Frasier s06e13 Episode Script

The Show Where Woody Shows Up

So Dr.
Crane, I don't see why I should fix the dumb dress when my sister can't even fit into it anymore.
Audrey, you borrowed the dress, you tore it.
As an old Greek haberdasher once said: "Euripides, Eumenides.
" What? Well, it's just a little joke on the ancient dramatist Euripides and the mythological Furies.
Just fix the dress.
We'll be back after the weather.
Oh, Roz, Noel gave me this to give to you.
- Here.
- Oh, God, Noel.
- He's been acting so weird lately.
- Lately? May I remind you this is the man who's required by law to stay at least 100 yards away from William Shatner.
No, I bumped into him at Nervosa about a month ago.
There were no other free tables so we sat together, and since then, he's been acting like we're some kind of couple.
Oh, Roz, I'm sure he knows you're not interested in him.
- "Happy monthiversary.
" - Oh, Lord.
Oh, we're on.
And we're back.
Let's get straight to the phones.
- I'm listening.
- Dr.
Crane? It's Woody.
I'm in Seattle and I'm a little lost.
Well, Woody, in today's fast-paced, high-pressure society, that's not uncommon.
Just why exactly do you feel lost? Well, I've been driving around for about an hour.
I can't seem to get out of the airport.
Oh, Woody, Woody.
Oh, well, listeners, this is an old friend of mine from back in Boston.
Well, how are you doing there, you old cowpoke? I'm doing okay, but all this talk about today's fast-paced, high-pressure world is starting to get me down.
Yes, well, I have just the cure for that.
How about dinner? Sounds great.
I'm in town all week.
- And I'm free all week.
How's tonight? - Oh, that'd be great.
- So I hear you're on the radio.
- Yes, I am, Woody, and so are you.
No, no, no, I'm still tending bar at Cheers.
Oh, how do these rumours get started? Believe it or not, listeners, Woody and I are picking up right where we left off.
- Knock, knock.
- Noel.
Oh, I haven't seen that outfit before.
Set your phasers on stunning.
Listen, I need to talk to you.
I cannot accept anniversary gifts.
Oh, I know that.
I was just making a little joke.
I know we're just friends.
I saw this and it made me think of you.
Okay, thanks.
That's really sweet.
Oh, if you're not gonna open it for a while, you might wanna move the ribbon.
It's blocking the air holes.
Here, I made you some lamb stew.
I'm telling you, there's something weird about Eddie.
Oh, for the love of God, not this again.
You never should've taken him to those dog groomers.
I had to bring him.
His toenails were like Howard Hughes' and his breath smelled like an autopsy.
Well, look at him.
They did something to him.
The sparkle's gone from his eyes.
Yes, and so are those gooey green bits.
Oh, that's probably Woody.
I'll get it.
- Oh, Niles.
- Hello, Frasier.
I know this is impromptu, but I'm going to an oboe recital and I thought you might want to join me.
Well, I'm sorry, Niles.
An old friend of mine came in town.
I invited him to come over this evening.
Well, have him join us.
I'm sure we can get three seats together.
I'm not sure an oboe recital's quite what I had in mind.
I was thinking of something a little more raucous.
If it's raucous you're looking for, we could go and get a nightcap at the piano bar at the Mayflower Hotel.
It's Jerome Kern night.
Last time people were shouting out requests without raising their hands.
You know, Niles, I'm afraid we'll have to pass.
You see, my friend Woody is an old bar chum from back at Cheers What I had in mind was really more of a beer-swilling, back-slapping kind of night, if you know what I mean.
You're welcome to join us if you like.
- Sounds interesting.
- Well, now - Woody! - Hey, Dr.
Crane! - Good to see you.
- You look great.
Oh, thanks, thanks.
You too.
- This place is awesome.
- Thank you.
I'm not surprised you need all these roommates to help you pay for it.
Well, they're not really roommates, Woody.
They're They're more like boarders actually.
- No, that's my father, Martin.
- Oh, hi.
- Woody Boyd.
- I remember hearing about you.
- You were a policeman, right? - That's right.
That's my brother right there, Niles.
- He's a psychiatrist too.
- Hello.
And this is Daphne Moon, my father's home healthcare worker.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Oh, hi.
