Frasier s06e06 Episode Script

Secret Admirer

I just had the most wonderful time today.
Me too.
It's funny, isn't it? We worked together all that time, and we never dated before this.
- Well, anyway.
I was - Hey, Frasier.
- Nancy, hi.
- Roz.
- Hi.
- So are you back to work yet? Almost.
I start at KNFS tomorrow.
So, Roz, Nancy and I are having coffee.
Oh, none for me, thanks.
Listen, can I have a fat-free muffin, please? Nancy, I've been dying to call you.
My cousin just moved to town, and I think he'd be perfect for you.
Actually, I just started seeing someone.
Well, you'll forget all about him when you meet Chuck.
He is so handsome and rugged, and he loves the outdoors Kindly leave him there.
You see, the person that Nancy is seeing is me.
Really? - You two are dating? - Even as we speak.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
Oh, well, good for you.
I mean, who needs Chuck when you've got the? Well, the anti-Chuck.
When my muffin gets here, could you send it over? You won't even see it coming.
Well, where were we? I think you were about to ask me out again.
Oh, my gosh.
So I was.
Well, let's just see how far this ESP of yours goes.
What night was I thinking of? - Friday night.
- Astonishing! Busboy, clear these spoons before she starts bending them.
Frasier, I'm so glad you're here.
- Niles.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Niles Crane.
I think we've met.
Nancy Cavanaugh.
I used to work at KACL.
- Oh, of course.
Talking business? - Well, actually, no Oh, good.
I was afraid I was interrupting something.
Feast your eyes on this.
Financial settlement? Good Lord, Niles, you and Maris have come to terms? What was that? I couldn't hear over the angels singing.
Well, congratulations.
Oh, that is exciting.
My brother's been going through a rather rancorous divorce.
- You must be very relieved.
- I'll say.
It's cost me a fortune already.
If she dragged it out any longer, I'd be literally bankrupt.
Well, I'm sure you've got some celebrating to do, so off you go.
I cannot wait until I am done with this.
I have to sign, get her to do the same, and then I can take my seat on the freedom train.
Well, all aboard! It's a funny thing.
One day, you're starting a new relationship full of hope.
The next you're sinking helplessly into a sucking pit of despair.
Leaves you filled with the bitter bile of regret.
You're on a date, aren't you? - It's hard to say at this point.
- I am so sorry.
Oh, it's all right.
I have to go anyway.
- It was nice seeing you again.
- Yes, you too.
- Frasier, I am so sor - What the hell is wrong with you? Here we are.
- We're on for Friday night? - Yes, of course we are.
You know, I was wondering, maybe we could just Have dinner at your place? Well, yes.
That's amazing.
You read my mind again.
I thought it would be more comfortable.
We could curl up on the couch, make a nice fire Can you guess what I'm thinking now? Oh, you are good, aren't you? - Hey, guys.
- Hey there.
- Who won the squash game? - It's not about winning or losing, - it's about the thrill of competition.
- Congratulations, Niles.
Thanks, Dad.
Pumped as I was, I don't think anybody could've beat me today, even an actual athlete.
- Sherry, Niles? - Yes, thank you.
Maris and I have reached a financial settlement.
Oh, that's great! This is wonderful.
Well, as wonderful as the tragic ripping apart of two lovers once bound in a sacred union can be.
- No, it's brilliant, Dr.
- Thanks, Daphne.
As long as you're doing the laundry, - let me throw in my gym towel.
- All right.
If you've got a couple of minutes, I can also give you these squash togs.
Oh, let's save some of the fun for tomorrow.
What's this? Cartier? - Niles, did you put this in there? - No.
Somebody must have slipped it in my bag when we were at the court.
That's odd.
I don't remember anyone touching our things other than the valet and Jaime, the squash porter.
Boy, you boys really work up quite a sweat down there, don't you? Oh, my goodness.
Niles, look at this.
Cuff links! They're beautiful.
There's a card in here.
Let's see.
"I still think of you constantly.
I was wrong to ever let you go.
Do you believe in second chances?" - It's unsigned.
- "Wrong to let you go.
" It sounds like it's from someone who dumped you.
Well, that's no short list now, is it? Maybe it's that Sonia woman he was going out with.
- Yeah, wasn't there a sister too? - And a niece.
