Frasier s06e08 Episode Script

The Seal Who Came to Dinner

What a glorious day.
Can't help but put a bounce in one's step, can it? If you're gonna be cheerful, sit somewhere else.
- Damn it, I broke a nail.
- Here.
Here.
- Oh, hello, Niles.
- If my life gets any worse, I'm phoning hell to ask about their exchange program.
Well, lucky me.
I stumbled in at happy hour.
Here.
- So, Niles, Maris at it again? - Oh, worse.
And it's so depressing I can barely talk about it.
My Gourmet Club is holding elections to see who will win this year's Golden Apron Wait, I can see I'm gonna need a hanky for this.
Latte, please.
To go.
Normally, the finalists compete by giving lectures.
I'd written mine.
A waggish look at food fads of yesteryear entitled: "Fondue: What Were We Thinking?" Suddenly last night, disaster.
Someone proposed that instead of lecture, this year's finalists should compete by hosting dinner parties in their homes.
So why don't you invite them all over and cook them a meal? At the Shangri-La? I can't tell the cream of Seattle's gourmet set that I've moved out of the Montana and into that gulag with a game room.
- I'll just have to drop out of the race.
- Let's not be hasty.
Let's give this some thought.
- Every problem has a solution.
- Do you call that a problem? A problem is when your kid keeps you up three nights in a row with colic, and you're so burnt out that you rear-end a Lexus with four passengers, each and every one a lawyer.
So you'll probably be sued and spend the rest of your working life, if you ever even get a job, lining the pockets of four blood-sucking, whiplash-faking fat cats.
That's what a problem is.
- Can you have it at a restaurant? - It's against the rules.
- Thanks for the sympathy.
- Well, I - Sympathy for what? - Oh, I don't know.
She broke a nail.
Anyway, Niles, try as I might, I can't think of a single thing.
I'm sorry.
Well, don't blame yourself.
You can blame Claudia Kynock.
The whole dinner scheme was her greedy notion.
- Claudia Kynock? Kevin's widow? - Can you believe it? She owns six newspapers and nine radio stations.
She'll still cadge a free meal faster than that bulbous cartoon fellow who mooches hamburgers from Popeye.
- I know I must sound - Wimpy.
And whiny too, but I just I wanted this.
And after the year I've been through, I needed something to restore my pride, my dignity, my manhood.
That Golden Apron could do it.
And you are going to have it.
You can have the dinner party at my house.
- You mean it? - Yes.
I'll rent an extra-large table, and share in the hosting chores.
You are a saint.
I did note you only offered after you found out our club includes a rich owner who could give you a job.
Well, Niles, I must say I'm hurt.
I offer out of the goodness of my heart, you make me sound like an opportunist.
I'm sorry.
How can I make it up to you? Well, I don't know.
Seat me next to someone interesting.
- Oh, Claudia, perhaps.
- Yes, why not? Put her on my left.
It's my best side.
He actually marked the bottle so he'd know if you took some? Yeah.
Then he marched into my room and confronted me with the evidence.
I said, "All right, if you want to be such a miser, then fine.
I'll buy me own bath salts.
" Oh, hi, Pam.
I didn't know you were here.
I told you this morning she was coming by.
Must have slipped my mind.
Well, don't you look nice tonight? You too, Martin.
I love your sweater.
Yeah, pretty cheerful, huh? You know, not everyone can wear these colours.
It helps if you're a matador.
Come on, we don't want to be late for the movie.
- Oh, can I freshen up first? - Oh, yeah, yeah, right through there.
You dirty old man.
Flirting with a girl her age.
Well, she was flirting right back.
I saw her give me the once-over.
Yeah, she looked once and it was over.
You never acted this silly with any of me other girlfriends.
- What's so special about Pam? - Oh, nothing.
She's just young and friendly, and she reminds me of the girls I used to date back during the war.
What, you mean Korea? Mr.
Crane, it's not dating when you're an occupying force.
Well, just ask her if she's interested.
Have you lost your mind? Hey, the gals in Pyeongchang used to think I was pretty damn cute.
Yeah, well, this is a bit different.
You're not 21.
And her village hasn't just burned down.
You're not gonna get her with a kind smile and a Hershey bar.
Oh, just ask her, okay? This explains that so-called mix-up with those mail-order videos.
Mistake, my fanny.
You ordered The Joy Luck Club.
- Oh, hi, Dad, Daphne.
- Hey, you guys.
- Pam, nice to see you.
- Hi.
Hello, Niles.
- All right, we're off.
Good night.
- Good night.
Pam, an-nyong-hi kye-se-yo.
Just keep moving.
