Frasier s03e06 Episode Script

Sleeping with the Enemy (1)

Well, my husband is always criticising me because in restaurants I like to listen in on strangers' conversations.
I don't know why he makes such a big deal out of nothing.
Well June, I suppose your lack of interest makes your husband feel invisible.
Imagine what it must be like to sit across from someone who's constantly scanning, searching craning their neck to see Just what the hell is going on out there? Oh gosh, you're right! I've been insensitive.
It's just common decency -to stay focused on the other person.
-Huh? What? -Oh, well, good for you, Jane! -June! -Oh, yeah, well, whatever! Er, this is Dr Frasier Crane.
KACL 780.
What is going on? Oh, our beloved station manager decided -we're not getting our raise this year! -What? This is an outrage! I have a contract! Don't palpitate, it doesn't apply to the on-air talent.
Oh, thank God.
I'm sorry I was being selfish, wasn't I? I, er, feel very ashamed.
It is nevertheless er, an outrage.
It's not a personal outrage but certainly a, a family of man outrage.
Frasier, I spent that raise already - on my new diamond earrings! I love them.
I love them so much, I slept with them! Well, Roz, as long as you're doing it for love it's a step in the right direction! Real supportive, Frasier! We've been getting that raise every year and now this Nazi in nylons comes waltzing in here and cancels it with some vague crap about corporate belt-tightening.
This isn't fair! Oh, oh, actually you're right! Er you, maybe you should tell her what you just told me.
Er, except I would leave out the "Nazi in nylons" bit.
It's not your best icebreaker.
Oh, you're damn right we're gonna tell her! -We've all been here a hell of a lot longer than she has! -That's right! She pushes us, we push back! -She's standing right behind me, isn't she? -Yeah.
Is there a problem? Nope? Good.
Kate? -Doc? -Er, these people would like to speak with you.
No, I'm sorry, I can't talk right now.
-I've got a meeting.
-Well I-I'm sorry, excuse me? I think your meeting can wait five minutes.
Now they're a little upset about your memo.
-I think you should discuss it with them.
-Dr Crane I wrote the memo I signed the memo, I posted the memo.
If I had anything more to say, I would have put it -Anybody? -In the memo? -Bravo.
Okay.
If she wants to play tough, we'll play tough back.
We still have a lot of power here.
Now we could go on strike Look, look, you know er, I, I think you should listen to Roz.
Every year in exchange for your hard work you receive a five percent raise.
Now, you've fulfilled your part of the bargain.
She has blithely changed the deal.
In the 'hood, they call that "being dissed.
" Yes, my streetwise friend.
-You have a right to stand up for yourselves.
-Okay.
We gonna do this? Are we together? -What's the point? If we strike they'll just replace us.
They only care about the on-air people.
Aaah, so we'll get their support! Frasier just said he's on our side! I did? Well, well, yes I, I did, I did, yes.
But my meagre endorsement is is meaningless without the support of the other talent.
Did you hear that? Frasier's gonna get everyone on our side! Er I, I'd love to, to help, but you know I'm already in hot water with that woman! You can't ask me to raise a mutiny against her! "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.
" James Tiberius Kirk, Captain, Starship Enterprise.
Go away, you annoying little man.
Please? Oh alright, alright! You organise your people, I'll talk to mine! Hey, beat it.
Hey, if you can't run with The Bulldog, stay on the porch.
-Niles.
-Good evening, Frasier.
You left your Mont Blanc in my car, so I Oh.
I see cocktails.
Hors d'oeuvres.
Mingling.
If I were the suspicious type I'd say you were throwing a party to which I was not invited.
-Feel like a wiener, Niles? -Indeed I do.
Niles, this is not a party.
And dad, that is fourteen-dollar- a-pound andouille sausage.
Wow.
Means Eddie ate about thirty bucks' worth.
Niles, these people are colleagues from the station.
