Frasier s02e05 Episode Script

Duke's, We Hardly Knew Ye

Thank you for your call, Lorraine.
And before the commercial break, Roz has an important message.
Roz? What's that Roz? Can't come to the mic? Well, what she wanted to say was Tomorrow, on Amber Edwards' "Bookchat", sociologist Lamont Myman discusses his book, "Violence in the Workplace - Why Co-Workers Kill".
Something which becomes more and more relevant.
We'll be right back.
Open up, you piece of tin! - Roz! - What are you doing here? And you? Shouldn't you wait till after the show before exiting? - I have a little urge.
Damn it! - What is the matter? I have got to have chocolate! It's kind of a celebration.
At 11:07 am, I finished one of those magazine diets.
"Seven days to a healthier, calmer you.
" Come on, Roz! I'm doing this for your own good.
Wait! Something came out! Damn! Chocolate-covered raisins.
I'd like to meet the idiot who came up with these.
Take a grape, let it shrivel into a disgusting little wart and cover it with perfectly good chocolate.
What the hell! I'll suck the chocolate off.
Be sure to save what's left to make some wine! I see those years of finishing school paid off.
Mon frère, we're in luck.
Meadow Wood Properties still has one share left in the mini-mall.
- We should buy it.
Give me five, Bro.
- I told you I'm not interested.
It's a 12% return.
We've a chance to make a real killing.
You and Maris are wallowing in money like a couple of yuppie hogs.
This has nothing to do with Maris.
This is my money.
- And mine.
- And yours.
Show some understanding.
Maris uses her money to emasculate him.
This is his attempt to stop feeling like a financial eunuch and regain some shred of his former manhood - such as it was.
Well? - 12%? - Net.
If you're unhappy, at the end of the year I'll buy you out.
- OK, I'm in.
- Thank you, Frasier.
Thank you, Roz.
That "financial eunuch" bit was great.
Well, look what I had to work with.
Hey, check this out! 25 cents off on a pack of Butterbuds imitation butter.
My! I can taste that scampi now! Well? Daphne, very nice! - Thank you.
- Thank you.
I'd be more flattered if I didn't know how hard up you both are.
I'm going out with Derek, but I can't choose a fragrance.
I've got it pinned down to these two.
Heather: "fresh and bouncy as a spring morning".
Or Forbidden: "your passport to erotic realms of pleasure".
- How many times have you been out? - It's our third date.
So what if it's our third date? Well, sexual mores being what they are in America, the third date is usually when two healthy adults decide whether or not to - take it to the next level.
- What kind of randy custom is that? First date, second date, let's pitch our knickers! It may be the third date for you, but it takes more than three dinners to get bangers and mash with me.
- Hello, Dr Crane.
- Hello, Daphne.
- You look even lovelier than usual.
- Thank you.
Is that Forbidden? In every sense of the word.
I'll scrub my neck with unscented soap.
You Americans have an unhealthy obsession with sex.
I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal family! - Good one, Dad! - I've been saving it! Frasier, good news.
I spoke to my broker.
Meadow Wood Properties have leased Instead of 12%, they're projecting a 15% return.
Fantastic! Let's go celebrate at an exclusive boîte.
Yes, but the question is, what boîte? - Charise? - Too noisy.
- Alsace? - Too bright.
- Papillon? - Too crowded.
We've run out of boîtes.
A city this size and only three boîtes.
How do we live? - I'm going to Duke's.
How about you? - Looking for a place to eat.
Come and have a beer with me.
- At Duke's? - Yeah.
- Us? - Yeah.
- With you? - Am I speaking Swahili? Yeah! You two, at Duke's, with me, a beer, if you want! Gee! Good God, do you believe that? No.
No one in the family has ever been invited to Duke's.
Not even Mother.
Though at times she could be quite the old rummy.
Why, after 30 years, is he suddenly inviting us there? - Cheerio! - Daphne! Has Dad said anything to you about us and Duke's? - Has he been planning this? - You mean, behind your backs? - Precisely.
- No! What a couple of wallies! I have never met a family that's so uncomfortable with each other.
Could it be he just wants a pint with his sons? No.
Duke's is where Dad goes to escape the stresses and strains of everyday life.
In other words, us.
Well, you could sit here analysing why he invited you and fritter the night away, or - here's a thought - you could just go and find out for yourselves.
For a lay person, she has a way of cutting through the crap.
Oh, my God! It's a roomful of Dads! - There he is! - Oh, look at him holding court.
No wonder he likes it here.
They're hanging on his every word.
I've never seen him have such fun without a remote control.
Frasier, Niles! I'm glad you could make it.
Meet some guys I was on the force with.
Meet my boys.
This is Frasier.
He's on the radio.
This is Marty's kid, the guy on the radio! Hey, Frasier, Joe Herman, nice to meet you.
Check this out: "I'm listening.
" It's like a recording of myself.
- Dad.
- What? Oh, this is my other son, Niles.
He's a psychiatrist, too.
- He married money! - All right! Duke, I want you to meet my boys.
This is Frasier and this is Niles.
How are you? How about a couple of Duke's specials for you? - What would those be? - Boilermakers.
Shot of whisky.
Beer back.
We've been drinking those all night.
Time to switch to sherry.
Two boilermakers, please.
Marty's been telling us about you since you were kids.
- Dad! - I'll tell you, Frasier, we felt terrible when we heard your wife was screwing around.
- What was her name again? - Lilith! Hey, it was a slow night, all right? All right, everybody, settle down.
I want to make a toast.
For 30 years, Duke's has been my home away from home.
I look around and I see a lot of friends.
I'm going to miss you.
