Frasier s08e01 Episode Script

And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon (1)

It occurred to me I think we should try to keep this quiet from Daphne.
- Keep what quiet? - We got married.
Daphne, are you saying that you have feelings for Niles? I think I do.
You can't tell Niles all this.
He says he's happy with Mel.
She says she's happy with Donny.
But I'm not sure I believe either one of them.
Just remember, Fras, there are two marriages on the line here.
I'll get a divorce - and you can call off the wedding.
- I can't.
Donny is a dear and wonderful man, and I made a promise to him.
I'm sorry.
My mind's made up.
I was wondering if you might be free for a date.
NILES: My God, yes.
There's plenty of time for that later.
Let's get this bloody boat moving.
What? - I can't believe this.
- Neither can I.
- What made you change your mind? - My little niece, Audrey, the flower girl.
She looked up and me and said: "You're the saddest bride I've ever seen.
" I figured who was I kidding if I couldn't fool a 4-year-old with an eye patch.
Remind me to give her a car for her preschool graduation.
The next thing I knew I was climbing out of the window of the loo.
You mean you didn't tell Donny? I didn't tell anyone.
Can't you get this thing moving any faster? Well, I would, but we have to watch out for speed bumps.
I've never done anything this crazy.
Are you nervous? Only that I'm gonna wake up.
[CELL PHONE RINGING] Don't answer it.
It's probably your brother wondering if you've seen me.
Maybe it's Mel wondering why it's taken me half an hour to put on insect repellent.
Here we are.
The end of the driveway.
Which way shall we go? Well, to the right is Seattle and to the left, I guess, is Canada.
- Any thoughts? - What's left for us in Seattle? Ex-wives and ex-fiancé, a tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.
Yes, but an excellent symphony and world-class dining.
Then there's Canada, a fresh start.
A chance for adventure.
Grizzly bears.
[CELL PHONE RINGING] I don't care.
Just pick one.
Let's go.
- Maybe we should - No.
We can't think about that.
I've just ran out on my wedding.
I can't go back.
I need you to be strong.
For you, I have the strength of Hercules.
I love you.
And I love you.
[CELL PHONE RINGING] They're not going away, are they? If you wanna keep going, I'll go.
We better go back and face the music.
We should make things right.
All right, all right.
We're on our way back.
Excuse me? No, there is no Wendell Fong here.
This is gonna be frigging awful.
Well, maybe.
Maybe not.
Sometimes you build these things up in your mind and they turn out not half as bad as you thought.
That being said, I guess there's no easy way to tell you this.
I'm in love with Niles and I can't marry you.
[DONNY GROANS] Donny, are you all right? [THUD] DAPHNE: Donny! Mel, did you hear what I just said? Say something.
Anyone try those little crab cakes? - What? They were good.
FRASIER: All right, Dad.
We've just had front-row seats for what is arguably the most disastrous wedding in history.
We can't just ignore it with a lot of inane chitchat.
Did you try that mustard dip that went with them? - It was good.
- Niles.
Frankly, I'd prefer a little inane chitchat to talking about what actually happened back there.
Poor Donny.
I've never seen him so upset.
I just wish I'd broken the news to him in a carpeted room instead of the rock garden.
I just can't help feeling that our happiness has come at the expense of Mel and Donny.
Yeah, there was no easy way out of this.
You guys did the right thing coming back, I'm proud of you both.
Thanks, Dad.
And thank you, Frasier.
As painful as it was back there, we owe you a debt of gratitude.
Daphne and I are here now because of you.
[CHUCKLING] Please, Niles.
I didn't really do all that much.
Just a minor pluck of Cupid's bow.
You set this whole thing in motion.
Stop it.
I'm blushing.
Ha, ha, ha.
Just seeing you two kids together is thanks enough for me.
Although I wouldn't turn down a bottle of '82 Latour.
- He's not kidding.
- I know.