We're here to discuss a labour dispute.
Oh, well.
Fight on, people! You know, there is no greater friend to the working man than my own Maris.
Remember, when our stable boy Wakim's appendix burst? She had him driven back to the border at her own personal expense! -Ah, good evening, Frasier! -Gil, Sheryl, Floyd! Oh! What a stunning apartment! The palette is pure, subtle elegance! The detailing well, it's inspired! And the furnishings Oh, dear.
Is that a chair? -That is my father's chair.
-Oh.
Well this must be your father! -Hi - Marty Crane.
You put on quite a show! Oh, you've heard my little programme? No, I mean just coming through the door.
Doc, doc! Can we hurry this thing up? I got a charity event tonight.
She's not much to look at, but what the hell.
Okay, well, since we're all here Er, now, regarding management's claim of financial distress I've done some checking around and I've found that the advertising revenues are up eleven-and-a-half per cent -Gil Chesterton, the restaurant critic! -Yes.
Oh, I just love those wicked things you say when the food is bad! Well, keep bringing these and you won't be disappointed! The wage freeze is unwarranted.
It is simply a ploy of an overly ambitious station manager and typical of this woman! She has terrorised us, she has tampered with our shows.
-It's time we said no to this Princess of Darkness! -I got a better idea.
Why don't we just walk up to Mike Tyson and tell him he talks funny? What about our support staff? If we don't back this strike, they may lose their jobs! They're powerless without our support.
Frasier, old man, why do they need raises? You're talking about people who eat corn dogs and nachos.
That statement is appallingly elitist.
Well thank you, Mister Everyday People! Hey, I'm sure we'd all like to help these people, but we need our jobs.
We're working stiffs too living from paycheck-to- paycheck just like they are.
Excuse me, someone's blocking me in downstairs.
Who has a BMW? A red BMW.
-With a red interior.
-Oh, that's me! Just give me your key; I'll leave it to the doorman.
-Oh, no no.
I was just leaving.
-Oh, I'm going too.
Where are your ethics? Where's your conscience? Where's your john? I need to slap on some Canoe.
Hey, I'm with you people! To heck with the workers.
-They're not yours! -Hey, damn right! And chances are, after the station manager crushes the little people she won't come after you big shots.
Right.
Why would she? Well, I mean er, supposing she's trying to save money you're the big ticket items.
Erm, after all this, well, she won't have to worry about the support staff backing you guys up, will she? Oh but no, that's crazy.
You're not suggesting that Kate might be coming after our money next? No, she wouldn't do that! She's a peach, right? Soft as a cream puff.
And we all know no-one here is overpaid Suddenly, I'm feeling very Norma Rae.
Great! I'll get us some more wine.
Dad, that was brilliant, using reverse psychology! I guess living with me is rubbing off on you a little bit.
Well, I guess it's only natural that environmental factors -would influence personality development -Alright.
Well, oh wait I, I hope I didn't hit -some long-repressed Oedipal nerve -Very funny.
Because the last thing we want is for you to be sublimating your anger passive/aggressive Oh, alright! Just stop it, you wise ass! Ha-hey! Looks like I'm rubbing off on you, too! Alright, people! I have spoken -with the on-air talent, and I -Shhh! Ixnay, Dr Crane Ah, yes.
You've really dropped the cone of silence now.
Anyway, I have delivered on my promise: the talent is behind you.
If you strike, we strike.
All for one and one for all! -Okay! So who is our spokesperson - who is leading the charge? -I am.
-You want to make something of it? Oh shoot, I smiled again! Rozalinda, a word.
Our leader is Noel Shempsky?! The man has all the backbone of a paramecium! Well, do you think that it's my idea? Noel and I were the only two who volunteered.
'Course, they voted me down.
