Frasier s08e13 Episode Script

Sliding Frasiers

[PEOPLE CHATTERING] If you must know, I'm just about to leave for something called a speed date.
- What's a speed date? - Well, apparently, it's the latest thing.
Twelve men and 12 women get together in a room.
They spend eight minutes talking to one another, and then they move on to the next person after a bell rings.
Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date, times 12.
Wow, talk about desperate.
So, what brought this on? I don't know.
I'm just so tired of being surrounded by happy couples.
I just thought I should do something a bit more proactive.
You wouldn't be talking about Niles and Daphne? Among others.
Believe me, no one could be happier for Niles.
But there are days when his lovesick-swain act wears the tiniest bit thin.
Hello, all.
Notice anything different? - I like it.
NILES: Thank you.
I've never worn an undergarment in public before.
- Is that my sweater? - Yes, here.
What's the emergency? Well, I'm going out this evening, and I was thinking about changing my attire.
While the suit projects a certain professionalism You know, Dr.
Frasier Crane.
- I was thinking perhaps the sweater would impart a more casual feel.
Just Fras.
Any thoughts? So I bet you and Daphne have big Valentine's Day plans.
Oh, yes.
She's cooking dinner for me.
And then I've arranged a big surprise.
I'm flying her to Cancún for a long romantic weekend.
Not bad.
Yes, I'm whisking her to the airport in a limo filled with exotic orchids.
You don't think that's too over-the-top, do you? No, I think that boat sailed with your T-shirt.
Here's an idea.
What if I put the sweater under the jacket? Then they'll get the best of both worlds.
Honestly, Frasier, could you be more self-absorbed? Goodbye, Roz.
If you wanna know more about our trip, we'll have pictures on our website when we get back.
For God's sake, Frasier, flip a coin.
Look, Roz, I know this may seem like nothing to you, but the tiniest decision can shape your whole destiny.
So which path should I follow? Sweater.
Suit.
Sweater.
Suit.
Sweater.
- Oh, just pick one.
- Good point.
You're right.
Okay, fine.
I will go with the suit.
You made the right choice.
Wish me luck.
- I'm sorry.
Pardon me.
- Sorry.
Say, don't you work at KACL? - Yes, I just started.
Mike Schafer.
- Oh, hi, Mike.
Frasier Crane.
- Have you met Roz Doyle? - No.
Oh, you are new, aren't you? ROZ: Can I buy you a cup of coffee? WAITRESS: Oh, my God.
MONICA: Oh, my God.
ROZ: Frasier, are you okay? FRASIER: Well, l Ooh.
Ow, gosh, I think I've wrenched my shoulder.
- I am so sorry.
I - No, it's all right.
Ow.
I'm taking you to the emergency room.
Please, it's the least I can do.
I've got my car right outside.
I'll take you.
Roz, don't you have coffee waiting? - I'm Frasier.
- Hi, I'm Monica.
- Oh, you must think I'm such a klutz.
- No, not at all.
For God's sake, Frasier, flip a coin.
Look, Roz, I know this may seem like nothing to you, but the tiniest decision can shape your whole destiny.
So which path should I follow? Sweater.
Suit.
Sweater.
Suit.
Sweater.
- Oh, just pick one.
- Good point.
You're right.
Okay, fine.
I will go with the suit.
No, no, the sweater.
- You made the right choice.
- Thank you.
MONICA: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
No harm done.
Lord, what a klutz.
- All right, Roz, wish me luck.
- Good luck.
Mike Schafer.
It looks like you're gonna need another cup of coffee.
Oh, yeah.
MONICA: You know, you're not the first guy I've sent to the emergency room.
When I was 10, my brother fell off my handlebars and broke his foot.
In art school, a pottery wheel got away from me and sort of rolled down some stairs, and I broke one guy's knee and another guy's hip.
I suppose after that you went on a kiln spree.
[BOTH LAUGHING] Yeah, I guess you can say I've broken more than my share of bones.
And more than your fair share of hearts, I'm sure.
I don't know about that.
Frasier, I am so sorry about your arm.
I hope I haven't ruined your plans.
No, actually, I didn't have anything special planned.
Hey, have you heard about that new pirate movie? It's rated "Arrr.
" Yes, that's very droll.
- Get it? Arrr.
- Yes, yes, I do.
That's sort of my test joke.
