Frasier s05e24 Episode Script

Sweet Dreams

That's it fortoday, Seattle.
This is Doctor Frasier Crane wishing you good day and good mental health.
Move it.
Person waiting for the booth here.
That is not amusing in the men's room.
It's not amusing now.
- All ready then, Bulldog? - What are you two doing? We're recording an ad for a new sponsor.
By the way, Roz, baby or no baby, your ass has never looked better.
Shut up.
- How sick is that? - He's just being Bulldog.
No, that I liked hearing it.
- Hi, I'm Bulldog Brisco.
- And I'm Gil Chesterton.
When Bulldog and I are out together - Whether it's at the opera.
- Or rooting our Mariners to victory.
We always round out the evening with a nice, relaxing cup of Happy Dreams Tea.
We're making some right now.
How many lumps do you like, Gil? One, please.
Ouch! Gets me every time.
Happy Dreams Tea.
One cup, you'll have happy dreams the whole night through.
One take.
My "ouch" could be a bit more convincing.
We'll splice that in later.
- What was that? - It's the new station manager's idea.
He's getting on-air talent to record commercials for sponsors.
Are you disappointed he didn't ask you to do it? About as disappointed as when that hypnotist picked them to come up and groom each other like monkeys.
Yeah, you really lucked out.
He didn't make you do anything silly.
No, sir.
Daphne, what're you doing here? Dr Crane's car's in the shop, so I'm a chauffeur.
- There's a rally on Pike Street.
- What sort of rally? They're trying to save a bookstore from being torn down.
Not Hirsch and Sons? - They want to build a strip mall.
- That's a Seattle landmark.
My God, Mark Twain gave a reading there.
I know that place.
I had a boyfriend who liked to make out in the occult section.
I'm terribly upset about this.
We'll go down there and join that rally.
Good for you.
I refuse to stand by while some bully rides roughshod over the little people.
- I don't want to go to a rally.
- Tough luck.
You're the chauffeur.
This is rather exciting.
I never thought you to be the protest kind.
I was quite the activist in my college days.
Nothing like throwing in with a band ofyoung rebels thumbing their noses at convention.
Did you go for the whole package? Long hair, beads? No, I did have a pair of psychedelic suspenders that raised an eyebrow.
This seems good, don't you think? Hey, this is great.
Hey, look, everybody, it's Dr Frasier Crane.
Good to see you.
- Would you like to say a few words? - Well, all right.
I'll keep it simple.
Be strong, people.
Our cause is just.
To the barricades.
This is sort offun, isn't it? People, this is your final warning.
- What's that? - It's the police.
Disperse now, or we will take action.
- What do you they mean by that? - We're not going anywhere, are we? - Are they talking about a jail thing? - Who knows? Exciting, isn't it? They'll have to drag us out of here.
They don't actually drag people away anymore, do they? Cos they're too afraid to arrest us, aren't they? Now you're just provoking them.
All right, people, you had your warning.
They weren't kidding.
There go the first lucky martyrs to our cause.
At the rate they're dragging people away, there'll be nobody left to protest.
I better get reinforcements.
Dr Crane, where are you going? Solidarity, brothers.
- Hello, Niles.
- I hope you're free tonight.
I just secured a table at the most exclusive new restaurant in Seattle.
- I'm not in the mood.
- At least hear me out.
This place is the hottest new thing in fusion cuisine.
What cuisines are being fused? Polynesian and Scandinavian.
It's called Mahalo Valhalla.
Perhaps there's a reason God put those two countries so far apart.
My gourmet newsletter gave three and a halfwhisks to their coconut herring.
I'm sorry, Niles.
Tonight's just a bad night.
Daphne's been hauled down to jail.
Dad's down there trying to bail her out.
- What? - They should be home any minute.
It's just that she was down at that rally for Hirsch and Sons bookstore.
The worst part of it is I convinced her to go.
When they started hauling people away, I chickened out and ran.
- You left her there? - It was a shameful performance.
But I did clear that hedge in front of Emerson's Funeral Home Iike a Kentucky show horse, but What has happened to me, Niles? I used to be so courageous, to fight for things.
When did I become so middle-aged, so timid? Don't be so hard on yourself.
We all get a bit more cautious as we get older.
Not me.
God, it was only five years ago I packed up my whole life in Boston, moved across the country to start over.
That took real courage.
Now, the biggest risk I take is saying to Dad, "Let's go out to dinner.
You pick the restaurant.
" Daphne, it's so good to have you home safe and sound.
Sod off.
- She's a little mad at you.
- Yes, thank you, Dad.
Daphne, I am so sorry.
I feel just terrible.
As you should.
You left me handcuffed and helpless.
Ifyou're ever in that position again, be sure to call on me.
For help.
Thank you, Dr Crane.
Shame on you, Dr Crane.
