Frasier s07e07 Episode Script

A Tsar is Born

Hello, Roz.
Hey.
So, what are you up to? Oh, they put in phone jacks so you can go on line.
I was just talking to this guy who sounds really great.
(sighs) What? I'm a very busy person.
How else am I going to meet people? Just seems so impersonal, Roz.
I mean, my God, what ever happened to human contact? Engaging people face-to-face, eye-to-eye.
There's your Dad.
Oh, don't let him see me.
Hey, Martin.
Hey, Roz.
Hi.
What you been up to? Oh, just surfing the Net.
Hi, Dad.
You know, I never got into that Net stuff.
ROZ: Really? You really ought to give it a try.
It's a great way to keep in touch with your friends and your family.
Family? Gosh, you know, that's nice to know that some people still care about their family.
Dad, please? Well, I got to go.
I'm going night fishing with Duke and Eddie, of course.
You know, I wouldn't leave Eddie.
You don't turn your back on your family.
What isthatall about? Oh, our Cousin Dodie's wedding was last week.
Oh, excuse me-- Cousin Dodie's weddin'.
It's a Western theme.
On the response card, it asked for our chili preference-- mild or kick-ass-- oh.
Anyway, Niles and I told her that we had a conference to attend at the Therapists' Guild.
There is no Therapists' Guild, is there? No.
Dad found us out.
Wait.
Didn't you have a "Therapist's Guild" conference on Alice's last birthday? The point is, it struck a nerve with Dad.
Sorry, Roz, it's just that, you know.
he thinks we're ashamed of his family.
It's been an issue with him for years.
Now he hasn't spoken to me for days.
Oh, thank God, I don't have to deal with this tonight.
I've already earmarked a fine bottle of Chateau Beychevelle.
Ah, hot date? (chuckling) No, no.
Niles is coming over to watch The Antiques Roadshowwith me.
I guess you'll be coming in late tomorrow.
It's our favorite show, Roz.
Party.
Whee! All right, stop it.
That's enough.
Oh, I think theRoadshow is from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, tonight-- Amish country.
Ooh, quilts.
I'll uncork the wine, Niles.
You set out the cheesecake.
Dad.
Dad.
Uh, I thought you were going night fishing with Duke.
You can't keep this up forever, Dad.
Well, all right, fine; I hope you don't mind but Niles and I are planning on watching a television show.
Oh, really? Well, I'm surprised you don't have a conference to go to.
Dad, we said we were sorry about Dodie's wedding.
Yes, and we did send her a baby gift.
Well, Duke canceled out on me.
You can have the TV in an hour.
I just want to watch my game show.
(groans) Dad, please, not a game show.
I happen to like it, all right? People bring in all their junk from their attics, and these experts tell them what it's worth.
Are you talking aboutThe Antiques Roadshow? Yeah.
Well, that's the program Niles and I are going to watch.
I'll just check outside and see if the world has ended.
Well, if you want to watch it, no one's stopping you.
Oh.
Wonderful.
(chuckles) APPRAISER: And you have no idea what this writing desk might be worth? WOMAN: No.
My husband bought it at a garage sale.
Ooh, that's a lovely piece.
I'd say it's Sheraton.
APPRAISER: At auction, this would bring in more than $8,000.
Whoa! Ka-ching! WOMAN: What about this chair? Is it an original, too? Oh, it certainly looks it.
Nah, nah, they always do this-- set them up on the first one and then lower the boom on the second one.
I think that carving looks authentic.
So does the inlay.
No, no, no.
APPRAISER: I'm sorry to say this chair is a reproduction worth at best $150.
WOMAN: Oh, what a shame.
Keep watching, boys; you'll get the hang of it.
WOMAN: Well, I guess we still have the desk.
APPRAISER: The real clue here is the veneer.
Veneer.
Veneer! Veneer.
HOST: And now for some background information on the beautiful city of Harrisburg.
Mute! (laughing) Evening, all.
Oh, hi, Daphne.
Hi.
Hi, Daphne.
Wow.
Don't see the three of you watching the same show very often.
What's going on? Pavarotti jumping the Grand Canyon? It'sThe Antiques Roadshow.
So what you got in the box? Oh, it's Donny's mother's wedding gown.
He wants me to wear it at our wedding.
What if I don't like it? Daphne, if you try it on, we'd be glad to have a look.
Just go put it on.
Oh, Dad! Dad, turn it up.
