Frasier s07e09 Episode Script

The Apparent Trap

Hey, morning, Fras.
Hi, Roz.
Well well, is is Baby Alice dressed as a little turkey, or am I just very, very hungry? (both laugh) We're flying home for Thanksgiving right after the show.
I thought I'd make Alice look as cute as possible, so if she cries on the plane, the other passengers can't get mad.
Ah.
Actually, what I'd like to do is keep her awake, so she'll sleep on the plane.
You know, you should just do what I used to do.
I used to tell the passengers that if Frederick cried, I'd buy them all a drink.
And that worked? Oh, yes.
In fact, one time, I woke from a short nap, and the fellow sitting behind us was flicking the back of Frederick's little ear.
Of course, that was cheating, and the man did not get his drink.
So when is Frederick coming, anyway? Oh, well, Lilith's dropping him off around noon, then she's off to visit a colleague for Thanksgiving in Vancouver.
You know, come to think of it, do they even celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? They will when she leaves.
(doorbell rings) (footsteps) Hi, Dad.
Frederick! (laughing): Hi.
Hello, Frasier.
Hello.
Oh, gosh, you know, I was starting to get worried about you.
You're an hour late.
We saw a big accident on the freeway.
Mom saved this guy's life.
Really? Well, that's going a bit far.
I simply applied a tourniquet.
She's a hero.
Yes, that's your mother, all right, son.
Then the paramedics came and wanted to give Mom a transfusion.
Yes, that's your mother, all right, son.
If you don't mind, I'd like to use the phone and call my colleague and tell him I'll be late.
Yes, of course.
Who is this colleague anyway? He's the man who supplies me with lab rats.
It's about time we got together socially.
I've known him for over 52 generations.
Ah.
Well, if the drumsticks are about this big, you'll know why.
Good one, Dad.
Thank you, son.
Hello, Peter, it's Lilith.
Listen, I'm running about an hour late, so I Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, take care of yourself.
Okay.
Good-bye.
What's happened? Peter's come down with something.
Thinks he caught it from the rats.
Oh, now, nobody ever got anything from a rat that wasn't resolved in a day or two.
Off you go.
Hey, Mom, why don't you spend Thanksgiving with us? (laughs) That's a very good one, Frederick.
Now go kiss your mother good-bye and unpack, all right? Would it be that unbearable for me to be here for one meal? As soon as we're done, I'll go check into a hotel.
I can spend the weekend working on an article I've been writing.
Well, you know Niles is coming this afternoon, and it'd be very uncomfortable, I think.
You know, you two haven't seen each other since your little tryst.
Oh, please.
Niles and I are adults.
I suppose you're right.
It would mean a lot to Frederick.
After all, Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate family.
(doorknob jiggling) Come in.
Is the witch gone yet? Lilith's still here, Dad.
Oh.
In that case, I'll ask you, too.
Lilith, has my twitch gone yet? I had some very strong coffee this morning, and Skillfully done, Martin.
(footsteps running) Grandpa! Oh, Freddy! How you doing? So, Dad, is Mom staying for dinner? Yes, Frederick, I am.
Isn't that great, Grandpa? Great, Freddy.
Real great.
Isn't that great, Freddy? Are you okay, Grandpa? He's worried about his twitch.
(doorbell rings) (Eddie whimpering) Come on, Eddie, come on.
What's the matter? He was perfectly fine until about a block from here.
Then he started whining and trembling.
It's like he senses an earthquake or a dark force or-- hello, Lilith-- a vortex of evil.
MARTIN: Here, here, let me have him.
Come on, I'll take him.
Yeah, it's okay.
Come on, boy.
That's all right.
Don't worry.
Nothing to be scared of.
I'll help with the groceries.
Hey, Freddy.
Thank you.
Well, I'd better see how the turkey's coming.
Yes, Daphne's preparing dinner.
Oh, should we tell her there's an extra person? (clattering) No need.
(doorbell rings) Hello, Frasier.
Niles.
Hello, Lilith.
Hello, Niles.
Lovely to see you again.