Oh, look.
Isn't that my Winnebago pulling out from the gas station? I'd say so.
Dad, I'm amazed you'd let Simon drive that thing.
Oh, it'll be fine.
I gave him a lecture about drinking and driving.
He did understand you were discouraging it? Of course.
I just hope he gets my family to the airport on time.
I wouldn't want them to miss their plane, if you get my drift.
Yeah, it's them, all right.
It's all your brothers waving from the back.
DAPHNE: Hello.
- Hey, how you doing? - Hello.
- See you.
- Oh, well, that's very nice.
- Ohh Living up to the Moon family name, I see.
DAPHNE: Did Simon get you home all right after dropping my family at the airport? Oh, yeah.
He entertained the whole neighbourhood trying to parallel park the Winnebago.
The highlight was when he flattened a whole row of newspaper racks.
How many did he get? My record's five.
I suppose he followed that up with some sort of clumsy advance.
Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost.
Then he hit on my babysitter.
She showed him why she's the star of her JV soccer team.
You know, Mum claims he was dropped as a child.
I think he was thrown.
I can't thank you enough for helping me return these wedding gifts.
I've been dreading it.
Just reminds me of how many people I've disappointed.
Daph, you really outdid yourself on these corn muffins today.
They're light, moist, corny.
He's just being so sweet to me because of all of this.
No, I mean it.
They're delicious.
He hates them.
Watch this.
You know, if you finish those off, I'll make another batch.
I'll fill the freezer.
We can have them with every meal.
All right, all right, I give.
I was just trying to do something nice around here.
Now, that's the last of it.
Look sharp, Daphne.
[GLASS BREAKS] DAPHNE: Simon, you idiot.
Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist.
I already dropped it in the elevator.
I think you've helped enough for one day.
- Simon, how about a little breakfast? - Oh, no, thanks, Martin.
I've already had a lovely, crispy, golden waffle and a foamy cappuccino down in the Winnebago.
What? The Winnebago? That doesn't have a waffle iron or a cappuccino maker.
Wait, these gifts look like they've been unwrapped and then wrapped again.
- Simon.
- Know what that is, Daphne? That's a bread maker.
Which you did not register for.
Some people are so bloody thoughtless.
[DOORBELL RINGS] That's stealing.
These gifts are going back.
Returning used merchandise is unethical.
And I, for one, would never be party to it.
So Returning wedding presents, I take it.
That's one problem Mel and I avoided by eloping.
No presents to return when, uh When you shag someone else's wife? DAPHNE: Simon.
- Would you like some coffee? - I'd love some.
Here, let me help.
Dad, those look good.
What are they? - Doorstops.
- Thank you.
- How did you sleep last night? - I didn't.
- How about you? - Not a wink.
Um, you know, as pleasant as it was riding up and down that driveway yesterday, I think it hardly qualifies as a date, so I have a surprise for you.
I made reservations for tonight at Au Pied de Cochon.
Then after, we're going dancing at the Starlight Room.
It'll be our first official date.
You free? This is awfully short notice.
Can I get back to you? Yeah, of course.
[LAUGHING] Of course, I'm free, you silly sausage.
- Well - It sounds wonderful.
Um, Daphne Uh - about us.
I think we shouldn't rush into anything, like living together or even physical relations, until I have the situation resolved with Mel.
Do you have any thoughts about that? I'm so relieved.
I feel exactly the same way.
We need to get to know each other in this whole new light first.
- We're completely simpatico.
- Yes.
Although, you know, in some respects, we're much further ahead than most couples.
I already know how you take your coffee.
One sugar.
And two lips.
FRASIER: Good morning.
Good morning.
No, I don't see anything in your eye.
FRASIER: For God's sake.
I've got news for you, the cat is out of the bag.
Well, I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just not used to kissing the boss's brother in the kitchen.
Not that I'm used to kissing him any other place.
- I mean any other room.