SARA BRIGGS: But the real masterwork is this unique art deco headboard.
It features a variety of veneers.
Veneer.
Veneer! Veneer.
Mahogany veneer Veneer! Veneer.
Veneer.
burled walnut veneer Veneer.
Veneer! Veneer.
and zebrawood veneer.
Veneer.
Veneer! Veneer.
Oh, God.
Next week we got to pick a different word.
You know what? I need another bottle of wine.
Yeah, me, too.
I love these educational shows.
You know, I can't get over Dad.
It seems that this little rift between us has been mended.
Oh, can you believe he used the word "craftsman," and he meant the architectural style and not the rotary sander? You know, that's uncanny.
Well, you heard him.
No, no, not that.
You just said "rotary sander.
" Dad, did we miss anything? Nah, just some bozo with a credenza who doesn't know a Biedermeier from an Oscar Meyer.
ANNOUNCER: That's it for this week.
See you next time onThe Antiques Roadshow.
Next Saturday, theRoadshow will be here in Seattle.
Whoa! Viewers can bring their treasures to the Convention Center for a free appraisal.
We ought to go.
That'd be great.
Well, sure, Dad.
Does sounds like fun.
Yeah.
You know, I'm going to go have a little root around in my closet.
I'll bet I can find a nice littleobjet d'art they'll be interested in.
It's as if that panhandler I gave money to was a genie granting all my wishes.
Would you marry me in this? (whispering): How much did you give him? It-it's attractive, Daphne.
It's a bit unorthodox.
Yeah, that's what I think.
Donny, I've just put your mum's wedding dress on.
A miniskirt?! It's obscene.
You can see What? No, I took the green box.
(laughing): Oh No problem, then.
Bye.
I took the wrong dress.
This is from his mother's third marriage in 1968 in Las Vegas.
(laughing heartily) Oh, can you believe people actually used to dress like this? I wish I had a picture of it for whenever I needed a laugh.
Niles.
MARTIN: This bear clock's been in the family for generations.
I can't wait to see what it's worth.
Do you think they'll put a dollar figure on it? That sounds about right.
Very funny.
But you know your grandpa passed this down to me, and someday when I'm gone, it'll be passed on to you.
Dad, please, I don't even want to think about that day.
You know, I got to go see if I can get this baby appraised.
All right.
Oh, I am so sorry, but on the way in, I had the most amazing celebrity sighting.
Hans Dietrich.
The love seat expert.
The very same.
Oh! You know, he's much smaller in person than on television.
He's that big.
Get out.
Yes.
Hey, boys, come over here.
They want to put me and the clock on TV.
Good Lord, we can't appear on TV with that hideous thing.
Everyone we know watches this program.
Well, thank God, he didn't bring along that dreadful mounted jackrabbit's head with the antelope horns.
Oh, yes, the jackalope-- Texas's answer to the Minotaur.
(groans) So, what do you think about that, boys? They said they've never seen anything like it.
Well, Dad, you know, this could go either way.
Oh, I know.
Don't worry about it.
I'm not going to act like one of those saps I always make fun of.
Doesn't matter if it's worth two dollars or $2,000.
I'm just going to say, "That's pretty much what I figured.
" Tape's rolling.
Oh.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, okay, okay.
Uh, guys, uh, which one of you wants to come and hold it? No, no, Dad, we wouldn't dream of it.
This is your moment.
WOMAN: Everybody ready? Action.
So, Martin, what can you tell us about this pewter clock? Well, it is a clock set in the stomach of what appears to be a bear.
APPRAISER: Actually, it's much more than that.
It's Russian, made in the mid-19th century.
That's pretty much what I figured.
Actually, it's a stunning piece.
It was made by Andrei Kuragin who worked for Tsar Alexander II.
That is pretty much what I figured.
I don't know if you're descended from the Romanoffs, Martin, but all of Kuragin's known bear clocks were done exclusively for the Romanoff family and are now in the Hermitage Museum in St.
Petersburg.
Martin, you may be surprised to learn that this clock, at auction, wouldeasilybring $25,000.
Ka-ching! (laughing) Oh.
What he means is that's pretty much what we figured.
FRASIER: After you, Dad.
Thank you.
(chuckles) Gosh, Dad, you know, I've been thinking.
Maybe we'll have to find an appropriate place for the clock.
How about right here on this console, hmm? Oh, yes.
I get it.
Doesn't look quite so bad to you guys now that you know it's worth 25 grand, huh? Oh, I could kick myself for not bringing that jackalope.