I'm going to miss this joint, too.
May there be a place in hell for those SOBs who are tearing it down to build a mini-mall! Those snivelling, rat-faced bastards from Meadow Wood Properties! To Duke's! Two more! - Did you talk to your lawyer.
- Yes.
He's examined the contract.
The general partner won't consider moving the site.
The deal's going through.
We could have Duke's declared a historical landmark.
They tore down Seattle's first Pony Express office to build it.
- Damn! - Here you go, guys.
One cappuccino, one latte and these are on me.
- This guilt is driving me crazy.
- It should.
You earn more than me.
- Duke's was his life.
- There's nothing we can do about it.
Look at it this way: we're doing Dad a service, stopping him from drinking.
And the other policemen as well.
Maybe it's a community service.
Men with guns will have one less place to liquor up.
There's always Roz's place.
What do you say about me when I'm not around? I won't feel better till I tell Dad.
Oh, no.
It's like a woman who has one crazy night and cheats on her boyfriend.
Her only reason to confess is to make herself feel better.
So the best thing she can do is to keep her mouth shut.
Unless her boyfriend walks in, because he's flown home instead of driving like he said he would, in which case, he's the liar, so why should she feel bad? Thank you, Roz, for that purely theoretical example.
I agree.
If we tell him now, it'll hurt him.
We've got to keep it quiet.
- I don't think it can be done.
- Of course it can! You can look Dad in the eye, knowing you have destroyed his sanctuary? You can live with that? You forget.
I married Lilith.
I can live with anything.
You buy into an investment group, Eddie.
You don't know.
- Dad, what are you doing up? - I reached out and Eddie wasn't there.
You need a woman, Dad.
Tell me about it.
Oh, you turned the sign on.
That was nice of Duke to give it to me.
You hold a glass of beer in front of it, it turns green.
Dad Niles and I invested in the company that's tearing down Duke's.
We tried to get out of it, but we couldn't.
Yell at me, Dad, will you? Hit me with your cane.
Just don't stand there.
Let me see if I've got this right.
In the last year, you give my chair away, you lose my dog and now you demolish my bar.
Next I'll find out you're the one who shot me in the hip! - I have an alibi for that one.
- You have one for everything.
It wasn't on purpose.
I'm part of an investment group.
You watched me and my friends get all weepy and didn't say anything.
What did you want us to say? "Fellas, here's something ironic " Why didn't you at least tell me? I don't know, I I guess Maybe it was because, when you invited me to Duke's, it felt like we were getting closer.
It was a momentous step.
- It was a beer! - Not to me.
It was validation.
Finally, I was one of the guys you wanted to hang out with.
I didn't want to spoil that.
I'd have asked you before but I just figured it was the kinda place you'd look down your nose at.
Well, you're probably right.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
- Maybe I spent too much time there.
- What do you mean? When you were growing up.
If I'd spent less time at Duke's and more with you, I wouldn't have a son who puts so much stock in one beer.
You know, I was having a pretty good time at Duke's.
Till I found I was responsible for wiping it off the face of the planet.
I liked having you there, too, son.
Thanks, Dad.
Do you mind? It's driving me crazy.
It looks like hell.
Know what? We got a few hours before the wrecking ball comes.
- How about you and I go down there? - To Duke's? - Yeah.
- Now? - Yeah.
- You and me? - Not this again! - Yeah.
All right, great.
Just you, me and Charlie Ballantine.
Meet you right back here in a minute.
Oh, good evening, Daphne.
Or should I say good morning? - How was your date with Derek? - We had a wonderful time.
We went to dinner, then to the symphony, then we took a lovely moonlight stroll through the park.
He's the perfect gentleman.
Apparently in England, it's the fourth date.
# I'll be here # In sunshine or in shadow # Oh, Danny Boy, oh, Danny Boy # I love you so # That's good.
It reminds me of old Micky Dougan.
One 4th July, we were on mounted patrol in a big parade down Broad Street.
It was a scorcher.
Must have been 100%F.
I'm sitting on a thousand pounds of hot, sweaty horse.
I must have been complaining because, as we ride by Duke's, Micky says, "If you want a beer so bad, get one!" So I ride through the front door, up to the bar and order a beer.
Duke plays it cool and says, "What'll your friend have?" I say, "Nothing, he's driving.
" - I've told you that one before, haven't I? - Yeah.
Oh, what a place! - Another beer, Dad? - Sure, why not? Sun's up.
I look around this place in the golden early morning light It's still a dump.
I'm going to miss it, though.
I know what it is to have a neighbourhood bar.
I remember the last time I walked out of my old watering hole in Boston.
It was a strangely emotional day.
It's the people, I guess.
Saying goodbye to a lot of people.
Saying goodbye to this place doesn't mean you can't see your buddies as much as ever.
Yeah, it does.
Yeah, you're right.
But that's life.
You move on.
Only a fool tries to fight it.
- What are you doing? - Stopping the demolition.
And you? - Saying goodbye.
- You may not have to.
I intend to stand here and face down the bulldozers.
Niles, don't have to do that.
I've a discussion with Dad, he forgives us.
- Sure, Son.
Don't worry.
It's OK.
- Is it really? I think not! Because today it's Duke's, but tomorrow it's Mo's.
And the day after, it's Ernie's Taproom.
I'm not just here for you, Dad.
I'm doing this for every little guy who's found solace after a hard day by bellying up at his local bar.
I'll show faceless, corporate America they can't just shove the little guy aside.
Even when I'm that faceless, corporate America.
I'm here to fight the good fight, to show those rat-faced heathens there's still some fury in the heart of John Q Public.
On the other hand, who am I to stand in the way of progress?