Frasier s07e20 Episode Script

To Thine Old Self Be True

Oh, uh, Dad.
It's not here yet.
How did you You've been yakking about it for weeks.
Your new blazer's coming.
It's Italian, it's hand-stitched, it cost more money than my first car.
Yes, but it's made from very expensive material.
They have to find exactly the right kind of goat.
Looks like they did.
DAPHNE: Good morning, Dr.
Crane.
I made you a special breakfast.
Why, thank you, Daphne.
After all, blazer day comes but once a year.
The doorman said he was on his way up with it.
I wonder what's keeping him.
Regan.
Frasier.
Long time no see.
Yes, yes, it has been.
I think the last time was when you came over with that bottle of wine.
Oh, right, right.
And I met your charming boyfriend.
Scott.
Scott.
And he's not my boyfriend anymore.
Oh, well, he wasn't really all that charming.
(laughs) Well, it was nice seeing you again, Frasier.
Likewise.
Isn't that interesting? Just ran into Regan.
It seems she's not seeing that Scott anymore.
What, the ballplayer? Is she nuts? He had money, looks, the whole package.
Dad, let him go.
Are you going to ask her out? I don't know.
Every time I've had the chance to get close to Regan, it seems I end up looking ridiculous.
Still she did make a point of letting me know that she was single again.
Perhaps she's hinting for another ride on the Frasier-go-round.
Now, if we could just figure out why you always look ridiculous.
Please, you're my last chance.
Couldn't you? All right, no, it's okay, I understand.
I understand.
Don't worry about it.
Bye.
(groans) Problem? Yeah, it's my bachelor party.
My best man can't arrange it.
I'm having a hell of a time trying to find somebody to fill in.
Well, Donny, if you're looking for someone to throw you an appropriate shindig, I'd be willing to volunteer.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Thank you, no.
It's okay.
I just don't want to impose.
It's no trouble at all, really.
No, no, no, no.
No.
It's fine, uh, really.
Thanks for the offer, though, Frasier.
(doorbell rings) I don't think we're talking about the same kind of party.
Donny, if you're letting my reputation as an aesthete cloud your judgment, I assure you I am just one of the guys capable of getting down and dirty with the best of them.
Your jacket, Dr.
Crane.
Oh, dear God! You never fold cashmere! You'll misdirect the nap.
Get out! Donny, give it some thought, hmm? Morning, Roz.
Hey, Frasier.
Help me decide something.
All right.
I'm thinking about getting my eyes done.
It's a little expensive, but Now, now, Roz, cosmetic surgery is a drastic step.
If you're worried about those bags under your eyes, why don't you try just a different concealer.
Perhaps a good night's sleep once in a while.
I meant the laser procedure so I could see without my contacts.
Uh, my usual, please.
I just saw the most incredible thing.
You will not believe it.
What is it? You have to see it for yourself.
Mere words cannot Ooh, new jacket? Yes, just came today.
That's nice stitching.
Thank you.
Christophe.
No, really? Is something wrong with the nap? Oh, my God, is it that obvious? Would you knock it off? What is so amazing? All right, come here, come here, look.
Come here.
All right.
You see that rotund woman coming out of Choc Full of Donuts? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Watch.
Before she gets to her car, she will finish that bear claw, and then go back in.
This is herthirdtime.
That's what you brought us over here for? To gawk as some poor woman's struggle with junk food? Big deal, so she's overweight.
You don't need to point it out.
It's rude.
It's childish.
It's Maris.
(laughs): No way.
Dear God, are you sure? I'm positive.
It's hard to believe that's the same frail woman who once sprained her wrist from having too much dip on a cracker.
Maris was always chubby as a child.
Her whole life she's been obsessed with keeping weight off.
Something must've snapped.
Literally.
When she saw me, she swallowed and her necklace exploded from the pressure.
Look, look, there she goes back for more.
You know, when I last saw her at Christmas, she was her usual tiny self.
Wait, Niles, wasn't that about the time you started dating her plastic surgeon? Actually, it was.
You think that could have triggered some sort of binge? Well Well, this isn't going to help.
Mel and I are in the society page today.