Quite an amazing day, eh? (chuckling): It certainly was.
You know, Niles, I've been meaning to ask you about something, actually.
You remember that appraiser said something about the bear being from Russia and Dad being part of the Romanoff family? Yeah, yeah.
You know, that struck my ear, too.
Yes, yes.
Course, I don't seriously believe there's any real chance of that.
No, no, of course not.
No, no.
It's a long shot, at best.
It's impossible.
Although we do have the bear.
I know.
Oh, Dad.
Niles just reminded me of something I'd completely forgotten.
Um When the appraiser mentioned that the bear was from Russia Oh, yeah, well, it probably got passed down through your great-great-grandmother.
She was from Russia.
Aha! And he said something about the, um, Romanoff family? Oh, yeah, that, huh? Sure you want to hear about this? Yes, Dad.
Well, I guess you would've found out anyway after I died.
We're royalty.
But I didn't want you to grow up spoiled, so I abdicated and took a job in Seattle on the police force.
It was kind of hard giving up that royal way of life, but I think maybe it's the swans that I miss most.
Very funny, Dad.
Point taken.
Sherry, Niles? Please.
Sorry to disappoint you.
I know you'd rather be anything in the world except Cranes.
Oh, Dad! Now, that is just not true.
We are proud to be Cranes.
It was just innocent curiosity.
Well, I got to go call Duke.
But don't get excited.
He's not a real duke.
Well we stepped in it that time.
Yes.
What the hell is wrong with us? Asking whether or not we're related to the Romanoffs and we'd just gotten past this whole "Crane shame" thing.
We should've known it would just upset him.
Yes, and for what? Trying to find some distant connection to royalty.
Even if we could prove it, what do we have? Story to tell at parties.
Occasional seat at a state dinner.
Some meaningless title.
(chuckles) It's insane.
Ridiculous.
Destructive.
Still, there is this grandmother.
I'm right behind you.
You know, Niles, given our new pride in the Crane name, perhaps it would behoove us to research our family tree.
Uh-huh.
Actually, in a way, we'd be honoring Dad.
Yes.
Of course, we wouldn't need to tell him.
No, no.
Just a few hours on the Internet, a trip to the library we could sketch in the entire family tree.
Sure, and if there should happen to be a connection to the Romanoffs Well, what harm is there in that? Oh, God, it is amusing to contemplate, isn't it, Niles? You, me, Dad all part of an ancient and noble family.
Okay, Eddie, the jackalope's gonna get you! The jackalope is gonna get you! The jackalope Hey, Frasier? Huh? How's the research going? Oh, well, sit down, Roz, I'll bring you up to speed.
No, thank you.
I'm meeting someone.
Dear God! Not one of your Internet dalliances?! Oh, it's just coffee, okay? Besides, this guy's totally legit.
He e-mailed me a picture.
A picture.
Oh, for God's sake, Roz, what can you learn from a picture? The man's probably a lunatic, a psychopath Oh, he's a pretty boy.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
I know this photo.
It's the cover of this month's Bidwell's catalog.
Are you sure? I'm positive! I ordered those socks and driving shoes.
Why would someone do this? Well, he's probably some insecure, would-be Romeo trying to lure you into a meeting.
Hello, Frasier.
Noel.
NOEL: What have we here? An empty seat next to yours.
May I? No! Of all the dumb-ass things you've done to try to get me to go out with you, e-mailing me this picture is just the most moronic! But, Roz! Forget it, buddy.
I ought to take your mouse cord and wrap it around your nerdy little neck, until your eyes pop out like champagne corks.
But I didn't send you this.
Yeah, right.
Then who did? My guess would be, that guy.
(gasps) Oh, my God.
Noel, Noel, I'm so sorry.
How sorry? Not that sorry.
I just saw the Bidwell's guy.
So, Niles how goes the research? Oh, I think you're going to be very pleased.
According to this catalog of Russian antiquities, the bear clock was last seen in Moscow in 1879.
Well, hold on to your fur hat, Niles.
I've just discovered that our great-great-grandmother emigrated from Russia in 1879.
Oh, my God, it's all coming together.
I can practically picture the scene.
Yes.
Our great-great-grandmother, smelling revolution in the wind, secretly slips away in the black Russian night.
Taking the bear clock with her to remind her of richer days.
Yes.
The ticking hands of time counting down her return-- her royal power merely hibernating.
(phone rings) Yes? Yes, yes, I'll hold.
