Frasier s04e14 Episode Script

To Kill a Talking Bird

Oh, dear, your chair's got another big rip in the bottom.
MARTIN: Where? Hand me my reupholstery kit, would you? Thanks.
Oh, Dr Crane, don't you look smart.
I don't feel smart.
I've let Roz set me up on another one of her blind dates.
- Who's the lucky woman? - Oh, a friend from her aerobics class.
Well, perhaps it won't be too bad.
She's 32, has a terrific body, apparently thinks I'm God's gift to broadcasting.
Well, at least you have one thing in common.
When will you stop blighting the environment with this atrocity? [DOORBELL RINGS] My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
You know, I keep having this dream where you say the same words, only I'm in the hospital, and you're slipping the nurse a 20.
- Dad, that will never happen.
MARTIN: Thank you.
I have medical power of attorney.
It won't cost me a thing.
- Niles.
- Hello, Frasier.
We were in the neighbourhood for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap and we thought we'd stop by.
- Of course, the pedicure was for - Stop right there.
There's no way to finish that sentence that'll make me proud.
I have some wonderful news.
I just signed a lease for an apartment in one of the most exclusive buildings in Seattle.
- You don't mean? NILES: I do.
As of next week, I will be a resident of The Montana.
Niles, why would you even want to live in such a stodgy building? When I applied there they treated me like riffraff.
If you're gonna ask and answer your own questions, what do you need me for? The best part is I'll never have to give my address again.
From now on, I'll simply be Dr Niles Crane, The Montana.
DAPHNE: That's a lovely building.
I've only been there once, applying for a job.
Can't imagine anyone turning down a chance to hire you.
Well, I hope you're right.
I haven't heard yet.
Well, good night.
- Hey, Frasier, you don't think she? - Just relax, Dad.
It's just her way of angling for more vacation time.
But what if she isn't? They'd have to call me for a reference.
Either way, she's not going anywhere.
Gosh, that's uncanny, Dad.
- What is? - The way she's taken with you.
Look at that.
She's absolutely mesmerized.
- She is not.
- Oh, she is.
She's just playing hard to get.
Go to Grandpa.
Go to Grandpa.
Go to Grandpa.
Oh, hello, Grandpa.
Oh, yes.
Isn't she warm and cuddly? I see I'm going to have a tough time tearing the two of you apart.
FRASIER: I'm gonna go out on a limb.
The Montana doesn't accept pets, does it? On the contrary, they welcome them.
Just not cats or dogs.
Well, then you're in luck, because I don't know what the hell this thing is.
There's no way that dog is moving in here with us.
Please? At least if she's here, I'll be able to visit her.
I cannot turn her over to strangers.
She worships me.
FRASIER: Oh, please.
You must realize that that dog has no genuine affection for you.
You only pretend that she does because she's a canine substitute for Maris.
That is the most absurd psychobabble I have ever heard.
She's high-strung, cold to the touch and ignores you.
My God, stand her upright, take ten pounds off her, put her in a Chanel suit, what have you got? - I'm sorry, that's ridiculous.
- Is it really? All right, here.
Remember the little pillbox hat that Maris wore to the Duchamps wedding? NILES: Yes, well, I - Good morning.
- Hey, Frasier.
- So how did it go with Rita last night? - She didn't quite take to me.
Oh, you're just being hard on yourself like you always are.
FRASIER: You tell me.
Over appetizers, she suddenly realized she had a very early morning meeting, suggested that we skip the jazz club after dinner.
People have meetings.
When the waiter suggested a soufflë that would take an extra 30 minutes, she said, "Oh, dear God, no.
" She was probably on a diet.
After I dropped her off at home, I noticed that she'd left her suede jacket in my car.
I called to offer to swing it by, and she said, and I quote, "Just keep it.
" - What did you do to her? - Nothing.
God, Roz, I have had it.
You know, in the past six months I have done everything a man can possibly do to meet a woman.
Singles bars, blind dates, a lecture series at the museum.
I've even spent hours in the grocery store trying to look helpless in the produce department.
That's it.
I'm taking myself off the market.
Frasier Crane has thumped his last melon.
You know, Frasier Roz, Roz, please, I know what you're going to say.
I should climb back up on that horse.
I'm too great a catch to give up now.
- No, I think you should give up.
- What? Well, I don't really want to give up.
I was just saying that to get your sympathy.
Look, this happens sometimes.
When you're on a really bad streak, you start to get desperate.
Women can sense that.
They can smell it.
- Smell it? - Mm-hm.
And trust me, when a guy starts to get overeager, you know, like complimenting you too much or laughing too hard at all your jokes, you just wanna turn and run.
- I don't do that.
- Oh, honey, wake up and smell Well, yourself.