I like your accent.
- You're from England, right? - Manchester.
Darn.
I'm usually pretty good at that.
- Oh, hey, who's this little guy? - I'm not sure I even know anymore.
Oh, my dad's getting the same way.
- So, Woody, can I get you a beer? - That's funny, huh? You know, all those years I was waiting on you, and now you're getting me a beer.
Yes, life's like that sometimes, isn't it? Daphne, get us a couple of beers, will you? So, what brings you to Seattle, huh? - Oh, my cousin's getting married.
- Really? Which is the cousin? Bride or groom? Well, actually, both are.
I assume they're kissing cousins.
They're doing a lot more than that.
That's why they have to get married.
So is Kelly with you? No, no, she's visiting her mom with the kids, but she sends her love.
- And how's the old gang, huh? - Oh, well, they haven't changed much.
Sam's doing great, Carla's terrific.
Oh, you know, we almost had a wedding.
Mr.
Clavin got himself one of those Eastern European mail-order brides.
But they lived together for a couple of days and decided to call it off.
Oh, gosh.
I'm so sorry for Cliff.
Yeah, she said she was homesick.
That Bosnia must be a beautiful place.
- Here we are.
- Oh, thank you, Daphne.
That's one for you, one for you, and one for me.
Well, Woody, I thought that tonight we'd just maybe stay in.
- You know, order some pizza.
- Sounds good by me.
Okay, great.
I'll just call the place around the corner.
- Niles, you're gonna join us? - Well, why not.
It'll be fun to drink some beer and have some pizza with a couple of rapscallions.
If you don't mind, could we make that half rapscallions, half pepperoni? That wasn't the best prank we played.
You remember that time with Mr.
Clavin? Oh, yes, and the ferret.
He was about to go on his route, and we shoved that angry ferret into his mailbag.
Oh, my.
Exactly how do you make a ferret angry? Well, for starters, you shove him into a mailbag.
God, that was funny.
Do you remember the expression on his face? Oh, no, I never saw his expression.
I was too busy looking at Mr.
Clavin.
Woody, let me get you another cold one.
- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, gosh, I tell you, this has just been the best evening.
My God, it's like reliving all my old days at Cheers, only without Lilith.
Boy, that's a trip to Bountiful, let me tell you.
These guys are really going through the beers, aren't they? Oh, yes.
If this keeps up, you may have to fish out that emergency can you keep in the toilet tank.
Here you are, Woods.
Oh, well, you know what? On second thought, I think I'm gonna pass.
I'm feeling a little bit jet-lagged.
- All right, you wanna call it a night? - I probably should.
But this was so much fun.
I'd really like to do it again.
All right.
Well, how about lunch tomorrow? - Oh, yeah, that sounds great.
- Okay.
- Hey, goodbye, y'all.
Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
Come back.
You know, Woody, there's a new gourmet Mexican restaurant down near your hotel I'd love to try.
It's called Dos Burros.
It sounds muy delicioso.
- I didn't know you speak Spanish.
- Oh, well I know that dos means "two.
" What's burro mean? Oh, same as in English.
Jackass.
Sorry, just asking.
- Hey, guys, how was lunch? - Oh, great.
If we told one old story, we told a hundred.
- Hey, how are you doing, little guy? - His name's Eddie.
Oh, Eddie.
Good for you, Mr.
Crane.
They have good days and they have bad days.
Woody, here's that Seattle guidebook I was telling you about.
Right here.
- Oh, thanks.
- Get a load of that, huh? Wow, look at that view.
You can see the whole city.
When you turn around it's even better.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
This is better.
No, no, no.
Look and see there - Hey, yeah, you mind if I go out there? - No, no, you go ahead.
Hey, you remember that time we went out on the balcony at Melville's and threw pudding? I don't think I ever laughed harder in my entire life.
- Put a bullet in my head.
- What's going on? God, I have absolutely nothing in common with this man except things that happened 10 years ago.
I thought you had a fun time last night.
Well, yes.
We had exactly the same time this afternoon, and it wasn't nearly as fun.
The same stories and variations thereof.
Being forced to laugh over and over.
I swear, if I never get another shoulder noogie - I will die a happy man.
- Oh, don't feel bad.