- Yes, Daphne, I know what you mean.
So how are you two doing? [NILES AND DAPHNE CHUCKLE] Well, we're We're deliriously happy, of course.
Although l I keep thinking about Mel and how she must be feeling today.
He must be devastated.
- I'll never forgive myself for that.
NILES: Hello? - Maybe I should go and see him.
- I wouldn't, Daph.
You know, Donny and Mel have suffered a terrible blow.
They'll need space and time to lick their wounds.
Believe me, the emotional state they're in, the last thing they'll want is to speak with either of you.
Frasier, could you hold it down? It's Mel.
That woman never misses an opportunity to show me up.
Daphne, Simon's opening your gifts.
Bloody hell.
Simon, give me that.
You idiot.
Oh, Roz, you little snitch.
You know, I'm starting to have serious doubts about whether you're gonna be the future mother of my children.
Somewhere out there, the future mother of your children just lifted her head from a puddle of drool.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Yeah, but I bet she's got a ripper body.
- Daphne Moon? - Yes? - These are for you.
- Oh, goodness.
And so is this.
Consider yourself served.
What? Well, you won't believe this.
Mel insists on seeing me.
Wonderful flowers.
Who are they from? Well, I can't read the card from here, but I'd say they're from Donny.
- He trying to get you back? - Oh, he's getting me back, all right.
- He's suing me.
NILES: What? Call me crazy, but you know what I think we all need right now? A nice pot of fondue.
I'm sure I've seen one in here somewhere.
[KNOCKS] [DOOR OPENS] FRASIER: Donny? Are you in here? DONNY: Hi, Fras.
FRASIER: It's kind of dark in here.
Do you think maybe we could turn on the light? - Okay.
- Okay.
There, that's better.
Uh Donny? You're gonna have to turn around.
I can't see you.
DONNY: We can't see you either.
We? DONNY: Oh, that's right.
You haven't met my little friend.
You remember him? From the top of the wedding cake? I call him Mr.
Say hello to Mr.
- Oh, well, Donny, I don't - I said, say hello! Hello, Mr.
- Donny, are you all right? - Oh, yeah.
I was not feeling very well yesterday, but the doctor gave me a few pills and I'm feeling much better now.
So, what can I do for you? Well, before I get to that, Donny, I'd like you to know that my visit here was completely my own idea.
Daphne has nothing to do with it.
What happened to you yesterday was unforgivable and devastating.
I know whereof I speak.
See, I too, was once abandoned at the altar.
You're feeling angry and hurt and completely alone.
Aren't you forgetting someone? Just so we're clear, all my remarks refer to human relationships.
Now, Daphne realizes you went to great expense for this wedding, and she is prepared to repay you over time.
But, Donny, this $100,000 in punitive damages for emotional distress, that is not you.
That's not the Donny Douglas I know.
- It's not? - No.
You don't want to sue Daphne.
I'm a lawyer.
It's my natural impulse.
Well, you know, maybe I am being too hard on Daphne.
In all fairness, she's not totally to blame.
Gosh, there's plenty of blame to go around.
I mean, even I played a minor part in these events.
You? I was talking about me.
Well, you, me, everyone.
Let he who is without sin, right? Anyway, glad we had this talk.
God bless.
Wait, wait, wait.
Just a minute.
What minor part did you play? I may have mentioned in passing to Niles and Daphne how they felt about each other.
Which may have conceivably set this whole thing in motion, perhaps.
You did this on my wedding day? Oh, no.
No, Donny, no.
It was the night before, but What I'm saying is that if you feel the urge to yell, then yell at me.
If you want to take a swing at somebody, then here's my chin.
Are you gonna hit me? Oh, yeah, I'm gonna hit you.
I'm gonna hit you with tortious interference and intentionally negligent infliction of emotional distress.
In layman's terms, I'm gonna sue your ass off.
Me? But But Daphne's the one who left you at the altar.