You just need to air it out a little bit.
And in my experience, the minute you stop looking, the perfect person falls right in your lap.
Well, Roz, as much as I appreciate you comparing me to a dead squirrel in a heating duct, I think you're wrong.
- Hey, Roz.
ROZ: Hey.
- I got that research you're looking for.
- Great.
- Hi, Dr Crane.
Wow, you look really lovely today, Christine.
It is Christine, isn't it? That's what it says on my driver's license.
[LAUGHING] FRASIER: That's very charming.
God, I reek, don't I? NILES: - With inlay of Philippine mahogany.
And we conclude our little tour back here in the living room.
Oh, it's very posh.
[DOOR BUZZES] Niles, why the bed in the living room? It's not a bed, Dad.
It's an antique fainting couch.
My goodness, they had furniture for everything back then, didn't they? Glad you made it.
Niles, this precious little building isn't as exclusive as you think.
Your doorman waved me right through.
- Well, that's because he knows you.
- Oh, a fan of my show? No, he lives in your building.
So, Niles, what'd you do about the dog? Oh, I found a wonderful family to adopt her.
Well, I'm sure it won't take you long to adjust to being alone again.
Actually, I won't have to.
Follow me.
There's someone I'd like you to meet.
It was love at first sight.
She's very exotic, only eats every other day, and she's so white, she's almost blue.
Well, I'm getting nervous.
That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris.
Everybody meet Baby.
BABY: I love you.
You bought a bird? Well, I started to think how quiet it would be around here, and, well, she is lovely, and she's so affectionate.
BABY: I love you.
She says that all the time.
I love you too, Baby.
I love you, Grandma.
She's still in transition from her last owner.
[DOOR BUZZES] Let go of my shoulder.
Let go of my shoulder.
Don't like that noise, do you, Baby? Well, here, go to your food.
Go to your food.
Oh, good girl.
Excuse me.
Oh, you know, I've always been fascinated by these birds that can actually learn how to talk.
Oh, they can't talk.
They just drill a few words into them at the pet shop, and then they never learn anything else after that.
It is attractive, though.
Yeah, well, that's the way they are.
Cute, but stupid.
BABY: Cute, but stupid.
Daphne, perhaps we should just leave these two alone.
I sense a real battle of wits shaping up here.
NILES: Thanks so much.
Well, I'm off to an auspicious start in the building.
One of my neighbours got my mail by mistake.
Look at those bills.
What must she think of me? But, Niles, everybody gets bills.
Not at The Montana.
They all have people.
Their bills go to their people.
I want them to think I have people too.
I used to have people, only they were Maris' people.
Niles, you keep this up, you won't even have the people who don't care you don't have people.
It just proves how essential it is to make a good first impression when you move into a new building.
Which is why I'm throwing a dinner party Friday night for a few select residents.
I'll show them such a good time, there'll be no question I belong.
- And I'm invited? - Yes, you are.
But I'm afraid you can't bring a date.
You know how I hate a crowded table.
That's quite all right.
I've taken myself off the dating circuit.
Afraid I was getting a bit desperate.
Well, I was a bit concerned when you called to ask if Gloria was our first or second cousin.
Hey, Niles, you gotta see this.
Your bird's eating peanut butter.
It's even funnier than when Eddie does it.
Dad! [DOOR BUZZES] Frasier, would you get that? And pretend you're my people.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I was looking for Dr Crane.
I found some more of his mail.
Oh, well, I'm a Dr Crane.
I'm Niles' brother.
Oh, my gosh.
You're Dr Frasier Crane from the radio, aren't you? - Oh, I love your show.
- Thank you.
- Stephanie Garrett.
- Stephanie.
You know, you are not gonna believe this, but when I was a freshman at Harvard, I saw you perform the Pirate King in their production of The Pirates of Penzance.
- Oh, my God.
- No, no, no, you were great.
I mean, you were so good that I brought my husband back to see you the next night.
Well, I mean, he wasn't my husband then.
Well, actually, he's not my husband now.
Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that.
Oh, no.
That you came back, you know, the second time, not that you have an ex-husband.
You know, I have one too.
Well, no Ex-wife.
- My God, is it getting warm in here? - Yeah, a bit.
- Well, it was nice to meet you.
- Right.
You know, Niles is having a dinner party on Friday with some of his enchanting new neighbours.
Is there a chance you could join us? Well, yes, I think I could if Niles has room.
The more the merrier.
Well, then, see you then.
- I'll look forward to it.
- As will I.
Roz was right.
When I stop looking for the perfect woman, she lands in my lap.
I hope you're comfortable with that arrangement, because that's where she'll be seated Friday night.
NILES: Bon appetit.
