Frasier s04e05 Episode Script

Head Game

So I decided it was time I got to know some of my colleagues in the media.
- But a convention? - Mm.
You've never shown any interest before.
They've never held one in Aspen before.
Just think, hundreds of radio psychiatrists, all in the same location.
One well-timed avalanche and the dignity of the entire psychiatric profession could be restored.
[LAUGHS] Oh, good one.
I can always count on you for some witty retort.
I insult you, and you compliment me.
Could the request for a favour be far behind? Damn.
You are perceptive.
- Oh, stop it.
- Oh, all right.
Listen, Niles, I'd like you to do my show for me for the week I'm gone.
Me standing in for you? I'm sorry, Frasier, I couldn't presume to fill those big, floppy red shoes of yours.
Please, please, Niles.
Look, I'm begging you.
The station wants to replace me with Helen Grogan, better known as Ma Nature.
She does a gardening show, and I'm just a little worried that a week of discussing well-rotted manure will weaken my listener base.
It hasn't yet.
Very well.
You leave me no alternative but to call in my marker.
What marker? Oh, I think you know.
- You wouldn't.
- I would.
- You can't.
- I will.
That was three years ago.
I don't recall there being any statute of limitations.
I distinctly recall that when you asked me to go out with Maris' sister, you said that you would owe me one forever.
But you only spent one evening with Brie.
That hardly compares to what you're asking me to endure.
Shall I refresh your memory? Midway through the opera, her ermine muff began to tremble.
As it turned out, she had used it to smuggle in her adorably incontinent chihuahua.
Just as I thought we'd reached the low point of the evening, I suddenly felt a sandpaper tongue licking my earlobe.
Alas, it did not belong to little Hervë.
Fortunately, my shriek coincided with the onstage murder of Gondalfo.
Roz will expect you on Monday at 2.
For your information, Brie had a very tough row to hoe growing up.
It's not easy going through life with only one nostril.
Did I mention she had a cold that night? Monday at 2 it is.
WOMAN: We're at the point where all communication has broken down.
- He won't even listen to me.
- Linda.
Do you how annoying that is, not to be listened to? - Linda.
- It's driving me crazy.
I was hoping maybe you would speak to him directly.
Excuse me one moment.
Thank you for the brilliant job of call-screening.
How do I get out of this? Did you think of saying there are other callers on the line? Linda, I'd love to go into this in more depth, but, unfortunately, we're nearly out of time and Roz has lots of other callers waiting anxiously on the line.
Actually, Dr Crane, all our lines are open.
So you can talk to him? Good.
I'm putting him on the line right now.
- Go ahead.
- All right.
Murray, you're dealing with your problem in a very self-destructive manner.
It won't be solved by refusing to eat.
Do you hear me? [CAT MEOWS OVER PHONE] Oh, my God, it's working.
He's eating.
Dr Crane, what did you say to him? Well, I'd like to tell you, but that would violate doctor-cat confidentiality.
Oh, well, Seattle, I'm afraid we're out of time.
This is Dr Niles Crane, one down, four to go.
See you tomorrow.
That little bit of sabotage was not amusing.
Then why did coffee come out of my nose? Hey, Dr Dolittle, I heard your show.
- It didn't suck.
- "Dear diary" So how's it feel? Like I'm walking away from my lamppost and counting the bills in my garter belt.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] Okay, both of you get out of here.
I gotta set up for my show.
I got Reggie MacLemore on my show today.
Don't ask me why.
- I wasn't even going to ask who.
- He's a guard for the Sonics.
He used to be unstoppable.
Twenty points a game, easy.
Now he's in the tank.
Just what I need on my show, a loser.
Oh, look, there he is now.
What an overpaid, worthless piece of - Hey, Reggie, my man! - What's up? How you doing, man? You never call me unless you need tickets, man.
What's up with that? [YELLS] I love this guy.
Reggie MacLemore, Roz Doyle.
- Hi.
I'm a big fan of yours.
- Thanks.
I'd introduce you to this guy, but he doesn't know squat about sports.
On the contrary.
In prep school, I was an ardent sportsman.
Until an inflamed instep forced me to resign from the croquet club.
I'll see myself out.
Oh, hey, wait a minute.
You're the shrink.
I heard you in my car on the way over.
Dr Niles Crane.
It's a pleasure.
Doc, wait.
You sounded like you really know what you're talking about.
Anyway, there's this sort of problem I've been having, and I was wondering Maybe you could help me out.
Well, what is it? Well, you see, for the last two weeks, every time I get my hands on the pill, I choke.