Nice to see you, too.
I trust your flight was uneventful.
Up, down, bumpy over the mountains.
Isn't that always the way? Lilith is joining us for dinner, Niles.
What a nice surprise.
It certainly is nice for me.
Well, not as nice as it is for me.
Oh, stop it, both of you.
I refuse to spend the day listening to this stilted chatter.
Well, how would you have us behave? Well, why don't you try going back to your former relationship.
All we did was insult each other.
Yes.
You're willing to throw that away because of one ill-considered night of passion? It happened.
Take from it what you can learn.
Move on.
Well I learned if you kiss her too fast, you get an ice cream headache.
You also learned that I have twice your upper-body strength, so shut your pie hole.
Was that so hard? Wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing? I'm mashing the potatoes.
By hand? You're supposed to whip potatoes.
That way, every bite tastes the same.
Well, isn't that a bit bland? Hello.
Welcome to potatoes.
Could you just once cook a traditional Thanksgiving meal? I mean, look at this cranberry sauce.
It's supposed to keep the shape of the can-- quiver a little bit.
What are all these little chunks in there? Those are cranberries.
Dad, here you are.
One frozen pumpkin pie as requested.
Ah.
Honestly, wouldn't you rather I just bake a pie from scratch? Is it that youcan'tlearn or youwon'tlearn? I'm done setting the table.
Oh, you set the table.
That's very nice, very elegant, Frederick.
Oh, yes, Freddy's been quite the little helper.
Every time I bend over to check the turkey, there he is.
So, Lilith, tell me about this article you're writing.
FREDERICK: It's about me.
Essentially, yes.
I was talking to a friend who works at theNew York Times Magazine about raising a child after divorce.
And she pointed out that, as a psychiatrist, I might have a unique perspective.
You know, sinceit's about me, shouldn't I get something for it? You're not getting a minibike.
But, Mom We have talked about this.
You can get one when you're 15.
But all my friends have minibikes.
Yes, and if all of your friends decided to enter a level-four biohazard area without their environmental containment suits, would you do that, too? This is different.
No, it's not.
Dad? Sorry, Frederick.
I'm with your mother on this one.
Dinner's almost ready.
Excuse me.
You know what I think, Dad? You and Mom should write this article together.
Well, I'm sure your mother can write it without my help.
But it was her idea.
Hmm? She told me on the plane how much easier it would be.
I just don't think she knows how to ask you.
It is an intriguing idea.
MARTIN: Frasier, I could use some help out here.
He's picking the raisins out of the stuffing.
Oh, Lord.
All right, coming, Dad.
You know, I think you and Dad should write this article together.
Together? Well, I think the last thing your father wants is to collaborate with me.
It was his idea.
He just told me how much fun it would be.
Well, it's an interesting notion.
Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr.
Crane.
Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school.
In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.
Did you wash your hands, Frederick? Yeah.
Uncle Niles even showed me how to open the door with my elbow so I don't need to touch the handle.
What are uncles for? Daphne, is your fiancï¿© joining us? No.
I'll be seeing him later.
Donny has his own Thanksgiving tradition.
He has a dinner for all the divorced men he's represented during the year.
He's hosting 25 today.
Wow.
25 lonely, bitter men.
It's been a good year.
Uncle Niles, Mom's writing an article about me.
Really? It's about raising a child after divorce.
Yes, it sounds fascinating, doesn't it? It's a subject that's very near and dear to my own heart.
Are you suggesting we collaborate? Well, if you think I might be helpful.
What a great idea.
You can write it together.
I'd be willing.
Well, we certainly did well on ourfirst collaboration.
You know, Lilith, we could probably get most of it done in the time you're still here in town.
And if she stayed here, you can finish the whole thing.
Well, guess it'll be all right by me.
Daphne, would that be too much of an imposition? Not at all.
I'll be spending the weekend with Donny.
Now, where is your father with that gravy? Well, then I'll stay here.
Although, maybe we should run this by your father.
Hmm.
(crashing) No need.
(paper tearing) Yes.