That's right.
That's why I'm suing her for breach of contract.
Listen, you're just being emotional right now.
Give this a few days and I'm sure you'll feel much better.
Actually, I'm feeling a lot better, thank you.
Suing you is just the tonic that I needed.
You know what else? I'm starving.
I haven't eaten in 24 hours.
I'd ask you to join me, but you should be saving your money.
Turn the lights out when you leave.
Oh, by the way, Fras.
Who's Mr.
Chump now? Where is Mel? That woman is punctual to a fault.
This is a bad sign.
She's only five minutes late.
Five? I thought it was two.
She's doing this intentionally.
She's playing mind games.
She's hoping to undermine my confidence so she'll have the advantage.
Yeah, but you're showing her.
I'm sorry I'm late.
What's wrong with Niles? Oh, he's in a tizzy because Mel's late.
Dear God, she's never late.
[NILES GASPING] Steady, Niles.
Nice job, Frasier.
So how did things go with Donny? I used every psychological trick in my bag to get myself added to the lawsuit.
NILES: That's unforgivable.
- Tell me about it.
NILES: No, that prune Danish that Dad dropped down here last Thursday is still here.
- Oh, I think I see Mel pulling in.
NILES: Don't panic.
Oh! Thanks for the moral support.
Don't let her see you here.
- If you need us, we'll be right up there.
- Thanks.
Hello, Mel.
Well, here we are, our four-day anniversary.
- Mel, I never meant to - What, hurt me? If that were the case, you never would have run off with your little maid-whore leaving me holding the brochures to our honeymoon.
Technically, she's a physical therapist.
- You were saying? - If you think that l - Oh, Mel.
Here, here.
- No! I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Damn it.
I want you to listen to me very carefully.
Last night, as I lay in bed, awake, I thought I'm either going to kill you or I'm going to kill myself.
Well, here you are, so I guess that leaves MEL: Will you shut up and let me finish? I realised that wouldn't solve anything.
So I've decided to make this as painless as possible.
You will have your divorce, Niles, and it will be quick and clean.
That's very generous.
Hold your applause.
There are some conditions.
As you know, I have a certain standing in my social circle that's important to me.
And having my husband of three days run off with some Cockney tart is a humiliation I'd prefer to avoid.
- Yes, I understand completely.
- Here's how this is gonna play out.
For the next few weeks, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, - we're still happily married.
- Check.
We will appear together in public at various social occasions.
- Check.
- In private, I don't wanna lay eyes on you.
Check, check.
And when a suitable amount of time has passed, I will file for divorce.
Well, it seems like you've thought of everything.
I have.
Here's the watch I was going to give you as a wedding gift.
Please wear it when we're together.
It's, uh Yes, it said "Forever yours", l I scratched it out with a screwdriver.
There's something else crudely carved here.
Well, at least you were able to use that F from "forever.
" Maybe it's not gonna be so bad after all.
She just gave him a watch.
Isn't this all too typical? Niles leaves his wife for another woman, he gets a gift.
I try to do the right thing, I get Mr.
Chump and a lawsuit.
Frasier, I know you thought it was for the best, but I told you not to go see Donny, didn't I? Yes, you did.
- But you went down there, didn't you? - Yes, I did.
I told you not to screw around with lawyers.
All right, Dad.
- I told him not to go down there.
- Will you shut up? All right, there she goes.
So, Niles? Well, um, all things considered, not so bad.
In exchange for a neat and tidy divorce, all I have to do is play the doting husband at some social functions for a few weeks.
Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
What kind of social functions? Well, for instance, tonight is our wedding reception.
FRASIER: Dear God.
Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a little last-minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one having your nuptials toasted.
Explain to me again how you and Mel masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing? - Well - If I may, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little wiggle room so she can get out this debacle with her dignity intact.
Well, what about Niles's dignity? Well, Maris got that in the divorce.