Bon appetit.
- Now you try it, Baby.
Bon appetit.
BABY: Bon appetit.
What a quick little study you are.
Birdbrained, indeed.
You already know more French than my father.
Boy, if you don't get used to that doorbell, we're going to have to give you a serious manicure.
I'm coming.
Stop ringing.
- Good evening.
- Hello.
Or should I say, "Avast ye, matey"? I don't have time for your badinage.
I'm only just setting out my place cards.
Place cards? Well, how elegant.
- And who is Peter Soutendeck? - He is on your right.
He's an investment banker from Amsterdam.
Apparently, he handles a lot of Bill Gates' money, so don't say anything derogatory about the Netherlands or Microsoft.
Damn, there goes my opening joke about the Dutchman trying to install Windows 95.
Stephanie's over here.
I'm not next to her.
See, Peter's bringing a date, so I thought it would be better if you - What are you doing? - I'm putting Stephanie next to me.
And throwing off my seating arrangement? Niles, surely you realize that I've spent a long time looking for a woman like Stephanie.
Now, if you really want to impress these people, you've got to get a little more atmosphere in the room.
- I'll light a fire.
You dim the lights a bit.
- Oh, that's a good idea.
By the way, be careful with that fireplace.
It can be a bit [BABY SQUAWKING] FRASIER: I'm so sorry.
Holding on a bit tight there, Baby, aren't you? Okay, go to your perch.
Go to your perch.
Frasier, this bird's holding onto my scalp.
L I can't pull it off.
If you can pull off that jaunty beret you wore to brunch last Sunday, you can pull anything off.
- I'm sorry.
Let me try to help.
- All right, be careful.
Let me see what I can do.
Maybe I can just get the legs.
- Ow! Ow! Stop it! Stop it! - It just doesn't It's stuck.
I know.
Get the lighter.
Fire frightened it onto my head, fire will frighten it off.
Let's try that.
[SQUAWKING] - It's not working.
- Yes, it is.
- Stop it.
Stop it.
- Oh, all right.
- Oh, here, the phone.
- Oh, excellent, excellent, excellent.
- Hop on, Baby, hop on.
- No, Niles, just call someone for help.
And whom do you suggest we call, a fez rental? Come on, Baby.
Go to your perch.
Go to your food.
Go to your bed.
- Niles, don't panic.
Try to stay calm.
- How can I stay calm? I have six dinner guests arriving [DOOR BUZZES] Ow! All right, listen.
You go call the vet.
I will take care of things out here.
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
Please come in.
- I'm not early, am I? - No, no, not at all.
- May I get you a drink? - Yes, a white wine, please.
- Oh, what a lovely table.
- Yes.
Yes, I noticed that we happen to be sitting next to one another.
Then I won't have to change the place cards around.
Oh, well To the girl next door.
Well, actually, it's a little further down the hall.
Well, if you need a ride home tonight, don't hesitate to ask.
[DOOR BUZZES] NILES: Ow! What was that? Well, I'm afraid Niles probably burned himself on something.
Don't worry.
He'll be fine.
Oh, please, do come in.
I'm Frasier Crane, Niles' brother.
I'm Carol Larkin.
My husband Alfred.
This is our niece, Wella.
A pleasure.
Nice to see you.
Please make yourselves comfortable.
I'm just going to run into the kitchen and check on the bird.
So you've seen this sort of thing before.
I see.
- All right, well, thank you.
- What did he say? Well, he thinks she was traumatized by the fire and went into a kind of shock.
He said we shouldn't try to force her off.
We need to relax her.
Fine, you take care of that.
I've got the future Mrs Crane in the other room.
- How do I relax this bird? - I don't know.
Try delivering that keynote speech you gave at the Psychiatric Association last spring.
Everything all right out here? - Will Dr Crane be joining us soon? - Oh, yes, I believe so.
Any minute now.
[DOOR BUZZES] NILES: Ow! - Oh, dear, is something wrong? I keep telling him, "Get yourself a decent oven mitt," but, you know Hello.
Please come in.
I'm Frasier, Niles' brother.
- Peter Soutendeck.
- Peter.
- This is Elaine Hensley.
- Elaine.
Actually, your brother and I are well acquainted.
Maris is a dear, dear friend of mine.
- Really? - Yes.
So where is Niles? Well, actually, he's in the kitchen preparing dinner.
He's favouring us tonight with a lovely pheasant.
[BABY SQUAWKS] As you know, he is a stickler for freshness.
Oh, what now? I'm trying to pretend like it's night so it'll fall asleep.
Well, you look very cute.
BABY: Cute, but stupid.
Listen, I can't stall them much longer.
They're starting to ask questions.
The Dutchman's date even knows Maris.