You've been a good friend, you showed him a nice time, and now all that's left is for you to go in there and tell him goodbye.
Yes, I guess when all this is over I will have learned a very valuable lesson.
Sometimes, you can have too much of a good thing.
Got to know when to say when.
The past is just that, the past.
You can never go home again.
Less is more.
Wish you would have started with that last one.
Well, Woods, huh? It's been great seeing you.
- Oh, yeah, hey - Come on, give me Give me a good hug, huh? You gotta promise me you'll give my love to everybody back at the bar.
- Oh, I will.
- Okay.
And give that beautiful wife of yours and those two kids a big kiss from Uncle Frasier.
- You got it.
- And don't be a stranger, okay? No, I won't.
I won't.
So where are we going for dinner tonight? - Niles.
- Oh, Frasier.
Odd to see you without Woody in tow.
Is he off teasing ferrets? Niles, listen, I've been having such a great time with Woody, I was hoping, maybe tonight you'd like to join us.
- We plan to go out - You can save it.
Dad brought me up to speed on your reunion of the damned.
- Oh, God.
- I would love to help.
- I'm sorry, you're on your own.
- No, no, please.
Really, I'm desperate.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to feign interest in the same old stories over and over again? And you call yourself a psychiatrist? You wouldn't last a week in private practice.
Speaking of which, my 6:00 is waiting.
- Triple espresso to go.
- Thank you.
Niles, please.
Please, I need you.
It's gonna be an excruciating journey into Oh, God Roz.
Say, you know, are you up for a night on the town? This wouldn't be the invitation Niles just blew off, would it? Oh, all right.
Here.
Please.
My old friend Woody's dragging me out again tonight.
I could really use a buffer.
He's taking me to some God-awful karaoke bar.
- Are you gonna sing? - No.
- Okay, I'll go.
- Really? You will? I have a babysitter tonight.
My plans fell through.
- Karaoke might be fun.
- Karaoke, tonight? Oh, I'd love to.
Well, Gil, I'm not sure you'd enjoy this Nonsense.
If we go to the one on Pike, I keep a locker there where I store my own microphone and show jackets.
- Hey, guys.
Hi, Roz.
- Oh, hi, Noel.
I see you're at our table.
"Our table"? Oh, is there an office romance brewing? No, Gil, we're just friends.
Right, Noel? So far.
Well, who knows what the night has in store.
We're all going for karaoke.
Why don't you join us? - Count me in.
- Is that my beeper? - I didn't hear anything.
- It's the babysitter.
She calls in an emergency.
Gotta go, bye.
- Roz - Taxi! - Roz, wait! - Roz, wait! Well, looks like it's just us boys.
- Oh, that was beautiful.
- Yeah.
You know, Niles, that was the first movie I ever took your mother to see.
I deliberately picked a tear-jerker so I'd be there to comfort her.
At the first sniffle I was on her like an octopus.
You men.
You always find a way to make us more vulnerable to your clumsy advances.
Oh, that wine went straight to my head.
Let's just kill off the bottle, shall we? Hey, Fras.
- Turn off the music.
- Oh, well, we were just Dad, I never wanna hear music again.
Oh, I take it you had a whiz-bang time at the karaoke bar? For starters, Woody sang "What Kind of Fool Am I?" Which quickly turned into an audience-participation number.
Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet of "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better.
" They were both wrong.
I guess the highlight of the evening was when Gil, after one too many Kir Royales, performed a haunting rendition of "I Feel Pretty," during the latter verses of which Noel joined him on the apron of the stage and translated into Klingon.
Well, I think I'm just gonna go off to bed so I can get up bright and early for my harbour cruise with Woody tomorrow.
What? You're seeing him again? Why don't you just tell the guy you're busy for once? But, Dad, he knows that I'm not.
Besides, I'd hate to hurt his feelings.
I'd hate to have him think that I've outgrown him.
- But you have.
- Well, that's the problem.
I've moved on to bigger and better things in my life.
He's still pouring drinks back at the same bar he's been at for the last 15 years.
- Don't you think that's kind of sad? - If I were you, I'd just lie to him.
Tell him you have to work or you met a pretty girl.
Who's that pretty girl In the mirror there? What mirror, where? Who could that attractive girl be? Which, what, where, whom? Who? - Daphne.
Daphne.