He went through that family like a recessive gene.
Yes, well Not to disrupt the think tank, but there is an easy way to find out.
I'll just make a few well-placed enquiries and see where I get a nibble.
Oh, yes.
There's a group of people that might regret having left Club Frasier before last call.
Oh, yeah, Patricia.
And there's, oh, Susan, yes.
Oh, boy Frasier, all during squash the whole thing you talked about was this wonderful woman in your life.
You're gonna drop her to chase after someone else? I'm not dropping Nancy.
I'm just - Weighing your options? - Well, all right.
So, what if I am? I don't believe this.
Niles, all of my life I have dreamt of the day when I would be pursued by more than one woman.
What man hasn't? Do you blame me for enjoying it now that the day is here? All my whole life I had to listen to you whine about your dating woes.
You have a chance for something good.
You're gonna risk it? - You're jealous, that's what.
- I am not jealous.
- You're foolish.
- Come on.
- Dad, don't you agree? - Let's ask Dad.
What do you think? Oh, no, don't drag me into this.
I learned when you were kids to stay out of it whenever you started fighting.
I'd just wait till the whole thing ended, usually in tears, and then I'd take you both out for ice cream.
That was my job, ice-cream man.
Yeah, I suppose fathers are the same everywhere.
Mine couldn't bear to see us fight.
If there was so much as a peep out of us, he'd be out the door to the pub, stay for a few hours, sometimes overnight.
When they brought him back the next morning, we couldn't fight because of his headaches.
I suppose that was part of his plan to keep harmony in the family.
God bless him.
Oh, Daphne, wait up.
I'll ride down with you.
Frasier, you have a chance for something real with Nancy.
Only a fool would throw that away chasing after some - It's here! - Oh, oh, wait for me.
- Pie in the sky.
What an idiot.
Tatiana? Frasier Crane calling.
Yes, pick up if you're there.
Well, I guess I've missed you.
The question is: Have you missed me? - Oh, hi, Frasier.
- Hi, Roz.
- Why so glum? - Why else? The weekend's starting again, and I don't have a date.
Do you know how long it's been since? You know.
I probably forgot how.
Oh, no, Roz.
I'm sure it'll come back to you.
It's just like riding a bicyclist.
You're in the same boat.
Why don't you come over, hang out with me and Alice? I'll rent a movie.
We can order pizza.
I'd love to.
Just, I've got a date with Nancy.
- That's still going on? - Yes.
In fact, we're going out tonight on our third date.
You know the kind.
It's like one of your first dates.
- Well, I gotta go.
- All right.
You're Dr.
Crane, right? - Yes, I am.
Can I help you? - A woman dropped this off for you.
Oh, my gosh.
It must be another gift from my secret admirer.
- You've got a secret admirer? - Yes, I do.
In fact, the other day she sent me these cuff links.
At least, I think it's the same woman.
Unless a third person has thrown her hat into the ring.
Oh, my God.
You have two women? - At least.
- And you're juggling them, and you're getting jewellery? Why is that so hard to believe? Well, I guess since they cloned that sheep, anything's possible.
- Hey, Roz.
Hey, Fras.
- Oh, hey, Frasier.
- Dad, Niles.
- What is this? Oh, not another gift from your mystery woman.
Yes, indeed, it is.
Oh, my God.
It's a Patek Philippe pocket watch.
That is stunning! I almost bought one like that on my honeymoon.
Only, Maris thought it was impractical so we got that glockenspiel instead.
So who do you think this stuff is from? Gosh, I haven't smoked her out yet, but she certainly has exquisite taste.
Doesn't have a bad eye for jewellery either.
He was like this last night.
It was all I could do to keep my beer down.
Well, lookie there.
No, no, no, Dad.
That's Tina Dalton.
We dated last summer.
And now, it turns out she's in the café just as this little bauble arrives.
Coincidence? I think not.
Frasier, before you go over there I've had enough of your finger-wagging.
I am doing what any red-blooded American man would.
There's nothing wrong with playing the field.
Looks like you've been eating the field.
What did you have for lunch? Pesto.
Oh, my God.
All right, I better go freshen up.
Look at this mess.
You know, it's too bad it's not bubblewrap.