I'm smarter than he is, more confident, more articulate but those stupid little wusses think I'm a hot-head! But Noel, Roz! A lot of people's jobs are riding on this - including mine! -Then you do it! -Me? -Yes! -No no, me? -Oh, please! Me? No, no, I've done enough already, oh Dr Crane, I can see that you're concerned about my negotiating skills.
But don't be I have a secret weapon.
I can faint at will.
Check it out Okay people, there's been a coup.
I am now your leader! To the lair of the She-Wolf! Wow.
What have we here? We are dissatisfied with the wage freeze and we demand to speak to you about it.
-Don't we? -Yes! Alright, but aren't you people still on the clock? Well hi-ho the dairy-o, the cheese stands alone.
They're a shrewd group.
They only flex their muscles when they have to.
Well done! Yeah, right.
Will you get in here? I'm kinda surprised to see you here.
This really isn't your fight, is it? I am honoured to have been chosen by my colleagues to speak for them.
Oh.
That's a shame.
I was kinda looking forward to seeing Shempsky faint.
Well, we have a lot to do, so we may as well just get to it Is that a, a new hairdo? It's very fetching.
Oooh, is that a new tie? It just lights up your pretty face.
Look, what is it about us? I mean, why all this friction between us? For my own part your intolerable smugness reminds me of my ex-wife.
But what is the source of your antipathy toward me? Was there some intimidating male figure in your childhood? A father? A, a priest? A department store Santa I don't know, I'm just spit-balling here! -I have an idea about the source of our antagonism.
-Good.
Do let me hear it.
I'm a woman, I'm as smart as you, and I'm your boss.
-Coincidences, all! Doc I don't want to analyse your hang-ups.
I already got a full-time job.
Let's just get down to business, okay? Oh, very well.
There's really very little to discuss.
These people were promised a raise.
They have fulfilled their part of the bargain; it's time for you to honour yours.
-You have twenty-four hours.
-Or? We walk, en masse.
Including the on-air talent.
-I've seen to that myself.
-You have.
-Why are you gunning for me? -Gunning? For you? This isn't about you, it's about what you're doing to those people.
It's the shame of Seattle! No, no; this is about your ego, which is the size of Seattle! Every suggestion, every decision I've made has been met by this impenetrable wall of arrogance masquerading as righteousness.
That's a desperate shot attacking me because I have a social conscience! No, what you have is a fat contract, and so do the rest of your cronies.
So when it came time for staff raises there was no more money left in the till! Oh, you are twisting things to make it look like it's my fault! Oh, it's true what they say: the devil comes disguised as a beautiful woman! There would've been raises if you hadn't taken all the money to pay for those Armani suits.
Oh, oh, what about you? Let's not overlook that pricey little Fendi scarf you're wearing! Well, what about this designer cologne on you? Well, how about those pouty lips that must have -cost you a fortune in collagen injections! -These lips are mine -you arrogant gasbag! -You intractable despot! -Blowhard! -Tyrant! -Ass! -Shrew! Get out! Now! -Hey, Niles! -Maris found a grey hair.
Daphne, get Niles a brandy.
It was right at the apex of her widow's peak.
Better bring the bottle! She blames me, dad.
She said it's from the stress I caused her last night when I thoughtlessly turned on the light while she was getting undressed.
Oh! Good evening, Dr Crane! Oh, let me take that for you.
After all, you are the friend of the working man! Thank you, Daphne.
-Defender of the little people -Alright, Daphne Standing up to the boss on behalf of the downtrodden selflessly risking your own Don't you have some meat to boil? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I apologise, it's just been a, a, a bad day.
I was elected by the employees to present our demands to, to Kate.
Oh well, that was a smart move! Did you give her a good tongue-lashing? -In a manner of speaking, yes.
-I'm proud of you, son.
No, don't be, dad - I'm a fraud.
I, I was in her office tempers flared and the next thing I knew, we werelocked in a -passionate kiss! -Ooooh, go on! Daphne, I'm really not that comfortable talking about this in front of you.
Oh, no need to be shy around me.