I think we should have something about noncustodial parents and discipline.
Exactly.
The weekend father need not be a weakened father.
(chuckles) Frasier, you still have a direct line to my funny bone.
(laughs) Thank goodness, the line wasn't busy.
Now, stop.
If we laugh all night, we'll never get any work done.
(video game playing) (knock at door) Hey, Frederick, I'm leaving.
I just What you doing? I'm saving the universe.
You want to help? I wouldn't know where to begin.
It's easy.
I'll show you.
Oh, all right.
What do I do? That's your guy.
You've just escaped from an intergalactic maximum security prison pod.
Like they could hold me.
Now, once you leave this chamber, you can go left or right, and different things will happen to you.
Okay.
(character screams) What happened? Wow.
I never saw the guy trip and fall before.
Try it again.
You have two lives left.
Oh.
(character screams) I can't seem to get out of this room.
Is this some sort of advanced level? No.
This is, like, the training area.
I didn't even know you could die here.
(character screams) I have to get out of this room.
The reset button is on the right.
You want something to drink? Quiet.
Hi, Dad.
Oh.
Hi, son.
How's the writing? Well, it's coming along nicely, thanks.
Oh.
Mom wants to know if you'd bring out a little wine.
Oh, all right.
You know, it's great to see you and Mom working together.
I think she kind of misses you.
Really? Yeah.
She talks about you all the time, you know-- how wonderful you are, and how she's never met another man like you.
You go take that out to her.
I'll finish up in here.
Thank you, son.
There you are.
Oh.
Oh, thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Um, I've been rearranging this outline.
Why don't you take a look? Uh, looks fine.
Frasier, you can't see it from there.
Sit down.
You know, I'm really enjoying this collaboration.
Me, too.
Is it me, or is it getting warm? It is a little warm.
All right, boy, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
FRASIER: You know, Dad, let me walk you out.
Okay.
Something I want to discuss with you.
(growls) You know, I've never seen him so eager to take a walk.
I wonder what Oh, right.
Hey, Mom, how's the article going? Very well, thank you.
You know, I've never seen Dad this happy.
Oh? What do you mean? Well, all he does is talk about you-- how pretty you look, and how smart you are andhow much he misses you.
What makes you think she's coming on to you? Well, actually, Frederick told me.
But, you know, it actually makes sense.
I mean, this colleague of hers gets mysteriously ill; she lassos me into writing this article with her, then all of a sudden, before I know it, the bun is off, she's waggling a bare shoulder at me.
Oh, please.
Some of us just had a big meal.
(knock at door) It's not your turn yet.
I still have two more lives.
It's Lilith.
(character screams) I need to talk to you.
Does the door have to be closed? I think it's best.
It's of a personal nature.
What's this about? Well, it's about an attraction that I thought was over, and now I'm beginning to think maybe it's not.
Usually, in my dreams this is where I try to run and can't.
This isn't about you, you egomaniac.
This is about Frasier.
I think he wants us together again.
He knows how I feel about you.
Not us! Me and Frasier! Is there a chair here I could talk to? (character screams) Well, what makes you think he wants you to get back together? Well, first, he offers to collaborate on this article.
Now he's plying me with wine.
At this very moment, I suspect he's asking your father to clear out for the night.
Well, so he took a professional interest in your article, and he offered you some wine on Thanksgiving.
Now who's the egomaniac? Perhaps I am overreacting.
I'll just have to keep my eyes peeled for more conclusive evidence.
I didn't know there was a door there.
Then again, maybe I've just made this whole thing up in my head.
Tell you what, Dad.
Take a minute, and then come back in.
See what you think is going on in there, and then find some subtle way to tell me what you think.
All right, okay, uh, just give me a minute.
(Ravel's "Bolero" playing) Frasier.
Lilith.
Well, isn't this nice? Yes.
Very nice.
Oh, uh, excuse me again.
I just came back to get an umbrella in case it rains.
But I hope it doesn't, 'cause Eddie's just dying to play this new game I taught him.