Well, have you tried mashing it with a spoon? You don't watch much basketball, do you? It's my game, man.
Because of me, we've lost six in a row.
Oh, well, I'm not very well versed in sports psychology, but I could certainly schedule a session.
No, no, I need something fast, man.
We got Phoenix tonight.
This is highly irregular, but since you're pressed, there are exercises I could suggest.
Oh, great, man.
Thanks, man.
You know what, just name it.
Tickets to any game you want.
Nothing wrong with your sense of humour.
Have a seat.
We'll start with a positive visualization.
I want you to close your eyes, take a deep breath.
Now, I want you to imagine yourself on the playing surface, doing whatever it is you actually do.
Tell me what you see.
- Okay.
Kemp's passing me the ball.
- Mm-hm.
- I'm bringing it up court.
- Mm-hm.
- I'm dribbling.
- Don't worry about your appearance.
Start again, and I'll just be quiet.
- Can I ask you a favour? - Yeah, forget it, he's married.
Hey, that's pretty offensive.
Why do you assume that's what I wanted? Okay, then, what did you want? Well, I don't know, I just wanted to [HORN HONKS] Time's up.
Oh, by the way, if you're so hungry for some good-looking, athletic guy, why won't you go out with me? If you're not at least this tall, you can't go on this ride.
This next exercise is designed to block negative feelings.
I've tried it myself.
Simply take a moment, think of something comforting from childhood: A stuffed animal, a dog-eared copy of Middlemarch.
You may have other memories.
Come on, Reggie, shake it.
I gotta run.
Hey, but thanks a lot, doc.
I'll give it a try.
Oh, wait, I saw this.
It has steps, right? Later, man.
[CHEERING ON TV] - You know, according to this article - No, quiet.
That's three seconds.
Come on, he's camping out in the middle.
No, don't double the ball.
They'll just swing it around for a three.
There it is.
Just like I said.
Oh! Oh, timeout.
Sure, now you listen to me.
You believe this? Two minutes ago, we were up six points Shh! Quiet.
This is my favourite commercial.
No, don't pick that floor cleaner.
It'll give your floors waxy build-up.
No, don't do it.
Don't do it! Dahh! It's completely different.
[DOORBELL RINGS] There's Dr Crane.
It'll be a pleasure to be around one man who's not obsessed with sports.
- Hello, Daphne.
- Hello.
Oh, the Sonics are on, excuse me.
- So, Dad - Hold it, Niles.
There's only nine seconds to go.
- What's the score? - What do you care? No, get it to MacLemore, to MacLemore.
He's got the hot hand.
Yes! Come on, Reggie! Unbelievable.
Sonics win! - This is fantastic.
You know, Dad - Wait, wait.
I wanna see the replay.
No, get it to MacLemore.
Unbelievable! - You might be interested to know - Quiet, I wanna see the interview.
REPORTER [ON TV]: Reggie, got a minute? Great game tonight.
Seems like your slump is over.
Yeah, I was really feeling it out there tonight.
What turned it around for you? Well, I was having a little problem getting my head together, but this radio shrink really helped me out.
Dr Niles Crane.
- Well, good luck against Utah.
- Thanks a lot.
Let's send it back upstairs.
[TV CLICKS OFF] You? [LAUGHS] - Is that so hard to believe? - Yeah.
- When did you talk to him? - He was on Bulldog's show today.
We had a brief session in the hallway.
Not more than two minutes.
You turned Reggie's game around in only two minutes? Well, you could be a little less surprised.
I am a skilled psychiatrist.
After 16 years in the field, I have developed certain instincts.
I gotta say, I'm impressed.
DAPHNE: I'm starting to think maybe I should spend an hour or two on the couch with you.
Are you kidding? With Niles, it'd only take two minutes.
Thanks, Dad.
[PHONE RINGS, FOOTSTEPS] Hey, doc, great job.
Go Sonics.
- You're the man.
- Thank you.
Same to you.
[MOUTHING] Way to go.
Heavens, I need a clip and a buff.
There he is, the toast of Seattle.
You know you made the sports section of the paper this morning? Yes, I'd heard.
I must admit, I find this all a bit mystifying.
Do people really care this much about a basketball game? Are you kidding? This is Seattle.
It rains nine months out of the year.
We take our indoor sports very seriously.
Well, I know you always have.
You're a hero today, so I'm gonna let that one go.
Pucker up, baby, I'm planting a big, wet one on you.
Muah! Well, there's a layer of skin I'll be exfoliating this evening.
- I had 200 bucks on the Sonics.