It's our picture at the symphony benefit.
I shudder to think how Maris will react to that.
You know how petty and jealous she can get.
They never take a photo of me, and I'm in the Conductor's Circle.
Well, she moved next door to the Italian deli.
The guy just took the two-foot salami out of the window.
I can't face her now.
That salami string should keep her busy until I can get to my car.
Niles Hey, is that Niles in the paper? Yes.
He just happened to have a copy with him.
As if anyone cares about such trivial matters.
Oh, yeah, right.
This is eating you up.
You live for this hoity-toity crap.
Thank you.
I certainly do not.
Why does everyone think that? You know, just this morning Donny said I was too fussy to throw him a bachelor party.
Well, you do give off kind of a fussy vibe.
You know, there are other sides to my personality.
I remember back in my Boston days, I had a regular bar and a regular barstool.
I even had a tab.
Well, if you go back, you should try having a beer.
Oh, gosh, you know, maybe maybe I have become stuffier.
The highlight of my week was the arrival of my hand-tailored coat.
Maybe it's time I loosened up a bit.
Tried to tone down the whole fuddy-duddy image.
Hello, Donny? It's Frasier.
Listen, I would really like to throw that bachelor party for you.
No, no, I assure you I know what goes on at one.
Yes, I'm quite, quite qualified.
No, really, I promise you a night of such unrepentant debauchery that the mere memory will delight you in your old age.
That is, if you should survive the night.
(laughing) Think I'm overselling it a bit? Maybe a tad.
Yeah, all right.
That's great.
Oh, great, great.
Thanks, Donny.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do, I'm going to go out and find you a stripper.
Maybe even more than one.
You bet.
(laughing) Strippers, huh? You betcha.
A couple of real red-hot mamas.
You don't even know where to find one, do you? Not a clue.
(footsteps, coins jingling) (coins clattering) Damn.
Damn.
Damn! Damn.
Open, damn you! Frasier? Regan.
Well, this is certainly my lucky day running into you twice.
Gosh, I guess this must look a little strange.
Really, it's none of my business.
No, no, actually, it's quite an amusing story.
I was just getting aSeattle Timeshere and I got my coat stuck in the machine.
That's not theSeattle Times.
Hmm? (gasps) Dear God, they should label these things more clearly.
This is some sort of a smut rag.
It was nice seeing you.
Regan Regan Regan Well, if you get any in, could you please call me? Thank you.
Gosh, I'm off to one hell of a start with this bachelor party.
First, the debacle with Regan, now Syd's Novelty Shop is completely out of naughty coasters.
Oh, will you stop moping.
It'll all work ass.
What? For God's sake, give me that! What the hell are you doing? DONNY: Honey, if your head hurts, we don't have to go.
No, no.
I'll be fine.
All right.
Dr.
Crane, I just want to tell you how happy I am you're throwing Donny's bachelor party.
Oh, well, there, you see? At least someone thinks I'm capable of throwing a proper A nice, low-key party just like my honey-bunny insisted.
DAPHNE: Honestly, why men have to celebrate getting married by having bouncing bosoms shoved in their faces Yeah.
Just If I know Dr.
Crane, your party will be over by 9:30.
Oh, we could all go out for dinner afterwards.
Oh, yeah, that'd be swell, honey.
Gosh, you know, if Daphne is so down on this whole bachelor party idea, maybe I should throw a more sedate one.
I don't want to get Donny in trouble.
Listen, your job is to give him the party he wants.
Everything else is between them.
It's absolutely none of your boobs.
Give me that! Stop that.
(doorbell rings) (sighs) Oh.
Frasier Crane? Yes? I'm looking into a report of vandalism of a newspaper vending machine on Euclid Avenue.
Does that sound familiar? Well, I-I may have been in the area earlier today, but, um Somebody on the scene recognized you as the perpetrator.
Are you aware of the penalty for vandalism? Uh-oh.
Well, I I may have dented the machine a little, but Frasier Crane, you have the right to remain aroused.
(evocative music playing) Anything you see, can and will be rubbed against you.
She's a stripper! I get it, Dad! Thank you.
Thank you, Officer.
