Frasier s02e16 Episode Script

Well, that's all for today.
Don't forget Bob Bulldog Briscoe is up next.
Oh, yes! This is KACL cash call week.
$5,000 if you answer your phone with the phrase that pays.
So don't say "Hello".
Say Well, blow me down! No.
Say, "KACL is the talk of the town, talk of Seattle.
" Whatever.
Bye-bye.
Sam! Oh, my God! - What are you doing in town? - I'm here interviewing for a job.
The Mariners need a pitching coach and called me.
They did? I mean, that's great.
Come on in.
- You're off the air? - Yes.
Frase, I got to go.
Your messages Whoa.
Who is this? I'm Sam Malone.
I was a buddy of Frasier's in Boston.
Roz Doyle.
This is the Sam who has no respect for women and treats them like dirt? Need anyone to show you around Seattle? I'm all right with the city, but I get real lost in my hotel room.
Look at the two of you, face to face.
Wild animals everywhere are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent.
Bye, Roz.
If you need any company, give me a call.
- Snazzy card.
- It glows in the dark.
So do I.
So how's everybody at Cheers? Well, let's see Rebecca married that plumber.
She tries so hard to land a rich guy and ends up with an ordinary plumber.
He struck gold.
He's got a patent on some low-flow toilet thing.
He's rich beyond her wildest dreams.
- I'm happy for her.
- Don't be.
He dumped her.
- She's back at the bar.
- Working at Cheers again? No, she's just back at the bar.
Here's some good news.
Woody and Kelly had a baby boy.
That is wonderful! Is he? No, he's smart.
Genetics takes a holiday, huh? - Want to continue this over lunch? - I'd like that.
- Norm and Cliff still holding up the bar? - Norm is, but Cliff isn't.
He read about that flesh-eating bug and hasn't left his mum's house since.
It's good cos a lot of people who haven't been around are starting to come back.
Sam was a Major League ballplayer.
Put out the good china.
And don't forget the Limoges spittoon.
Sam's the most important person ever to set foot in this apartment.
This American obsession with superficial sports figures beats me.
Yeah.
They don't do anything important like sit on a throne or christen ships.
Niles, why didn't you bring Maris? Ask Maris to spend an evening with a baseball player? Why don't I just ask her to rub my shoulders? - Here we are.
- Wow, look at this.
You got quite a babe magnet here.
Sam Malone! I'm Marty Crane! I'm one of your biggest fans! I was at the Kingdome the night you gave up four consecutive home runs.
- I bet you remember that.
- No, that was during my drinking phase.
- Did I hit anybody? Did I hurt them? - No.
Hey, that was a good game then.
- This is my chair.
You want to sit in it? - Oh, yeah.
Well, maybe later.
I'll keep it warm for you.
- This is my brother, Dr Niles Crane.
- Pleasure to meet you.
Man, this is freaky.
He looks just like you did when I met you.
What happened? It wasn't exactly a health club you were running there, Sam.
This is strange.
I didn't know he had a brother.
In all the time you spent swapping bon mots with the beer-nut set, you never mentioned you had a brother? I bet he said something, but when he gets going, you have to tune him out.
Good slogan for his show: "When he gets going, you have to tune him out.
" What did he say about me? The father, the old cop? He told me you were dead.
- Dead? - We had had an argument.
You called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me.
You're a cop? You told me he was a research scientist.
You were dead! What did it matter? Daphne, this is Sam Malone.
Daphne Moon, Dad's physical therapist.
Pleasure to meet you.
- Daphne's from England.
- I'm a sucker for the accent.
No matter what you say, it always sounds so classy and sophisticated.
See what I mean? That kills me every time.
Let me get that.
You shouldn't spend your whole evening in the kitchen.
Is Sam flirting with Daphne? Of course he is.
He flirts with everybody.
He's a sexual compulsive.
But he's getting help in a support group.
Did he miss a meeting? Hello? You'd like to speak to Sam? - Who is it? - Who's calling, please? Sheila.
He's not here, but I'm expecting him soon.
- No! Number two! - I'm sorry.
