Frasier s01e21 Episode Script

Travels with Martin

Oh, look, Roz, my brochures are here! Oh, God, very exciting! Vacation! The Golden Door Spa! Look at those accommodations.
That is nice! I'll leave Dad to fend for himself, while I spend an obscene amount being pampered like a child.
What else are vacations for? What are you doing for your week off? Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland to stay in the hovel where her mother was born.
Just write the words "bad son" on my forehead! You deserve to pamper yourself.
After all, you do work three hours a day.
I'm sorry, that one even surprised me.
When I think of the relationship I have with my dad, I envy the relationship you have with your mother.
It didn't just happen.
We work at it.
We spend time together.
Dad lives with me.
How much more time together could we spend? Day-to-day living is different.
There is nothing better than taking a trip together.
You get to relax.
You get to see a different side of him.
In his entire life, my dad has never been to Europe.
It would be a way of connecting with him if I gave him that.
What would you charge me to take him to Ireland with you? (Moaning) I should have known this would happen.
I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris's luggage.
- Why didn't you hire a skycap? - We did for most of it.
She won't trust strangers with her make-up case, ever since a porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta.
On the up side, the calfskin lining was never more soft and supple.
Where did Mrs Crane go? (Groaning) She's making her annual pilgrimage to the holy land.
Thought she was in Dallas, at her sister's.
That is her holy land.
The site of the first Nieman Marcus.
(Niles groans) - Oh, Dr Crane! - Oh, call me Niles! Thank you, Daphne.
Dad, I have a really exciting idea.
I want to take you on vacation! - Why? - I thought an adventure might give us a chance to have fun, get reacquainted, even do a little bonding.
- What did you have in mind? - It's not about where I want to go.
It's about where YOU want to go.
Dad, I give you the world.
The Gallie-pagos Islands, huh? Where iguanas, sea lions and giant tortoises live in eternal harmony.
Is it important they get along? No, I suppose not.
Oh, how about this? India and Nepal! "Trek the foothills of the Himalayas.
" - You're forgetting my old pal.
- No problem.
Frasier can hire a Sherpa to carry you on his back.
They don't mind.
We haven't struck the right chord yet, but we will.
- You suggest something.
- You really want to go with me? Yes, I do.
I'll go anywhere you want to! - OK! - I may not be as sophisticated as you, but I'd like to see America first.
Great! We'll see America! - And I want to see it in a Winnebago.
- A Winnebago! - That has a real ring to it! - Your mother and I dreamed about it.
Then that is the trip we're going to take.
- You really mean it? - Absolutely.
- This calls for a celebration.
- Let's pop open a couple of beers.
I think I got a bag of pork rinds in here, too.
Ah, the final touch! I almost feel like I'm in a trailer park already! Oh, Winnebago boy! Hang beach chairs on the back, and give it a name like "The Whoopin' Cranes"! When I agreed to see America with Dad, I thought it'd be five-star resorts.
By "together" I meant adjoining suites! - Tell him it's a bad idea.
- I can't.
He counts on it.
He was going to go with Mom.
Yes, but she lucked out and died! Niles, listen.
If Dad and I get into a Winnebago, only one of us will come out alive.
- You've got to come too.
- You're my brother.
You're entitled to my bone marrow and a kidney, but this is an imposition.
You got to come with us.
Frasier and I have nothing to talk about.
I feel more comfortable with somebody else around.
- Why did you suggest it? - It sounded good when I said it.
But thinking about it Can you see me and Frasier together all day, then crawling into bunks at night, lying head to head in the dark, bonding? I'll pay you.
I got pension money.
I remember a car trip when I was nine.
We drove from Seattle to Spokane.
All he said to me was, "I think we got a problem with your brother Frasier.
" Those were awful, those driving vacations.
Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible, the two of us tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car-sickness bags, straining to see something as the landscape whizzed by.
I was 13 before I realised cows aren't blurry.
- Just tell him you don't want to go.
- I don't want to disappoint him.
I don't want to disappoint him.
I'm sorry, Frasier.
I am not a Winnebago person.
When I see one, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that explains why in God's name he wants to do this.
All I see is a death stare under a hat made of Miller Lite cans.
This is my final word: I'm not going.
- Daphne's coming too! - And so am I! (Dad) It's everything I hoped, only better! It's like sitting in your lounge, watching TV, except it isn't TV, it's America! Yes, Dad, it's the ultimate in reality programming - actual reality.