I'm a professional health care worker! I've seen it all! I've helped your father in and out of the bathtub.
Okay, Daphne -I've seen his bits! -Hey! Oh, for God's sake! Just tell her, will you? Frasier: Oh, alright.
It was like nothing I've ever experienced before.
It was just pure sex! Overwhelming, unexpected, animal-like! Oh well, that! We've all experienced that, who hasn't? Pfff! I'm no stranger to that feeling meself.
It can strike without warning.
And you don't know who it will be! Why, you could be standing next to a person month after month and then the next thing you know you're tearing each other's clothes off! -There's a word for it -Hope.
Oh, this is madness! I'm actually lusting after a woman that does nothing but grate on my nerves.
I can't stand her! Oh really, Dr Crane! Would a man want to have sex with a woman he doesn't even like? -Yes! -Absolutely! Maybe she's been harbouring feelings for me.
Is it possible that she could have been lusting after me all this time? Oh, it could be.
But you know, you were in the middle of a negotiation.
Maybe she laid that smackeroo on you just to rattle your brain.
Dad has a point.
Your musk-drenched animal magnetism aside it's quite possible that she was simply manipulating you.
Oh, I hardly think so.
The woman's passion seemed genuine.
Yes - it always does.
Do you suppose it's possible she's just using sex to sway me to her side? Well, figure it out.
Who made the first move? You or her? There was no first move.
It was more like spontaneous sexual combustion.
-There's always a first move.
Think.
-Alright.
I was standing in front of her desk like so.
She was facing me Niles, you be Kate.
-I will not.
-Look, just stand up! I'm always the girl! In every prep school play I was the girl! Guinevere, Marian the Librarian, Ado Annie.
Well, no more.
I'm through with it! When do I get to be Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo'?! This is getting menowhere! Alright.
I'll just have to go down there and confront her myself.
Find out if what she was feeling was actually genuine or she was simply being a conniving femme fatale! Oh, come on now, Dr Crane! It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
How can we possibly use sex to get what we want?! Sex is what we want! -Kate.
-Frasier.
-Er I think we have some issues to discuss.
-Me too.
Have a seat.
-I'd prefer to stand.
-Me too.
-Let's talk about the kiss.
-Yeah.
Let's.
-Alright.
Why did it happen? Some possibilities: Er, frustration; passion; the stress of the situation; -Manipulation.
-Manipulation That is interesting.
-What's interesting is that you focused on manipulation.
Why? -Because there's a possibility of manipulation.
-So, you admit -that you were manipulating me! -Me? I'm talking about you! How dare you think I'd do a thing like that! Well, it's not unheard of for a woman like you to use her feminine wiles to get what she wants.
Oh, very clever! What about you using your masculine wiles to get what you want? You think my wiles are masculine? No, I am not going down that road again.
'Course you're not.
Because at the end of that road is a cul-de-sac of vulnerability.
That's not you, is it? -No, you're cement-hard.
-"Cul-de-sac of vulnerability"? Alright, listen.
You see me for a couple of hours out of every day and you think you know me? The me me? Alright, I can be tough - okay, I've gotta be.
I can also be tender spontaneous shy lusty -playful.
-Kittenish? I could climb you like a scratching post.
Damn it! Stop! What are we doing?! Now there are people out there counting on us! Right, you're absolutely right.
We've gotta put personal pleasure aside until we get this thing resolved.
Absolutely.
We owe it to them.
If it takes every minute of every hour of every day and every ounce of strength we have we have got to settle this strike! Alright.
Those people deserve a five percent raise.
-I'll give you three.
-Four! -Done.
-Hey, any news? -Frasier's hanging tough! -He just keeps pounding that desk and saying, "More, more, more!" -Okay! Good news.
-She's offered three percent.
-Take it! -No, never! I'm going to get you four! I don't care if I have to stay in there all night! Frasier! Frasier! Frasier!