- What's with Dad? - It's a Korea thing.
Don't ask.
Oh, my gosh.
He said yes.
I've got him.
That was a message from Marcel DuBoeuf.
He's agreed to cater my dinner for the club.
- Oh, Niles, that is a coup.
- Who? Marcel DuBoeuf, Dad.
He's the famous sculptor turned chef.
Each plate is a work of art.
He's doing his all-truffle menu.
For the appetizer he sculpts tiny mushroom trees, then he carves radishes to look like truffle pigs snuffling around the roots.
Maybe I should do that for Eddie.
I could mould his Alpo into a cow.
- That reminds me - I got him Sonics tickets.
Bless you.
And did I mention they are predicting meteor showers for that evening? So not only will I have a great meal - in a perfect setting - Niles.
- But I'll have nature itself putting on a show for us.
Oh, we'll have an excellent view from right - Dear God, what's that? - It's a small crack.
A little bird flew into it the other day.
I'm replacing the pane next week.
Next week? That's too late.
It's a piece of tape.
No one will notice.
Well, you have no idea how cutthroat my rivals are.
They will leap on the tiniest imperfection.
Last night, Sebastian Melmoth threw a lavish Japanese banquet.
A certain rival spent the entire evening carping about how the obis on the geishas' kimonos were improperly tied.
- A certain rival? - All right, me.
He had geishas? That's enough, Dad.
Well, I'll just have to have the party somewhere else.
But, Niles, you promised you'd have it here.
- You promised me Claudia Kynock.
- Nobody's gonna notice.
Besides, who else is gonna loan you their place? It's not like you can ask Maris.
I don't have to ask her.
She's out of the country.
She's in Antwerp having her elbows done.
She has that stunning beach house.
- I can get past the alarm.
- Isn't that breaking and entering? Oh, pish.
It can't be a crime if it's catered.
- I hope you have a lovely time.
- Don't sulk.
You can still come.
I've gotta start planning.
Wait until you see this place.
It's right on the beach.
It's ideal for viewing the meteor shower.
Maybe Chef Marcel can make your truffles look like little meteors zooming around the plate.
We make fun of him, but every now and then he has a fantastic idea.
I hope you're right about the alarm code.
- People do change them.
- Maris will never change this one.
It's her ideal weight.
What she weighed at her debutante ball.
Let's see, this many pounds and that many ounces.
Good Lord, no one could weigh that and live.
Maris! - Oh, no, not her.
- Neighbour? Yes.
Gretchen Koontz.
The old girl has been smitten with Maris ever since she taught falconry at Maris' finishing school.
Now, here, put these in water.
I'll get rid of her.
Maris, liebchen, is that you? - Oh, Dr.
Crane.
- Hello, Gretchen.
I'm surprised to see you here.
When last I spoke to Maris, she said your marriage had come to a timely end.
Yes, well, it's all patched up now.
We couldn't be happier.
In fact, that's Maris in the kitchen now.
We're terribly busy.
I'll be right with you, muffin.
- But I'll tell her you looked in.
- Do.
Ask her to stop by.
My wolfhound had puppies.
- Let's get some lights on.
- Yes.
- Good Lord, what the hell is that? - What? Oh, Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm.
Battery operated.
It works on a clapper.
So you can find it in the dark.
Only problem was, try as she might, the poor thing could never clap hard enough to activate it.
Oh, Niles, this view is breathtaking.
With a setting like this and Chef Marcel in the kitchen, I think that Golden Apron is as good as yours.
What is that revolting smell? It smells like it's coming from the beach.
It's like garbage or rotting fish or - Or a dead seal.
- No, it's more like a rendering plant.
No, Niles.
There's an extremely large dead seal right by this dinghy.
Oh, dear God! You know, on the bright side, there's not a single crack in these windows.
Yes, animal control? A large seal washed up on my property.
I need you to come and remove it right away.
Its condition? It's deceased.
And might I add, pretty damn pungent, so if you'll just get over What? What? Well, you're not serious.
He says they only handle live seals.
What kind of policy is that? Well, if it were alive, I wouldn't need you.
I could just scare it away myself.
I'd pay to see that.
Oh, wait.
I was mistaken.
It's not dead after all.
It's sitting up.
It looks very disoriented.
Come quickly.
Give me that.
Give it.
Hello, this is Frasier Crane.
You may remember me from my radio show.
Oh, yes, that should send the seal mobile racing over here.
And just how do you suggest that we dispose of a dead seal? I see.
I see.
Charming.
Well, we have two options.
We can either bury it or haul it out to sea, in which case he suggests that we stab some holes into it.