We got a turn-off in five miles, so start slowing down.
- I know.
- How does it feel behind that wheel? Manly.
This is mine and it's big! (Toilet flushes) God, it's like being sealed upright in a Formica coffin! When they were kids, all they had in the back seat was a mayonnaise jar.
It took quite a bit of skill to use it successfully at 70 miles an hour.
Never been fond of mayonnaise since.
Or speed bumps.
Turn-off's coming up in four miles.
Get ready.
You're OK on the right.
It's never too early to move over.
Dad, I was wondering what inspired you to choose that uniquely American man-made wonder, Mount Rushmore? It's obvious.
We got a week off, right? That's as far as we can go in 31/2 days.
We get there, get out, walk around, drive back.
Boom! Another fine landmark under our belts.
You've certainly got this well planned.
When I take a holiday, I just grab a change of knickers and see where the wind takes me.
Niles! What Daphne's saying is what we should really be doing.
- What are you talking about? - Why be so beholden to schedules? We Americans are enchanted with the romance of the open highway.
Jack Kerouac went "On The Road".
Buzz and Todd got their kicks on Route 66.
The adventure is in the journey.
We should just ramble.
Doggone it, I'm inspired! I'm going to put on a baseball cap.
- You'll miss the turn-off! - So? - We'll get lost! - We're in a house on wheels! - We're always home! - It's coming up! Turn here! (Shouts) This is it! Turn! Turn here! - We missed it! - Dad, we didn't miss anything! Oh, my God! We're now on the road less travelled.
From now on, we dance to the rhythm of the road.
There must be an access road back onto that turn-off.
Where is it? Where is it? Oh, it's always in the crack! So is life, Dad.
I was anxious, but I'm starting to like this free spirit stuff.
Dad, there's an historical marker up ahead.
Let's stop.
- Driving wherever you feel like it.
- It's educational.
There! There! (Both) There! There! - What did it say? - No idea.
The only word I saw was "legendary".
Look, a roadside stand.
Fresh fruit, home-made cider! - (Both) Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! - Oh! You're missing the freewheeling concept.
We go where the wind blows us.
It's blowing, we're going.
Why are you moaning? You're obsessed with covering distance.
- It's the way I relax.
Hey, watch it! I got my kids in the car! Whoa! Your "relaxing" seems like an obsession.
Don't you think so, Niles? Niles, what are you doing? Making a vacation video we can look at over and over and over again.
You guys want to stop so bad, we'll stop.
See that sign? "Have your picture taken with a live grizzly.
Souvenirs one mile.
" I always wanted my picture taken with a bear.
Some dreams cannot be denied.
OK, Dad, you're good on my side.
It's never too early to change lane.
Oh, my God! It must be genetic.
Get your dog away from my bear.
I just had him cleaned.
He's stuffed.
- Your sign said a "live" bear.
- It's an old sign.
Look at that view! It's like we're really there! If we were, we'd be whizzing by it at 50 mph.
It's the gourmet food department.
- Home-made deer jerky! - "No sampling.
" - No problem.
- Would you take our picture, please? Niles, Frasier, come on up here.
Here we go.
Everybody ready? - Now, what should we do? - How about this? That's great! I like that.
OK, everybody.
- Eddie! - You know it's $10 Canadian.
- For a treasured memory, what's money? - OK.
One - Why Canadian dollars? Because we're in Canada.
(Screams) We're in Canada? We crossed the border a while ago.
You were taking a nap.
But I can't be in Canada! I'm not allowed to leave the States.
- Why? - I don't have me green card yet! Oh, this is just perfect! Three months till me final interview.
The one thing they told me was not to leave the country.
And the first time I fall asleep, you drag me across the border! - They won't let me back in! - They have to.
It's not your fault.
If only you hadn't been so hell-bent on driving far! You had to go where the wind blows! (Heated argument) (Blows duck call) Never mind whose fault it is.
I'm stuck here.
What am I going to do? We'll explain to the authorities.
I'm sure this happens all the time.
- Get real.
They got rules.
- Then what's your solution? - We'll sneak her across the border.
- That's called smuggling.
Thanks, Niles! I knew it was something bad guys did.
I didn't know the technical term.
You, a former policeman, suggest we commit a felony? I've crossed this border plenty.
Most of the time the guards wave you through.
- Let's get out of here.
- What if they pull us over? Daphne has to convince them she's American.
It beats having me bum bounced back across the pond.
- Let's give it a bash.