Ha-ha! Sorry, Niles.
[MOUTHS] That's funny.
- Would you like some sherry? - Yes, thanks.
FRASIER: Daphne? - Yeah, all right, I'll get your precious wedge of brie and your water crackers.
I meant, would you like some sherry? Oh.
Love some.
Listen, Daphne, I know this is all very awkward, but if it speeds up the divorce process, avoids the misery I went through with Maris, isn't it worth it? Well Come on, snookums, we can get through this.
What do you say? What did you just call me? - Snookums.
- Snookums? It was an attempt at a pet name.
Well, if it's all the same to you, could we keep looking? Absolutely.
There's no rush whatsoever, truffles.
It's the chocolate, not the fungus.
- It's a work in progress.
- Yes.
FRASIER: Here you are.
- Thank you.
- Well, for you.
- Thank you.
Here is to better days.
For all of us.
Why, what happened to you? Well, I went down and talked to Donny, try to convince him to drop his lawsuit against you.
Instead, he's now suing me as well for the part I played in getting you two together.
DAPHNE: Well, I am so sorry, Dr.
This is turning into such a horrible mess.
Not that I expected it to be a bed of roses, mind you, but it's gotten so you wonder what God-awful calamity is gonna befall us next.
Something smells in your elevator.
Now it smells in here too.
I'm beginning to think this is not such a ritzy building after all.
Did you get my wedding gifts down to the post? As we speak, they are winging their way towards their rightful owners.
Thank you, Simon.
And in a totally unrelated matter, I am pleased to announce that the Winnebago is now equipped with a state-of-the-art DVD complete with surround sound.
I don't believe this.
Tonight's feature is Braveheart starring Australia's favourite son, Mr.
Mel Gibson.
Showtime is at 8 sharp.
Everyone is invited.
As tempting as that sounds, I have a date.
Niles is taking me to dinner and dancing.
At least this day will end on a high note.
I guess I can't avoid telling you this any longer.
I just want you to know I'm attending this wedding reception under protest.
- Wedding reception? - Thanks, Dad.
You know those social obligations I was talking about? One of them is tonight.
A wedding reception for you and Mel? It's It's at the Equestrian Center.
It's nothing major.
It's very impromptu.
Champagne, cake, we pet the horses, we're out of there by 11.
- Well, what about? - Gosh, Niles, look at the time.
Sorry, but we've gotta get across town in an hour.
You better get home and get changed.
Don't forget to wear that watch Mel gave you.
- Watch? - Thanks again, Dad.
I can explain that.
I can explain everything tomorrow.
It's just a 24-hour delay.
I switched all the reservations, dining, dancing, everything.
I promise I will make it up to you, pooky.
Even I hate that one.
But what about our date? Oh, there, there, there, Daphne, don't cry, don't cry.
It's all right.
This sounds like a job for Braveheart.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] MARTIN: Don't look now, but there's a guy in a bow tie who's been checking me out for the last 20 minutes.
Oh, one of Mel's colleagues.
I met him earlier.
What's he keep staring at me for? Well, he's a plastic surgeon.
Maybe he's looking at your eyelids and planning his next trip to Maui.
[NILES LAUGHING] Good Lord, look at him overacting.
Trying to convince everybody he's happily married.
Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life? How about you and Lilith? It was a rhetorical question.
Thank you.
Niles, I'd like you to meet Adrianna Pettibone.
- Hello.
- Adrianna stables General Prescott, our current grand champion, right here at the equestrian club.
Speaking of grand champions, how about this little filly, mm? Huh? I didn't even have to check her teeth.
Oh! [NILES LAUGHING] - What are you doing? - I'm sorry.
I'm a little nervous.
Well, I'm here.
Congratulations and all that B.
Where's the bar? Roz, what are you doing here? I invited her.
Your side of the guest list looked a little sparse.
Forgive me if I'm not in the spirit of this wink-wink "happy occasion," - but I'm in a very crappy mood.
