Frasier s04e08 Episode Script

Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven

Look, we had an agreement.
We went to a movie I wanted to see, so I was supposed to pay for the ticket.
Very well, Dad.
The next time we go to a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, not only may you pay for the tickets, but also for the wild horses it will take to drag me there.
Well, I'm only mad because we had an agreement.
Now, a man's supposed to honour his agreements.
Didn't you learn anything from that movie? Only that bullets are useless against a man who can kick really high.
Now, look, I'm serious about this.
Once in a while, I'd like to pay.
- Okay.
- MARTIN: Okay.
So the next time we go anywhere, it's on me.
Have I made my point? Yes, Dad, with all the subtlety that Mr Van Damme displayed when he jet-packed into the Vatican to subdue that nasty old pope impostor.
Like you saw that coming.
Well, Maris has finally deigned to call me back, after I've left no fewer than 20 messages.
Honestly, Niles, by calling her so many times, you give her all the power.
You're much better off coming from a position of strength.
Don't pour that sherry on your shirt.
It will stain.
- What? - I'm sorry.
I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we gave each other patently obvious advice.
I had to call Maris for that party I'm throwing for my country club friends.
Oh, yes, the one I wasn't invited to but my Waterford punchbowl was.
Yes, well, Maris has chosen the same night to throw a party of her own.
- Couldn't you ask her to postpone? - I tried.
She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.
Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium.
Well, you can see my problem.
We're going to be competing now for which friends go to which party.
You know, Niles, for a separated couple still hoping to reconcile, I'm afraid you're going down a path that You shouldn't wear that tie with that jacket.
Oh, is that your clever way of telling me I'm dispensing unwanted criticism? That too.
- Hello, boys.
- Hello, Daphne.
Oh, Dr Crane.
Will you be joining us for dinner? - What a nice invitation.
I'd love to.
- Well, then, you're in for a treat.
I've decided to make Grammy Moon's famous sheep's head stew.
Oh, don't worry, the name's a bit misleading.
It's actually more of a soup.
You actually use a real sheep's head? - Oh, you have to.
It's right in here.
- Oh, my God! I just remembered, we have reservations at Le Cigare Volant! - Oh, my God, you're right! - Gee, is that tonight? I nearly forgot.
- You're going too, Mr Crane? - Well, I promised the boys.
I don't suppose there's any way you guys would let me out of this.
- Well - You promised.
MARTIN: See, I tried.
Well, have fun.
I'm off to stick my head in the oven.
[LAUGHTER] Hello? Marshall? Yeah, I got rid of them.
You bring some wine, and I'll throw the steaks on.
[RESTAURANT CHATTER] Oh, dear Lord, it's rather busy.
Well, let's keep our fingers crossed.
- Francois! - Dr Crane, bonsoir! Bonsoir.
- Bonsoir.
- Bonsoir.
This is our father, Martin Crane.
- Monsieur Crane! - How you doing? Enchante.
Francois, I'm afraid we're at your mercy tonight.
You see, we have no reservations.
- Dr Crane, I will see what I can do.
- Thank you.
Anything would be just fine.
Thank you.
You know, come to think of it, we haven't been here since Chef Joachim had his pinkie grafted back on.
Oh, then this is your first time seeing our new artwork.
He's my own discovery.
His name is Cordoba.
- Exquisite! - Stunning! My God, I don't think I've ever seen such fearless use of colour.
You know, as usual, your taste is as fine as your cuisine.
Any luck? For you, yes.
For Dr Dubin, who brings his own wine, no.
- Good man! - Monsieur, follow me, please.
- Merci bien.
- Your table is ready.
- Thank you.
- You guys go ahead.
I gotta make a little visit to "le can.
" - That's our father.
- Doctor.
- Le menu.
- Merci.
- I will be back with the wine list.
- Lovely.
Wine list? My God, he ought to bring us blindfolds.
I mean, what is he thinking with this artwork? It's appalling.
Who was it that said, "Art in restaurants is on the same level with food in museums"? The little white lies one will tell for a good table, huh? Of course, I would compliment a black velvet Elvis right now if Chef Joachim's lobster comfit were at stake.
Frasier, that's Winship Cook.
