Frasier s08e04 Episode Script

The Great Crane Robbery

I would like to close the show today with a truly inspirational tale.
One year ago, a very successful friend of mine was struck by tragedy.
Prognosis: Not good.
Hope: Slim.
But armed with only fortitude, this friend of mine fought back.
I'm talking about the reopening of Seattle's finest restaurant, Chez Henri.
Just goes to show you that a four-alarm fire is no match for five-star courage.
This is Frasier Crane saying good day and good mental health.
You still don't have a table for opening night.
And it's killing me.
Okay, everyone, it's showtime.
The new station owner's on his way down.
So look alive.
Watch what you say, watch what you don't say.
Don't say too much, don't say too little.
What the hell's this thermostat set at anyway? Good Lord.
Kenny, calm down.
We've done the new-owner drill a million times.
What'll it be today, Roz? The glad-handing sycophant, or our salute to teamwork? Yeah, yeah, very funny.
Come on, Kenny.
You know how these people come and go.
They introduce themselves, they shake your hand, tell us they're big fans and then they're gone.
Nothing every changes.
So don't worry about it.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
You've got a contract.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hello, sir.
Ah, Clark Bar.
Excellent choice, sir.
You must be the new owner.
Hi, I'm Frasier Crane and this is my producer, Roz Doyle.
- Hi.
- Hey, Todd Peterson.
Peterson's one of the brightest stars of Silicon Valley.
- Thank you.
- And he's one of the youngest members of the Fortune 500.
- Please, you're embarrassing me.
- And he's a big fan of your show.
Oh, now you're embarrassing me.
Go on.
It's true.
I've been listening since college.
I love the theme weeks, but I was really into Follow-Up Fridays, when you had previous callers call in to let you know how they're doing.
- Why did you stop doing that? - Oh, well, it wasn't my idea.
You know, Todd, seeing as how you are such a big fan, perhaps I could bend your ear sometime about a few ideas I have for the show.
I'd love to hear them.
Really? Well, how about later today, perhaps? Over cocktails at my place? - That would be cool.
- Cool indeed.
- Later.
- Right.
And may I say it's truly an honour to be serving under your leadership.
This is a great day for KACL, indeed for radio itself.
I see you decided to skip glad-handing sycophant and go straight for bootlicking kiss ass.
[MARTIN MOANS] - Is that too much? - Oh, no, it feels great, Daph.
Got a lot of elbow grease there today.
I suppose I'm a bit wound up.
Niles is out with Mel.
I don't trust that woman.
MARTIN: Oh, come on.
He's not with her because he wants to be.
He's just gonna give her what she wants so she'll give him the divorce.
He's crazy about you, you know that.
I know.
And I'm crazy about him.
Still, Niles has been gone for a long time.
- Hello.
- Niles.
Sorry I'm late.
Mel picked a restaurant on the other side of town.
I'm getting so tired of that woman's antics.
Antics, that's what they are.
Oh! This whole charade, making you pretend you're a happy couple, it's so unfair.
It's criminal.
She won't even allow you to be seen in public together.
Did you hear that? Give it up, old man.
The massage is over.
Daphne, I know it's difficult, but once she gives me that divorce, we can go anywhere we want.
Paris, Florence, Rio.
How about my room to fold laundry? NILES: I hear it's lovely this time of year.
Oh, uh, Dad, listen, you know, I've got some company coming over, so if you don't mind Oh, hot date, huh? Well, actually, Dad, the new station owner's coming by to hear some ideas I have about my show.
Well, it's a woman at least, right? Whatever gets you out of the room faster, Dad.
[DOORBELL RINGS] - Todd, come on in.
- Hi, Frasier.
- Whoa.
Sweet view.
- Thank you, thank you.
That's the Space Needle there, of course, and Elliott Bay.
And actually, on a clear day, you can see Mount Rainier.
TODD: Epic.
Is that a Pizza Hut? - Well, we did start a petition - Well, it must've worked.
That is a Pizza Hut.
- You've got a great place here, Fras.
- Oh, thank you.
I like this.
What, did your kid carve it in camp? Actually, that's a fertility god from Central Africa.
It's quite rare.
Thank you.
Say, Todd, can I interest you in a sherry? No, it would be wasted on me.
I don't know the first thing about that stuff.
In the great scheme of things, it's not very important.
It kind of is.
I mean, ever since my search engine went public, people have been inviting me to fundraisers and banquets.
They expect me to know all sorts of things about art and music, wine.
I don't know jack.
It's embarrassing.
- I'm sure you're exaggerating.
- No.
I spent my whole life in front of a computer.
I don't know Beethoven from Beethoven's the only one I know.
You know, it's never too late to learn.
- I'd be glad to give you some pointers.
- Really? I'd be delighted.
I will play Virgil to your Dante.