- Two hundred? Isn't gambling illegal? - Isn't he the cutest? - Oh, yes.
- Down.
- Okay.
I hope you don't feel this way about chicks.
I got one of those Sonics cheerleaders coming on my show today, and she really wants to see you.
Believe it or not, Bulldog, not every man's dream woman is a pompom-shaking, half-time halfwit.
Is she the head cheerleader? Yeah, and she's coming in costume.
Of course she is.
It's radio.
Look at these faxes that came for you.
Faxes? "Seattle thanks you.
" "You're the Sonics' MVP.
" - Most valuable player.
- Oh! "You're a genius.
" With the less-common J spelling.
But still, his point is well taken.
I bet you're feeling pretty good about yourself.
Suddenly I'm being revered as a god by the same troglodytes who in junior high school tried to pack me into my own briefcase.
It's glorious.
Oh, I almost forgot the best part.
Reggie sent these tickets for tonight's game over.
Well, I suppose I can't disappoint my new fans.
Tell me, does one still wear a white sweater jauntily tied around the neck to these things? If one wants to get the crap beat out of one.
- Hey.
- Dad.
What a surprise.
I'm not interrupting or anything, am I? - No, come in.
Is everything all right? - Oh, sure, sure.
I was just having lunch at McGinty's, and some of the guys would really like to meet you, and I was hoping that after your show, you could stop in for a drink.
I mean, I wouldn't ask you, but some of these guys are my best buddies.
Actually, Dad, Reggie sent over these tickets to tonight's game, and I was going to ask you to go, but since The hell with those guys.
I'm there.
I have to tell you, I'm finding all this attention a bit overwhelming.
Oh, come on, you deserve it.
You're a hero.
Perhaps it's time we put all this into perspective.
The only real heroes are the fine athletes who worked so hard for two hours to win that game.
My contribution was minimal at best.
What did I tell you, doc? Which of you won the game for us last night? That would be me.
[CHATTERING] Nice talking to you too.
Enjoy the game.
Dad, it really isn't necessary to tell everyone we bump into [RAISED VOICE] that I'm the one Reggie credited with last night's victory.
- That was you? - Yeah, yeah, it's my son, Niles Crane.
They must've sold too many tickets.
They've stuck us in these folding chairs.
Wow, we're right on the hardwood, five feet from the baseline.
[CHUCKLES] - Like front-row orchestra, stage right.
- Oh.
Oh, man, we're so close we're gonna hear teeth rattle when they set a pick.
[CHUCKLES] It's like sitting close enough to get hit by Placido Domingo's spit.
REGGIE: Hey, hey, N.
, you made it.
- I beg your pardon? Oh, "N.
" I thought you said "nancy.
" For a second it was prep school all over again.
Let me introduce.
Reggie MacLemore, Daphne Moon.
- Hello.
- And this Hi.
Marty Crane.
Niles' dad.
Yeah, I'm a big fan.
I want you to know, I never lost faith in you.
Not when you were in your slump, not when you tanked it in the playoffs, not even when all my friends were calling you Reggie Hack-Lemore.
What? You know, this might be a good time to try that negative-thought-blocking exercise.
Yeah, okay.
Look, you guys enjoy the game.
I'll see you afterwards.
- All right.
Make me proud.
- Go Sonics.
[HORN BLOWS] - What the hell was that? - That's the end of the shootaround.
The coach is about to send the starting five in for the tip-off.
- The stage manager just called places.
- Oh.
[AUDIENCE BOOS] [WHISTLE BLOWS] ANNOUNCER: Foul on the rebound, MacLemore.
I gather Reggie's not performing up to par this evening.
Oh, you got that from all the booing, huh? Nice counselling job.
He's been throwing up bricks all night.
Judging from that empty tureen of nachos and cheese, you may be joining him.
ANNOUNCER: Malone to the line to shoot two.
Doc, you gotta help me out.
I don't know what's wrong.
Perhaps you've forgotten my advice.
Let's review quickly.
Did you empty your mind of negative thoughts? - Yeah.
- The imaging exercises? Yeah, yeah, I did them.
What else did you tell me to do? Nothing.
Bulldog called you, you ran back in.
No, no, wait.
Now, right before that, I rubbed your head.
I remember because my hand smelled like peach and I thought, "What the hell does this guy wash his hair with?" Well, you can't possibly think that my head is some sort of lucky charm.
Well, we'll know in a minute.
I saw you talking to Reggie again.
Hope you gave him some more advice.
I tried to, but he has this absurd idea No, wait, wait, wait.
[CROWD CHEERING] ANNOUNCER: MacLemore for three.