She's one of the guests Maris and I are competing over.
I'm going to go woo her.
Oh, really, Niles, why don't you just reschedule your party? I don't want to give her the satisfaction.
She's pushed me around long enough.
- All right.
- Metaphorically.
In reality, she can hardly push at all.
Hence, that terrible afternoon last spring she spent trapped in the revolving door at Bergdorf's.
I hope there's something on there you like because dinner's on me tonight.
- What do you mean, Dad? - We had an agreement.
- Next time we went out, it's my treat.
- Well, Dad, when I said that - Hup, We're not discussing it.
- Yes, but Dad, it's rather pricey.
- Hup, you promised.
- Well, l I just don't - Hup! - All right.
All right.
You treat.
Thank you.
Now, don't worry about it.
Just order whatever you want.
Is this per person? The wine list, uh, doctor.
Thank you.
Thank you, Francois, but, you know what, we won't be having any wine tonight.
And I'm going out for a Big Mac after work.
No, I'm really being quite serious.
You see, my brother and I are watching our caloric intake tonight.
We'll be eating light.
As you wish, doctor.
I know what you're doing.
I'm not stupid.
- What are you talking about? - Eating light? All the way here you had the look that Eddie gets when he hears a can-opener.
Look, Dad, it's just that I'm not that comfortable ordering an expensive meal when you're paying.
What's the big deal? You take me to places like this.
I can afford it! I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that the way it sounded.
- I know how you feel.
- No, you don't.
You're always paying, and I'm never allowed to pay.
Well, it feels pretty lousy.
- Go ahead, Mr Big Shot, you pay.
- Dad Well, the good news is Winship has agreed to come to my party.
Bad news is I left my wallet at home, so, Frasier, I'm afraid this is on you.
- Actually, tonight's dinner is on Dad.
- No, you ruined it.
I'm not paying.
- Well, I'm not paying! - Well, I can't pay.
So that would be three Happy Meals to go? No, he never suspected a thing.
Yes, I had a great time too.
Oh, go on, Marshall, say it again.
Now say it how you said it last night, like Donald Duck.
Well, I guess it was the wine that made it funny.
They're back.
Yeah, I'll see you tonight.
- Hello.
- FRASIER: Oh, hello, Daphne.
Will you be favouring us with any English delicacies? Well, as a matter of fact, yes.
The butcher had some lovely calf stomachs, so I'll try my hand at haggis.
Even Hannibal Lecter couldn't keep that woman's cooking down.
Ah, Winship, so looking forward to seeing you at the party.
Oh, how dreadful.
Oh, you poor thing.
No, no, of course I understand.
The important thing is that you get better.
And you are a dear for calling.
You lying, two-faced cow! - So she's not really sick? - Oh, hardly.
Maris is luring away all my confirmed guests.
Suddenly there are accidents, deaths in the family, a wave of misfortune is sweeping through society's bluebloods at a rate unprecedented since the French Revolution.
Oh, great, you're back! Hey, listen, about last night at the restaurant, I'm really sorry.
Oh, no, Dad, look, it was my fault.
I should've been more gracious.
No, no, it was my fault.
I was the one who overreacted.
You know, I just really wanted to do something nice for you.
You know, the older you get, the harder it is to do stuff for your kids.
I understand.
I tell you what, the next three dinners, they're on you.
No, no, no.
I found something better than that.
I finally found something I know you're gonna like.
Now, just a minute.
Oh, this is gonna be so great! My God, I haven't seen him this excited since he got that four-in-one remote control.
It's a Cordoba.
Ole! You guys were raving about these paintings last night, so I went to the restaurant to find out where they got theirs.
And lucky me, the ones they had were for sale! Oh, Dad, this is awfully awfully - Expensive.
- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah, but it's worth it.
You know, you don't know how good this makes me feel.
After I'm gone, this'll still be here.
Hey, Daph, come here! Take a look at this.
Well, I'm very impressed, Mr Crane.
When did you have the time to do that? Oh, sure, like I could paint something like this.
You know, I was thinking maybe we could put it over the fireplace.
Yes, yes, the fireplace.
That's the first place I thought of too.