I-I knew that Daphne was going to be gone most of the afternoon, so I figured I'd help you out.
Boy, you hire her for Donny's party, he'll put you in his will.
So do I get the job? Well, you you certainly seem qualified overqualified.
What's going on? Oh, Daphne! Oh, hello, I-I this is, uh Officer Nasty, uh She's, uh, leaving the police force, and, uh, I'm thinking of hiring her as the housekeeper.
You see, once you marry Donny, you'll still be Dad's physical therapist of course, but we'll need someone around here to do the chores, won't we? Weren't you supposed to be out with Donny today? Yeah, I was, but I've got a splitting headache.
Oh.
So, how long have you been on the force? Uh, you know, uh, I was just about to-to show the officer around the house and, uh, discuss terms.
(doorbell rings) All right, it was nice meeting you, Officer Nasty.
Yes.
Don't tell me to calm down! It's a complete disaster.
She'll ruin me! What's going on? Oh, it's Maris.
She saw the picture of us today, and she's determined to take it out on Mel.
Yes.
She's telling everyone that I caused her weight gain by nicking her thyroid during a neck tuck.
I've already had three cancellations.
She never thinks about anybody but herself.
Daphne, get me a cup of tea.
Actually, I have a bit of a headache.
Oh, you could be coming down with something.
Wash your hands first.
NILES: Darling, you have got to calm down.
Your shoulders are so tense.
Oh, you know, Daphne gives a wonderful massage.
That might be just the thing for you.
Actually, I was planning on taking a nap.
Oh, good, so you're not busy.
Shall we do it in your room? Look, you two run along.
I'll take care of the tea.
I really appreciate this, Daphne.
You're welcome, Dr.
Crane.
Hey, Niles.
What? Guess what your brother's doing.
Pressing his new blazer? Yeah.
Against a stripper.
What? Yes! He's interviewing her in his room for Donny's bachelor party, but don't tell Daphne.
And how exactly do you interview a stripper? I don't know, but I bet there's a real show going on in there.
If you keep the gun in its holster until the very end, you see, that way your act has, you know, more, uh impact, shall we say.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Men seem to like my act the way it is.
Oh, well, I certainly can't tell you about attracting men, but I do know a thing or two about showmanship.
Tell me, uh, what sort of encore do you have? I don't have an encore.
Trust me.
With this act, we're going to need one.
Um, I have an idea.
Well, Mel's all set up with Daphne.
Oh, well, maybe we ought to tell Frasier this is a good time to get that stripper out of here.
Dad? Oh, Fras, okay, coast is clear.
Everything's fine.
Not exactly.
How did that happen? Lord of the Dance here decided I needed an encore.
Well, I assumed you had the key.
I never use them! Oh all right, we'll just have to cut them off.
All right, well, come on in here.
I'm Niles.
Now, you might come to a point where it feels like you can't take it anymore.
I call that "phase one.
" (Mel groans) Are you sure you know what you're doing? I know exactly what I'm doing.
(yells) Oh.
Just relax.
Oh, this is all Maris' fault.
You know, she actually called me and said she'd lay off if I'd stop seeing him.
What'd you say? Well, I hung up on her.
How insane is this woman? She thinks I'd give up Niles to protect my practice? I'm crazy about him.
The way he laughs, the way he gets that little glint in his eye when he's about to say something clever But you know what I love the most? It's like there are all these things that he could be if he could just trust someone enough to help him unlock it all, and if I could be that person-- you know, that safe person in his life-- well, the more I know him the more I know that's all I want to be.
Daphne? Oh Oh! This isn't working, Dad.
There's only one thing left to do.
Well, I got to warn you.
I'm not as good a shot as I used to be, but you'll have to go out on the balcony.
I need a cup of coffee to steady my nerves! Dad! I meant, go to a locksmith.
Oh, thank God.
All right, let's go.
Come on.
Oh, wait, hold on.
I have to put something on.
(doorbell rings) Wait, wait, I'll get it.
I'll get it.
It's Maris! At least I think it is.
You need a bigger peephole.
What on earth isshedoing here? I have no idea, but we can't let her anywhere near Mel, especially now that Maris has the weight advantage.