I was mistaken.
He was here, but he left.
I'll give him the message.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Sam.
I'm a little out of practice.
So who's Sheila? Just the woman I'm supposed to marry.
Marry? When? Oh, boy.
Yesterday.
- Yesterday.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- But, Sam - Frase, please? Something smells yummy here.
Wait a second.
I think it's me.
The smell And I thought Come on, Sam, one more.
- Vic Raschi.
- You're great! You just have to give him the city, the date and the initials.
That's similar to a game Frasier and I play.
I'll go first.
viola section, initials CM.
- Czeslaw Milovicz.
- Wrong! No, Milovicz was first viola the year before, but by '62, he'd developed rosin poisoning and couldn't pluck.
That's a trick question! Well, I'm off to bed.
Thanks, Sam.
The chair's all yours.
Come on! Oh, yeah.
That's very nice.
Night, all.
- I'm turning in.
- Pleasant dreams.
No problem there.
I'm off to my Maris.
If the clock strikes twelve and she hasn't felt my kiss upon her forehead, she gets nervous.
- It's been a pleasure meeting you.
- You, too.
You want to put a smile on Maris's face? Let me tell you what you do.
Where would I find whipped cream and a car battery at this hour? You got neighbours, don't you? Now that everybody's gone, there was something I wanted to bring up.
What is it? Oh, yes! You were about to get married? I met this girl six months ago and we were supposed to get married.
Yesterday, I was standing in this church and I hear this minister say, "Will you take this woman to be your wife?" And I said, "Who, me?" I ran down the aisle and didn't stop running till I got here.
You're not here for the Mariners? No ballplayer is in Seattle for the Mariners! All right.
Let's have a seat here and start this thing from the very beginning.
- Who is this woman? - She's terrific.
Smart, funny, horny.
The kind of chick you want to stick up on a pedestal.
It's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.
- What? - Forget it, just How do you think she found me here? I guess you left a lot of clues because you wanted her to find you.
I have a feeling you actually want to marry this girl.
Yeah, I don't know You just panicked.
It's perfectly natural.
The wedding ceremony represents the end of your old life.
I tell you, man, she's one in a million.
For most guys, that's just an expression.
I have a feeling that you're finally ready for a commitment like this.
- Get on that phone and call her.
- What would I say though? Tell her the truth.
Honesty is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
Thank you.
It's time I stepped up to the plate and stopped acting like a kid.
The only question now is: will she still take you back? - She forgave him? - Yes.
She's on her way here.
They're getting married in Hawaii.
Same old story.
Love triumphs over Roz.
Don't be a sore loser.
I invited them here on their way in from the airport.
I remember my wedding day, feeling faint, shaking, sweating.
Maris was so distraught, thinking I had cold feet.
She was relieved to learn it was just a congenital heart murmur.
- Hey, everybody.
- Oh, Sam! Here she is, the future Mrs Sam Malone.
- Sheila, Frasier.
- Nice to finally meet you.
Likewise.
This is Roz and Niles.
- Congratulations.
- You want to sit down? Actually, it was a long flight.
I was hoping to go to the hotel and freshen up.
All right.
Will you join us for dinner about eight? Sure.
Well, I guess we're off to freshen up a little.
- Oh, my God! - She's not an "Oh, my God!" No.
Not that "Oh, my God".
Oh, my God, I slept with her three months ago.
- You slept with her? - Yes.
On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this? I was in Boston for a long weekend.
I was feeling a little depressed so I took solace in the arms of a beautiful and remarkably welcoming young woman at a hotel bar.
- And that was she? - No, Niles.
I told you that for no reason whatsoever Did you see the way she ran out of here the minute she saw me? The trademark of all your bed mates.
Three months ago? Sam said they'd been together for six months.
It looks like this horse race is on again.
Oh, put the weapon down! Stop it, Roz! Have you no scruples? - You slept with your friend's fiancée! - I didn't know! - You have to tell Sam about this.
- And ruin our relationship and theirs? I've got to speak to her first.
Hear her side of this story.
There are many reasons why people have affairs.
