Frasier s02e23 Episode Script

The Innkeepers

And so in the opinion of this critic, Mickey's Good Time Tavern is anything but dismal decor, perfunctory service and cuisine only marginally preferable to hunger.
And finally, on a sadder note, after 53 years, Orsini's is closing its doors.
Tonight, a sad adieu to the grande dame of Seattle restaurants.
I thought he was the grande dame of Seattle restaurants.
Till next time, this is Gil Chesterton saying "Bon appetit, buon appetito and nifty noshing.
" - Gil, why is Orsini's closing? - The owner wants to sell.
And Orsini's is like wine that's stayed too long in the cellar - only memories of its former glory.
- Not comping your cheque? - Not for months now.
Orsini's was my favourite restaurant.
Have you ever been there, Roz? My typical date's idea of a gourmet evening is take out, make out and home by Letterman.
- Knock, knock.
- Show starts in two minutes.
Look at the John Steinbeck I bought at the rare book fair.
"St Katy The Virgin", in like-new condition.
She'd have to be, wouldn't she? It's a shame more people haven't read it.
- Let's see.
- Don't! You'll decrease its value.
Oh Niles guess what, a thriving nightspot is closing its doors.
Roz, you're moving.
No Niles, Orsini's is closing.
It can't be! It's part of Crane history! Grandfather took me there for my eighth birthday.
- Thanks, Roz.
- Such vivid memories.
Paper hats, singing Happy Birthday, sending back the veal Prince Orloff.
Let's go to Orsini's for a glorious farewell dinner.
I'll make reservations.
We'll take Dad and Daphne.
She had a bad experience there, one Christmas Eve an Italian soccer team was there.
Maris announced she was in the mood for a goose and tragedy ensued.
Dear God.
What has happened to this place? It's like running into a movie star you once worshipped, only time has left her hair brittle, her eyes sunken and dull, her skin waxy and sallow.
I've got an appetite.
How about you, Daph? Yes, sir.
Do you have a reservation? Yes.
The name's Crane.
For four.
Table nine seems to be free.
Right this way, sir.
- Your waiter will be here in a moment.
- Thank you.
Here, Daphne.
- Thank you.
- Dad, Frasier, isn't that Otto? My God, I believe it is! Otto is legendary here.
He never writes anything down.
He keeps it all in his head.
Otto! Coming up.
Your cheque, sir.
Wrong table.
We'd like menus, please.
Sorry.
I hate it when we get crowded.
I'm going to the john.
Order me a beer.
I thought you might surprise me and order a glass of wine.
I thought you might surprise me and button your yap.
I'd order him the crab cocktail but the irony would be lost on him.
They'll have trouble finding a buyer for this place.
Yes.
One old relic whose time has come to be put out of his misery.
Oh, no, Otto, I didn't mean you.
- Your menu, sir.
- Thank you.
- Lovely.
- Thank you.
- He's in the men's room.
- No, Otto! Leave it here.
Why do Americans always rush to tear things down? At home, we treasure antiquities.
You just bring in bulldozers.
- I agree with Daphne.
- I'll try to contain my amazement.
It's a crime to lose a landmark like this.
I mean look at it.
It's well-built, good structure.
It does have good bones.
It's in a very good location.
- If they only had valet parking.
- If they took down those awful curtains.
Knocked out these pillars.
You know I've always dreamed of owning a four-star restaurant.
What growing boy hasn't? - We'd need a new chef.
- The chef at Emilio's is unhappy.
Yes! The man's scungili is a cry for help.
Frasier, are you thinking what I'm thinking? I'm picking out china and sandblasting the wine cave.
It can be hard work - if you don't scald yourself or lop off a finger, you're gagging at grease fires, killing rats and brawling with labour racketeers.
Me auntie had a little tearoom.
You're not gonna do a dumb-ass thing like buying this place? With all respect, we're not neophytes in this field.
- We know food and wine.
- We have style, taste and refinement.
But you guys never think about the hard work or the long hours.
To you, owing a restaurant is fancy clothes, hobnobbing with friends and turning enemies away.