In a few weeks, I guarantee you, you will find that delightfully droll.
- Say, how about that sherry? - Oh, yeah.
All right, then.
Which you should know is a fortified wine.
Oh, wow.
Frasier, you really know your stuff.
Look at these.
Great paintings, cool furniture, African sex toys.
This is how I should be living.
- How much you want for the place? - Excuse me? I could use a place in town.
Name your price.
Oh, no, Todd.
My humble home is not for sale.
But as luck would have it, there happens to be a unit available directly below mine.
This'll be great.
We'll be neighbours.
You can teach me to have as much taste and style as you.
And I can do everything possible to make you the biggest star on radio.
I knew one day you'd come.
FRASIER: Niles, mind if I join you? NILES: Well, just for a little while.
I'm meeting Mel here.
Oh, reminds me Oh, dear.
I am sorry to hear that.
Oh, no.
Actually, this is wonderful news.
She called.
She said my days of playing the devoted husband are coming to an end.
Frasier, I think my wife is finally going to dump me.
And they said it would last.
[BOTH LAUGHING] You know, actually, I'm celebrating a bit myself.
You see, I have just become a mentor.
Good for you, Frasier.
Helping the underprivileged.
Actually, he's a billionaire.
The forgotten minority.
No, it's the new station owner.
For heaven's sake.
You're mentoring your boss? How did you flatter your way into that job? No, Niles, I didn't.
The boy practically begged me.
I mean, he got rich overnight and he's hardly had time to shed his fraternity house ways.
Sounds like an enormous project.
Well, I am a teacher at heart, after all.
You know, last night, I took him to Le Café de Parade to practise sending back wine.
[PHONE RINGING] Excuse me.
Hello? Ah! Todd, yes, we were just talking about you.
No, no, no.
Never French cuffs with a button-down collar.
- He's being fitted by Javier.
- Very nice.
The long collar? Yes.
What sort of stripes? Don't move, I'll be right down there.
I have got to go.
- Mel.
- Frasier.
You're looking And you.
We must do this again.
- Hello, Niles.
- Mel, hello.
Well, I gather things are coming to an end.
Thank you for being true to your word.
And thank you for doing such a good job in phase one.
Phase one? Well, Niles, it occurred to me that if we end things now, people will wonder why, when, you know, we've been so happy.
So I've decided that it's not so much that I'm going to leave you - as you're going to drive me away.
- How? Through a series of staged events in which you will thoroughly humiliate yourself by playing the part of a complete ass.
For instance, this weekend, we're going to the opera.
I see, I see.
So you want me to hog the opera glasses and remain seated during the ovation, something of that nature? - Well, I suppose I could manage it.
- No, not quite.
At the intermission, invariably, some board member will come over to say hello, and I want you to fly into a jealous rage and throw a drink at him.
That is unthinkable.
I have a reputation in this town and nothing will make me behave that way.
Well, looks like we're going to be married for a long time.
I'll see you at Schwande die Dudelsackpfeifer.
What are you two doing here? Todd's apartment's one floor down.
We know, but why walk into his housewarming alone when we can go in with his idol? Oh, please.
I'm hardly his idol.
- I'm a paragon at best.
- What's that? Oh, it's just a little something that Todd admired when he was over.
I didn't know we were supposed to bring gifts.
Oh, I'm screwed.
I am so fired.
God, why did I give my wife the go-ahead for that above-ground pool? Better calm down, Kenny.
I gave you my last pair of dress shields.
Now, remember, Todd has had people working round the clock transforming his apartment into his vision of style and taste.
Now, no matter how primitive we may think it is, it's best to be kind.
We don't wanna stifle his budding creativity.
You also don't wanna stifle that fat syndication deal he's putting together for you.
Oh, Roz, you are so cynical.
That's why you could never be a mentor.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Hey, guys, come on in.
FRASIER: Well, hello, Niles.
Say, if memory serves, you went to the opera with Mel last night.
So did you cause a public spectacle? I didn't read anything in the society pages.
No, well, it didn't go exactly as I expected.
At intermission, I got my drink and waited for someone to approach Mel.
And finally someone did.
Founders' Circle stalwart Ace Lemieux.
I coiled, panther-like, ready to fling my drink on his shirt front, when I noticed he was wearing that wool crepe hand-tailored tuxedo of his.
Well, you know, l I couldn't raise my hand against such a magnificent garment.
Niles, that tux is a blend and you know it.
Yes, yes, of course I know it.
Frasier, I just couldn't do it.
That kind of loutish behaviour, it's just not in my nature.
Of course, Niles.
That goes without saying.
Just remember for whom you're doing all this.
Believe me, Daphne is the only thing that is keeping me going through all of this.
Tonight I'm supposed to meet Mel for dinner at Chez Henri and make an ass of myself in front of her society friends.