- What? Who'd he bring? - An Elaine somebody.
Well, which Elaine? Maris knows three Elaines.
Oh, I don't know.
She's very thin, she's exquisitely dressed and dripping with attitude.
Oh, like that narrows it down.
I was afraid of that.
It's the bad Elaine.
Maris' oldest friend.
Nothing would delight her more than report back to Maris that I threw a soiree with a cockatoo on my head.
BABY: Bon appetit.
- What was that? - Bon appetit.
Crab puffs for everyone.
Bon appetit.
At which point, the woman said to Churchill, "Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee.
" To which Churchill saucily replied, "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
" Perhaps you've heard that story.
From Churchill.
Well, can I freshen anyone's drink? Perhaps I'll just bring the bottle around.
I didn't realize that you were gonna have to play host all night.
I mean, we've hardly had a chance to talk, and I'm afraid I'm gonna have to make it an early night.
- Oh, no, really? - Yes, I'm leaving for Paris first thing in the morning, and I was really hoping that we could spend some time alone.
And so we shall.
As of this moment, it's just the two of us.
I'm completely at your disposal just after this.
Elaine, can I get you something? Actually, I just thought I'd see what Niles is up to in there.
Perhaps I could be of some help.
Well, you know, you could pour the wine.
What are you doing now? You're ruining my chances with Stephanie.
Yes, that was my first concern too.
You can't abandon me just because you're hoping Stephanie's as horny as you are.
You've got to help me.
I suggest that first you get to the vet and have that removed.
Are you mad? I can't walk in there with this on my head.
I'd be the laughingstock of The Montana.
You can't spend all night in the kitchen.
Frasier, these people live for gossip.
I've only been here three days.
Already I know that Peter's a letch and Carol's a lush.
What do you think they'll say about me? I've spent 45 minutes with these people.
They happen to be very kind, understanding, and I think they'll be very sympathetic to your problem.
- Really? - Yes.
- You don't think they'd laugh at me? - No, I don't.
But if you stay in here, they'll think you're rude, ill-mannered, and dare I say it, a bad host.
Very well.
I'll go out there.
But if they ridicule me, let it be on your head.
Everyone, excuse me.
There's been a little mishap.
Niles is going to have to go to the doctor.
It's nothing serious, he just has to have something removed.
You see, his bird suffered a kind of trauma and has attached itself to the scalp, and we were just thinking that we'd hate to cancel dinner, but Frasier, this isn't necessary.
Let's just go.
Good evening, everyone.
I'm very sorry for all of this.
Niles, you mean all this time you were hiding in there because of your bird? Oh, you poor thing.
You know, the same thing happened to my mother once, only with her cat.
Now, that was a sight.
Who hasn't had an embarrassing moment at a party? Look, I've just spilled wine on my dress.
This is such a relief.
I must say, I feel a little silly for staying in there so long.
Are you in any pain? No, no, as long as no one rings the doorbell, I'm fine.
Well, you know, Niles, you seem to be relaxing a bit.
Maybe the bird will relax and Should we give this another minute or two? ALL: Yes.
Well, all right then, who needs more wine? Alfred, wine for you.
And would anyone like cheese or a cracker? No, no, Baby, guests first.
Oh, Carol, that dress is absolutely smashing.
- Why, thank you.
BABY: Carol's a lush.
Did the bird just say something? It sounded like it said BABY: Carol's a lush.
Where would a bird learn a phrase like that? Birds today.
You just don't know where they pick things up.
Well, shall we all join Peter at the table? BABY: Peter's a letch.
- What did you say? - I said, let's all sit down.
BABY: Peter's a letch.
Is this your idea of a joke? I've had quite enough of this.
Come along, Carol.
No, please, people, don't go.
I did not teach the bird these phrases.
I don't know where it picked them up.
You'll stay, won't you, Stephanie? BABY: Stephanie's horny.
Oh, my God, is that what you've been saying about me behind my back? No, I never said that about you.
I said it about me.
I'm the horny one.
All I said was, you're very cute.
Cute, but stupid.
Well, thank you both for a wonderful evening.
- Good night.
- Please let me explain.
I know we got off on the wrong foot, but we are going to be neighbours [DOOR BUZZES] - Well, thank you very much.
- Oh, please.
- I've lost far more than you did.
- Oh, really? I've lost the most promising romantic prospect I've had in years.
What have you lost? The respect of a posh lush and a Dutch letch.
Try repeating that, Baby.
All right.
I apologize.
Thank you.
Perhaps I can drive you to the vet now.
Maybe we should take the service elevator.
Oh, what's the point? I don't think my reputation can suffer any more than it already has.
I wouldn't be so sure about that, wearing a white bird after Labour Day.