- Are you limping? Yeah, I twisted my ankle on the stairs.
You know how that happened? I couldn't find shoes, so I had to wear these 3-inch spikes, and the "check engine" light on my dash keeps coming on.
What does that have to do with it? Nothing.
It just really ticks me off.
The bar! The bar! Thank you.
- That was so sweet of her to come.
- Niles, this is important.
If anyone should ask about the honeymoon, we're flying to Paris, then we're taking the Orient Express to Venice, where we'll spend two weeks at the Mansarda Palazetto Suite at the Cipriani.
What's the matter? It sounds like a wonderful trip.
- It's not my fault we're not going.
- I know.
Here's the happy couple.
All right, you two, show me those pearly whites.
- All right, now, how about a kiss? - Well, I hardly know you, but Ha-ha! He's kidding.
Here we go.
Come on, doc.
This is your wife, not mine.
- All right, well.
- Okay.
[CROWD APPLAUDS] - Thank you.
- Thanks.
I'll go check on dad and Frasier.
- Yes, they do make a lovely couple.
- Don't they? I'm sure they'll be happy together for many years.
Well, you never know.
- Dad? - Well, you don't, do you? I mean, I'm just saying you never know.
No, I guess you don't.
Been lovely talking with you.
Enjoy the party.
What the hell's wrong with you? In a few weeks, I'm gonna look like a genius.
Well, I feel really stupid.
I just came on to the guy in the tux.
They really should make waiters wear nametags.
Yes, Roz, carrying trays and taking drink orders leaves so much room for ambiguity.
Shut up.
I think it's going pretty well, don't you? Do you think anyone's suspicious? No, it's the greatest phoney reception I've ever been to.
So how are you holding up? If I have to stretch my muscles into a smile one more time, I think my face may crack.
MEL: Niles.
- Yes, darling! It's time to cut the cake, so why don't you just gather everyone around? - Okay.
- All right.
Excuse me, I'm sorry, I need to borrow Frasier for just one moment.
Oh, sure.
Uh, Frasier, I had an interesting little phone call from Donny this afternoon.
- Oh? - Yes.
He said you'd been by to see him earlier today.
I may have done so.
Yes, he said you were a busy little bee before the wedding, first buzzing in Niles's ear and then you were buzzing in Daphne's ears - Let me explain.
Now, you see - Buzz, buzz Now Now please Just stop that, please! You see, I've been torturing myself trying to figure out how this all happened so quickly, and now I know.
I won't forget this.
- What was that all about? - Donny talked to Mel.
- Told you not to go down there.
- Oh, Dad, stop it! MEL: Attention, everyone.
Before we cut the cake, Niles's brother Frasier would like to make a toast in our honour.
I didn't know you were doing this.
Neither did I.
Well, uh Love is an awesome force.
It can make us do things we never imagined were possible.
For you see, we don't actually choose love.
It chooses us.
And once it has, we are powerless to do anything about it.
Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me in toasting my brother and the love of his life, for she is truly the woman of his dreams.
And my father and I couldn't be more thrilled with his choice.
To the happy couple.
[CROWD CHATTERS] Well, wasn't that clever of your brother? It's only too bad your little English muffin wasn't here to enjoy it as well.
Which reminds me, you do realise that while we are pretending to be married, you absolutely cannot be seen in public with Daphne.
- L - I love you too, honey.
Hello? Hello, is anybody home? MARTIN: Hey, Simon.
Just making coffee.
You want some? I was thinking of something colder with a bit more of an amber hue.
MARTIN: Beer? - Brilliant! If you aren't the finest detective in Seattle, I am the prince of Wales.
MARTIN: How did Eddie like his walk? The little nipper loved it.
Oh, I think nature's calling him again.
His bladder's worse than mine.
I'll be back in a flash.
Was that Simon's voice I heard? Yeah, he just took Eddie on a walk for me.