MAN: And lately I've had the chronic fluctuating mood disturbances that would indicate cyclothymic disorder.
I mean, the hypomanic symptoms are there, yet I've experienced moments of aphasia and apraxia.
And I just wanna pull my teeth out, Dr Crane.
What do you think? Well, Greg, two possible diagnoses come to mind: Either you are seriously mentally ill and you should be institutionalized immediately, or you are a first-year psychology student.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm at UW.
Yes, it's not uncommon for students to feel that they're manifesting symptoms that they are studying.
It'll pass.
- What'll I do till it passes? - Oh, just relax.
Well, it might be a good idea to postpone reading about male sexual disorder until after spring break.
That's all the time we have.
This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL-780.
- Good show.
- Well, thanks, Roz.
Say, Roz, if you're not busy, would you like to get a drink or something? You know, maybe see a movie? You pick, I'll pay.
You can stay out as late as you want, but eventually you have to go home, and that painting will still be there.
- You have to tell him.
- I can't, Roz.
You didn't see the look on his face when he gave it to me.
Frasier, have I ever told you about my ceramic hippo collection? - Oh, yes.
Many times.
- The hell I have.
Shut up and listen.
One Christmas my grandma sent me a ceramic hippo.
Roz, a hippo cannot possibly be as repellent as a rabid matador killing an epileptic bull.
Was the bull wearing a porkpie hat and fishing off a dock? - Continue.
- Okay.
I made the mistake of telling her how much I loved it.
Well, that just opened the floodgates.
I got ice-skating hippos and hula-hooping hippos.
Thank God for that earthquake! Oh, you mean, you mean they broke? Well, I assume they did when they hit the bottom of the garbage chute.
But I blamed it on the earthquake.
The point is you need to talk to your father now and be honest with him.
Or you'll be stuck with it till the next natural disaster.
Hell, you're right, Roz.
I guess I'll just have to tell him this afternoon.
Oh, Roz, that crystal vase I gave you three years ago for Christmas, you said that was broken in the earthquake.
Oh, no, no, no, that really was.
I was very disappointed.
As disappointed as you were when Eddie chewed up that sweater I gave you for Christmas.
- This year, liquor? - Deal.
- Oh, hi, Dad.
- Hey, Fras.
You know, I was just down in the storage room putting away some boxes.
Guess what I came across.
That That smoking jacket I gave you for Christmas last year.
- The shiny one? - Not shiny, Dad, silk.
I really I really missed the boat on that one, didn't I? You know, it's just, buying things for other people, - it's so hard sometimes, isn't it? - Yeah.
Hey, you want some pastrami? There's some more in the fridge.
No, thanks, Dad.
I don't really care for pastrami.
Isn't that funny, you know, you can love something so much, and I would find it distasteful.
- People have different tastes.
- Yeah.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Well, that's one way of looking at it.
Some people like pastrami, like me, other people don't.
They're nuts.
- Afternoon.
- Hey, Niles.
- Hi, Niles.
- Dad, Frasier, I'm here to pick up the punchbowl for my party.
Although at this point, a soup bowl might suffice.
Thanks to Maris, I'm down to three confirmed guests.
Three? Yesterday it was 12, wasn't it? She's circulating a vicious rumour that I'm going to have a karaoke machine.
You know, this vindictive behaviour of Maris' is completely out of line.
If you don't want her to continue with it, you should call her on the phone and confront her.
You're absolutely right.
It's time I took the bull by the horns.
Maris? Niles.
You may feel you've triumphed, but all you've done is shown yourself to be petty and uncivil.
Frankly, the only people lower than you are the fickle paramecia that deserted my party to attend yours.
Oh, I see.
Very well.
I'll see you at 8.
Can I bring anything? Thank God for the starch in that shirt, or there'd be nothing holding you upright.
Hey, Niles.
- Well, what's that? - It's a wine rack.
- Really? - Yeah.
I felt kind of bad about giving Frasier something and nothing for you, so I saw it at Price Busters.
Well, thank you for the thought, Dad, but it doesn't really fit in with the decor of my apartment.
Oh, okay.
Well, no harm done.
I'll take it back.
- Anybody want a beer? - No, thanks.
No, thanks, Dad.