Why can't you be more like Dr Crane? It took me six hours to get her out.
In my days cops could count on a few perks.
No speeding tickets.
Get your friends out of jail fast.
It's all gone to hell.
Let's hope they never do away with that "all jewellery up for grabs in the morgue" policy.
I'm not letting this dinner reservation go to waste.
Frasier? - Thanks anyway, Niles.
- Very well.
Dad, what about you? Maybe I will come and get a bite with you.
Sitting around six hours in that station house, I could eat anything.
- Let's go, then.
- I can't wait.
Where are we going, anyway? Hello? Yes, I'd like to order a large pizza.
What toppings? Just a second.
Dad, what do you want on your pizza? - Pepperoni.
- Pepperoni, please.
We've been fighting a lot and she's neverin the mood for sex.
I think she's having an affair.
Let's not give in to paranoia.
Just because your wife is avoiding sex doesn't mean she's being unfaithful.
You said you haven't been talking lately.
Why don't you try re-opening the lines of communication tonight by surprising herwith a nice, romantic dinner? Tonight's no good.
She's working late on herboss'boat again.
But tomorrow's OK.
Thanks, Dr Crane.
Roz, what do you say we turn things over to our eye on the sky, Chopper Dave, with the traffic report? I want to introduce you to our new station manager, Kenny Daly.
It's a pleasure.
No, it's my pleasure.
I have to say, I'm just a huge fan.
I only had this reaction once before.
You ever hear of Norman Mailer? Of course, the author.
No, I'm talking about the drive-time guy, worked out of Tampa? "Norman in the Mornin"'.
So funny you'd pray for traffic.
I'll try to catch him the next time I'm in Tampa.
In the mornin'.
- It's been great meeting you.
- You, too.
I got a call from the Happy Dreams Tea people.
They had spots scheduled for your first hour and you forgot to read them.
I didn't forget.
I looked at the copy and I couldn't read it.
Why not? Well, just listen to this.
"One cup of Happy Dreams Tea and you'll have happy dreams all night.
" Dreams are a by-product of unresolved emotion.
No tea can promise happy dreams.
I totally get that.
Our ad revenues are down and they're a major new sponsor.
I promised them that you'd read the ads this hour.
As a psychiatrist, I can't.
They promise something impossible.
Now I understand.
What if we just think of it more as a slogan? But it's not a slogan.
If l, as a doctor, read it, - it sounds like medical advice.
- OK.
Now, totally get it.
Instead of saying Dr Frasier Crane, don't say "doctor".
I'm not making myself clear here.
Let's try this.
I will never read this copy.
This is the part of my job I hate.
You take a stand like that and I totally respect it, by the way, and you force my hand.
That's our biggest sponsor.
Unless you go on the air and read that ad, I have to fire you.
Ten seconds, Frasier.
I didn't realise you felt so strongly about it.
I guess I have no choice.
Thanks, Dr Crane.
What a relief.
Hello, Seattle.
The people who know me best will not be surprised by what I'm about to tell you.
I am not a man who betrays his principles.
I am not a man who misleads his listeners and I am not a man who will shrink from a fight.
Today, I find myself in a fight over the content of my show.
But rather than truckle to the forces of commercialism, I've decided to take a stand on principle, even it means - I'm not on the air, am l? - No.
He put on the Best of Crane.
- How much did I get out? - Well, let's see.
People who know me best will not be surprised by what I'm about to tell you.
I am not a man Perfect.
So they fired you? Yes.
And I must say it feels good to take a stand like this.
I feel like my old self again.
I'll tell you one thing, I don't envy Kenny.
Feeling the cold stares ofthe other employees because he's fired the station's most popular personality.
He fired Tooty the Story Lady, too? Very funny, Niles.
Who would have thought that getting fired can make one feel so alive? What do you want? Another staring contest, I suppose? Well, you picked the wrong day for that.
Take that.
- Frasier, what are you doing home? - Dad, brace yourself.
The station fired me.
So you'll be seeing me this time every day.
That's terrible.
- I assume you mean the firing part.
- Well, yeah.
So what happened? They asked me to violate a principle I believe in and I refused.
I'm proud ofyou.
What did theywantyou to do? There's this product and theywanted me to say it gives people happy dreams.
And? I couldn't make a claim like that.
All commercials promise things they can't deliver.
That may be Like cologne driving women wild.
I used it all my life and never had a single woman come on to me.
- Except that year I worked in Vice.
- Yes, I understand.
- But that wasn't about cologne.
- Yes, I understand.
- They were hookers.
- I realise that! Frasier, don't be angry with me, but I do have one theory.
I was wondering when you'd get around to that so, allow me.
I was so ashamed of my chickening out at the rally that I grabbed at the first fight that came my way.
It turned out to be the wrong fight and I lost my job.