Well, about time that chowderhead made himself useful.
Oh, don't be so hard on him.
He tries.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Yes, well, if you're talking about my patience, he certainly does.
- Ah.
Niles, come on in.
- Frasier.
Oh, hey, Dad, about a block from here I saw a dog that looked remarkably like Eddie tied up outside a bar.
- Impossible.
He was just here.
So, uh, did you say anything to her? No, no, you told us not to.
Want us out of here? No, I think I'll be safer with witnesses.
- Niles, I didn't hear you come in.
- I just got here.
- Hey.
- How are you today? - Wonderful.
I realised that postponing our date one day doesn't really amount to much in the great scheme of things.
- So how was your wedding reception? - Oh, it was your average night in hell.
Well, that's behind us now.
We have a wonderful evening to look forward to.
I bought a new dress.
It's much too expensive, but you're worth it.
And I'm getting my hair done and my Why are you looking at each other like that? We're not looking at each other like that.
Like what? Like anything.
MARTIN: Uh-uh.
DAPHNE: Yes, you were.
Those darty little glances mean something's up.
Niles? - About tonight - I hate the way this is starting.
Mel feels that as long as she and I are acting like we're married, you and I can't be seen together in public.
- So that means - I know what that means.
It's just until the divorce.
- Whenever that bloody is.
- Daphne If you'll excuse me, I have a splitting headache.
NILES: You know, if you look at it from Mel's point of view, it really does make a lot of sense.
He came so close.
- What did you say? - I said, "Damn that Mel.
" No, you didn't.
You should have, but you didn't.
Sounded to me like you were taking her side.
All right, could we turn the clock back two minutes and pretend this never happened? Why don't we just turn it back to 10 minutes before my wedding and save everybody all this trouble? NILES: What are you saying? - What do you think I'm saying? Sounds like you're saying you're sorry you did this.
- Maybe that's what I'm saying.
- Oh, boy.
Before anybody says something they'll regret Butt out! If you hadn't opened your mouth, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Donny wouldn't be suing me and everyone else in sight.
And I wouldn't be out two weeks' salary for a new dress I'm apparently never going to wear.
And you wouldn't be kowtowing to that shrew of a wife of yours.
- This is all my fault? - Oh, shut up, Frasier.
The only thing more hollow than your protest of innocence is your big, fat head! I am wounded! I intervened only out of love and caring about the two people Oh, put a sock in it.
I am sick of listening to you yammering on about everything under the sun.
- Daphne - And I'm sick of listening to you too.
You got anything to say, old man? Good! [DOOR SLAMS] I'm waiting.
For what? An apology for that unprovoked broadside you levelled at me.
You expect me to apologise to you? Expect it, sir, and demand it.
Well, then here's my answer.
No! - No? - No! And furthermore, why don't you take your broadside, stuff it in a chair and keep your unlimited supply of opinions, suggestions, proposals and recommendations to yourself.
- Well, I never.
- No, you always.
Get out! How's a corned beef sandwich sound? I am appalled.
Well, no problem.
There's some smoked turkey in here too.
What is my offence? What egregious sin have I committed that I should be so maligned? Was I to just sit idly by and watch these two misguided souls embark on doomed relationships? Would they have thanked me for that? - Not very likely, I dare say.
- Who moved the mustard? - Top shelf, door.
- Bingo.
And then, when they were perched on the very brink of disaster, I snatched them from the gaping maw and placed them gently into one another's arms.
But am I accorded a hero's welcome for my troubles? Am I hoisted on their shoulders and paraded about the room? I don't have my glasses.
What's the expiration date? Last week.
I'll chance it.
Those two ingrates turn on me like vipers and make me the villain of the piece.
Well, hear me now.
From this day forward, Frasier Crane will not interfere with those two.
This is it.
- I know I've made declarations like this before, but I tell you what, Dad, you mark the calendar.