Frasier, I no longer require your punchbowl, but may I borrow your blow dryer? Of course.
Why? Sven finished Maris' ice sculpture, and she's convinced she looks a bit hippy.
Dad? Are you sure Niles didn't just hurt your feelings now? No.
I'm glad he told me.
I don't wanna give him something he doesn't like.
That's very wise.
You know, it's important for fathers and sons to be honest with each other.
It shows respect.
You know, I've been thinking, Dad, about the painting.
You know, art, it's such a personal thing.
What one person may like, another may not.
It doesn't mean that one is right and the other is wrong.
You telling me you don't like the painting? Well, it's not that I don't like it, it's just I don't love it.
It's not me.
Not a problem.
You don't like it, I'll take it back.
Oh, thank God, Dad, thank you.
That's such a relief.
You know, I was up half the night worried about it, and I just Dad, are you all right? Well, I didn't upset you, did I? My God, Dad, are you crying? No, no.
Yes, you are! Yes, you are! I just saw you wipe your eyes.
No, I didn't.
I just Quit looking at me! Dad! Oh, my God! - I've made my father cry.
- Now, don't you start! Oh, God, I'm only crying because you're crying.
I'm not crying! I don't know what this is.
I didn't even cry when I got shot.
I didn't cry when you got shot, either.
I'm getting rid of that damn painting right now.
I just wish I knew why you told the waiter you loved it so much.
- I was lying to him! - Oh, you can lie to him, - but you can't lie to me?! - Please, please stop crying.
- I wanna keep it now.
- No, it's no good.
No, no, it is good.
It's very good.
I love it! Well, I found that Dad, are you crying? [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] Frasier, what happened? Oh, my God, you're crying too.
Why is everybody crying? You know how I get when other people cry.
Tell me what happened.
I made our father cry.
I'm not crying! Well, I am! - I'm the most ungrateful son there is.
- I can never do anything for my sons.
No one wants to come to my party! [WATER RUNNING] Dad? Frasier.
Don't you think we ought to talk about what happened? Nothing happened this afternoon.
Look, Dad, I know you're disappointed about the painting.
It's not a problem.
Well, look, you said yourself that it wasn't as easy for you to give me things as it was when I was a kid.
I wasn't very good at it then either.
Your mother always picked all your stuff out.
Still, you did put a roof over my head, sent me to school All right, all right.
You wanna talk about this? We'll talk about it.
Do people come to you after they've met me and say, "How can that guy be your father, he's nothing like you"? Well Because they've been saying that to me about you for the last 40 years.
I just thought, I don't know, that I'd finally given you something, something you liked, something we both liked.
Like we had something in common or something.
It's no big deal.
I'm tired.
I'm going to bed.
Dad, Dad, just hang on a second, will you? Do you remember a time when I was, oh, 6 or 7 years old? You were getting ready for work, and you were getting dressed, and I was playing with your badge? And you sat me down and you said that it was not a toy.
That it was a symbol of something very important of integrity and honesty and helping people.
Well, from then on, every time I'd see you put on that badge, I would, I would think of that.
I said it so you'd stop playing with the thing.
You were getting it all sticky.
Yeah, well, be that as it may.
I've tried to live up to your example, and help other people.
I've tried as a psychiatrist to conduct myself with the integrity that you showed as a police officer.
And when I find myself in a quandary as to the proper course of action, I think of you wearing that badge, and then I know what I have to do.
You gave me that.
Yeah? Yeah, Dad.
You know, I think I may have something else to give you, something that I know you'll really like.
MARTIN: I'll be back in a minute.
I've been holding on to this for quite a while now, waiting for the right time.
Oh, my goodness, Dad.
I'm speechless.
It's your ba Bolo tie! They gave it to your grandfather when he retired from the force.
When I graduated from the academy, he gave it to me, and now I'm giving it to you, and someday you'll give it to Frederick.
Well, I don't know what to say.
- You're not gonna start crying again.
- No, no, no.
It's just a surprise, that's all.
Hey, wait a minute.
You didn't think I was gonna give you my badge, did you? - Well, l - My badge?! That's a laugh! You'll have to pry that out of my cold, dead hands! It's a date!