I hadn't even thought about that! Look, when I was a cop, there was this one restaurant in the corner.
In 10 years, it changed hands 20 times.
It was Ling Fung's Lychee Palace, then Tony's Meatball Hutch, then, A Taste Of Yorkshire - English food.
Big surprise - that lasted about five minutes.
Frasier, Dad has a point.
A lot of people have lost a lot of money in this business for one reason.
They pick the wrong name! Sure Niles, but I've got something very special.
I was thinking about it while Dad was talking.
Maison Crane.
You're right, it's too obvious.
We want our name to be inviting.
What's the word for "light-hearted" in French? There isn't one.
I've got it, Niles! Les Frères Heureux.
The Happy Brothers! Brilliant! Homey and just hard enough to pronounce to intimidate riffraff.
We'll make it very exclusive.
No sign, no advertising, and an unlisted phone number.
And you could post guards on the roof to shoot people as they try to get in! - I believe.
Do you believe? - I believe.
- What would you like? - The whole damned place! And for the lady? We're a hit.
A palpable hit.
We're full, except for that table in that dank corner next to the men's room.
That is not a dank corner.
That is the enchanted grotto.
I've been getting nothing but compliments.
Chef Maurice has outdone himself.
The menu cannot be improved upon.
Unless it would be to add a soupçon of brandy to the Cherries Jubilee.
I want those cherries to be jubilant.
Daphne, Dad, everything OK? Oh, yes.
Whatever this anguilla is, it's smashing.
Our chef can do things with eels you wouldn't believe.
I arrested a guy for that once.
You really pulled it off, Dr Crane.
Sorry to disappoint you, Dad, but it seems the restaurant is a success.
By tomorrow, it'll be the toast of Seattle.
- What's in there? - Anguilla.
Dear God! Maurice likes to kill them to order, then serve them with the heads on.
Thank God his speciality isn't roast beef.
- Are those soufflés for table nine? - I'm about to bake them.
I shouldn't second-guess presentation, but would you be averse to trying something radical? What? Instead of individual soufflés, bake a large soufflé and serve it at the table.
When people hear "Niles Crane", I want them to think "big soufflé".
As you wish.
- There's a party without a reservation.
- Leave them to me.
Hey, Niles, baby! - Mr Briscoe.
May I help you? - Does it look like I need help? Do you have a reservation? I know what you're sniffing for.
These guys are all alike.
Mr Lincoln wonders if you've a table for me and the lady.
Mr Lincoln's in luck.
Please seat these people in the enchanted grotto.
The grotto? Oh, Bulldog! Enjoy our finest table.
A flash of green and you get what you want.
But look who I'm telling! Maurice? It's not to second-guess your creativity, but I thought we agreed we'd serve the soufflé in individual cups? - I was asked to change.
- On opening night? Good Lord, no.
Start pouring, man.
Dad, if you're almost finished, I'll call for your car.
Your parking attendant looked familiar.
It was Otto, the waiter.
Didn't have the heart to let him go.
- Hello, Otto.
- 'Who is this?' It's Dr Crane.
Please bring up car 44.
My innovation.
This way your car will be waiting when you're finished.
We agreed one large bowl for soufflé.
This is crazy! This is my kitchen! It's in my restaurant! One big bowl! Table 12 is still waiting.
Don't force me to send them free zucchini.
- That's the "in" door.
- What did I hit? - What happened? - Help me get him into the kitchen.
That's the "out" door.
- No harm done.
- His nose is broken.
- What shall we do? - Start ladling out zucchini.
- He's out cold! - I'll take them to the emergency room.
I'm trying to remain a happy brother, but suddenly we're without waiters or a bartender.
First rule of the kitchen.
Remain calm.
- No, I told you individual cups, you oaf! - I told him one large bowl! Are you out of your mind? Why not just serve it in a baseball glove? Ridiculous! How gauche! I didn't know you had this streak! Maurice! No, wait! Please let me finish! - It was an oversight.
- Now what? We make a battlefield promotion.
Congratulations.
Our new head chef.
- Thank you.
- We've a very important clientele.
Two senators and the head of the Immigration Bureau.