You know, to see if a guy's cool or not.
Can you believe you're the first guy here who laughed? Can't you see it? A pirate walks into a move theatre.
He's got his eye patch and his peg leg and [BELL DINGS] Oh, boy, that did not feel like eight minutes.
Indeed it did not.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING ON TV] Hey, Fras, how did that speed-date thing go? - It could not have been worse.
- That's nice.
- You're not listening, Dad.
- Oh, I'm sorry, son.
Well, did you get any phone numbers? No, but if I ever want to track any of them down, I can always write them, care of the bottom of the barrel.
[KNOCKING] That's too bad.
Hi, Daphne.
Here, let me help you with that.
- Oh, thank you, Dr.
Crane.
- Yes, of course.
- You're really loading up, aren't you? - It's for Niles' Valentine's dinner.
- That's not till next week.
- I know but it's a complicated recipe.
I need time to practise.
You two are gonna be my guinea pigs.
Maybe we could fake our own deaths.
Daphne are you planning on using cumin in this recipe? Yeah.
The recipe calls for lots of it.
Good Lord.
Niles is terribly allergic to cumin.
Oh, dear.
I knew about the scallops.
And the nutmeg.
The oat bran, wheat germ, carob, parchment mites Yes, yes, I know.
He tried wearing an allergy tag but his neck was too weak to support it.
[PHONE RINGS] Did you see that? The character in this movie just dialled the phone, and at the exact same time, our phone rang.
It's like Montgomery Clift is calling me.
Yes, that's fascinating, Dad.
MARTIN: Hello? Oh, hey, Niles.
No, she can't hear.
Oh, jeez, I don't know about that.
Well, all right, if it means that much to you, I'll do it.
All right, bye.
That was your brother.
He wants me to pack a suitcase for Daphne for their trip to Cancún.
Now I'm gonna have to go through her unmentionables.
I wonder if I'll ever see another unmentionable.
Oh, come on, Fras, it was just one bad date.
It was 12 bad dates.
And a hundred before that.
[SINGING] I'm through with love I'll never fall again - You're gonna be like this all night? - Said adieu to love - Breaks my heart to see him like this.
- Don't ever call again Fortunately, I can't see him from McGinty's.
For I must [PEOPLE CHATTERING ON TV] Hey, Fras.
How did the speed-date thing go? Actually, I didn't go, Dad.
I went to the hospital instead.
Oh, that's nice.
- Dad, you're not listening.
- Oh, well, I'm sorry, son.
What happened? You all right? Well, actually, I tripped and sprained my shoulder.
But I'm actually feeling no pain because I met a beautiful young woman.
- Oh, is she a nurse? - No, she's the girl that tripped me.
[KNOCKING] Her name is Monica.
She's a commercial artist.
She's cute as a button and a danger to herself and others.
MARTIN: Good for you.
- Hi, Daph.
- Could you give me a hand here? Well, I would, except I sprained my shoulder.
Bullet in the hip.
You still have one good arm, Dr.
Crane.
The doctor told me to take it easy.
- Oh! I met a girl today.
- Yeah, so did she.
FRASIER: You know what? It might be a bit soon, but I think I'm gonna give Monica a call.
[PHONE RINGS] Did you see that? The character in this movie just dialled the phone, and at the exact same time, our phone rings.
It's like Montgomery Clift's calling me.
Say hello to him for me.
Hello? Oh, hey, Niles.
No, she can't hear.
Oh, jeez, I don't know about that.
Hi, Monica.
Yeah, injured anybody lately? Really? I was calling because I thought maybe we could have dinner tomorrow night.
I don't know, maybe we could meet at Café Nervosa around 7 and go from there? Wonderful.
Great, I'll see you tomorrow.
Good night.
- She said yes.
- Hey.
Tomorrow night, I have a date with an angel.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO] Oh, you're gonna be like this all night, aren't you? - McGinty's? - I'm way ahead of you.
So we had dinner again Thursday night and then again on Friday.
She had plans with her parents on Saturday, so to keep our streak alive, I actually sent her a videotape of me eating and talking into the camera.
That's cute.
- You don't think it's a little too much? - No.
If you like her, go for it.
- How are things with Mike? - Good.
He's taking me to the Heart Association benefit on Valentine's Day.
I'm going too.
You know, I think this is a first.
You and I in happy relationships at the same time.