What did you say to him? I didn't say anything he could possibly Look, look, look, he stole the ball.
[CROWD CHEERING] ANNOUNCER: MacLemore, three more.
Oh, Dr Crane, you're a miracle worker.
What did you say to him? Oh, just something off the top of my head.
ANNOUNCER: Timeout, Utah.
[DOOR SHUTS] Oh, isn't this nice.
Dr Crane sent us a postcard from Aspen.
How's he doing? Let's see.
"I delivered a speech at the conference last night.
I was especially pleased with my opening line: 'My fellow psychiatrists.
As I watched you on the slopes today, I realized I've never seen so many Freudians slip.
' As hard as you're laughing now, imagine the thunder of an auditorium of colleagues.
Well, see you Saturday.
" Well, I better get going.
I'm meeting Joe at the movies.
Oh, bloody hell, it's later than I thought.
MARTIN: Enjoy.
- Yeah.
Enjoy your game.
Oh, Dr Crane, have fun at the game.
- I'm afraid we won't be going.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Do you wanna know why? - Not really.
MARTIN: VIP parking.
Yeah, that's courtside, pal.
Yeah, right on the hardwood.
Yeah, swear to God.
And Reggie said the seats are ours for the rest of the season.
I believe it's what they call "living large.
" I don't know.
Somewhere on TV.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, I gotta go.
Let's go, Niles.
You know, Dad, I was thinking, maybe we shouldn't go to the game today.
[LAUGHS] Hey, you know what I was thinking? Maybe we shouldn't go to any of them.
[LAUGHS] You know, that's one of the best things about this.
When was the last time you and I joked like this? Well, we better get going, because it's late.
Last night at the game did you happen to notice when Reggie tousled my hair? Yeah, yeah.
Let's go.
Well, somehow, some way, he's convinced himself that that's what he needs to do in order to play well.
Oh, well, can't we talk about it in the car? It has nothing to do with any advice I've given.
It's all some bizarre superstition, and Reggie wants to rub my head again before today's game.
Well, you know, a lot of athletes have weird superstitions.
Yes, but I'm a psychiatrist.
I can't let people think I'm treating the man when all I am is a rabbit's foot.
I'd be taking credit for something I don't deserve.
What would you be taking credit for? Helping him.
What are you doing? Helping him.
I'm getting my coat.
But I wouldn't be helping him as a psychiatrist.
Oh, that's what's bugging you? People thinking you're a good psychiatrist? - Exactly.
- Are you a good psychiatrist? - Yes.
- I'm getting my coat.
Dad, Dad, I'm sorry.
We're not going.
Oh, man, I knew you'd find some way to ruin this.
Courtside season tickets.
VIP parking.
No, no, you've gotta have your reasons.
"It's my ethics.
It's my integrity.
It's my allergies.
" Well, that's it.
I'm never getting my hopes up again.
Dad, you can still watch the game on TV.
I don't wanna watch it on TV.
- I'll get you a beer.
- I don't like beer.
Dad, you know I'm right.
Will you look me in the eye and answer me one question? Would you still be doing this if these were courtside seats at the opera? Yes.
My ethics are my ethics.
And by the way, where do you think I got those ethics? Oh, yeah, throw it back at me.
That's real mature.
I'd like to talk to Mr MacLemore.
- Who wants to see him? - Just tell him N.
Is here.
Nancy? No, N.
What is so hard about that? Damn, man, where've you been? I gotta be on the court in five minutes.
I know, I know.
Before you rub your hands all over me, we need to talk.
REGGIE: What's up? - Well, I'll come right to the point.
This entire affair has grown out of control.
I need to end it.
What are you saying, you're not coming anymore? Well, no.
We can still see each other to talk, but no touching.
That part of our relationship is over.
- Does this concern you? - It's starting to.
- All right, come on, dude.
- No.
Now, listen.
Do you really expect me to drop what I'm doing and race down here every day just so you can run your fingers over my head? Yeah.
Listen to me closely.
You are a gifted athlete with tremendous skill.
Marshal your talents.
The key to your success is to trust your own God-given ability.
It has nothing to do with my head.
- It must be your hair.
- Will you stop it.
- You're obsessing.
- Come on, man, just let me touch it.
You have to look at this logically.
I can't come down here for every game, and I certainly can't go with you when the team is on tour.
This is not a long-term solution.
What you need is legitimate therapy.
If you wanna start, come inside.
I'll give you a quick session, we can proceed from there.
Yeah, you're right, doc.
I mean, what I need is a long-term solution.
Yo, Frank, let me see those scissors.
Coming, doc.