll take this one.
Hello? It's for you.
Hello? Hey, Tiffany.
Tiffany! You just spoke to Tiffany! That was Tiffany Schwartz.
This is Tiffany Martinez.
I celebrate the ethnic mosaic that is America, but nonetheless What's your damage? You've been on the phone for 11/2 hours.
You haven't spoken to me except to ask for more Cheetos! They're coming, Eddie! I'm supposed to be happy I'm here? Her fabulousness dumps me here with a total stranger who could be a perv.
I'm not thrilled about it either.
And I am not a perv.
You don't get it.
She's always doing this.
She's a flake.
Flake or not, you are in my charge.
You should have something nutritious.
Now, how about seafood crepes? Lobster Newburg? Corndog dipped in curare? - Have you got any raw cookie dough? - Even more lethal.
Let's see.
You wouldn't have gotten anywhere with this gourmet meal routine.
She eats nothing.
She's a total diet freak.
And she only talks about herself.
- You don't care much for your mother? - Well, duh (!) I hate to think that when my son's your age, he'll think of me as a - Dweeb? - Thank you.
Brace yourself.
Oh, well, look what we have here.
Will one tube suffice? - Cool.
- Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Renata, you know I am a psychiatrist.
And if you're having problems with your mother, I'd be glad to listen.
You want me to tell you my problems like those gomers on your show? - Like you care (!) - I do care about the gomers.
- I even care about you.
- Don't make me hurl.
- She tells people I'm younger.
- Why do you think she does that? So they won't know how old SHE is.
- I've been nine for three years.
- Really? Once she promised to take me ice-skating.
On the way there, she saw a tattoo parlour.
She left me outside to get a butterfly tattooed on her shoulder.
- She forgot I was out there.
- How old were you? That was the FIRST time I was nine.
What does your father say about this? Tony? He's on the road with Whitesnake all the time.
- Is that a musical group or a pet? - It's his new wife.
I was apprehensive about going out with you tonight, but I'm having a jolly time unless it's the champagne getting to me.
I have had quite a bit, haven't I? Oh, who cares? That's the beauty of being in a limo unless the driver's drinking.
You're not drinking, are you? He's not drinking.
(Klaxon honks) - Let's drink to the driver not drinking! - Man, you're really looped Great! (Car horn blares) It certainly is taking a long time getting out of this parking lot.
Did I say this was my first basketball game? I did, four times.
I still can't get over those players.
They're positively gigantic.
Not that being tall is the only measure of a man but it's a bloody good one! Oh, dear, I just insulted you, didn't I? Sorry.
Oh, well, you can take it.
You're a tough little nut.
Oh, dear This is not good, not good at all.
- You don't like the champagne? - No, I can see the bottom of my glass! Well, bottoms up! You are a naughty boy.
Don't go getting any ideas.
Oh, look who I'm saying this to.
You don't have an idea in your head.
Oh! I did it again.
I insulted you.
Let's drink to that.
Boom! (Car horn blares) Now, that is downright rude! Hey, you there! You in the Firebird! Yes, you, stop that honking! (Car horn blares) Just because you look stupid doesn't mean you have to act stupid! Don't aggravate him! Tosh! Civilisation won't progress unless someone points out when people's manners are remiss.
- (Man) Move it! - Oh, shut your bloody cakehole! Don't do that! He's getting out of his car now.
- Ooh, he's a tall one, too.
- Roll up your window! He won't hurt a woman.
- Just roll it up! - Oh! Let him go! - (Shouts) Let him go, you big ugly oaf! - Shut up! (Thumping) Oh Well, we're moving.
Thank you, Pit Bull! I had a lovely time! You know, this cookie dough is not that bad.
Of course, I'm sure later I'll be hurling, but, well (Doorbell) - Her fabulousness.
Want that dough? - I'd better not.
If I gain an ounce, she goes ballistic.
She makes me weigh in every morning.
- You poor thing.
- I'm used to it.
Hi, I'm back.
Renata, honey Sandy's waiting downstairs in the car.
Renata? I must say, I had a rather enjoyable evening.
You don't get out much, do you? I think she likes me.
Thank you for helping me out.
Now roll out that trolley.
I'm starved.
You know I don't think so.
Spend the evening with your daughter.
But I thought we had a date.
When we first met, I was attracted by your remarkable beauty, but now that I know a bit more about you, suddenly you don't look so good, sister.
Excuse me? You don't leave your daughter on some street corner while you're getting tattooed, or keep her in some never-never land where everyone is nine forever! Renata told you that? Yes, she also told me about the time you left her with the coat-check girl.
What kind of mother are you? Did it occur to you she might be lying? Cos this is the first night I've been out in a year.
John and Marianne never take her, her father and his new wife.
- Who are Tony and Whitesnake? - Our two dogs.
Most nights, I stay home and I help her with her homework.
Except last Saturday, when I took her and her 12 friends ice-skating.
I don't suppose that during that party you got your shoulder tattooed? Do you see anything there, hmm? No.
But then, my eyes are tearing up.
- But why would she lie? - Because she's 12 and mad at me.
I wouldn't let her stay home alone.
I probably would have been better off if I had! Some shrink you are (!) Child development is not my thing.
My specialty is adult relations.
You won't be having any of those tonight.
Don't go! Oh, by the way, I only have one kidney.
Guess who has the other? Is the coast clear? Where's the supermodel? She left.
I was afraid I might walk in on an embarrassing moment.
- You would have, half an hour ago.
- What are you doing still up? I was just wondering if my sweet boy is going to be a monster when he's 12.
What the hell brought that up? It's a long story.
Do you really want to hear it? Well, it is getting late All kids start out cute, then somewhere along the way, they get into that know-it-all stage.
- You think they'll never grow out of it.
- Eventually they do.
I'm still hoping.
(Phone) Hello? Oh, Daphne.
How was your evening? No way! # Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Oh, my! # And maybe I seen a bit confused Well, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Good night, Seattle, we love you!