You don't know what funny is until you see Eddie go at a sheet of that stuff.
He gets all scared, runs away, and then screws up his courage and comes back again.
And he runs away again.
Yes, I watched him for an hour one time.
You know, it's amazing how entertained you can be by something so simple.
Oh, my What is it? This card that came with the gift, Frasier must not have noticed it.
"Missing you every moment, my dear, sweet Niles.
" - Do you realise what this means? - Well, yeah.
You're the one with the secret admirer.
And a pretty nice watch too! Well, I don't get this.
How could this happen? Well, the other gift was left in Frasier's squash bag, which is exactly like mine.
And I guess today the waitress must've mistaken Frasier for me.
- You don't suppose it's Daphne.
- Yeah, she took the second job washing that old Mrs.
Lumpkin's hair just so she could give you Cartier.
Besides, the note says it's someone you've been with.
There have been so few women since Maris.
There were so few women before Maris.
- Hence, there was Maris.
- I bet it is Maris.
You said you saw that watch on your honeymoon.
Oh, that's That's absurd.
Dad, we're in the process of finalizing a divorce Excuse me, miss? Do you remember the woman who brought this box in? Yeah, she was a very well-dressed and really, really thin.
Well, that could be a lot of people.
She just dropped off the gift and then ordered a whole-milk mocha with whipped cream and chocolate shavings.
- Oh, thank God.
That's not her.
- Yeah, it was really weird, though.
She took a really long whiff of it, and then just handed it back.
Well, thank you, Marta, you've been very helpful.
Well, turns out Schenkman dropped Maris, - and now she wants me back again.
- Well, that was fun.
We had a little catching up to do, but it turns out she wasn't the woman sending gifts.
Yeah, we know.
The gifts are from Maris.
Maris is my secret admirer? - No, she sent them to me.
- But they're? Schenkman dumped her and she wants me back.
- How do you feel about this? - Well, frankly, I feel a little injured.
I thought I had a secret admirer.
Well, no matter, I do have a date with Nancy tonight.
You know, it's our third date.
I was talking to Niles.
I guess I'll just have to go over and talk to Maris and set her straight.
I don't know if that's a very good idea.
Well, I'm up to my ears in debt.
I need her to sign this settlement.
She'll never do that if there's hope - of us getting together.
- It just seems dangerous to me, confronting her when she's so vulnerable, don't you agree? Don't ask me.
I'm just the ice-cream man.
Thanks a lot.
Niles, I think this whole pursuit of you has been brought on by a panicked reaction to Schenkman dumping her.
You know, give her a few days, she'll probably realise that herself.
- That's when you should approach.
- I can't wait.
Do you have any idea how insulting it is that she thinks she can buy me with trinkets? I am this close to being free, financially and emotionally.
- I'm going to settle this right now.
- Niles, I just think you should wait.
Oh, God.
Well, he certainly dashed out of here in a hurry.
- I suppose that's a good thing though.
- Yeah, he's not gonna back down.
That, and he forgot these cuff links.
I've got a date tonight.
Oh, Daphne, thanks again for taking Dad over to Niles' for me.
I mean, I would do it myself, but since you are going out I'm going to a party three floors down from here.
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.
I didn't mean for you to miss any of the fun.
Dad, shake a leg.
Daphne's in a hurry.
You know, I'm really glad he's going over there.
No idea what condition Niles will be in after Maris.
Yeah, it's a shame about Dr.
And Mrs.
It seems so difficult these days to make something last.
To find someone to grow old with and share all of life's little details.
I only hope someday I'll find that kind of intimacy.
I'm sure you will, Daphne.
Daphne, where the hell is my scarf? - In your sleeve where it always is.
- Oh, all right.
Come on, let's get going.
There's construction by the waterfront.
We're not going that way, we're taking my shortcut.
I know your shortcuts, and the waterfront's faster.
Now, don't start with me.
Don't you start with me, or I'll leave you here.
Oh, hi, how are you doing? Come on in.
And we're turning on my radio station in the car.
It's better than listening to you talk.
- Is this a bad time? - No, no, no, that's a bad time.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Boy, you look sensational.
- Thank you.
So do you.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Can I interest you in a glass of wine? - Perfect.
- Lovely.
- I've been here before, you know.
Two years ago for your Christmas party.