Stab holes in it? To make it less buoyant.
It would certainly make me less buoyant.
Well, we'll have to bury it.
- Help me find a shovel.
- Right.
Oh, no, that's Chef Marcel.
If he finds out what's out there, - he will walk.
- Over a dead seal? He won't let anything upstage his food.
He stormed out of Kate York's christening party over an ill-timed diaper change.
- Look, you let him in.
- Right.
- I'll find a shovel.
- Okay.
Chef Marcel, this is indeed an honour.
I'm Frasier, Niles' brother.
Where is my kitchen? It's right through there.
- What is that smell? - What smell? Is there a baby here? No.
I mean, yes.
Well, there was a baby, but it's gone now.
- And we can air the place out.
- Do.
All right, let's do this.
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
What's the matter, Niles, you couldn't find any demitasse spoons? I'm sorry.
This is all we have.
It'll take us until doomsday with these things.
Let's stick it into the dinghy and haul it out to sea.
Come on.
I'm not touching that with my bare hands.
All right, just go get a sheet or something to wrap it in.
Poor noble creature.
At least in death, you've achieved a kind of tragic dignity.
We can wrap it in this.
- Quick, quick, quick, quick.
- A peach peignoir? Yes, and I found perfume.
We're giving it a burial, Niles, not a day of beauty.
It's to cover the smell.
And the peignoir was all I could find.
The beds are all stripped.
- The linen cupboard's locked.
- All right, just get on with it.
- Do you think that helped? - Oh, yes, Niles.
It smells so lovely now it's almost a shame to bury it.
- Will you give me a hand with this? - Yes, all right.
There.
Okay, now let's turn it over.
Come on.
Oh, God.
Have you ever seen anything so heartbreaking? That sullied nightgown, that cold vacant stare, those limp little whiskers.
Stick a corncob pipe in its mouth, it could be Nana on Dad's side.
Come on, let's go.
Move.
Nice oarsmanship, Mr.
Oxford-Rowing-Champ.
It's not very easy to keep your balance when your crewmate jumps on your back and shrieks like a tea kettle.
Oh, I'm sorry.
The thing's tongue lolled out and licked my ankle.
I just hope the wind changes direction before the party.
- Yes.
- They'll be here in 15 minutes.
The stench is so strong I could almost swear the damn thing was still - It's back! - Oh, my God.
Tide must have washed it back in.
We should've taken their advice and stabbed holes in it.
No, I refuse to even contemplate something so disgusting.
We'll just row it back out, this time we'll weigh it down with something.
Oh, Niles, what about that hideous anchor lamp? Perfect.
We'll tie it with the peignoir sash.
It'll sink like a brick.
Would you mind terribly doing that alone? - Alone? - Yes, I have to get ready.
Frasier, please, I beg you.
All right, Niles.
But the entire time I'm gone, sing my praises to Claudia Kynock.
- Done.
- Excuse me, where do you keep? Chef Marcel, it's so nice to meet you at last.
You have been swimming? Just a dip.
In your clothes? Well, it is November.
You know, it was so refreshing, I think I'll go back for another.
- Don't forget your lamp.
- Oh, yes, thank you.
It's getting dark in that water.
Now, Sebastian, you must try one of these truffled scallops.
I'm allergic to bivalves.
A good host would know that.
Don't mind Sebastian.
He's just afraid you'll outshine his geisha party.
Now, now, no rivalries.
We're all friends tonight.
I'm sorry about the scallops.
In the future, I'll try to cater more to your shellfish demands.
I got that.
Thank God you're back.
I can open the deck? - People are suspicious.
- I hauled it as far as I could.
I hope that lamp was heavy enough.
- Is Claudia here? - She's dying to talk to you.
- Good.
Smell my fingers.
- Lovely, tuberose? - Jasmine.
- Really? Everyone, as you may know, I have arranged a small meteor shower for our entertainment this evening.
So feel free to claim your spots now on the observation deck.
Please, go right ahead.
Sebastian, enjoy it.
Claudia, this is my brother, Dr.
Frasier Crane.
- Well, just the man I wanted to meet.
- Really? Well, now I should warn you, Claudia's in radio so you're in for more of that arm-twisting you've been getting from the other station owners.
Oh, my brother, the publicist.
Before long, he'll be telling you about my two SeaBees and my Broadcaster of the Year Award.
Well, now we don't have to talk all business.
But I do wanna mention that we may be replacing one of our nationally syndicated hosts, the Happy Traveller.
Oh, yes, the Happy Traveller.
How's that coming? Not well.
Unless they get more realistic with those ransom demands, he's never coming out of that jungle.