Oh, Lord.
Chez Henri.
Their menu is just the culinary minefield to test Todd's mettle.
Oh, your young protégé.
How's that coming along? Actually, things have taken a bit of an odd turn.
You see, yesterday, I went to his housewarming party.
As it turns out, to my surprise he has duplicated my apartment exactly.
Exactly? The only thing missing is an old man and a little dog.
I was beside myself.
Well, of course you were.
I assume you read him the riot act.
Well, he is my boss.
He has big plans for my show.
Do I really wanna jeopardise that? There's Todd now.
Uh, Todd, over here.
I'd like you to meet my brother, Niles Crane.
- Niles, this is Todd Peterson.
NILES: Hello.
Oh, and may I say, what a lovely outfit.
Hope you got the volume discount.
Guess who's officially hooked on classics? Oh, well, good for you.
Good for you.
Now, Todd, I'd like to talk to you about your apartment.
- You don't like it.
- No, no, I do like it.
- I've liked it for eight years.
- So, what's the problem? Well, I was hoping that my influence would help you to find your own style, not that you would simply duplicate mine.
What am I doing? I'm in way over my head here Let's admit it.
- With all this culture stuff.
I should just stick to what I know, computers.
I'm a computer guy.
No, Todd, you know, perhaps we just took on a bit too much too soon.
I need to move back to San Jose, sell the apartment, sell the radio station Steady at the wheel, Todd.
Now, listen.
All we're really talking about is a couple of couches and some coffee tables.
But you said we shouldn't have the same apartment.
Yes, and we shouldn't.
But perhaps I'm being too hasty about which of us should be doing the changing.
Perhaps I'm holding on too tight to my possessions.
Décor is, after all, a fluid art.
- Should I be writing this down? - No, no, Todd, no.
Listen, Todd.
I want you to keep the apartment the way it is.
After all, it's a look that has served me well, but it's time that I move on.
- Thank you, Frasier.
- No, thank you, Todd.
Hey, you wanna come see my new car? I have a feeling you're gonna like it.
I have a feeling I will.
Niles, you have been behaving like a perfect gentleman all night.
Now, cut it out, and do something offensive.
I don't know at which table you've been sitting.
Did you not just see me unapologetically take the last roll? I need more than that and you know it.
Now, my friends are giving you plenty to work with.
Andrew has been drinking like a fish, and Margaret is wearing that revolting dress again.
I'm glad you're on my side.
I can do this.
- Sorry, everyone.
- Sorry, sorry.
Oh, you newlyweds.
Just can't be apart for one second.
Oh, the bill.
Well, we're not finished.
We still have wine.
Would anyone like a refill? I'm a little dry.
[CLEARS THROAT] Dry? I know that's not your liver speaking.
Niles, we just discussed you were not going to bring that up.
Well, I did, so there.
And I'll say it again.
You're probably seeing two of me, so you might as well hear me twice.
You, sir, are a complete drunk.
- Niles, how could you? - Well How could you know? I thought I was hiding it so well.
I have a problem.
It's time I face it.
I've been meaning to say something, but I didn't have the courage.
Not like Niles.
You're a good person.
I'm getting help first thing tomorrow.
I'm so sorry, baby.
Thank you for giving me my husband back.
Mel, darling, you married an angel.
Don't I know it.
Dad, what do you think of the new look? Nice stuff.
You really tied the flow to the motif.
Thanks for trying.
- Well, shall we give it a test run? - Yeah.
A little music.
Looks great, son.
- There's nothing here.
- I know.
I give up.
I've tried a million combinations.
I even had early Byzantine mingling with mid-century Danish.
Will they ever get along? The only furniture that looks good in my apartment is my own.
Well, I could have told you that three love seats ago.
So what are you waiting for? Go bring it back.
Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.
Well, Daphne, chin up.
You can always use it to polish the floors.
Oh, yes.
When God closes a door, he opens a window.
You know, Dad, even if I do get my furniture back, it doesn't solve anything.
There's still someone downstairs with my apartment.
That's not your apartment.
This is your apartment.
And if every stooge in the building rips you off, it doesn't take anything away from you, because you were the original.
I am, aren't I? And I did, after all, create that look, and that should be gratification enough.
Good for you, son.
[DOORBELL RINGS] I mean, besides, you know, Todd's hardly ever here.
He doesn't have very many friends.
The only person who's ever gonna see that apartment is probably the Pizza Hut delivery boy.
- Todd, come on in.
- Hey, Fras.
I just need to know the name of the chick who made our couch.
Oh, right.
It's a reproduction of the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier.
But why? The writer from Architectural Digest wants to know.
Architectural Digest? They're doing a huge cover story on my apartment.
And I have you to thank for it, buddy.
Well, I gotta go.
The photographer's waiting.
I need to sit down.