- Oh, yes, this is foolproof! (Niles) I'm about to defraud the US lmmigration Department.
So is my father, my older brother.
People who should be my role models.
I'm the product of a bad environment.
If the guard asks you a question can you say anything - - in an American accent? - (American accent) Sure.
- OK, what? - You heard it.
- What? - Sure.
That's all I can say.
I need a cup of tea.
Tea? Why not wave a crumpet in the air and sing "God Save the Queen"? You're a psychiatrist.
You should be in control of your emotions.
Oh, my God, there's the border! All right.
Now calm down.
We're gonna be fine.
Remember, they'll be looking for suspicious behaviour.
Niles, that qualifies.
If the guard pokes his head in here, what will he see? (All) Four carefree Americans.
- I've never been so nervous.
- There isn't any need to be.
They're waving everybody through without any questions! Please, please! They're waving us through.
They're waving us through! They're pulling us over! They're pulling us over! (Dad) The guard.
(Daphne) I can't do this.
It's going to be fine.
Just keep your answers short.
Guilty people always talk too much.
- Hi, folks.
Enjoyed Canada? - (Frasier and Dad) Great! What was the purpose of your trip? Fun.
I see.
- Where were you born? - Seattle, Washington.
You want to know what country.
America, of course! I'm quite an American.
I always vote for the law and order guy That's fine, I don't need any more detail.
And you, miss? Enjoy Canada? Sure.
And the weather? Sure.
- Is this your vehicle? - No.
Yes, well, I rented it.
It's American-made.
I always look for that union label.
- I need your licence and registration.
- It's right here.
The registration Let me get my licence out for you.
Here we are.
Stay right here.
Well, I certainly can depend on my gang, can't I? - I'm going to be arrested! - We're all getting arrested.
But I have delicate features.
Prison will be hell for me.
Cool it, Niles.
It's too late to turn back.
I say we make a run for it.
Oh, great idea! A high-speed chase in an eight-ton motor home! An amusing anecdote for the border guard newsletter.
Shut up.
Keep babbling like this, they'll catch us for sure.
He's coming back.
Well, these check out.
We're all strictly on the up and up.
Miss, you've been very quiet.
Is there something I should know here? You seem awfully nervous.
May I have your name, please? Aw, all right.
I should have known better than to try this.
- It was wrong! - Just back off.
What is it, sir? We were trying to put one over on you.
Eddie! - We don't have a rabies certificate.
- I knew something was going on here.
We weren't planning on coming, and at the border, we forgot.
I didn't know you needed one.
But ignorance of the law is no defence, so take the little dog away and we'll be off.
If you're worried, we picked the dog up here in Canada.
I got a picture I can show you.
Here's a picture of him taken at the Seattle Space Needle.
- I see you got a badge there.
- Oh, yeah! - Are you a policeman? - Retired.
Thirty years on the Force.
I should know better.
- Absolutely.
- Definitely.
Next time, remember the rabies certificate.
Have a safe trip.
- Thanks, Officer.
- Thank you.
Drive! (Barks) Oh, they'd have returned you eventually! - How long till we get home? - Two hours.
This highway goes right into Seattle.
- Why don't you take a nap? - Oh, no, I'm OK.
- Thought maybe we'd chat a little.
- Oh, yeah, great.
I can't help it.
When we're alone, I don't know what to say.
That's why I asked Daphne to come.
I had my suspicions, but I'd hoped that wasn't the case.
Knock it off.
That's why you asked Niles.
That's why I asked him, but that's not why he came.
Well, the funny thing is we didn't have such a bad time, did we? "I see you got a badge there.
" "Oh, yeah!" - Pretty slick, huh? - Yeah.
There's no reason to cut our trip short.
We're not that far from Yellowstone.
- I always wanted to see Old Faithful.
- Me, too.
If you want a real adventure, we could drop these two off home first.
- Just the two of us, alone? - Yeah! - Just you and me, father and son? - Yeah.
Yeah, you and me, camping in Yellowstone, all alone.
All by ourselves! Well, it'd be a shame if Daphne didn't get to see those Indian paint pots.
- Of course.
- They are a real miracle of nature.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Wouldn't be fair to leave Niles alone.
- Maris out of town, that'd be cruel.
- Yeah, absolutely.
- How far is it to Yellowstone? - We'll be there tomorrow.
It'd be a nice surprise for those two when they wake up.
I got a better surprise.
Let's tell Daphne we're in Mexico! # Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Mercy # And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again Good night, Seattle, we love you.