- Really? - I don't remember this chair.
Oh, well, normally there's something draped over it, my father.
Oh, there's a message on your machine.
Must've come in while I was cooking dinner.
I mention it because I gave my secretary your number so she can call about tomorrow morning's conference in case, you know, I don't find my way home tonight.
Oh, well, you just reverse the directions I gave you earlier Feel free to check the machine if you like.
I'll just go stir the risotto.
Frasier, this is Cheryl returning your call and no, I didn't send you anything.
I thought I told you when we broke up: It's over.
Boy, is that old message still on there? Cheryl and I broke up so long ago, - I can't even remember when.
- Friday, 6:51 p.
I know it was a Friday.
Oh, well, we all have exes.
As long as it's over.
It is over, right? Oh, God, yes.
It certainly is over.
Oh, Nancy, please.
Here, come sit with me.
Listen, I want to tell you, I'm not interested in anyone but you.
Perhaps I better get that.
That could be your secretary.
Oh, let the machine get it.
Frasier, it's Denise.
I don't know how you got my number, but I'm not interested in dating you again.
Denise, you prankster! No.
No, no.
I won't.
No, absolutely not.
I promise, never again.
Well, how about we have that dinner now? I don't believe this.
You have been calling other women for dates.
- How could you lie? - I didn't lie.
Why would I lie to you? I have nothing to hide.
Oh, let me get that.
Hello? Yes, l Oh, yes, just a moment.
It's your secretary.
Hi, Gwen.
Call me in the car in five minutes.
- I'm going home.
- No.
No, Nancy.
Nancy, please, please, please.
Oh, please don't be hasty.
I realise I've done something rather foolish.
Just let me explain.
Nancy, look, the truth is I did call some women.
I guess I was feeling insecure, a little nervous about getting close to you.
I don't blame you for being angry, and I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave.
It's just that I think we really have something here.
Well, I thought we had something too.
I made a mistake.
Give me another chance.
- Well, that risotto did smell good.
- Okay.
- Frasier.
- Oh, Madeline.
- I got that note you left under my door.
- I am so sorry about that.
I was so happy to hear from you.
Really? I was just thinking about you the other day.
You know, I don't even remember why we stopped seeing each other.
What is go? This again? - Look, this date is over.
- Whoa, wait a minute.
You slipped a note under my door, and you're on a date with her? Well, you heard her.
Technically, this date is over.
Don't ever call me again.
Or me, you freak! Nancy, Madeline.
Please, give me a second chance.
Either one of you.
So then Daphne takes a left on Madison.
Bumper to bumper, all the way to Pike.
Then a right on Pike.
And what do you know? Kingdome traffic.
So I say - Dear God, this is taking forever.
- Exactly.
And here we are on 5th Wait, wait, don't go away.
I'm coming.
Oh, Frasier.
I've had one of the worst experiences of my life.
You took Madison? You're as bad as Daphne.
- What you should've done, for God - Oh, let it go! Please come in.
How was your date? Well, Nancy discovered that I had been pursuing other women.
- Well, how did she find that out? - It wasn't hard.
You see, I pursued one during the date.
- Well, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, so am I, Fras.
Well, thanks, guys.
I just I should've listened to your advice, Niles.
- How did things go with Maris? - I wish I knew.
I returned the gifts and told her there was no chance of reconciliation.
She didn't get mad.
In fact, she was eerily calm.
She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.
You know, they got a cream for that.
You know, maybe she'll come around.
You've given her a lot to digest.
- Oh, no.
- What is it? - Oh, dear God.
- I don't believe it.
I I thought I made myself perfectly clear.
What is wrong with that woman? Why don't you start, Fras? I'll jump in when you get hoarse.
Roses are red Your heart is fickle When I'm through with you All you'll have left is this nickel Oh, no.
- Oh, God, she's going to ruin me.
- No, no, Niles.
You know, maybe she's just bluffing.
Once she's signed the financial settlement, it's She's not bluffing.
This is the financial settlement.
Oh, Frasier, why did I go over there? Why didn't I listen to you? And why didn't I listen to you? If I had, I'd be sitting with Nancy right now, sipping wine in front of the fire.
I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal.
And I won't be.
All right, now.
Enough with these long faces.
Who wants ice cream?