- Hi, Roz.
Hi, Frasier.
- Oh, hi.
- How's your head? - Oh, it's better, actually.
My peripheral vision's coming back.
I'm so sorry.
Listen, everyone at work is talking about the beautiful flowers you sent me.
Thank you.
Wait till you see what's next.
You won't be able to thank me in public.
I hate to break it to you.
You don't have to keep sending me flowers and poetry.
You officially have my attention.
- I'm gonna get some coffee.
- Let me get that.
No.
You're sweet, but I think I can get my own coffee.
Looks like all that hard work you've been doing is paying off.
I'm not about to let up now.
I never want her to feel as if she's being taken for granted.
Wow.
You're giving Niles a run for his money.
Oh, please.
In the great golden book of love, Niles will be a mere footnote to my glorious saga.
I'm gonna take his ball and run it to the end zone.
Is that a thing? - Yes.
- Good.
Oh, come on, Fras.
You've been moping around here all week.
Why don't you join me at McGinty's? It's crazy there on Valentine's Day.
Last year, McGinty hired this fat guy in a diaper to run around shooting a bow and arrow at people.
No, no, wait.
That might have been the Super Bowl.
You had me right up until "diaper," Dad.
You guys, you guys, you guys, you have to see this.
Look, look, Daphne has sauce on her nose.
Is that the cutest thing you've ever seen in your life? Wait, wait.
Let me get it.
- Ohh.
- Yum, yum, yum.
DAPHNE: You've got some on your neck.
Oh, do I? - Who's ticklish? - Are you ticklish too? All right, all right, truce, truce.
I was gonna wait until after dinner to tell you this, but I can't.
In three hours, you and I are gonna be on a plane to Cancún.
[DAPHNE GASPS] DAPHNE: I barely have time to pack.
NILES: That's already taken care of.
- Dad packed a bag for you.
- Oh, Mr.
Crane.
[DAPHNE LAUGHING] - I've never been this happy.
- I'm happier than you.
Excuse me.
Somebody's trying to watch Behind the Music here.
[PHONE RINGS] Hello? Yeah, hi, Roz.
No, no, I'm not going to the benefit.
Yeah, I'll bet she's got a great personality.
Yes, well, thanks anyway, Roz.
Listen, you have a good time.
All right.
Good night.
- Roz find you a date for tonight? - Yeah.
She's going with some guy in her building.
He's got a sister.
You ought to go.
It beats hanging around here feeling sorry for yourself.
Dad, please.
The only thing worse than a blind date would be a blind date on Valentine's Day.
Okay? I can't imagine a worse way to spend the evening.
[GIGGLING] You have to see this.
Ready, ready, ready? Oh, let's get more.
Come on, come on, let's do it again, wait.
Maybe Roz hasn't left yet.
It is now 7:45.
At this precise moment, she should be receiving a jeroboam of chilled champagne.
- You're really laying it on thick.
- Oh, God, Dad.
You don't know the half of it.
This morning, she was awakened by a string quartet on her porch.
And then when Monica arrived at her office, there were seven dozen roses on her desk.
A dozen for every day that I've known her.
DAPHNE: I'm sorry.
MARTIN: What happened? He's having some kind of reaction to the sauce.
- Did you put scallops in it? - No.
- Nutmeg? - Wheat germ? - Carob? - Cumin? Maybe.
Oh, this is a disaster.
We have reservations to fly to Cancún tonight.
- Oh, really? - Well, we can't go now.
I can't possibly sit still on a plane for five hours with this rash you've given me.
Now, please don't let a little mistake disturb the most magical evening of - Oh, the whole weekend is ruined.
- Well, I said I was sorry.
Well, I even had Dad pack a bag for you.
You did what? You let him go through my things.
How could you? I'm sorry.
I was trying to do something nice for our first Valentine's Day.
DAPHNE: Well, what do you think I was trying to do? Now I'm gonna have to spend the whole night rubbing lotion all over you.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
You have sauce on your nose.
Let me get it.
Lick it.
DAPHNE: You've got some on your neck.
Let me get it.
[BAND PLAYING] - Oh, hi, Roz.
- Hi.
- Say, where's Mike? - Oh, he's parking the car.
- Monica, what a gorgeous corsage.
MONICA: Oh, thanks.
It was a gift from Frasier.
Along with about a million roses.