Roz, want to get us started? Maybe they stopped seeing each other for a couple of weeks.
Or he cheated on her and she was getting even.
Maybe she just found me irresistible.
Oh, yeah, that's it! You struck gold there.
- Hello, Frasier.
- Hello, Sheila.
Good to see you again.
Sam, you are one lucky guy! - He's out getting our plane tickets.
- You have some explaining to do.
- OK.
Wine? - No, thank you.
I know this doesn't excuse what I did, but I had no idea that you were a friend of Sam's.
I'm a sexual compulsive.
That's how Sam and I met, in group.
That night I spent with you, I guess I just fell off the wagon.
I felt awful afterwards.
It ended up being a turning point for me.
That's how it is with addiction.
Before you get better, you have to hit rock bottom.
Yes.
Well I'm glad I could be down there for you.
Listen, Frasier, I'm human.
I made a mistake.
Can you understand that? Of course I can understand.
I've had many patients that share your affliction, although only you can hit the emergency button of an elevator with a stiletto heel.
I love Sam.
I'll do everything I can to make this marriage work.
You seem sincere about this.
I think I can support this marriage.
But if you start to feel yourself slipping, here's my number.
No, no.
So I can help you as a psychiatrist! Thank you.
I think it's probably best if we don't tell Sam about the two of us.
Not that I have a guilty conscience.
I'm back.
You all right? Got a little charley horse.
- Did you get the tickets? - Yeah, I did.
They're right here.
I'm so happy.
By this time tomorrow, we'll be Mr and Mrs Sam Malone.
I want to talk to you about that.
Frasier said something the other day that really stuck in my mind.
What did I say? That thing about honesty being something of something It was pro-honesty.
Being the cornerstone of a good relationship? Right.
That really stuck in my mind.
- I haven't been honest with you.
- What do you mean? When we get married, I want us to have a clean slate, sweetheart.
I hope you can forgive me for this, but a few months ago, I had a slip.
It was two slips, but they were simultaneous, so I'm counting it as one.
Was this after you were engaged? Actually, it was that night.
I'm so sorry.
It has not happened since and I swear it will not happen again.
- I forgive you.
- You do? I'm relieved.
I have something I need to confess to you.
You're not the only one who slipped.
You should have a little privacy.
No, you're responsible for getting us this far.
We have no secrets.
All right.
Who? That's what makes it so tough.
It was someone from Cheers.
I parked in a loading zone! Sam, I slept with Paul.
Paul? - Short? - Bald? - Fat? - Paul? I didn't say he was good.
All right.
I understand that.
You were giving Paul a break or something.
I can forgive that.
Isn't this all about forgiveness? OK.
You told one, you told one.
We're all even.
Let's go eat.
- There was someone else.
- Are we still on this? I mean, there is honesty and there's beating a dead horse! - It doesn't matter who it is.
- Yes, it does matter.
This one is really embarrassing.
I was lonely, I was desperate and I'd just been to the eye doctor and my pupils were dilated.
Oh, Sheila, for God's sake! I'll tell him.
She's trying to say It was Cliff.
I believe she said Cliff.
Cliff? Cliff? You slept with Cliff? Cliff! No, that's it! Wedding's off! Cliff! Oh, God! Frasier, you've got to help me.
You've got to talk to him.
I slept with a woman who slept with Cliff? This will be a long flight home.
- You made the right decision.
- Yeah, I suppose.
Jeez! Cliff! You're just using Cliff as the excuse.
There were more compelling reasons for you to back out of this thing.
No, it was Cliff.
To put this thing aside once and for all, I You're probably the only friend I have who she didn't sleep with.
Cliff! That is a tough one to swallow, huh? But you proved yourself ready for a commitment, even if Sheila wasn't the one.
- I suppose so.
- In a way, we're both in the same boat.
- What do you mean? - We've tried, we've failed.
But we'll try again.
We're looking for a meaningful relationship.
That's the word, "meaningful".
- We'll find it though, buddy.
- You bet we will.
Stewardesses usually hang out at the airport bar.
That says "meaningful" to me.