There certainly are a lot of gnats buzzing about out here.
- Yes, there are.
- Allow me.
Oh, dear God.
- It's only a gnat, Niles.
- Yes, well, gnats carry disease.
- Oh, you missed it.
- There's another.
There were no bugs at my party.
What's that on the beach? I don't know, but it's wearing a boa.
No, no, no, that's preposterous.
It's just a rock with some seaweed on it.
Niles, there seems to be something with feathers flashing at us.
Yes, yes, that's my neighbour.
Don't clap, it just encourages her.
Does anyone else smell something? I know what I smell.
Truffles.
- Everyone, time for dinner.
- Yes, yes, please, step lively.
Truffles.
All right, all right, get out there and stab that thing.
No.
I'm sick to death of chaperoning that carcass.
Well, I can't do it.
I'm the host.
Because of that woman in there and a scrappy band of third-world rebels, I am this close to getting a national radio show of my own.
- You have to do it.
- All right.
Get me a knife, close those curtains.
Don't let anyone out on this deck - until I come back.
- Fine.
Where's the damn thing gone to? Got it.
Thanks.
I've listened to your show, and what impressed me most is your ability to focus.
Yes, I'm very proud of that.
I give each of my callers my complete undivided Excuse me.
Would you please just stay inside? - We're about to start dinner.
- Well, you said that ten minutes ago.
Yes, so it's even truer now, isn't it? Just sit down.
I'm sorry.
Back to my show.
I must say, I was wondering myself when we'd be eating.
It's getting late.
Well, Niles is in the kitchen right now trying to prod Chef Marcel along.
You know how it is with these perfectionists.
- I am waiting to serve.
Where's Niles? - You mean he's not with you? Well, I'm sure he's around here somewhere.
You know, perhaps he's upstairs making a phone call.
If you just keep everything warm, he'll be down in a minute.
He better be.
I reheat for no one.
I'm terribly sorry about all these interruptions.
Now, can we just get back to that job? Well, you'd be in 93 markets Excuse me.
Can I help you? - I just saw a meteor.
- Oh, have they started? Oh, splendid.
Everyone, please stand back.
And witness the spectacular view through this transom.
Can't we see them better from outside? No, it's much safer in here.
You never know where they might land.
Perhaps that's Niles.
Hello, is Niles Crane here? We're investigating a possible homicide.
What? Your neighbour saw Dr.
Crane and another man row out to sea with a third party dressed in a nightie.
The men returned alone.
We suspect they dumped the body overboard.
All right, there's nothing to be alarmed about.
Please, gentlemen, come in.
I can clear this whole thing up.
I was the other man in the row boat.
- You dumped a body overboard? - Thank God you're here.
- I just saw a murder.
- What? Dr.
Crane was on the beach with his wife, Maris.
I recognized her peignoir.
I could even smell her perfume.
- He was stabbing her again and again.
- No, no, no.
Clearly, this woman is delusional.
Listen, search the entire house.
I defy you to find one scrap of evidence that there's been foul play here.
My butcher knife has disappeared from the kitchen.
Go check the beach.
Please, people, I assure you, there is nothing sinister going on here.
Hello, all.
Meteor shower's started.
Oh, excuse me.
Niles, there's been a little misunderstanding.
Perhaps it's time you explained about the dead seal we found.
A dead seal? At my Golden Apron dinner? That's enough bubbly for you.
But, Niles, they think you murdered Maris.
I saw him stabbing her.
Oh, I see what happened.
Oh, this is funny.
Oh, you're all going to laugh when you hear this.
I was simply stabbing a seal.
You killed a seal? No, no, I didn't kill it.
It was already dead when we found it.
- You found a dead seal? - Yes.
And it was wearing a peignoir? That is ludicrous.
We put the peignoir on it.
- And the perfume too? - Yes, of course.
So you found a dead seal, dressed it in a peignoir, doused it in perfume, then stabbed it.
I told you you'd laugh.
I found this washed up on the beach.
Oh, well, there, if that doesn't prove my innocence, I don't know what does.
It's covered in her blood.
Dinner is served.
Sorry, folks, no one can leave.
This is a crime scene.
Well, it certainly would be a crime if we missed that dinner.
Everyone, sit down.
There's place cards all around the table.
- Okay, gentlemen, let's go.
- Well, he said no one could leave.
Claudia, perhaps we can discuss that job tomorrow.
I've got business cards in my breast pocket if you'd like to fish one out.
No? Fine.
I'll just call you then.
Officer, you can't arrest me.
My wife is alive.
She's in Antwerp having her elbows done.
Give it up, Niles.
Even I didn't believe that one.