(pounding on door) What are we going to do? Take her into Frasier's room.
FRASIER: Wait, wait! I can't been seen like this.
She'll blab it all over town.
Get in the bathroom! Right.
I'll call you when she leaves.
Thank you, Niles.
You know, seeing as how we have a-a minute or two here, I may as well take this opportunity to end the suspense.
You've got the job.
I've got a little news for you, too.
Hmm? I've been on the clock since you slapped the cuffs on me.
Fair enough.
Ooh.
It's freezing in here.
Oh, uh, yes, here, let me I seem to remember doing this back in my college days at a fraternity hazing.
Here you are.
Oh here you go.
Yeah.
(clears throat) Thank you.
It's hand-stitched.
MARTIN: Frasier, come on out.
All right, we're out of here.
My God! Have you seen Maris?! Yes, Dad, I know.
Did Niles calm her down? Yeah, he took her to your room but he had to butter her up a little.
I was afraid that narrow doorway might pose a problem.
(shrieks) Frasier! Regan.
Hello.
(nervous chuckle) Uh, listen, uh, I'm sorry about this afternoon, um Oh, forget about that.
It was no big deal.
By the way, uh, I was wondering if you'd be available to Oh, Lord.
Oh! (sighs) Gosh no need to be embarrassed about that, you know? I do that sort of thing all the time.
Say, uh you were saying? Uh Yeah, just, uh let me get all this cleaned up first.
Yes, uh There you go.
You know, I-I'd gladly have helped you, it's just that I've-I've hurt my back.
You see, oh oh, gosh, oh! Oh, it's seizing up again.
You know, maybe it would be best if I just went back inside and crawled into bed.
Good night.
It's going to be a moment.
I figured.
DAPHNE: I'm just going to make us some tea.
Back inside! Frasier! Oh you're a lucky man having this woman on your staff.
Thank you again, Daphne.
You're welcome.
Oh.
Niles, where are you going with all that food? Um, Dad is not feeling well so I thought I'd bring him some comfort food.
And, uh, by the way, if anyone is going out, Dad specifically requested something called a chalupa.
(doorbell rings) Uh, Daphne, would you mind getting that? You're not serious? You are on the staff after all.
(Daphne muttering) Hi, Daphne.
Hey, Regan.
Come on in.
Um Oh, Frasier.
I-I was concerned about your back.
You hurt your back? Uh, no, no.
Just a-a-a spasm.
See, leaning against the wall like this, it actually feels a lot better.
Is it upper back or lower? Uh, middle, actually.
If you could all just leave me alone.
Really, I'm fine right here.
Why don't we just get you onto the couch.
No, no, no, please, please.
I-I know what I'm doing.
We'll each take a side.
No, stop! No, Frasier, it could be a thoracic strain.
Or a bulging disc.
Yes, impinging on your lumbar nerve.
Yes, it could easily be any one of those things, but did you also consider that it might be the stripper chained to my wrist? Officer Nasty! Oh! Everyone, this is Dinah.
You see, this all happened because I was trying to prove that I'm a-a normal guy capable of doing normal guy things like throw a bachelor party.
And Daphne, Donny didn't know anything about it, so I wish you'd just lighten up.
Regan, I-I can't even imagine where this must put us.
I guess it's time I just accept the fact that things will never work out between us.
You're certainly not to blame.
After today I I can't see that any woman would even want to go out with me.
I think I would.
Hey, Fras.
Oh, hi, Dad.
How was your date? Well, it was nice, uh we had a beer Mm-hmm.
Talked a bit She has a hell of a body, doesn't she? (chuckling) Dad, that is not what this evening was about.
This evening was about, uh, taking a chance getting to know a different sort of woman.
Turns out she's really quite interesting.
Dinah-- she's working her way through grad school.
She lives with her mother.
She's extremely well-read.
She even speaks a couple of languages.
Mmm.
It really makes you wonder, doesn't it? Yes, it does, doesn't it? Makes you wonder about how eager we are to judge a book by its cover.
How willing we are to stereotype each other.
No, I mean it really makes you wonder what that mother looks like.
Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Mercy And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Good night, Seattle! We love you!