Sacre bleu! Any other names you'd like to drop? Fine, now we have no chef.
No.
No.
Put the hat down.
You are our new head chef.
I can't cook all this food.
Most of the meals are started.
Dad and Daphne can help us out.
- Otto, cancel car 44.
- 'Who is this?' Dr Crane! It's always Dr Crane! We need your help.
We've got a little disaster.
Disaster? The staff walked out.
It's a long story.
Daphne, I need you in the kitchen and you behind the bar.
You can gloat later! I'll pencil it in.
It's not the first time I've washed up for me supper.
Who'll wait on these tables? Oh, Frasier.
Roz! I'm glad to see you, too.
This is my date, Brad.
- Pleasure.
- Pretty great, huh? - Have you got our special table? - First, I want to discuss something.
- It's probably some surprise.
- Try to fool you! - What's your poison? - I'll wait for Roz.
I'd have one now.
Blackmailer! Honey, I'm really sorry, but Frasier's waiters had a terrible accident and he really needs my help.
- I hope you'll try to understand.
- No problem.
Could I get a menu and some bread and butter? You from around here? How about those Supersonics? Niles is panicking.
I don't know if we can pull this off.
Just tell them what happened.
People are more understanding than you think.
Maybe honesty is the best policy.
Everyone! Excuse me.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would just like to say - Good evening, Frasier.
- Bon appetit! Gil, I thought you never reviewed opening nights.
I made an exception and brought an entire table of restaurant critics.
Oh, well, that's lovely.
I don't know if I can accommodate you.
We'll take that one over there.
We're salivating to try anguilla.
I hear chef's a wizard with eels.
Eels? That was his old speciality.
You must try his new speciality.
Scrambled eggs.
Eels it is.
Table four now want Sole Veronique without grapes, spinach instead of broccoli, risotto instead of pasta.
- They also want - Just tell them, "No substitutions"! - I have trouble saying no.
- So the guidebooks tell us.
- Do you want to get thrown in the tank? - You're not making this very easy.
You waltz in here, la-di-da, "extra broccoli, hold the capers," then you go out on the fun side of the door.
You want to trade places? Be my guest.
How dare you use that tone? All right, stop it! You're not being asked to do anything you've never done in your own homes.
Now, quick, Niles, kill five eels! Wait! What? Every restaurant critic in Seattle wants anguilla.
Kill eels! How do you suggest I do that? You're the chef! Throw a toaster in the damn tank! Not to worry.
Eels are on their way.
- Our mouths are watering.
- Our chef is in the process of frying them now.
Excuse me, this is Veal Piccata.
I ordered Veal Marsala.
I'll rectify that at once.
I'll be right back.
Niles, this Veal Piccata has to be Veal Marsala.
The mayor's table all want Cherries Jubilee.
Fine.
You flame them.
How are those eels? I'm just trimming them now.
- Take them out of the tank! - Not till I'm sure they're dead! For heaven's sakes! What was that? Big blue flash.
Cherries everywhere.
Lucky it didn't set off the sprinkler system.
We have a safety delay for this - kick in! - Where do I turn it off? - Over there.
I hope you're satisfied! You thinned my brown sauce.
Good news! That was just a test! - I want my car! Now! - Yes, ma'am, right away.
Otto, bring car 23.
Hurry! - 'Who is this?' - It's the voice of God! Doc, great touch with the sprinklers! My date's dress is clinging to her like saran wrap! Every restaurant has to adjust.
You'll remember this as an adventure! And if they don't remember it, I'll remind them.
Please keep us in mind for your next special occasion.
We plan exciting innovations in the weeks to come.
Starting with our drive-through window.
Number 23 is ready.
How much firepower is necessary to embed a cherry in a ceiling tile? Another question we should have asked before entering the exciting world of food service.
Those eels are starting to stink! Dad, you've circled like a shark.
Just give us your speech.
You guys will punish yourselves enough without me chiming in.
- Thanks.
- Hey, I'm your dad.
Hello, Happy Brothers Restaurant.
Table for two? No problem.
Smoke damaged or non-smoke damaged? You know, we could tell people he died in the explosion.