So if you follow that theory through to the end, this heady feeling of euphoria I'm experiencing right now is nothing more than a deep-seated denial.
- So have you considered it? - Not for a second.
I know I'm the last person you want to see, but since I fired you, I haven't been able to eat or sleep.
Kenny, it's only been an hour and a half.
Well, I'm a napper.
I was wrong.
I just fired a man who was willing to go to the mat for his principles.
What does that say about mine? Before I go on, have you had any job offers? He's had four.
Shut up.
I'm still technically available.
I'd like you to come back to work.
I'm calling the Happy Dreams people and telling them you're uncomfortable with their ads.
At KACL, the talent comes first.
Well, what can I say but see you tomorrow.
This is so great.
I'm so relieved.
Can I buy you a beer just to show we have no hard feelings? I would love that.
As long as I don't have to endorse it afterwards.
I guess I had that one coming.
Nice meeting you.
Good afternoon, Seattle, this is Dr Frasier Crane and I would like to begin today by apologising for my abrupt departure from the airwaves yesterday.
You see, I was embroiled in a conflict with the management.
I'm happy to report it's been resolved, thanks to the efforts of our new station manager, a courageous and principled young man, Ken Daly.
I won't bore you with all the details, but he took on the big guys and won.
Anyway, I apologise for our brief interruption yesterday and I assure you that today's will be even briefer.
Roz, let's go to commercial.
- Kenny, what's going on? - It's the darndest thing.
I got fired.
What? Well, how did that happen? I told the sponsors you wouldn't be reading their ads.
Then I'm called into Mr Martin's office in the Black Tower.
I said sponsors are easier to replace than talent.
He said I was easier to replace than anybody.
Then he called me a pinhead and took my Coke away.
That's terrible.
Kenny, I can't help feeling that this is all my fault.
These things happen.
If I've got to get fired sticking up for someone, I'm honoured it was for you.
At least now I'll have time to finish building that nursery.
We're expecting.
There's my wife now.
She'll get a kick out ofthis coincidence.
Me and her getting fired in the same week.
- May l? - Of course.
- We have got to get Kenny's job back.
- How are we supposed to do that? We'll just round up all the talent, go down to Mr Martin and demand that he rehire Kenny.
He owns the station.
We can't give him an ultimatum.
It's not an ultimatum.
We'll appeal to his sense of decency.
Kenny went to bat for me.
Kenny hasn't asked for our help.
For all we know, he'll be fine.
How do you like that? She's having twins.
Heck of a time for me to lose my insurance.
Well, you guys take care.
Together we can do this.
The important thing is to present a united front.
What is the matter with you people? We're frightened.
- Ofwhat? - Of everything.
We're in the Black Tower.
Those lobby guards must have been seven feet tall.
And that metal detector we had to go through was scary.
It was even scarier finding out Gil wears an anklet.
Get off the elevator, all of you! I'm ashamed of you.
Intimidated by a building.
We're here for Kenny, the man who wants to start KACL daycare, Roz.
The man who approved the airbrushing charges on your publicity photos, Gil.
And, Tooty, who was it that just doubled the Story Time puppet budget? I know Kenny's a great guy but I met Joe Martin once.
He was a very scary man with eyes as cold as a winter night All right, Tooty.
Mr Martin.
- Do you have an appointment? - My name is Dr Frasier Crane.
I am here with some talent from KACL.
My producer, Roz Doyle.
Gil Chesterton, food critic.
Bob Brisco, sports.
Tooty Feingold, the Story Lady.
Ray Schmidt, the Green Grocer and Miss Judy, arts and crafts.
Sorry, Judy, I don't know your last name.
I'm in the middle of a board meeting.
This will only take a moment.
This morning you fired Kenny Daly, a wonderful station manager and a man of integrity.
That is a very rare quality in this industry.
You fire all the Kenny Dalys, what are you left with? A bunch of sycophants and yes-men.
Am I right? Now it would be a great risk to hire Kenny back.
But a man that stops taking risks in life pays a very dear price indeed.
I know whereof I speak.
And I can see that I'm getting through to you, so let me just leave you with one last question.
What kind of radio station do you want? Dr Crane, that is the exact question I've been asking myself all through that board meeting.
As you know, our ratings are down, and the number crunchers in there think they can fix it by sucking up to our sponsors.
Well, that's not what I think.
Thanks to you, I'm going with my gut on this one.
- You bet you are.
- I'm going to go in there and tell them we're doing it my way.
No more talk.
No, no more talk radio.
From this moment on, the station is all Latino music, all the time.
- I beg your pardon? - Thank you, Dr Crane.
I'm going back to my roots.
I may have walked out ofthat meeting Joe Martin, corporate sell-out, but I'm walking back in José Martinez, risk taker.
- What just happened? - You just got us all fired.
- What did you say? - All right, don't panic!