I take off his leash, and I say, "Run for your life!" (laughs) That's exactly what I say: "Run for your life!" Thank you, Dad.
Okay.
Run for your life! Frasier, we have to talk.
Yes, Lilith, we do.
I mean, I can't just sit here all night, waiting for you to make your move.
Well, you've just got this all worked out, haven't you? Well, let's see.
Candlelight, wine, soft music-- What else do I need? I don't know what's worse-- that you want me back, or that you think I could be won so easily.
Wait.
You think I'm responsible for this? You assume you can just snap your fingers, and old Frasier will come a-running? Well, I'm sorry.
It doesn't work that way, sister.
First of all, I have to be finessed! I didn't do any of this.
And if you didn't either, then someone is setting us up.
But who Frederick.
He told me that you've been pining for me.
He just told me the same about you.
Good Lord.
Here we are writing an article on taking your child through a divorce, and our own son is nursing a hopeless fantasy that we'll get back together.
We've got to go talk with him.
Now, wait a minute.
Something is not right here.
When has Frederick ever expressed the slightest desire to see us together? He could have been sublimating it for years.
Yeah, even so, he lied to both of us.
He had to have known that we'd compare notes.
All right, so his plan was a little artless.
Unless that's exactly what he wanted.
What do you mean? Think about it.
He makes us believe that he wants us together.
Of course, we have to tell him that's not going to happen.
His hopes are dashed, and we feel so guilty that we compensate by getting him something he wants.
A minibike? That's a very clever little boy we have.
God, could he actually be so devious? Oh, well, if he wants something badly enough, he will figure out a way to get it.
Remember when he was a baby-- the bottle at the end of the maze? You know, I kind of regret doing that.
Frederick! What are you going to do, just come out and ask him? No, of course not.
He'll only deny it.
What, then? (door opens) Just go with me on this.
All right.
Frederick, have a seat.
We need to talk to you.
What about? We know that you've been trying to maneuver us together, and it's only natural for a child of divorce to want that.
Generally speaking, your plan would be fruitless, but when your father and I let down our guard and looked at each other in the candlelight, we realized that we belong together.
In other words we're getting remarried.
Do you really mean it? This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
I'm going to go tell Uncle Niles.
Have you lost your mind?! He's cooler than I thought.
Cooler? This isn't a game of poker.
This is our son being lied to by his parents.
We've got to go in there, tell him the truth, and make it up to him even if it takes a fleet of minibikes.
No, no, no, Frasier.
No, see, we called his bluff.
Now he's calling ours.
The question is, what's our next move? Oh, I know.
Why don't we just consult this handy little guide for divorced parents? We can't blink first.
We've got to up the ante.
Good idea, Lilith.
You know what? Let's go in there and promise him the baby brother he'll never have! What's this joyous news I hear? You know, Frederick, you're going to have to give up all of your friends because we're going to live here in Seattle.
I'd live anywhere to be a family again.
So, itistrue.
Congratulations to you both.
Good night.
Don't you want your coat, Uncle Niles? No, thank you.
I'm going to go call my friends.
I love you.
I don't understand.
I was so sure.
Oh, gee, don't be so tough on yourself, Lilith.
After all, what parent doesn't, at one time or another, completely obliterate their child's chances of ever trusting another human being? Ah, well, there he is, telling his friends that all his dreams have come true.
Unless that's what he wants us to think.
When will you stop? FREDERICK: It worked.
All I did was tap into my parents' feelings of inadequacy, and they crumbled.
BOY: What does that mean? FREDERICK: I'm getting a minibike.
Frederick.
Uh-oh.
(phone disconnects) Do I know my son, or do I know my son? He was willing to put us through absolute hell just for a minibike? You know what this means, don't you? Yes, he's normal; we're not bad parents.
Well done, Dr.
Sternin.
Well done, Dr.
Crane.
(laughs) Well, we really should get in there.
Yes, I suppose we should.
Must be sheer torment for him waiting for the ax to fall.
Absolute hell.
Absolute nightmare.
Wine? Love some.
Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Oh, my And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Frasier has left the building.