You note the time on your watch.
This is it.
Well, if you figure out a way to get them back together, I'll be in my room if you need any help.
Have you been listening to me? MARTIN: Well, I tried not to, but some of it still got through.
Hello, Dr.
- Making yourself a sandwich? - No, Dad did.
Hope he didn't use the mayonnaise.
I meant to throw it out.
- I've seen him eat worse.
- I'll say.
Remember when he dropped his hot dog at the petting zoo? Oh, Dr.
Crane, I'm so sorry I said those things about you.
I didn't mean them.
Oh, I know, Daphne.
Come here.
I guess this all finally came crashing down on me.
Yes, I know.
It's perfectly understandable.
Listen, I know you can't go out on your date with Niles tonight, but what's to stop two friends from going out to dinner? My treat.
You can even wear that new dress of yours.
DAPHNE: Thank you.
That's a lovely offer, but I think I'll just stay home tonight.
Have a quiet night.
- I understand.
- Thank you.
- Sure you won't change your mind? - Positive.
My furry friend and I have just concluded our daily constitutional, with young Edward here dropping a few amendments along the way.
So, what's on the docket tonight? All I want is a quiet night at home.
Oh, Stilts, you and I are of one mind.
I'll hoist a beer while you get dinner started and then when our bellies are full and you've done the dishes, we will adjourn to the Winnebago where Mr.
Jean-Claude Van Damme, the Muscles from Brussels, will ply his trade against the forces of evil.
- Ready at 8? - Make it 7:30.
NILES: Good idea, Dad.
An evening out, just the two of us.
I had no idea you enjoyed the Natural History Museum.
Oh, sure, and that documentary on the rain forest is supposed to be great.
That's what I hear.
Hope it has Pygmies.
I like Pygmies.
I know you do.
So, uh, where's? She went out with Frasier to a restaurant for dinner.
- Did she happen to ask about? - Sorry.
Dad, we're going up.
Oh, God.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, we'll just have to take the long way.
Why do you like Pygmies so much? They're short and they blow darts.
What's not to like? Come on.
Come on up here.
NILES: What could possibly be so important for me to see up here? The guy in 1708 got some homing pigeons.
He built a coop up here for them.
Pigeons? I don't like pigeons.
They have no respect for public art.
Trust me.
You're gonna like this.
Dad, I don't think I handled things very well today.
Do you think Daphne will ever forgive me? Why don't you ask her for yourself? Your table is ready, sir.
- You look stunning.
- Thank you.
You look dashing.
FRASIER: I trust this will be to your liking.
Everything's to my liking.
Looks like we're having that first date after all.
You went to so much trouble.
It wasn't me.
It was your brother.
Well, you know me.
I hate to butt in.
NILES: Ohh I'd planned to take Daphne to dinner when suddenly inspiration struck.
Since you two couldn't go to Au Pied de Cochon this evening, my faithful companion and I would bring it to you courtesy of their caterer.
If dancing at the Starlight Room was impossible, we'd give you the real thing.
It's all so overwhelming.
Frasier, Dad, I don't know what to say.
You even got that man to move his pigeons.
There were no pigeons.
How can we ever thank you two? Just have a beautiful evening.
I think we can do that.
- And, Frasier, listen - Apology accepted, Niles.
Oh, just remember to give the lingonberry sauce a little stir MARTIN: They can figure it out.
- Daphne, about today - Let's just forget about that.
Why don't we start from here? I would love that.
- To us.
- To us.
I'm usually so nervous on a first date, but not tonight.
Would you like to dance? Oh, I'd love to.
So where are you from? - Manchester, England.
- Oh, my.
- Big family? - Hideously.
[NILES CHUCKLES] DAPHNE: And you? I'm from a small mountain village in Tibet.
[DAPHNE CHUCKLING] Tenzing Norgay used to carry me to school.
You know what I've always wondered? - Think I can guess? - Yeah.