- Hello, young lovers.
FRASIER: Oh, Kenny.
- Look at you.
- What can I say? Under this gruff exterior beats the heart of a true romantic.
I just love love.
- So where's your wife? - She had plans.
- Come on, Kenny.
I'll buy you a drink.
- Great.
Well, you know, why don't we sit down? - Okay.
- Here we are.
Let me.
I was thinking that perhaps after the party we could take a carriage ride through the park, make our way to your place, where I believe there is a 2-pound box of chocolate truffles waiting for you.
Two pounds.
Yes.
Well, your sister told me that truffles were your favourite.
You talked to Cheryl? Oh, I haven't talked to her in months.
You'll have your chance on Sunday.
We're having dinner with her and Jack.
- There's a lot of people here.
- Oh, yes, of course.
I understand.
- Hey, Frasier.
- Oh, hi, Roz.
- Hi.
Happy Valentine's Day.
- Same to you.
- This is my date, Robert.
- Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
Well, Roz, listen.
Thanks for getting me out of the house.
I've been feeling sorry for myself long enough.
- Oh, that's the spirit.
FRASIER: On the way over here, I was actually getting sort of excited about meeting somebody new.
- Here's my sister now.
FRASIER: Oh.
Oh, my God.
Arrr.
- Arrr.
- Arrr.
Okay.
Looks like you two know each other.
You even have your own language.
- It must be fate.
- Must be.
Ah.
- For you.
- Oh, another rose.
Yes.
Frasier, uh, I appreciate everything you're doing.
The flowers, the carriage ride, the "Love Is" cartoons from the newspaper.
Oh.
It's just a drop in the ocean compared to what you deserve.
[SONG ENDS] Oh.
That song was dedicated to Mr.
And Mrs.
Terry Craypens, celebrating their 30th anniversary.
[CROWD APPLAUDING] - That's so cute.
- Well, I'm glad to hear you say that.
- You wait right here.
- Okay.
Good evening, everybody.
I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Normally, I deal with matters of the head, but tonight I'd like to share what's in my heart.
Monica, this is for you.
[SINGING] Have I a hope or half a chance To even think That I could dance with you? Ooh, ooh Would you greet me Or politely turn away? Would there suddenly be sunshine On a cold and rainy day? Oh, babe, what would you say? Yes, oh, baby, I know I know I could be so in love Congratulations.
With you And I know that I could make you Love me too And if I could hear you Say the words you do Well, anyway, what would you say? Frasier, we need to talk.
Ouch.
Don't get me wrong, Frasier.
Everything you did was nice.
It was just too much.
I mean, you made me feel like a project and not a person.
Well, I could tone things down.
We can start fresh.
How about lunch tomorrow? Now, you see, I was gonna say breakfast.
I think I should go.
I see.
Well, you know, I'll get my car.
No, that's okay.
I'm gonna get my stuff and just take a cab, so Bye, Frasier.
- Are you okay? - Oh, well, I'm humiliated.
Oh, Frasier, nobody even noticed what happened.
Ouch.
Ah, it's my own fault, really.
I guess I just saw what Niles had and I pushed too hard to get it for myself.
Well, if it means anything, I thought what you did was terribly romantic.
Well, maybe.
Come on.
Let me walk you to your car.
- What about Mike? - It'll only be a few minutes.
He'll be fine.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I am such a klutz.
- It's okay.
It's fine.
- Let me get you another drink.
- It's the least I can do.
- I guess that'd be okay.
- Okay.
- Mike.
Monica.
ANNOUNCER [ON RADIO]: We now return to a repeat broadcast of The Best of Crane.
Please do not call in.
FRASIER: Before the break we were talking to Phil, who's having trouble getting over a relationship.
Phil, if you're listening, it might help to keep in mind the old adage: "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
" I do make a good point.
What a load of crap.
FRASIER: Let's go to our next caller.
WOMAN: Hi, this is Rachel.
I wanted to let you know I read that Thurber book you quoted from, - and, man, is he funny.
FRASIER: Glad you liked it.
RACHEL: I also have a confession to make.
You know, I have a big crush on you.
FRASIER: Oh, well, I'm flattered, Rachel, but I make it a policy not to date my callers.
RACHEL: Well, if you ever change your mind, I'm the chef at the Columbia Street Grill.
You should come by sometime.
[TYRES SCREECHING]