Who is it? It's Dr.
Myshkin.
He's an attachï¿© at the Russian Embassy.
Also an expert on the Romanoffs.
Oh.
Yes, Dr.
Myshkin.
This evening would be fine.
Uh, about 7:00? Yes, I live at the Elliot Bay Towers.
We'll see you then.
He has some important information for us.
Oh, my God, Niles, this is it.
The final link to our royal past.
I'm going to issue a press release.
Not before I shout it from the rooftops.
Here's Dad.
Hide everything.
Hey, guys, I thought I'd find you here.
You know, you just missed seeing yourself onThe Antiques Roadshow.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
And you know, the phone's been ringing off the hook.
Everybody wants to buy that bear clock.
You're not thinking of selling it, are you? You're damn right I am.
Some guy just offered me $26,000 for it.
I'm going to buy me a big honkin' fishing boat-- a Wave-Pounder 450 with a fun deck.
Good for fishin', cruisin' or just plain tubin'.
Did you hear that, Frasier? We can go tubin'.
(sotto voce): Do something.
You know, Dad, perhaps Niles and I could sell the clock for you.
Oh.
I mean, we do know the antiques world and, you know, we could get you more than $26,000.
I should think at least $30,000.
Wow.
You know, maybe I will let you boys handle this.
FRASIER: It's a wise move, Dad.
Yeah, we'd hate to see you get manipulated.
Oh.
(doorbell rings) (footsteps) (door opening) Dr.
Crane.
Dr.
Myshkin, please come in.
This is my brother, Dr.
Niles Crane.
(clicks heels together) Oh, there it is.
Yes.
Yes, please, have a look.
Is it authentic? Without a doubt.
Frasier.
I know.
Daphne, if you don't mind, you know, there is some, uh, caviar on the ice in the kitchen.
Uh, now would be the appropriate time.
If you would, please? Oh, I am so sorry.
Here I am dawdling with the laundry when it's ten minutes into caviar time.
As I mentioned, I have some information which should be interesting to your family.
Yes, yes, please, make yourself comfortable.
Uh, do tell.
Do tell.
This is a copy of the diary of Princess Sonya Romanoff, daughter to Tsar Alexander II.
At 18, she fell in love with a commoner, an American.
(mouthing) Such a union would, of course, be forbidden, but Sonya decided to give everything up for love.
(gasps) Quelle elegance.
She enlisted the aid of a scullery maid, who smuggled money, clothing, and this bear clock out of the palace.
She would elope to America.
Yes, that was her plan.
But when Sonya found her way to the train station under cover of night, the scullery maid had absconded with everything, including the clock.
Servants! There's a back aching for the lash! I'm moving as fast as I can.
But tell us, how did we get our clock back? Yes, yes, yes, tell us, how did great-great- grandmama retrieve it? Uh, Drs.
Crane, your ancestor is not the princess.
Your ancestor is the scullery maid.
Well, on behalf of the Russian people, I thank you for retrieving this for us.
You mean, you're just going to take it?! Well, its rightful place is in the Hermitage Museum.
But this-this clock has been in our family for generations.
Niles! But Dr.
Crane, we could settle this in the courts, but you wouldn't win.
Do you really want this to come out in the press? Well, do you really expect us to just let you walk out of here with a precious family heirloom? Did I mention that your ancestor, before she married a Noah Crane in 1882, worked as a prostitute in New York? Enjoy your bear.
Oh, hello.
Dr.
Profiry Myshkin.
Oh, Marty Crane.
Well, I see you got the clock.
That's right.
Good evening, all.
MARTIN: Bye.
You sold it.
Hope you got a good price.
Gee, Dad, I hope you didn't buy a boat.
No, you know, I was thinking of it, and then I thought, oh, hell, you know, we've been getting along so well.
You don't like fishing, and you get seasick.
Why buy something that we can't all enjoy, you know? So I bought this! A Winnebago.
Yes.
A big one.
and power jacks.
that much for the clock, right? Of course.
(laughing): Oh, that's great.
We can go anywhere.
You know, the first place I want to go is Elmo, Nebraska.
We got a whole mess of cousins down there.
Well we're out $15,000 each.
And we have to take long trips in a Winnebago.
And we're not Romanoffs.
We're descended from thieves and whores.
You know, I remember reading that Henry James once had a liaison with a Russian prostitute in New York.
I'm right behind you.
Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Oh, my And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Frasier has left the building.