- Who? Daphne! Bedtime.
I used to be with the Light Opera Works.
Yes, fine.
And I used to be a fan dancer.
Get out.
Go to bed.
She seems a little wobbly.
- Perhaps I should - Niles.
Oh, surprise.
Guess who? Dear God.
I just left him.
What moonlit, berry-picking expedition does he have planned for me now? I can't take this anymore.
All right, all right, fine.
I'm just gonna have to lie to him.
- Woody.
- Hey, Dr.
Crane.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hi.
Listen, l When I got back to my hotel, I called Kelly to say good night and turns out our little girl has an ear infection, so I'm taking the redeye right now, and my cab is waiting for me downstairs.
Oh, well, Woody, I guess this means goodbye then.
- Yeah, I'm afraid so.
- Well, all right.
Give me a hug.
Remember to give my love to the folks back at Cheers.
- Oh, will do.
- Okay.
I hope that little girl of yours gets better real soon.
Thank you.
It was great spending time with you.
- It was great seeing you too, Woody.
- Yeah.
- It's a shame we have to cut it short.
- It sure is.
Goodbye.
- Have a good trip.
- Take care.
Bye-bye.
Good night, Woods.
God bless the virus that invaded that little girl's ear canal.
- Congratulations.
I'll be off.
- Oh, no, no, Niles.
Tell you what.
To celebrate my new-found freedom, we go over to that little cantina I mentioned earlier, and I'll buy you a late supper.
- We'll have a margarita.
- Oh, well, thank you, Frasier.
And after that, we'll go by that pricey new cigar club.
It's my treat.
Well, hey, big spender.
Is everything all right? The last time I heard that phrase, Gil was belting it out while sitting on the lap of a Japanese businessman.
Let's get that margarita.
- Thank you.
- I think you're gonna like this place.
Well, I do already.
N.
M.
B.
- N.
M.
B? - No mariachi band.
Dear God.
Quick.
Hide your face with your menu.
- What? - Woody's over there.
If he sees us, he'll know I lied.
- When did you lie? - I told him I was going out of town.
No, you didn't.
He told you he was going out of town.
That's right.
He lied.
He should be hiding.
Woody.
Woody.
For God's sake.
Stay here.
Woody, come out of there, please.
I don't understand this.
It means, "I don't speak English.
" Would you just come out here? Woody, what is going on? I can't even look at you, I'm so ashamed.
- I lied to you, Dr.
Crane.
- Why did you do that? Well, I guess I didn't want you to know it was me in the bathroom.
No, Woody.
Earlier this evening, you told me that you were going back to Boston.
Oh, well, I feel terrible saying this, but I just couldn't face another day of us hanging out together.
What, you weren't enjoying our time together? Oh, you know, I had a great time that first night, but after that, I don't know, you were still having a good time, but it was less and less fun for me.
It's just too funny.
See, you're still having a good time and I'm miserable.
Why didn't you say something? Well, I don't know.
I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.
To tell you the truth, I was I felt kind of bad for you.
You felt bad for me? Well, no offence, but look at your life.
You live with your dad, you hang out with your brother.
You have no plans and Let's face it, those karaoke friends of yours, I wouldn't want to be stranded on a desert island with them.
Oh, well, maybe that English guy.
He was a good entertainer.
Really, Woody, there's nothing to worry about.
I know my life may seem rather dreary to you, but it's really quite enjoyable.
In fact, it's even a lot of fun.
I love my life now.
Honestly.
You know what? I wouldn't trade my years at Cheers for anything, but I am very happy with my life the way it is today.
- You mean it? - Yes.
That's what makes this conversation so ironic.
You see, you see my life as some sort of middle-age compromise and, well, just the other day I was thinking about your life.
- And all I could think was - What? How lucky you are.
You see, you found where you belong, and you've made your home there.
I guess for some of us it just takes longer than others.
Well, I just stopped in for a beer Well, Niles will be on the phone for a couple more minutes.
Why don't we just have one last drink together? - Well, that'd be nice.
- Okay.
Barkeep, couple of beers here, please.
You know, I meant what I said about I had a great time hanging out with you that first night.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Maybe we could do it again in five or 10 years.
Absolutely.
Ten years it is.
Cheers.
Cheers.